As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

-George Carlin

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As Much As I

George Carlin

Topic

Stars

House

I Love My Family

More From George Carlin

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer.

Hurt

Grass

Performers

The Secret Of Success Is Doing Something You Love, Doing It Well And Being Recognized For It

Secret

Wells

Something You Love

In America, Anyone Can Become President. That's The Problem.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

I Love It In A Movie When They Throw A Guy Off A Cliff. I Love It Even When It's Not A Movie. No, Especially When It's Not A Movie.

Guy

Cliffs

The Planet Isn't Going Anywhere. We Are.

Planets

Save The Trees, Save The Bees, Save The Whales, Save Those Snails.

Whales

Tree

Bees

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded.

America

Usual

Buying

I've Never Owned A Telescope, But It's Something I'm Thinking Of Looking Into.

Science

Thinking

Telescopes

Rhetoric Paints With A Broad Brush.

Paint

Broads

Brushes

To My Way Of Thinking, There Is Every Bit As Much Evidence For The Existence Of Ufos As There Is For The Existence Of God. Probably Far More. At Least In The Case Of Ufos There Have Been Countless Taped And Filmed And, By The Way, Unexplained Sightings From All Over The World, Along With Documented Radar Evidence Seen By Experienced Military And Civilian Radar Operators.>>.

Military

Thinking

World

We're Having Something A Little Different This Year For Thanksgiving. Instead Of A Turkey, We're Having A Swan. You Get More Stuffing

Thanksgiving

Sarcastic

Sarcasm

Why Do 'slow Down' And 'slow Up' Mean The Same Thing? Why Is The Third Hand On The Watch Called The Second Hand?

Time

Mean

Hands

What Year Did Jesus Think It Was?

Funny

Jesus

Humor

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So? God? Hey, If You Read History, You Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death.

Hey

Sacred

Causes

You Know, If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough. Acid And Peyote Were That Way For Me.

Self

Drug

Going For It

It Was Just A Compulsion. In Fact, I Soon Realized That The Only Thing I Really Enjoyed Was The Actual Snorting.

Facts

Compulsion

Enjoyed

With Humans It's Abortion, But With Chickens It's An Omelet.

Abortion

Feminist

Chickens

Some People Think That Words Can Injure The Psyche Or The Moral Fiber. And They Really Can't.

Thinking

Moral Fiber

People

I Was A Stonehead For 30 Years. I'd Wake Up In The Morning And If I Couldn't Decide Whether I Wanted A Joint Or Not, I'd Smoke A Joint To Figure It Out. And I Stayed High All Day Long.

Morning

Years

Long

The Day After Tomorrow Is The Third Day Of The Rest Of Your Life.

Life

Time

Calendars

A Woman Told Me Her Child Was Autistic, And I Thought She Said Artistic. So I Said, 'oh Great. I'd Like To See Some Of The Things He's Done.

Children

Done

Artistic

Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

Funny

Life

Witty

Soft Rock Music Isn't Rock, And It Ain't Music. It's Just Soft. Reminds Me Of Something My Third-grade Teacher Said To Us. She Said, "you Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala."

Teacher

Stupid

Rocks

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

America

People

Choices

I Try Not To See New Comics - Their Acts Or Their Films. Part Of That Is Professional. I Don't Want To Be Influenced. But Another Part Is Fear And Jealousy. I'm Afraid To See How Good They Might Be. I Don't Like That Emotion, But It's Part Of Me.

Trying

Want

Might

If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.

Funny

Life

Smile

The Child Molester Skipped Breakfast, But Said He'd Grab A Little Something On The Way To Work.

Children

Humor

Breakfast

A Dog Has No Shame. If He Can Do It, You Can Watch.

Dog

Watches

Shame

The Future Will Soon Be A Thing Of The Past.

Stupid

Stupid People

Past

If You Want To Get Rid Of Counterfeit Money, Put It In The Collection Plate At Church.

Money

Church

Want

May The Forces Of Evil Become Confused On The Way To Your House.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

We Now Buy Watches Primarily For Their Looks, Price, Or Additional Functions. The Fact That They Tell Time Seems Lost.

Watches

Looks

Facts

Religion Is Like Drugs, It Destroys The Thinking Mind.

