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When It Comes To Bullshit, You Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims: Religion... Religion Easily Has The Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told. Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky Who Watches Everything You Do.

-George Carlin

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When It Comes To

George Carlin

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When It Comes To Bullshit, You Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims: Religion... Religion Easily Has The Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told. Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky Who Watches Everything You Do.

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Why Do Overlook And Oversee Mean Opposite Things?

When Will All The Rhetorical Questions End?

Is There Another Word For Synonym?

Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth. If We Could Read Each Other's Minds, This Would Be A Horror Show.

Bullshit Is Truly The American Soundtrack.

When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

People Who See Life As Anything More Than Pure Entertainment Are Missing The Point.

If Black Boxes Survive Air Crashes - Why Don't They Make The Whole Plane Out Of That Stuff?

Life Is Not Measured By The Breaths You Take, But By The Moments That Take Your Breaths Away.

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself. An Artist Is On A Journey: They Don't Know Where They're Going, What Is Going To Happen, But They Know They Are Not There Yet, And There Is Some Continuity And Growth. I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

My Grandfather, Mother And Father Were Gifted Verbally, And My Mother Passed That Along To Me. She Always Made Sure I Was Conscious Of Language And Words.

And, Of Course, The Funniest Food Of All, Kumquats.

Catholic, Which I Was Until I Reached The Age Of Reason

Someone Once Said, If You Scratch A Cynic, And You'll Find A Disappointed Idealist. That Really Rang A Bell With Me - Because I Recognized That, Within Me, There Is This Flame, Of Wishing It Were Better, Wishing People Had Better Lives, That There Was More Of An Authentic Sharing And Harmony With Nature.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

Avoid Teams At All Cost. Keep Your Circle Small. Never Join A Group That Has A Name.

The Bloodiest, Most Brutal Wars Fought, All Based On Religious Hatred. Which Is Fine With Me! Any Time A Bunch Of Holy People Want To Go Out And Kill Each Other I'm A Happy Guy!

And What Can We Do To Silence These Christian Athletes Who Thank Jesus Whenever They Win, Never Mention His Name When They Lose? Not A Word. You Never Hear Them Say "jesus Made Me Drop The Ball." "the Good Lord Tripped Me Up Behind The Line Of Scrimmage." According To These Guys Jesus Is Undefeated, Meanwhile These Assholes Are In Last Place. Must Be Another One Of Those "miracles."

Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane By Those Who Cannot Hear The Music.

The Patterns Became Even More Vivid At Cardinal Hayes High School. That's When I Began Failing Subjects And Running Away From Home For Days At A Time.

When You Quit School At An Early Age, I Think You Have A Lifelong Need To Show The World - And Maybe Yourself - That You're Really Smart After All.

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

Why Is The Man Who Invests All Your Money Called A Broker?

Before They Give You A Lethal Injection, They Swab Your Arm With Alcohol. It's True. Well, They Don't Want You To Get An Infection, And You Can See Their Point. They Don't Want Some Guy Go To Hell And Be Sick.

To Me, Smoking Pot Meant Sitting With A Newspaper On My Legs, Rolling The Seeds Down, Pulling The Twigs Out And Finally Producing A Perfectly Cylindrical, Absolutely Wonderful Joint That You Either Locked At Both Ends Or Pinched Off, Or Pinched At One End And Left Open At The Other.

We're Not Supposed To Mention F***ing In Mixed Company, But That's Exactly Where It Takes Place.

In Hawaii They Say, "aloha." That's A Nice One, It Means Both "hello" And "good-bye" Which Just Goes To Show, If You Spend Enough Time In The Sun You Don't Know Whether You're Coming Or Going.

I Was Taken To The Hospital For Observation. I Stayed Several Days, Didn't Observe Anything, And I Left.

My Money Buys Me The Freedom Not To Be A Member Of The Corporate Structure. And I Certainly Don't Feel Guilty Or Hypocritical About That. The Way Our Economy Is Set Up, If You Don't Want To Be A Corporate Moron And You Don't Want To Be Enfeebled In The Streets, You Must Earn Enough To Know That You'll Never Have To Go To Them For Money.

I'm 63 Now. But That's Just 17 Celsius.

Do You Think Sammy Davis Ate Junior Mints?

There's A Thing About Cocaine - When I Was Doing It Secretly, It Didn't Make Me Very Sociable. I Forget How Others Were, But It Made Me Very Inner-directed. So Being In A Sketch And Rehearsing And The "hail Fellow Well Met" Camaraderie And All That Stuff, I Couldn't Fake That Or Force That. It Was Painful.

