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Mike Huckabee Said He's The Only Person Who Has Fought The Clinton Political Machine And Won. As Opposed To Democratic Candidate Bernie Sanders, Who's The Only Person Who Fought A Fax Machine And Lost.

-Jimmy Fallon

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Mike Huckabee Said He's

Jimmy Fallon

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Mike Huckabee Said He's The Only Person Who Has Fought The Clinton Political Machine And Won. As Opposed To Democratic Candidate Bernie Sanders, Who's The Only Person Who Fought A Fax Machine And Lost.

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President Obama Finally Has His Own Personal Twitter Account. Even John Mccain Said, 'welcome To The Internet, Grandpa.'

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Just Signed A Bill That Bans Powdered Alcohol From The State. So If You Live In New York And You're Consuming Powdered Alcohol, Your Life Just Somehow Got Even Worse.

A New Study Found That Students Who Are Taught Abstinence End Up With Better Math Scores. Of Course, If You Join The Math Team, The Abstinence Takes Care Of Itself.

During A Speech On Sunday, President Obama Said To The Crowd, 'we've Got To Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote.' This Went On For An Hour Until Someone Finally Fixed His Teleprompter.

Hillary Clinton Is Receiving Criticism After Telling A Crowd To 'unlock Their Full Potential,' Because That Line Is Commonly Used By Another Possible Candidate, Carly Fiorina. People Said, 'you Can't Just Steal Someone's Slogan Like That!' And Hillary Said, 'yes We Can!'

After Michael Jordan Recently Criticized President Obama's Golf Game, Obama Responded By Saying That Jordan Should Spend More Time Thinking About His Basketball Team, The Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan Said, 'do You Really Want To Talk About Whose Team Got Crushed This Week?'

Nasa Is Developing Space Taxis To Shuttle Astronauts To The International Space Station. And Just Like New York Taxis, They're All Going To Be Driven By Aliens.

Mary-kate And Ashley Olsen Attended A Fundraiser For Hillary Clinton In New York City This Week. Hillary Told Them, 'good Luck With The Reboot Of Your '90s Show.' And They Said, 'thanks. Good Luck With Yours.'

Listening Is More Important Than Talking. Just Hit Your Mark And Believe What You Say. Just Listen To People And React To What They Are Saying.

I Didn't Invent The Rainy Day. I Just Own The Best Umbrella.

I Like Video Games, I Like Tech, I Like Being Positive.

After Facing Backlash From Customers, Subway Says It Will Remove A Chemical In Its Bread That Is Also Found In Yoga Mats. Some People Were Like, 'you Mean I've Been Eating A Dangerous Chemical?' While Most People Were Like, 'you Mean I Can Eat My Yoga Mat?'

There Are Reports That Kim Jong Un Climbed North Korea's Highest Mountain. Kim Jong Un Said All It Took To Climb That Mountain Was Hard Work, Determination, And Lying About Climbing That Mountain.

If People Want To See You, They'll Find You. If They Don't See You On Tv, They'll Find You On The Internet.

Newt Gingrich Plans To Announce His Campaign For President This Wednesday. I Don’t Know About His Chances. I Mean, I’m Not Saying Gingrich Peaked In The ‘90s, But His Campaign Is Being Sponsored By Tamagotchis And Crystal Pepsi.

A Miami Judge Issued Florida's First Gay Marriage License Yesterday, Which Makes It The 36th State To Legally Perform Gay Marriages. Of Course, Most Florida Residents Are Too Old To Understand What That Means. They'll Say, 'well, I Think All Marriages Should Be Gay, And Merry.'

Hillary Clinton Has A $350 Billion Plan That She Says Will Make College More Affordable. Which Has To Be Better Than My Parents' Plan To Make College Affordable: 'be Good At Sports.'

Today President Obama Gave A Major Speech Where He Defended His Handling Of The Economy. And There Were Tons Of People In The Audience, You Know, Since Nobody Had To Be At Work.

There's A Growing Trend Of Older Americans Who Are Using Marijuana In Their Retirement. That Makes Sense Because Old People Are Always Talking About Their Joints.

Department Store Santas Are Apparently Being Trained To Lower Children's Expectations About Toys Because Of The Recession. Yeah, It's Weird When You Ask Santa For A Train Set And He's Like, 'yeah, How 'bout A Bus Token?

People Are Being Really Picky About The Upcoming Election. I Read That Americans Do Not Want The Next President To Be A First-term Senator, Be Over 65, Or Have A Former President In The Family. Then The Secret Service Said, 'hey, Whoever Slips Through Slips Through. No Promises.'

The Fans Were So Psyched That Someone Was Doing A Movie About A Boston Fan That They Were Giving Their All.

Tomorrow President Obama Will Host Nascar Racing Champion Kevin Harvick At The White House. They Both Said They Look Forward To Spending An Hour Or Two Not Having The Slightest Interest In What The Other Is Saying.

With More And More States Legalizing Marijuana, Companies Are Lining Up To Create The First Marijuana Breathalyzer. Officials Say The Toughest Part Is Getting Stoners To Stop Trying To Inhale Off The Breathalyzer.

Thank You... Fat Dude With Giant Headphones On The Subway, For Looking Like What Would've Happened If Jabba The Hutt Mated With Princess Leia.

I Just Really Don't Like Being The Center Of Attention That Much. It's Kind Of Ironic.

Center Of Attention

Trump Is Running For President And He's Wasting No Time Getting Down To Business. In Fact, Just After His Announcement He Demanded To See Jeb Bush's Birth Certificate.

In A Speech In Texas, Donald Trump Called Hillary Clinton 'easily The Worst Secretary Of State In The History Of Our Country.' When Asked What He Based That On, Trump Said, 'i Heard Me Say It Just Now. So It's Gotta Be True.'

President Obama Became The First Sitting President To Visit A Federal Prison Yesterday. Obama Said It Was A Good Chance To Talk About Prison Reform, And To Catch Up With So Many Former Congressmen.

I Like Living With Myself. I Mean Obviously, Because Here I Am Interviewing Myself.

In A Recent Attack Ad, The Nra Claims That President Obama Cares About His Own Children More Than He Cares About Other Children. In Response, President Obama Was Like, 'yeah, That's How Families Work.'

There's Always Going To Be Someone Out There... Who Doesn't Believe In You Or Who Thinks Your Head Is Too Big Or You're Not Smart Enough. But Those Are The People You Need To Ignore, And Those Are The Times You Need To Just Keep Doing What You Love Doing.

Apparently, The Obamas Chose New York City Because They've Gotten So Used To People Trying To Break Into Their House.

Msnbc Host Lawrence O'donnell Is Saying Donald Trump Lied When He Said He Made $20 Million A Year Off His 'apprentice' Series On Nbc. Nbc Also Denied Trump's Claim, Saying, 'we Don't Have $20 Million. We're Nbc.'

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