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My Mother And Her Plans For My Future. She Had It All Worked Out. I Would Attend A Nice College, Then Get A Job In Advertising. "you'll Be One Of Those Smart-looking Fellows In Their Madison Avenue Suits." And I Rebelled Against [my Mother] And Her Values And Her Plans For My Future At Every Opportunity.

-George Carlin

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My Mother And Her

George Carlin

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My Mother And Her Plans For My Future. She Had It All Worked Out. I Would Attend A Nice College, Then Get A Job In Advertising. "you'll Be One Of Those Smart-looking Fellows In Their Madison Avenue Suits." And I Rebelled Against [my Mother] And Her Values And Her Plans For My Future At Every Opportunity.

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Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So, God? Hey, If You Read History You'll Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death...has Been For Thousands Of Years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, All Taking Turns Killing Each Other Because God Told Them It Was A Good Idea.

I Became A Guy Who Wanted To Be A Comedian Someday, Or A Comic Actor. The Way I Put It Was, I'll Be Like Danny Kaye. He Was Kind Of The Model I Had In Mind.

I Never Eat Sushi. I Have Trouble Eating Things That Are Merely Unconscious.

One Can Never Know For Sure What A Deserted Area Looks Like.

What Does It Mean To Pre-board? Do You Get On Before You Get On?

An Outsider Longing To Be On The Inside Is The Same As The Soloist Longing To Work In An Ensemble. I Get Great Satisfaction In Being A Part Of The Proper - For Me - Community. I'm Uncomfortable With Various Social Groupings And Clusterings. But When I'm In The Right Group, Doing The Right Thing, I Get As Much Satisfaction Out Of That As Anyone Who Does It All The Time.

The Keys To America: The Cross, The Brew, The Dollar, And The Gun.

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

The Whole Problem With The World Today: Private Property. If No One Owned Anything, It Would Be A Lot Better. There's Even An Entire Industry Devoted To Keeping An Eye On Other People's Stuff. This Is How Stupid It's Got. If You Decide To Get Rid Of A Lot Of Your Stuff, You Can Give It To A Thrift Shop Or To Goodwill.

Have You Ever Started A Path? No One Seems Willing To Do This. We Don't Mind Using Existing Paths, But We Rarely Start New Ones. Do It Today. Start A Path. Even If It Doesn't Lead Anywhere

Fighting For Peace Is Like Screwing For Virginity.

I Quit School In Ninth Grade, Even Though I Was Good At The Studies. I Knew I Didn't Need School For What I Wanted.

As You Swim The River Of Live, Do The Breast Stroke. It Helps To Clear The Turds From Your Path.

I Would Never Want To Be A Member Of A Group Whose Symbol Was A Guy Nailed To Two Pieces Of Wood.

Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.

Don’t Just Teach Your Children To Read… Teach Them To Question What They Read. Teach Them To Question Everything.

Environmentalists Changed The Word Jungle To Rain Forest, Because No One Would Give Them Money To Save A Jungle. Same With Swamps And Wetlands.

If Work Is So Terrific, How Come They Have To Pay You To Do It?

Pardon Me I've Got Nothing To Say.

I Find It Discouraging - And A Bit Depressing - When I Notice The Unequal Treatment Afforded By The Media To Ufo Believers On The One Hand, And On The Other, To Those Who Believe In An Invisible Supreme Being Who Inhabits The Sky.

I'm Thinking Of Buying A Church And Changing It Around: Maybe Selling Crack And Having A Few Whores In The Pew.

I Don't Care Much About The Outcome. I'd Like For People To Feel Better And Have Better Lives, But I Don't Think That's In The Cards Through Political Action. I Think Bloodshed Is Still The Way You Get Dramatic Change. That'll Never Happen Because They've Got All The Guns Now. At Least They've Got The Nice Guns, The Big Ones, The Ones With Night Vision.

There Are Only Two Places In The World: Over Here And Over There.

Griddle Cakes, Pancakes, Hot Cakes, Flapjacks: Why Are There Four Names For Grilled Batter And Only One Word For Love?

No One Knows What's Next, But Everybody Does It.

People Who See Life As Anything More Than Pure Entertainment Are Missing The Point.

Heart Disease Has Changed My Eating Habits, But I Still Cook Bacon For The Smell.

