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I Tell Ya, If I Hadn't Chosen The Career Of Being A Performer, I Think Linguistics Would Have Been A Natural Area That I'd Have Loved - To Teach It, Probably, Language Has Always Fascinated Me. There's A Genetic Inheritance There A Good Language Gene, Which I Inherited [from My Mother And Grandfather] And She Fostered That In Me As He Fostered That In Her.

-George Carlin

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I Tell Ya, If

George Carlin

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I Tell Ya, If I Hadn't Chosen The Career Of Being A Performer, I Think Linguistics Would Have Been A Natural Area That I'd Have Loved - To Teach It, Probably, Language Has Always Fascinated Me. There's A Genetic Inheritance There A Good Language Gene, Which I Inherited [from My Mother And Grandfather] And She Fostered That In Me As He Fostered That In Her.

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It's Depressing To See Blacks Wanting To Dive Into The Mainstream Of American Commercial Life. They Come From A Magnificent African Culture Based On Aesthetics, And They All Want To Become Fort Builders Like The Vicious People Who Originally Enslaved Them.

Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

I Have A Lot Of Things [in Me] That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sweet.

By Elimination, Dishonesty Is The Second-best Policy.

The Best Thing About Living At The Water's Edge: You Only Have Assholes On Three Sides Of You, And If They Come This Way You Can Hear Them Splash.

Why Is There Such Controversy About Drug Testing? I Know Plenty Of Guys Who'd Be Willing To Test Any Drug They Can Come Up With.

Property Is Theft. Nobody "owns" Anything. When You Die, It All Stays Here.

To Me, Fast Food Is When A Cheetah Eats An Antelope.

Being A Dodgers Fan Led To My First Air Force Court-martial, But That's Another Story.

If No One Knows When A Person Is Going To Die, How Can We Say He Died Prematurely?

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

Some People See The Glass Half Full. Others See It Half Empty. I See A Glass That's Twice As Big As It Needs To Be.

We Will Never Be An Advanced Civilization As Long As Rain Showers Can Delay The Launching Of A Space Rocket.

In My Neighborhood - West 121st Street In New York, "white Harlem" - There Were Only Two Drugs: Smack And Marijuana. By The Time I Was 13, Some Friends And I Were Using Marijuana Fairly Regularly. The Reefer Madness Myth Was Still Very Strong Then, But I'd Been Into Jazz And Those Lyrics Included So Many Casual References To Pot That It Was Completely Demystified For Me.

I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label. I Feel That If I Was Figuratively Dropped On The Earth And There Was A Political Line, I Would Be Just Left Of Center. The Difference For Me Is That Conservatives Are More Interested In Property Values And Rights And Free Markets, And Liberals Are More Interested In Human Rights. In The End, There Are People Who Don't Fit Into The Marketplace And Are Not Equipped. I Believe The Government Should Step In Where The Free Market Fails.

I Believe You Can Joke About Anything.

Believe You Can

I Like To Say Two Things In Life That Mean The Most: Genetics And Luck. When You Look At It Realistically, Genetics Is Luck Too. Because You Could Have Been Born In Some Really Terrible Situation And Never Had A Chance To Realize Yourself Or See Who You Were. And So The Luck Of Genetics And Then After That, Circumstances, Those Are The Two Guiding Things.

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

There's This Man Who Lives In The Sky, And He Has Ten Things He Doesn't Want You To Do, And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them. But He Loves You.

A Scary Dream Makes Your Heart Beat Faster. Why Doesn't The Part Of Your Brain That Controls Your Heartbeat Realize That Another Part Of Your Brain Is Making The Whole Thing Up? Don't These People Communicate?

The Captain Has Just Turned On The Fasten-seat-belt-sign. He Didn't Mean To, But The Joint He Was Smoking Fell In His Lap, And When He Jumped Up, His Head Hit The Switch.

Weather Tonight: Dark. Turning Partly Light By Morning.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage.

Is A Vegetarian Permitted To Eat Animal Crackers?

