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I Went To My Old School, Where All The Kids I'd Been With For Eight Years Were About To Graduate. But The Sisters Wanted Me To Repeat The Whole Term; So I Went To The Principal And Pleaded With Her To Allow Me To Graduate With My Class. She Finally Agreed On The Condition That I Write The Graduation Play. It Was Called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?catchy Title, Huh?

-George Carlin

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I Went To My

George Carlin

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I Went To My Old School, Where All The Kids I'd Been With For Eight Years Were About To Graduate. But The Sisters Wanted Me To Repeat The Whole Term; So I Went To The Principal And Pleaded With Her To Allow Me To Graduate With My Class. She Finally Agreed On The Condition That I Write The Graduation Play. It Was Called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?catchy Title, Huh?

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When It Comes To Bullshit, You Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims: Religion... Religion Easily Has The Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told. Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky Who Watches Everything You Do.

To Be Intoxicated Is To Feel Sophisticated, But Not Be Able To Say It.

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Here’s A Bumper Sticker I’d Like To See: “we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who’s Self-esteem Is Sufficient That He Doesn’t Need Us Promoting His Minor Scholastic Achievements On The Back Of Our Car."

Comedy Is Grievances. It's A Recitation Of Grievances - Whether They're Inconsequential, Superficial - Like "my Wife Shops Too Much", Or "kids Today", All Those Old-fashioned Themes - Or, If It's Deeper, And Somewhat More Thoughtful, About Social Imbalance And Inequities, And The Folly Of Human Behavior. It's Usually A Complaint.

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

I Don't Have A Fear Of Heights. I Do, However, Have A Fear Of Falling From Heights.

What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?

One Philosopher Has Rightly Said That Property Is Theft. But I'd Like To Use My Future Ownership Of Property To Give Something Back.

If All The World Is A Stage, Where Is The Audience Sitting?

Why Don't They Have Waiters In Waiting Rooms?

There Are Actually People Who Go Out And Re-fight These Battles. You Know What I Say? Use Real Ammunition! You Just Might Raise The Intelligence Level Of The American Gene Pool!

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President George Bush Declared A National Day Of Prayer For Peace. This Was After He Had Carefully Arranged And Started The War.

She Was Only A Prostitute, But She Had The Nicest Face I Ever Came Across.

You Know What I Like About The American Form Of Government? They've Worked Things Out So That You're Never Far From A 7-eleven.

Dogs Lead A Nice Life. You Never See A Dog With A Wristwatch.

If Helen Keller Had Psychic Ability, Would You Say She Had A Fourth Sense? What Year Did Jesus Think It Was?

To Me, Fast Food Is When A Cheetah Eats An Antelope.

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May The Forces Of Evil Become Confused On The Way To Your House.

The Only Good Thing About Religion Is The Music. Because Nature Is Filled With Balances And Opposites, There Are Always Exceptions To The Overall Rules, Whether The Overall Rules Are Bleak Or Otherwise. If You Propound A Joyous Theory Of Existence, I Will Find An Exception To That. If I Propound A Bleak Theory, Someone Will Find A Joyous Exception. That's Just Nature Being Nature, I Think, And I Don't Think It Offers A Lot Of Hope. It's Sort Of A Respite Along The Way.

If The Reason For Climbing Mt. Everest Is That It's Hard To Do, Why Does Everyone Go Up The Easy Side?

If You've Got A Cat And A Leg, You've Got A Happy Cat. If You've Got A Cat And Two Legs, You've Got A Party.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

With Humans It's Abortion, But With Chickens It's An Omelet.

Early In My Career I Was Divided Because I Had The Real Self Underneath: The Lawbreaker, The Anarchist, The Person Who Swims Against The Tide, The Outsider, The Loner, All Of That Guy. He Was My Private Self, And I Had This Other Side That Wanted To Be Liked In Order To Do All Those Things I Dreamed Of As A Little Boy. I Didn't Realize That Those Things Didn't Go Together Until Later. And I'm Quite Sure That My Use Of Acid And Peyote Helped Me Accept What Was Really Going On Inside Of Me Instead Of What I Had Imposed On Myself.

All Music Is The Blues. All Of It.

Sometimes, When I Was Really Loaded, I'd Sit On The Floor And Sort Out Every Nut And Bolt In The House. It Was Just Sheer Insanity. And Often There'd Be Speed In The Cut, So I Was A Speed Freak, Too.

People Who Own Everything Know How To Relax A Little And Bend And Exhale Once In A While, But They're Not Going To Let It Get Out Of Control.