Let's Not Have A Double Standard. One Standard Will Do Just Fine.

Double Standard

People Love To Admit They Have Bad Handwriting Or That They Can't Do Math. And They Will Readily Admit To Being Awkward: 'i'm Such A Klutz!' But They Will Never Admit To Having A Poor Sense Of Humor Or Being A Bad Driver.

It Is Impossible For An Abortion Clinic To Have A Waiting List Of More Than Nine Months.

Sometimes, When I Was Really Loaded, I'd Sit On The Floor And Sort Out Every Nut And Bolt In The House. It Was Just Sheer Insanity. And Often There'd Be Speed In The Cut, So I Was A Speed Freak, Too.

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

Never Give Up On An Idea Simply Because It Is Bad And Doesn't Work.

The Best Thing About Living At The Water's Edge: You Only Have Assholes On Three Sides Of You, And If They Come This Way You Can Hear Them Splash.

My Mother And Her Plans For My Future. She Had It All Worked Out. I Would Attend A Nice College, Then Get A Job In Advertising. "you'll Be One Of Those Smart-looking Fellows In Their Madison Avenue Suits." And I Rebelled Against [my Mother] And Her Values And Her Plans For My Future At Every Opportunity.

I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

I Find That An Entertainer Is Quite Content To Sit Still, And I Think An Artist Always Has A Little Motion, Always Going Somewhere. May Not Know Where It Is, But There Is Some Sort Of Unnamed Destination. There Is Some Pulling, Some Movement. So I Just Found Myself In That Category According To My Own Analysis.

My Mother And I Had A Lot Of Distance Between Us Emotionally, Although, On The Surface, Most Of The Time, We Appeared Good And Friendly, And All That. But I Was A Problem. I Was A Street Kid.

I Think Tobacco And Alcohol Warnings Are Too General. They Should Be More To The Point: 'people Who Smoke Will Eventually Cough Up Small Pieces Of Lung.'... And 'warning!! Alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Jerk Your Father Was.'

What Occurs As You Age Is An Accumulation Of Information, Data, Knowledge, And What I'm Going To Call The Matrix Of The Mind. There's Just A Rich, Textured, Field Of Information And Impressions That Have Been All Networked By The Brain.

Do You Realize That The Only Time In Our Lives When We Like To Get Old Is When We're Kids? If You're Less Than 10 Years Old, You're So Excited About Aging That You Think In Fractions.

Flowers Are One Of The Few Things We Buy, Bring Home, Watch Die, And We Don't Ask For Our Money Back.

You Ever Notice That? Any Time You See Two Groups Of People Who Really Hate Each Other, Chances Are Good They're Wearing Different Kind Of Hats. Keep An Eye On That, It Might Be Important.

The Secretiveness. The Stealth. Those Were Obviously The Aspects Of Cocaine Use I Was Addicted To.

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I Think It Would Be Fair And Right To Use Some Of My Land And Wealth For A Drug-rehab Center Or An Indian School.

The More Complicated The Order, The Bigger The Asshole. If You Walk Into A Starbucks And Order A 'decaf Grandee, Half Soy, Half Lowfat, Iced Vanilla, Double-shot, Gingerbread Cappuccino, Extra Dry, Light Ice, With One Sweet-n'-low And One Nutrasweet,' Ooooh, You're A Huge Asshole.

And Now, In The Interest Of Equal Time, Here Is A Message From The National

"fussy Eater" Is A Euphemism For "big Pain In The Ass."

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When I Was In Seventh Grade, I Was Caught Stealing Money From The Visiting Team's Locker Room During A Basketball Game. So I Was Sent To The Brothers. That's What They Called This Parochial School Up In Goshen, New York. I Was Supposed To Get Closer Supervision There And More "masculine Influence," Whatever That Means. But I Was Thrown Out For Telling A Couple Of Really Lame Kids On The Playground That I Had Heroin.

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In High School, When I First Heard Of Entropy, I Was Attracted To It Immediately. They Said That In Nature All Systems Are Breaking Down, And I Thought, What A Wonderful Thing; Perhaps I Can Make Some Small Contribution To This Process, Myself.

