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I Can Watch An Episode Of Jerry Seinfeld, And By The End, I'm Just Walking Around My House, You Know, Talking Like Jerry Seinfeld. 'what Is That? What Are You Doing? Who Is It? What's Going' - You Know, I Just Had That Thing, When I Grew Up, I'd Just Start Talking Like People. You Know, I Always Had That.

-Jimmy Fallon

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I Can Watch An

Jimmy Fallon

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I Can Watch An Episode Of Jerry Seinfeld, And By The End, I'm Just Walking Around My House, You Know, Talking Like Jerry Seinfeld. 'what Is That? What Are You Doing? Who Is It? What's Going' - You Know, I Just Had That Thing, When I Grew Up, I'd Just Start Talking Like People. You Know, I Always Had That.

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Thank You... 'real Housewives Of Atlanta,' For Demonstrating A Universal Truth: Idiots Like Me Will Always Watch Idiots Like You Fight On Tv. You Will Forever Be In My Tivo.

A Group Called Draft Biden 2016 Has Started Selling Bumper Stickers That Say 'i'm Ridin' With Biden.' It's A Lot Better Than The Other One That Women Around The White House Have Started Using - 'i'm Hidin' From Biden.'

President Obama And Mitt Romney Both Gave Commencement Speeches Over The Last Few Days. Obama Was Like, 'you Can Be Whatever You Want To Be,' While Romney Was Like, 'i Can Be Whatever You Want Me To Be.'

A Political Action Committee Trying To Raise Money For A 2016 Hillary Clinton Campaign Is Selling “ready For Hillary” Champagne Glasses And Christmas Ornaments. Because If One Thing Improves The Holidays, It's Drinking Mixed With Politics.

I Became A Yankees Fan For A Few Years. But Now, I Gotta Say, I'm Really Rooting For The Red Sox.

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Osama Bin Laden

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London Olympics

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Newt Gingrich Plans To Announce His Campaign For President This Wednesday. I Don’t Know About His Chances. I Mean, I’m Not Saying Gingrich Peaked In The ‘90s, But His Campaign Is Being Sponsored By Tamagotchis And Crystal Pepsi.

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Majority Leader

I Got Every Dan Shaughnessy Book Known To Man.

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Ten Delta Airlines Baggage Handlers Were Arrested For Smuggling Drugs Into Detroit. Yeah, You Can Tell Delta Was Involved, Because The Drugs Were Supposed To Be Smuggled Into Chicago.

Today Google Celebrated Its 13th Anniversary.... That's Right, Google Turned 13 Years Old. Which Explains Why Today When I Searched For Something, Google Was Just Like, "i Don't Know. Stop Asking Me Questions! I'm Going Upstairs.

Thank You... Apple, For Adding A Camera To The Ipod Nano. Now It's Just Like The Iphone Except It Can't Make Calls. So Basically, It's Just Like The Iphone.

The Heroic New York Doctor Who Caught Ebola Has Been Declared Ebola Free. President Obama Called The Doctor To Thank Him For His Selflessness And Compassion. Then To Be Safe, Obama Threw His Phone In A Trash Can And Lit It On Fire.

The Illinois Senate Passed A Bill On Wednesday To Legalize Medical Marijuana. The Bill Was Passed After The State Senator Said, 'come On, Dude, Pass It. Come On.'

President Obama Unveiled A $4 Trillion Budget For 2016 That Would Increase Taxes On The Wealthy And Spend More Money On Education. He Also Made A Snowball And Put It In The Oven, Just To See Which Would Last Longer, His Budget Or The Snowball.

Barnes & Noble Ceo William Lynch Just Announced That He Is Stepping Down After Three Years. When Asked If He's Looking For A New Job, He Was Like, 'nah, Just Browsing.'

Both President Obama And Former President George W. Bush Were Interviewed On 'face The Nation' Over The Weekend. President Bush Said There's A 50 Percent Chance His Brother Jeb Will Run For President In 2016. Then He Said, 'but There's An 80 Percent Chance He Won't.'

