There Are An Awful Lot Of Things In The Cut Of Street Drugs That Eventually Make You Sick. I Reached A Point Where The Skin Around The Edges Of My Fingernails Used To Hurt All The Time. And It Would Peel Away Easily. Now, That Must Have Been From Some Poison In The Cut.

-George Carlin

Please Wait....
Translating....

There Are An Awful

George Carlin

Topic

Hurt

Cutting

Sick

More People Write Poetry Than Read It.

Writing

People

I Became A Guy Who Wanted To Be A Comedian Someday, Or A Comic Actor. The Way I Put It Was, I'll Be Like Danny Kaye. He Was Kind Of The Model I Had In Mind.

Guy

Comedian

Mind

Catholic School Gave Me The Tools To Reject The Very Religion They Wanted Me To Have. They Taught Me How To Think For Myself And To Be Independent.

School

Independent

Thinking

I Was A Stonehead For 30 Years. I'd Wake Up In The Morning And If I Couldn't Decide Whether I Wanted A Joint Or Not, I'd Smoke A Joint To Figure It Out. And I Stayed High All Day Long.

Morning

Years

Long

That's Basically What The Drive Is: "i Want To Be Famous, I Want To Be Noticed, And I Want To Be Approved Of." That's Basically What You're After. "give Me Attention, Give Me Applause, Give Me An Audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's All You're Looking For.

Giving

Attention

Want

Hard Work Is For People Short On Talent.

Hard Work

People

Talent

The Christians Are Coming To Get You, And They Are Not Pleasant People.

Christian

People

Pleasant

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist. But I Understand The Word "cynic" Has More Than One Meaning, And I See How I Could Be Seen As Cynical. "george, You're Cynical." Well, You Know, They Say If You Scratch A Cynic You Find A Disappointed Idealist. And Perhaps The Flame Still Flickers A Little, You Know?

Thinking

Cynical

Realist

I've Never Seen A Homeless Guy With A Bottle Of Gatorade.

Stupid

People

Guy

There Are Three Kinds Of People: Those Who Can Count, And Those Who Cannot.

Mathematical Logic

People

Three

They Mention That It's A Nonstop Flight. Well, I Must Say I Don't Care For That Sort Of Thing. Call Me Old Fashioned, But I Insist That My Flight Stop. Preferably At An Airport.

Humorous

Food

Airports

People Always Tell Me "have A Nice Day." Well What If I Don't Want To? What If I Want To Have A Crappy Day?

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

Mother

Moving

Mean

When I Ask How Old Your Toddler Is, I Don't Need To Hear '27 Months.' 'he's Two' Will Do Just Fine. He's Not A Cheese. And I Didn't Really Care In The First Place.

Funny

Baby

Two

The Surgeon General Warned Today That Saliva Causes Stomach Cancer. But Apparently Only When Swallowed In Small Amounts Over A Long Period Of Time.

Cancer

Humorous

Long

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

Stupid

Fighting

Blow

Personally, When It Comes To Rights, I Think One Of Two Things Is True. I Think Either We Have Unlimited Rights, Or We Have No Rights At All. Personally I Lean Towards Unlimited Rights, I Feel For Instance I Have The Right To Do Anything I Please, But! If I Do Something You Don't Like I Think You Have The Right To Kill Me.

Thinking

Rights

Two

I Had Run Away From Home Three Times. I Had Been Kicked Out Of Three Different Schools Under Different Circumstances. I Was Kicked Out Of Everything That I Didn't Quit. Kicked Out Of Schools. Kicked Out Of Summer Camp, The Boy Scouts, The Altar Boys, The Choir, And Something Else That I Can't Think Of, That I'm Proud Of. Anyway, That Was My Pattern. I Just Began To Invent Myself Early In Life, And Went Out And Did Something About It.

Summer

Running

School

Religion Is A Self-conferred Intellectual Decision; It's Not Something You Get At Birth And Is Unchangeable. You're Collusive With The Religion When You Accept It; You Have A Choice.

Self

Choices

Decision

I Would Never Want To Be A Member Of A Group Whose Symbol Was A Guy Nailed To Two Pieces Of Wood.

Atheist

Two

Guy

Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids

Hemorrhoids

You Have To Be Realistic About Terrorism. Certain Groups Of People, Certain Groups, Muslim Fundamentalists, Christian Fundamentalists, Jewish Fundamentalists, And Just Plain Guys From Montana, Are Going To Continue To Make Life In This Country Very Interesting For A Long, Long Time.

