Background Image

...

If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.

-George Carlin

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

If There Were Only

George Carlin

...

If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.

Views: 8

Topic

More From George Carlin

Know My Feelings About Traffic Laws? Cop Didn't See It? I Didn't Do It.

We [americans] Are Not A Freedom-loving People In The Beautiful, Spiritual Sense. We Have An Inspiring Constitution, But We're A Hardhearted People.

You Wouldn't Know It, From Some Of The Things I've Said Over The Years, But I Like People. I Do. I Like People, But I Like Them In Short Bursts. I Don't Like People For Extended Periods Of Time. I'm All Right With Them For A Little While, But Once You Get Up Past Around... A Minute, Minute And A Half, I Gotta Get The Fuck Out Of There.

In Restaurants Where They Serve Frog's Legs, What Do They Do With The Rest Of The Frog? Do They Just Throw It Away? You Never See "frog Torsos" On The Menu. Is There Actually A Garbage Can Full Of Frog Bodies In The Alley? I Wouldn't Want To Be A Homeless Guy Looking For An Unfinished Cheeseburger And Open The Lid On That

Regarding The Fitness Craze: America Has Lost Its Soul; Now It's Trying To Save Its Body.

How Can It Be A Spy Satellite If They Announce On Television That It's A Spy Satellite?

If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.

I Believe My First Duty Is To Survive. And I'm Not Just Talking About Criminals Coming Into My Home. I Once Seriously Considered Getting A Gun To Protect Myself From The Police. If I Need A Weapon To Continue Living, I'll Get One. And I'll Use It.

Don Ho Can Sign Autographs 3.4 Times Faster Than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

The Human Species Could Have Been Great But Instead We Became Satisfied With Lights On Our Tennis Shoes.

There's A Thing About Cocaine - When I Was Doing It Secretly, It Didn't Make Me Very Sociable. I Forget How Others Were, But It Made Me Very Inner-directed. So Being In A Sketch And Rehearsing And The "hail Fellow Well Met" Camaraderie And All That Stuff, I Couldn't Fake That Or Force That. It Was Painful.

I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream. So There Is Some Compulsion Involved. But The Dividend I Get Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

I Didn't Wash Today. I Wasn't Dirty. If I'm Not Dirty, I Don't Wash. Some Weeks I Don't Have To Shower At All. I Just Groom My Three Basic Areas: Teeth, Hair, And Asshole. And To Save Time, I Use The Same Brush.

Comedy, Although It Is Not One Of The Fine Arts - It's A Vulgar Art, It's One Of The People's Arts, It's The Spoken Word, The Writing That Goes Into It Is An Art Form - It's Certainly Artistry.

No Matter How You Care To Define It, I Do Not Identify With The Local Group. Planet, Species, Race, Nation, State, Religion, Party, Union, Club, Association, Neighborhood Improvement Committee; I Have No Interest In Any Of It. I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loathe And Despise The Groups They Identify With And Belong To.

Somewhere In The World Is A Doctor Who Is Worse Than All Other Doctors...and Someone Has An Appointment With Him In The Morning.

I Hope I'm Beginning A New Cycle Of Energy And Creativity. If So, It'll Really Be My Third Career. The First Was As A Straight Comic In The Sixties. The Second Was As A Counterculture Performer In The Seventies. The Third Will Be...well, That's For Others To Judge.

Ah, To Be A Bird. To Fly The Skies, Sing My Song, And Best Of All Occasionally Peck Someone's Eyes Out.

The Secretiveness. The Stealth. Those Were Obviously The Aspects Of Cocaine Use I Was Addicted To.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

If Lawyers Are Disbarred And Clergymen Defrocked, Doesn't It Follow That Electricians Can Be Delighted, Musicians Denoted?

The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False.

What Exactly Is 'viewer Discretion'? If Viewers Had Discretion, Most Television Shows Would Not Be On The Air.

If The Cops Didn't See It, I Didn't Do It!

I Have As Much Authority As The Pope, I Just Don't Have As Many People Who Believe It.

Here’s A Bumper Sticker I’d Like To See: “we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who’s Self-esteem Is Sufficient That He Doesn’t Need Us Promoting His Minor Scholastic Achievements On The Back Of Our Car."

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

I'm 63 Now. But That's Just 17 Celsius.

Your Dog Thinks You're A God. Your Cat Thinks The Dog's An Asshole.

If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.

