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In Football The Object Is For The Quarterback, Also Known As The Field General, To Be On Target With His Aerial Assault, Riddling The Defense By Hitting His Receivers With Deadly Accuracy In Spite Of The Blitz, Even If He Has To Use The Shotgun. With Short Bullet Passes And Long Bombs, He Marches His Troops Into Enemy Territory, Balancing This Aerial Assault With A Sustained Ground Attack That Punches Holes In The Forward Wall Of The Enemy's Defensive Line. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

-George Carlin

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In Football The Object

George Carlin

...

In Football The Object Is For The Quarterback, Also Known As The Field General, To Be On Target With His Aerial Assault, Riddling The Defense By Hitting His Receivers With Deadly Accuracy In Spite Of The Blitz, Even If He Has To Use The Shotgun. With Short Bullet Passes And Long Bombs, He Marches His Troops Into Enemy Territory, Balancing This Aerial Assault With A Sustained Ground Attack That Punches Holes In The Forward Wall Of The Enemy's Defensive Line. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

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We Are A Nation Of Sheep, And Someone Else Owns The Grass.

I Credit That Eight Years Of Grammar School With Nourishing Me In A Direction Where I Could Trust Myself And Trust My Instincts. They Gave Me The Tools To Reject My Faith. They Taught Me To Question And Think For Myself And To Believe In My Instincts To Such An Extent That I Just Said, "this Is A Wonderful Fairy Tale They Have Going Here, But It's Not For Me."

Valentine's Day Is Devoted To Love. Why Don't We Have A Day Devoted To Hatred? The Raw, Visceral Hatred That Is Felt Every Hour Of The Day By Ordinary People, But Is Repressed For Reasons Of Social Order. I Think It Would Be Very Cathartic, And It Would Certainly Make For An Exciting Six O'clock News.

A Lot Of Times When They Catch A Guy Who Killed Twenty-seven People, They Say, He Was A Loner. Well, Of Course He Was A Loner; He Killed Everyone He Came In Contact With.

When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are.

If Black Boxes Survive Air Crashes - Why Don't They Make The Whole Plane Out Of That Stuff?

I Remember When I Was A Kid I Used To Come Home From Sunday School And My Mother Would Get Drunk And Try To Make Pancakes

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded. You See The Brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - All Over Their Bodies. Pretty Soon You'll Go To A Family And Say, "$100,000 If We Can Tattoo Pepsi On Your Child's Forehead, And We'll Have It Removed When He's Twenty-one. A Hundred Grand."

I Like My Jokes To Be Built On A Foundation Of Ideas, Or At Least Smart Observations.

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. [and] I Want To Be Known For What I Do Best.

We Use Up Words Like 'spiritual' So Fast In This Culture. Twenty Years Ago Spiritual Had A Distinct Meaning. But Now There's A Lot Of Jack-off Thinkers Who Just Love To Talk About The Spiritual. And There Is A Lot Of Bogus - Is Bogosity A Word? It Should Be - A Lot Of Bogosity In These Spiritual Seekers. So You Have To Find Another Way To Express It. I Just Call It 'how I Fit'.

Flowers Are One Of The Few Things We Buy, Bring Home, Watch Die, And We Don't Ask For Our Money Back.

He Is Dead Now, But He Meant Well.

Sudden Total Weight Loss.

If You Have Selfish, Ignorant Citizens, You're Gonna Get Selfish, Ignorant Leaders.

In My Neighborhood - West 121st Street In New York, "white Harlem" - There Were Only Two Drugs: Smack And Marijuana. By The Time I Was 13, Some Friends And I Were Using Marijuana Fairly Regularly. The Reefer Madness Myth Was Still Very Strong Then, But I'd Been Into Jazz And Those Lyrics Included So Many Casual References To Pot That It Was Completely Demystified For Me.

You Don’t See Many Of These White Anti-abortion Women Volunteering To Have Any Black Fetuses Transplanted Into Their Uterus’s, Do You? No, You Don’t See Them Adopting A Whole Lot Of Crack Babies, Do You? No, That Might Be Something Christ Would Do.

