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Joe Biden Was Spotted With A Bruise On His Face That Was Apparently Caused By His Dog. I Guess They Collided When They Both Went After The Same Tennis Ball.

-Jimmy Fallon

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Joe Biden Was Spotted

Jimmy Fallon

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Joe Biden Was Spotted With A Bruise On His Face That Was Apparently Caused By His Dog. I Guess They Collided When They Both Went After The Same Tennis Ball.

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Keystone Pipeline

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According To A New Poll, 48 Percent Of Americans Believe That Hillary Clinton Is Honest And Trustworthy. Then Hillary Said, 'actually I Just Made That Poll Up.'

There's A Growing Trend Of Older Americans Who Are Using Marijuana In Their Retirement. That Makes Sense Because Old People Are Always Talking About Their Joints.

I Honestly, Purposely Have Not Gone To Therapy Because I Know Some Crazy Stuff's Going To Be Dragged Up And, You Know, I'll Be Like, 'wait, What?'

A Girl In New York Whose Parents Were On Wife Swap Is Suing The Show For 100-million Dollars For Making Her Look Like A Spoiled Brat. Note To Girl: Guess What Else Makes You Look Like A Spoiled Brat? Being 15 And Suing For A Hundred Million Dollars.

According To A New Report, Since He's Been Governor, Chris Christie Has Spent $82,000 At A Concession Stand At Metlife Stadium. Now, I Know It Seems Like The Perfect Story For A Chris Christie Joke But I'm Actually On A Chris Christie Joke Diet. So Nothing For Me, Thanks.

The Pentagon Banned The Army From Using Chinese-made Berets. In A More Veiled Slap At The Chinese, The Pentagon Also Banned Any Alternative Form Of Checkers.

In Several Speeches And Interviews, Donald Trump Has Brought Up His Book 'the Art Of The Deal,' And Said That Obama Would Have Negotiated A Better Deal With Iran If He Had Read It. It Got Even More Awkward For Obama When Iran Was Like, 'it Worked For Us - You Guys Got Screwed!'

President Obama Finally Has His Own Personal Twitter Account. Even John Mccain Said, 'welcome To The Internet, Grandpa.'

I Think You Just Look For The Person You Have The Most Fun With. And That's Enough. You Realize, "wait, I Can Just Keep Having Fun With Her Forever?" Yes, You Can Do That. That Is The Key.

I Like Video Games, I Like Tech, I Like Being Positive.

President Obama Unveiled A $4 Trillion Budget For 2016 That Would Increase Taxes On The Wealthy And Spend More Money On Education. He Also Made A Snowball And Put It In The Oven, Just To See Which Would Last Longer, His Budget Or The Snowball.

John Mccain Responded To Critics Who Say He's Too Old For A Sixth Term By Saying That His Mother Is 103 Years Old And Doing Well. The Crazy Thing Is That Even She Is Somehow Younger Than John Mccain.

Happy Birthday To Arnold Palmer, Who Turned 82. That's 41 Years Iced Tea And 41 Years Lemonade.

An Internet Rumor Claims That John Kerry Had An Affair With A Young Woman. When Asked If This Was Similar To The Clinton-lewinsky Scandal, A Spokesman Said 'close, But No Cigar.'

A Recent Study Shows That Standing At Work For Long Periods Of Time Is Bad For You, After Earlier Research Indicated That Sitting For Too Long At Work Is Bad For You. So Really The Only Thing We Know Is, Work Is Bad For You.

God Invented Mankind Because He Loved Silly Stories. Ralph Steadman I Like Being Absurd.

We're Into Tech Stuff, Gadgets, Phones, Video Games. We'll Treat A Video Game Premiere Like A Movie Premiere. I'm Just Going To Be Honest With What I Like And What I Do. What I Enjoy. We're Not Going To Hide The Fact That People Are On The Internet All Day. I Think A Lot Of Shows Don't Really Mention That.

President Obama Is In China Now For An Economic Summit In Beijing. The President Wore A Traditional Purple Silk Shirt Along With Chinese President Xi Jinping And Vladimir Putin. That's After They Taught Putin How To Put A Shirt On.

During The Cpac Conference, Rand Paul Told The Crowd It Was Time For A New President And That People Need To Help Make The Change. Of Course, Most People Agreed With Him, Since That's How Term Limits Work.

I Remember People Saying To Us, "you're Too Nice. Hollywood Is Going To Eat You Up And Spit You Out." I Never Listened To Them.

Honestly, I Just Want To Keep People Awake. Or At Least Give You One Joke To Go To Bed With.

There Are Reports That Russia Is Actually Working With North Korea To Encourage “collaboration And Cooperation” Between The Two Countries. Yeah, They Believe That With Russia's Economic Power And North Korea's Technology, They Can Be A Real Threat To 1987.

A New Helicopter Service Called Gotham Air Is Now Offering Users Cheap Flights From Manhattan To Jfk Or Newark Airports That Start At Just $99. If There's Two Words I Trust Together In The Same Sentence, It's 'cheap' And 'helicopter.'

The Key To Happiness. Hm.... There Are Just So Many Factors. I Think It's Just A Way Of Being. It's About.... Every Little Thing In Moderation. Whether It Be Stress, Anger, Joy, Depression.

When You Were A Kid, It [work In Ibm] Seemed Like An Awesome Job. I'd Get To Go To Work And Have A Briefcase. I Loved How Dad Wore A Tie And Got A Car. I Didn't Know If All Those Things Came Together. I'd See My Dad Go Off To Work And We'd Wait For Him To Come Home, And We'd All Be Excited To See Him.

A Pennsylvania Woman Convicted For Shoplifting Was Sentenced To Wear A Badge That Reads "convicted Shoplifter." However, Her Lawyers Hope To Plea Bargain Down To A Bumper Sticker Reading "i'd Rather Be Stealing!.

Bp Wants Twitter To Shut Down A Fake Bp Account That Is Mocking The Oil Company. In Response, Twitter Wants Bp To Shut Down The Oil Leak That's Ruining The Ocean.

In A Speech In Texas, Donald Trump Called Hillary Clinton 'easily The Worst Secretary Of State In The History Of Our Country.' When Asked What He Based That On, Trump Said, 'i Heard Me Say It Just Now. So It's Gotta Be True.'

The Favorite To Win The Olympic Gold Medal In Archery Is A Legally Blind Athlete From South Korea, Mainly Because Everyone Else Is Too Scared To Compete Next To Him.

A Recent Study Found That People Lie More When They Are Texting. Yeah, Especially That One Lie: "sorry, Just Got Your Text!

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