That's Really A Part Of My Nature , It Goes Along With Autonomy And Independence Of Action - It's Just That I Don't Identify With The Local Group, No Matter What It Is, Whether It's The Human Species Or The American Democracy, The Nation, The Country, Religions, Political Parties, Nothing. None Of These Have My Allegiance Because I'm Not Really Concerned With What They Do. I Don't Feel A Part Of Any Of This.

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

If You Ask Me, We Could Do With A Little Less Motivation. - The People Who Are Causing All The Trouble Seem Highly Motivated To Me. - Serial Killers, Stock Swindlers, Drug Dealers, Christian Republicans.

Tonight's Forecast: Dark. Continued Mostly Dark Tonight, Turning To Wildly Scattered Light In The Morning

Regarding Jam Sessions: Jazz Musicians Are The Only Workers I Can Think Of Who Are Willing To Put In A Full Shift For Pay And Then Go Somewhere Else And Continue To Work For Free.

I Noticed That All The Prayers I Used To Offer To God, And All The Prayers I Now Offer To Joe Pesci, Are Being Answered At About The Same 50% Rate. Half The Time I Get What I Want, Half The Time I Don't... Same As The Four-leaf Clover And The Horseshoe...same As The Voodoo Lady Who Tells You Your Fortune By Squeezing The Goat's Testicles, It's All The Same: 50-50. So Just Pick Your Superstition, Sit Back, Make A Wish, And Enjoy Yourself.

I Respect Animals. I Have More Sympathy For An Injured Or Dead Animal Than I Do For An Injured Or Dead Human Being, Because Human Beings Participate And Cooperate In Their Own Undoing. Animals Are Completely Innocent. There Are No Innocent Human Beings.

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

I'm Certainly A Skeptic. I Always Quibble With People.

If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

Does Killing Time Damage Eternity?

The Writing Is What Gives Me The Joy, Especially Editing Myself For The Page, And Getting Something Ready To Show To The Editors, And Then To Have A First Draft And Get It Back And Work To Fix It, I Love Reworking, I Love Editing, Love Love Love Revision, Revision, Revision, Revision.

Singing Is Basically A Form Of Pleasant, Controlled Screaming.

Comedy, I Figured, Was The Thing That Came To Me The Most Easily. Playing The Trumpet And Piano Took Practice. I Thought That Was A Waste Of Time. I'd Go Out On The Street Corner And Be Funny. In A Minute.

All The Media And The Politicians Ever Talk About Is Things That Separate Us, Things That Make Us Different From One Another

Lenny Bruce Genius Was The Unique Ability To Investigate Hypocrisy And Expose Social Inequities In A Street Rap That Was Really A Form Of Poetry.

Why Is The Man Who Invests All Your Money Called A Broker?

Rhetoric Paints With A Broad Brush.

The Enjoyment Has Been Diminishing. Now, There's No Question That It's Sort Of Fun To Get High.

As Far As I'm Concerned, Humans Have Not Yet Come Up With A Belief That's Worth Believing.

Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

I Was A Loner As A Child. I Had An Imaginary Friend - I Didn't Bother With Him.

I Recently Went To A New Doctor And Noticed He Was Located In Something Called The Professional Building. I Felt Better Right Away.

I Don't Understand The Problem With Paroling Charles Manson? I Say Set Him Free And Let Him Get On With His Work. I Have A Long List Of Celebrities I'd Be Glad To Share With Him.

Weather Tonight: Dark. Turning Partly Light By Morning.

Part Of The Pleasure Of Being Alive Is The Knowledge That You're Not Dead Yet.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

Put Two Things Together Which Have Never Been Put Together Before, And Some Schmuck Will Buy It.

I Sort Of Gave Up On This Whole Human Adventure A Long Time Ago, Divorced Myself From It Emotionally. It Gives Me An Artistic Detachment That I Find Valuable. I Think The Human Race Has Squandered Its Gift, And I Think This Country Has Squandered Its Promise, For The Sake Of Cell Phones And Jet Skis.

People Who Own Everything Know How To Relax A Little And Bend And Exhale Once In A While, But They're Not Going To Let It Get Out Of Control.

Most People Are Not Particularly Good At Anything.

I’m A High-tech Low-life. A Cutting Edge, State-of-the-art Bi-coastal Multi-tasker And I Can Give You A Gigabyte In A Nanosecond!

That's Basically What The Drive Is: "i Want To Be Famous, I Want To Be Noticed, And I Want To Be Approved Of." That's Basically What You're After. "give Me Attention, Give Me Applause, Give Me An Audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's All You're Looking For.