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

Granola Didn't Sell Very Well When It Was Good For You. Now It Has Caramel, Chocolate, Marshmallow, Saturated Fat And Sweeteners With A Small Amount Of Oats And Grains. Sales Picked Up.

I Respect Animals. I Have More Sympathy For An Injured Or Dead Animal Than I Do For An Injured Or Dead Human Being, Because Human Beings Participate And Cooperate In Their Own Undoing. Animals Are Completely Innocent. There Are No Innocent Human Beings.

We're Having Something A Little Different This Year For Thanksgiving. Instead Of A Turkey, We're Having A Swan. You Get More Stuffing

I Think Everyone Should Treat One Another In A Christian Manner. I Will Not, However, Be Responsible For The Consequences.

When You're Born You Get A Ticket To The Freak Show. When You're Born In America, You Get A Front Row Seat.

I Went To The Missing Persons Bureau But No One Was There.

Missing A Person

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

President George Bush Declared A National Day Of Prayer For Peace. This Was After He Had Carefully Arranged And Started The War.

I Was A Hip Kid. When I Saw Bambi It Was The Midnight Show.

I Don't Believe There's Any Problem In This Country, No Matter How Tough It Is, That Americans, When They Roll Up Their Sleeves, Can't Completely Ignore.

When You Look At Earth From That One Picture, The One From Space, It's Really A Rather Attractive Thing. I Have Nothing Against The Planet Per Se. I Root For The Big Comet Or Asteroid As A Way Of Cleansing The Planet. The Comet Or Asteroid 65 Million Years Ago Is Probably What Gave Us Our Opening To Replace The Reptiles. The Greatest Entertainment I Have In My Life Is Chronicling Internally, Not Necessarily For The Public, The Slow Dissolution Of Order.

Attractive Things

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

The Only Good Thing About Religion Is The Music. Because Nature Is Filled With Balances And Opposites, There Are Always Exceptions To The Overall Rules, Whether The Overall Rules Are Bleak Or Otherwise. If You Propound A Joyous Theory Of Existence, I Will Find An Exception To That. If I Propound A Bleak Theory, Someone Will Find A Joyous Exception. That's Just Nature Being Nature, I Think, And I Don't Think It Offers A Lot Of Hope. It's Sort Of A Respite Along The Way.

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

[on School Uniforms] Don't These Schools Do Enough Damage Making All These Kids Think Alike, Now They Have To Make Them Look Alike Too? It's Not A New Idea, Either. I First Saw It In Old Newsreels From The 1930s, But It Was Hard To Understand Because The Narration Was In German.

I Don't Like To Think Of Laws As Rules You Have To Follow, But More As Suggestions.

The Main Reason Women Are Crazy, Is That Men Are Stupid.

There Was A Built-in Audience For The Rebel In Me That Had Been All Along Not Expressing Himself.

Israeli Murderers Are Called "commandos," Arab Commandos Are Called "terrorists."

Grudges Are A Waste Of Perfect Happiness. Laugh..apologiz E..let Go Of What You Can't Change.

Life Is Too Short

You Know, If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough. Acid And Peyote Were That Way For Me.

There Are Only Two Types Of Motorists: The Idiots Who Drive Slower Than Me, And The Lunatics Who Go Faster.

Sometimes, After I'd Gone At The Coke Like One Of Those Snow Plows Moving Up First Avenue, I'd Think My Heart Was Over On The Dresser, Pounding, And I Was Watching It. I Asked Some Of The Doctors Who Drifted Through The Intensive-care Unit What Kind Of Effect Total Cocaine Abuse Has On The Heart And They Said Things Like, "well, There's Not Enough Valid Information...." That Kind Of Answer.

If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.

I Recently Bought A Book Of Free Verse. For Twelve Dollars.

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

People Get All Upset About Torture, But When You Get Right Down To It, It's Really A Pretty Good Way Of Finding Out Something A Person Doesn't Want You To Know.

Why Do They Bother Saying "raw Sewage"? Do Some People Actually Cook That Stuff?

We Are All Precancerous.

Cancer Survival

Some People Think That Words Can Injure The Psyche Or The Moral Fiber. And They Really Can't.

Good News For Senior Citizens: Death Is Near!