The Effect Of The Coke On Our Relationship [with My Wife Brenda] Was Very Sick. Now That It's Over, Those Were Actually Funny Times. Looking For Each Other's Coke, Hiding It, Finding It, Doing Some, Not Telling The Other. Then Fighting Over It.

I Think We’re Part Of A Greater Wisdom That We Will Ever Understand; A Higher Order, Call It What You Want. Know What I Call It? The Big Electron. It Doesn’t Punish, It Doesn’t Reward, It Doesn’t Judge At All. It Just Is.

Marry An Orphan: You'll Never Have To Spend Boring Holidays With The In-laws.

I Hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil Told Me To Express My Feelings, So I'm Expressing Them.

You Know What I Like About The American Form Of Government? They've Worked Things Out So That You're Never Far From A 7-eleven.

When Someone Asks You, A Penny For Your Thoughts, And You Put Your Two Cents In, What Happens To The Other Penny?

I Loved The Angiogram. They Stick A Thing In Your Thigh And It Goes All The Way Up To Your Heart. Isn't That A Thrill? Well, At Least The Nurse Scored Thigh.

You Know Why We're Good At It? Because We Get A Lot Of Practice. This Country Is Only 200 Years Old, And Already We've Had Ten Major Wars. We Average A Major War Every Twenty Years. So We're Good At It!

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

If Drumsticks Are For Playing Drums, You Would Think That Breadsticks Would Be For Playing Bread, Wouldn't You? "would You Like Some Breadsticks?" "no, Thank You, I Don't Play Bread. I Play Drums. Perhaps I'll Have A Drum Roll."

How Come When It's Us, It's An Abortion, And When It's A Chicken, It's An Omelette? Are We So Much Better Than Chickens All Of A Sudden? When Did This Happen; That We Passed Chickens In Goodness? Name Six Ways We're Better Than Chickens. See, Nobody Can Do It! You Know Why? 'cause Chickens Are Decent People.

The Keys To America: The Cross, The Brew, The Dollar, And The Gun.

I Have This Real Moron Thing I Do? It's Called Thinking.

Tits Always Look Better In A Pink Sweater.

I Really Haven't Seen This Many People In One Place Since They Took Group Photographs Of All The Criminals And Lawbreakers In The Ronald Reagan Administration.

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

The Secretiveness. The Stealth. Those Were Obviously The Aspects Of Cocaine Use I Was Addicted To.

And Although I Broke A Lot Of Laws As A Teenager, I Straightened Out Immediately Upon Turning Eighteen, When I Realized The State Had A Legal Right To Execute Me.

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

I Think The Trend To Control Speech - And Therefore Thought - Continues. Because Of The Freer Flow Of Information Now, There's More On The Side Of Free Thought.

The Only Person Who Is With Us Our Entire Life, Is Ourselves.

I Think You Can Talk About Anything If The Context Is Correctly Arranged. If You Set Up The Context And You Bring The Audience Along Carefully Enough With You, You Can Get Them To Cross The Line With You. What I Try To Do Is Talk About Things That Bother Me, And I Hope That In Doing So I Bother Other People.

You Get To Play With People's Little Danger Zones.

Your Dog Thinks You're A God. Your Cat Thinks The Dog's An Asshole.

To Me The Cynics Are The Ones In The Boardrooms With The Reports From The Focus Groups.

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An Art Thief Is A Man Who Takes Pictures.

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Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small Amounts Of Saliva Over A Long Period Of Time.

It Was The Typical Paranoid Experience [to Hide Coke]. As Soon As I Knew My Hiding Place, I Thought The Whole World Knew It. I'd Write Clues To My Hiding Places In Code, Then Forget The Code And Spend The Rest Of The Day Looking For My Coke.

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That Invisible Hand Of Adam Smith Seems To Offer An Extended Middle Finger To An Awful Lot Of People.

Everyone Smiles In The Same Language.

