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Religion - Religion, At Best - At Best - Is Like A Lift In Your Shoe. If You Need It For A While, And It Makes You Walk Straight And Feel Better - Fine. But You Don't Need It Forever, Or You Can Become Permanently Disabled. Religion Is Like A Lift In The Shoe, And I Say Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes. And Let's Not Go Down And Nail Lifts Onto The Natives' Feet.

-George Carlin

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Religion - Religion, At

George Carlin

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Religion - Religion, At Best - At Best - Is Like A Lift In Your Shoe. If You Need It For A While, And It Makes You Walk Straight And Feel Better - Fine. But You Don't Need It Forever, Or You Can Become Permanently Disabled. Religion Is Like A Lift In The Shoe, And I Say Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes. And Let's Not Go Down And Nail Lifts Onto The Natives' Feet.

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Do You Think Sammy Davis Ate Junior Mints?

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I Worry About My Judgment When Anything I Believe In Or Do Regularly Begins To Be Accepted By The American Public.

The Surgeon General Warned Today That Saliva Causes Stomach Cancer. But Apparently Only When Swallowed In Small Amounts Over A Long Period Of Time.

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

You're Really Spread Out Now, You've Got Stuff All Over The World! You've Got Stuff At Home, Stuff In Storage, Stuff In Honolulu, Stuff In Maui, Stuff In Your Pockets...supply Lines Are Getting Longer And Harder To Maintain.

Does Killing Time Damage Eternity?

A Woman Told Me Her Child Was Autistic, And I Thought She Said Artistic. So I Said, 'oh Great. I'd Like To See Some Of The Things He's Done.

In The United States, Anybody Can Be President. That's The Problem.

You Show Me Something That Doesn't Cause Cancer, And I'll Show You Something That Isn't On The Market Yet.

We Get What We Deserve. They Are Our Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! - I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

The Ritual Was Very Important To Me: Cleaning The Pot, Rolling The Pot.

If No One Knows When A Person Is Going To Die, How Can We Say He Died Prematurely?

To Me The Cynics Are The Ones In The Boardrooms With The Reports From The Focus Groups.

For A Long Time, I've Distinguished Between Entertainer And Performer And Entertainer And Artist. To Me, An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself.

On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

The Angles Of My Body Show You An Awful Lot. I Started Doing Coke To Feel Open, But By That Time, The Hole Had Opened So Wide That I'd Fallen Through. The Body Language In Those Photos Tells You Everything.

When You Think About It, Attention-deficit Order Makes A Lot Of Sense. In This Country There Isn't A Lot Worth Paying Attention To.

I Like To Write Without Being Stoned. I Like To Have A Hit Or Two And Then Go Punch Up The Writing. I Just See Different Things And Hear Different Things. But It's Nice To Be Working From The Base That I Wrote Originally And Then Come To It With A Little Buzz. I Can Have A Little Wine From Time To Time. I Have A Hit From Time To Time, But Those Are The Only Things I Do.

And What Can We Do To Silence These Christian Athletes Who Thank Jesus Whenever They Win, Never Mention His Name When They Lose? Not A Word. You Never Hear Them Say "jesus Made Me Drop The Ball." "the Good Lord Tripped Me Up Behind The Line Of Scrimmage." According To These Guys Jesus Is Undefeated, Meanwhile These Assholes Are In Last Place. Must Be Another One Of Those "miracles."

I Have A Lot Of Things [in Me] That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sweet.

It Turned Out I Was Pretty Good In Science. But Again, Because Of The Small Budget, In Science Class We Couldn't Afford To Do Experiments In Order To Prove Theories. We Just Believed Everything. Actually, I Think That Class Was Called Religion. Religion Class Was Always An Easy Class. All You Had To Do Was Suspend The Logic And Reasoning You Were Being Taught In All The Other Classes.

Capitalism Tries For A Delicate Balance: It Attempts To Work Things Out So That Everyone Gets Just Enough Stuff To Keep Them From Getting Violent And Trying To Take Other People’s Stuff.

If Work Is So Terrific, How Come They Have To Pay You To Do It?

Somebody Once Said That Hollywood Is Based On A Lot Of Producers Deliberately Making Bad Movies, And Every Now And Then Somebody Gets Lucky.

When You're Born You Get A Ticket To The Freak Show. When You're Born In America, You Get A Front Row Seat.

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

People Say Life Begins At Conception, I Say Life Began About A Billion Years Ago And It's A Continuous Process.

