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A House Panel In Texas Has Approved Full Marijuana Legalization For The State. Yeah, Meaning Texas Could Go From Having Dude Ranches To 'dude, Ranches.'

-Jimmy Fallon

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A House Panel In

Jimmy Fallon

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A House Panel In Texas Has Approved Full Marijuana Legalization For The State. Yeah, Meaning Texas Could Go From Having Dude Ranches To 'dude, Ranches.'

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One Of The Candidates At The Early Gop Debate, George Pataki, Said His Routine Before Every Debate Is To Drink A Diet Lemon Snapple Iced Tea And Pray. Which Is Also The Advice Chris Christie Gets From His Doctor.

In A Recent Attack Ad, The Nra Claims That President Obama Cares About His Own Children More Than He Cares About Other Children. In Response, President Obama Was Like, 'yeah, That's How Families Work.'

I Was Into The Mets Because My Dad Worked At Ibm Where He Got Free Mets Tickets, So I Was Into The Mets... Then I Got To 'saturday Night Live' Where My Boss Has Unbelievable N.y. Yankees Tickets, So He Invites Us To The Games. I'm Going To All The Games, So I Might As Well Root For The Team I'm Gonna Go Sit With.

Listening Is More Important Than Talking.

In A Recent Interview, Jeb Bush Revealed That His Brother George Gave Him The Nickname 'tortoise' Because He's Making Slow, Steady Progress. Though I Think The Bigger Story Here Is That Compared To George, Jeb Is The Slow One.

Hillary Clinton Is Receiving Criticism After Telling A Crowd To 'unlock Their Full Potential,' Because That Line Is Commonly Used By Another Possible Candidate, Carly Fiorina. People Said, 'you Can't Just Steal Someone's Slogan Like That!' And Hillary Said, 'yes We Can!'

Some Areas Near Dallas Experienced A 3.5-magnitude Earthquake, Which Some Blame On Fracking. However, Scientists Say That It Was More Likely Aftershocks From Chris Christie Celebrating At The Cowboys Game.

An Internet Rumor Claims That John Kerry Had An Affair With A Young Woman. When Asked If This Was Similar To The Clinton-lewinsky Scandal, A Spokesman Said 'close, But No Cigar.'

Now That The Midterm Elections Are Over, President Obama Has Invited Congressional Leaders From Both Parties To A Meeting At The White House Tomorrow. When Asked If He's Nervous, Obama Said, 'oh, I'm Not Going To Be There. I Just Invited Them Over. They Can Figure It Out Themselves.'

Researches Tested A New Form Of Medical Marijuana That Treats Pain But Doesn't Get The User High, Prompting Patients Who Need Medical Marijuana To Declare, 'thank You?'

After Months Of Negotiations, Iran Has Finally Agreed To Reduce Its Nuclear Weapons Program. Which Was Great Until Putin Showed Up And Said, 'hi, I'm Here About Craigslist Ad For Nukes.'

A New Study Found That A Mother's Diet Affects Her Baby's Allergies. Which Can Only Mean One Thing: My Mom Ate Cats.

A House Panel In Texas Has Approved Full Marijuana Legalization For The State. Yeah, Meaning Texas Could Go From Having Dude Ranches To 'dude, Ranches.'

Hillary Clinton Used A Private Email Account To Conduct Official State Business. Experts Say That If This Violates Any Federal Rules, Then She . . . Will Still Be President.

Apple Is Developing A Service Called Home Kit That Will Allow People To Operate Gadgets Like Garage Openers And Thermostats Through One App. In Related News, Please Don't Tell My Parents About This. I Can't Be Explaining This Stuff Every Week.

Thank You... 'real Housewives Of Atlanta,' For Demonstrating A Universal Truth: Idiots Like Me Will Always Watch Idiots Like You Fight On Tv. You Will Forever Be In My Tivo.

The Heroic New York Doctor Who Caught Ebola Has Been Declared Ebola Free. President Obama Called The Doctor To Thank Him For His Selflessness And Compassion. Then To Be Safe, Obama Threw His Phone In A Trash Can And Lit It On Fire.

I Feel Like I'm Being Too Zen. I'm Inhaling Too Much Patchouli And Incense. It's Embarrassing.

I Haven't Been On A Date In Awhile. I Went On Maybe Two Dates In My Whole Life.

A Man In Georgia Was Arrested For Burglary After He Left His Facebook Account Open On The Victim's Computer. But This Is Nice: He's Only Been In Jail A Few Hours, And His Status Already Says "in A Relationship!

Donald Trump Got In Some Trouble For Saying That John Mccain Is Not A War Hero, And Said, 'i Like People That Weren't Captured.' Not Good. In Fact, Trump's People Are Telling Him To Lay Low For A While Until This All Combs Over.

Bernie Sanders' Presidential Campaign Announced That It Raised Over $1.5 Million In The 24 Hours After He Announced His Bid. Meanwhile, A 12-year-old On Kickstarter Just Raised $7 Million In Five Minutes After Announcing His Idea For Juice Box Water Guns.