I Noticed That All The Prayers I Used To Offer To God, And All The Prayers I Now Offer To Joe Pesci, Are Being Answered At About The Same 50% Rate. Half The Time I Get What I Want, Half The Time I Don't... Same As The Four-leaf Clover And The Horseshoe...same As The Voodoo Lady Who Tells You Your Fortune By Squeezing The Goat's Testicles, It's All The Same: 50-50. So Just Pick Your Superstition, Sit Back, Make A Wish, And Enjoy Yourself.

I Am Not A Complete Vegetarian. I Eat Only Animals That Have Died In Their Sleep.

It's Not In The Mainstream Media Yet, But The Biggest Jump In Skin Cancer Has Occurred Since The Advent Of Sunscreens. That Kind Of Thing Makes Me Happy. The Fact That People, In Pursuit Of A Superficial Look Of Health, Give Themselves A Fatal Disease. I Love It When 'reasoning' Human Beings Think They Have Figured Out How To Beat Something And It Comes Right Back And Kicks Them In The Nuts. God Bless The Law Of Unintended Consequences. And The Irony Is Impressive: Healthy People, Trying To Look Healthier, Make Themselves Sick. Good!

In The 'bullshit Department' A Businessman Can't Hold A Candle To A Clergyman.

Someone Said, And Rightfully, That "property Is Theft'." There's No Way A Man Can Stand And Tell Me That He Owns An Apple Tree. I Just Don't Believe You. And So This Pursuit Of Position And Money And Power, They Are All Wrapped Up Into One Package That I Think Is Crippling, Debilitating And Limiting. And Unfortunately, People Get Sucked Into It And Then They've Got You On The Treadmill. You Know: ''you've Got To Have A Good Job'' And "you've Got To Have A Good Education'' - Which Is Another Word For Indoctrination. We're Never Going To Rise Above These Limitations We've Placed On Ourselves.

That's Why They Call It The American Dream, Because You Have To Be Asleep To Believe It.

We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

Here’s A Bumper Sticker I’d Like To See: “we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who’s Self-esteem Is Sufficient That He Doesn’t Need Us Promoting His Minor Scholastic Achievements On The Back Of Our Car."

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.

Property Is Theft. Nobody "owns" Anything. When You Die, It All Stays Here.

The Highly Motivated People In Society Are The Ones Causing All The Trouble. It's Not The Lazy Unmotivated Folks Sitting In Front Of A Tv Eating Potato Chips Who Bother Anyone.

I Do This Real Moron Thing, And It's Called Thinking. And Apparently I'm Not A Very Good American Because I Like To Form My Own Opinions.

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

I Never Took Reds Or Quaaludes To Balance Out The Coke. So When It Got To Be Four In The Morning And The Gram Was Three Quarters Gone, I'd Start Wishing It Was Nine O'clock And Hoping The Guy Got Up Early. But, Of Course, He Didn't Sleep Either, So There Was No Sweat. During All Those Years, I Was Always Looking Forward To The Next Snort Or The Next Guy I Could Score From.

You Show Me Something That Doesn't Cause Cancer, And I'll Show You Something That Isn't On The Market Yet.

I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label. I Feel That If I Was Figuratively Dropped On The Earth And There Was A Political Line, I Would Be Just Left Of Center. The Difference For Me Is That Conservatives Are More Interested In Property Values And Rights And Free Markets, And Liberals Are More Interested In Human Rights. In The End, There Are People Who Don't Fit Into The Marketplace And Are Not Equipped. I Believe The Government Should Step In Where The Free Market Fails.

I Believe My First Duty Is To Survive. And I'm Not Just Talking About Criminals Coming Into My Home. I Once Seriously Considered Getting A Gun To Protect Myself From The Police. If I Need A Weapon To Continue Living, I'll Get One. And I'll Use It.

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes.

You Know Why We're Good At It? Because We Get A Lot Of Practice. This Country Is Only 200 Years Old, And Already We've Had Ten Major Wars. We Average A Major War Every Twenty Years. So We're Good At It!

You Know What They Want? They Want Obedient Workers. Obedient Workers, People Who Are Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Do The Paperwork. And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept All These Increasingly Shittier Jobs With The Lower Pay, The Longer Hours, The Reduced Benefits, The End Of Overtime And Vanishing Pension That Disappears The Minute You Go To Collect It. And Now They're Coming For Your Social Security Money. They Want Your F**kin' Retirement Money. They Want It Back So They Can Give It To Their Criminal Friends On Wall Street.

