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I Just Feel Like People Like A Little Break. Especially At 12:37 At Night, You Go, Like, 'i'm Just Tired Of The Snarky Right Now. I Just Want To Lie Down And Have Somebody Make Me Laugh For An Hour. Entertain Me, And Then I'm Going To Sleep With A Smile On My Face.' That's My Job; That's What I Do.

-Jimmy Fallon

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I Just Feel Like

Jimmy Fallon

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I Just Feel Like People Like A Little Break. Especially At 12:37 At Night, You Go, Like, 'i'm Just Tired Of The Snarky Right Now. I Just Want To Lie Down And Have Somebody Make Me Laugh For An Hour. Entertain Me, And Then I'm Going To Sleep With A Smile On My Face.' That's My Job; That's What I Do.

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Lincoln Chafee, Former Governor Of Rhode Island, Announced He's Running For President. Before He Announced He's Running, His Wife Went On Facebook And Asked His Staff If They Remembered His Password. Because If A Facebook Password Is Too Hard To Remember, The Launch Codes For The Nukes Should Be A Piece Of Cake.

A Recent Study Found That People Lie More When They Are Texting. Yeah, Especially That One Lie: "sorry, Just Got Your Text!

Republican Candidate Ben Carson Told Reporters He Thinks American Prisons Might Be Too Comfortable. As Opposed To Mexican Prisons That Have Personal Showers With $5 Million Escape Tunnels.

The Fans Were So Psyched That Someone Was Doing A Movie About A Boston Fan That They Were Giving Their All.

At A Recent Education Summit, President Obama Admitted That He Can't Rap. When They Heard, Americans Said, 'good!'

I Just Heard About A Woman In Germany Who Just Gave Birth To A Baby Boy Named "jihad." Or As The Tsa Put It, "hope You Like Amtrak!

I Sing In The Car If I'm In La, Because You're Like Soundproofed.

Thank You, Horseradish, For Being Neither A Radish Nor A Horse. What You Are Is A Liar Food.

During His Weekly Address To The Nation, President Obama Discussed Higher Education And Said, 'the Most Important Skill You Can Sell Is Your Knowledge.' Or As English Majors Working At Starbucks Put It, 'no It's Not.'

The Federal Government Is Starting To Plan For Climate Change By Making Extended Forecasts That Can Help People Plan For Extreme Weather - Because What Can Go Wrong When You Combine The Efficiency Of Government With The Accuracy Of Weathermen?

Many Believe That Hillary Clinton Was Channeling President Obama During Her Recent Speech In New York City. She Focused On Equality, Justice, And How Hard It Was For Her Growing Up As A Young Black Man In Hawaii.

We Have First Lady Michelle Obama On The Show Tonight. As You'd Expect, Security's Been Pretty Tight. On My Way In I Got Five Pat-downs, And That Was Just From Joe Biden.

Jeb Bush's Brother Neil Said That Their Mother Has 'come Around' To The Idea Of Jeb Running For President In 2016. Because If There's Anything That Says You're Qualified To Be President, It's Your Own Mom Saying, 'i Guess You Could Do It.'

A Miami Judge Issued Florida's First Gay Marriage License Yesterday, Which Makes It The 36th State To Legally Perform Gay Marriages. Of Course, Most Florida Residents Are Too Old To Understand What That Means. They'll Say, 'well, I Think All Marriages Should Be Gay, And Merry.'

New Scientist Magazine Reported That In The Future, Cars Could Be Powered By Hazelnuts. That's Encouraging, Considering An Eight-ounce Jar Of Hazelnuts Costs About Nine Dollars. Yeah, I've Got An Idea For A Car That Runs On Bald Eagle Heads And Faberge Eggs.

In A Recent Interview, Jeb Bush Revealed That His Brother George Gave Him The Nickname 'tortoise' Because He's Making Slow, Steady Progress. Though I Think The Bigger Story Here Is That Compared To George, Jeb Is The Slow One.