Hard Work Is A Misleading Term. Physical Effort & Long Hours Do Not Constitute Hard Work. Hard Work Is When Someone Pays You To Do Something You'd Rather Not Be Doing. Anytime You'd Rather Be Doing Something Other Than The Thing You're Doing...you're Doing Hard Work.

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I, Myself, Have Killed Six People. All Random, All Undetected, No Way To Trace Them To Me. And, Let Me Tell You, There's Nothin' Like It. It's A Great Feeling. Yeah, I Know, You're Thinking. 'aw, He's A Comedian. He's Just Sayin' That Stuff.' Good. That's Exactly What I Want You To Think.

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If You Nail A Tool Shed Closed, How Do You Put The Hammer Away?

If Everything That Ever Lived Is Dead, And Everything Alive Is Gonna Die...where Does The Sacred Part Come In?

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To Me, Authority Is Something That A Freer Spirit, A More Independent Mind, And A Person Who Can Handle The World, Doesn't Need Guidance From.

Comedy Is Grievances. It's A Recitation Of Grievances - Whether They're Inconsequential, Superficial - Like "my Wife Shops Too Much", Or "kids Today", All Those Old-fashioned Themes - Or, If It's Deeper, And Somewhat More Thoughtful, About Social Imbalance And Inequities, And The Folly Of Human Behavior. It's Usually A Complaint.

Isn’t Making A Smoking Section In A Restaurant Like Making A Peeing Section In A Swimming Pool?

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

Where Does The Dentist Go When He Leaves The Room?

When It Comes To Bullshit...bigtime, Major League Bullshit...you Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims...religion.

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, 'where's The Self-help Section?' She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.

So About 80 Years After The Constitution Is Ratified, The Slaves Are Freed. Not So You'd Really Notice It Of Course; Just Kinda On Paper. And That Of Course Was At The End Of The Civil War. Now There Is Another Phrase I Dearly Love. That Is A True Oxymoron If I've Ever Heard One: "civil War." Do You Think Anybody In This Country Could Ever Really Have A Civil War? "say, Pardon Me?" (shoots Gun) "i'm Awfully Sorry. Awfully Sorry."

History Is Not Happenstance: It Is Conspiratorial. Carefully Planned And Executed By People In Power.

If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?

Most People Are Not Particularly Good At Anything.

I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

Oh Beautiful For Smoggy Skies, Insecticided Grain, For Strip-mined Mountain's Majesty Above The Asphalt Plain. America, America, Man Sheds His Waste On Thee, And Hides The Pines With Billboard Signs, From Sea To Oily Sea.

The Main Reason Women Are Crazy, Is That Men Are Stupid.

I've Just Completed A Five-year Period That Can Perhaps Best Be Called A Breathing Spell. A Time Of Getting My Health Back And Gathering My Strength. That Time Also Included Incredible Cocaine Abuse, A Heart Attack And My Wife's Recovery From Both Alcoholism And Cocaine Abuse.

[on School Uniforms] Don't These Schools Do Enough Damage Making All These Kids Think Alike, Now They Have To Make Them Look Alike Too? It's Not A New Idea, Either. I First Saw It In Old Newsreels From The 1930s, But It Was Hard To Understand Because The Narration Was In German.

A Crumb Is A Great Thing: If You Break A Crumb In Half, You Don't Get Two Half-crumbs, You Get Two Crumbs. Doesn't That Violate Some Law Of Physics?

In Restaurants Where They Serve Frog's Legs, What Do They Do With The Rest Of The Frog? Do They Just Throw It Away? You Never See "frog Torsos" On The Menu. Is There Actually A Garbage Can Full Of Frog Bodies In The Alley? I Wouldn't Want To Be A Homeless Guy Looking For An Unfinished Cheeseburger And Open The Lid On That

The Writing Is What Gives Me The Joy, Especially Editing Myself For The Page, And Getting Something Ready To Show To The Editors, And Then To Have A First Draft And Get It Back And Work To Fix It, I Love Reworking, I Love Editing, Love Love Love Revision, Revision, Revision, Revision.