Life

Christian

Country

It Ended Suddenly For Brenda, More Slowly For Me. My Runs Began Getting Shorter And Less Pleasurable. I'd Feel Bad After Only One Day, Or Only A Few Hours, Instead Of Four Or Five Days. And I Began To Want To Stop. One Of The Proudest Moments Of My Life Was At A Rock-'n'-roll Theater In New Jersey. A Guy Actually Put Some Coke Under My Nose And I Was Able To Say, "no, Thanks," And Turn My Head Away.

Running

Rocks

Guy

If Drumsticks Are For Playing Drums, You Would Think That Breadsticks Would Be For Playing Bread, Wouldn't You? "would You Like Some Breadsticks?" "no, Thank You, I Don't Play Bread. I Play Drums. Perhaps I'll Have A Drum Roll."

Funny

Humor

Thinking

Save The Trees, Save The Bees, Save The Whales, Save Those Snails.

Whales

Tree

Bees

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

Way

Lasts

Spirituality

One Of The Effects It [cocaine] Had On My Personality - My Moods, My Behaviors - Was That It Inhibited Me A Lot. It Kind Of Took Possibilities Out Of My World, And Made The Focus Of Things Very Narrow.

Focus

Personality

World

'i Am' Is Reportedly The Shortest Sentence In The English Language. Could It Be That 'i Do' Is The Longest Sentence?

Funny

Marriage

Sarcastic

I Actually Was A Writer Who Had The Ability To Perform His Own Work As Opposed To A Comedian Who Wrote His Own Material. So That Really Made Me Happy And Changed My Whole Perspective.

Perspective

Comedian

Made

It's The American View That Everything Has To Keep Climbing: Productivity, Profits, Even Comedy.

Climbing

Views

Comedy

Sex Always Has Consequences. When Hitler's Mother Spread Her Legs That Night, She Effectively Canceled Out The Spreading Of Fifteen To Twenty Million Other Pairs Of Legs.

Mother

Sex

Night

Never Get On An Airplane If The Pilot Is Wearing A Hat That Has More Than Three Pastel Colors.

Airplane

Color

Three

The Coke Made Me Incredibly Horny.

Horny

Coke

Made

There Is A Core Of Loneliness. It's Partly Existential. Secondly, I Was Raised A Loner. My Parents Were Not There. My Father Was Asked To Leave Because He Couldn't Metabolize Ethanol. Actually, My Mother Ran Away With Us When I Was 2 Months Old And My Brother Was 5. Real Dramatic Stuff: Down The Fire Escape, Through Backyards. So, I Sort Of Raised Myself. I Was Alone A Lot And I Invented Myself - I Lived Through The Radio And Through My Imagination.

Mother

Brother

Father

Results Like These [state Of The Earth] Do Not Belong On The Resumé Of A Supreme Being.

Religion

Earth

States

Bullshit Is Truly The American Soundtrack.

Bullshit

Soundtracks

If A Movie Is Described As A Romantic Comedy, You Can Usually Find Me Next Door Playing Pinball.

Stupid

Doors

People

Soft Rock Music Isn't Rock, And It Ain't Music. It's Just Soft. Reminds Me Of Something My Third-grade Teacher Said To Us. She Said, "you Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala."

Teacher

Stupid

Rocks

I Saw Danny Kaye In A Movie, And He Was Doing Voices And Faces On That Big, Big Screen And Making Whole Audiences Laugh. It Was Just An Instant Hookup.

Voice

Laughing

Faces

When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are.

Clever

Kids

Pieces

In Tv Today, You Can Say I Pricked My Finger, But You Can't Say It The Other Way Around.

Funny

Humorous

Today

Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

Stupid

Long

People

Some People Have No Idea What They're Doing, And A Lot Of Them Are Really Good At It.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

You Wouldn't Know It, From Some Of The Things I've Said Over The Years, But I Like People. I Do. I Like People, But I Like Them In Short Bursts. I Don't Like People For Extended Periods Of Time. I'm All Right With Them For A Little While, But Once You Get Up Past Around... A Minute, Minute And A Half, I Gotta Get The Fuck Out Of There.

Past

Years

People

Not Only Do I Not Know What's Going On, I Wouldn't Know What To Do About It If I Did.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

Comedy, I Figured, Was The Thing That Came To Me The Most Easily. Playing The Trumpet And Piano Took Practice. I Thought That Was A Waste Of Time. I'd Go Out On The Street Corner And Be Funny. In A Minute.

