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As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

-George Carlin

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As Much As I

George Carlin

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As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

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I Love My Family

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She Was Only A Prostitute, But She Had The Nicest Face I Ever Came Across.

One Of The Effects It [cocaine] Had On My Personality - My Moods, My Behaviors - Was That It Inhibited Me A Lot. It Kind Of Took Possibilities Out Of My World, And Made The Focus Of Things Very Narrow.

Little-known Fact: When The Stock Exchange Closes, The Guy Who Comes Out On The Balcony With That Big Hammer Slams It On The Head Of The Person Who Lost The Most Money That Day.

I Never Take Credit For Anything, Because It's Mostly Genetic To My Way Of Thinking. Even The Need To Work Hard With Some Genetic Talent You're Given - The Need To Go Out And Develop It, And Push Hard To Bring It To People.

I Use The [vulgar] Words Because Apparently These Words Do Not Corrupt Morally. I'm From The Street In New York, Hung Around In A Tough Neighborhood. It Was Common To Curse, You Make Your Point. It's A Very Effective Language. I Try Not To Overdo It. It's Never To Shock. I Know Where It Fits, It's Never To Shock. There's No Shock Value Left In Words.

As It Stands Right Now, I Lead Richard Pryor In Heart Attacks, Two To One. However, Richard Still Leads Me, One To Nothing, In Burning Yourself Up.

Religion - Religion, At Best - At Best - Is Like A Lift In Your Shoe. If You Need It For A While, And It Makes You Walk Straight And Feel Better - Fine. But You Don't Need It Forever, Or You Can Become Permanently Disabled. Religion Is Like A Lift In The Shoe, And I Say Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes. And Let's Not Go Down And Nail Lifts Onto The Natives' Feet.

If The Cincinnati Reds Were Really The First Major League Baseball Team, Who Did They Play?

Some People See Things That Are And Ask, Why? Some People Dream Of Things That Never Were And Ask, Why Not? Some People Have To Go To Work And Don't Have Time For All That.

Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too Commonplace. What We Need Are Ovations Where The Audience Members All Punch And Kick One Another.

The Only Good Thing Ever To Come Out Of Religion Was The Music.

I Was Once Dancing With A Woman Who Told Me She Had A Yeast Infection So I Told Her To Bake Me Some Bread.

I Am A Personal Optimist But A Skeptic About All Else. What May Sound To Some Like Anger Is Really Nothing More Than Sympathetic Contempt. I View My Species With A Combination Of Wonder And Pity, And I Root For Its Destruction. And Please Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism; The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

Frisbeetarianism Is The Belief That When You Die, Your Soul Goes Up On The Roof And Gets Stuck.

Roof Over Your Head

So, Have A Little Fun. Soon Enough You'll Be Dead And Burning In Hell With The Rest Of Your Family.

Censorship That Comes From The Outside Assumes About People An Inability To Make Reasoned Choices.

Life Is A Series Of Dogs.

I Had No Shoes, And I Felt Sorry For Myself Until I Met A Man Who Had No Feet. I Took His Shoes. Now I Feel Better.

When You Think About It, 12:15 P.m. Is Actually 11:75 A.m.

Put Two Things Together Which Have Never Been Put Together Before, And Some Schmuck Will Buy It.

Environmentalists Changed The Word Jungle To Rain Forest, Because No One Would Give Them Money To Save A Jungle. Same With Swamps And Wetlands.

Scientists Announced Today That They Have Discovered A Cure For Apathy. However, They Claim No One Has Shown The Slightest Interest In It.

I Say If You're Going To Go For The Angel Bullshit You Might As Well Go For The Zombie Package As Well.

I Hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil Told Me To Express My Feelings, So I'm Expressing Them.

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

If Someone Loves You And They Leave And Don't Come Back, It Was Never Meant To Be. If Someone Loves You And They Leave And Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. [and] I Want To Be Known For What I Do Best.

I Try Not To See New Comics - Their Acts Or Their Films. Part Of That Is Professional. I Don't Want To Be Influenced. But Another Part Is Fear And Jealousy. I'm Afraid To See How Good They Might Be. I Don't Like That Emotion, But It's Part Of Me.

My Father And Mother Separated When I Was Two Months Old.

If A Word Is Misspelled In The Dictionary, How Would We Ever Know? If Webster Wrote The First Dictionary, Where Did He Find The Words? Why Is 'phonics' Not Spelled The Way It Sounds? How Come Abbreviated Is Such A Long Word?