That's Basically What The Drive Is: "i Want To Be Famous, I Want To Be Noticed, And I Want To Be Approved Of." That's Basically What You're After. "give Me Attention, Give Me Applause, Give Me An Audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's All You're Looking For.

Catholic School Gave Me The Tools To Reject The Very Religion They Wanted Me To Have. They Taught Me How To Think For Myself And To Be Independent.

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There Are A Lot Of Little Things About Our Bodies That We All Know, But We Never Talk About. That's What Interests Me. These Are Practically Universal Experiences; Nobody Mentions Them! Some Of Them Are Disgusting. Some Of Them Are Appallingly Revolting And Degrading Even To The Most Degenerate Mind. So Let's Get Started With A Couple Of Them.

Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?

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No One Has To Come See My Shows Who Doesn't Like Me Talking About White Christians. They Are Free Not Buy A Ticket. They're Free To Leave At Any Time. So I'm Not Imposing Anything On Anyone. Therefore I Feel Free To Cross The Line.

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I Saw Danny Kaye In A Movie, And He Was Doing Voices And Faces On That Big, Big Screen And Making Whole Audiences Laugh. It Was Just An Instant Hookup.

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Here's A Phrase That Apparently The Airlines Simply Made Up: Near Miss. They Say That If 2 Planes Almost Collide, It's A Near Miss. Bullshit, My Friend. It's A Near Hit! A Collision Is A Near Miss. [wham! Crunch!] "look, They Nearly Missed!" "yes, But Not Quite.

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When It Comes To God's Existence, I'm Not An Atheist And I'm Not Agnostic. I'm An Acrostic. The Whole Thing Puzzles Me.

This Is A Lttle Prayer Dedicated To The Separation Of Church And State. I Guess If They Are Going To Force Those Kids To Pray In Schools They Might As Well Have A Nice Prayer Like This: Our Father Who Art In Heaven, And To The Republic For Which It Stands, Thy Kingdom Come, One Nation Indivisible As In Heaven, Give Us This Day As We Forgive Those Who So Proudly We Hail. Crown Thy Good Into Temptation But Deliver Us From The Twilight's Last Gleaming. Amen And Awomen.

Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small Amounts Of Saliva Over A Long Period Of Time.

If Everything That Ever Lived Is Dead, And Everything Alive Is Gonna Die...where Does The Sacred Part Come In?

I Think It's The Duty Of The Comedian To Find Out Where The Line Is Drawn And Cross It Deliberately.

Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

For A While, I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label.

I Was Kind Of Sweet Kid, According My Mother, And My Recollections. Thoughtful And Good, But Kind Of Alone - Although I Didn't Interpret It That Way, As Such. Children Never Interpret These Things. They Think They Understand Logically.

I Am A Personal Optimist But A Skeptic About All Else. What May Sound To Some Like Anger Is Really Nothing More Than Sympathetic Contempt. I View My Species With A Combination Of Wonder And Pity, And I Root For Its Destruction. And Please Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism; The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

One Good Reason To Only Maintain A Small Circle Of Friends Is That Three Out Of Four Murders Are Committed By People Who Know The Victim.

Funny Best Friend

Suppose I Could Shoot Myself In The Mouth, But What If I Miss? People Will Laugh At Me.

All Music Is The Blues. All Of It.

I Literally Didn't Know My Father. My Mother Had Been A Secretary, And After She And My Father Split, She Went Back To Work For An Advertising Executive. So My Older Brother And I Were "latch-door Kids." We Went Home For Lunch And After School By Ourselves.

One Of The More Pretentious Political Self-descriptions Is 'libertarian.' People Think It Puts Them Above The Fray. It Sounds Fashionable, And To The Uninitiated, Faintly Dangerous. Actually, It's Just One More Bullshit Political Philosophy.

Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

Religion Is Like A Pair Of Shoes.....find One That Fits For You, But Don't Make Me Wear Your Shoes.

It Seems To Me Like A Perversion Of Talent For An Artist Of Any Kind To Further The Corporate Structure Of America Or The Personal Interests Of The Morons And Thieves Who Run It.