Practice

Piano

Waste

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

People

Water

Monsters

Number One, One, One On Wonderful Wino.

Numbers

Wonderful

Winos

When I Listen To Those Tapes Now, The Real Cocaine Shows; There's Just Nothing Special About Their Content.

Real

Special

Tape

When You Step On The Brakes Your Life Is In Your Foot's Hands.

Hands

Feet

Steps

Y'ever Notice How You Never Seem To Get Laid On Thanksgiving? I Think It's Because All The Coats Are On The Bed.

Thinking

Bed

Coats

Christian Deodorant: "thou Shalt Not Smell"

Christian

Humorous

Smell

Heroin, Forget It. In My Neighborhood, I Could See What Heroin Did Firsthand And I Was Definitely Afraid Of That Number.

Numbers

Forget

Heroin

In The Doggie Dictionary, Under "bow Wow" It Says, "see "arf Arf.""

Humorous

Wow

Bows

I Don't Really Identify With America, I Don't Really Feel Like An American Or Part Of The American Experience, And I Don't Really Feel Like A Member Of The Human Race, To Tell You The Truth. I Know I Am, But I Really Don't. All The Definitions Are There, But I Don't Really Feel A Part Of It. I Think I Have Found A Detached Point Of View, An Ideal Emotional Detachment From The American Experience And Culture And The Human Experience And Culture And Human Choices.

Emotional

Thinking

America

Picture Your Grandmother In Hell, Baking Pies... Without An Oven.

Grandmother

Pie

Baking

Tell The People You Love That You Love Them, At Every Opportunity.

Love

Wise

Opportunity

Why Do They Bother With A Suicide Watch When Someone Is On Death Row? "keep An Eye On This Guy. We're Gonna Kill Him, And We Don't Want Him To Hurt Himself."

Suicide

Hurt

Humorous

Do You Think Sammy Davis Ate Junior Mints?

Stupid

Thinking

People

My Mother Didn't Get Home Until About Seven Most Nights And, Yes, There Was A Sense Of Being Very Alone After School. She Gave Me All The Proper Guidance And Influences, But Physically, She Just Couldn't Be There.

Mother

Home

School

Marry An Orphan: You'll Never Have To Spend Boring Holidays With The In-laws.

Holiday

Law

Boring

When You Think About It, 12:15 P.m. Is Actually 11:75 A.m.

Thinking

There Is A Certain Amount Of Righteous Indignation I Hold For The American Culture, Because To Get Back To The Real Root Of It, To Get Broader About It, My Opinion That Is My Species - And My Culture In America Specifically - Have Let Me Down And Betrayed Me. I Think This Species Had Great, Great Promise, With This Great Upper Brain That We Have, And I Think We Squandered It On God And Mammon. And I Think This Culture Of Ours Has Such Promise, With The Promise Of Real, True Freedom, And Then Everyone Has Been Shackled By Ownership And Possessions And Acquisition And Status And Power.

Real

Thinking

Brain

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. [and] I Want To Be Known For What I Do Best.

Believe

Want

Worthwhile

I Went Straight From Shenanigans To Crimes Against Humanity.

Humanity

Shenanigans

Crime

Electricity Is Really Just Organized Lightning.

Funny

Sarcastic

Sarcasm

There's An Idea That The Human Body Is Somehow Evil And Bad And There Are Parts Of It That Are Especially Evil And Bad, And We Should Be Ashamed. Fear, Guilt And Shame Are Built Into The Attitude Toward Sex And The Body. It's Reflected In These Prohibitions And These Taboos That We Have.

Sex

Attitude

Ideas

You Know Something I Could Really Do Without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's Irresponsible. The Last Thing We Should Be Doing Is Sending Our Grotesquely Distorted Dna Out Into Space.

Science

Dna

Space

I Couldn't Commit Suicide If My Life Depended On It.

Suicide

Commit

Ifs

Baseball Is The Only Major Sport That Appears Backwards In A Mirror.

Sports

Baseball

Mirrors

It Used To Be Cars Had Cool Names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now We Have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further Proof That America Has Lost Its Edge.