Thank You... Adjustable Baseball Caps With No Logo On The Front And Mesh Netting In The Back, For Being A Great Way To Say, 'hi, I'm Over 80 Years Old.'

A New Poll Found That Almost 70 Percent Of Voters Say That Whoever Our Next President Is, They Must Have Political Experience. You Know, Because It Would Be Rude To Say 'anyone But Donald Trump.'

I Got My Shot At The Movies. I Love Doing Standup Live. I Didn't Know What I Wanted To Do. I Wanted To Try Movies, So I Gave It A Shot. I Had Two Shots And I Didn't Really Do It. That Wasn't Really Happening For Me. On The Second Movie I Got To Meet The Girl That Would Be My Wife. So I Got To Hang Out With Her And Get Engaged, And Get The Whole Wedding Thing. It Was Really Great.

The Man Who Invented Doritos Has Passed Away At The Age Of 97. He Asked To Be Buried With The Creator Of Fritos And Cheetos In A Variety Pack.

President Obama Finally Has His Own Personal Twitter Account. Even John Mccain Said, 'welcome To The Internet, Grandpa.'

I Didn't Act Like I Was There. I Just Got Into The Story.

Mary-kate And Ashley Olsen Attended A Fundraiser For Hillary Clinton In New York City This Week. Hillary Told Them, 'good Luck With The Reboot Of Your '90s Show.' And They Said, 'thanks. Good Luck With Yours.'

In A Two-hour Interview Last Friday, Bruce Jenner Told Abc's Diane Sawyer, 'for All Intents And Purposes, I'm A Woman.' At Which Point, Joe Biden Ran In And Started Giving Bruce A Shoulder Rub.

President Obama Spent Election Day Away From Any Press Coverage, Attending Closed-door Meetings Inside The White House. But On The Bright Side, It Is Nice To See Some Doors Actually Closed At The White House. It's A Whole New Secret Service Security Thing.

Republicans Also Took Control Of The Senate After Gaining Another Seven Seats. I Haven't Seen The Gop Get This Many Seats Since Chris Christie Made An Airline Reservation.

George W. Bush Gave A Commencement Speech At Southern Methodist University This Weekend. It Was Pretty Inspirational. He Said, 'as I Like To Tell The 'c' Students, You Too Can Be President.' Even George W. Bush Has George W. Bush Comedy Material In His Act.

Thank You... Motion Sensor Hand Towel Machine. You Never Work, So I Just End Up Looking Like I'm Waving Hello To A Wall Robot.

It Was Announced Today That Iran Has Reached A Deal With The U.s. To Limit Its Nuclear Program And Send Most Of Its Uranium To Russia. Then Americans Said, 'that's Great! Wait, What?'

Thank You... Preseason Football, For Having All The Excitement, Commercials, And Time-outs Of The Regular Season, But With None Of The Mattering. I Appreciate It. Thank You.

It's Something I Worry About When I'm Working Out. I Don't Want To Get Too Fit. Because I Don't Want The New Davinci Of This Millennium To Say, "you. I Have Found My Muse. I Have To Sculpt You."

There's Always Going To Be Someone Out There... Who Doesn't Believe In You Or Who Thinks Your Head Is Too Big Or You're Not Smart Enough. But Those Are The People You Need To Ignore, And Those Are The Times You Need To Just Keep Doing What You Love Doing.

Donald Trump Announced That He's Running For President. During His Speech He Told The Crowd That If Elected He Would Be 'the Greatest Jobs President That God Ever Created.' Then God Said, 'hey, Don't Drag Me Into This Publicity Stunt.'

President Obama Broke A World Record After He Reached A Million Followers On Twitter In Just Five Hours. The Only Guys Not Following Obama? His Secret Service Agents. They Lost Track Months Ago.

A Girl In New York Whose Parents Were On Wife Swap Is Suing The Show For 100-million Dollars For Making Her Look Like A Spoiled Brat. Note To Girl: Guess What Else Makes You Look Like A Spoiled Brat? Being 15 And Suing For A Hundred Million Dollars.

Jeb Bush Is Facing Criticism After It Was Just Revealed That He Checked Off His Race As 'hispanic' On A Voter Registration Form Back In 2009. When Asked If He Regrets It Now, Bush Said, 'si.'

New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter Said That He Is Open To Letting Transgender People Serve In The Military. He Said There's No Reason To Prevent People From Being Generals Just Because Of Their Privates.

In A Speech In Texas, Donald Trump Called Hillary Clinton 'easily The Worst Secretary Of State In The History Of Our Country.' When Asked What He Based That On, Trump Said, 'i Heard Me Say It Just Now. So It's Gotta Be True.'

Japan And South Korea Are On High Alert After North Korea Successfully Launched A Long-range Rocket. Both Countries Are Surprised By North Korea's Successful Launch, But Definitely Not As Surprised As North Korea.