I Always Wanted And Enjoyed Sex, But I Never Put Much Importance On Scoring Or Having An Athletic Sex Life. I Guess I Define Myself More By My Career And My Commitment To A Relationship Than By My Ability To Have A Lot Of Chicks Or Achieve Ten Orgasms In An Evening.

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer.

No One Is More Himself Than The Moment When He's Laughing At A Joke. It's At Those Moments That People's Defenses Go Down, And That's When You Can Slip In A Good Idea.

The Iq And The Life Expectancy Of The Average American Recently Passed Each Other In Opposite Directions.

God Bless The Homicidal Maniacs. They Make Life Worthwhile.

My Left Descending Septal Branch Artery Decided To Close Without Consultation With Any Of My Other Organs. It Happened On Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

The Human Species Could Have Been Great But Instead We Became Satisfied With Lights On Our Tennis Shoes.

Now, Some People Do This For Shock Value. Shock Is Just Another Uptown Word For Surprise. Granted It Has A Different Quality To It, But A Joke Is About Surprising Someone. I'm A Great Believer In Context. You Can Joke About Anything. I Do Like Finding Out Where The Line Is Drawn, Deliberately Crossing It And Bringing Some Of Them With Me Across The Line, And Having Them Be Happy That I Did.

They'll Get It All From You Sooner Or Later 'cause They Own This F**kin' Place. It's A Big Club And You Ain't In It. You And I Are Not In The Big Club. By The Way, It's The Same Big Club They Use To Beat You Over The Head With All Day Long When They Tell You What To Believe. All Day Long Beating You Over The Head With Their Media Telling You What To Believe, What To Think And What To Buy. The Table Is Tilted, Folks. The Game Is Rigged And Nobody Seems To Notice. Nobody Seems To Care. Good, Honest, Hard-working People: White Collar, Blue Collar, It Doesn't Matter What Color Shirt You Have On.

I Was Never A Pipe Or Bong Man. That's California Stuff. I Was An Eastern Roller.

As Far As I'm Concerned, Humans Have Not Yet Come Up With A Belief That's Worth Believing.

Geologists Claim That Although The World Is Running Out Of Oil, There Is Still A 200-hundred-year Supply Of Brake Fluid.

A Pear Is A Failed Apple.

Laugh Often, Long And Loud. Laugh Until You Gasp For Breath.

In The Navy, There Is No Wrong Hole. In The Marines, There Is Always A Hole.

Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism. The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You That Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

I Profess No Belief In God, Which By Definition Is True, Especially If We Take The Accepted Definition Of God. But To Be An Atheist Is To Also Have A Belief, And Have A System, And I Don't Know That I Like That Either.

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Surround Yourself

Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids

People Always Tell Me "have A Nice Day." Well What If I Don't Want To? What If I Want To Have A Crappy Day?

You Can't Be The Fastest Gun In Town Forever. There Comes A Time When You're Not The Golden Boy, And You Have To Go Off Somewhere And Figure Yourself Out.

Soft Rock Music Isn’t Rock, And It Ain’t Music. It’s Just Soft.

I Like My Jokes To Be Built On A Foundation Of Ideas, Or At Least Smart Observations.

Whereas Your Blackness, Ethnicity, Homosexuality Is Something That Might Be Genetic, I Can't Touch That, And I Have No Right.

I Feel Sorry For Confetti. Its Useful Life Lasts About Two Seconds. And It Can Never Be Used Again.

Do You Remember Barbara Bush? I Call Her The Silver Douchebag.

They [the Reagan Administration] Want To Put Street Criminals In Jail To Make Life Safer For The Business Criminals. They're Against Street Crime, Providing That Street Isn't Wall Street.

I Often Wonder How Different The World Would Be If Hitler Had Not Been Turned Down When He Applied To Art School.

All Patriarchal Societies Are Either Preparing For War, At War, Or Recovering From War.

Patriarchal Society

Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?

Your Dog Thinks You're A God. Your Cat Thinks The Dog's An Asshole.

The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

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Catholics Are Against Abortions. Catholics Are Against Homosexuals. But, I Can't Think Of Anyone Who Has Less Abortions Than Homosexuals!

How Can He Be Perfect? Everything He Ever Makes...dies.

I Don't Own A Camera, So I Travel With A Police Sketch Artist.

Everything That You Know About Yourself Comes From Thinking Back, And I Think I Saw Religion As The First Big Betrayal Of Me.

