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New York Mayor Bill De Blasio Has Been Positioning Himself To Challenge Hillary Clinton For The Democratic Nomination. Hillary Once Developed A Program To Deliver Rural Healthcare, While De Blasio Once Dropped A Groundhog On Its Head.

-Jimmy Fallon

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New York Mayor Bill

Jimmy Fallon

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New York Mayor Bill De Blasio Has Been Positioning Himself To Challenge Hillary Clinton For The Democratic Nomination. Hillary Once Developed A Program To Deliver Rural Healthcare, While De Blasio Once Dropped A Groundhog On Its Head.

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Thank You... Fantasy Football Draft, For Letting Me Know That Even In My Fantasies, I Am Bad At Sports.

My Parents Were Kind Of Over Protective People. Me And My Sister Had To Play In The Backyard All The Time. They Bought Us Bikes For Christmas But Wouldn't Let Us Ride In The Street, We Had To Ride In The Backyard. Another Christmas, My Dad Got Me A Basketball Hoop And Put It In The Middle Of The Lawn! You Can't Dribble On Grass.

The Pentagon Banned The Army From Using Chinese-made Berets. In A More Veiled Slap At The Chinese, The Pentagon Also Banned Any Alternative Form Of Checkers.

You Only Think Of The Best Comeback When You Leave.

The Big News Is The Midterm Elections. Last Night Republicans Picked Up A Dozen Seats In The House To Give Them Their Biggest Majority Since World War Ii. Or As They Put It, 'time To Party Like It's 1939!'

During A Charity Boxing Match On Friday, Mitt Romney Lasted Two Rounds Against Evander Holyfield And Raised A Million Dollars. It Was Just Like Holyfield's Fight With Mike Tyson, Except Romney Chewed Off His Other Ear Talking About His 18 Grandchildren.

We're Into Tech Stuff, Gadgets, Phones, Video Games. We'll Treat A Video Game Premiere Like A Movie Premiere. I'm Just Going To Be Honest With What I Like And What I Do. What I Enjoy. We're Not Going To Hide The Fact That People Are On The Internet All Day. I Think A Lot Of Shows Don't Really Mention That.

The Illinois Senate Passed A Bill On Wednesday To Legalize Medical Marijuana. The Bill Was Passed After The State Senator Said, 'come On, Dude, Pass It. Come On.'

On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love Became The First Black Republican Woman Elected To Congress. She's Also A Mormon. Yeah, A Black Female Republican Mormon. Even Unicorns Are Saying, 'not Buyin' It.'

I Never Sing In The Shower. It's Very Dangerous.

Thank You... Adjustable Baseball Caps With No Logo On The Front And Mesh Netting In The Back, For Being A Great Way To Say, 'hi, I'm Over 80 Years Old.'

The White House Encouraged Tom Brady To Be More Of A Role Model. They Would've Said More, But There Was A Drunken Secret Service Agent Streaking Across The Rose Garden.

Nasa Is Developing Space Taxis To Shuttle Astronauts To The International Space Station. And Just Like New York Taxis, They're All Going To Be Driven By Aliens.

The Favorite To Win The Olympic Gold Medal In Archery Is A Legally Blind Athlete From South Korea, Mainly Because Everyone Else Is Too Scared To Compete Next To Him.

That's Right, Mitt Romney Took On Evander Holyfield In A Boxing Match For Charity, And It Was A Pretty One-sided Fight. But It Was Still Not The Worst Boxing Match We've Seen This Month. This Weekend Vladimir Putin Played In An Exhibition Hockey Game With Some Former Nhl Players And Scored Eight Goals. Even Evander Holyfield And Mitt Romney Said, 'that Looks Fake.'

Vladimir Putin Celebrated His 63rd Birthday Today. He Had A Nice Party, But It Got Awkward When Two Of His Friends Got Him The Same Country.

If People Want To See You, They'll Find You. If They Don't See You On Tv, They'll Find You On The Internet.