Atheist

Thinking

Drug

Life Is A Near-death Experience.

Funny Life

Life Is

Near Death

I Sort Of Gave Up On This Whole Human Adventure A Long Time Ago, Divorced Myself From It Emotionally. It Gives Me An Artistic Detachment That I Find Valuable. I Think The Human Race Has Squandered Its Gift, And I Think This Country Has Squandered Its Promise, For The Sake Of Cell Phones And Jet Skis.

Country

Adventure

Thinking

Irony Deals With Opposites; It Has Nothing To Do With Coincidence.

Opposites

Irony

Coincidence

The Very Existence Of Flamethrowers Proves That Sometime, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, "you Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done".

Funny

Time

Jobs

There Are Ten Thousand People In The United States In A Persistent Vegetative State. Just Enough To Start A Small Town. Think Of Them As Veggie-burghers.

Thinking

People

United States

So, Have A Little Fun. Soon Enough You'll Be Dead And Burning In Hell With The Rest Of Your Family.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.

Sarcastic

Laughter

Smart

May You All Make It To A Healthy 100 And A Half!!

Healthy

Half

May

You Show Me Something That Doesn't Cause Cancer, And I'll Show You Something That Isn't On The Market Yet.

Cancer

Causes

Show Me

I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream. So There Is Some Compulsion Involved. But The Dividend I Get Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

Dream

Order

Space

At 68 I'm Every Age I Ever Was. I Always Think Of That. I'm Not Just 68. I'm Also 55 And 21 And Three. Oh Especially Three.

Thinking

Age

Three

I'm Not In Show Business Because I Don't Have To Go To The Meetings, I'm Just Not A Part Of It, I Don't Belong To It. When You "belong" To Something. You Want To Think About That Word, "belong." People Should Think About That: It Means They Own You. If You Belong To Something It Owns You, And I Just Don't Care For That. I Like Spinning Out Here Like One Of Those Subatomic Particles That They Can't Quite Pin Down.

Mean

Thinking

People

These Days Many Politicians Are Demanding Change. Just Like Homeless People.

Humorous

People

Election

The Phrase Surgical Strike Might Be More Acceptable If It Were Common Practice To Perform Surgery With High Explosives.

Practice

Phrases

Might

It Was The Typical Paranoid Experience [to Hide Coke]. As Soon As I Knew My Hiding Place, I Thought The Whole World Knew It. I'd Write Clues To My Hiding Places In Code, Then Forget The Code And Spend The Rest Of The Day Looking For My Coke.

Writing

Coke

Typical

I Use The [vulgar] Words Because Apparently These Words Do Not Corrupt Morally. I'm From The Street In New York, Hung Around In A Tough Neighborhood. It Was Common To Curse, You Make Your Point. It's A Very Effective Language. I Try Not To Overdo It. It's Never To Shock. I Know Where It Fits, It's Never To Shock. There's No Shock Value Left In Words.

New York

Trying

Use

Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism. The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You That Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

Real

Views

Cynicism

You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On The Toilet Eating A Chocolate Candy Bar.

Feelings

Chocolate

Bars

Let's Suppose We All Just Materialized On Earth And There Was A Bunch Of Potatoes On The Ground, Okay? There's Just Six Of Us. Only Six Humans. We Come Into A Clearing And There's Potatoes On The Ground. Now, My Instinct Would Be, Let's Everybody Get Some Potatoes. "everybody Got A Potato? Joey Didn't Get A Potato! He's Small, He Can't Hold As Many Potatoes. Give Joey Some Of Your Potatoes." "no, These Are My Potatoes!" That's The Republicans. "i Collected More Of Them, I Got A Bigger Pile Of Potatoes, They're Mine. If You Want Some Of Them, You're Going To Have To Give Me Something."

Giving

Earth

Republican

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

Struggle

Laughing

Lips

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

Funny

Stupid

Humor

If Everything That Ever Lived Is Dead, And Everything Alive Is Gonna Die...where Does The Sacred Part Come In?

Doe

Alive

Sacred

They Mention That It's A Nonstop Flight. Well, I Must Say I Don't Care For That Sort Of Thing. Call Me Old Fashioned, But I Insist That My Flight Stop. Preferably At An Airport.