Funny

Humor

Names

In My Neighborhood - West 121st Street In New York, "white Harlem" - There Were Only Two Drugs: Smack And Marijuana. By The Time I Was 13, Some Friends And I Were Using Marijuana Fairly Regularly. The Reefer Madness Myth Was Still Very Strong Then, But I'd Been Into Jazz And Those Lyrics Included So Many Casual References To Pot That It Was Completely Demystified For Me.

Strong

New York

Marijuana

A Pear Is A Failed Apple.

Humorous

Apples

Pears

People Who See Life As Anything More Than Pure Entertainment Are Missing The Point.

Funny

Life

People

I Can Remember Staring At The Orphanage And Feeling Envy.

Envy

Feelings

Remember

The Two Big Mistakes Were The Belief In A Sky God - That There's A Man In The Sky With 10 Things He Doesn't Want You To Do And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them - And Private Property, Which I Think Is At The Core Of Our Failure As A Species. That's The Source Of My Indignations, My Dissatisfactions, However It Comes Out On The Stage. I Feel Betrayed By The People I'm Part Of, These Creatures, These Magnificent Creatures.

Mistake

Men

Thinking

Did You Ever Look At Your Watch, And You Look Away... And You Don't Know What Time It Is?

Watches

Looks

Knows

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

Children

Thinking

Law

How Can He Be Perfect? Everything He Ever Makes...dies.

Funny

God

Sarcastic

If You Take Five White Guys And Put 'em With Five Black Guys, And Let 'em Hang Around Together For About A Month, And At The End Of The Month, You'll Notice That The White Guys Are Walking And Talking And Standing Like The Black Guys Do. You'll Never See The Black Guys Going, "oh, Golly! We Won The Big Game Today, Yes Sir!" But You'll See Guys With Red Hair Named Duffy Going, "what's Happenin'?"

Philosophy

White

Hair

All Christian Religions Are Outer-directed. "who Can I Convert?" "let's Go To This Country And Make Them Christians." "wear This." "do That." "no, Don't Worship That Way. Worship This Way Or I'll Kill You - For The Good Of Your Soul, Of Course." Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

Christian

Country

Men

Future Historians Will Be Able To Study At The Jimmy Carter Library, The Gerald Ford Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, And The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Library

Adults

Bookstores

Your Home Is Your Refuge.

Home

Refuge

Someone Said, And Rightfully, That "property Is Theft'." There's No Way A Man Can Stand And Tell Me That He Owns An Apple Tree. I Just Don't Believe You. And So This Pursuit Of Position And Money And Power, They Are All Wrapped Up Into One Package That I Think Is Crippling, Debilitating And Limiting. And Unfortunately, People Get Sucked Into It And Then They've Got You On The Treadmill. You Know: ''you've Got To Have A Good Job'' And "you've Got To Have A Good Education'' - Which Is Another Word For Indoctrination. We're Never Going To Rise Above These Limitations We've Placed On Ourselves.

Jobs

Believe

Men

Why Do Overlook And Oversee Mean Opposite Things?

Mean

Opposites

Vision

I've Set My Own Rules To Live By. The First One Is: 'never Believe Anything The Government Says.'

Believe

Government

Rules To Live By

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

Lying

People

Judging

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

Games

Play

Religion

In Football The Object Is For The Quarterback, Also Known As The Field General, To Be On Target With His Aerial Assault, Riddling The Defense By Hitting His Receivers With Deadly Accuracy In Spite Of The Blitz, Even If He Has To Use The Shotgun. With Short Bullet Passes And Long Bombs, He Marches His Troops Into Enemy Territory, Balancing This Aerial Assault With A Sustained Ground Attack That Punches Holes In The Forward Wall Of The Enemy's Defensive Line. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

Sports

Baseball

Football

Sometimes When I'm Told To Use My Own Discretion, If No One Is Looking I'll Use Someone Else's. But I Always Put It Back.

Use

Sometimes

My Own

Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

Wings

Walks

I Think Everyone Should Treat One Another In A Christian Manner. I Will Not, However, Be Responsible For The Consequences.

Christian

Stupid People

Thinking

I Always Have These Little Internal Monologues. You'll Get Used To Them.

If The Cops Didn't See It, I Didn't Do It!

Funny

Stupid

Humor

I Grew Up In New York Wanting To Be Like Those Funny Men In The Movies And On The Radio.

New York

Men

Radio

Primitive Societies, Or Social Groupings, Had Shamans, And Some Of Them Even More Recent In Time. Shamans Were Tricksters. There Was A Tradition Of The Trickster, And The Trickster Was A Clown, A Humorous Fellow. His Task Was To Trick The Gods, To Humor The Gods Into Laughing, So That There Was Access To The Divine - Because Laughter Is A Moment When We Are Completely Ourselves.

