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I Think Religion Is Very Anti-man. I Think It's A Terrible Distortion And Exploitation Of A Very Natural Urge Every Human Has - To Be Rejoined With The One Somehow, To Become A Part Of The Universe. Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

-George Carlin

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I Think Religion Is

George Carlin

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I Think Religion Is Very Anti-man. I Think It's A Terrible Distortion And Exploitation Of A Very Natural Urge Every Human Has - To Be Rejoined With The One Somehow, To Become A Part Of The Universe. Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

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We're Not Supposed To Mention F***ing In Mixed Company, But That's Exactly Where It Takes Place.

Religion Is The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Mankind - The Ironic Part Is That It's Presented As A Good Thing, And Its Effect Is Absolutely Catastrophic To Individuals And To Societies.

I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

I Like Florida. Everything Is In The 80s. The Temperatures, The Ages And The Iq's.

Well, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime And Fire Fighters Fight Fire, What Do Freedom Fighters Fight?

I Think It Would Be Fair And Right To Use Some Of My Land And Wealth For A Drug-rehab Center Or An Indian School.

We Think In Language. We Think In Words. Language Is The Landscape Of Thought.

And, Of Course, The Funniest Food Of All, Kumquats.

Your Home Is Your Refuge.

Sometimes A Fireman Will Go To Great Strenuous Lengths To Save A Raccoon That's Stuck In A Drainpipe And Then Go Out On The Weekend And Kill Several Of Them For Amusement.

Somebody Once Said That Hollywood Is Based On A Lot Of Producers Deliberately Making Bad Movies, And Every Now And Then Somebody Gets Lucky.

When You Visualize The Recent Past, Do You See It As Being Somewhere Over On The Left?

I Think We Overrate Ourselves In Terms Of Our Abilities And Capacities. I Mean, Just Because You Can Build A Really Swell Bridge Doesn't, To My Way Of Thinking, Mean That You're An Advanced Civilization.

Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?

President George Bush Declared A National Day Of Prayer For Peace. This Was After He Had Carefully Arranged And Started The War.

If Honesty Were Suddenly Introduced Into American Life, The Whole System Would Collapse.

I Do Something About The Weather. I Stay Home.

Sometimes When I'm Told To Use My Own Discretion, If No One Is Looking I'll Use Someone Else's. But I Always Put It Back.

Children Should Be Taught To Question Everything . . . Everything They Read And Everything They Hear.

The Straightest Line Between A Straight Distance Is Two Points.

War Is Rich Old Men Protecting Their Property By Sending Middle Class And Lower Class Young Men Off To Die. It Always Has Been.

Soft Rock Music Isn't Rock, And It Ain't Music. It's Just Soft. Reminds Me Of Something My Third-grade Teacher Said To Us. She Said, "you Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala."

Comedy, I Figured, Was The Thing That Came To Me The Most Easily. Playing The Trumpet And Piano Took Practice. I Thought That Was A Waste Of Time. I'd Go Out On The Street Corner And Be Funny. In A Minute.

When I Ask How Old Your Toddler Is, I Don't Need To Hear '27 Months.' 'he's Two' Will Do Just Fine. He's Not A Cheese. And I Didn't Really Care In The First Place.

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark. Continued Dark Overnight, With Widely Scattered Light By Morning.

Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

I Was A Stonehead For 30 Years. I'd Wake Up In The Morning And If I Couldn't Decide Whether I Wanted A Joint Or Not, I'd Smoke A Joint To Figure It Out. And I Stayed High All Day Long.

Let Me Get A Sip Of Water Here... You Figure This Stuff Is Safe To Drink? Actually, I Don't Care, I Drink It Anyway. You Know Why? Because I'm An American And I Expect A Little Cancer In My Food And Water. I'm A Loyal American And I'm Not Happy Unless I Let Government And Industry Poison Me A Little Bit Every Day.

Suppose I Could Shoot Myself In The Mouth, But What If I Miss? People Will Laugh At Me.