Humorous

Food

Airports

I Was Once Dancing With A Woman Who Told Me She Had A Yeast Infection So I Told Her To Bake Me Some Bread.

Dancing

Yeast

Bread

One Good Reason To Only Maintain A Small Circle Of Friends Is That Three Out Of Four Murders Are Committed By People Who Know The Victim.

Friendship

True Friend

Funny Best Friend

Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your Back Doesn't Mean The Circus Has Left Town.

Funny

Mean

Humor

When It Comes To Bullshit...bigtime, Major League Bullshit...you Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims...religion.

Atheist

League

Bullshit

Next Time You See Someone Sleeping, Make Believe You're In A Science Fiction Movie. And Whisper, 'the Creature Is Regenerating Itself.'

Believe

Sleep

Fiction

Religion Is The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Mankind - The Ironic Part Is That It's Presented As A Good Thing, And Its Effect Is Absolutely Catastrophic To Individuals And To Societies.

Ironic

Individual

Good Things

Good News For Senior Citizens: Death Is Near!

Funny

Death

Senior

When He Got Loaded, The Human Cannonball Knew There Were Not Many Men Of His Caliber.

Humorous

Men

Caliber

No, There's No God, But There Might Be Some Sort Of An Organizing Intelligence, And I Think To Understand It Is Way Beyond Our Ability. It's Certainly Not A Judgmental Entity. It's Certainly Not Paternalistic And All These Qualities That Have Been Attributed To God.

Intelligent

Thinking

Quality

Language Always Gives You Away.

Giving

Language

Somewhere In The World Is A Doctor Who Is Worse Than All Other Doctors...and Someone Has An Appointment With Him In The Morning.

Morning

Doctors

World

Things I Wonder About The Fbi's List Of The "ten Most Wanted" Criminals: When They Catch A Guy And He Comes Off The List, Does Number Eleven Automatically Move Up? And Does He See It As A Promotion? Does He Call His Criminal Friends And Say, "i Made It, Bruno. I'm Finally On The List"?

Funny

Moving

Humor

I'm Always Relieved When Someone Is Delivering A Eulogy And I Realize I'm Listening To It.

Death

Suicide

Humorous

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

Funny

Prayer

Numbers

The Older I Got, The More Apparent It Became That My Mother Was Losing Control Over Me. She Fought Back Fiercely With Black Moods, Silent Treatments And Martyrdom. And, Of Course, All She Did Was Run My Ass Out Of The House Even Quicker. The Pressure Was Unbearable.

Mother

Running

Losing Control

I Never Joined The Boy Scouts. I Don't Trust Any Organization That Has A Handbook.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

You Get Into Your Teens, Now They Can't Hold You Back. You Jump To The Next Number, Or Even A Few Ahead.

Numbers

Teens

We Have Multiplied Our Possessions, But Reduced Our Values.

Paradox

Possession

Values

Although The Photographer And The Art Thief Were Close Friends, Neither Had Ever Taken The Other's Picture.

Art

Taken

Thieves

I Respect Animals. I Have More Sympathy For An Injured Or Dead Animal Than I Do For An Injured Or Dead Human Being, Because Human Beings Participate And Cooperate In Their Own Undoing. Animals Are Completely Innocent. There Are No Innocent Human Beings.

Animal

Innocent

Undoing

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

Mother

Moving

Mean

President George Bush Declared A National Day Of Prayer For Peace. This Was After He Had Carefully Arranged And Started The War.

Prayer

War

President

Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too Commonplace. What We Need Are Ovations Where The Audience Members All Punch And Kick One Another.

Needs

Ovation

Corny

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

Memories

Healing

People

As It Stands Right Now, I Lead Richard Pryor In Heart Attacks, Two To One. However, Richard Still Leads Me, One To Nothing, In Burning Yourself Up.

Heart

Two

Burning

But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

Positivity

Ideas

Laughing

I Call Him Governor Bush Because That's The Only Political Office He's Ever Held Legally In This Country. I Don't Care Where They Hang His Portrait, I Don't Care How Big His Library Is. To Me, He'll Always Be "governor Bush." I Don't Even Capitalize His Name When I Type It Anymore.