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

So About 80 Years After The Constitution Is Ratified, The Slaves Are Freed. Not So You'd Really Notice It Of Course; Just Kinda On Paper. And That Of Course Was At The End Of The Civil War. Now There Is Another Phrase I Dearly Love. That Is A True Oxymoron If I've Ever Heard One: "civil War." Do You Think Anybody In This Country Could Ever Really Have A Civil War? "say, Pardon Me?" (shoots Gun) "i'm Awfully Sorry. Awfully Sorry."

In Football The Object Is For The Quarterback, Also Known As The Field General, To Be On Target With His Aerial Assault, Riddling The Defense By Hitting His Receivers With Deadly Accuracy In Spite Of The Blitz, Even If He Has To Use The Shotgun. With Short Bullet Passes And Long Bombs, He Marches His Troops Into Enemy Territory, Balancing This Aerial Assault With A Sustained Ground Attack That Punches Holes In The Forward Wall Of The Enemy's Defensive Line. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

When I See A Large Group Of People, I Wonder How Many Of Them Will Eventually Require Autopsies.

You Know, If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough. Acid And Peyote Were That Way For Me.

With The Proper Training, I Could've Been An Evil Genius.

The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False.

Here's A Bumper Sticker I'd Like To See... 'we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who Has Resisted His Teacher's Attempts To Bend Him To The Will Of His Corporate Masters'.

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

I Had No Shoes, And I Felt Sorry For Myself Until I Met A Man Who Had No Feet. I Took His Shoes. Now I Feel Better.

In Some Hotels They Give You A Little Sewing Kit. You Know What I Do? I Sew The Towels Together. One Time I Sewed A Button On A Lampshade. I Like To Leave A Mark.

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

Do You Know The Nicest Thing About Looking At Pictures Of A 1950's Baseball Park? The Only People Wearing Baseball Caps Are The Players.

They're Only Words. You Can't Be Afraid Of Words That Speak The Truth, Even If It's An Unpleasant Truth.

Freedom Of Speech

Speak The Truth

I Never Take Credit For Anything, Because It's Mostly Genetic To My Way Of Thinking. Even The Need To Work Hard With Some Genetic Talent You're Given - The Need To Go Out And Develop It, And Push Hard To Bring It To People.

Writing Is Really Wonderful Art. A Lot Of This Is Discovery. A Lot Of Things Are Lying Around Waiting To Be Discovered And That's Our Job As Writers Is To Just Notice Them And Bring Them To Life.

Traditional American Values: Genocide, Aggression, Conformity, Emotional Repression, Hypocrisy, And The Worship Of Comfort And Consumer Goods.

So I Do Have This Ambivalence. Obviously I'm Against Militaries, Because Of What Militaries Do. In Many Ways Though, The Air Force Was Unmilitary-like. They Dropped Bombs On People, But...they Had A Golf Course.

The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

I Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me . . They’re Cramming For Their Final Exam.

George Washington’s Brother, Lawrence, Was The Uncle Of Our Country.

Who Decides When The Applause Should Die Down? It Seems Like It's A Group Decision; Everyone Begins To Say To Themselves At The Same Time, "well, Okay, That's Enough Of That."

There Are Ten Thousand People In The United States In A Persistent Vegetative State. Just Enough To Start A Small Town. Think Of Them As Veggie-burghers.

I Think It Keeps The Child Alive In Me. There's A Thrill When You Steal Something In Plain View Of Other People.

Israeli Murderers Are Called "commandos," Arab Commandos Are Called "terrorists."

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

I Don't Like To Think Of Laws As Rules You Have To Follow, But More As Suggestions.

I Can Remember Staring At The Orphanage And Feeling Envy.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

Geologists Claim That Although The World Is Running Out Of Oil, There Is Still A 200-hundred-year Supply Of Brake Fluid.

I Profess No Belief In God, Which By Definition Is True, Especially If We Take The Accepted Definition Of God. But To Be An Atheist Is To Also Have A Belief, And Have A System, And I Don't Know That I Like That Either.

I Never Joined The Boy Scouts. I Don't Trust Any Organization That Has A Handbook.

The Straightest Line Between A Straight Distance Is Two Points.

I Think Tv Remotes Should Have A Button That Allows You To Kill The Person On The Screen.

I Don't Own A Camera, So I Travel With A Police Sketch Artist.

War Is Rich Old Men Protecting Their Property By Sending Middle Class And Lower Class Young Men Off To Die. It Always Has Been.