The Golden Gate Bridge Should Have A Long Bungee Cord For People Who Aren't Quite Ready To Commit Suicide But Want To Get In A Little Practice.

There Are No Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions, And Wooooords.

Most Of The Time People Feel Okay. Probably It's Because At The Moment They're Not Actually Dying.

If God Created Everything, He's Got A Serious Quality Control Problem.

The Effect Of The Coke On Our Relationship [with My Wife Brenda] Was Very Sick. Now That It's Over, Those Were Actually Funny Times. Looking For Each Other's Coke, Hiding It, Finding It, Doing Some, Not Telling The Other. Then Fighting Over It.

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

If You Live Long Enough, Sooner Or Later Everybody You Know Has Cancer.

Cigarette Companies Market Heavily To Young People. They Need Young Customers Because Their Product Kills The Older Ones. It Is The Only Product That, If Used As Intended, Kills The Consumer.

It Was Just A Compulsion. In Fact, I Soon Realized That The Only Thing I Really Enjoyed Was The Actual Snorting.

Art, Music, And Philosophy Are Merely Poignant Examples Of What We Might Have Been Had Not The Priests And Traders Gotten Hold Of Us.

Where Ideas Are Concerned, America Can Be Counted On To Do One Of Two Things: Take A Good Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground, Or Take A Bad Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground.

I Think There's A Little More Attention To Human Needs Than To Property Rights. But I Don't Think Much Of Political Activism. It's So Shortsighted. Most People Are Interested In Their Own Personal Comfort. I've Said That About Environmentalists. I Think They Care About Bike Paths And Places To Park Their Volvos, Not The Planet As An Abstraction.

When It Comes To Bullshit...bigtime, Major League Bullshit...you Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims...religion.

I Say Things That Can Be Defined As Prayers. But I Don't Pray To A Power Or Ask An Entity To Intercede In The Earthly Scheme, Because I Don't Believe That Happens. But If I See A Really Unfortunate Person In The Street, I Do Pray, Yes, Though I Suppose It's Really More Like A Mantra To Ease My Own Sorrow.

I Put A Dollar In One Of Those Change Machines. Nothing Changed.

If You Ask Me, We Could Do With A Little Less Motivation. - The People Who Are Causing All The Trouble Seem Highly Motivated To Me. - Serial Killers, Stock Swindlers, Drug Dealers, Christian Republicans.

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People Who Ask "can I Ask You A Question?" Didn't Really Give Me A Choice, Did Ya There Buddy?

Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth. If We Could Read Each Other's Minds, This Would Be A Horror Show.

Why Is The Man Who Invests All Your Money Called A Broker?

Irony Deals With Opposites; It Has Nothing To Do With Coincidence.

One Thing Leads To Another? Not Always. Sometimes One Thing Leads To The Same Thing. Ask An Addict.

There Are Women Named Faith, Hope, Joy, And Prudence. Why Not Despair, Guilt, Rage, And Grief? It Seems Only Right. 'tom, I'd Like You To Meet The Girl Of My Dreams, Tragedy.' These Days, Trajedi.

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The More Syllables A Euphemism Has, The Further Divorced From Reality It Is.

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I Suspect There Really Was More To My Accident Than Bad Luck. I Think It Was God's Way Of Punishing My Nose.

Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

The Phrase Surgical Strike Might Be More Acceptable If It Were Common Practice To Perform Surgery With High Explosives.

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It's All Bullshit, Folks And It's Bad For Ya.

Hard Work Is For People Short On Talent.

I Just Try To Find Targets I Feel Something About And Express It My Way.

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

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Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

All Music Is The Blues. All Of It.

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We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

Have You Ever Started A Path? No One Seems Willing To Do This. We Don't Mind Using Existing Paths, But We Rarely Start New Ones. Do It Today. Start A Path. Even If It Doesn't Lead Anywhere

When I Listen To Those Tapes Now, The Real Cocaine Shows; There's Just Nothing Special About Their Content.

