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Arizona Senator John Mccain Announced That He Plans On Running For A Sixth Term Because He Is Concerned About The Nation's Security. He Plans To Help Just Like Any Other 80-year-old: By Sitting On His Porch With A Police Scanner.

-Jimmy Fallon

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Arizona Senator John Mccain

Jimmy Fallon

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Arizona Senator John Mccain Announced That He Plans On Running For A Sixth Term Because He Is Concerned About The Nation's Security. He Plans To Help Just Like Any Other 80-year-old: By Sitting On His Porch With A Police Scanner.

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Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg Apparently Called President Obama Directly To Complain About Nsa And How It Spies On Ordinary Americans. That's Right, The Guy Who Runs Facebook Got Mad At The Nsa For Spying On People. Talk About The Pot Unfriending The Kettle!

My Dream Was To Grow Up And Get A Job At Ibm, Like My Dad. That Seemed Like A Logical Dream.

It's Being Reported That Google Spent Over $5 Million On Lobbying Just During The First Quarter Of This Year. You'd Think Google Wouldn't Really Need To Lobby Politicians. All They Have To Say Is, 'we Have Your Search History. Do What We Tell You.'

Arizona Just Became The 15th State To Approve Medical Marijuana. So I Give It Three Days Before They Stop Caring About The Whole Immigration Thing.

I'd Do Entire Music Videos In My Bedroom, Where I Used To Stand In Front Of My Television Memorizing The Moves To Michael Jackson's 'beat It.'

President Obama Has Reduced The Sentences Of 22 Federal Prisoners Who Were Arrested For Drug-related Crimes - Eight Of Whom Were Serving Life Sentences. It Marks The First Time Someone Has Said 'thanks Obama' But Actually Meant It.

After Months Of Negotiations, Iran Has Finally Agreed To Reduce Its Nuclear Weapons Program. Which Was Great Until Putin Showed Up And Said, 'hi, I'm Here About Craigslist Ad For Nukes.'

I Remember People Saying To Us, "you're Too Nice. Hollywood Is Going To Eat You Up And Spit You Out." I Never Listened To Them.

After Donald Trump Wrote Lindsey Graham's Cellphone Number On A Piece Of Paper And Showed It To Everybody, Graham Said He's Getting A New Phone. Which Explains Lindsey Graham's Latest Campaign Slogan, 'new Phone, Who Dis?'

The Man Who Invented Doritos Has Passed Away At The Age Of 97. He Asked To Be Buried With The Creator Of Fritos And Cheetos In A Variety Pack.

I Saw That Donald Trump Is Selling His Penthouse Suite At The Trump Park Avenue Building Here In New York City For $21 Million. When Asked Why He's Selling It Now, Trump Said 'hey, Americans Seem To Be Buying Everything Else I'm Selling, So Why Not Strike While The Iron's Hot.'

The Key To Happiness. Hm.... There Are Just So Many Factors. I Think It's Just A Way Of Being. It's About.... Every Little Thing In Moderation. Whether It Be Stress, Anger, Joy, Depression.

Ted Cruz Raised Over A Million Dollars After Announcing That He's Running For President. Which Is Why Today Radioshack Announced That It Is Also Running For President.

Nissan Is Recalling Almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s To Address An Airbag Problem. When Toyota Heard That, They Said, 'airbags! I Knew We Forgot Something.'

There Are Reports That Kim Jong Un Climbed North Korea's Highest Mountain. Kim Jong Un Said All It Took To Climb That Mountain Was Hard Work, Determination, And Lying About Climbing That Mountain.

Time Magazine Interviewed Bill Clinton About The Current Presidential Campaign, And He Claimed He Had To Ask Hillary To Marry Him Three Times Before She Said Yes. Then Hillary Was Like, 'yeah. That Wasn't Me.'

If People Want To See You, They'll Find You. If They Don't See You On Tv, They'll Find You On The Internet.

It's Something I Worry About When I'm Working Out. I Don't Want To Get Too Fit. Because I Don't Want The New Davinci Of This Millennium To Say, "you. I Have Found My Muse. I Have To Sculpt You."

Now That The Midterm Elections Are Over, President Obama Has Invited Congressional Leaders From Both Parties To A Meeting At The White House Tomorrow. When Asked If He's Nervous, Obama Said, 'oh, I'm Not Going To Be There. I Just Invited Them Over. They Can Figure It Out Themselves.'

Mary-kate And Ashley Olsen Attended A Fundraiser For Hillary Clinton In New York City This Week. Hillary Told Them, 'good Luck With The Reboot Of Your '90s Show.' And They Said, 'thanks. Good Luck With Yours.'

A New Poll Also Shows That A Majority Of People In Colorado Think Hillary Clinton Is Not Trustworthy. Although, That's Not Saying Much Coming From The Most Paranoid State In America. 'hillary Clinton? She's A Cop?'

Nasa Is Developing Space Taxis To Shuttle Astronauts To The International Space Station. And Just Like New York Taxis, They're All Going To Be Driven By Aliens.

In A Recent Attack Ad, The Nra Claims That President Obama Cares About His Own Children More Than He Cares About Other Children. In Response, President Obama Was Like, 'yeah, That's How Families Work.'

God Invented Mankind Because He Loved Silly Stories. Ralph Steadman I Like Being Absurd.

Shouldn't Every Day Be Earth Day? I Mean, What Are Our Options?

In A Recent Interview, Jeb Bush Revealed That His Brother George Gave Him The Nickname 'tortoise' Because He's Making Slow, Steady Progress. Though I Think The Bigger Story Here Is That Compared To George, Jeb Is The Slow One.

Rachel Dolezal Stepped Down From Her Position As President Of An Naacp Chapter After It Was Revealed That She Was A White Woman Pretending To Be Black. Now Her Brother Says He Knew About It But She Asked Him Not To Blow Her Cover. Unfortunately, Her Cover Had Already Been Blown By God When He Made Her A Blond-haired, Blue-eyed White Lady.

North Korea Has Declared Its Own Time Zone That They Are Calling 'pyongyang Time,' And Set Their Clocks Back Half An Hour. So If It's Say, 11:40 Here Now In New York, In North Korea It's Still 1925.

Today Is Earth Day. Environmentalists Spent The Day Drawing Attention To The Earth, While The Earth Just Spent The Day Checking Facebook To See Which Planets Wished It A Happy Earth Day.

Today President Obama Gave A Major Speech Where He Defended His Handling Of The Economy. And There Were Tons Of People In The Audience, You Know, Since Nobody Had To Be At Work.

The White House Is Apparently Pushing To Create More Latino-themed Landmarks. Now That's In Addition To Our Current Latino-themed Landmark, California.

Scott Walker's Campaign Slogan Is 'reform. Growth. Safety.' Which Is Actually Similar To Donald Trump's New Slogan: 'mexico. Money. Crazy.'

Thank You, Horseradish, For Being Neither A Radish Nor A Horse. What You Are Is A Liar Food.

I Didn't Invent The Rainy Day. I Just Own The Best Umbrella.

President Obama Said That If He Could Have Any Superpower, He'd Want The Ability To Speak Any Language. That's So Everyone In The World Could Tell Him He Picked One Of The Lamest Possible Superpowers.

A Man In Georgia Was Arrested For Burglary After He Left His Facebook Account Open On The Victim's Computer. But This Is Nice: He's Only Been In Jail A Few Hours, And His Status Already Says "in A Relationship!

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