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President Obama Became The First Sitting President To Visit A Federal Prison Yesterday. Obama Said It Was A Good Chance To Talk About Prison Reform, And To Catch Up With So Many Former Congressmen.

-Jimmy Fallon

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President Obama Became The

Jimmy Fallon

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President Obama Became The First Sitting President To Visit A Federal Prison Yesterday. Obama Said It Was A Good Chance To Talk About Prison Reform, And To Catch Up With So Many Former Congressmen.

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Big News From Last Night's Republican Debate, You Guys. It Turns Out George Bush Was Actually The Smart Texas Governor.

The 'tonight Show' Didn't Seem Like An Actual Job That You Could Have. All You Remember Is You Watched Johnny Carson, And You Never Thought He Would Retire.

A Man In Thailand Was Arrested With More Than 10,000 Pairs Of Stolen Underwear. Legal Experts Are Expecting A Brief Trial.

When I See Professional Clowns, Mimes, Or People Who Makes Ballon Animals, I Think Of Their Relatives And How Disappointed They Must Be.

The White House Is Apparently Pushing To Create More Latino-themed Landmarks. Now That's In Addition To Our Current Latino-themed Landmark, California.

A New Survey Out Says 64 Percent Of Americans Own A Smartphone. Which Is Interesting Because In A Related Survey, 100 Percent Of Smart Phones Say They Own An American.

Hurricane Irene ... The Storm Was Huge News. In Fact, The Weather Channel Reported Something They Haven't Seen In Years. Viewers.

Nasa Is Developing Space Taxis To Shuttle Astronauts To The International Space Station. And Just Like New York Taxis, They're All Going To Be Driven By Aliens.

Officials From The Soccer Organization Fifa, Which Decides Which Cities Get To Host The World Cup, Are Accused Of Accepting Bribes When Making Their Decision. Of Course The Toughest Part For The Soccer Officials Was Taking Bribes Without Using Their Hands.

There Are Reports That Kim Jong Un Climbed North Korea's Highest Mountain. Kim Jong Un Said All It Took To Climb That Mountain Was Hard Work, Determination, And Lying About Climbing That Mountain.

Apparently President Obama's Favorite Cocktail Is A Martini. When Asked How He Likes It, He Said, 'on The Beach, In Hawaii, In 2017.'

Arizona Senator John Mccain Announced That He Plans On Running For A Sixth Term Because He Is Concerned About The Nation's Security. He Plans To Help Just Like Any Other 80-year-old: By Sitting On His Porch With A Police Scanner.

You're Sitting There, With Your Wife And Your Baby And Your Smiling Dog, And You're Watching Real Housewives Getting Into Fistfights On Tv. And You Go, 'how Great Is My Life? I'm So Happy Right Now.'

Hillary Clinton Has A $350 Billion Plan That She Says Will Make College More Affordable. Which Has To Be Better Than My Parents' Plan To Make College Affordable: 'be Good At Sports.'

Listening Is More Important Than Talking. Just Hit Your Mark And Believe What You Say. Just Listen To People And React To What They Are Saying.

This Week, A 95-year-old Woman Married A 98-year-old Man To Become The World's Oldest Newlyweds. They're Registered At Bed, Sponge Bath And Beyond.

President Obama Had Beer With Four Unemployed Construction Workers. And Obama Asked The Guys What Was It Like To Lose Their Jobs, And They Were Like, 'oh, You'll See.'

Construction Workers

Listening Is More Important Than Talking.

Today, President Obama Finally Met With Bp's Ceo, Tony Hayward, But The Meeting Was Only Scheduled 20 Minutes. Call Me Crazy, But I Think It Should Take More Time To Discuss An Oil Spill Than It Does To Get Your Oil Checked.

Both President Obama And Former President George W. Bush Were Interviewed On 'face The Nation' Over The Weekend. President Bush Said There's A 50 Percent Chance His Brother Jeb Will Run For President In 2016. Then He Said, 'but There's An 80 Percent Chance He Won't.'