Laughter

Humorous

Laughing

I Find That An Entertainer Is Quite Content To Sit Still, And I Think An Artist Always Has A Little Motion, Always Going Somewhere. May Not Know Where It Is, But There Is Some Sort Of Unnamed Destination. There Is Some Pulling, Some Movement. So I Just Found Myself In That Category According To My Own Analysis.

Artist

Thinking

Analysis

In Adolescence You Have To Separate Yourself And Establish Your Identity. So, Being Very Independent Anyway, I Took Charge.

Independent

Identity

Adolescence

Why Doesn't Tarzan Have A Beard

Inspiration

Beard

The Keys To America: The Cross, The Brew, The Dollar, And The Gun.

Gun

Keys

America

If A Pig Loses Its Voice, Is It Disgruntled?

Funny

Humor

Pigs

I'm Not In Show Business Because I Don't Have To Go To The Meetings, I'm Just Not A Part Of It, I Don't Belong To It. When You "belong" To Something. You Want To Think About That Word, "belong." People Should Think About That: It Means They Own You. If You Belong To Something It Owns You, And I Just Don't Care For That. I Like Spinning Out Here Like One Of Those Subatomic Particles That They Can't Quite Pin Down.

Mean

Thinking

People

In Some Hotels They Give You A Little Sewing Kit. You Know What I Do? I Sew The Towels Together. One Time I Sewed A Button On A Lampshade. I Like To Leave A Mark.

Giving

Together

Buttons

It Is Said That Indians Were Sometimes Named For The First Thing They Saw When They Were Born. Makes You Wonder Why There Aren't More Indians Named Hairy Pussy, Doesn't It?

Pussy

Saws

Firsts

Thall Shall Keep Thy Religion To Thy Selves.

Self

The Seven Dwarfs Were Each On Different Little Trips. Happy Was Into Grass And Grass Alone. Happy, That's All He Did. Sleepy Was Into Reds. Grumpy, Too Much Speed. Sneezy Was A Full Blown Coke Freak. Doc Was A Connection. Dopey Was Into Everything. Any Old Orifice Will Do For Dopey. He's Always Got His Arm Out And His Leg Up. And Then, The One We Always Forget, Because He Was Bashful. Bashful Didn't Use Drugs. He Was Paranoid On His Own. Didn't Need Any Help On That Ladder.

Drug

Too Much

Coke

I Tell Ya, If I Hadn't Chosen The Career Of Being A Performer, I Think Linguistics Would Have Been A Natural Area That I'd Have Loved - To Teach It, Probably, Language Has Always Fascinated Me. There's A Genetic Inheritance There A Good Language Gene, Which I Inherited [from My Mother And Grandfather] And She Fostered That In Me As He Fostered That In Her.

Mother

Thinking

Careers

As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

Stars

House

I Love My Family

If I Ever Lose My Mind I Hope Some Honest Person Will Find It And Take It To Lost And Found.

Humorous

Mind

Honest

Cloud Nine Gets All The Publicity, But Cloud Eight Actually Is Cheaper, Less Crowded, And Has A Better View.

Philosophy

Clouds

Eight

The Phrase Surgical Strike Might Be More Acceptable If It Were Common Practice To Perform Surgery With High Explosives.

Practice

Phrases

Might

Intelligence Tests Are Biased Toward The Literate.

Funny

Humor

Tests

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

Nuts

Records

Afternoon

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

School

Hygiene

Jersey

I Don't Like To Think Of Laws As Rules You Have To Follow, But More As Suggestions.

Stupid

Thinking

Law

Here's A Bumper Sticker I'd Like To See... 'we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who Has Resisted His Teacher's Attempts To Bend Him To The Will Of His Corporate Masters'.

Teacher

Children

Parent

When I Was A Kid, If A Guy Got Killed In A Western Movie I Always Wondered Who Got His Horse.

Movie

Horse

Kids

As Far As I'm Concerned, Humans Have Not Yet Come Up With A Belief That's Worth Believing.

Humorous

Believe

Belief

Singing Is Basically A Form Of Pleasant, Controlled Screaming.

Singing

Form

Pleasant

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

People

Interesting

Trying

So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Been.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

Hooray For Most Things!