I Like To Say Two Things In Life That Mean The Most: Genetics And Luck. When You Look At It Realistically, Genetics Is Luck Too. Because You Could Have Been Born In Some Really Terrible Situation And Never Had A Chance To Realize Yourself Or See Who You Were. And So The Luck Of Genetics And Then After That, Circumstances, Those Are The Two Guiding Things.

Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't.

I Am Not A Complete Vegetarian. I Eat Only Animals That Have Died In Their Sleep.

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

In Football The Object Is To March Into Enemy Territory And Cross His Goal. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home.

We Think In Language. We Think In Words. Language Is The Landscape Of Thought.

Regarding Jam Sessions: Jazz Musicians Are The Only Workers I Can Think Of Who Are Willing To Put In A Full Shift For Pay And Then Go Somewhere Else And Continue To Work For Free.

I've Been A Performer For A Long Time And I Know When People Are Laughing From Their Guts, From The Inside, And When Their Tuxedos Are Laughing.

If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

I Find It Discouraging - And A Bit Depressing - When I Notice The Unequal Treatment Afforded By The Media To Ufo Believers On The One Hand, And On The Other, To Those Who Believe In An Invisible Supreme Being Who Inhabits The Sky.

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

There Are Women Named Faith, Hope, Joy, And Prudence. Why Not Despair, Guilt, Rage, And Grief? It Seems Only Right. 'tom, I'd Like You To Meet The Girl Of My Dreams, Tragedy.' These Days, Trajedi.

You Know What They Want? They Want Obedient Workers. Obedient Workers, People Who Are Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Do The Paperwork. And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept All These Increasingly Shittier Jobs With The Lower Pay, The Longer Hours, The Reduced Benefits, The End Of Overtime And Vanishing Pension That Disappears The Minute You Go To Collect It. And Now They're Coming For Your Social Security Money. They Want Your F**kin' Retirement Money. They Want It Back So They Can Give It To Their Criminal Friends On Wall Street.

Religion Is Like Drugs, It Destroys The Thinking Mind.

Think Of How Strange We'd Look If All The Cuts, Burns, Scrapes, Bruises, Scratches, Bumps, Gashes, And Scabs We Ever Had Suddenly Reappeared On Our Bodies At The Same Time.

You've Built Up So Much Speed That You Hit 70! After That It's A Day-by-day Thing; You Hit Wednesday!

Swimming Is Not A Sport. Swimming Is A Way To Keep From Drowning. That's Just Common Sense!

To Me, Fast Food Is When A Cheetah Eats An Antelope.

That's The Whole Meaning Of Life, Isn't It? Trying To Find A Place For Your Stuff.

Meaning Of Life

When You're Born In This World You're Given A Ticket To The Freak Show. And When You're Born In America, You're Given A Front Row Seat. And Some Of Us Get To Sit There With Notebooks.

When You Step On The Brakes Your Life Is In Your Foot's Hands.

Government Want To Tell You Things You Can't Say Because They're Against The Law, Or You Can't Say This Because It's Against A Regulation, Or Here's Something You Can't Say Because Its A... Secret; "you Can't Tell Him That Because He's Not Cleared To Know That." Government Wants To Control Information And Control Language Because That's The Way You Control Thought, And Basically That's The Game They're In.

Conservatives Say If You Don't Give The Rich More Money, They Will Lose Their Incentive To Invest. As For The Poor, They Tell Us They've Lost All Incentive Because We've Given Them Too Much Money.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

Writing Is Really Wonderful Art. A Lot Of This Is Discovery. A Lot Of Things Are Lying Around Waiting To Be Discovered And That's Our Job As Writers Is To Just Notice Them And Bring Them To Life.

When You Look At Earth From That One Picture, The One From Space, It's Really A Rather Attractive Thing. I Have Nothing Against The Planet Per Se. I Root For The Big Comet Or Asteroid As A Way Of Cleansing The Planet. The Comet Or Asteroid 65 Million Years Ago Is Probably What Gave Us Our Opening To Replace The Reptiles. The Greatest Entertainment I Have In My Life Is Chronicling Internally, Not Necessarily For The Public, The Slow Dissolution Of Order.

Attractive Things

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

There Are A Lot Of Little Things About Our Bodies That We All Know, But We Never Talk About. That's What Interests Me. These Are Practically Universal Experiences; Nobody Mentions Them! Some Of Them Are Disgusting. Some Of Them Are Appallingly Revolting And Degrading Even To The Most Degenerate Mind. So Let's Get Started With A Couple Of Them.