I Just Love It When I Hear A Little Commotion, Someone Leaving. When I See Those Doors In The Back . . .

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Patriarchal Society

Life Is A Near-death Experience.

I Think Self-expression Is Present At All Times, And Whether Or Not You're Talking About The Outside World Or Your Responses To It Depends On The Moment And The Subject.

When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

Like On The Airlines, They Say They Want To 'pre-board'. Well, What The Hell Is 'pre Board'? What Does That Mean? To Get On Before You Get On?

Here’s A Bumper Sticker I’d Like To See: “we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who’s Self-esteem Is Sufficient That He Doesn’t Need Us Promoting His Minor Scholastic Achievements On The Back Of Our Car."

In Football The Object Is To March Into Enemy Territory And Cross His Goal. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home.

If You Vote And You Elect Dishonest, Incompetent People Into Office Who Screw Everything Up, You Are Responsible For What They Have Done. You Caused The Problem; You Voted Them In; You Have No Right To Complain

If All Our National Holidays Were Observed On Wednesdays, We Could Wind Up With Nine-day Weekends.

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer. When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are. But, On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?

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Oh Beautiful For Smoggy Skies, Insecticided Grain, For Strip-mined Mountain's Majesty Above The Asphalt Plain. America, America, Man Sheds His Waste On Thee, And Hides The Pines With Billboard Signs, From Sea To Oily Sea.

One Of The Interesting Things About "outsidership" Is That Underneath It There's A Longing To Belong. I Just Wish The Thing I Refused To Belong To - The Species, Western Capital Culture - Was A Little More Respectable. My One True Relaxation Is My Flotation Tank, In Which I Can Either Meditate Or Just Drift Off.

If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.

It's A "keep Your Fingers Crossed" Business, The Entertainment Business.

Fingers Crossed

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

This Is A Lttle Prayer Dedicated To The Separation Of Church And State. I Guess If They Are Going To Force Those Kids To Pray In Schools They Might As Well Have A Nice Prayer Like This: Our Father Who Art In Heaven, And To The Republic For Which It Stands, Thy Kingdom Come, One Nation Indivisible As In Heaven, Give Us This Day As We Forgive Those Who So Proudly We Hail. Crown Thy Good Into Temptation But Deliver Us From The Twilight's Last Gleaming. Amen And Awomen.

We Use Up Words Like 'spiritual' So Fast In This Culture. Twenty Years Ago Spiritual Had A Distinct Meaning. But Now There's A Lot Of Jack-off Thinkers Who Just Love To Talk About The Spiritual. And There Is A Lot Of Bogus - Is Bogosity A Word? It Should Be - A Lot Of Bogosity In These Spiritual Seekers. So You Have To Find Another Way To Express It. I Just Call It 'how I Fit'.

I Gravitated Toward Being A Funny Guy. I Liked The Radio Comedians. I Lived In The Golden Age Of Radio, And The Golden Age Of Television Came Along When I Was Still In My Early Teens.

What Wine Goes With Captain Crunch?

What Do Dogs Do On Their Day Off?; Can't Lie Around – That's Their Job!

The Keys To America: The Cross, The Brew, The Dollar, And The Gun.

What Exactly Is 'viewer Discretion'? If Viewers Had Discretion, Most Television Shows Would Not Be On The Air.

People Say Life Begins At Conception, I Say Life Began About A Billion Years Ago And It's A Continuous Process.

The Human Species Could Have Been Great But Instead We Became Satisfied With Lights On Our Tennis Shoes.

If God Didn't Want You To Masturbate, He Would Have Given You Short Arms.

If The Reason For Climbing Mt. Everest Is That It's Hard To Do, Why Does Everyone Go Up The Easy Side?

Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

Medical Researchers Have Discovered A New Disease That Has No Symptoms. It Is Impossible To Detect, And There Is No Known Cure. Fortunately, No Cases Have Been Reported Thus Far.

