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Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

-George Carlin

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Have You Ever Noticed

George Carlin

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Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

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As Soon As Someone Is Identified As An Unsung Hero, He No Longer Is.

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Suddenly, I Was Thirty, Very Unhappy Entertaining People In Their Forties, And Here Came A Group Of People In Their Teens And Twenties Who Had Similar Anti-authority Problems And Similar Dreams And Wishes, Hopes For Mankind. So I Gravitated Toward Them.

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If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough.

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I've Set My Own Rules To Live By. The First One Is: 'never Believe Anything The Government Says.'

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To Be Intoxicated Is To Feel Sophisticated, But Not Be Able To Say It.

I Used To Be Irish Catholic. Now I'm An American - You Know, You Grow.

I Just Try To Find Targets I Feel Something About And Express It My Way.

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

Future Historians Will Be Able To Study At The Jimmy Carter Library, The Gerald Ford Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, And The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I Have This Real Moron Thing I Do? It's Called Thinking.

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

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In Tv Today, You Can Say I Pricked My Finger, But You Can't Say It The Other Way Around.

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The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False.

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The Only Good Thing Ever To Come Out Of Religion Was The Music.

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And This Should Go Without Saying. That's Why I'm Going To Say It: Drinking And Driving Don't Mix. Do Your Drinking Early In The Morning And Get It Out Of The Way. Then Go Driving While The Visibility Is Still Good.

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Age Is A Hell Of A Price To Pay For Wisdom.

Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?

All The Media And The Politicians Ever Talk About Is Things That Separate Us, Things That Make Us Different From One Another

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One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

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Life Is Tough, Then You Die.

Religion Cruelly Exploits Our Need To Feel Connected.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment.

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

Without The Laughs, The Audience Wouldn't Be There At All, So In That Sense, Yes, I Am A Comedian.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

Let's Not Have A Double Standard. One Standard Will Do Just Fine.

Double Standard

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Why Do 'slow Down' And 'slow Up' Mean The Same Thing? Why Is The Third Hand On The Watch Called The Second Hand?

I Went To My Old School, Where All The Kids I'd Been With For Eight Years Were About To Graduate. But The Sisters Wanted Me To Repeat The Whole Term; So I Went To The Principal And Pleaded With Her To Allow Me To Graduate With My Class. She Finally Agreed On The Condition That I Write The Graduation Play. It Was Called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?catchy Title, Huh?

Some People See The Glass Half Full. Others See It Half Empty. I See A Glass That's Twice As Big As It Needs To Be.

I Don't Like To Think Of Laws As Rules You Have To Follow, But More As Suggestions.

I Call Him Governor Bush Because That's The Only Political Office He's Ever Held Legally In This Country. I Don't Care Where They Hang His Portrait, I Don't Care How Big His Library Is. To Me, He'll Always Be "governor Bush." I Don't Even Capitalize His Name When I Type It Anymore.

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

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If It Requires A Uniform, It's A Worthless Endeavor.

They Say If You Outlaw Guns, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns. Well, Those Are Precisely The People Who Need Them!

Every Time You Use The Phrase All My Life It Has A Different Meaning.

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Movies And Television Don't Make You Violent; All They Do Is Channel The Violence More Creatively.

To Me, Fast Food Is When A Cheetah Eats An Antelope.

But Then You Turn 30. Oooohh, What Happened There? Makes You Sound Like Bad Milk! He Turned; We Had To Throw Him Out. There's No Fun Now, You're Just A Sour-dumpling. What's Wrong? What's Changed?

I Should Think It Takes A Fairly Low Intellect To Draw Pleasure From The Following Activity: Hitting A Ball With A Crooked Stick. And Then Walking After It! An Then ..hitting It Again!

I Was A Stonehead For 30 Years. I'd Wake Up In The Morning And If I Couldn't Decide Whether I Wanted A Joint Or Not, I'd Smoke A Joint To Figure It Out. And I Stayed High All Day Long.

They Say That Instead Of Cursing The Darkness, One Should Light A Candle. Nothing Is Mentioned, Though, About Cursing A Lack Of Candles.

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

Meow” Means “woof” In Cat.

The God Excuse, The Last Refuge Of A Man With No Answers And No Argument.

Hitler Never Bothered With Restaurant Reservations; He Just Dropped By. And Somehow They Always Found Him A Table.

There Are Only Two Types Of Motorists: The Idiots Who Drive Slower Than Me, And The Lunatics Who Go Faster.

If The Cops Didn't See It, I Didn't Do It!

Some People Think Of The Glass As Half Full. Some People Think Of The Glass As Half Empty. I Think Of The Glass As Too Big.

I Always Have These Little Internal Monologues. You'll Get Used To Them.

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