If The #2 Pencil Is The Most Popular, Why Is It Still #2?

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

I Was A Class Clown, Of The Classic Term For It. I Would Get The Work Done Easily, And Then I Would Try To Deprive Other People Of Their Educations. I Developed Skills For Mimicry, And I Was A Good Showoff. I Knew How To Get Attention, And I Knew How To Do It In A Positive Funny Way.

In Hawaii They Say, "aloha." That's A Nice One, It Means Both "hello" And "good-bye" Which Just Goes To Show, If You Spend Enough Time In The Sun You Don't Know Whether You're Coming Or Going.

Scientists Announced Today That They Have Discovered A Cure For Apathy. However, They Claim No One Has Shown The Slightest Interest In It.

I Knew A Transsexual Guy Whose Only Ambition Is To Eat, Drink, And Be Mary.

If You Had Chicken At Lunch And Chicken At Dinner, Do You Ever Wonder If The Two Chickens Knew Each Other?

It's The American View That Everything Has To Keep Climbing: Productivity, Profits, Even Comedy.

I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream. So There Is Some Compulsion Involved. But The Dividend I Get Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't.

There's Some Invisible Guy, Up In The Sky, Who Can Kill You, Because He Loves You.

Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

People Are Wonderful. I Love Individuals. I Hate Groups Of People. I Hate A Group Of People With A 'common Purpose'. 'cause Pretty Soon They Have Little Hats. And Armbands. And Fight Songs. And A List Of People They're Going To Visit At 3am. So, I Dislike And Despise Groups Of People But I Love Individuals. Every Person You Look At; You Can See The Universe In Their Eyes, If You're Really Looking.

The Things They Don't Tell You In Schools These Days, Geez. Have A Look At Your Owners. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice; You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything.

'i Am' Is Reportedly The Shortest Sentence In The English Language. Could It Be That 'i Do' Is The Longest Sentence?

You Know Who Would Make An Interesting Murder-suicide? Madeline Albright And Yanni.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment.

I Had No Shoes, And I Felt Sorry For Myself Until I Met A Man Who Had No Feet. I Took His Shoes. Now I Feel Better.

The Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I'm The Only One Whose Answers I Accept.

Ah, To Be A Bird. To Fly The Skies, Sing My Song, And Best Of All Occasionally Peck Someone's Eyes Out.

So I Say, “live And Let Live.” That’s My Motto. “live And Let Live.” And Anyone Who Can’t Go Along With That, Take Him Outside And Shoot The Motherfucker. It’s A Simple Philosophy, But It’s Always Worked In Our Family.

When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are.

Religion - Religion, At Best - At Best - Is Like A Lift In Your Shoe. If You Need It For A While, And It Makes You Walk Straight And Feel Better - Fine. But You Don't Need It Forever, Or You Can Become Permanently Disabled. Religion Is Like A Lift In The Shoe, And I Say Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes. And Let's Not Go Down And Nail Lifts Onto The Natives' Feet.

I'm Not In Show Business Because I Don't Have To Go To The Meetings, I'm Just Not A Part Of It, I Don't Belong To It. When You "belong" To Something. You Want To Think About That Word, "belong." People Should Think About That: It Means They Own You. If You Belong To Something It Owns You, And I Just Don't Care For That. I Like Spinning Out Here Like One Of Those Subatomic Particles That They Can't Quite Pin Down.

With Humans It's Abortion, But With Chickens It's An Omelet.

If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.

Comedy Is Grievances. It's A Recitation Of Grievances - Whether They're Inconsequential, Superficial - Like "my Wife Shops Too Much", Or "kids Today", All Those Old-fashioned Themes - Or, If It's Deeper, And Somewhat More Thoughtful, About Social Imbalance And Inequities, And The Folly Of Human Behavior. It's Usually A Complaint.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

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Abraham Maslow Said That The Fully Realized Person Transcends His Local Group And Identifies With The Species. But The Election Of Ronald Reagan Might've Been The Beginning Of My Giving Up On My Species. Because It Was Absurd. To This Day It Remains Absurd. More Than Absurd, It Was Frightening: It Represented The Rise To Supremacy Of Darkness, The Ascendancy Of Ignorance.