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After Facing Backlash From Customers, Subway Says It Will Remove A Chemical In Its Bread That Is Also Found In Yoga Mats. Some People Were Like, 'you Mean I've Been Eating A Dangerous Chemical?' While Most People Were Like, 'you Mean I Can Eat My Yoga Mat?'

Joe Biden Was Spotted With A Bruise On His Face That Was Apparently Caused By His Dog. I Guess They Collided When They Both Went After The Same Tennis Ball.

Republican Scott Brown Lost His Bid For Senate In New Hampshire Last Night, Two Years After He Was Voted Out As Senator In Massachusetts. When Asked What He Was Planning To Do Next, He Said, 'are They Still Looking For A Mayor In Toronto?'

Donald Trump Got In Some Trouble For Saying That John Mccain Is Not A War Hero, And Said, 'i Like People That Weren't Captured.' Not Good. In Fact, Trump's People Are Telling Him To Lay Low For A While Until This All Combs Over.

Officials At The London Olympics Will Be Conducting 5,000 Tests For Steroids. Or As Lance Armstrong Calls That, 'a Monday.'

London Olympics

Donald Trump Announced That He's Running For President. During His Speech He Told The Crowd That If Elected He Would Be 'the Greatest Jobs President That God Ever Created.' Then God Said, 'hey, Don't Drag Me Into This Publicity Stunt.'

Researchers Here In New York Created A Robot That Actually Passed A Self-awareness Test. So If You're Keeping Score, That's Robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0.

If People Want To See You, They'll Find You. If They Don't See You On Tv, They'll Find You On The Internet.

Wearing Shorts Is A Huge Perk. I Think It's Probably One Of The Reasons People Become Mailmen. You Also Get To Drive In That Vehicle That Should Be Illegal In The United States, Where The Steering Wheel Is On The Other Side. They Have No Rules! They Are The Punk Rock Of Government Jobs.

According To A New Poll, The Number Of Americans Who Trust Hillary Is Dropping. Specifically Into A Hole That Hillary Covered With Leaves.

Oh Here's An Idea: Let's Make Pictures Of Our Internal Organs And Give Them To Other People We Love On Valentine's Day. That's Not Weird At All.

Funny Valentines Day

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Nasa Is Developing Space Taxis To Shuttle Astronauts To The International Space Station. And Just Like New York Taxis, They're All Going To Be Driven By Aliens.

Donald Trump Said He Still Wants To Look More Closely At Obama's Birth Certificate To Make Sure That It's Real. Incidentally, President Obama Said The Same Exact Thing About Donald Trump's Hair.

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Rand Paul Is Officially Running For President. He Even Revealed His Campaign Slogan, Which Is 'defeat The Washington Machine. Unleash The American Dream.' It's Hard To Tell If He's Running For President Or Doing An Infomercial For Bowflex.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Just Signed A Bill That Bans Powdered Alcohol From The State. So If You Live In New York And You're Consuming Powdered Alcohol, Your Life Just Somehow Got Even Worse.

Most Kids Come Home From School. They Don't Go To Their Tvs First. They Go To The Internet. They Check Their Emails, Or Some Blogs, Or Some Sites. Then They Go Watch Tv. Other People Are At Work All Day 9-5 In Front Of A Computer. They See Certain Clips. We're Not Going To Hide The Fact That People Use The Internet. We're Going To Try To Be As Interactive As Possible With Our Fans. I'm Currently On Twitter And Facebook And Flicker And Dig. I'm On All That Stuff.

Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Announced That He's Endorsing Mitt Romney For President. It's Good News For Romney. I Mean, You Always Want Chris Christie On Your Side. Unless You're In A Canoe.

Arizona Just Became The 15th State To Approve Medical Marijuana. So I Give It Three Days Before They Stop Caring About The Whole Immigration Thing.

There's Always Going To Be Someone Out There... Who Doesn't Believe In You Or Who Thinks Your Head Is Too Big Or You're Not Smart Enough. But Those Are The People You Need To Ignore, And Those Are The Times You Need To Just Keep Doing What You Love Doing.