Things I Wonder About The Fbi's List Of The "ten Most Wanted" Criminals: When They Catch A Guy And He Comes Off The List, Does Number Eleven Automatically Move Up? And Does He See It As A Promotion? Does He Call His Criminal Friends And Say, "i Made It, Bruno. I'm Finally On The List"?

An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself. An Artist Is On A Journey: They Don't Know Where They're Going, What Is Going To Happen, But They Know They Are Not There Yet, And There Is Some Continuity And Growth. I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Now, Some People Do This For Shock Value. Shock Is Just Another Uptown Word For Surprise. Granted It Has A Different Quality To It, But A Joke Is About Surprising Someone. I'm A Great Believer In Context. You Can Joke About Anything. I Do Like Finding Out Where The Line Is Drawn, Deliberately Crossing It And Bringing Some Of Them With Me Across The Line, And Having Them Be Happy That I Did.

Most People With Low Self-esteem Have Earned It.

The Planet Isn't Going Anywhere. We Are.

You Know Who Would Make An Interesting Murder-suicide? Madeline Albright And Yanni.

And Off We Go, Out Onto The Highway Looking For A Little Fun. Perhaps A Flatbed Truck Loaded With Human Cadavers Will Explode In Front Of A Star Trek Reunion. One Can Only Dream And Hope.

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

By And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

It's Nothing But A Big Stroke Job In This Country. The Government Strokes You Every Day Of Your Life. Religion Never Stops Stroking You. Big Business Gives You A Good Stroke. And It's One Big, Transcontinental, Cross-country, Red, White And Blue Stroke Job... Do You Know What The National Emblem For This Country Ought To Be? Forget That Bald Eagle. The National Emblem Of This Country Ought To Be Uncle Sam Standing Naked At Attention Saluting, And Seated On A Chair Next To Him, The Statue Of Liberty Jerking Him Off. That Would Be A Good Symbol For The United Strokes Of America.

Dogs Lead A Nice Life. You Never See A Dog With A Wristwatch.

E-i-e-i-o Is Actually A Gross Misspelling Of The Word Farm.

I've Never Seen A Homeless Guy With A Bottle Of Gatorade.

We Get What We Deserve. They Are Our Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

I Think The Trend To Control Speech - And Therefore Thought - Continues. Because Of The Freer Flow Of Information Now, There's More On The Side Of Free Thought.

Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids

Hard Work Is For People Short On Talent.

I Did Lsd And Peyote In The Late Sixties, Before I Got Into Cocaine. That Was Concurrent With My Change From A Straight Comic To The Album And Counterculture Period, And Those Drugs Served Their Purpose. They Helped Open Me Up.

Self-expression Is A Hallmark Of An Artist, Of Art, To Get Something Off One's Chest, To Sing One's Song. So That Element Is Present In All Art. It Is The Key To Even Standing Up And Saying, "hey, Listen To Me." Self-expression Can Be Based On Looking At The World And Making Observations About It.

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

I Was Once Dancing With A Woman Who Told Me She Had A Yeast Infection So I Told Her To Bake Me Some Bread.

It Used To Be Cars Had Cool Names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now We Have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further Proof That America Has Lost Its Edge.

In Comic Strips, The Person On The Left Always Speaks First.

I Was Surprised When I Started Getting Old. I Always Thought It Was One Of Those Things That Would Happen To Someone Else.

To Me The Cynics Are The Ones In The Boardrooms With The Reports From The Focus Groups.

I Think It Would Be Fair And Right To Use Some Of My Land And Wealth For A Drug-rehab Center Or An Indian School.

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

Flowers Are One Of The Few Things We Buy, Bring Home, Watch Die, And We Don't Ask For Our Money Back.

When I'm Not Actually Doing My Work, I'm Planning It Or Thinking About It Or Reading Things That On Some Level Are Transformed Into Performance Fantasies. I Have No Active Interests.

One Time. In 1965. August, For About An Hour, I Was Both Fine And Dandy At The Same Time. But Nobody Asked Me How I Was.

If You Had Chicken At Lunch And Chicken At Dinner, Do You Ever Wonder If The Two Chickens Knew Each Other?

More People Write Poetry Than Read It.

If You've Got A Cat And A Leg, You've Got A Happy Cat. If You've Got A Cat And Two Legs, You've Got A Party.

At A Formal Dinner Party, The Person Nearest Death Should Always Be Seated Closest To The Bathroom.