A Massive Power Outage In Washington, D.c., Today Affected A Number Of Federal Buildings, Including The White House. When Asked When They Could Restore Power To The White House, Officials Said, '2016?'

I Just Really Don't Like Being The Center Of Attention That Much. It's Kind Of Ironic.

Center Of Attention

One Gop Congressman Named Carlos Curbelo Actually Suggested That Donald Trump May Be A 'phantom Candidate' That Has Been Planted By Democrats. The Dnc Strongly Denied This - While Hillary Said, 'crap, They Figured It Out! Take Off The Wig, Bill.'

That's Right, Mitt Romney Took On Evander Holyfield In A Boxing Match For Charity, And It Was A Pretty One-sided Fight. But It Was Still Not The Worst Boxing Match We've Seen This Month. This Weekend Vladimir Putin Played In An Exhibition Hockey Game With Some Former Nhl Players And Scored Eight Goals. Even Evander Holyfield And Mitt Romney Said, 'that Looks Fake.'

No-one Gets Beaten To Death Quite Like Hilary Swank

Republican Ted Cruz Announced That He Will Run For President In 2016. So Finally, Carnival Is No Longer The Most Dangerous Cruise In America.

The Favorite To Win The Olympic Gold Medal In Archery Is A Legally Blind Athlete From South Korea, Mainly Because Everyone Else Is Too Scared To Compete Next To Him.

Sandler's Always Good. Tom Hanks Gave Me Some Good Advice.

The Acting Director Of The Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, Said They May Make The Fence Around The White House Taller Because Of The Recent Security Failures. When Asked If He Had Any Other Ideas, He Said, 'uh, Make The Sidewalk Lower?'

I Had A Gun And I Had To Run And Shoot, Which Is Not Easy.

Donald Trump Told Abc News That If He Had Oprah As A Running Mate, They Could Easily Win. Although You Know Who'd Definitely Win? Oprah Without Donald Trump.

Iran Said It Will Give Up Trying To Make A Nuclear Weapon. But It Got Awkward When Iran Said, 'but Just For Lent. We'll Start Again On Monday.'

A Miami Judge Issued Florida's First Gay Marriage License Yesterday, Which Makes It The 36th State To Legally Perform Gay Marriages. Of Course, Most Florida Residents Are Too Old To Understand What That Means. They'll Say, 'well, I Think All Marriages Should Be Gay, And Merry.'

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Is Going To Israel. He's Going To Be Pretty Disappointed When He Finds Out The Gaza Strip Isn't A Steak.

I Think You Just Look For The Person You Have The Most Fun With. And That's Enough. You Realize, "wait, I Can Just Keep Having Fun With Her Forever?" Yes, You Can Do That. That Is The Key.

A New Study Found That Women Think Men Holding A Guitar Are More Attractive, Even If They Are Not Playing It. In A Related Story, Guys With An Accordion Will Die Alone.

Thank You, People Who Say 'wow, You're Really Photogenic,' For Not Saying What You Really Mean: 'wow, You're Really Ugly In Person.'

Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Announced That He's Endorsing Mitt Romney For President. It's Good News For Romney. I Mean, You Always Want Chris Christie On Your Side. Unless You're In A Canoe.

During A Recent Press Conference, Former President Jimmy Carter Said He Could Never Run For President Today Because He Doesn't Have A Lot Of Money. Well, That And The Fact That He's The Famously Bad President Jimmy Carter.

A New Poll Also Shows That A Majority Of People In Colorado Think Hillary Clinton Is Not Trustworthy. Although, That's Not Saying Much Coming From The Most Paranoid State In America. 'hillary Clinton? She's A Cop?'

I Love Nashville. I've Been Here So Many Times... Oh Man, I Would Stay Here For A Year If I Could. It's Just So Much Fun.

John Mccain Addressed Critics Who Believe He Will Be Too Old To Run For A Sixth Term In The Senate, Saying That He's Still Healthy And Ready To Go. Then People Around Mccain Said, 'why Is He Talking To That Mannequin?'

You Gotta Risk It To Get The Biscuit.

Shouldn't Every Day Be Earth Day? I Mean, What Are Our Options?

Today, Mitt Romney Visited A Firehouse Here In New York City. Of Course, He Was Disappointed When He Learned That A Firehouse Isn't A House Where You Get To Fire People.

I Like Video Games, I Like Tech, I Like Being Positive.

Thinking About All That - What It Means To Be Happy - I Think It Overloaded Your Brain.

President Obama Just Made His First Presidential Trip To The State Of Utah. Obama Spent His Time In Utah Just Like You'd Expect - Telling People, 'uh, No, I Don't Play For The Jazz.'

A Pennsylvania Woman Convicted For Shoplifting Was Sentenced To Wear A Badge That Reads "convicted Shoplifter." However, Her Lawyers Hope To Plea Bargain Down To A Bumper Sticker Reading "i'd Rather Be Stealing!.

In Celebration Of Mother's Day Yesterday, President Obama Called Three Moms Who Had Written Him Letters. Then Kids Who Made Their Mom A Macaroni Necklace Said, 'thanks, Obama.'