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I Saw That On Small Business Saturday, The President Went Shopping At A Bookstore And Bought 17 Books, Including "the Laughing Monsters," "being Mortal," And "heart Of Darkness." Or As The Cashier Put It, "you Ok, Man? Maybe A Little 'chicken Soup For The Presidential Soul?'

My Dream Was To Grow Up And Get A Job At Ibm, Like My Dad. That Seemed Like A Logical Dream.

Fifteen States Across The Country Have Gas Prices That Have Dipped Below $2. That Means It's Now Cheaper To Buy A Gallon Of Liquefied Dinosaurs Than One Cup Of Coffee At Starbucks.

Listening Is More Important Than Talking. Just Hit Your Mark And Believe What You Say. Just Listen To People And React To What They Are Saying.

There Are Reports That Russia Is Actually Working With North Korea To Encourage “collaboration And Cooperation” Between The Two Countries. Yeah, They Believe That With Russia's Economic Power And North Korea's Technology, They Can Be A Real Threat To 1987.

In A Speech In Texas, Donald Trump Called Hillary Clinton 'easily The Worst Secretary Of State In The History Of Our Country.' When Asked What He Based That On, Trump Said, 'i Heard Me Say It Just Now. So It's Gotta Be True.'

God Invented Mankind Because He Loved Silly Stories. Ralph Steadman I Like Being Absurd.

This Weekend The Conservative Political Action Conference, Cpac, Featured Several Speakers Including Sarah Palin And Phil Robertson From 'duck Dynasty.' It Was A Good Weekend For Conservatives - And A Great Weekend For Wild Animals.

In An Interview, President Obama Said He Recently Deejayed A Small Dance Party At The White House. Obama Has A Lot In Common With Deejays. He Takes Requests And Then Completely Ignores Them.

I'd Do Entire Music Videos In My Bedroom, Where I Used To Stand In Front Of My Television Memorizing The Moves To Michael Jackson's 'beat It.'

A Clothing Company Is Making T-shirts Inspired By Bernie Sanders With Messages Like 'feel The Bern.' They Were Gonna Make Them For Lincoln Chafee Too, But No One Wants To Wear A Shirt That Says 'feel The Chafee.'

People Are Being Really Picky About The Upcoming Election. I Read That Americans Do Not Want The Next President To Be A First-term Senator, Be Over 65, Or Have A Former President In The Family. Then The Secret Service Said, 'hey, Whoever Slips Through Slips Through. No Promises.'

I Was Into The Mets Because My Dad Worked At Ibm Where He Got Free Mets Tickets, So I Was Into The Mets... Then I Got To 'saturday Night Live' Where My Boss Has Unbelievable N.y. Yankees Tickets, So He Invites Us To The Games. I'm Going To All The Games, So I Might As Well Root For The Team I'm Gonna Go Sit With.

President Obama Is Getting A New Limousine That Will Have Advanced Night-vision Capabilities. The Technology Even Has A Cool Name ... Headlights.

You Gotta Risk It To Get The Biscuit.

If You're Going To Do A Chris Christie Joke, Just Say, 'christie Spent $82,000 At A Concession Stand At Metlife Stadium. Then He Turned To His Friends And Said, 'you Guys Want Anything?'' That's A Joke. I Can't Believe It. I Caved In. I Feel Awful.

Sources Say The Obama Administration Is In The 'final Stages' Of Planning The Closing Of Guantanamo Bay. The Way It's Gonna Work Is, They're Going To Put A Radio Shack Sign Out Front And Let Nature Take Its Course.

President Obama Recently Said That His Day Is All About Politics, So In The Mornings He Likes To Watch Espn. So If You Get The Feeling He's Repeating Himself Every Half Hour, That's Where He Learned It From.

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When You Have A Baby, Sleep Is Not An Option. You Can't Sleep. Even On Vacation, You Wake Up At 6:30 A.m.

L.a. Clippers Owner Donald Sterling Was Recorded On Tape Making Racist Comments. He Now Has Been Banned From The League For Life. Great, Just Where Sterling Wanted To End Up - The Blacklist.