I Kind Of Like It When A Lot Of People Die, And On The Other Hand I Always Wonder How Many Unused Frequent-flier Miles They Had.

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

Two Things Happened. The Creative Side Of My Career Was Harmed. When I'd Sit Down And Write Under The Influence Of Coke, The Ratio Of Pages Kept To Pages Thrown Out Declined Drastically. But Onstage, When Rapping About A Feeling I Already Owned, I Would Sometimes Get A Burst Of Eloquence.

I Was Never A Pipe Or Bong Man. That's California Stuff. I Was An Eastern Roller.

We Created God In Our Own Image And Likeness!

Positive Atheism

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

Have You Ever Started A Path? No One Seems Willing To Do This. We Don't Mind Using Existing Paths, But We Rarely Start New Ones. Do It Today. Start A Path. Even If It Doesn't Lead Anywhere

What I Became A Comedian For Was To Get My Art Out. To Get Some Of These Feelings And Things I Had On My Chest Out. I Don't Care If People Believe Them, Listen To Them, Change Their Ways, Or Think, Or Any Of That Kind Of Crap. I'm Interested In Showing Off. I'm The Same Kid From Sixth Grade Who Stood Up And Said "watch This."

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Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky.

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"no Comment" Is A Comment.

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We Have Multiplied Our Possessions, But Reduced Our Values.

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If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?

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May The Forces Of Evil Become Confused On The Way To Your House.

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The Class Clown Album Was Done Totally Sober. I'd Realized What A Hell I'd Made For Myself And I Cleaned Up Completely For Three Months. You Can Hear The Clarity Of My Thinking And Of My Speech On That Album.

In America, Anyone Can Become President. That's The Problem.

What Occurs As You Age Is An Accumulation Of Information, Data, Knowledge, And What I'm Going To Call The Matrix Of The Mind. There's Just A Rich, Textured, Field Of Information And Impressions That Have Been All Networked By The Brain.

May You All Make It To A Healthy 100 And A Half!!

I Don't Get All Choked Up About Yellow Ribbons And American Flags. I See Them As Symbols, And I Leave Them To The Symbol-minded.

The Whole Idea Of The Pursuit Of Goods And Possessions Has Completely Corrupted The Human Experience, Along With Religion, Which I Think Limits The Intellect.

Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

I Sort Of Gave Up On This Whole Human Adventure A Long Time Ago, Divorced Myself From It Emotionally. It Gives Me An Artistic Detachment That I Find Valuable. I Think The Human Race Has Squandered Its Gift, And I Think This Country Has Squandered Its Promise, For The Sake Of Cell Phones And Jet Skis.

When I Listen To Those Tapes Now, The Real Cocaine Shows; There's Just Nothing Special About Their Content.

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Art, Music, And Philosophy Are Merely Poignant Examples Of What We Might Have Been Had Not The Priests And Traders Gotten Hold Of Us.

Cherish Your Health: If It Is Good, Preserve It. If It Is Unstable, Improve It. If It Is Beyond What You Can Improve, Get Help.

I Think Tobacco And Alcohol Warnings Are Too General. They Should Be More To The Point: 'people Who Smoke Will Eventually Cough Up Small Pieces Of Lung.'... And 'warning!! Alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Jerk Your Father Was.'

I'm Sure Hitler Was Great With His Family.

Every Day I Beat My Own Previous Record For The Number Of Consecutive Days I’ve Stayed Alive.

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

More People Have Been Killed In The Name Of God Than For Any Other Reason.

No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open.

If I Ever Lose My Mind I Hope Some Honest Person Will Find It And Take It To Lost And Found.

But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

I Just Love It When I Hear A Little Commotion, Someone Leaving. When I See Those Doors In The Back . . .

Cloud Nine Gets All The Publicity, But Cloud Eight Actually Is Cheaper, Less Crowded, And Has A Better View.

The Highly Motivated People In Society Are The Ones Causing All The Trouble. It's Not The Lazy Unmotivated Folks Sitting In Front Of A Tv Eating Potato Chips Who Bother Anyone.

I Gravitated Toward Being A Funny Guy. I Liked The Radio Comedians. I Lived In The Golden Age Of Radio, And The Golden Age Of Television Came Along When I Was Still In My Early Teens.

I Do This Real Moron Thing, And It's Called Thinking. And Apparently I'm Not A Very Good American Because I Like To Form My Own Opinions.