Ten Delta Airlines Baggage Handlers Were Arrested For Smuggling Drugs Into Detroit. Yeah, You Can Tell Delta Was Involved, Because The Drugs Were Supposed To Be Smuggled Into Chicago.

When Nbc Told Me I Got The Job, I Asked, 'can We Do It From New York?' There Was Just Silence On The Phone

During A Charity Boxing Match On Friday, Mitt Romney Lasted Two Rounds Against Evander Holyfield And Raised A Million Dollars. It Was Just Like Holyfield's Fight With Mike Tyson, Except Romney Chewed Off His Other Ear Talking About His 18 Grandchildren.

I Remember People Saying To Us, "you're Too Nice. Hollywood Is Going To Eat You Up And Spit You Out." I Never Listened To Them.

Donald Trump Said He Still Wants To Look More Closely At Obama's Birth Certificate To Make Sure That It's Real. Incidentally, President Obama Said The Same Exact Thing About Donald Trump's Hair.

Three Of Donald Trump's Kids Have Come Forward To Defend Him, And Called Him 'an Incredible Dad And Role Model.' Donald Was So Moved That He Wrote One Of Them Back Into His Will. 'i'm Not Gonna Tell You Which One . . . It's Donald Jr.'

President Obama Is Launching A New $6 Billion Space Policy That Will Ultimately Take Astronauts To Mars. Of Course, It's $6 Billion And $45 If The Astronauts Have A Carry-on.

I Didn't Think It Was Going To Be This Fun. But Everything Just Gets Heightened When You Have A Baby. The Volume Gets Turned Up On Life. I Never Knew I Could Be This Happy, And That's The Truth.

Yesterday The Supreme Court Lifted The Ban On Same-sex Marriage In Kansas. They Didn't Give A Reason For The Ruling, But Then Again When A State Is Famous For A Judy Garland Musical About A Rainbow And A Wizard Who Comes Out Of A Closet, Do You Really Need An Excuse?

Father's Day Is Important Because, Besides Being The Day On Which We Honor Dad, It's The One Day Of The Year That Brookstone Does Any Business.

Everyone Looks So Much Better When They Smile.

President Obama Awarded A National Medal Of Arts To Author Stephen King. You Know, Because If There's Anyone Who Can Relate To The Story Of A Guy Trapped In A Mansion That's Driving Him Insane, It's Obama.

This Weekend President Obama Attended The Annual Gridiron Club Dinner, And During His Speech He Joked That He Is Getting Older And Crankier. Which Explains Why He Announced He No Longer Supports President Obama.

I'm Going To North Pole To Help Out Santa This Year.

I Saw That On Small Business Saturday, The President Went Shopping At A Bookstore And Bought 17 Books, Including "the Laughing Monsters," "being Mortal," And "heart Of Darkness." Or As The Cashier Put It, "you Ok, Man? Maybe A Little 'chicken Soup For The Presidential Soul?'

There Are Reports That Leaders From Isis And Al-qaida Met At A Farm House In Syria Last Week, And Agreed To Work Together Against Their Common Enemies. That Story Again: Two Radical Terrorist Groups Managed To Do What Two American Political Parties Cannot.

We Had The Guys From X Men 2 Do The Cameras. They Had A 360 Camera That Would Go From One Car, Up In The Air And Over To Another Car In A Continuous Shot While The Film Was Still Rolling, Going 90 Mph.

I Don't Shoot Guns. I Don't Know How To Do That. I Grew Upstate New York, So I Fought With My Fists.

According To A New Poll, Republicans Are More Likely To Have A Doughnut For Breakfast, While Democrats Prefer To Eat Bagels And Croissants. While Independents Are That Annoying Friend Who's Still Looking At The Menu After 15 Minutes.

Ben Carson Actually Lost A Tooth. Which Explains Why He Said That Under His Leadership, Americans Would Be Entitled To 'life, Liberty, And The Purthuit Of Happineth.'

During A Recent Interview, President Obama Revealed That His Favorite Movie This Year Was 'boyhood.' It Makes Sense. If There's One Thing Obama Can Identify With, It's Aging Several Years Over The Course Of A Couple Of Hours.

There Are Reports That Kim Jong Un Climbed North Korea's Highest Mountain. Kim Jong Un Said All It Took To Climb That Mountain Was Hard Work, Determination, And Lying About Climbing That Mountain.

Rand Paul Is Taking A Week-long Break From Talking To The Media To Spend Time With His Family Before He Officially Announces That He Is Running For President. Because Nothing Motivates You To Be On The Road For Two Straight Years Like A Week Alone With Your Family.

I Wanted To Be The Next Dana Carvey. This Was My Ultimate Goal. If I Ever Cut Into A Birthday Cake And Made A Wish, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Threw A Coin Into A Fountain, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Saw A Shooting Star, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.'

Big News From Last Night's Republican Debate, You Guys. It Turns Out George Bush Was Actually The Smart Texas Governor.