How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?

Primitive Societies, Or Social Groupings, Had Shamans, And Some Of Them Even More Recent In Time. Shamans Were Tricksters. There Was A Tradition Of The Trickster, And The Trickster Was A Clown, A Humorous Fellow. His Task Was To Trick The Gods, To Humor The Gods Into Laughing, So That There Was Access To The Divine - Because Laughter Is A Moment When We Are Completely Ourselves.

Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

I Have Things That Are Strident And Confrontational, And I Have A Lot Of Things That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sort Of Sweet. So, Somewhere In Between Lies The Middle Of Me.

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

If You Have A Legal Problem, Guess How You Determine Whether Or Not You Need A Lawyer. You See A Lawyer. Isn't That Weird?

And Speaking Of Sex, The Immaculate Conception Does Not Mean Jesus Was Conceived In The Absence Of Sex. It Means Mary Was Conceived Without Original Sin. That's All It Has Ever Meant. And According To The Tabloids, Mary Is Apparently The Only One Who Can Make Such A Claim. The Jesus Thing Is Called Virgin Birth.

I Like My Jokes To Be Built On A Foundation Of Ideas, Or At Least Smart Observations.

I'm In Favor Of Personal Growth As Long As It Doesn't Include Malignant Tumors.

There Are Women Named Faith, Hope, Joy, And Prudence. Why Not Despair, Guilt, Rage, And Grief? It Seems Only Right. 'tom, I'd Like You To Meet The Girl Of My Dreams, Tragedy.' These Days, Trajedi.

There Was A Built-in Audience For The Rebel In Me That Had Been All Along Not Expressing Himself.

The Iq And The Life Expectancy Of The Average American Recently Passed Each Other In Opposite Directions.

The Mayfly Lives Only One Day. And Sometimes It Rains.

If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.

The Real Reason That We Can’t Have The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse: You Cannot Post “thou Shalt Not Steal,” “thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” And “thou Shalt Not Lie” In A Building Full Of Lawyers, Judges, And Politicians. It Creates A Hostile Work Environment.

You Get Into Your Teens, Now They Can't Hold You Back. You Jump To The Next Number, Or Even A Few Ahead.

The Rebellious Mood Of The Country During Those [60th] Years Allowed Me To Plug Right Back Into My Old Hatreds. I Could Scream And Holler, As I Did On The Albums, Against Religion, Government, Big Business - All Those Assholes And Their Values. That Hatred Was Very Real.

If You Want To Get Rid Of Counterfeit Money, Put It In The Collection Plate At Church.

If A Pig Loses Its Voice, Is It Disgruntled?

I Don't Know How You Feel, But I'm Pretty Sick Of Church People. You Know What They Ought To Do With Churches? Tax Them. If Holy People Are So Interested In Politics, Government, And Public Policy, Let Them Pay The Price Of Admission Like Everybody Else. The Catholic Church Alone Could Wipe Out The National Debt If All You Did Was Tax Their Real Estate.

I Knew A Transsexual Guy Whose Only Ambition Is To Eat, Drink, And Be Mary.

Where Do We Get Our Values From?

Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.

Baseball Is A Nineteenth-century Pastoral Game. Football Is A Twentieth-century Technological Struggle.

The Wisest Man I Ever Knew Taught Me Something I Never Forgot. And Although I Never Forgot It, I Never Quite Memorized It Either. So What I’m Left With Is The Memory Of Having Learned Something Very Wise That I Can’t Quite Remember.

It Was The Typical Paranoid Experience [to Hide Coke]. As Soon As I Knew My Hiding Place, I Thought The Whole World Knew It. I'd Write Clues To My Hiding Places In Code, Then Forget The Code And Spend The Rest Of The Day Looking For My Coke.

You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On The Toilet Eating A Chocolate Candy Bar.

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Is One I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

I Often Wonder How Different The World Would Be If Hitler Had Not Been Turned Down When He Applied To Art School.

Scientists Announced Today That They Have Discovered A Cure For Apathy. However, They Claim No One Has Shown The Slightest Interest In It.

When People Say “clean As A Whistle”, They Forget That A Whistle Is Full Of Spit.

Give Now. Somewhere, Someone Feels Crappy. You Can Help.