When You Visualize The Recent Past, Do You See It As Being Somewhere Over On The Left?

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

We're Not Supposed To Mention F***ing In Mixed Company, But That's Exactly Where It Takes Place.

If All Our National Holidays Were Observed On Wednesdays, We Could Wind Up With Nine-day Weekends.

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As It Stands Right Now, I Lead Richard Pryor In Heart Attacks, Two To One. However, Richard Still Leads Me, One To Nothing, In Burning Yourself Up.

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Pardon Me I've Got Nothing To Say.

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He Is Dead Now, But He Meant Well.

Cancer Research Is A Growth Industry.

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Religion Is Sort Of Like A Lift In Your Shoes. If It Makes You Feel Better, Fine. Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes.

Once You Leave The Womb, Conservatives Don't Care About You Until You Reach Military Age. Then You're Just What They're Looking For. Conservatives Want Live Babies So They Can Raise Them To Be Dead Soldiers.

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The Muslims Observe Their Sabbath On Friday, The Jews Observe On Saturday, And The Christians On Sunday. By The Time Monday Rolls Around God Is Completely F***in' Worn Out.

The Angles Of My Body Show You An Awful Lot. I Started Doing Coke To Feel Open, But By That Time, The Hole Had Opened So Wide That I'd Fallen Through. The Body Language In Those Photos Tells You Everything.

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I Make Fun Of People Who Are Religious, Because They're Fundamentally Weak.

Isn’t It A Bit Unnerving That Doctors Call What They Do “practice”?

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

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Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

No One Ever Says, 'it's Only A Game' When Their Team Is Winning.

Marry An Orphan: You'll Never Have To Spend Boring Holidays With The In-laws.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

The Best Thing About Living At The Water's Edge: You Only Have Assholes On Three Sides Of You, And If They Come This Way You Can Hear Them Splash.

And Although I Broke A Lot Of Laws As A Teenager, I Straightened Out Immediately Upon Turning Eighteen, When I Realized The State Had A Legal Right To Execute Me.

The Mayfly Lives Only One Day. And Sometimes It Rains.

Just Think, Right Now As You Read This, Some Guy Somewhere Is Gettin' Ready To Hang Himself.

One Of The First Things They Teach You In Driver's Ed Is Where To Put Your Hands On The Steering Wheel. They Tell You Put 'em At Ten O'clock And Two O' Clock. Never Mind That . I Put Mine At 9:45 And 2:17. Gives Me An Extra Half Hour To Get Where I'm Goin'.

Not Only Do I Not Know What's Going On, I Wouldn't Know What To Do About It If I Did.

I Grew Up In New York Wanting To Be Like Those Funny Men In The Movies And On The Radio.

Number One, One, One On Wonderful Wino.

I Became A Guy Who Wanted To Be A Comedian Someday, Or A Comic Actor. The Way I Put It Was, I'll Be Like Danny Kaye. He Was Kind Of The Model I Had In Mind.

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

Dusting Is A Good Example Of The Futility Of Trying To Put Things Right. As Soon As You Dust, The Fact Of Your Next Dusting Has Already Been Established.

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People Think Life Is Real Complicated. Actually, There's Nothing To It. Once You Leave Out All The Bullshit They Teach You In School, Life Gets Really Simple.

As Powerful As Anyone May Claim God To Be, Somehow He Always Needs Money.

I Often Warn People: "somewhere Along The Way, Someone Is Going To Tell You, 'there Is No "i" In Team.' What You Should Tell Them Is, 'maybe Not. But There Is An "i" In Independence, Individuality And Integrity.

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Where Do We Get Our Values From?

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When You Look At The Average American You Realize There's Nothing Nature Enjoys More Than A Good Joke.

Everyone Smiles In The Same Language.

Electricity Is Really Just Organized Lightning.

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Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

We Created God In Our Own Image And Likeness!

Positive Atheism

I Think I Am, Therefore, I Am... I Think.

If You Take Five White Guys And Put 'em With Five Black Guys, And Let 'em Hang Around Together For About A Month, And At The End Of The Month, You'll Notice That The White Guys Are Walking And Talking And Standing Like The Black Guys Do. You'll Never See The Black Guys Going, "oh, Golly! We Won The Big Game Today, Yes Sir!" But You'll See Guys With Red Hair Named Duffy Going, "what's Happenin'?"

Sudden Total Weight Loss.