Yesterday, The Supreme Court Spent Over An Hour Listening To Arguments On Whether Obamacare Is Unconstitutional. Yeah, Listening To Arguments About Obamacare For An Hour, Or As Most People Call That, 'thanksgiving Dinner.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Publicist Told Usa Today That The Actor Has Not Ruled Out Running For Governor Of California, Saying That He Will Make A Decision Soon. Reportedly Arnold Needs That Time To Learn How To Pronounce 'gubernatorial.'

Republican Scott Brown Lost His Bid For Senate In New Hampshire Last Night, Two Years After He Was Voted Out As Senator In Massachusetts. When Asked What He Was Planning To Do Next, He Said, 'are They Still Looking For A Mayor In Toronto?'

Lincoln Chafee, Former Governor Of Rhode Island, Announced He's Running For President. Before He Announced He's Running, His Wife Went On Facebook And Asked His Staff If They Remembered His Password. Because If A Facebook Password Is Too Hard To Remember, The Launch Codes For The Nukes Should Be A Piece Of Cake.

Oh Here's An Idea: Let's Make Pictures Of Our Internal Organs And Give Them To Other People We Love On Valentine's Day. That's Not Weird At All.

Funny Valentines Day

Thank You, Horseradish, For Being Neither A Radish Nor A Horse. What You Are Is A Liar Food.

I Saw That Donald Trump Is Selling His Penthouse Suite At The Trump Park Avenue Building Here In New York City For $21 Million. When Asked Why He's Selling It Now, Trump Said 'hey, Americans Seem To Be Buying Everything Else I'm Selling, So Why Not Strike While The Iron's Hot.'

Trump Is Running For President And He's Wasting No Time Getting Down To Business. In Fact, Just After His Announcement He Demanded To See Jeb Bush's Birth Certificate.

Vladimir Putin Bribed A Soccer Official With A Picasso Painting So He Would Support Russia's Bid To Host The 2018 World Cup. Putin Was Like, 'it Wasn't Picasso, Just Picture Of What His Face Would Look Like If He Said No.' (nose Over Here, Eye Up Here, Ear In Forehead.)

A Group Called The Texas Tea Party Patriots Is Hosting A Debate Next Month Where Newt Gingrich And Herman Cain Will Go Head To Head, While People Watching That Will Go Head To Pillow.

Earlier This Week Donald Trump Gave An Interview With Cnn At A Winery He Owns In Virginia. It Turns Out Trump's Winery Makes Two Different Kinds Of Wine: White Wine And Not-white Wine.

During His Weekly Address To The Nation, President Obama Discussed Higher Education And Said, 'the Most Important Skill You Can Sell Is Your Knowledge.' Or As English Majors Working At Starbucks Put It, 'no It's Not.'

I Read That As Marijuana Legalization Becomes More Popular, It Could Affect The Jobs Of Drug-sniffing Dogs. Or As Those Dogs Put It, 'thanks, Bo Obama.'

Hillary Clinton Wrote An Op-ed For A Paper In Iowa About Her Plans To Help The Middle Class. Middle-class Americans Said, 'why Didn't You Just Say That In A Speech?' And She Said, 'because I Charge $200,000 For A Speech.'

A New Study Found That Women Gain More Weight After Marriage, But Men Gain More Weight After A Divorce. Yeah, The Divorce Usually Takes Place After Men Point Out That Women Gained More Weight After Marriage.

Both President Obama And Former President George W. Bush Were Interviewed On 'face The Nation' Over The Weekend. President Bush Said There's A 50 Percent Chance His Brother Jeb Will Run For President In 2016. Then He Said, 'but There's An 80 Percent Chance He Won't.'

The Tsa's Airport Body Scanners Have Been Shown To Be So Ineffective, The Homeland Security Chairman Suggested Using Traditional Metal Detectors. While Laguardia Will Continue To Just Have A Scarecrow Dressed As A Cop.

Tomorrow President Obama Will Host Nascar Racing Champion Kevin Harvick At The White House. They Both Said They Look Forward To Spending An Hour Or Two Not Having The Slightest Interest In What The Other Is Saying.

A 99-year-old Man Is Filing For Divorce From His 96-year-old Wife, Making Them The World's Oldest Divorced Couple. It's Got To Be Weird When A Divorce Lawyer Is Fighting For Your Kids To Get Custody Of You.

Yesterday On Cnn, Joe Biden Said He Hasn't Made Up His Mind About Whether He'll Run For President In 2016. Which Raises The Question: 'who Was Raising That Question?'

In A New Interview, Herman Cain Said That If Rick Perry Were An Ice Cream Flavor, He'd Be 'rocky Road.' I Don't Know, Perry's Not Really Any Flavor Of Ice Cream. He's Just The Brain Freeze Part.

According To A New Poll, 48 Percent Of Americans Believe That Hillary Clinton Is Honest And Trustworthy. Then Hillary Said, 'actually I Just Made That Poll Up.'