He Is Dead Now, But He Meant Well.

I Was A Hip Kid. When I Saw Bambi It Was The Midnight Show.

I Use The Word 'fat'. I Use That Word Because That's What People Are: They're Fat. They're Not Bulky; They're Not Large, Chunky, Hefty Or Plump. And They're Not Big-boned. Dinosaurs Were Big-boned. These People Are Not Overweight: This Term Somehow Implies There Is Some Correct Weight... There Is No Correct Weight. Heavy Is Also A Misleading Term. An Aircraft Carrier Is Heavy; It's Not Fat. Only People Are Fat, And That's What Fat People Are! They're Fat !

You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On The Toilet Eating A Chocolate Candy Bar.

I Actually Was A Writer Who Had The Ability To Perform His Own Work As Opposed To A Comedian Who Wrote His Own Material. So That Really Made Me Happy And Changed My Whole Perspective.

None Of The Christian Religions Do [interest Me]. They're All Outer-directed.

When It Comes To God's Existence, I'm Not An Atheist And I'm Not Agnostic. I'm An Acrostic. The Whole Thing Puzzles Me.

If Everyone In The World Sat Quietly At The Same Time, Closed Their Eyes And Concentrated As Hard As They Could On Peace And Goodwill, All The Killing And Cruelty In The World Would Continue. And Probably Increase.

No Matter What You Do, No Matter How Hard You Try, You're Screwed Because It's All Fixed And Rigged. There Is A Club And You Ain't In It.

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

Engineers At General Motors Have Developed A Revolutionary New Engine Whose Only Function Is To Lubricate Itself.

The Things They Don't Tell You In Schools These Days, Geez. Have A Look At Your Owners. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice; You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything.

Comedy, Although It Is Not One Of The Fine Arts - It's A Vulgar Art, It's One Of The People's Arts, It's The Spoken Word, The Writing That Goes Into It Is An Art Form - It's Certainly Artistry.

The Christians Gave Him Sunday, The Jews Gave Him Saturday, And The Muslims Gave Him Friday. God Has A Three-day Weekend.

Early In My Career I Was Divided Because I Had The Real Self Underneath: The Lawbreaker, The Anarchist, The Person Who Swims Against The Tide, The Outsider, The Loner, All Of That Guy. He Was My Private Self, And I Had This Other Side That Wanted To Be Liked In Order To Do All Those Things I Dreamed Of As A Little Boy. I Didn't Realize That Those Things Didn't Go Together Until Later. And I'm Quite Sure That My Use Of Acid And Peyote Helped Me Accept What Was Really Going On Inside Of Me Instead Of What I Had Imposed On Myself.

I Think Self-expression Is Present At All Times, And Whether Or Not You're Talking About The Outside World Or Your Responses To It Depends On The Moment And The Subject.

The Us Army Has Announced That Although It Is True They Performed Mind-destroying Drug Tests On Hundreds Of Soldiers In The 1960s, None Of The Victims Have Been Promoted Beyond The Rank Of Lieutenant Colonel.

There Are Actually People Who Go Out And Re-fight These Battles. You Know What I Say? Use Real Ammunition! You Just Might Raise The Intelligence Level Of The American Gene Pool!

One Great Thing About Getting Old Is That You Can Get Out Of All Sorts Of Social Obligations Just By Saying You're Too Tired.

If No One Knows When A Person Is Going To Die, How Can We Say He Died Prematurely?

There Was A Built-in Audience For The Rebel In Me That Had Been All Along Not Expressing Himself.

You're Really Spread Out Now, You've Got Stuff All Over The World! You've Got Stuff At Home, Stuff In Storage, Stuff In Honolulu, Stuff In Maui, Stuff In Your Pockets...supply Lines Are Getting Longer And Harder To Maintain.

Here's A Bumper Sticker I'd Like To See... 'we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who Has Resisted His Teacher's Attempts To Bend Him To The Will Of His Corporate Masters'.

I Don't Vote. We're Led To Believe We're Free Through The Exercise Of Ineffective Freedoms.

One Can Never Know For Sure What A Deserted Area Looks Like.

The Baby Boomers: Whiny, Narcissistic, Self-indulgent People With A Simple Philosophy: "gimme That! It's Mine!"

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer. When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are. But, On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

Does Killing Time Damage Eternity?

When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

We Have Multiplied Our Possessions, But Reduced Our Values.