My Books And Records Are Arranged According To Subject, And Within Each Subject, They're Alphabetical By Author Or Artist. The Music Tapes Are Alphabetical And The Performance Tapes Are In Chronological Order.i Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

We Think In Language. We Think In Words. Language Is The Landscape Of Thought.

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. But I'm Not In A League With Lenny [bruce], Certainly Not In Terms Of Social Commentary.

When You're Born In This World You're Given A Ticket To The Freak Show. And When You're Born In America, You're Given A Front Row Seat. And Some Of Us Get To Sit There With Notebooks.

If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.

It Is Impossible For An Abortion Clinic To Have A Waiting List Of More Than Nine Months.

They [the Reagan Administration] Want To Put Street Criminals In Jail To Make Life Safer For The Business Criminals. They're Against Street Crime, Providing That Street Isn't Wall Street.

A Crazy Person Doesn't Really Lose His Mind. It Just Becomes Something More Entertaining.

I Was A Class Clown, Of The Classic Term For It. I Would Get The Work Done Easily, And Then I Would Try To Deprive Other People Of Their Educations. I Developed Skills For Mimicry, And I Was A Good Showoff. I Knew How To Get Attention, And I Knew How To Do It In A Positive Funny Way.

In My Fifth-grade Yearbook - It's Right Up There On The Top Shell - The Last Page Says, "what About Your Future?" And Under My Name, It Says, "when I Grow Up, I Would Like To Be Either An Actor, A Radio Announcer, An Impersonator Or A Comedian."

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

I Have Things That Are Strident And Confrontational, And I Have A Lot Of Things That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sort Of Sweet. So, Somewhere In Between Lies The Middle Of Me.

One Time. In 1965. August, For About An Hour, I Was Both Fine And Dandy At The Same Time. But Nobody Asked Me How I Was.

I Thought About How Mothers Feed Their Babies With Tiny Little Spoons And Forks So I Wondered, What Do Chinese Mothers Use? Toothpicks?

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

It's All Bullshit, Folks And It's Bad For Ya.

How Can It Be A Spy Satellite If They Announce On Television That It's A Spy Satellite?

Regarding Jam Sessions: Jazz Musicians Are The Only Workers I Can Think Of Who Are Willing To Put In A Full Shift For Pay And Then Go Somewhere Else And Continue To Work For Free.

I Always Have These Little Internal Monologues. You'll Get Used To Them.

If Two Baseball Players From The Same Hometown, On Different Teams, Receive The Same Uniform Number, It Is Not Ironic. It Is A Coincidence. If Barry Bonds Attains Lifetime Statistics Identical To His Father's, It Will Not Be Ironic. It Will Be A Coincidence.

I Do Something About The Weather. I Stay Home.

I Believe My First Duty Is To Survive. And I'm Not Just Talking About Criminals Coming Into My Home. I Once Seriously Considered Getting A Gun To Protect Myself From The Police. If I Need A Weapon To Continue Living, I'll Get One. And I'll Use It.

That's Why They Call It The American Dream, Because You Have To Be Asleep To Believe It.

Dogs Lead A Nice Life. You Never See A Dog With A Wristwatch.

I Had Run Away From Home Three Times. I Had Been Kicked Out Of Three Different Schools Under Different Circumstances. I Was Kicked Out Of Everything That I Didn't Quit. Kicked Out Of Schools. Kicked Out Of Summer Camp, The Boy Scouts, The Altar Boys, The Choir, And Something Else That I Can't Think Of, That I'm Proud Of. Anyway, That Was My Pattern. I Just Began To Invent Myself Early In Life, And Went Out And Did Something About It.

I Don't See Much Of A Future For This Planet. I Think It's A Cursed Planet. The Boundaries We've Drawn Between Nations And The Profit Motive - Those Two Factors Have, In My Opinion, Brought Us To The Point Where Almost Nothing Can Stop The Utter Destruction Of The Environment And All Our Earthly Life-support Systems.