A New Study Found That Americans Are Exercising More Than Ever But Still Not Losing Much Weight. Not Good In Fact, It's All I Could Think About On My Jog To Dunkin' Donuts.

They're Making A Movie About Barack And Michelle Obama's First Date, Called 'southside With You,' And The Producers Say They've Already Cast Someone To Play Young Barack Obama. Now, I'm Not Saying The President Has Aged A Lot But That Young Actor Is Morgan Freeman.

New Scientist Magazine Reported That In The Future, Cars Could Be Powered By Hazelnuts. That's Encouraging, Considering An Eight-ounce Jar Of Hazelnuts Costs About Nine Dollars. Yeah, I've Got An Idea For A Car That Runs On Bald Eagle Heads And Faberge Eggs.

President Obama Became The First Sitting President To Visit A Federal Prison Yesterday. Obama Said It Was A Good Chance To Talk About Prison Reform, And To Catch Up With So Many Former Congressmen.

Politicians Are Really Getting Desperate. In Fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid Sent Out A Final Fundraising Email To Democrats With The Subject Line, 'i'm Begging.' Because What Better Way To Show You're A Strong Leader Than Acting Like You're Drunk And Dialing Your Ex?

Majority Leader

In A Recent Interview, John Mccain Addressed Trump's Campaign Rally In Arizona And Said That He Just Quote, 'fired Up The Crazies.' Not To Be Confused With Trump's Show 'celebrity Apprentice,' Where He Just Fired The Crazies.

This Week Bill Clinton Tweeted A Photo Of Himself Reading George W. Bush's New Book '41.' Then George W. Bush Responded To That Post On Instagram. Then John Mccain Said 'you Two Are Hilarious' By Telegraph.

A New Poll Found That 43 Percent Of Americans Think President Obama Is Doing A Good Job At Handling The Bp Oil Spill. Of Course, The Same Poll Found That 43 Percent Of Americans Hate Pelicans.

This Morning My Dad Called Me Up And Said, 'so, Tonight's Your Last Show, Huh.' And I Said, 'no, Dad, That's Someone Else.'

Congrats To Prince William And Kate Middleton, Who Welcomed A Baby Girl On Saturday. The Royal Baby Weighed Eight Pounds - Or Around 12 American Dollars.

It's Friday. That's One Reason To Celebrate. Also, It's The First Day In A Long Time When No One Declared They're Running For President.

I Can Watch An Episode Of Jerry Seinfeld, And By The End, I'm Just Walking Around My House, You Know, Talking Like Jerry Seinfeld. 'what Is That? What Are You Doing? Who Is It? What's Going' - You Know, I Just Had That Thing, When I Grew Up, I'd Just Start Talking Like People. You Know, I Always Had That.

We Picked The Red Sox Because They Lose. If You Root For Something That Loses For 86 Years, You're A Pretty Good Fan. You Don't Have To Win Everything To Be A Fan Of Something.

President Obama Said That If He Could Have Any Superpower, He'd Want The Ability To Speak Any Language. That's So Everyone In The World Could Tell Him He Picked One Of The Lamest Possible Superpowers.

The U.s. Is Re-establishing Relations With Cuba. But Before President Obama Can Lift The Embargo, It Will Need Approval From The Republican-controlled Congress - Or As Republicans Who Called Obama Said, 'close, But No Cigar.'

In Her New Book, Sarah Palin Says She Once Gave Up Chocolate For An Entire Year Just To Prove She Could Do It. Still Think She's Not Qualified To Be President?

Even The White House Is Weighing In On The Deflate-gate Scandal. Yesterday They Encouraged Tom Brady To 'be Mindful Of The Way He Serves As A Role Model.' And Then President Obama Stuffed Out His Cigarette And Went Golfing At Noon On A Weekday.

Today President Obama Gave A Major Speech Where He Defended His Handling Of The Economy. And There Were Tons Of People In The Audience, You Know, Since Nobody Had To Be At Work.

Ted Cruz Raised Over A Million Dollars After Announcing That He's Running For President. Which Is Why Today Radioshack Announced That It Is Also Running For President.

A Top Aide To Donald Trump Says He Quit The Campaign This Weekend Because Of Trump's Public Feuds, But Trump Said He Was Fired. When Asked What He Was Fired For, Trump Said, 'quitting!'

You Only Think Of The Best Comeback When You Leave.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Just Signed A Bill That Bans Powdered Alcohol From The State. So If You Live In New York And You're Consuming Powdered Alcohol, Your Life Just Somehow Got Even Worse.

In Several Speeches And Interviews, Donald Trump Has Brought Up His Book 'the Art Of The Deal,' And Said That Obama Would Have Negotiated A Better Deal With Iran If He Had Read It. It Got Even More Awkward For Obama When Iran Was Like, 'it Worked For Us - You Guys Got Screwed!'

Republican Candidate Ben Carson Told Reporters He Thinks American Prisons Might Be Too Comfortable. As Opposed To Mexican Prisons That Have Personal Showers With $5 Million Escape Tunnels.