And Although I Broke A Lot Of Laws As A Teenager, I Straightened Out Immediately Upon Turning Eighteen, When I Realized The State Had A Legal Right To Execute Me.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

At 68 I'm Every Age I Ever Was. I Always Think Of That. I'm Not Just 68. I'm Also 55 And 21 And Three. Oh Especially Three.

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

When You Step On The Brakes Your Life Is In Your Foot's Hands.

Professional Soldiers Are People Who Die For A Living.

As Far As I'm Concerned, Humans Have Not Yet Come Up With A Belief That's Worth Believing.

We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

The Iq And The Life Expectancy Of The Average American Recently Passed Each Other In Opposite Directions.

I Make Fun Of People Who Are Religious, Because They're Fundamentally Weak.

When You're Born You Get A Ticket To The Freak Show. When You're Born In America, You Get A Front Row Seat.

O. J. Simpson Has Already Received The Ultimate Punishment: For The Rest Of His Life He Has To Associate With Golfers.

People Say Life Begins At Conception, I Say Life Began About A Billion Years Ago And It's A Continuous Process.

The Secretiveness. The Stealth. Those Were Obviously The Aspects Of Cocaine Use I Was Addicted To.

Do You Realize That The Only Time In Our Lives When We Like To Get Old Is When We're Kids? If You're Less Than 10 Years Old, You're So Excited About Aging That You Think In Fractions.

Christian Deodorant: "thou Shalt Not Smell"

Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

An Outsider Longing To Be On The Inside Is The Same As The Soloist Longing To Work In An Ensemble. I Get Great Satisfaction In Being A Part Of The Proper - For Me - Community. I'm Uncomfortable With Various Social Groupings And Clusterings. But When I'm In The Right Group, Doing The Right Thing, I Get As Much Satisfaction Out Of That As Anyone Who Does It All The Time.

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

When I Was A Kid, If A Guy Got Killed In A Western Movie I Always Wondered Who Got His Horse.

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

I Do This Real Moron Thing, And It's Called Thinking. And Apparently I'm Not A Very Good American Because I Like To Form My Own Opinions.

Why Do 'slow Down' And 'slow Up' Mean The Same Thing? Why Is The Third Hand On The Watch Called The Second Hand?

Before They Give You A Lethal Injection, They Swab Your Arm With Alcohol. It's True. Well, They Don't Want You To Get An Infection, And You Can See Their Point. They Don't Want Some Guy Go To Hell And Be Sick.

One Of The First Things They Teach You In Driver's Ed Is Where To Put Your Hands On The Steering Wheel. They Tell You Put 'em At Ten O'clock And Two O' Clock. Never Mind That . I Put Mine At 9:45 And 2:17. Gives Me An Extra Half Hour To Get Where I'm Goin'.

Cigarette Companies Market Heavily To Young People. They Need Young Customers Because Their Product Kills The Older Ones. It Is The Only Product That, If Used As Intended, Kills The Consumer.

I Was Surprised When I Started Getting Old. I Always Thought It Was One Of Those Things That Would Happen To Someone Else.

The Highly Motivated People In Society Are The Ones Causing All The Trouble. It's Not The Lazy Unmotivated Folks Sitting In Front Of A Tv Eating Potato Chips Who Bother Anyone.

Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella, And You'll End Up With A Face Full Of Rain.

No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage.

I Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.

I Went To George Washington High School For Six Months Before My 16th Birthday, When I Could Legally Quit. That Was An Even Worse Experience Than The Catholic Schools. I Mean, They Were Still Teaching Fractions. But Mostly, I Played Hooky.

I've Never Owned A Telescope, But It's Something I'm Thinking Of Looking Into.