Stupid

Stupid People

People

I Don't Have A Fear Of Heights. I Do, However, Have A Fear Of Falling From Heights.

Stupid

Humorous

Fall

If You've Got A Cat And A Leg, You've Got A Happy Cat. If You've Got A Cat And Two Legs, You've Got A Party.

Stupid

Party

Cat

History Is Not Happenstance: It Is Conspiratorial. Carefully Planned And Executed By People In Power.

People

Happenstance

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

Smart

School

Careers

No Matter How You Care To Define It, I Do Not Identify With The Local Group. Planet, Species, Race, Nation, State, Religion, Party, Union, Club, Association, Neighborhood Improvement Committee; I Have No Interest In Any Of It. I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loathe And Despise The Groups They Identify With And Belong To.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

I Credit That Eight Years Of Grammar School With Nourishing Me In A Direction Where I Could Trust Myself And Trust My Instincts. They Gave Me The Tools To Reject My Faith. They Taught Me To Question And Think For Myself And To Believe In My Instincts To Such An Extent That I Just Said, "this Is A Wonderful Fairy Tale They Have Going Here, But It's Not For Me."

Believe

School

Thinking

When I First Heard The Song Don't Worry - Be Happy I Realized It Was Exactly The Kind Of Mindless Philosophy That Americans Would Respond To. It Would Make A Great National Anthem Along With Me First.

Song

Philosophy

Worry

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded.

America

Usual

Buying

As Soon As Someone Is Identified As An Unsung Hero, He No Longer Is.

Stupid

Humorous

Hero

Does Killing Time Damage Eternity?

Doe

Damage

Killing

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

Book

Technology

Hbo

There Is Nothing Wrong With The Planet. The Planet Is Fine ... Been Here 4 1/2 Billion Years. We've Been Here, What, A 100,000 Years, Maybe 200,000. And We've Only Been Engaged In Heavy Industry A Little Over 200 Years. 200 Years Versus 4 1/2 Billion. And We Have The Conceit To Think That Somehow We're A Threat? The Planet Isn't Going Away. We Are.

Thinking

Years

Going Away

I Set Out To Become A Comedian, And I Said In Order To Do That The First Thing I'll Do Is Become A Disc Jockey And Know My Pop Music. I Like It, My Voice Is Good, And I Can Start Out Getting Confidence Without An Audience In Front Of Me.

Order

Voice

Comedian

I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

Thinking

Speak

Unsaid

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

Nice

Persons

Ifs

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

Anniversary

Firsts

Succeed

When You Look At The Average American You Realize There's Nothing Nature Enjoys More Than A Good Joke.

Humorous

Average

Looks

Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

Fighting For Peace Is Like Screwing For Virginity.

Funny

Witty

Peace

Cigarette Companies Market Heavily To Young People. They Need Young Customers Because Their Product Kills The Older Ones. It Is The Only Product That, If Used As Intended, Kills The Consumer.

Funny

Humorous

People

When You're Born In This World You're Given A Ticket To The Freak Show. And When You're Born In America, You're Given A Front Row Seat. And Some Of Us Get To Sit There With Notebooks.

Notebook

America

World

I Wanted To Get A Job As A Gynecologist, But I Couldn't Find An Opening.

Jobs

Gynecologists

Opening

By The Next One [albom],occupation: Foole, I Was Right Back Into The Trip Again. I'm More Frantic, More Breathless. You Can Hear How Sick I Am. If You Want To See A Cokehead, Just Look At The Pictures On The Occupation: Foole Album.

Sick

Albums

Looks

I Just Love It When I Hear A Little Commotion, Someone Leaving. When I See Those Doors In The Back . . .

Doors

Leaving

Littles

The Mayfly Lives Only One Day. And Sometimes It Rains.

Humorous

Rain

One Day

Comedy Is Grievances. It's A Recitation Of Grievances - Whether They're Inconsequential, Superficial - Like "my Wife Shops Too Much", Or "kids Today", All Those Old-fashioned Themes - Or, If It's Deeper, And Somewhat More Thoughtful, About Social Imbalance And Inequities, And The Folly Of Human Behavior. It's Usually A Complaint.

Kids

Thoughtful

Wife

Here's A Phrase That Apparently The Airlines Simply Made Up: Near Miss. They Say That If 2 Planes Almost Collide, It's A Near Miss. Bullshit, My Friend. It's A Near Hit! A Collision Is A Near Miss. [wham! Crunch!] "look, They Nearly Missed!" "yes, But Not Quite.