If You're A Sports Fan You Realize That When You Meet Somebody, Like A Girlfriend, They Kind Of Have To Root For Your Team. They Don't Have A Choice.

Vladimir Putin Celebrated His 63rd Birthday Today. He Had A Nice Party, But It Got Awkward When Two Of His Friends Got Him The Same Country.

In Pakistan Anti-american Protesters Set A Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant On Fire. The Protesters Mistakenly Thought They Were Attacking High-ranking U.s. Military Official Colonel Sanders.

The White House Encouraged Tom Brady To Be More Of A Role Model. They Would've Said More, But There Was A Drunken Secret Service Agent Streaking Across The Rose Garden.

Sometimes In A Movie, The Lines Are So Perfect.

I Like Living With Myself. I Mean Obviously, Because Here I Am Interviewing Myself.

You Run On The Treadmill. But You Need To Stop Watching The Food Network When You're Doing It. That Is How You Torture Yourself.

It Was Just Revealed That Donald Trump Hasn't Voted In Primary Elections In Over 20 Years. Or In Simpler Terms, Trump Hasn't Voted In Primary Elections In Over Three Wives.

I Just Heard About A Woman In Germany Who Just Gave Birth To A Baby Boy Named "jihad." Or As The Tsa Put It, "hope You Like Amtrak!

In An Interview, President Obama Said He Recently Deejayed A Small Dance Party At The White House. Obama Has A Lot In Common With Deejays. He Takes Requests And Then Completely Ignores Them.

A Man In Thailand Was Arrested With More Than 10,000 Pairs Of Stolen Underwear. Legal Experts Are Expecting A Brief Trial.

Hillary Clinton's Younger Brother Tony Is Facing Criticism For Using The Clintons' Political Connections To Help His Career. So On The Down Side, She Has A Sketchy Brother Named Tony. On The Up Side, She Just Locked Up Every Vote In New Jersey.

The Film 'boyhood' Won The Golden Globe For Best Drama. It Follows One Guy's Journey Over The Course Of 12 Years - Or As Mitt Romney Calls That, 'running For President.'

Steven Spielberg Is Going To Release A Biopic About Abraham Lincoln Next Year. Right, That's A Good Way To Honor Lincoln By Sending People To The Theater.

Facebook Revealed That Ebola Was The Most Popular Facebook Topic In The U.s. This Year, With The World Cup Coming In Sixth. So Welcome To America, Where Even Ebola Is More Popular Than Soccer.

Disney World Is Celebrating Its 40th Birthday! You Can Tell The Characters Are Getting Old. In Addition To Snow White's Seven Dwarfs, She Now Has 25 Cats.

The Fans Were So Psyched That Someone Was Doing A Movie About A Boston Fan That They Were Giving Their All.

I Remember Watching Soulja Boy On Youtube Over And Over Again To Prepare For It. For The First One, I Was Up All Night In My Kitchen, Practicing The Dance, Because I Knew I Had To Dance With Timberlake And That Guy Can Dance.

The Department Of Agriculture Announced That It Will Ban Six New Strains Of E. Coli. Which Explains Why The Hot Dog Vendor Outside My Building Is Now Just Selling Napkins.

There Couldn't Have Been A Better Hollywood Ending For Us. It's Beyond Baseball. It's Rooting For Your Family.

John Mccain Responded To Critics Who Say He's Too Old For A Sixth Term By Saying That His Mother Is 103 Years Old And Doing Well. The Crazy Thing Is That Even She Is Somehow Younger Than John Mccain.

Whenever I'm Stuck In Traffic, I Can't Help But Wonder, 'where Did The Creator Of The Jetsons Go, And Why Hasn't He Done Something About This?'

Another Scandal For Hillary Clinton - They're Saying She Used A Private Email Address When She Was Secretary Of State, Which Means The Government Couldn't Archive And Preserve Her Emails. Then Obama Said, 'don't Worry, We Saw Them. We See Everyone's Emails.'

A Recent Study Shows That Standing At Work For Long Periods Of Time Is Bad For You, After Earlier Research Indicated That Sitting For Too Long At Work Is Bad For You. So Really The Only Thing We Know Is, Work Is Bad For You.

I Like To See People Laugh Who Are Normally Serious.

Listening Is More Important Than Talking. Just Hit Your Mark And Believe What You Say. Just Listen To People And React To What They Are Saying.

Rand Paul Is Officially Running For President. He Even Revealed His Campaign Slogan, Which Is 'defeat The Washington Machine. Unleash The American Dream.' It's Hard To Tell If He's Running For President Or Doing An Infomercial For Bowflex.

Sources Say The Obama Administration Is In The 'final Stages' Of Planning The Closing Of Guantanamo Bay. The Way It's Gonna Work Is, They're Going To Put A Radio Shack Sign Out Front And Let Nature Take Its Course.

A New Survey Found That 12 Percent Of Parents Punish Their Kids By Banning Social Networking Sites. The Other 88 Percent Punish Their Kids By Joining Social Networking Sites.

