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Bernie Sanders' Presidential Campaign Announced That It Raised Over $1.5 Million In The 24 Hours After He Announced His Bid. Meanwhile, A 12-year-old On Kickstarter Just Raised $7 Million In Five Minutes After Announcing His Idea For Juice Box Water Guns.

-Jimmy Fallon

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Bernie Sanders' Presidential Campaign

Jimmy Fallon

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Bernie Sanders' Presidential Campaign Announced That It Raised Over $1.5 Million In The 24 Hours After He Announced His Bid. Meanwhile, A 12-year-old On Kickstarter Just Raised $7 Million In Five Minutes After Announcing His Idea For Juice Box Water Guns.

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Thank You, People Who Say 'wow, You're Really Photogenic,' For Not Saying What You Really Mean: 'wow, You're Really Ugly In Person.'

Senator Rand Paul Reflected On Mitt Romney's Potential 2016 Campaign And Said, 'it's Sort Of What Einstein Said, That The Definition Of Insanity Is To Do The Same Thing Over And Over Again And Expect A Different Result.' When Someone Told Him Einstein Didn't Actually Say That, He Said, 'in The Words Of Gandhi, 'my Bad.''

Hillary Clinton Said That Libyan Leader Moammar Gadhafi Is Engaged In 'theater.' Which Explains The New Strategy To Defeat Him: Casting Him As The Lead In 'spider-man: The Musical.'

This Week, Georgia's Board Of Education Approved A Plan That Allows Teachers To Keep Using The Word Evolution When Teaching Biology. Though, As A Compromise, Dinosaurs Are Now Called Jesus Horses.

Yesterday President Obama Traveled To Jamaica, Where He Will Meet With Students And Caribbean Leaders. Jamaica's Such A Beautiful Place, Obama Says He Can't Wait To Just Take It All In, Hold It For Several Seconds, And Then Exhale.

Today, Mitt Romney Visited A Firehouse Here In New York City. Of Course, He Was Disappointed When He Learned That A Firehouse Isn't A House Where You Get To Fire People.

Anything I Learned Was Just Work Hard, Just Keep Working And Don't Worry About The Outside Stuff. Whatever Happens Will Happen.

We Have First Lady Michelle Obama On The Show Tonight. As You'd Expect, Security's Been Pretty Tight. On My Way In I Got Five Pat-downs, And That Was Just From Joe Biden.

A House Panel In Texas Has Approved Full Marijuana Legalization For The State. Yeah, Meaning Texas Could Go From Having Dude Ranches To 'dude, Ranches.'

I Don't Even Read The Papers. I Read 'usa Today' Because It Has Color Photos.

If You're Going To Do A Chris Christie Joke, Just Say, 'christie Spent $82,000 At A Concession Stand At Metlife Stadium. Then He Turned To His Friends And Said, 'you Guys Want Anything?'' That's A Joke. I Can't Believe It. I Caved In. I Feel Awful.

The Department Of Agriculture Announced That It Will Ban Six New Strains Of E. Coli. Which Explains Why The Hot Dog Vendor Outside My Building Is Now Just Selling Napkins.

A New Report Found That Facebook Has Created More Than 450,000 Jobs. Unfortunately, Photos Posted On Facebook Have Ended 550,000 Jobs.

A New Study Found That Women Think Men Holding A Guitar Are More Attractive, Even If They Are Not Playing It. In A Related Story, Guys With An Accordion Will Die Alone.

A Recent Study Shows That Standing At Work For Long Periods Of Time Is Bad For You, After Earlier Research Indicated That Sitting For Too Long At Work Is Bad For You. So Really The Only Thing We Know Is, Work Is Bad For You.

Don't Keep Reaching For The Stars Because You'll Just Look Like An Idiot Stretching That Way For No Reason.

An Internet Rumor Claims That John Kerry Had An Affair With A Young Woman. When Asked If This Was Similar To The Clinton-lewinsky Scandal, A Spokesman Said 'close, But No Cigar.'

Starbucks Is Planning To Close Down All The Restrooms In Its New York Locations. Which Explains The Most Popular New Starbucks Order: An Empty Cup.

Senate Democrats Blocked President Obama's Trade Bill Yesterday Because They're Worried It Could Hurt Jobs. It's Not An Issue For Republicans, Since They've All Found Work As Presidential Candidates.