Support Systems

E-i-e-i-o Is Actually A Gross Misspelling Of The Word Farm.

If This Is The Best God Can Do, I'm Not Impressed.

The Future Will Soon Be A Thing Of The Past.

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

I Call Him Governor Bush Because That's The Only Political Office He's Ever Held Legally In This Country. I Don't Care Where They Hang His Portrait, I Don't Care How Big His Library Is. To Me, He'll Always Be "governor Bush." I Don't Even Capitalize His Name When I Type It Anymore.

In The United States, Anybody Can Be President. That's The Problem.

Don Ho Can Sign Autographs 3.4 Times Faster Than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Traditional American Values: Genocide, Aggression, Conformity, Emotional Repression, Hypocrisy, And The Worship Of Comfort And Consumer Goods.

Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane By Those Who Cannot Hear The Music.

We're Not Supposed To Mention F***ing In Mixed Company, But That's Exactly Where It Takes Place.

When I'm Not Actually Doing My Work, I'm Planning It Or Thinking About It Or Reading Things That On Some Level Are Transformed Into Performance Fantasies. I Have No Active Interests. I Never Go Anywhere Or Do Anything That Transports Me Outside The Boundaries Of My Mind.

The Older You Get, The Better You Realize You Were.

When You Think About It, 12:15 P.m. Is Actually 11:75 A.m.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself. An Artist Is On A Journey: They Don't Know Where They're Going, What Is Going To Happen, But They Know They Are Not There Yet, And There Is Some Continuity And Growth. I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Without The Laughs, The Audience Wouldn't Be There At All, So In That Sense, Yes, I Am A Comedian.

That's Really A Part Of My Nature , It Goes Along With Autonomy And Independence Of Action - It's Just That I Don't Identify With The Local Group, No Matter What It Is, Whether It's The Human Species Or The American Democracy, The Nation, The Country, Religions, Political Parties, Nothing. None Of These Have My Allegiance Because I'm Not Really Concerned With What They Do. I Don't Feel A Part Of Any Of This.

They're Only Words. You Can't Be Afraid Of Words That Speak The Truth, Even If It's An Unpleasant Truth.

Freedom Of Speech

Speak The Truth

How Come When It’s Us, It’s An Abortion, And When It’s A Chicken, It’s An Omelette?

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist.

I Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.

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I Never Take Credit For Anything, Because It's Mostly Genetic To My Way Of Thinking. Even The Need To Work Hard With Some Genetic Talent You're Given - The Need To Go Out And Develop It, And Push Hard To Bring It To People.

I'm In Shape. Round Is A Shape.

I Don't Think Drugs Are A Problem; I Think They're A Symptom. As Long As Americans Are Empty, Spiritually, Emotionally, Morally Empty, They Will Need Things Like The Drugs They Choose To Use. Mankind Has Wanted To Change The Way It Felt From The Beginning Anyway. In This Country There Are Even More Reasons To Want To Feel Different, To Want To Feel Better, Because This Is Such A Neon Sewer. This Is Such A Degrading Culture. It Forces You To Play Beethoven To Your Child In The Uterus So That He Will Get Into A Better School And A Better Job And Make More Money So He Can Take Care Of You.

Although The Photographer And The Art Thief Were Close Friends, Neither Had Ever Taken The Other's Picture.

What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

I've Been A Performer For A Long Time And I Know When People Are Laughing From Their Guts, From The Inside, And When Their Tuxedos Are Laughing.

It's Nothing But A Big Stroke Job In This Country. The Government Strokes You Every Day Of Your Life. Religion Never Stops Stroking You. Big Business Gives You A Good Stroke. And It's One Big, Transcontinental, Cross-country, Red, White And Blue Stroke Job... Do You Know What The National Emblem For This Country Ought To Be? Forget That Bald Eagle. The National Emblem Of This Country Ought To Be Uncle Sam Standing Naked At Attention Saluting, And Seated On A Chair Next To Him, The Statue Of Liberty Jerking Him Off. That Would Be A Good Symbol For The United Strokes Of America.