Country

Names

Office

Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

Inspirational

Funny

Life

People Think Life Is Real Complicated. Actually, There's Nothing To It. Once You Leave Out All The Bullshit They Teach You In School, Life Gets Really Simple.

Real

School

Simple

If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough.

Self

Drug

Going For It

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist. But I Understand The Word "cynic" Has More Than One Meaning, And I See How I Could Be Seen As Cynical. "george, You're Cynical." Well, You Know, They Say If You Scratch A Cynic You Find A Disappointed Idealist. And Perhaps The Flame Still Flickers A Little, You Know?

Thinking

Cynical

Realist

I'm Completely In Favor Of The Separation Of Church And State. My Idea Is That These Two Institutions Screw Us Up Enough On Their Own, So Both Of Them Together Is Certain Death.

Religious

Atheist

Ideas

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

Funny

Disappointment

Humor

Someone Said, And Rightfully, That "property Is Theft'." There's No Way A Man Can Stand And Tell Me That He Owns An Apple Tree. I Just Don't Believe You. And So This Pursuit Of Position And Money And Power, They Are All Wrapped Up Into One Package That I Think Is Crippling, Debilitating And Limiting. And Unfortunately, People Get Sucked Into It And Then They've Got You On The Treadmill. You Know: ''you've Got To Have A Good Job'' And "you've Got To Have A Good Education'' - Which Is Another Word For Indoctrination. We're Never Going To Rise Above These Limitations We've Placed On Ourselves.

Jobs

Believe

Men

Never Underestimate The Role Pretension Plays When It Comes To Creating Euphemistic Language.

Play

Creating

Roles

Comedy, I Figured, Was The Thing That Came To Me The Most Easily. Playing The Trumpet And Piano Took Practice. I Thought That Was A Waste Of Time. I'd Go Out On The Street Corner And Be Funny. In A Minute.

Practice

Piano

Waste

Religion Is Like A Pair Of Shoes.....find One That Fits For You, But Don't Make Me Wear Your Shoes.

Inspirational

Funny

Life

How Old Are You? 'i'm Four And A Half!' You're Never Thirty-six And A Half. You're Four And A Half, Going On Five! That's The Key.

Keys

Half

Four

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

Aging

Turns

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

School

Hygiene

Jersey

Someone Once Said, If You Scratch A Cynic, And You'll Find A Disappointed Idealist. That Really Rang A Bell With Me - Because I Recognized That, Within Me, There Is This Flame, Of Wishing It Were Better, Wishing People Had Better Lives, That There Was More Of An Authentic Sharing And Harmony With Nature.

Flames

People

Wish

Life Is A Series Of Dogs.

Dog

Life Is

Series

Where Does The Dentist Go When He Leaves The Room?

Doe

Rooms

Dentist

The Wisest Man I Ever Knew Taught Me Something I Never Forgot. And Although I Never Forgot It, I Never Quite Memorized It Either. So What I’m Left With Is The Memory Of Having Learned Something Very Wise That I Can’t Quite Remember.

Wise

Wisdom

Memories

An Outsider Longing To Be On The Inside Is The Same As The Soloist Longing To Work In An Ensemble. I Get Great Satisfaction In Being A Part Of The Proper - For Me - Community. I'm Uncomfortable With Various Social Groupings And Clusterings. But When I'm In The Right Group, Doing The Right Thing, I Get As Much Satisfaction Out Of That As Anyone Who Does It All The Time.

Community

Groups

Doe

And Off We Go, Out Onto The Highway Looking For A Little Fun. Perhaps A Flatbed Truck Loaded With Human Cadavers Will Explode In Front Of A Star Trek Reunion. One Can Only Dream And Hope.

Dream

Stars

Fun

That's Why They Call It The American Dream, Because You Have To Be Asleep To Believe It.

Funny

Sarcastic

Dream

My Grandfather, Mother And Father Were Gifted Verbally, And My Mother Passed That Along To Me. She Always Made Sure I Was Conscious Of Language And Words.

Mother

Father

Language

If Everyone In The World Sat Quietly At The Same Time, Closed Their Eyes And Concentrated As Hard As They Could On Peace And Goodwill, All The Killing And Cruelty In The World Would Continue. And Probably Increase.

