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I Like To Say Two Things In Life That Mean The Most: Genetics And Luck. When You Look At It Realistically, Genetics Is Luck Too. Because You Could Have Been Born In Some Really Terrible Situation And Never Had A Chance To Realize Yourself Or See Who You Were. And So The Luck Of Genetics And Then After That, Circumstances, Those Are The Two Guiding Things.

-George Carlin

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I Like To Say

George Carlin

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I Like To Say Two Things In Life That Mean The Most: Genetics And Luck. When You Look At It Realistically, Genetics Is Luck Too. Because You Could Have Been Born In Some Really Terrible Situation And Never Had A Chance To Realize Yourself Or See Who You Were. And So The Luck Of Genetics And Then After That, Circumstances, Those Are The Two Guiding Things.

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Hey! Who Stole My Collection Of Used Bandages?! And They Also Got Away With My Nude Pictures Of Ernest Borgnine!

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Double Standard

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Believe You Can

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So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Been.

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If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?

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Every Time You're Exposed To Advertising In America You're Reminded That This Country's Most Profitable Business Is Still The Manufacture, Packaging, Distribution, And Marketing Of Bullshit. High-quality, Grade-a, Prime-cut, Pure American Bullshit.

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All Music Is The Blues. All Of It.

Why Don't Sheep Shrink When It Rains?

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Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

If God Created Everything, He's Got A Serious Quality Control Problem.

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.

"no Comment" Is A Comment.

Can Placebos Cause Side Effects? If So, Are The Side Effects Real?

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Everything That You Know About Yourself Comes From Thinking Back, And I Think I Saw Religion As The First Big Betrayal Of Me.

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Elected Officials

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Why Do Overlook And Oversee Mean Opposite Things?

It Was Just A Compulsion. In Fact, I Soon Realized That The Only Thing I Really Enjoyed Was The Actual Snorting.

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

I Finally Accepted Jesus. Not As My Personal Savior, But As A Man I Intend To Borrow Money From.

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

What Occurs As You Age Is An Accumulation Of Information, Data, Knowledge, And What I'm Going To Call The Matrix Of The Mind. There's Just A Rich, Textured, Field Of Information And Impressions That Have Been All Networked By The Brain.

The Radio Ad "hi, I'm Jeff Healey From The Jeff Healey Band. Don't Drink And Drive. I Don't". Well, I Hope You Don't Drive Sober Either Mr. Healey. You're Blind For God's Sake!

I Used To Be Irish Catholic. Now I'm An American - You Know, You Grow.

My Mother And Her Plans For My Future. She Had It All Worked Out. I Would Attend A Nice College, Then Get A Job In Advertising. "you'll Be One Of Those Smart-looking Fellows In Their Madison Avenue Suits." And I Rebelled Against [my Mother] And Her Values And Her Plans For My Future At Every Opportunity.

All The Wrong Things For All The Wrong Reasons. Sometimes People Just Want To Feel Different. And So Long As Third World Peasants Are Poor They Will Send Us Drugs, And As Long As We Are Empty We Will Ask For This Little Plant.

I Put A Dollar In One Of Those Change Machines. Nothing Changed.

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