The Real Reason That We Can’t Have The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse: You Cannot Post “thou Shalt Not Steal,” “thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” And “thou Shalt Not Lie” In A Building Full Of Lawyers, Judges, And Politicians. It Creates A Hostile Work Environment.

Next Time You See Someone Sleeping, Make Believe You're In A Science Fiction Movie. And Whisper, 'the Creature Is Regenerating Itself.'

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

Sometimes A Fireman Will Go To Great Strenuous Lengths To Save A Raccoon That's Stuck In A Drainpipe And Then Go Out On The Weekend And Kill Several Of Them For Amusement.

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

The Women Who Line Up At A Comic's Dressing-room Door Are Not What You'd Call Your Class Groupies.

The Muslims Observe Their Sabbath On Friday, The Jews Observe On Saturday, And The Christians On Sunday. By The Time Monday Rolls Around God Is Completely F***in' Worn Out.

The Habits Of Liberals, Their Automatic Language, Their Knee-jerk Responses To Certain Issues, Deserved The Epithets The Right Wing Stuck Them With. I'd See How True They Often Were. Here They Were, Banding Together In Packs, So I Could Predict What They Were Going To Say About Some Event Or Conflict And It Wasn't Even Out Of Their Mouths Yet. I Was Very Uncomfortable With That. Liberal Orthodoxy Was As Repugnant To Me As Conservative Orthodoxy.

If You're Looking For Self-help, Why Would You Read A Book Written By Somebody Else?

The Patterns Became Even More Vivid At Cardinal Hayes High School. That's When I Began Failing Subjects And Running Away From Home For Days At A Time.

Sometimes, When I Was Really Loaded, I'd Sit On The Floor And Sort Out Every Nut And Bolt In The House. It Was Just Sheer Insanity. And Often There'd Be Speed In The Cut, So I Was A Speed Freak, Too.

No One Is More Himself Than The Moment When He's Laughing At A Joke. It's At Those Moments That People's Defenses Go Down, And That's When You Can Slip In A Good Idea.

Jesus Was A Cross-dresser.

Give Now. Somewhere, Someone Feels Crappy. You Can Help.

I Think We Overrate Ourselves In Terms Of Our Abilities And Capacities. I Mean, Just Because You Can Build A Really Swell Bridge Doesn't, To My Way Of Thinking, Mean That You're An Advanced Civilization.

Not Only Do I Not Know What's Going On, I Wouldn't Know What To Do About It If I Did.

I Have This Real Moron Thing I Do? It's Called Thinking.

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

An Art Thief Is A Man Who Takes Pictures.

The Child Molester Skipped Breakfast, But Said He'd Grab A Little Something On The Way To Work.

It's Way Beyond Ironic That A Place Called The Holy Land Is The Location Of The Fiercest, Most Deeply Felt Hatred In The World. And It Makes For Wonderful Theater.

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

As It Stands Right Now, I Lead Richard Pryor In Heart Attacks, Two To One. However, Richard Still Leads Me, One To Nothing, In Burning Yourself Up.

In The Doggie Dictionary, Under "bow Wow" It Says, "see "arf Arf.""

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

Religion Cruelly Exploits Our Need To Feel Connected.

Energy Experts Have Announced The Development Of A New Fuel Made From Human Brain Tissue. It's Called Assohol.

The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

I Wanted To Get A Job As A Gynecologist, But I Couldn't Find An Opening.

Soft Rock Music Isn't Rock, And It Ain't Music. It's Just Soft. Reminds Me Of Something My Third-grade Teacher Said To Us. She Said, "you Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala."

I Try Not To See New Comics - Their Acts Or Their Films. Part Of That Is Professional. I Don't Want To Be Influenced. But Another Part Is Fear And Jealousy. I'm Afraid To See How Good They Might Be. I Don't Like That Emotion, But It's Part Of Me.

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Surround Yourself

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

When You Visualize The Recent Past, Do You See It As Being Somewhere Over On The Left?

A Dog Has No Shame. If He Can Do It, You Can Watch.

Catholic School Gave Me The Tools To Reject The Very Religion They Wanted Me To Have. They Taught Me How To Think For Myself And To Be Independent.

Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

None Of The Christian Religions Do [interest Me]. They're All Outer-directed.

In The 'bullshit Department' A Businessman Can't Hold A Candle To A Clergyman.

My Father? My Father Left When I Was Quite Young. Well Actually, He Was Asked To Leave. He Had Trouble Metabolizing Alcohol.

Medical Researchers Have Discovered A New Disease That Has No Symptoms. It Is Impossible To Detect, And There Is No Known Cure. Fortunately, No Cases Have Been Reported Thus Far.