Peace

Eye

World

Hallucinogens Are A Value Changer...like It Or Not, It Changes Your Values, It Opens Up Windows (doors Of Perception.)

Doors

Perception

Hallucinogens

Regarding Local Residents Attempting To Ban Sex Shops From Their Neighborhoods: You Show Me A Parent Who Says He's Worried About His Child's Innocence And I'll Show You A Homeowner Trying To Maintain Equity.

Sex

Children

Parent

For A Long Time, I've Distinguished Between Entertainer And Performer And Entertainer And Artist. To Me, An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself.

Artist

Long

Trying

Bullshit Is Truly The American Soundtrack.

Bullshit

Soundtracks

All Patriarchal Societies Are Either Preparing For War, At War, Or Recovering From War.

War

Patriarchal Society

Recovering

I Recently Went To A New Doctor And Noticed He Was Located In Something Called The Professional Building. I Felt Better Right Away.

Doctors

Comedy

Building

What Do Dogs Do On Their Day Off?; Can't Lie Around – That's Their Job!

Dog

Jobs

Lying

I'm Kinda Like Herpes, I Just Keep Coming Back.

Coming Back

Herpes

Two Things Happened. The Creative Side Of My Career Was Harmed. When I'd Sit Down And Write Under The Influence Of Coke, The Ratio Of Pages Kept To Pages Thrown Out Declined Drastically. But Onstage, When Rapping About A Feeling I Already Owned, I Would Sometimes Get A Burst Of Eloquence.

Rap

Writing

Careers

I Never Worry That All Hell Will Break Loose. My Concern Is That Only Part Of Hell Will Break Loose And Be Much Harder To Detect.

Humorous

Worry

Hell

My Mother Didn't Get Home Until About Seven Most Nights And, Yes, There Was A Sense Of Being Very Alone After School. She Gave Me All The Proper Guidance And Influences, But Physically, She Just Couldn't Be There.

Mother

Home

School

Do You Think Sammy Davis Ate Junior Mints?

Stupid

Thinking

People

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

Funny

Halloween

Night

I'm Offering A Special Prize For The First Buick On The Moon.

Moon

Offering

Special

I Like To Write Without Being Stoned. I Like To Have A Hit Or Two And Then Go Punch Up The Writing. I Just See Different Things And Hear Different Things. But It's Nice To Be Working From The Base That I Wrote Originally And Then Come To It With A Little Buzz. I Can Have A Little Wine From Time To Time. I Have A Hit From Time To Time, But Those Are The Only Things I Do.

Nice

Writing

Wine

Some People Have No Idea What They're Doing, And A Lot Of Them Are Really Good At It.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

We Kind Of Shape Our Truths As We Speak Them. We Fashion Things To Suit The Occasion Or The Person Or Our Own Needs In The Moment.

Fashion

Needs

Shapes

Something Is Wrong. War, Disease, Death, Destruction, Hunger, Filth, Poverty, Crime, Torture, Corruption And The Ice Capades. If This Is The Best God Can Do, I Am Not Impressed. This Is Not What You Expect To Find On The Resume Of A Supreme Being. It's What You Expect From An Office Temp With A Bad Attitude.

Attitude

War

Ice

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist.

Thinking

Realist

Cynic

Some People Think Of The Glass As Half Full. Some People Think Of The Glass As Half Empty. I Think Of The Glass As Too Big.

Inspirational

Humor

Thinking

Whenever You See The Word Cuisine Used Instead Of The Word Food, Be Prepared To Pay An Additional Eighty Percent.

Pay

Cuisine

Used

Baseball Begins In The Spring, The Season Of New Life. Football Begins In The Fall, When Everything's Dying.

Baseball

Football

Spring

Obviously, There Are People Who Constrict Themselves And Build Walls Around Themselves, Whether It's From A Moral Standpoint Or A Patriotic Standpoint, Or Just Plain Old Conformity, And Who Therefore Live In Those Little Prisons, And When Things Breach Those Walls, It's Shocking For Them.