A Man In Georgia Was Arrested For Burglary After He Left His Facebook Account Open On The Victim's Computer. But This Is Nice: He's Only Been In Jail A Few Hours, And His Status Already Says "in A Relationship!

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I Had A Gun And I Had To Run And Shoot, Which Is Not Easy.

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A Peacock Escaped From The Central Park Zoo And Wandered Around The City. Either That Or I Just Saw A Pigeon On His Way To A Gay Pride Parade.

I Love Nashville. I've Been Here So Many Times... Oh Man, I Would Stay Here For A Year If I Could. It's Just So Much Fun.

Starbucks Is Planning To Close Down All The Restrooms In Its New York Locations. Which Explains The Most Popular New Starbucks Order: An Empty Cup.

Senator Rand Paul Reflected On Mitt Romney's Potential 2016 Campaign And Said, 'it's Sort Of What Einstein Said, That The Definition Of Insanity Is To Do The Same Thing Over And Over Again And Expect A Different Result.' When Someone Told Him Einstein Didn't Actually Say That, He Said, 'in The Words Of Gandhi, 'my Bad.''

I Wanted To Be The Next Dana Carvey. This Was My Ultimate Goal. If I Ever Cut Into A Birthday Cake And Made A Wish, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Threw A Coin Into A Fountain, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Saw A Shooting Star, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.'

Got Bin Laden And Interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win For Obama All Around.

I Remember Watching Soulja Boy On Youtube Over And Over Again To Prepare For It. For The First One, I Was Up All Night In My Kitchen, Practicing The Dance, Because I Knew I Had To Dance With Timberlake And That Guy Can Dance.

Researches Tested A New Form Of Medical Marijuana That Treats Pain But Doesn't Get The User High, Prompting Patients Who Need Medical Marijuana To Declare, 'thank You?'

The One Thing You Shouldn't Do Is Try To Tell A Cab Driver How To Get Somewhere.

Don't Keep Reaching For The Stars Because You'll Just Look Like An Idiot Stretching That Way For No Reason.

Halloween Is Tomorrow. A Group Of Wine Experts Has Actually Come Up With A List Of The Best Wines To Pair With Halloween Candy. They Say, "white Wine Goes Great With Skittles, Red Wine Goes Great With Twix, And ... We're Alcoholics, Aren't We?

President Obama Finally Has His Own Personal Twitter Account. Even John Mccain Said, 'welcome To The Internet, Grandpa.'

Msnbc Host Lawrence O'donnell Is Saying Donald Trump Lied When He Said He Made $20 Million A Year Off His 'apprentice' Series On Nbc. Nbc Also Denied Trump's Claim, Saying, 'we Don't Have $20 Million. We're Nbc.'

The White House Is Worried About Joe Biden's Potential Run For President, And A Source Says They Fear That It Wouldn't Have The Right Outcome. That's Right, They Think He Might Win.

Over On The Democratic Side, Martin O'malley Recently Spoke About The Need For Wall Street Reform And Said That He Isn't Running For President To Be Quote, 'wined And Dined' By Executives. Then Chris Christie Said, 'and I Am Also Not Running To Be Wined.'

The Big News Is The Midterm Elections. Last Night Republicans Picked Up A Dozen Seats In The House To Give Them Their Biggest Majority Since World War Ii. Or As They Put It, 'time To Party Like It's 1939!'

I Just Feel Like People Like A Little Break. Especially At 12:37 At Night, You Go, Like, 'i'm Just Tired Of The Snarky Right Now. I Just Want To Lie Down And Have Somebody Make Me Laugh For An Hour. Entertain Me, And Then I'm Going To Sleep With A Smile On My Face.' That's My Job; That's What I Do.

Hillary Clinton Has A $350 Billion Plan That She Says Will Make College More Affordable. Which Has To Be Better Than My Parents' Plan To Make College Affordable: 'be Good At Sports.'

After Michael Jordan Recently Criticized President Obama's Golf Game, Obama Responded By Saying That Jordan Should Spend More Time Thinking About His Basketball Team, The Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan Said, 'do You Really Want To Talk About Whose Team Got Crushed This Week?'