Let's Suppose We All Just Materialized On Earth And There Was A Bunch Of Potatoes On The Ground, Okay? There's Just Six Of Us. Only Six Humans. We Come Into A Clearing And There's Potatoes On The Ground. Now, My Instinct Would Be, Let's Everybody Get Some Potatoes. "everybody Got A Potato? Joey Didn't Get A Potato! He's Small, He Can't Hold As Many Potatoes. Give Joey Some Of Your Potatoes." "no, These Are My Potatoes!" That's The Republicans. "i Collected More Of Them, I Got A Bigger Pile Of Potatoes, They're Mine. If You Want Some Of Them, You're Going To Have To Give Me Something."

She Was Only A Prostitute, But She Had The Nicest Face I Ever Came Across.

'i Am' Is Reportedly The Shortest Sentence In The English Language. Could It Be That 'i Do' Is The Longest Sentence?

Because Brenda [carlin] Had A Drinking Problem Along With The Coke, She Had To Hit Bottom First. Most Alcoholics Do. And For Her, Bottom Was An Automobile Accident That Almost Landed Her In Jail.

I Saw Danny Kaye In A Movie, And He Was Doing Voices And Faces On That Big, Big Screen And Making Whole Audiences Laugh. It Was Just An Instant Hookup.

There's An Idea That The Human Body Is Somehow Evil And Bad And There Are Parts Of It That Are Especially Evil And Bad, And We Should Be Ashamed. Fear, Guilt And Shame Are Built Into The Attitude Toward Sex And The Body. It's Reflected In These Prohibitions And These Taboos That We Have.

Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

When Someone Asks You, A Penny For Your Thoughts, And You Put Your Two Cents In, What Happens To The Other Penny?

As Powerful As Anyone May Claim God To Be, Somehow He Always Needs Money.

The Older You Get, The Better You Realize You Were.

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

Put Two Things Together Which Have Never Been Put Together Before, And Some Schmuck Will Buy It.

Irony Deals With Opposites; It Has Nothing To Do With Coincidence.

There Are No Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions, And Wooooords.

When People Say “clean As A Whistle”, They Forget That A Whistle Is Full Of Spit.

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Is One I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was.

Censorship That Comes From The Outside Assumes About People An Inability To Make Reasoned Choices.

There's Some Invisible Guy, Up In The Sky, Who Can Kill You, Because He Loves You.

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

I Call Him Governor Bush Because That's The Only Political Office He's Ever Held Legally In This Country. I Don't Care Where They Hang His Portrait, I Don't Care How Big His Library Is. To Me, He'll Always Be "governor Bush." I Don't Even Capitalize His Name When I Type It Anymore.

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

To My Way Of Thinking, There Is Every Bit As Much Evidence For The Existence Of Ufos As There Is For The Existence Of God. Probably Far More. At Least In The Case Of Ufos There Have Been Countless Taped And Filmed And, By The Way, Unexplained Sightings From All Over The World, Along With Documented Radar Evidence Seen By Experienced Military And Civilian Radar Operators.>>.

Regarding Local Residents Attempting To Ban Sex Shops From Their Neighborhoods: You Show Me A Parent Who Says He's Worried About His Child's Innocence And I'll Show You A Homeowner Trying To Maintain Equity.

I Don't Care Much About The Outcome. I'd Like For People To Feel Better And Have Better Lives, But I Don't Think That's In The Cards Through Political Action. I Think Bloodshed Is Still The Way You Get Dramatic Change. That'll Never Happen Because They've Got All The Guns Now. At Least They've Got The Nice Guns, The Big Ones, The Ones With Night Vision.

I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

That's Basically What The Drive Is: "i Want To Be Famous, I Want To Be Noticed, And I Want To Be Approved Of." That's Basically What You're After. "give Me Attention, Give Me Applause, Give Me An Audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's All You're Looking For.

Here's All You Have To Know About Men And Women: Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid. And The Main Reason Women Are Crazy Is That Men Are Stupid.

All The Wrong Things For All The Wrong Reasons. Sometimes People Just Want To Feel Different. And So Long As Third World Peasants Are Poor They Will Send Us Drugs, And As Long As We Are Empty We Will Ask For This Little Plant.

I'm Not Collegial, I Don't Hang Out. I'm Soloist, I Like My Solitude, I Don't Really Hang Around With Comedians.

I Went Straight From Shenanigans To Crimes Against Humanity.

Whoever Coined The Term "buyer Beware" Was Probably Bleeding From The Asshole.