The Safest Place To Be During An Earthquake Would Be In A Stationary Store.

They Mention That It's A Nonstop Flight. Well, I Must Say I Don't Care For That Sort Of Thing. Call Me Old Fashioned, But I Insist That My Flight Stop. Preferably At An Airport.

There Are Only Two Types Of Motorists: The Idiots Who Drive Slower Than Me, And The Lunatics Who Go Faster.

Tits Always Look Better In A Pink Sweater.

Number One, One, One On Wonderful Wino.

Fighting For Peace Is Like Screwing For Virginity.

May The Forces Of Evil Become Confused On The Way To Your House.

Movies And Television Don't Make You Violent; All They Do Is Channel The Violence More Creatively.

The Planet Is Fine. The People Are F****d. Because Everyone Is Trying To Save The Planet. The Planet Doesn’t Need That. The Planet Will Take Care Of Itself. People Are Selfish. And That's What They're Doing Is Trying To Save The Planet For Themselves To Have A Nicer Place To Live.

I Never Eat Sushi. I Have Trouble Eating Things That Are Merely Unconscious.

Some People Have No Idea What They're Doing, And A Lot Of Them Are Really Good At It.

I'm In Shape. Round Is A Shape.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

You Take 5 White Guys And You Take 5 Black Guys And Put Em Together For A Week And What You Won't Have Is 5 Blacks Guys Talking Like, 'golly Gee, We Really Won That Big Basketball Game' But You Will Have 5 White Guys Talking Like 'yo Slick, Whuzzup...we Be Shootin Hoops And Mad Playin, Slammed Those Mofos

I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loath And Despise The Groups They Identify Or Belong To.

I'd Go On Runs [on Cocaine ], Four And Five Days Without Sleep. Then I'd Crash And Sleep About 18 Hours A Day For Seven To Ten Days. Then It Would Take A Few More Weeks To Get Over A Vague Sort Of Depression. Then I'd Be Off On Another Run.

In My Neighborhood - West 121st Street In New York, "white Harlem" - There Were Only Two Drugs: Smack And Marijuana. By The Time I Was 13, Some Friends And I Were Using Marijuana Fairly Regularly. The Reefer Madness Myth Was Still Very Strong Then, But I'd Been Into Jazz And Those Lyrics Included So Many Casual References To Pot That It Was Completely Demystified For Me.

People Who Ask "can I Ask You A Question?" Didn't Really Give Me A Choice, Did Ya There Buddy?

Baseball Begins In The Spring, The Season Of New Life. Football Begins In The Fall, When Everything's Dying.

Regarding The Fitness Craze: America Has Lost Its Soul; Now It's Trying To Save Its Body.

In My Fifth-grade Yearbook - It's Right Up There On The Top Shell - The Last Page Says, "what About Your Future?" And Under My Name, It Says, "when I Grow Up, I Would Like To Be Either An Actor, A Radio Announcer, An Impersonator Or A Comedian."

You Become 21, You Turn 30, Then You're Pushing 40. Whoa! Put On The Brakes, It's All Slipping Away. Before You Know It, You Reach 50 And Your Dreams Are Gone.

If Everything That Ever Lived Is Dead, And Everything Alive Is Gonna Die...where Does The Sacred Part Come In?

I Also Survived Circumcision, A Barbaric Practice Designed To Remind You As Early As Possible That Your Genitals Are Not Your Own.

If The Reason For Climbing Mt. Everest Is That It's Hard To Do, Why Does Everyone Go Up The Easy Side?

Comedy Is A Socially Acceptable Form Of Hostility And Aggression. That Is What Comics Do, Stand The World Upside Down.

The New Testament Is Not New Anymore' It's Thousands Of Years Old. It's Time To Start Calling It The Less Old Testament.

May You All Make It To A Healthy 100 And A Half!!

I Have Lots Of Ideas. Trouble Is, Most Of Them Suck.

Life Is A Near-death Experience.

