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Sources Say The Obama Administration Is In The 'final Stages' Of Planning The Closing Of Guantanamo Bay. The Way It's Gonna Work Is, They're Going To Put A Radio Shack Sign Out Front And Let Nature Take Its Course.

-Jimmy Fallon

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Sources Say The Obama

Jimmy Fallon

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Sources Say The Obama Administration Is In The 'final Stages' Of Planning The Closing Of Guantanamo Bay. The Way It's Gonna Work Is, They're Going To Put A Radio Shack Sign Out Front And Let Nature Take Its Course.

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An Internet Rumor Claims That John Kerry Had An Affair With A Young Woman. When Asked If This Was Similar To The Clinton-lewinsky Scandal, A Spokesman Said 'close, But No Cigar.'

Officials From The Soccer Organization Fifa, Which Decides Which Cities Get To Host The World Cup, Are Accused Of Accepting Bribes When Making Their Decision. Of Course The Toughest Part For The Soccer Officials Was Taking Bribes Without Using Their Hands.

John Mccain Addressed Critics Who Believe He Will Be Too Old To Run For A Sixth Term In The Senate, Saying That He's Still Healthy And Ready To Go. Then People Around Mccain Said, 'why Is He Talking To That Mannequin?'

Thank You, People Who Say 'wow, You're Really Photogenic,' For Not Saying What You Really Mean: 'wow, You're Really Ugly In Person.'

During His Weekly Address To The Nation, President Obama Discussed Higher Education And Said, 'the Most Important Skill You Can Sell Is Your Knowledge.' Or As English Majors Working At Starbucks Put It, 'no It's Not.'

Today Google Celebrated Its 13th Anniversary.... That's Right, Google Turned 13 Years Old. Which Explains Why Today When I Searched For Something, Google Was Just Like, "i Don't Know. Stop Asking Me Questions! I'm Going Upstairs.

This Week The Obama Administration Warned China To Remove Its Secret Agents From The U.s. Then In The Middle Of Obama's Announcement A Plant Behind Him Got Up And Walked Away.

A Pennsylvania Woman Convicted For Shoplifting Was Sentenced To Wear A Badge That Reads "convicted Shoplifter." However, Her Lawyers Hope To Plea Bargain Down To A Bumper Sticker Reading "i'd Rather Be Stealing!.

I'd Be Nothing Without My Wife. She's The Coolest. She's The Greatest. She Is The Smartest. She's The Funniest. I Love Her So Much. She's Like The - It's Like Your Best Friend For The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Your Best Friend

I Know What You Want. And I Know What You Need. But I'm Gonna Screw It Up, Yeah, Cause I'm An Idiot. And I'm Your Boyfriend.

You Run On The Treadmill. But You Need To Stop Watching The Food Network When You're Doing It. That Is How You Torture Yourself.

I'd Do Entire Music Videos In My Bedroom, Where I Used To Stand In Front Of My Television Memorizing The Moves To Michael Jackson's 'beat It.'

I Had A Gun And I Had To Run And Shoot, Which Is Not Easy.

In A New Interview, The President Discussed The Upcoming Election. He Said That Hillary Clinton Is Going To Do Great As A Presidential Candidate. When Asked How Biden Would Do, Obama Said, 'hillary's Going To Do Great.'

After President Obama Announced His Support For Net Neutrality Yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz Tweeted That 'net Neutrality Is Obamacare For The Internet.' While Ted Cruz Continues To Be The Taylor Swift Of Not Getting Over Obamacare.

You've Never Had A Job That You Thought Was Secure. You Don't Think The Tonight Show Is Risk Free. Especially When You Saw What Happened With Your Buddy Conan O'brien. There Is Always A Plan B.i Am Ready To Apply To The Post Office.

On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love Became The First Black Republican Woman Elected To Congress. She's Also A Mormon. Yeah, A Black Female Republican Mormon. Even Unicorns Are Saying, 'not Buyin' It.'

According To A New Poll, The Number Of Americans Who Trust Hillary Is Dropping. Specifically Into A Hole That Hillary Covered With Leaves.

Thank You, Yard Sales, For Being The Perfect Way To Say To Your Neighbors: We Think We're Important Enough To Charge Money For Our Garbage.

I'm On So Late I'm Definitely The Last Seconds Of Anyone's Attention. So I Just Want To Give Them Something Dumb To Laugh At, So They Go, 'that's Funny,' Then Fall Asleep.

Even The White House Is Weighing In On The Deflate-gate Scandal. Yesterday They Encouraged Tom Brady To 'be Mindful Of The Way He Serves As A Role Model.' And Then President Obama Stuffed Out His Cigarette And Went Golfing At Noon On A Weekday.

Now That The Midterm Elections Are Over, President Obama Has Invited Congressional Leaders From Both Parties To A Meeting At The White House Tomorrow. When Asked If He's Nervous, Obama Said, 'oh, I'm Not Going To Be There. I Just Invited Them Over. They Can Figure It Out Themselves.'

The Bp President Said Yesterday That The Company Would Survive. That's Like Someone Running Over Your Dog And Saying, 'don't Worry, My Car Is Fine.'

We Had The Guys From X Men 2 Do The Cameras. They Had A 360 Camera That Would Go From One Car, Up In The Air And Over To Another Car In A Continuous Shot While The Film Was Still Rolling, Going 90 Mph.

Hillary Clinton Made A Campaign Stop In Las Vegas Yesterday. She Said She Wants Citizenship For Undocumented Immigrants. But After Seeing Americans Celebrate Cinco De Mayo Yesterday, Immigrants Said, 'you Know What, We're Good. We're Gonna Head Back Now. We Had Enough.'

One Gop Congressman Named Carlos Curbelo Actually Suggested That Donald Trump May Be A 'phantom Candidate' That Has Been Planted By Democrats. The Dnc Strongly Denied This - While Hillary Said, 'crap, They Figured It Out! Take Off The Wig, Bill.'

Ten Delta Airlines Baggage Handlers Were Arrested For Smuggling Drugs Into Detroit. Yeah, You Can Tell Delta Was Involved, Because The Drugs Were Supposed To Be Smuggled Into Chicago.

Researchers Here In New York Created A Robot That Actually Passed A Self-awareness Test. So If You're Keeping Score, That's Robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0.

A Miami Judge Issued Florida's First Gay Marriage License Yesterday, Which Makes It The 36th State To Legally Perform Gay Marriages. Of Course, Most Florida Residents Are Too Old To Understand What That Means. They'll Say, 'well, I Think All Marriages Should Be Gay, And Merry.'

A House Panel In Texas Has Approved Full Marijuana Legalization For The State. Yeah, Meaning Texas Could Go From Having Dude Ranches To 'dude, Ranches.'

You Only Think Of The Best Comeback When You Leave.

I, Of Course, Wanted To Do Something With Drew Barrymore. Please. So We Were Reading Scripts Back And Forth And Then We Found This Script, Fever Pitch...

A Man In Georgia Was Arrested For Burglary After He Left His Facebook Account Open On The Victim's Computer. But This Is Nice: He's Only Been In Jail A Few Hours, And His Status Already Says "in A Relationship!

Republican Scott Brown Lost His Bid For Senate In New Hampshire Last Night, Two Years After He Was Voted Out As Senator In Massachusetts. When Asked What He Was Planning To Do Next, He Said, 'are They Still Looking For A Mayor In Toronto?'

New York Mayor Bill De Blasio Has Been Positioning Himself To Challenge Hillary Clinton For The Democratic Nomination. Hillary Once Developed A Program To Deliver Rural Healthcare, While De Blasio Once Dropped A Groundhog On Its Head.

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