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President Obama Spent Election Day Away From Any Press Coverage, Attending Closed-door Meetings Inside The White House. But On The Bright Side, It Is Nice To See Some Doors Actually Closed At The White House. It's A Whole New Secret Service Security Thing.

-Jimmy Fallon

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President Obama Spent Election

Jimmy Fallon

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President Obama Spent Election Day Away From Any Press Coverage, Attending Closed-door Meetings Inside The White House. But On The Bright Side, It Is Nice To See Some Doors Actually Closed At The White House. It's A Whole New Secret Service Security Thing.

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In An Interview, President Obama Said He Recently Deejayed A Small Dance Party At The White House. Obama Has A Lot In Common With Deejays. He Takes Requests And Then Completely Ignores Them.

Jeb Bush Is Facing Criticism After It Was Just Revealed That He Checked Off His Race As 'hispanic' On A Voter Registration Form Back In 2009. When Asked If He Regrets It Now, Bush Said, 'si.'

Newt Gingrich Plans To Announce His Campaign For President This Wednesday. I Don’t Know About His Chances. I Mean, I’m Not Saying Gingrich Peaked In The ‘90s, But His Campaign Is Being Sponsored By Tamagotchis And Crystal Pepsi.

My Parents Were Kind Of Over Protective People. Me And My Sister Had To Play In The Backyard All The Time. They Bought Us Bikes For Christmas But Wouldn't Let Us Ride In The Street, We Had To Ride In The Backyard. Another Christmas, My Dad Got Me A Basketball Hoop And Put It In The Middle Of The Lawn! You Can't Dribble On Grass.

Researchers In Canada Say They Have Discovered The Part Of The Brain That Is Used To Make Decisions, And This Is Weird: If You're Married, It's Actually Located In Your Wife's Brain.

A Top Aide To Donald Trump Says He Quit The Campaign This Weekend Because Of Trump's Public Feuds, But Trump Said He Was Fired. When Asked What He Was Fired For, Trump Said, 'quitting!'

During His Weekly Address To The Nation, President Obama Discussed Higher Education And Said, 'the Most Important Skill You Can Sell Is Your Knowledge.' Or As English Majors Working At Starbucks Put It, 'no It's Not.'

A 99-year-old Man Is Filing For Divorce From His 96-year-old Wife, Making Them The World's Oldest Divorced Couple. It's Got To Be Weird When A Divorce Lawyer Is Fighting For Your Kids To Get Custody Of You.

Today President Obama Gave A Major Speech Where He Defended His Handling Of The Economy. And There Were Tons Of People In The Audience, You Know, Since Nobody Had To Be At Work.

Success Is Just Happiness. When You Are Happy, That Is Success.

An Internet Rumor Claims That John Kerry Had An Affair With A Young Woman. When Asked If This Was Similar To The Clinton-lewinsky Scandal, A Spokesman Said 'close, But No Cigar.'

Officials From The Soccer Organization Fifa, Which Decides Which Cities Get To Host The World Cup, Are Accused Of Accepting Bribes When Making Their Decision. Of Course The Toughest Part For The Soccer Officials Was Taking Bribes Without Using Their Hands.

In A New Interview, Herman Cain Said That If Rick Perry Were An Ice Cream Flavor, He'd Be 'rocky Road.' I Don't Know, Perry's Not Really Any Flavor Of Ice Cream. He's Just The Brain Freeze Part.

President Obama Unveiled A $4 Trillion Budget For 2016 That Would Increase Taxes On The Wealthy And Spend More Money On Education. He Also Made A Snowball And Put It In The Oven, Just To See Which Would Last Longer, His Budget Or The Snowball.

Msnbc Host Lawrence O'donnell Is Saying Donald Trump Lied When He Said He Made $20 Million A Year Off His 'apprentice' Series On Nbc. Nbc Also Denied Trump's Claim, Saying, 'we Don't Have $20 Million. We're Nbc.'

Sandler's Always Good. Tom Hanks Gave Me Some Good Advice.

Donald Trump Told Abc News That If He Had Oprah As A Running Mate, They Could Easily Win. Although You Know Who'd Definitely Win? Oprah Without Donald Trump.

One Gop Congressman Named Carlos Curbelo Actually Suggested That Donald Trump May Be A 'phantom Candidate' That Has Been Planted By Democrats. The Dnc Strongly Denied This - While Hillary Said, 'crap, They Figured It Out! Take Off The Wig, Bill.'

According To A New Poll, 48 Percent Of Americans Believe That Hillary Clinton Is Honest And Trustworthy. Then Hillary Said, 'actually I Just Made That Poll Up.'

There Are Reports That If Joe Biden Runs For President, He Would Promise To Serve For Only One Term - Because Nothing Says Confidence Like Promising Your Presidency Would Be Over Quickly.

One Of The Candidates At The Early Gop Debate, George Pataki, Said His Routine Before Every Debate Is To Drink A Diet Lemon Snapple Iced Tea And Pray. Which Is Also The Advice Chris Christie Gets From His Doctor.

A Clothing Company Is Making T-shirts Inspired By Bernie Sanders With Messages Like 'feel The Bern.' They Were Gonna Make Them For Lincoln Chafee Too, But No One Wants To Wear A Shirt That Says 'feel The Chafee.'

There's Always Going To Be Someone Out There... Who Doesn't Believe In You Or Who Thinks Your Head Is Too Big Or You're Not Smart Enough. But Those Are The People You Need To Ignore, And Those Are The Times You Need To Just Keep Doing What You Love Doing.

The Senate Has Passed A New Bill That Requires Tv Stations To Lower The Volume Level On Commercials. This Is Great, A Hundred Of The Most Powerful People In The Nation Have Managed To Do The Same Thing My Remote Does.

With More And More States Legalizing Marijuana, Companies Are Lining Up To Create The First Marijuana Breathalyzer. Officials Say The Toughest Part Is Getting Stoners To Stop Trying To Inhale Off The Breathalyzer.

I Just Feel Like People Like A Little Break. Especially At 12:37 At Night, You Go, Like, 'i'm Just Tired Of The Snarky Right Now. I Just Want To Lie Down And Have Somebody Make Me Laugh For An Hour. Entertain Me, And Then I'm Going To Sleep With A Smile On My Face.' That's My Job; That's What I Do.

Today Russia Announced That It Will Join America's Fight With The Terror Group Isis. Then Putin Said, "but I Did Not Say Which Side.

In A Recent Interview, Hillary Clinton Said That One Of The Jobs That Prepared Her To Be President Was Sliming Fish In Alaska. As Opposed To Bill, Who Learned By Catching Crabs In Cancun.

It's Friday. That's One Reason To Celebrate. Also, It's The First Day In A Long Time When No One Declared They're Running For President.

I Read One Chapter Of A Book And Put It Down. Thank God For Kindle.

President Obama Had Beer With Four Unemployed Construction Workers. And Obama Asked The Guys What Was It Like To Lose Their Jobs, And They Were Like, 'oh, You'll See.'

Construction Workers

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders Is Expected To Announce Tomorrow That He Is Running For President, Making Him Hillary Clinton's Only Democratic Challenger So Far. Or As Hillary Put It, 'oooo, Appetizers!'

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