Personally, When It Comes To Rights, I Think One Of Two Things Is True. I Think Either We Have Unlimited Rights, Or We Have No Rights At All. Personally I Lean Towards Unlimited Rights, I Feel For Instance I Have The Right To Do Anything I Please, But! If I Do Something You Don't Like I Think You Have The Right To Kill Me.

I Make Fun Of People Who Are Religious, Because They're Fundamentally Weak.

Everyone Should Try To Scratch Their Name On The Bomb Of Life.

We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

Tits Always Look Better In A Pink Sweater.

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

To My Way Of Thinking, There Is Every Bit As Much Evidence For The Existence Of Ufos As There Is For The Existence Of God. Probably Far More. At Least In The Case Of Ufos There Have Been Countless Taped And Filmed And, By The Way, Unexplained Sightings From All Over The World, Along With Documented Radar Evidence Seen By Experienced Military And Civilian Radar Operators.>>.

No One Has To Come See My Shows Who Doesn't Like Me Talking About White Christians. They Are Free Not Buy A Ticket. They're Free To Leave At Any Time. So I'm Not Imposing Anything On Anyone. Therefore I Feel Free To Cross The Line.

Grass [marijuana] Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer. When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are. But, On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

"no Comment" Is A Comment.

Boxing Is A More Sophisticated Form Of Hockey.

The Day After Tomorrow Is The Third Day Of The Rest Of Your Life.

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

It Was The Typical Paranoid Experience [to Hide Coke]. As Soon As I Knew My Hiding Place, I Thought The Whole World Knew It. I'd Write Clues To My Hiding Places In Code, Then Forget The Code And Spend The Rest Of The Day Looking For My Coke.

If You You Think There Is A Solution, You're Part Of The Problem.

My First Rule: I Don't Believe Anything The Government Tells Me.

I'm Not Collegial, I Don't Hang Out. I'm Soloist, I Like My Solitude, I Don't Really Hang Around With Comedians.

When It Comes To God's Existence, I'm Not An Atheist And I'm Not Agnostic. I'm An Acrostic. The Whole Thing Puzzles Me.

A Flag Is Supposed To Represent Everything That A Country Does. It Doesn't Only Represent The Good Things. If You Burn The Flag, You're Burning The Flag For What You Perceive To Be The Bad Things The Country Has Done. It's Only A Symbol. It's Only A Piece Of Cloth.

Cherish Your Health: If It Is Good, Preserve It. If It Is Unstable, Improve It. If It Is Beyond What You Can Improve, Get Help.

It's The Old American Double Standard, Ya Know: Say One Thing, Do Somethin' Different. And Of Course This Country Is Founded On The Double Standard. That's Our History. We Were Founded On A Very Basic Double Standard: This Country Was Founded By Slave Owners Who Wanted To Be Free.

Religion Is A Self-conferred Intellectual Decision; It's Not Something You Get At Birth And Is Unchangeable. You're Collusive With The Religion When You Accept It; You Have A Choice.

Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

The Older I Got, The More Apparent It Became That My Mother Was Losing Control Over Me. She Fought Back Fiercely With Black Moods, Silent Treatments And Martyrdom. And, Of Course, All She Did Was Run My Ass Out Of The House Even Quicker. The Pressure Was Unbearable.

The Christians Gave Him Sunday, The Jews Gave Him Saturday, And The Muslims Gave Him Friday. God Has A Three-day Weekend.

[on School Uniforms] Don't These Schools Do Enough Damage Making All These Kids Think Alike, Now They Have To Make Them Look Alike Too? It's Not A New Idea, Either. I First Saw It In Old Newsreels From The 1930s, But It Was Hard To Understand Because The Narration Was In German.

Why Do 'slow Down' And 'slow Up' Mean The Same Thing? Why Is The Third Hand On The Watch Called The Second Hand?

If God Created Everything, He's Got A Serious Quality Control Problem.

Why Are A 'wise Man' And A 'wiseguy' Opposites?

There's A Humorous Side To Every Situation. The Challenge Is To Find It.

And Speaking Of Sex, The Immaculate Conception Does Not Mean Jesus Was Conceived In The Absence Of Sex. It Means Mary Was Conceived Without Original Sin. That's All It Has Ever Meant. And According To The Tabloids, Mary Is Apparently The Only One Who Can Make Such A Claim. The Jesus Thing Is Called Virgin Birth.