As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

I Love My Family

I Look At It This Way... For Centuries Now, Man Has Done Everything He Can To Destroy, Defile, And Interfere With Nature: Clear-cutting Forests, Strip-mining Mountains, Poisoning The Atmosphere, Over-fishing The Oceans, Polluting The Rivers And Lakes, Destroying Wetlands And Aquifers... So When Nature Strikes Back, And Smacks Him On The Head And Kicks Him In The Nuts, I Enjoy That. I Have Absolutely No Sympathy For Human Beings Whatsoever. None. And No Matter What Kind Of Problem Humans Are Facing, Whether It's Natural Or Man-made, I Always Hope It Gets Worse.

Someone Said, And Rightfully, That "property Is Theft'." There's No Way A Man Can Stand And Tell Me That He Owns An Apple Tree. I Just Don't Believe You. And So This Pursuit Of Position And Money And Power, They Are All Wrapped Up Into One Package That I Think Is Crippling, Debilitating And Limiting. And Unfortunately, People Get Sucked Into It And Then They've Got You On The Treadmill. You Know: ''you've Got To Have A Good Job'' And "you've Got To Have A Good Education'' - Which Is Another Word For Indoctrination. We're Never Going To Rise Above These Limitations We've Placed On Ourselves.

History Is Not Happenstance: It Is Conspiratorial. Carefully Planned And Executed By People In Power.

I Was Once Dancing With A Woman Who Told Me She Had A Yeast Infection So I Told Her To Bake Me Some Bread.

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So, God? Hey, If You Read History You'll Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death...has Been For Thousands Of Years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, All Taking Turns Killing Each Other Because God Told Them It Was A Good Idea.

Government Want To Tell You Things You Can't Say Because They're Against The Law, Or You Can't Say This Because It's Against A Regulation, Or Here's Something You Can't Say Because Its A... Secret; "you Can't Tell Him That Because He's Not Cleared To Know That." Government Wants To Control Information And Control Language Because That's The Way You Control Thought, And Basically That's The Game They're In.

People Get All Upset About Torture, But When You Get Right Down To It, It's Really A Pretty Good Way Of Finding Out Something A Person Doesn't Want You To Know.

I Say If You're Going To Go For The Angel Bullshit You Might As Well Go For The Zombie Package As Well.

If You Ask Me, We Could Do With A Little Less Motivation. - The People Who Are Causing All The Trouble Seem Highly Motivated To Me. - Serial Killers, Stock Swindlers, Drug Dealers, Christian Republicans.

It Is Impossible For An Abortion Clinic To Have A Waiting List Of More Than Nine Months.

Sometimes, After I'd Gone At The Coke Like One Of Those Snow Plows Moving Up First Avenue, I'd Think My Heart Was Over On The Dresser, Pounding, And I Was Watching It. I Asked Some Of The Doctors Who Drifted Through The Intensive-care Unit What Kind Of Effect Total Cocaine Abuse Has On The Heart And They Said Things Like, "well, There's Not Enough Valid Information...." That Kind Of Answer.

I Feel Sorry For Confetti. Its Useful Life Lasts About Two Seconds. And It Can Never Be Used Again.

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! - I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

Because We Were A Poor Area, The School Had A Small Budget And Was Unable To Teach The Second Half Of The Alphabet.

Regarding Jam Sessions: Jazz Musicians Are The Only Workers I Can Think Of Who Are Willing To Put In A Full Shift For Pay And Then Go Somewhere Else And Continue To Work For Free.

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So? God? Hey, If You Read History, You Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death.

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. [and] I Want To Be Known For What I Do Best.

Hooray For Most Things!

Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism. The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You That Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

In The Navy, There Is No Wrong Hole. In The Marines, There Is Always A Hole.

I Didn't Wash Today. I Wasn't Dirty. If I'm Not Dirty, I Don't Wash. Some Weeks I Don't Have To Shower At All. I Just Groom My Three Basic Areas: Teeth, Hair, And Asshole. And To Save Time, I Use The Same Brush.