The Next Time A Prostitute Solicits Your Business, Ask For The Clergyman's Rate.

Sometimes A Fireman Will Go To Great Strenuous Lengths To Save A Raccoon That's Stuck In A Drainpipe And Then Go Out On The Weekend And Kill Several Of Them For Amusement.

I Always Wanted And Enjoyed Sex, But I Never Put Much Importance On Scoring Or Having An Athletic Sex Life. I Guess I Define Myself More By My Career And My Commitment To A Relationship Than By My Ability To Have A Lot Of Chicks Or Achieve Ten Orgasms In An Evening.

Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

Here's All You Have To Know About Men And Women: Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid. And The Main Reason Women Are Crazy Is That Men Are Stupid.

I Think It's The Duty Of The Comedian To Find Out Where The Line Is Drawn And Cross It Deliberately.

I Did A Lot Of Thinking, And Used Mental Activity To Relieve Whatever Feelings I Had. I Became Very Left-brained, And I Was Good In School. That Is, I Was A Smart Kid.

We Spend The Early Years Feeding Our Brains With Information And The Latter Half Trying Not To Think About It All.

Cancer Research Is A Growth Industry.

Not Only Do I Not Know What's Going On, I Wouldn't Know What To Do About It If I Did.

If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough.

I Just Try To Find Targets I Feel Something About And Express It My Way.

Dogs And Cats Get Put To Sleep; Hogs And Cows Get Slaughtered.

All Patriarchal Societies Are Either Preparing For War, At War, Or Recovering From War.

Patriarchal Society

People Always Tell Me "have A Nice Day." Well What If I Don't Want To? What If I Want To Have A Crappy Day?

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

Heart Disease Has Changed My Eating Habits, But I Still Cook Bacon For The Smell.

I Love It In A Movie When They Throw A Guy Off A Cliff. I Love It Even When It's Not A Movie. No, Especially When It's Not A Movie.

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

I Consider The Coke A Major Cause. Of Course, You Could Also Make The Argument That Because Cocaine Speeds Up The Heart, It's Good For You.

The Whole Idea Of The Pursuit Of Goods And Possessions Has Completely Corrupted The Human Experience, Along With Religion, Which I Think Limits The Intellect.

Somehow I Enjoy Watching People Suffer.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

"no Comment" Is A Comment.

In Comic Strips, The Person On The Left Always Speaks First.

There Will Be A Rain Dance Friday Night, Weather Permitting!

All Christian Religions Are Outer-directed. "who Can I Convert?" "let's Go To This Country And Make Them Christians." "wear This." "do That." "no, Don't Worship That Way. Worship This Way Or I'll Kill You - For The Good Of Your Soul, Of Course." Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

There's A Reason Education Sucks, And It's The Same Reason It Will Never Ever Ever Be Fixed. It's Never Going To Get Any Better. Don't Look For It. Be Happy With What You've Got, Because The Owners Of This Country Don't Want That. I'm Talking About The Real Owners Now... The Real Owners. The Big Wealthy Business Interests That Control Things And Make All The Important Decisions. Forget The Politicians. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice. You Have Owners.

When People Say “clean As A Whistle”, They Forget That A Whistle Is Full Of Spit.

There's A Thing About Cocaine - When I Was Doing It Secretly, It Didn't Make Me Very Sociable. I Forget How Others Were, But It Made Me Very Inner-directed. So Being In A Sketch And Rehearsing And The "hail Fellow Well Met" Camaraderie And All That Stuff, I Couldn't Fake That Or Force That. It Was Painful.

A House Is Just A Place To Keep Your Stuff While You Go Out And Get More Stuff.

I'll Tell You A Little Secret About The Blues: It's Not Enough To Know Which Notes To Play, You Have To Know Why They Need To Be Played.

Environmentalists Changed The Word Jungle To Rain Forest, Because No One Would Give Them Money To Save A Jungle. Same With Swamps And Wetlands.