Thank You... Apple, For Adding A Camera To The Ipod Nano. Now It's Just Like The Iphone Except It Can't Make Calls. So Basically, It's Just Like The Iphone.

Listening Is More Important Than Talking.

A New Report Claims That William Shakespeare Was A Marijuana User And May Have Been High When He Wrote Some Of His Plays. Which Explains That One Line: 'to Be, Or Not To Be . . . Wait, What Was The Question?'

It Was Announced Today That Iran Has Reached A Deal With The U.s. To Limit Its Nuclear Program And Send Most Of Its Uranium To Russia. Then Americans Said, 'that's Great! Wait, What?'

The White House Is Apparently Pushing To Create More Latino-themed Landmarks. Now That's In Addition To Our Current Latino-themed Landmark, California.

In A Speech In Texas, Donald Trump Called Hillary Clinton 'easily The Worst Secretary Of State In The History Of Our Country.' When Asked What He Based That On, Trump Said, 'i Heard Me Say It Just Now. So It's Gotta Be True.'

According To A New Poll, 48 Percent Of Americans Believe That Hillary Clinton Is Honest And Trustworthy. Then Hillary Said, 'actually I Just Made That Poll Up.'

During An Interview, Former President George W. Bush Discussed His Painting Hobby And Said, 'never Paint Your Wife Or Your Mother.' Then He Added, 'because It's Almost Impossible To Get The Paint Out Of Their Hair.'

The Federal Government Is Starting To Plan For Climate Change By Making Extended Forecasts That Can Help People Plan For Extreme Weather - Because What Can Go Wrong When You Combine The Efficiency Of Government With The Accuracy Of Weathermen?

A New Poll Also Shows That A Majority Of People In Colorado Think Hillary Clinton Is Not Trustworthy. Although, That's Not Saying Much Coming From The Most Paranoid State In America. 'hillary Clinton? She's A Cop?'

Got Bin Laden And Interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win For Obama All Around.

Sources Say The Obama Administration Is In The 'final Stages' Of Planning The Closing Of Guantanamo Bay. The Way It's Gonna Work Is, They're Going To Put A Radio Shack Sign Out Front And Let Nature Take Its Course.

Republican Candidate George Pataki Said His Dogs Would Give Him The Best Endorsement For Becoming Our Next President. Until They Hear Chris Christie Always Carries Bacon In His Pockets. (joke's On Them, Though, He's Never Going To Give Them Any Of That Pocket Bacon. It's What Gets Him Through Long Meetings!)

Democrats Have Been Doing Everything They Can To Get Young People And College Students To Vote In The Midterms. Though If You Want Students To Participate In Something, Maybe You Shouldn't Call Them Midterms.

The White House Announced That President Obama Will Attend A Summit In Kenya This July. When Asked If He's Ever Been To Kenya, Obama Said, 'of Course. I Was Born - No, Bored - Over There. There's Nothing To Do In Kenya.'

Yesterday President Obama Traveled To Jamaica, Where He Will Meet With Students And Caribbean Leaders. Jamaica's Such A Beautiful Place, Obama Says He Can't Wait To Just Take It All In, Hold It For Several Seconds, And Then Exhale.

Hurricane Irene ... The Storm Was Huge News. In Fact, The Weather Channel Reported Something They Haven't Seen In Years. Viewers.

In A New Campaign Ad, Jeb Bush Referenced 'the Godfather' And Said His Nickname Used To Be 'veto Corleone' Because He Vetoed So Many Bills In Florida. When You're The Third Person In Your Family To Run For President, Maybe You Shouldn't Bring Up A Movie Trilogy Where The Third One Was Clearly The Worst.

Some Areas Near Dallas Experienced A 3.5-magnitude Earthquake, Which Some Blame On Fracking. However, Scientists Say That It Was More Likely Aftershocks From Chris Christie Celebrating At The Cowboys Game.

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