Success Is.... Happiness. Is That Too Deepak Chopra?

There's A New Facebook App That Will Post A Final Status Update For You After You Die. That's Ridiculous. I Don't Need Someone To Change My Status When I Die. I Need Them To Water My Farmville Crops.

Jeb Bush Is Facing Criticism After It Was Just Revealed That He Checked Off His Race As 'hispanic' On A Voter Registration Form Back In 2009. When Asked If He Regrets It Now, Bush Said, 'si.'

Rand Paul Is Taking A Week-long Break From Talking To The Media To Spend Time With His Family Before He Officially Announces That He Is Running For President. Because Nothing Motivates You To Be On The Road For Two Straight Years Like A Week Alone With Your Family.

In Pakistan Anti-american Protesters Set A Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant On Fire. The Protesters Mistakenly Thought They Were Attacking High-ranking U.s. Military Official Colonel Sanders.

Today, Mitt Romney Visited A Firehouse Here In New York City. Of Course, He Was Disappointed When He Learned That A Firehouse Isn't A House Where You Get To Fire People.

The Pentagon Banned The Army From Using Chinese-made Berets. In A More Veiled Slap At The Chinese, The Pentagon Also Banned Any Alternative Form Of Checkers.

I Think You Just Look For The Person You Have The Most Fun With. And That's Enough. You Realize, "wait, I Can Just Keep Having Fun With Her Forever?" Yes, You Can Do That. That Is The Key.

A Miami Judge Issued Florida's First Gay Marriage License Yesterday, Which Makes It The 36th State To Legally Perform Gay Marriages. Of Course, Most Florida Residents Are Too Old To Understand What That Means. They'll Say, 'well, I Think All Marriages Should Be Gay, And Merry.'

Bernie Sanders' Presidential Campaign Announced That It Raised Over $1.5 Million In The 24 Hours After He Announced His Bid. Meanwhile, A 12-year-old On Kickstarter Just Raised $7 Million In Five Minutes After Announcing His Idea For Juice Box Water Guns.

The Man Who Invented Doritos Has Passed Away At The Age Of 97. He Asked To Be Buried With The Creator Of Fritos And Cheetos In A Variety Pack.

The Senate Came One Vote Short Of Granting Approval To Build The Keystone Pipeline. Democrats Say The Pipeline Could Accelerate Global Warming. Then People Who've Been Outside Today Said, 'sounds Good To Me. Let's Accelerate That Global Warming.'

Keystone Pipeline

A New Survey Found That 12 Percent Of Parents Punish Their Kids By Banning Social Networking Sites. The Other 88 Percent Punish Their Kids By Joining Social Networking Sites.

According To A New Poll, Republicans Are More Likely To Have A Doughnut For Breakfast, While Democrats Prefer To Eat Bagels And Croissants. While Independents Are That Annoying Friend Who's Still Looking At The Menu After 15 Minutes.

In A Recent Interview, Jeb Bush Revealed That His Brother George Gave Him The Nickname 'tortoise' Because He's Making Slow, Steady Progress. Though I Think The Bigger Story Here Is That Compared To George, Jeb Is The Slow One.

This Week, A 95-year-old Woman Married A 98-year-old Man To Become The World's Oldest Newlyweds. They're Registered At Bed, Sponge Bath And Beyond.

When I See Professional Clowns, Mimes, Or People Who Makes Ballon Animals, I Think Of Their Relatives And How Disappointed They Must Be.

I'd Be Nothing Without My Wife. She's The Coolest. She's The Greatest. She Is The Smartest. She's The Funniest. I Love Her So Much. She's Like The - It's Like Your Best Friend For The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Your Best Friend

In A New Poll Of Democratic Voters, Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee Came In With Zero Percent Support. Or In Other Words: We're All Tied With Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee.

If You're A Sports Fan You Realize That When You Meet Somebody, Like A Girlfriend, They Kind Of Have To Root For Your Team. They Don't Have A Choice.

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