None Of The Christian Religions Do [interest Me]. They're All Outer-directed.

Religion Has What Is Easily The Greatest Bullshit Story Of All Time.

The Caterpillar Does All The Work, But The Butterfly Gets All The Publicity.

Baseball Is A Nineteenth-century Pastoral Game. Football Is A Twentieth-century Technological Struggle.

Life Is A Near-death Experience.

The Person Who Is Most A Part Of Me Is The Performer, Is The Standup, The Guy Who Says, "hey Look At Me, Listen To This!" I Do That Because That's What I Do, I Love Doing It.

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

I'm Offering A Special Prize For The First Buick On The Moon.

The Dividend I Get [from My Compulsion] Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

Your Home Is Your Refuge.

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

Sun Worship Is Fairly Simple. There's No Mystery, No Miracles, No Pageantry, No One Asks For Money, There Are No Songs To Learn, And We Don't Have A Special Building Where We All Gather Once A Week To Pare Compare Clothing.

The Only Good Thing About Religion Is The Music. Because Nature Is Filled With Balances And Opposites, There Are Always Exceptions To The Overall Rules, Whether The Overall Rules Are Bleak Or Otherwise. If You Propound A Joyous Theory Of Existence, I Will Find An Exception To That. If I Propound A Bleak Theory, Someone Will Find A Joyous Exception. That's Just Nature Being Nature, I Think, And I Don't Think It Offers A Lot Of Hope. It's Sort Of A Respite Along The Way.

My Grandfather, Mother And Father Were Gifted Verbally, And My Mother Passed That Along To Me. She Always Made Sure I Was Conscious Of Language And Words.

Laugh Often, Long And Loud. Laugh Until You Gasp For Breath.

Regarding Local Residents Attempting To Ban Sex Shops From Their Neighborhoods: You Show Me A Parent Who Says He's Worried About His Child's Innocence And I'll Show You A Homeowner Trying To Maintain Equity.

Military Cemeteries Around The World Are Packed With Brainwashed Dead Soldiers Who Were Convinced God Was On Their Side. America Prays For God To Destroy Our Enemies. Our Enemies Pray For God To Destroy Us. Somebody's Gonna Be Disappointed! Somebody's Wasting Their Time! Could It Be.. Everyone?

I'm 60 Years Of Age. That's 16 Celsius.

There Are Only Two Places In The World: Over Here And Over There.

The Child Molester Skipped Breakfast, But Said He'd Grab A Little Something On The Way To Work.

I Recently Bought A Book Of Free Verse. For Twelve Dollars.

I Think Everyone Should Treat One Another In A Christian Manner. I Will Not, However, Be Responsible For The Consequences.

Why Do Overlook And Oversee Mean Opposite Things?

There Is Nothing Wrong With The Planet. The Planet Is Fine ... Been Here 4 1/2 Billion Years. We've Been Here, What, A 100,000 Years, Maybe 200,000. And We've Only Been Engaged In Heavy Industry A Little Over 200 Years. 200 Years Versus 4 1/2 Billion. And We Have The Conceit To Think That Somehow We're A Threat? The Planet Isn't Going Away. We Are.

Now, Some People Do This For Shock Value. Shock Is Just Another Uptown Word For Surprise. Granted It Has A Different Quality To It, But A Joke Is About Surprising Someone. I'm A Great Believer In Context. You Can Joke About Anything. I Do Like Finding Out Where The Line Is Drawn, Deliberately Crossing It And Bringing Some Of Them With Me Across The Line, And Having Them Be Happy That I Did.

The Planet Isn't Going Anywhere. We Are.

Comedy, Although It Is Not One Of The Fine Arts - It's A Vulgar Art, It's One Of The People's Arts, It's The Spoken Word, The Writing That Goes Into It Is An Art Form - It's Certainly Artistry.

I Never Eat Sushi. I Have Trouble Eating Things That Are Merely Unconscious.

Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky.

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Brian P. Cleary

Scipio Africanus

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