Bullshit

Missing

Looks

It's Depressing To See Blacks Wanting To Dive Into The Mainstream Of American Commercial Life. They Come From A Magnificent African Culture Based On Aesthetics, And They All Want To Become Fort Builders Like The Vicious People Who Originally Enslaved Them.

Depressing

People

Culture

I Use The Word 'fat'. I Use That Word Because That's What People Are: They're Fat. They're Not Bulky; They're Not Large, Chunky, Hefty Or Plump. And They're Not Big-boned. Dinosaurs Were Big-boned. These People Are Not Overweight: This Term Somehow Implies There Is Some Correct Weight... There Is No Correct Weight. Heavy Is Also A Misleading Term. An Aircraft Carrier Is Heavy; It's Not Fat. Only People Are Fat, And That's What Fat People Are! They're Fat !

Food

People

Use

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

Dream

Order

Two

The Human Species Could Have Been Great But Instead We Became Satisfied With Lights On Our Tennis Shoes.

Light

Shoes

Tennis

Dusting Is A Good Example Of The Futility Of Trying To Put Things Right. As Soon As You Dust, The Fact Of Your Next Dusting Has Already Been Established.

Futility Of Life

Dust

Trying

Capitalism Tries For A Delicate Balance: It Attempts To Work Things Out So That Everyone Gets Just Enough Stuff To Keep Them From Getting Violent And Trying To Take Other People’s Stuff.

Philosophy

Stupid People

Balance

Test Of Metal: Will Of Iron, Nerves Of Steel, Heart Of Gold, Balls Of Brass.

Heart

Iron

Gold

Language Is The Most Elementary Aspect To Our Humanness, Probably. In Addition To That, It's The Embodiment, It's The Apotheosis Of The Human Experience, It's The Way We Summarize Ourselves.

Embodiment

Way

Apotheosis

Suddenly, I Was Thirty, Very Unhappy Entertaining People In Their Forties, And Here Came A Group Of People In Their Teens And Twenties Who Had Similar Anti-authority Problems And Similar Dreams And Wishes, Hopes For Mankind. So I Gravitated Toward Them.

Dream

People

Wish

Some National Parks Have Long Waiting Lists For Camping Reservations. When You Have To Wait A Year To Sleep Next To A Tree, Something Is Wrong.

Fun

Sleep

Years

It's Harder To Be Funny From The Position Of Power.

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

Voting

Would Be

Illegal

I'm A Believer That Things Happen. Fate Is What Happens.

Fate

Believer

Happens

You're All Going To Die. I Hate To Remind You, But It Is On Your Schedule. It Probably Won't Happen When You'd Like; Generally, It's An Inconvenience.

Hate

Humorous

Schedules

The Only Person Who Is With Us Our Entire Life, Is Ourselves.

Life Is

Staying Young

Persons

Why Do They Bother Saying "raw Sewage"? Do Some People Actually Cook That Stuff?

Humorous

People

Stuff

I Was Surprised When I Started Getting Old. I Always Thought It Was One Of Those Things That Would Happen To Someone Else.

Happens

Getting Old

It Was The Typical Paranoid Experience [to Hide Coke]. As Soon As I Knew My Hiding Place, I Thought The Whole World Knew It. I'd Write Clues To My Hiding Places In Code, Then Forget The Code And Spend The Rest Of The Day Looking For My Coke.

Writing

Coke

Typical

Hallucinogens Are A Value Changer...like It Or Not, It Changes Your Values, It Opens Up Windows (doors Of Perception.)

Doors

Perception

Hallucinogens

A Woman Told Me Her Child Was Autistic, And I Thought She Said Artistic. So I Said, 'oh Great. I'd Like To See Some Of The Things He's Done.

Children

Done

Artistic

In Terms Of Coke, The Only Money I Ever Thought About Was That Dollar Bill I Had Stuck Up My Nose.

Dollar Bills

Dollars

Noses

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

Thinking

Trying

Barbarism

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So, God? Hey, If You Read History You'll Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death...has Been For Thousands Of Years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, All Taking Turns Killing Each Other Because God Told Them It Was A Good Idea.

Christian

Years

Ideas

You Become 21, You Turn 30, Then You're Pushing 40. Whoa! Put On The Brakes, It's All Slipping Away. Before You Know It, You Reach 50 And Your Dreams Are Gone.

Dream

Gone

Pushing

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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