L.a., Its Nice, But I Think Of Sunshine And People On Rollerblades Eating Sushi. New York, I Think Of Nighttime, I Think Of Times Square And Broadway And Nightlife And The City That Never Sleeps.

A Group Called The Texas Tea Party Patriots Is Hosting A Debate Next Month Where Newt Gingrich And Herman Cain Will Go Head To Head, While People Watching That Will Go Head To Pillow.

Democrats Have Been Doing Everything They Can To Get Young People And College Students To Vote In The Midterms. Though If You Want Students To Participate In Something, Maybe You Shouldn't Call Them Midterms.

In Pakistan Anti-american Protesters Set A Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant On Fire. The Protesters Mistakenly Thought They Were Attacking High-ranking U.s. Military Official Colonel Sanders.

The Pipeline Would Run From Canada To The Gulf Coast. It'll Be The Biggest Underground Structure Leading Into The U.s. Then People In Mexico Said, 'eh . . . Second Biggest.'

Politics Is Pop. Our Job As Comedians - Especially Me, As A Late-night Talk Show, Which Is A Broader Audience - Is To Amplify What We Think America Is Thinking.

Thank You... Motion Sensor Hand Towel Machine. You Never Work, So I Just End Up Looking Like I'm Waving Hello To A Wall Robot.

That's Right, Mitt Romney Took On Evander Holyfield In A Boxing Match For Charity, And It Was A Pretty One-sided Fight. But It Was Still Not The Worst Boxing Match We've Seen This Month. This Weekend Vladimir Putin Played In An Exhibition Hockey Game With Some Former Nhl Players And Scored Eight Goals. Even Evander Holyfield And Mitt Romney Said, 'that Looks Fake.'

Republicans In Congress Are Getting Concerned That President Obama Will Try To Use The Final Year Of His Term To Push Through Too Many Controversial Laws. Obama Would've Responded But He Was Busy Drafting His New 'mandatory Mexican Gay Weed' Bill.

Donald Trump's Campaign Has Raised About $100,000 In Donations During The Second Quarter. Which Raises An Important Question: Who Is Giving Donald Trump Money? That's Like Giving Your Money To A Pile Of Money.

The Tsa's Airport Body Scanners Have Been Shown To Be So Ineffective, The Homeland Security Chairman Suggested Using Traditional Metal Detectors. While Laguardia Will Continue To Just Have A Scarecrow Dressed As A Cop.

Over The Weekend It Came Out That The U.s. Has Been Listening In On German Chancellor Angela Merkel's Cellphone Since 2002. At This Point, I Feel Like The Only World Leader Our Government Doesn't Listen To Is President Obama.

There Are Reports That French President Francois Hollande Had An Affair With An Actress Who Is 18 Years Younger Than Him. It's Pretty Serious. Under French Law, He Could Face Up To 30 High Fives.

When I Was A Kid, You Would Tune In To "the Tonight Show" Before You Went To Sleep. Johnny Carson. A Big Treat. I Know It's A Privilege Of Mine To Be Able To Be In People's Homes. So I Hope I Make Everyone Proud, Including My Parents, And Do A Good Job In This.

I Just Really Don't Like Being The Center Of Attention That Much. It's Kind Of Ironic.

Center Of Attention

Over On The Democratic Side, Martin O'malley Recently Spoke About The Need For Wall Street Reform And Said That He Isn't Running For President To Be Quote, 'wined And Dined' By Executives. Then Chris Christie Said, 'and I Am Also Not Running To Be Wined.'

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Is Going To Israel. He's Going To Be Pretty Disappointed When He Finds Out The Gaza Strip Isn't A Steak.

In A New Interview, The President Discussed The Upcoming Election. He Said That Hillary Clinton Is Going To Do Great As A Presidential Candidate. When Asked How Biden Would Do, Obama Said, 'hillary's Going To Do Great.'

I Had A Gun And I Had To Run And Shoot, Which Is Not Easy.

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