Wall

Patriotic

People

The Seven Dwarfs Were Each On Different Little Trips. Happy Was Into Grass And Grass Alone. Happy, That's All He Did. Sleepy Was Into Reds. Grumpy, Too Much Speed. Sneezy Was A Full Blown Coke Freak. Doc Was A Connection. Dopey Was Into Everything. Any Old Orifice Will Do For Dopey. He's Always Got His Arm Out And His Leg Up. And Then, The One We Always Forget, Because He Was Bashful. Bashful Didn't Use Drugs. He Was Paranoid On His Own. Didn't Need Any Help On That Ladder.

Drug

Too Much

Coke

You Take 5 White Guys And You Take 5 Black Guys And Put Em Together For A Week And What You Won't Have Is 5 Blacks Guys Talking Like, 'golly Gee, We Really Won That Big Basketball Game' But You Will Have 5 White Guys Talking Like 'yo Slick, Whuzzup...we Be Shootin Hoops And Mad Playin, Slammed Those Mofos

Basketball

Talking

Games

Scratch Any Cynic And You Will Find A Disappointed Idealist.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

If People Stand In A Circle Long Enough, They'll Eventually Begin To Dance.

Circles

Long

People

When I Listen To Those Tapes Now, The Real Cocaine Shows; There's Just Nothing Special About Their Content.

Real

Special

Tape

The Word Bipartisan Usually Means Some Larger-than-usual Deception Is Being Carried Out.

Mean

Deception

Usual

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

Funny

Humor

Stupid People

There's A Thing About Cocaine - When I Was Doing It Secretly, It Didn't Make Me Very Sociable. I Forget How Others Were, But It Made Me Very Inner-directed. So Being In A Sketch And Rehearsing And The "hail Fellow Well Met" Camaraderie And All That Stuff, I Couldn't Fake That Or Force That. It Was Painful.

Fake

Forget

Painful

I Like My Jokes To Be Built On A Foundation Of Ideas, Or At Least Smart Observations.

Smart

Ideas

Foundation

You Know The Good Part About All Those Executions In Texas? Fewer Texans.

Funny

Texas

Execution

I Never Take Credit For Anything, Because It's Mostly Genetic To My Way Of Thinking. Even The Need To Work Hard With Some Genetic Talent You're Given - The Need To Go Out And Develop It, And Push Hard To Bring It To People.

Hard Work

Thinking

People

People Who Own Everything Know How To Relax A Little And Bend And Exhale Once In A While, But They're Not Going To Let It Get Out Of Control.

People

Relax

Littles

When You're Born You Get A Ticket To The Freak Show. When You're Born In America, You Get A Front Row Seat.

Funny

Philosophy

Humor

I Don't Get All Choked Up About Yellow Ribbons And American Flags. I See Them As Symbols, And I Leave Them To The Symbol-minded.

Yellow

Flags

Ribbons

At Best, God Can Be Viewed As Nothing More Than An Uncaring Incompetent Father-figure

Father

Best God

Figures

Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

Brain

Littles

Damage

My Advice: Just Keep Movin' Straight Ahead. Every Now And Then You Find Yourself In A Different Place.

Persistence

Advice

Finding Yourself

If You've Got A Cat And A Leg, You've Got A Happy Cat. If You've Got A Cat And Two Legs, You've Got A Party.

Stupid

Party

Cat

If Helen Keller Had Psychic Ability, Would You Say She Had A Fourth Sense? What Year Did Jesus Think It Was?

Jesus

Stupid

Thinking

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

Numbers

Records

Alive

I Set Out To Become A Comedian, And I Said In Order To Do That The First Thing I'll Do Is Become A Disc Jockey And Know My Pop Music. I Like It, My Voice Is Good, And I Can Start Out Getting Confidence Without An Audience In Front Of Me.

Order

Voice

Comedian

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

Funny

Taken

Humor

We Use Up Words Like 'spiritual' So Fast In This Culture. Twenty Years Ago Spiritual Had A Distinct Meaning. But Now There's A Lot Of Jack-off Thinkers Who Just Love To Talk About The Spiritual. And There Is A Lot Of Bogus - Is Bogosity A Word? It Should Be - A Lot Of Bogosity In These Spiritual Seekers. So You Have To Find Another Way To Express It. I Just Call It 'how I Fit'.

Spiritual

Years

Atheism

I Have A Lot Of Things [in Me] That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sweet.