At Best, God Can Be Viewed As Nothing More Than An Uncaring Incompetent Father-figure

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

Electricity Is Really Just Organized Lightning.

If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

I Do Something About The Weather. I Stay Home.

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

My Mother And I Had A Lot Of Distance Between Us Emotionally, Although, On The Surface, Most Of The Time, We Appeared Good And Friendly, And All That. But I Was A Problem. I Was A Street Kid.

I Often Warn People: "somewhere Along The Way, Someone Is Going To Tell You, 'there Is No "i" In Team.' What You Should Tell Them Is, 'maybe Not. But There Is An "i" In Independence, Individuality And Integrity.

I Don't Vote. We're Led To Believe We're Free Through The Exercise Of Ineffective Freedoms.

Some People See The Glass Half Full. Others See It Half Empty. I See A Glass That's Twice As Big As It Needs To Be.

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Surround Yourself

'i Am' Is Reportedly The Shortest Sentence In The English Language. Could It Be That 'i Do' Is The Longest Sentence?

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The Future Will Soon Be A Thing Of The Past.

I Never Worry That All Hell Will Break Loose. My Concern Is That Only Part Of Hell Will Break Loose And Be Much Harder To Detect.

When I See A Large Group Of People, I Wonder How Many Of Them Will Eventually Require Autopsies.

Know My Feelings About Traffic Laws? Cop Didn't See It? I Didn't Do It.

Government Want To Tell You Things You Can't Say Because They're Against The Law, Or You Can't Say This Because It's Against A Regulation, Or Here's Something You Can't Say Because Its A... Secret; "you Can't Tell Him That Because He's Not Cleared To Know That." Government Wants To Control Information And Control Language Because That's The Way You Control Thought, And Basically That's The Game They're In.

Weather Tonight: Dark. Turning Partly Light By Morning.

My Grandfather, Mother And Father Were Gifted Verbally, And My Mother Passed That Along To Me. She Always Made Sure I Was Conscious Of Language And Words.

Hard Work Is A Misleading Term. Physical Effort & Long Hours Do Not Constitute Hard Work. Hard Work Is When Someone Pays You To Do Something You'd Rather Not Be Doing. Anytime You'd Rather Be Doing Something Other Than The Thing You're Doing...you're Doing Hard Work.

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Roof Over Your Head

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

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But Then You Turn 30. Oooohh, What Happened There? Makes You Sound Like Bad Milk! He Turned; We Had To Throw Him Out. There's No Fun Now, You're Just A Sour-dumpling. What's Wrong? What's Changed?

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I Set Out To Become A Comedian, And I Said In Order To Do That The First Thing I'll Do Is Become A Disc Jockey And Know My Pop Music. I Like It, My Voice Is Good, And I Can Start Out Getting Confidence Without An Audience In Front Of Me.

I Say If You're Going To Go For The Angel Bullshit You Might As Well Go For The Zombie Package As Well.

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

It's The Old American Double Standard, Ya Know: Say One Thing, Do Somethin' Different. And Of Course This Country Is Founded On The Double Standard. That's Our History. We Were Founded On A Very Basic Double Standard: This Country Was Founded By Slave Owners Who Wanted To Be Free.

If 4 Out Of 5 People Suffer From Diarrhea…does That Mean That 1 Enjoys It?

We Think In Language. The Quality Of Our Thoughts And Ideas Can Only Be As Good As The Quality Of Our Language.

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer.

Where Do We Get Our Values From?

Regarding Local Residents Attempting To Ban Sex Shops From Their Neighborhoods: You Show Me A Parent Who Says He's Worried About His Child's Innocence And I'll Show You A Homeowner Trying To Maintain Equity.

All Music Is The Blues. All Of It.

Pardon Me I've Got Nothing To Say.

Cancer Research Is A Growth Industry.

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

When You Start In The Childhood Period, When You Begin To Form A Comic Sense, It Was The Radio Comedians - From The Last Days Of Radio And The First Days Of Television. And Spike Jones. And The Marx Brothers. They Represented Anarchy. They Took Things That Were Nice And Decent And Proper, And They Tore Them To Shreds. That Attracted Me.

Some People Have No Idea What They're Doing, And A Lot Of Them Are Really Good At It.

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream. So There Is Some Compulsion Involved. But The Dividend I Get Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

I Can Remember Staring At The Orphanage And Feeling Envy.

As Powerful As Anyone May Claim God To Be, Somehow He Always Needs Money.