Hitler Never Bothered With Restaurant Reservations; He Just Dropped By. And Somehow They Always Found Him A Table.

Where Does The Dentist Go When He Leaves The Room?

Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky.

Why Don't Sheep Shrink When It Rains?

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So, God? Hey, If You Read History You'll Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death...has Been For Thousands Of Years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, All Taking Turns Killing Each Other Because God Told Them It Was A Good Idea.

Where Do We Get Our Values From?

If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.

The Planet Isn't Going Anywhere. We Are.

I Think It Would Be Fair And Right To Use Some Of My Land And Wealth For A Drug-rehab Center Or An Indian School.

Suppose I Could Shoot Myself In The Mouth, But What If I Miss? People Will Laugh At Me.

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

Suddenly, I Was Thirty, Very Unhappy Entertaining People In Their Forties, And Here Came A Group Of People In Their Teens And Twenties Who Had Similar Anti-authority Problems And Similar Dreams And Wishes, Hopes For Mankind. So I Gravitated Toward Them.

On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

Hooray For Most Things!

Now, Some People Do This For Shock Value. Shock Is Just Another Uptown Word For Surprise. Granted It Has A Different Quality To It, But A Joke Is About Surprising Someone. I'm A Great Believer In Context. You Can Joke About Anything. I Do Like Finding Out Where The Line Is Drawn, Deliberately Crossing It And Bringing Some Of Them With Me Across The Line, And Having Them Be Happy That I Did.

What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?

As You Swim The River Of Live, Do The Breast Stroke. It Helps To Clear The Turds From Your Path.

I Never Take Credit For Anything, Because It's Mostly Genetic To My Way Of Thinking. Even The Need To Work Hard With Some Genetic Talent You're Given - The Need To Go Out And Develop It, And Push Hard To Bring It To People.

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

A Crumb Is A Great Thing: If You Break A Crumb In Half, You Don't Get Two Half-crumbs, You Get Two Crumbs. Doesn't That Violate Some Law Of Physics?

When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning. Going Onstage Had Nothing To Do With It.

I've Never Owned A Telescope, But It's Something I'm Thinking Of Looking Into.

Why Do Croutons Come In Airtight Packages? It's Just Stale Bread To Begin With.

When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I'm Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

Tits Always Look Better In A Pink Sweater.

Cocaine Was Different. It Kept Saying, "you Haven't Had Enough." I Became An Abuser Almost Instantly.

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

Hey! Who Stole My Collection Of Used Bandages?! And They Also Got Away With My Nude Pictures Of Ernest Borgnine!

The Planet Is Fine. The People Are F****d. Because Everyone Is Trying To Save The Planet. The Planet Doesn’t Need That. The Planet Will Take Care Of Itself. People Are Selfish. And That's What They're Doing Is Trying To Save The Planet For Themselves To Have A Nicer Place To Live.

I Went Through The Usual Stages: Imp, Rascal, Scalawag, Whippersnapper. And, Of Course, After That It's Just A Small Step To Full-blown Sociopath.

If A Pig Loses Its Voice, Is It Disgruntled?

I'm Completely In Favor Of The Separation Of Church And State. My Idea Is That These Two Institutions Screw Us Up Enough On Their Own, So Both Of Them Together Is Certain Death.

We Spend The Early Years Feeding Our Brains With Information And The Latter Half Trying Not To Think About It All.

The Mayfly Lives Only One Day. And Sometimes It Rains.

I Profess No Belief In God, Which By Definition Is True, Especially If We Take The Accepted Definition Of God. But To Be An Atheist Is To Also Have A Belief, And Have A System, And I Don't Know That I Like That Either.

Why Do 'slow Down' And 'slow Up' Mean The Same Thing? Why Is The Third Hand On The Watch Called The Second Hand?

I Couldn't Commit Suicide If My Life Depended On It.

Tell The People You Love That You Love Them, At Every Opportunity.

For A While, I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label.

I Suspect There Really Was More To My Accident Than Bad Luck. I Think It Was God's Way Of Punishing My Nose.

I Use The [vulgar] Words Because Apparently These Words Do Not Corrupt Morally. I'm From The Street In New York, Hung Around In A Tough Neighborhood. It Was Common To Curse, You Make Your Point. It's A Very Effective Language. I Try Not To Overdo It. It's Never To Shock. I Know Where It Fits, It's Never To Shock. There's No Shock Value Left In Words.

Every Time You Use The Phrase All My Life It Has A Different Meaning.