An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself. An Artist Is On A Journey: They Don't Know Where They're Going, What Is Going To Happen, But They Know They Are Not There Yet, And There Is Some Continuity And Growth. I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

There Are Ten Thousand People In The United States In A Persistent Vegetative State. Just Enough To Start A Small Town. Think Of Them As Veggie-burghers.

You Don’t See Many Of These White Anti-abortion Women Volunteering To Have Any Black Fetuses Transplanted Into Their Uterus’s, Do You? No, You Don’t See Them Adopting A Whole Lot Of Crack Babies, Do You? No, That Might Be Something Christ Would Do.

War Is Rich Old Men Protecting Their Property By Sending Middle Class And Lower Class Young Men Off To Die. It Always Has Been.

When It Comes To Bullshit...bigtime, Major League Bullshit...you Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims...religion.

What Occurs As You Age Is An Accumulation Of Information, Data, Knowledge, And What I'm Going To Call The Matrix Of The Mind. There's Just A Rich, Textured, Field Of Information And Impressions That Have Been All Networked By The Brain.

To My Surprise, My Marijuana Use Has Been Tapering Off Steadily.

I Think Everybody Should Be Able To Do Anything They Want And Let Roving Bands Of People Punish Each Other For Things They Don't Agree With. People With No Underwear Doing Anything They Want. Wouldn't That Be Fun? You Wouldn't Need Television.

In The Doggie Dictionary, Under "bow Wow" It Says, "see "arf Arf.""

I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

How Can It Be A Spy Satellite If They Announce On Television That It's A Spy Satellite?

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

When You're Born You Get A Ticket To The Freak Show. When You're Born In America, You Get A Front Row Seat.

Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

The Angles Of My Body Show You An Awful Lot. I Started Doing Coke To Feel Open, But By That Time, The Hole Had Opened So Wide That I'd Fallen Through. The Body Language In Those Photos Tells You Everything.

The Class Clown Album Was Done Totally Sober. I'd Realized What A Hell I'd Made For Myself And I Cleaned Up Completely For Three Months. You Can Hear The Clarity Of My Thinking And Of My Speech On That Album.

I Don't Like To Think Of Laws As Rules You Have To Follow, But More As Suggestions.

Granola Didn't Sell Very Well When It Was Good For You. Now It Has Caramel, Chocolate, Marshmallow, Saturated Fat And Sweeteners With A Small Amount Of Oats And Grains. Sales Picked Up.

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.

It's Not In The Mainstream Media Yet, But The Biggest Jump In Skin Cancer Has Occurred Since The Advent Of Sunscreens. That Kind Of Thing Makes Me Happy. The Fact That People, In Pursuit Of A Superficial Look Of Health, Give Themselves A Fatal Disease. I Love It When 'reasoning' Human Beings Think They Have Figured Out How To Beat Something And It Comes Right Back And Kicks Them In The Nuts. God Bless The Law Of Unintended Consequences. And The Irony Is Impressive: Healthy People, Trying To Look Healthier, Make Themselves Sick. Good!

When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are.

I Think You Can Talk About Anything If The Context Is Correctly Arranged. If You Set Up The Context And You Bring The Audience Along Carefully Enough With You, You Can Get Them To Cross The Line With You. What I Try To Do Is Talk About Things That Bother Me, And I Hope That In Doing So I Bother Other People.

A Lot Of The People Who Keep A Gun At Home For Safety Are The Same Ones Who Refuse To Wear A Seat Belt

Heroin, Forget It. In My Neighborhood, I Could See What Heroin Did Firsthand And I Was Definitely Afraid Of That Number.

If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?

Well, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime And Fire Fighters Fight Fire, What Do Freedom Fighters Fight?

Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

When Someone Asks You, A Penny For Your Thoughts, And You Put Your Two Cents In, What Happens To The Other Penny?

It's The Old American Double Standard, Ya Know: Say One Thing, Do Somethin' Different. And Of Course This Country Is Founded On The Double Standard. That's Our History. We Were Founded On A Very Basic Double Standard: This Country Was Founded By Slave Owners Who Wanted To Be Free.

Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane By Those Who Cannot Hear The Music.

I Don't Have Any Beliefs Or Allegiances. I Don't Believe In This Country, I Don't Believe In Religion, Or A God, And I Don't Believe In All These Man-made Institutional Ideas.

I Never Joined The Boy Scouts. I Don't Trust Any Organization That Has A Handbook.