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

I Don't Understand The Problem With Paroling Charles Manson? I Say Set Him Free And Let Him Get On With His Work. I Have A Long List Of Celebrities I'd Be Glad To Share With Him.

Here’s A Bumper Sticker I’d Like To See: “we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who’s Self-esteem Is Sufficient That He Doesn’t Need Us Promoting His Minor Scholastic Achievements On The Back Of Our Car."

There May Or May Not Be Atheists In Foxholes, But I'm Certain There Are None In The Ku Klux Klan.

There Are Some People That Aren't Into All The Words. There Are Some People Who Would Have You Not Use Certain Words. Yeah, There Are 400,000 Words In The English Language, And There Are Seven Of Them That You Can't Say On Television. What A Ratio That Is. 399,993 To Seven. They Must Really Be Bad. They'd Have To Be Outrageous, To Be Separated From A Group That Large. All Of You Over Here, You Seven. Bad Words. That's What They Told Us They Were, Remember? 'that's A Bad Word.' You Know Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions.

Y'ever Notice How You Never Seem To Get Laid On Thanksgiving? I Think It's Because All The Coats Are On The Bed.

If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?

I Quit School In Ninth Grade, Even Though I Was Good At The Studies. I Knew I Didn't Need School For What I Wanted.

It Used To Be Cars Had Cool Names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now We Have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further Proof That America Has Lost Its Edge.

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

Comedy Is A Socially Acceptable Form Of Hostility And Aggression. That Is What Comics Do, Stand The World Upside Down.

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

When Will All The Rhetorical Questions End?

So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Been.

Humor Is Based On Surprise, And Surprise Is A Milder Way Of Saying Shock. It's Surprise That Makes The Joke.

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

There Was About A Two-year Period At The End Of The '60s, When I Realized I Was In The Wrong Place And Entertaining The Wrong People With The Wrong Material And That I Was Not Being True To Myself. I Went Through A Metamorphosis Into Something More Authentic For Me, A More Authentic Stage Voice And Writing Voice.

Religion Is The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Mankind - The Ironic Part Is That It's Presented As A Good Thing, And Its Effect Is Absolutely Catastrophic To Individuals And To Societies.

How Come When It's Us, It's An Abortion, And When It's A Chicken, It's An Omelette? Are We So Much Better Than Chickens All Of A Sudden? When Did This Happen; That We Passed Chickens In Goodness? Name Six Ways We're Better Than Chickens. See, Nobody Can Do It! You Know Why? 'cause Chickens Are Decent People.

I Feel Sorry For Confetti. Its Useful Life Lasts About Two Seconds. And It Can Never Be Used Again.

Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

If You Take Five White Guys And Put 'em With Five Black Guys, And Let 'em Hang Around Together For About A Month, And At The End Of The Month, You'll Notice That The White Guys Are Walking And Talking And Standing Like The Black Guys Do. You'll Never See The Black Guys Going, "oh, Golly! We Won The Big Game Today, Yes Sir!" But You'll See Guys With Red Hair Named Duffy Going, "what's Happenin'?"

I Credit That Eight Years Of Grammar School With Nourishing Me In A Direction Where I Could Trust Myself And Trust My Instincts. They Gave Me The Tools To Reject My Faith. They Taught Me To Question And Think For Myself And To Believe In My Instincts To Such An Extent That I Just Said, "this Is A Wonderful Fairy Tale They Have Going Here, But It's Not For Me."

The Dividend I Get [from My Compulsion] Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

If Lawyers Are Disbarred And Clergymen Defrocked, Doesn't It Follow That Electricians Can Be Delighted, Musicians Denoted?

If The Cops Didn't See It, I Didn't Do It!

Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

My First Rule: I Don't Believe Anything The Government Tells Me.

Your Home Is Your Refuge.

The Very Existence Of Flamethrowers Proves That Sometime, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, "you Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done".

That's Why They Call It The American Dream, Because You Have To Be Asleep To Believe It.

For An Entertainer, Part Of The Thing You Do Is Just Style. And The Coke Did Help Me Get Into Great Runs Of Pure Form.

I Use The [vulgar] Words Because Apparently These Words Do Not Corrupt Morally. I'm From The Street In New York, Hung Around In A Tough Neighborhood. It Was Common To Curse, You Make Your Point. It's A Very Effective Language. I Try Not To Overdo It. It's Never To Shock. I Know Where It Fits, It's Never To Shock. There's No Shock Value Left In Words.

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Dino De Laurentiis

Bertrand Russell

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