Hillary Clinton's Younger Brother Tony Is Facing Criticism For Using The Clintons' Political Connections To Help His Career. So On The Down Side, She Has A Sketchy Brother Named Tony. On The Up Side, She Just Locked Up Every Vote In New Jersey.

Look, I Know These Rick Perry Jokes Are A Little Mean, But Tomorrow, He Won't Even Remember Them.

Republican Candidate George Pataki Said His Dogs Would Give Him The Best Endorsement For Becoming Our Next President. Until They Hear Chris Christie Always Carries Bacon In His Pockets. (joke's On Them, Though, He's Never Going To Give Them Any Of That Pocket Bacon. It's What Gets Him Through Long Meetings!)

Apple Is Apparently Building A Large Solar Energy Farm In North Carolina. And If There's Any Justice, The Minute They're Done Building It, God Will Introduce A Newer, Smaller Sun That's Not Compatible With Their Machinery.

Three Of Donald Trump's Kids Have Come Forward To Defend Him, And Called Him 'an Incredible Dad And Role Model.' Donald Was So Moved That He Wrote One Of Them Back Into His Will. 'i'm Not Gonna Tell You Which One . . . It's Donald Jr.'

Success Is.... Happiness. Is That Too Deepak Chopra?

Officials From The Soccer Organization Fifa, Which Decides Which Cities Get To Host The World Cup, Are Accused Of Accepting Bribes When Making Their Decision. Of Course The Toughest Part For The Soccer Officials Was Taking Bribes Without Using Their Hands.

The 'tonight Show' Didn't Seem Like An Actual Job That You Could Have. All You Remember Is You Watched Johnny Carson, And You Never Thought He Would Retire.

There's A Growing Trend Of Older Americans Who Are Using Marijuana In Their Retirement. That Makes Sense Because Old People Are Always Talking About Their Joints.

Success Is Just Happiness. When You Are Happy, That Is Success.

A Political Action Committee Trying To Raise Money For A 2016 Hillary Clinton Campaign Is Selling “ready For Hillary” Champagne Glasses And Christmas Ornaments. Because If One Thing Improves The Holidays, It's Drinking Mixed With Politics.

I Just Heard About A Woman In Germany Who Just Gave Birth To A Baby Boy Named "jihad." Or As The Tsa Put It, "hope You Like Amtrak!

I Can Watch An Episode Of Jerry Seinfeld, And By The End, I'm Just Walking Around My House, You Know, Talking Like Jerry Seinfeld. 'what Is That? What Are You Doing? Who Is It? What's Going' - You Know, I Just Had That Thing, When I Grew Up, I'd Just Start Talking Like People. You Know, I Always Had That.

This Week The Obama Administration Warned China To Remove Its Secret Agents From The U.s. Then In The Middle Of Obama's Announcement A Plant Behind Him Got Up And Walked Away.

Apple Is Developing A Service Called Home Kit That Will Allow People To Operate Gadgets Like Garage Openers And Thermostats Through One App. In Related News, Please Don't Tell My Parents About This. I Can't Be Explaining This Stuff Every Week.

This Weekend The Conservative Political Action Conference, Cpac, Featured Several Speakers Including Sarah Palin And Phil Robertson From 'duck Dynasty.' It Was A Good Weekend For Conservatives - And A Great Weekend For Wild Animals.

It's All About The Script. Reality Is Key To Me And Less Cutesy.

Researchers In The U.k. Have Developed A Vegetable Called "super Broccoli" Designed To Fight Heart Disease. Not To Be Outdone, Researchers In America Have Developed A Way To Stuff An Oreo Inside Another Oreo.

Republican Candidate Ben Carson Told Reporters He Thinks American Prisons Might Be Too Comfortable. As Opposed To Mexican Prisons That Have Personal Showers With $5 Million Escape Tunnels.

In A New Interview, The President Discussed The Upcoming Election. He Said That Hillary Clinton Is Going To Do Great As A Presidential Candidate. When Asked How Biden Would Do, Obama Said, 'hillary's Going To Do Great.'

Today Russia Announced That It Will Join America's Fight With The Terror Group Isis. Then Putin Said, "but I Did Not Say Which Side.

I'm Going To North Pole To Help Out Santa This Year.

Wearing Shorts Is A Huge Perk. I Think It's Probably One Of The Reasons People Become Mailmen. You Also Get To Drive In That Vehicle That Should Be Illegal In The United States, Where The Steering Wheel Is On The Other Side. They Have No Rules! They Are The Punk Rock Of Government Jobs.

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