Art, Music, And Philosophy Are Merely Poignant Examples Of What We Might Have Been Had Not The Priests And Traders Gotten Hold Of Us.

The Day After Tomorrow Is The Third Day Of The Rest Of Your Life.

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

The Only Good Thing Ever To Come Out Of Religion Was The Music.

For An Entertainer, Part Of The Thing You Do Is Just Style. And The Coke Did Help Me Get Into Great Runs Of Pure Form.

One Of The Interesting Things About "outsidership" Is That Underneath It There's A Longing To Belong. I Just Wish The Thing I Refused To Belong To - The Species, Western Capital Culture - Was A Little More Respectable. My One True Relaxation Is My Flotation Tank, In Which I Can Either Meditate Or Just Drift Off.

People Who Own Everything Know How To Relax A Little And Bend And Exhale Once In A While, But They're Not Going To Let It Get Out Of Control.

[on School Uniforms] Don't These Schools Do Enough Damage Making All These Kids Think Alike, Now They Have To Make Them Look Alike Too? It's Not A New Idea, Either. I First Saw It In Old Newsreels From The 1930s, But It Was Hard To Understand Because The Narration Was In German.

You Can't Be The Fastest Gun In Town Forever. There Comes A Time When You're Not The Golden Boy, And You Have To Go Off Somewhere And Figure Yourself Out.

Surround Yourself With What You Love, Whether It's Family, Pets, Keepsakes, Music, Plants, Hobbies, Whatever.

The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False.

When I Was Young I Used To Read About The Decline Of Western Civilization, And I Decided It Was Something I Would Like To Make A Contribution To.

Life Is Tough, Then You Die.

I Think There's A Little More Attention To Human Needs Than To Property Rights. But I Don't Think Much Of Political Activism. It's So Shortsighted. Most People Are Interested In Their Own Personal Comfort. I've Said That About Environmentalists. I Think They Care About Bike Paths And Places To Park Their Volvos, Not The Planet As An Abstraction.

My Grandfather, Mother And Father Were Gifted Verbally, And My Mother Passed That Along To Me. She Always Made Sure I Was Conscious Of Language And Words.

My Mother And Her Plans For My Future. She Had It All Worked Out. I Would Attend A Nice College, Then Get A Job In Advertising. "you'll Be One Of Those Smart-looking Fellows In Their Madison Avenue Suits." And I Rebelled Against [my Mother] And Her Values And Her Plans For My Future At Every Opportunity.

When You Think About It, Attention-deficit Order Makes A Lot Of Sense. In This Country There Isn't A Lot Worth Paying Attention To.

There Are Battered Husbands. Apparently This Happens When The Woman Is Real Big, The Man Is Very Small, And They Each Drink A Quart Of Whiskey A Day.

There May Or May Not Be Atheists In Foxholes, But I'm Certain There Are None In The Ku Klux Klan.

I Hope I'm Beginning A New Cycle Of Energy And Creativity. If So, It'll Really Be My Third Career. The First Was As A Straight Comic In The Sixties. The Second Was As A Counterculture Performer In The Seventies. The Third Will Be...well, That's For Others To Judge.

Tell The People You Love That You Love Them, At Every Opportunity.

What I Became A Comedian For Was To Get My Art Out. To Get Some Of These Feelings And Things I Had On My Chest Out. I Don't Care If People Believe Them, Listen To Them, Change Their Ways, Or Think, Or Any Of That Kind Of Crap. I'm Interested In Showing Off. I'm The Same Kid From Sixth Grade Who Stood Up And Said "watch This."

Religion Is Sort Of Like A Lift In Your Shoes. If It Makes You Feel Better, Fine. Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes.

You Wouldn't Know It, From Some Of The Things I've Said Over The Years, But I Like People. I Do. I Like People, But I Like Them In Short Bursts. I Don't Like People For Extended Periods Of Time. I'm All Right With Them For A Little While, But Once You Get Up Past Around... A Minute, Minute And A Half, I Gotta Get The Fuck Out Of There.