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist. But I Understand The Word "cynic" Has More Than One Meaning, And I See How I Could Be Seen As Cynical. "george, You're Cynical." Well, You Know, They Say If You Scratch A Cynic You Find A Disappointed Idealist. And Perhaps The Flame Still Flickers A Little, You Know?

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No One Who Has Had "taps" Played For Them Has Ever Been Able To Hear It.

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Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

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The Next Time They Give You All That Civic Bullshit About Voting, Keep In Mind That Hitler Was Elected In A Full, Free Democratic Election

If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

The Christians Are Coming To Get You, And They Are Not Pleasant People.

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In Comic Strips, The Person On The Left Always Speaks First.

With The Proper Training, I Could've Been An Evil Genius.

Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Perfectly Legal To Give Away?

There Are Women Named Faith, Hope, Joy, And Prudence. Why Not Despair, Guilt, Rage, And Grief? It Seems Only Right. 'tom, I'd Like You To Meet The Girl Of My Dreams, Tragedy.' These Days, Trajedi.

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If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?

By Elimination, Dishonesty Is The Second-best Policy.

Someone Once Said, If You Scratch A Cynic, And You'll Find A Disappointed Idealist. That Really Rang A Bell With Me - Because I Recognized That, Within Me, There Is This Flame, Of Wishing It Were Better, Wishing People Had Better Lives, That There Was More Of An Authentic Sharing And Harmony With Nature.

Most People With Low Self-esteem Have Earned It.

I'll Bet There Aren't Too Many People Hooked On Crack Who Can Play The Bagpipes.

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

That's The Whole Meaning Of Life, Isn't It? Trying To Find A Place For Your Stuff.

Meaning Of Life

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

We Have Multiplied Our Possessions, But Reduced Our Values.

People Say Life Begins At Conception, I Say Life Began About A Billion Years Ago And It's A Continuous Process.

If People Stand In A Circle Long Enough, They'll Eventually Begin To Dance.

If You Can't Beat Them, Arrange To Have Them Beaten.

Life Is A Zero Sum Game.

Ah, To Be A Bird. To Fly The Skies, Sing My Song, And Best Of All Occasionally Peck Someone's Eyes Out.

Religion - Religion, At Best - At Best - Is Like A Lift In Your Shoe. If You Need It For A While, And It Makes You Walk Straight And Feel Better - Fine. But You Don't Need It Forever, Or You Can Become Permanently Disabled. Religion Is Like A Lift In The Shoe, And I Say Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes. And Let's Not Go Down And Nail Lifts Onto The Natives' Feet.

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Hitler Never Bothered With Restaurant Reservations; He Just Dropped By. And Somehow They Always Found Him A Table.

I'm Tired Of Hearing About Innocent Victims. It's Fiction, If You Live On This Planet You're Guilty, Period, F*** You, Next Case, End Of Report. Your Birth Certificate Is Proof Of Guilt.

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Did You Ever Look At Your Watch, And You Look Away... And You Don't Know What Time It Is?

I Was A Stonehead For 30 Years. I'd Wake Up In The Morning And If I Couldn't Decide Whether I Wanted A Joint Or Not, I'd Smoke A Joint To Figure It Out. And I Stayed High All Day Long.

All The Wrong Things For All The Wrong Reasons. Sometimes People Just Want To Feel Different. And So Long As Third World Peasants Are Poor They Will Send Us Drugs, And As Long As We Are Empty We Will Ask For This Little Plant.

Some National Parks Have Long Waiting Lists For Camping Reservations. When You Have To Wait A Year To Sleep Next To A Tree, Something Is Wrong.

Part Of The Pleasure Of Being Alive Is The Knowledge That You're Not Dead Yet.

Brenda [carlin] Went Into Therapy And I Soon Joined Her. First We Put The Drugs Behind Us, Then We Began Serious Work On Our Relationship. And, In Time, We Got Well Together.she Just Drove Through A Hotel Lobby. Now, That's Bottoming Out.

This Is A Lttle Prayer Dedicated To The Separation Of Church And State. I Guess If They Are Going To Force Those Kids To Pray In Schools They Might As Well Have A Nice Prayer Like This: Our Father Who Art In Heaven, And To The Republic For Which It Stands, Thy Kingdom Come, One Nation Indivisible As In Heaven, Give Us This Day As We Forgive Those Who So Proudly We Hail. Crown Thy Good Into Temptation But Deliver Us From The Twilight's Last Gleaming. Amen And Awomen.

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Carlos Castaneda

Robert M. Hutchins

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