The Highly Motivated People In Society Are The Ones Causing All The Trouble. It's Not The Lazy Unmotivated Folks Sitting In Front Of A Tv Eating Potato Chips Who Bother Anyone.

Running Isn't A Sport Because Anyone Can Do It. Anything We Can All Do Can't Be A Sport. I Can Run, You Can Run. My Mother Can Run, You Don't See Her On The Cover Of Sports Illustrated Do You?

When I'm Not Actually Doing My Work, I'm Planning It Or Thinking About It Or Reading Things That On Some Level Are Transformed Into Performance Fantasies. I Have No Active Interests. I Never Go Anywhere Or Do Anything That Transports Me Outside The Boundaries Of My Mind.

I Remember When I Was A Kid I Used To Come Home From Sunday School And My Mother Would Get Drunk And Try To Make Pancakes

A Dog Has No Shame. If He Can Do It, You Can Watch.

Do You Realize That The Only Time In Our Lives When We Like To Get Old Is When We're Kids? If You're Less Than 10 Years Old, You're So Excited About Aging That You Think In Fractions.

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

President George Bush Declared A National Day Of Prayer For Peace. This Was After He Had Carefully Arranged And Started The War.

For An Entertainer, Part Of The Thing You Do Is Just Style. And The Coke Did Help Me Get Into Great Runs Of Pure Form.

Results Like These [state Of The Earth] Do Not Belong On The Resumé Of A Supreme Being.

Because We Were A Poor Area, The School Had A Small Budget And Was Unable To Teach The Second Half Of The Alphabet.

I Don't Understand The Problem With Paroling Charles Manson? I Say Set Him Free And Let Him Get On With His Work. I Have A Long List Of Celebrities I'd Be Glad To Share With Him.

Looking Back, I Realize That My Life Has Been A Series Of Incidents Where One Person Has Said To Another, "get This Asshole Outta Here!"

Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane By Those Who Cannot Hear The Music.

There Are Actually People Who Go Out And Re-fight These Battles. You Know What I Say? Use Real Ammunition! You Just Might Raise The Intelligence Level Of The American Gene Pool!

Your Dog Thinks You're A God. Your Cat Thinks The Dog's An Asshole.

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

Whereas Your Blackness, Ethnicity, Homosexuality Is Something That Might Be Genetic, I Can't Touch That, And I Have No Right.

The New Testament Is Not New Anymore' It's Thousands Of Years Old. It's Time To Start Calling It The Less Old Testament.

Religion - Religion, At Best - At Best - Is Like A Lift In Your Shoe. If You Need It For A While, And It Makes You Walk Straight And Feel Better - Fine. But You Don't Need It Forever, Or You Can Become Permanently Disabled. Religion Is Like A Lift In The Shoe, And I Say Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes. And Let's Not Go Down And Nail Lifts Onto The Natives' Feet.

Do You Know The Nicest Thing About Looking At Pictures Of A 1950's Baseball Park? The Only People Wearing Baseball Caps Are The Players.

Rhetoric Paints With A Broad Brush.

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

No Matter How You Care To Define It, I Do Not Identify With The Local Group. Planet, Species, Race, Nation, State, Religion, Party, Union, Club, Association, Neighborhood Improvement Committee; I Have No Interest In Any Of It. I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loathe And Despise The Groups They Identify With And Belong To.

Intelligence Tests Are Biased Toward The Literate.

Religion Has What Is Easily The Greatest Bullshit Story Of All Time.

The Word Bipartisan Usually Means Some Larger-than-usual Deception Is Being Carried Out.

My Advice: Just Keep Movin' Straight Ahead. Every Now And Then You Find Yourself In A Different Place.

Finding Yourself

Marry An Orphan: You'll Never Have To Spend Boring Holidays With The In-laws.

I Believe My First Duty Is To Survive. And I'm Not Just Talking About Criminals Coming Into My Home. I Once Seriously Considered Getting A Gun To Protect Myself From The Police. If I Need A Weapon To Continue Living, I'll Get One. And I'll Use It.