If This Is The Best God Can Do, I'm Not Impressed.

If You Vote And You Elect Dishonest, Incompetent People Into Office Who Screw Everything Up, You Are Responsible For What They Have Done. You Caused The Problem; You Voted Them In; You Have No Right To Complain

The Surgeon General Warned Today That Saliva Causes Stomach Cancer. But Apparently Only When Swallowed In Small Amounts Over A Long Period Of Time.

If You Had Chicken At Lunch And Chicken At Dinner, Do You Ever Wonder If The Two Chickens Knew Each Other?

Abraham Maslow Said That The Fully Realized Person Transcends His Local Group And Identifies With The Species. But The Election Of Ronald Reagan Might've Been The Beginning Of My Giving Up On My Species. Because It Was Absurd. To This Day It Remains Absurd. More Than Absurd, It Was Frightening: It Represented The Rise To Supremacy Of Darkness, The Ascendancy Of Ignorance.

If A Painting Can Be Forged Well Enough To Fool Experts, Why Is The Original So Valuable?

I Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.

Ever Wonder About Those People Who Spend $2 Apiece On Those Little Bottles Of Evian Water? Try Spelling Evian Backward.

"no Comment" Is A Comment.

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

The Very Existence Of Flamethrowers Proves That Sometime, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, "you Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done".

Why Doesn't Tarzan Have A Beard

Future Historians Will Be Able To Study At The Jimmy Carter Library, The Gerald Ford Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, And The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

Dogs Lead A Nice Life. You Never See A Dog With A Wristwatch.

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. But I'm Not In A League With Lenny [bruce], Certainly Not In Terms Of Social Commentary.

I Hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil Told Me To Express My Feelings, So I'm Expressing Them.

Catholic, Which I Was Until I Reached The Age Of Reason

Sometimes When I'm Told To Use My Own Discretion, If No One Is Looking I'll Use Someone Else's. But I Always Put It Back.

There Was About A Two-year Period At The End Of The '60s, When I Realized I Was In The Wrong Place And Entertaining The Wrong People With The Wrong Material And That I Was Not Being True To Myself. I Went Through A Metamorphosis Into Something More Authentic For Me, A More Authentic Stage Voice And Writing Voice.

And This Should Go Without Saying. That's Why I'm Going To Say It: Drinking And Driving Don't Mix. Do Your Drinking Early In The Morning And Get It Out Of The Way. Then Go Driving While The Visibility Is Still Good.

The Radio Ad "hi, I'm Jeff Healey From The Jeff Healey Band. Don't Drink And Drive. I Don't". Well, I Hope You Don't Drive Sober Either Mr. Healey. You're Blind For God's Sake!

With Humans It's Abortion, But With Chickens It's An Omelet.

When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning. Going Onstage Had Nothing To Do With It.

Comedy Is Grievances. It's A Recitation Of Grievances - Whether They're Inconsequential, Superficial - Like "my Wife Shops Too Much", Or "kids Today", All Those Old-fashioned Themes - Or, If It's Deeper, And Somewhat More Thoughtful, About Social Imbalance And Inequities, And The Folly Of Human Behavior. It's Usually A Complaint.

I Think You Can Talk About Anything If The Context Is Correctly Arranged. If You Set Up The Context And You Bring The Audience Along Carefully Enough With You, You Can Get Them To Cross The Line With You. What I Try To Do Is Talk About Things That Bother Me, And I Hope That In Doing So I Bother Other People.

Regarding The Fitness Craze: America Has Lost Its Soul; Now It's Trying To Save Its Body.

No One Ever Says, 'it's Only A Game' When Their Team Is Winning.

Did You Ever Stop To Thnk About All The People We Kill? They're Always People Who Tell Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They All Said: 'try To Live Together Peacefully.' Bam! Right In The F--in Head! Aparently We're Not Ready For That!

What Exactly Is 'viewer Discretion'? If Viewers Had Discretion, Most Television Shows Would Not Be On The Air.

All Christian Religions Are Outer-directed. "who Can I Convert?" "let's Go To This Country And Make Them Christians." "wear This." "do That." "no, Don't Worship That Way. Worship This Way Or I'll Kill You - For The Good Of Your Soul, Of Course." Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

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