You're Sitting There, With Your Wife And Your Baby And Your Smiling Dog, And You're Watching Real Housewives Getting Into Fistfights On Tv. And You Go, 'how Great Is My Life? I'm So Happy Right Now.'

If People Want To See You, They'll Find You. If They Don't See You On Tv, They'll Find You On The Internet.

The Tsa's Airport Body Scanners Have Been Shown To Be So Ineffective, The Homeland Security Chairman Suggested Using Traditional Metal Detectors. While Laguardia Will Continue To Just Have A Scarecrow Dressed As A Cop.

It's Something I Worry About When I'm Working Out. I Don't Want To Get Too Fit. Because I Don't Want The New Davinci Of This Millennium To Say, "you. I Have Found My Muse. I Have To Sculpt You."

The Illinois Senate Passed A Bill On Wednesday To Legalize Medical Marijuana. The Bill Was Passed After The State Senator Said, 'come On, Dude, Pass It. Come On.'

Thank You... Preseason Football, For Having All The Excitement, Commercials, And Time-outs Of The Regular Season, But With None Of The Mattering. I Appreciate It. Thank You.

Politicians Are Really Getting Desperate. In Fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid Sent Out A Final Fundraising Email To Democrats With The Subject Line, 'i'm Begging.' Because What Better Way To Show You're A Strong Leader Than Acting Like You're Drunk And Dialing Your Ex?

Majority Leader

It's Friday. That's One Reason To Celebrate. Also, It's The First Day In A Long Time When No One Declared They're Running For President.

Whenever I'm Stuck In Traffic, I Can't Help But Wonder, 'where Did The Creator Of The Jetsons Go, And Why Hasn't He Done Something About This?'

When You Have A Baby, Sleep Is Not An Option. You Can't Sleep. Even On Vacation, You Wake Up At 6:30 A.m.

Hurricane Irene ... The Storm Was Huge News. In Fact, The Weather Channel Reported Something They Haven't Seen In Years. Viewers.

Yesterday President Obama Traveled To Jamaica, Where He Will Meet With Students And Caribbean Leaders. Jamaica's Such A Beautiful Place, Obama Says He Can't Wait To Just Take It All In, Hold It For Several Seconds, And Then Exhale.

Apple Is Developing A Service Called Home Kit That Will Allow People To Operate Gadgets Like Garage Openers And Thermostats Through One App. In Related News, Please Don't Tell My Parents About This. I Can't Be Explaining This Stuff Every Week.

Thank You, Yard Sales, For Being The Perfect Way To Say To Your Neighbors: We Think We're Important Enough To Charge Money For Our Garbage.

People Are Being Really Picky About The Upcoming Election. I Read That Americans Do Not Want The Next President To Be A First-term Senator, Be Over 65, Or Have A Former President In The Family. Then The Secret Service Said, 'hey, Whoever Slips Through Slips Through. No Promises.'

A Man In Georgia Was Arrested For Burglary After He Left His Facebook Account Open On The Victim's Computer. But This Is Nice: He's Only Been In Jail A Few Hours, And His Status Already Says "in A Relationship!

Bp Wants Twitter To Shut Down A Fake Bp Account That Is Mocking The Oil Company. In Response, Twitter Wants Bp To Shut Down The Oil Leak That's Ruining The Ocean.

I Remember People Saying To Us, "you're Too Nice. Hollywood Is Going To Eat You Up And Spit You Out." I Never Listened To Them.

Listening Is More Important Than Talking.

It Was The 60th Anniversary Of 'face The Nation.' During His Interview, President Obama Said, 'our Country Doesn't Fear The Future. We Grab It.' Nothing Says You Grab The Future Like Going On A 60-year-old Show Hosted By A 77-year-old-man To Speak To A 90-year-old Audience.

Leno, Conan. They Are Both Really Funny. They Really Know How To Land One.

This Week Biden Said That He Will Decide On A Potential 2016 Presidential Campaign By The Spring Or The Summer. Then He Said, 'whichever Comes First.'

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