Sometimes, When I Was Really Loaded, I'd Sit On The Floor And Sort Out Every Nut And Bolt In The House. It Was Just Sheer Insanity. And Often There'd Be Speed In The Cut, So I Was A Speed Freak, Too.

They [the Reagan Administration] Want To Put Street Criminals In Jail To Make Life Safer For The Business Criminals. They're Against Street Crime, Providing That Street Isn't Wall Street.

I Don't Understand Why Prostitution Is Illegal, Selling Is Legal, F***ing Is Legal. So Why Isn't It Legal To Sell F***ing? Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Legal To Give Away?

If A Painting Can Be Forged Well Enough To Fool Experts, Why Is The Original So Valuable?

What Does It Mean To Pre-board? Do You Get On Before You Get On?

Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids

I Use The [vulgar] Words Because Apparently These Words Do Not Corrupt Morally. I'm From The Street In New York, Hung Around In A Tough Neighborhood. It Was Common To Curse, You Make Your Point. It's A Very Effective Language. I Try Not To Overdo It. It's Never To Shock. I Know Where It Fits, It's Never To Shock. There's No Shock Value Left In Words.

No One Has To Come See My Shows Who Doesn't Like Me Talking About White Christians. They Are Free Not Buy A Ticket. They're Free To Leave At Any Time. So I'm Not Imposing Anything On Anyone. Therefore I Feel Free To Cross The Line.

I Think Of Shock As Kind Of An Uptown Form Of Surprise. Comedy Is Filled With Surprise, So When I Cross A Line... I Like To Find Out Where The Line Might Be And Then Cross It Deliberately, And Then Make The Audience Happy About Crossing The Line With Me.

Crossing The Line

Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?

There's A Reason Education Sucks, And It's The Same Reason It Will Never Ever Ever Be Fixed. It's Never Going To Get Any Better. Don't Look For It. Be Happy With What You've Got, Because The Owners Of This Country Don't Want That. I'm Talking About The Real Owners Now... The Real Owners. The Big Wealthy Business Interests That Control Things And Make All The Important Decisions. Forget The Politicians. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice. You Have Owners.

Y'ever Notice How You Never Seem To Get Laid On Thanksgiving? I Think It's Because All The Coats Are On The Bed.

And This Should Go Without Saying. That's Why I'm Going To Say It: Drinking And Driving Don't Mix. Do Your Drinking Early In The Morning And Get It Out Of The Way. Then Go Driving While The Visibility Is Still Good.

So About 80 Years After The Constitution Is Ratified, The Slaves Are Freed. Not So You'd Really Notice It Of Course; Just Kinda On Paper. And That Of Course Was At The End Of The Civil War. Now There Is Another Phrase I Dearly Love. That Is A True Oxymoron If I've Ever Heard One: "civil War." Do You Think Anybody In This Country Could Ever Really Have A Civil War? "say, Pardon Me?" (shoots Gun) "i'm Awfully Sorry. Awfully Sorry."

The Only Person Who Is With Us Our Entire Life, Is Ourselves.

Whoever Coined The Term "buyer Beware" Was Probably Bleeding From The Asshole.

I Became A Guy Who Wanted To Be A Comedian Someday, Or A Comic Actor. The Way I Put It Was, I'll Be Like Danny Kaye. He Was Kind Of The Model I Had In Mind.

When You Think About It, Attention-deficit Order Makes A Lot Of Sense. In This Country There Isn't A Lot Worth Paying Attention To.

People Are Dreaming If They Think They Have Rights. They've Never Had Rights. There's No Such Thing.

I Went To The Missing Persons Bureau But No One Was There.

Missing A Person

Never Underestimate The Role Pretension Plays When It Comes To Creating Euphemistic Language.

Geologists Claim That Although The World Is Running Out Of Oil, There Is Still A 200-hundred-year Supply Of Brake Fluid.