I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

The Effect Of The Coke On Our Relationship [with My Wife Brenda] Was Very Sick. Now That It's Over, Those Were Actually Funny Times. Looking For Each Other's Coke, Hiding It, Finding It, Doing Some, Not Telling The Other. Then Fighting Over It.

The Whole Idea Of The Pursuit Of Goods And Possessions Has Completely Corrupted The Human Experience, Along With Religion, Which I Think Limits The Intellect.

My Mother And Her Plans For My Future. She Had It All Worked Out. I Would Attend A Nice College, Then Get A Job In Advertising. "you'll Be One Of Those Smart-looking Fellows In Their Madison Avenue Suits." And I Rebelled Against [my Mother] And Her Values And Her Plans For My Future At Every Opportunity.

Dogs Lead A Nice Life. You Never See A Dog With A Wristwatch.

I Was A Stonehead For 30 Years. I'd Wake Up In The Morning And If I Couldn't Decide Whether I Wanted A Joint Or Not, I'd Smoke A Joint To Figure It Out. And I Stayed High All Day Long.

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

I Can Remember Staring At The Orphanage And Feeling Envy.

Sometimes, When I Was Really Loaded, I'd Sit On The Floor And Sort Out Every Nut And Bolt In The House. It Was Just Sheer Insanity. And Often There'd Be Speed In The Cut, So I Was A Speed Freak, Too.

Meow” Means “woof” In Cat.

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The Straightest Line Between A Straight Distance Is Two Points.

When I Ask How Old Your Toddler Is, I Don't Need To Hear '27 Months.' 'he's Two' Will Do Just Fine. He's Not A Cheese. And I Didn't Really Care In The First Place.

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

The Only Thing High-definition Television Will Do Is Provide Sharper Images Of The Garbage.

My First Rule: I Don't Believe Anything The Government Tells Me.

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

When I See A Large Group Of People, I Wonder How Many Of Them Will Eventually Require Autopsies.

Hey! Who Stole My Collection Of Used Bandages?! And They Also Got Away With My Nude Pictures Of Ernest Borgnine!

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

What I Hated Most Was Seeing Those Priests And Brothers Getting So Much Pleasure Out Of Inflicting Pain. I Wondered What Was Wrong With Them.

A Scary Dream Makes Your Heart Beat Faster. Why Doesn't The Part Of Your Brain That Controls Your Heartbeat Realize That Another Part Of Your Brain Is Making The Whole Thing Up? Don't These People Communicate?

There Is A Planet Named Pluto, But We Don't Have One Named Goofy. Goofy Would Be A Good Name For This Planet. It Certainly Qualifies.

It Turned Out I Was Pretty Good In Science. But Again, Because Of The Small Budget, In Science Class We Couldn't Afford To Do Experiments In Order To Prove Theories. We Just Believed Everything. Actually, I Think That Class Was Called Religion. Religion Class Was Always An Easy Class. All You Had To Do Was Suspend The Logic And Reasoning You Were Being Taught In All The Other Classes.

If Everything That Ever Lived Is Dead, And Everything Alive Is Gonna Die...where Does The Sacred Part Come In?

The Older You Get, The Better You Realize You Were.

If A Painting Can Be Forged Well Enough To Fool Experts, Why Is The Original So Valuable?

I Was A Class Clown, Of The Classic Term For It. I Would Get The Work Done Easily, And Then I Would Try To Deprive Other People Of Their Educations. I Developed Skills For Mimicry, And I Was A Good Showoff. I Knew How To Get Attention, And I Knew How To Do It In A Positive Funny Way.

When I Hear A Person Talking About Political Solutions, I Know I Am Not Listening To A Serious Person.

My Father? My Father Left When I Was Quite Young. Well Actually, He Was Asked To Leave. He Had Trouble Metabolizing Alcohol.

I Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me . . They’re Cramming For Their Final Exam.

If You Ask Me, We Could Do With A Little Less Motivation. - The People Who Are Causing All The Trouble Seem Highly Motivated To Me. - Serial Killers, Stock Swindlers, Drug Dealers, Christian Republicans.

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

Although The Photographer And The Art Thief Were Close Friends, Neither Had Ever Taken The Other's Picture.

If 4 Out Of 5 People Suffer From Diarrhea…does That Mean That 1 Enjoys It?

If You've Got A Cat And A Leg, You've Got A Happy Cat. If You've Got A Cat And Two Legs, You've Got A Party.

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Louis D. Brandeis

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