At A Recent Education Summit, President Obama Admitted That He Can't Rap. When They Heard, Americans Said, 'good!'

Over The Weekend It Came Out That The U.s. Has Been Listening In On German Chancellor Angela Merkel's Cellphone Since 2002. At This Point, I Feel Like The Only World Leader Our Government Doesn't Listen To Is President Obama.

The Senate Came One Vote Short Of Granting Approval To Build The Keystone Pipeline. Democrats Say The Pipeline Could Accelerate Global Warming. Then People Who've Been Outside Today Said, 'sounds Good To Me. Let's Accelerate That Global Warming.'

Keystone Pipeline

Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg Apparently Called President Obama Directly To Complain About Nsa And How It Spies On Ordinary Americans. That's Right, The Guy Who Runs Facebook Got Mad At The Nsa For Spying On People. Talk About The Pot Unfriending The Kettle!

Honestly, I Just Want To Keep People Awake. Or At Least Give You One Joke To Go To Bed With.

Officials From The Soccer Organization Fifa, Which Decides Which Cities Get To Host The World Cup, Are Accused Of Accepting Bribes When Making Their Decision. Of Course The Toughest Part For The Soccer Officials Was Taking Bribes Without Using Their Hands.

Joe Biden Went To Brazil In An Effort To Try And Repair America's Relationship With Their Government. Biden Said, 'it's Great To Be Here In The Amazon. I've Always Wanted To See Where All The Books Come From.'

President Obama Is Getting A New Limousine That Will Have Advanced Night-vision Capabilities. The Technology Even Has A Cool Name ... Headlights.

In A New Poll Of Democratic Voters, Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee Came In With Zero Percent Support. Or In Other Words: We're All Tied With Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders Is Expected To Announce Tomorrow That He Is Running For President, Making Him Hillary Clinton's Only Democratic Challenger So Far. Or As Hillary Put It, 'oooo, Appetizers!'

Happy Birthday To Arnold Palmer, Who Turned 82. That's 41 Years Iced Tea And 41 Years Lemonade.

Nissan Is Recalling Almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s To Address An Airbag Problem. When Toyota Heard That, They Said, 'airbags! I Knew We Forgot Something.'

The Bp President Said Yesterday That The Company Would Survive. That's Like Someone Running Over Your Dog And Saying, 'don't Worry, My Car Is Fine.'

People Are Being Really Picky About The Upcoming Election. I Read That Americans Do Not Want The Next President To Be A First-term Senator, Be Over 65, Or Have A Former President In The Family. Then The Secret Service Said, 'hey, Whoever Slips Through Slips Through. No Promises.'

In New York, There Are So Many Potholes, They're Like Craters On The Moon. That's Another Traffic Thing.

I'm Not A Big Baseball Fan, To Be Honest.

In An Interview Last Night, Rick Perry Criticized Mitt Romney For Flip-flopping On The Issues. Romney Said That Perry Has No Idea What He's Talking About. Then He Added, 'but He Does Know What He's Talking About.'

My Parents Were Kind Of Over Protective People. Me And My Sister Had To Play In The Backyard All The Time. They Bought Us Bikes For Christmas But Wouldn't Let Us Ride In The Street, We Had To Ride In The Backyard. Another Christmas, My Dad Got Me A Basketball Hoop And Put It In The Middle Of The Lawn! You Can't Dribble On Grass.

When I See Professional Clowns, Mimes, Or People Who Makes Ballon Animals, I Think Of Their Relatives And How Disappointed They Must Be.

L.a., Its Nice, But I Think Of Sunshine And People On Rollerblades Eating Sushi. New York, I Think Of Nighttime, I Think Of Times Square And Broadway And Nightlife And The City That Never Sleeps.

The Pentagon Banned The Army From Using Chinese-made Berets. In A More Veiled Slap At The Chinese, The Pentagon Also Banned Any Alternative Form Of Checkers.

Msnbc Host Lawrence O'donnell Is Saying Donald Trump Lied When He Said He Made $20 Million A Year Off His 'apprentice' Series On Nbc. Nbc Also Denied Trump's Claim, Saying, 'we Don't Have $20 Million. We're Nbc.'

When You Were A Kid, It [work In Ibm] Seemed Like An Awesome Job. I'd Get To Go To Work And Have A Briefcase. I Loved How Dad Wore A Tie And Got A Car. I Didn't Know If All Those Things Came Together. I'd See My Dad Go Off To Work And We'd Wait For Him To Come Home, And We'd All Be Excited To See Him.

John Walker Lindh, A Twenty-year-old American Studying In Pakistan, Was Captured In Northern Afghanistan Fighting For The Taliban. Experts Call It The Worst Semester Abroad Program Ever.

Today Google Celebrated Its 13th Anniversary.... That's Right, Google Turned 13 Years Old. Which Explains Why Today When I Searched For Something, Google Was Just Like, "i Don't Know. Stop Asking Me Questions! I'm Going Upstairs.

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