I'll Bet There Aren't Too Many People Hooked On Crack Who Can Play The Bagpipes.

I Don`t Understand A Belief That There Is An Invisible Being In The Sky Who Watches Over Us All The Time And Keeps Score And Who Throws You In A Burning Pit. I Think That's Very Limiting, Very Antihuman. It's The Way They Devised For Helping To Control People Because If They Can Make You Believe In An Invisible Man Who's Going To Hurt You Later, They Can Make You Believe Anything!

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

So I Want To Thank The Pentagon, The Soviet Union And The Military-industrial Complex From The Bottom Of My Heart. Without Them, I Could Never Have Become The Man I Am Today.

What Do Dogs Do On Their Day Off?; Can't Lie Around – That's Their Job!

We Will Never Be An Advanced Civilization As Long As Rain Showers Can Delay The Launching Of A Space Rocket.

Conservatives Say If You Don't Give The Rich More Money, They Will Lose Their Incentive To Invest. As For The Poor, They Tell Us They've Lost All Incentive Because We've Given Them Too Much Money.

There May Or May Not Be Atheists In Foxholes, But I'm Certain There Are None In The Ku Klux Klan.

Griddle Cakes, Pancakes, Hot Cakes, Flapjacks: Why Are There Four Names For Grilled Batter And Only One Word For Love?

Let's Suppose We All Just Materialized On Earth And There Was A Bunch Of Potatoes On The Ground, Okay? There's Just Six Of Us. Only Six Humans. We Come Into A Clearing And There's Potatoes On The Ground. Now, My Instinct Would Be, Let's Everybody Get Some Potatoes. "everybody Got A Potato? Joey Didn't Get A Potato! He's Small, He Can't Hold As Many Potatoes. Give Joey Some Of Your Potatoes." "no, These Are My Potatoes!" That's The Republicans. "i Collected More Of Them, I Got A Bigger Pile Of Potatoes, They're Mine. If You Want Some Of Them, You're Going To Have To Give Me Something."

Baseball Is The Only Major Sport That Appears Backwards In A Mirror.

Valentine's Day Is Devoted To Love. Why Don't We Have A Day Devoted To Hatred? The Raw, Visceral Hatred That Is Felt Every Hour Of The Day By Ordinary People, But Is Repressed For Reasons Of Social Order. I Think It Would Be Very Cathartic, And It Would Certainly Make For An Exciting Six O'clock News.

The Next Time A Prostitute Solicits Your Business, Ask For The Clergyman's Rate.

I'm Offering A Special Prize For The First Buick On The Moon.

The Caterpillar Does All The Work, But The Butterfly Gets All The Publicity.

Heart Disease Has Changed My Eating Habits, But I Still Cook Bacon For The Smell.

Environmentalists Changed The Word Jungle To Rain Forest, Because No One Would Give Them Money To Save A Jungle. Same With Swamps And Wetlands.

People Say Life Begins At Conception, I Say Life Began About A Billion Years Ago And It's A Continuous Process.

Can Placebos Cause Side Effects? If So, Are The Side Effects Real?

When I Was A Kid, If A Guy Got Killed In A Western Movie I Always Wondered Who Got His Horse.

Comedy Is A Socially Acceptable Form Of Hostility And Aggression. That Is What Comics Do, Stand The World Upside Down.

When I Was In Seventh Grade, I Was Caught Stealing Money From The Visiting Team's Locker Room During A Basketball Game. So I Was Sent To The Brothers. That's What They Called This Parochial School Up In Goshen, New York. I Was Supposed To Get Closer Supervision There And More "masculine Influence," Whatever That Means. But I Was Thrown Out For Telling A Couple Of Really Lame Kids On The Playground That I Had Heroin.

The Whole Idea Of The Pursuit Of Goods And Possessions Has Completely Corrupted The Human Experience, Along With Religion, Which I Think Limits The Intellect.

Did You Ever Stop To Thnk About All The People We Kill? They're Always People Who Tell Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They All Said: 'try To Live Together Peacefully.' Bam! Right In The F--in Head! Aparently We're Not Ready For That!

I Went To George Washington High School For Six Months Before My 16th Birthday, When I Could Legally Quit. That Was An Even Worse Experience Than The Catholic Schools. I Mean, They Were Still Teaching Fractions. But Mostly, I Played Hooky.

I Recently Bought A Book Of Free Verse. For Twelve Dollars.

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark. Continued Dark Overnight, With Widely Scattered Light By Morning.

Trending Author

Vladimir Nabokov

Category