Sometimes, After I'd Gone At The Coke Like One Of Those Snow Plows Moving Up First Avenue, I'd Think My Heart Was Over On The Dresser, Pounding, And I Was Watching It. I Asked Some Of The Doctors Who Drifted Through The Intensive-care Unit What Kind Of Effect Total Cocaine Abuse Has On The Heart And They Said Things Like, "well, There's Not Enough Valid Information...." That Kind Of Answer.

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.you Have No Choice. You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything. They Own All The Important Land. They Own, And Control The Corporations. They've Long Since Bought, And Paid For The Senate, The Congress, The State Houses, The City Halls, They Got The Judges In Their Back Pockets And They Own All The Big Media Companies, So They Control Just About All Of The News And Information You Get To Hear.

Conservatives Want Live Babies So They Can Train Them To Be Dead Soldiers.

I Use The Word 'fat'. I Use That Word Because That's What People Are: They're Fat. They're Not Bulky; They're Not Large, Chunky, Hefty Or Plump. And They're Not Big-boned. Dinosaurs Were Big-boned. These People Are Not Overweight: This Term Somehow Implies There Is Some Correct Weight... There Is No Correct Weight. Heavy Is Also A Misleading Term. An Aircraft Carrier Is Heavy; It's Not Fat. Only People Are Fat, And That's What Fat People Are! They're Fat !

Did You Ever Look At Your Watch, And You Look Away... And You Don't Know What Time It Is?

When I First Heard The Song Don't Worry - Be Happy I Realized It Was Exactly The Kind Of Mindless Philosophy That Americans Would Respond To. It Would Make A Great National Anthem Along With Me First.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

If You're Reading It In A Book, Folks, It Ain't Self-help. It's Help.

The Truth Is, Pavlov's Dog Trained Pavlov To Ring This Bell Just Before The Dog Salivated.

How Do You Write Zero In Roman Numerals?

Somewhere In The World Is A Doctor Who Is Worse Than All Other Doctors...and Someone Has An Appointment With Him In The Morning.

I Simply Decided That Dope Wasn't Worth The Ritual.

The Women Who Line Up At A Comic's Dressing-room Door Are Not What You'd Call Your Class Groupies.

If Everyone In The World Sat Quietly At The Same Time, Closed Their Eyes And Concentrated As Hard As They Could On Peace And Goodwill, All The Killing And Cruelty In The World Would Continue. And Probably Increase.

Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

I Had No Shoes, And I Felt Sorry For Myself Until I Met A Man Who Had No Feet. I Took His Shoes. Now I Feel Better.

God Bless The Homicidal Maniacs. They Make Life Worthwhile.

To Me, Smoking Pot Meant Sitting With A Newspaper On My Legs, Rolling The Seeds Down, Pulling The Twigs Out And Finally Producing A Perfectly Cylindrical, Absolutely Wonderful Joint That You Either Locked At Both Ends Or Pinched Off, Or Pinched At One End And Left Open At The Other.

Personally, When It Comes To Rights, I Think One Of Two Things Is True. I Think Either We Have Unlimited Rights, Or We Have No Rights At All. Personally I Lean Towards Unlimited Rights, I Feel For Instance I Have The Right To Do Anything I Please, But! If I Do Something You Don't Like I Think You Have The Right To Kill Me.

No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open.

When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I'm Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

Some National Parks Have Long Waiting Lists For Camping Reservations. When You Have To Wait A Year To Sleep Next To A Tree, Something Is Wrong.

One Philosopher Has Rightly Said That Property Is Theft. But I'd Like To Use My Future Ownership Of Property To Give Something Back.

It's Never Just A Game When You're Winning.

Praying Is Begging For An Unseen Deity To Alter The Laws Of Nature For Someone Admittedly Unworthy.

Why Do They Bother Saying "raw Sewage"? Do Some People Actually Cook That Stuff?

One Time. In 1965. August, For About An Hour, I Was Both Fine And Dandy At The Same Time. But Nobody Asked Me How I Was.

I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

In America, Anyone Can Become President. That's The Problem.

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Christine Gregoire

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