Sweet

Innocent

Childlike

I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loath And Despise The Groups They Identify Or Belong To.

Funny

Humor

Groups

I Don't See Much Of A Future For This Planet. I Think It's A Cursed Planet. The Boundaries We've Drawn Between Nations And The Profit Motive - Those Two Factors Have, In My Opinion, Brought Us To The Point Where Almost Nothing Can Stop The Utter Destruction Of The Environment And All Our Earthly Life-support Systems.

Thinking

Two

Support Systems

Why Don't They Have Waiters In Waiting Rooms?

Funny

Humor

Waiting Rooms

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

Motivational

Inspiring

Tombstone

I Have This Real Moron Thing I Do? It's Called Thinking.

Real

Thinking

Moron

If You're Looking For Self-help, Why Would You Read A Book Written By Somebody Else?

Book

Self

Helping

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

People

Fake

Democracy

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

People

Water

Monsters

The Habits Of Liberals, Their Automatic Language, Their Knee-jerk Responses To Certain Issues, Deserved The Epithets The Right Wing Stuck Them With. I'd See How True They Often Were. Here They Were, Banding Together In Packs, So I Could Predict What They Were Going To Say About Some Event Or Conflict And It Wasn't Even Out Of Their Mouths Yet. I Was Very Uncomfortable With That. Liberal Orthodoxy Was As Repugnant To Me As Conservative Orthodoxy.

Wings

Issues

Together

I've Just Completed A Five-year Period That Can Perhaps Best Be Called A Breathing Spell. A Time Of Getting My Health Back And Gathering My Strength. That Time Also Included Incredible Cocaine Abuse, A Heart Attack And My Wife's Recovery From Both Alcoholism And Cocaine Abuse.

Heart

Recovery

Years

My Books And Records Are Arranged According To Subject, And Within Each Subject, They're Alphabetical By Author Or Artist. The Music Tapes Are Alphabetical And The Performance Tapes Are In Chronological Order.i Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

Dream

Book

Artist

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

Funny

Humor

Machines

Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups.

Nature

Philosophy

Stupid

Boxing Is A More Sophisticated Form Of Hockey.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

Nice

Moving

Mean

You Become 21, You Turn 30, Then You're Pushing 40. Whoa! Put On The Brakes, It's All Slipping Away. Before You Know It, You Reach 50 And Your Dreams Are Gone.

Dream

Gone

Pushing

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

Inspirational

Jesus

Nice

So I Want To Thank The Pentagon, The Soviet Union And The Military-industrial Complex From The Bottom Of My Heart. Without Them, I Could Never Have Become The Man I Am Today.

Military

Heart

Men

Did You Ever Stop To Thnk About All The People We Kill? They're Always People Who Tell Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They All Said: 'try To Live Together Peacefully.' Bam! Right In The F--in Head! Aparently We're Not Ready For That!

Jesus

Kings

Hate

Fighting For Peace Is Like Screwing For Virginity.

Funny

Witty

Peace

Before They Give You A Lethal Injection, They Swab Your Arm With Alcohol. It's True. Well, They Don't Want You To Get An Infection, And You Can See Their Point. They Don't Want Some Guy Go To Hell And Be Sick.

Giving

Sick

Guy

History Is Not Happenstance: It Is Conspiratorial. Carefully Planned And Executed By People In Power.

People

Happenstance

You Know What They Want? They Want Obedient Workers. Obedient Workers, People Who Are Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Do The Paperwork. And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept All These Increasingly Shittier Jobs With The Lower Pay, The Longer Hours, The Reduced Benefits, The End Of Overtime And Vanishing Pension That Disappears The Minute You Go To Collect It. And Now They're Coming For Your Social Security Money. They Want Your F**kin' Retirement Money. They Want It Back So They Can Give It To Their Criminal Friends On Wall Street.

Running

Retirement

Jobs

Kilometers Are Shorter Than Miles. Save Gas, Take Your Next Trip In Kilometers.

Inspirational

Funny

Travel

When People Say “clean As A Whistle”, They Forget That A Whistle Is Full Of Spit.

Funny

Humor

People

The Next Time A Prostitute Solicits Your Business, Ask For The Clergyman's Rate.