When Someone Is Impatient And Says, 'i Haven't Got All Day,' I Always Wonder, How Can That Be? How Can You Not Have All Day?

I Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me . . They’re Cramming For Their Final Exam.

Sex Criminals. Completely Incurable... I Suppose You Could Outlaw Religion And These Sex Crimes Would Disappear In A Generation Or Two, But We Don't Have Time For Rational Solutions.

If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough.

I Don't Have Any Beliefs Or Allegiances. I Don't Believe In This Country, I Don't Believe In Religion, Or A God, And I Don't Believe In All These Man-made Institutional Ideas.

I Love Individuals. I Think People Are Terrific As I Meet And Get To Know Them. I Like Imagination. I Like The Freedom That This Society Manages To Parcel Out To Us In The Midst Of The Rest Of What They Do To You. I Also Like Thinking About The Fact That The Atoms In Me Are The Same Atoms That Are In All The Rest Of The Universe, And That Every One Of Those Atoms Came From The Middle Of A Star. In Other Words, It's Only Me Out There.

If The Cops Didn't See It, I Didn't Do It!

All The Media And The Politicians Ever Talk About Is Things That Separate Us, Things That Make Us Different From One Another

You Know What I Like About The American Form Of Government? They've Worked Things Out So That You're Never Far From A 7-eleven.

I Hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil Told Me To Express My Feelings, So I'm Expressing Them.

To My Surprise, My Marijuana Use Has Been Tapering Off Steadily.

A Lot Of Times When They Catch A Guy Who Killed Twenty-seven People, They Say, He Was A Loner. Well, Of Course He Was A Loner; He Killed Everyone He Came In Contact With.

You Know Something I Could Really Do Without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's Irresponsible. The Last Thing We Should Be Doing Is Sending Our Grotesquely Distorted Dna Out Into Space.

Religion Is Like A Pair Of Shoes.....find One That Fits For You, But Don't Make Me Wear Your Shoes.

At A Formal Dinner Party, The Person Nearest Death Should Always Be Seated Closest To The Bathroom.

Medical Researchers Have Discovered A New Disease That Has No Symptoms. It Is Impossible To Detect, And There Is No Known Cure. Fortunately, No Cases Have Been Reported Thus Far.

I Never Worry That All Hell Will Break Loose. My Concern Is That Only Part Of Hell Will Break Loose And Be Much Harder To Detect.

Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't.

More People Have Been Killed In The Name Of God Than For Any Other Reason.

I Recently Went To A New Doctor And Noticed He Was Located In Something Called The Professional Building. I Felt Better Right Away.

The Whole Problem With This Idea Of Obscenity And Indecency, And All Of These Things - Bad Language And Whatever - It's All Caused By One Basic Thing, And That Is: Religious Superstition.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

In Tv Today, You Can Say I Pricked My Finger, But You Can't Say It The Other Way Around.

So I Say, “live And Let Live.” That’s My Motto. “live And Let Live.” And Anyone Who Can’t Go Along With That, Take Him Outside And Shoot The Motherfucker. It’s A Simple Philosophy, But It’s Always Worked In Our Family.

I Try Not To See New Comics - Their Acts Or Their Films. Part Of That Is Professional. I Don't Want To Be Influenced. But Another Part Is Fear And Jealousy. I'm Afraid To See How Good They Might Be. I Don't Like That Emotion, But It's Part Of Me.

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

The Angles Of My Body Show You An Awful Lot. I Started Doing Coke To Feel Open, But By That Time, The Hole Had Opened So Wide That I'd Fallen Through. The Body Language In Those Photos Tells You Everything.

Geologists Claim That Although The World Is Running Out Of Oil, There Is Still A 200-hundred-year Supply Of Brake Fluid.

With The Proper Training, I Could've Been An Evil Genius.

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

Never Underestimate The Role Pretension Plays When It Comes To Creating Euphemistic Language.

A Crazy Person Doesn't Really Lose His Mind. It Just Becomes Something More Entertaining.

People Who Own Everything Know How To Relax A Little And Bend And Exhale Once In A While, But They're Not Going To Let It Get Out Of Control.

Little-known Fact: When The Stock Exchange Closes, The Guy Who Comes Out On The Balcony With That Big Hammer Slams It On The Head Of The Person Who Lost The Most Money That Day.

I Have Lots Of Ideas. Trouble Is, Most Of Them Suck.

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

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Carmelo Anthony

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