If Helen Keller Had Psychic Ability, Would You Say She Had A Fourth Sense? What Year Did Jesus Think It Was?

If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?

It Seems To Me Like A Perversion Of Talent For An Artist Of Any Kind To Further The Corporate Structure Of America Or The Personal Interests Of The Morons And Thieves Who Run It.

Dogs Lead A Nice Life. You Never See A Dog With A Wristwatch.

Most People Are Not Particularly Good At Anything.

When You're Born In This World You're Given A Ticket To The Freak Show. And When You're Born In America, You're Given A Front Row Seat. And Some Of Us Get To Sit There With Notebooks.

Sudden Total Weight Loss.

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

Did You Ever Look At Your Watch, And You Look Away... And You Don't Know What Time It Is?

In High School, When I First Heard Of Entropy, I Was Attracted To It Immediately. They Said That In Nature All Systems Are Breaking Down, And I Thought, What A Wonderful Thing; Perhaps I Can Make Some Small Contribution To This Process, Myself.

I Set Out To Become A Comedian, And I Said In Order To Do That The First Thing I'll Do Is Become A Disc Jockey And Know My Pop Music. I Like It, My Voice Is Good, And I Can Start Out Getting Confidence Without An Audience In Front Of Me.

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

The Whole Problem With The World Today: Private Property. If No One Owned Anything, It Would Be A Lot Better. There's Even An Entire Industry Devoted To Keeping An Eye On Other People's Stuff. This Is How Stupid It's Got. If You Decide To Get Rid Of A Lot Of Your Stuff, You Can Give It To A Thrift Shop Or To Goodwill.

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

My Mother And I Had A Lot Of Distance Between Us Emotionally, Although, On The Surface, Most Of The Time, We Appeared Good And Friendly, And All That. But I Was A Problem. I Was A Street Kid.

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.you Have No Choice. You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything. They Own All The Important Land. They Own, And Control The Corporations. They've Long Since Bought, And Paid For The Senate, The Congress, The State Houses, The City Halls, They Got The Judges In Their Back Pockets And They Own All The Big Media Companies, So They Control Just About All Of The News And Information You Get To Hear.

I Went Straight From Shenanigans To Crimes Against Humanity.

It's Legal For Men To Be Floorwalkers And Illegal For Women To Be Streetwalkers.

I Kind Of Like It When A Lot Of People Die, And On The Other Hand I Always Wonder How Many Unused Frequent-flier Miles They Had.

There's A Thing About Cocaine - When I Was Doing It Secretly, It Didn't Make Me Very Sociable. I Forget How Others Were, But It Made Me Very Inner-directed. So Being In A Sketch And Rehearsing And The "hail Fellow Well Met" Camaraderie And All That Stuff, I Couldn't Fake That Or Force That. It Was Painful.

Hard Work Is A Misleading Term. Physical Effort & Long Hours Do Not Constitute Hard Work. Hard Work Is When Someone Pays You To Do Something You'd Rather Not Be Doing. Anytime You'd Rather Be Doing Something Other Than The Thing You're Doing...you're Doing Hard Work.

I Went To My Old School, Where All The Kids I'd Been With For Eight Years Were About To Graduate. But The Sisters Wanted Me To Repeat The Whole Term; So I Went To The Principal And Pleaded With Her To Allow Me To Graduate With My Class. She Finally Agreed On The Condition That I Write The Graduation Play. It Was Called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?catchy Title, Huh?

I Sort Of Gave Up On This Whole Human Adventure A Long Time Ago, Divorced Myself From It Emotionally. It Gives Me An Artistic Detachment That I Find Valuable. I Think The Human Race Has Squandered Its Gift, And I Think This Country Has Squandered Its Promise, For The Sake Of Cell Phones And Jet Skis.

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