Clergymen

Rate

Religion - Religion, At Best - At Best - Is Like A Lift In Your Shoe. If You Need It For A While, And It Makes You Walk Straight And Feel Better - Fine. But You Don't Need It Forever, Or You Can Become Permanently Disabled. Religion Is Like A Lift In The Shoe, And I Say Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes. And Let's Not Go Down And Nail Lifts Onto The Natives' Feet.

Feel Better

Shoes

Feet

People Who Ask "can I Ask You A Question?" Didn't Really Give Me A Choice, Did Ya There Buddy?

People

Giving

Choices

When You Look At Earth From That One Picture, The One From Space, It's Really A Rather Attractive Thing. I Have Nothing Against The Planet Per Se. I Root For The Big Comet Or Asteroid As A Way Of Cleansing The Planet. The Comet Or Asteroid 65 Million Years Ago Is Probably What Gave Us Our Opening To Replace The Reptiles. The Greatest Entertainment I Have In My Life Is Chronicling Internally, Not Necessarily For The Public, The Slow Dissolution Of Order.

Attractive Things

Order

Years

More People Have Been Killed In The Name Of God Than For Any Other Reason.

Names

People

Reason

And What Can We Do To Silence These Christian Athletes Who Thank Jesus Whenever They Win, Never Mention His Name When They Lose? Not A Word. You Never Hear Them Say "jesus Made Me Drop The Ball." "the Good Lord Tripped Me Up Behind The Line Of Scrimmage." According To These Guys Jesus Is Undefeated, Meanwhile These Assholes Are In Last Place. Must Be Another One Of Those "miracles."

Christian

Jesus

Philosophy

Professional Soldiers Are People Who Die For A Living.

Humorous

People

Soldier

The Whole Problem With This Idea Of Obscenity And Indecency, And All Of These Things - Bad Language And Whatever - It's All Caused By One Basic Thing, And That Is: Religious Superstition.

Religious

Ideas

Superstitions

A Lot Of The People Who Keep A Gun At Home For Safety Are The Same Ones Who Refuse To Wear A Seat Belt

Home

Gun

Safety

If A Movie Is Described As A Romantic Comedy, You Can Usually Find Me Next Door Playing Pinball.

Stupid

Doors

People

Humor Is Based On Surprise, And Surprise Is A Milder Way Of Saying Shock. It's Surprise That Makes The Joke.

Way

Surprise

Shock

Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane By Those Who Cannot Hear The Music.

Inspirational

Life

Music

Conservatives Say If You Don't Give The Rich More Money, They Will Lose Their Incentive To Invest. As For The Poor, They Tell Us They've Lost All Incentive Because We've Given Them Too Much Money.

Giving

Political

Incentives

Y'ever Notice How You Never Seem To Get Laid On Thanksgiving? I Think It's Because All The Coats Are On The Bed.

Thinking

Bed

Coats

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

Mother

Milk

We Created God In Our Own Image And Likeness!

Positive Atheism

None Of The Christian Religions Do [interest Me]. They're All Outer-directed.

Christian

Interest

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

Book

Technology

Hbo

I Do This Real Moron Thing, And It's Called Thinking. And Apparently I'm Not A Very Good American Because I Like To Form My Own Opinions.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

People Are Wonderful. I Love Individuals. I Hate Groups Of People. I Hate A Group Of People With A 'common Purpose'. 'cause Pretty Soon They Have Little Hats. And Armbands. And Fight Songs. And A List Of People They're Going To Visit At 3am. So, I Dislike And Despise Groups Of People But I Love Individuals. Every Person You Look At; You Can See The Universe In Their Eyes, If You're Really Looking.

Song

Hate

Eye

I Also Survived Circumcision, A Barbaric Practice Designed To Remind You As Early As Possible That Your Genitals Are Not Your Own.

Atheist

Practice

Circumcision

Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

Funny

Money

Work

If Drumsticks Are For Playing Drums, You Would Think That Breadsticks Would Be For Playing Bread, Wouldn't You? "would You Like Some Breadsticks?" "no, Thank You, I Don't Play Bread. I Play Drums. Perhaps I'll Have A Drum Roll."

Funny

Humor

Thinking

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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