Background Image

...

The Man Who Invented Doritos Has Passed Away At The Age Of 97. He Asked To Be Buried With The Creator Of Fritos And Cheetos In A Variety Pack.

-Jimmy Fallon

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

The Man Who Invented

Jimmy Fallon

...

The Man Who Invented Doritos Has Passed Away At The Age Of 97. He Asked To Be Buried With The Creator Of Fritos And Cheetos In A Variety Pack.

Views: 8

Topic

More From Jimmy Fallon

During The Cpac Conference, Rand Paul Told The Crowd It Was Time For A New President And That People Need To Help Make The Change. Of Course, Most People Agreed With Him, Since That's How Term Limits Work.

They're Making A Movie About Barack And Michelle Obama's First Date, Called 'southside With You,' And The Producers Say They've Already Cast Someone To Play Young Barack Obama. Now, I'm Not Saying The President Has Aged A Lot But That Young Actor Is Morgan Freeman.

According To A New Poll, The Number Of Americans Who Trust Hillary Is Dropping. Specifically Into A Hole That Hillary Covered With Leaves.

It Was A Great Olympics - Team Usa Finished The Games With 17 More Medals Than China. China Said It Was Tough To Swallow - Especially When They Had To Make All Of Our "we're #1" T-shirts.

London Olympics

I Don't Shoot Guns. I Don't Know How To Do That. I Grew Upstate New York, So I Fought With My Fists.

Wearing Shorts Is A Huge Perk. I Think It's Probably One Of The Reasons People Become Mailmen. You Also Get To Drive In That Vehicle That Should Be Illegal In The United States, Where The Steering Wheel Is On The Other Side. They Have No Rules! They Are The Punk Rock Of Government Jobs.

I Didn't Act Like I Was There. I Just Got Into The Story.

Today Is Earth Day. Environmentalists Spent The Day Drawing Attention To The Earth, While The Earth Just Spent The Day Checking Facebook To See Which Planets Wished It A Happy Earth Day.

President Obama Is In China Now For An Economic Summit In Beijing. The President Wore A Traditional Purple Silk Shirt Along With Chinese President Xi Jinping And Vladimir Putin. That's After They Taught Putin How To Put A Shirt On.

Success Is.... Happiness. Is That Too Deepak Chopra?

President Obama Finally Has His Own Personal Twitter Account. Even John Mccain Said, 'welcome To The Internet, Grandpa.'

I'm So Excited. Jay Leno Is On The Show Tonight. He Brought Some Really Funny Jokes And Some Great Stories. Although I'm A Little Concerned He Also Brought His Old Desk And Kevin Eubanks. I Just Want Jay To Be Comfortable, But Not Too Comfortable.

A New Poll Also Shows That A Majority Of People In Colorado Think Hillary Clinton Is Not Trustworthy. Although, That's Not Saying Much Coming From The Most Paranoid State In America. 'hillary Clinton? She's A Cop?'

The Senate Has Passed A New Bill That Requires Tv Stations To Lower The Volume Level On Commercials. This Is Great, A Hundred Of The Most Powerful People In The Nation Have Managed To Do The Same Thing My Remote Does.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Just Signed A Bill That Bans Powdered Alcohol From The State. So If You Live In New York And You're Consuming Powdered Alcohol, Your Life Just Somehow Got Even Worse.

Success Is Just Happiness. When You Are Happy, That Is Success.

Big News From Last Night's Republican Debate, You Guys. It Turns Out George Bush Was Actually The Smart Texas Governor.

Rachel Dolezal Stepped Down From Her Position As President Of An Naacp Chapter After It Was Revealed That She Was A White Woman Pretending To Be Black. Now Her Brother Says He Knew About It But She Asked Him Not To Blow Her Cover. Unfortunately, Her Cover Had Already Been Blown By God When He Made Her A Blond-haired, Blue-eyed White Lady.

Thank You... Preseason Football, For Having All The Excitement, Commercials, And Time-outs Of The Regular Season, But With None Of The Mattering. I Appreciate It. Thank You.

People Ask Me, Jimmy, Howd You Get Here Tonight. Lets Just Say It Involved A Two-hour Make-out Session With Elaine Stritch. It Got Pretty Heavy Actually, I Almost Had To Host.

Don't Keep Reaching For The Stars Because You'll Just Look Like An Idiot Stretching That Way For No Reason.

I Don't Even Read The Papers. I Read 'usa Today' Because It Has Color Photos.

This Week, A 95-year-old Woman Married A 98-year-old Man To Become The World's Oldest Newlyweds. They're Registered At Bed, Sponge Bath And Beyond.

Mike Huckabee Said He's The Only Person Who Has Fought The Clinton Political Machine And Won. As Opposed To Democratic Candidate Bernie Sanders, Who's The Only Person Who Fought A Fax Machine And Lost.

Researches Tested A New Form Of Medical Marijuana That Treats Pain But Doesn't Get The User High, Prompting Patients Who Need Medical Marijuana To Declare, 'thank You?'

Leno, Conan. They Are Both Really Funny. They Really Know How To Land One.

There Are Reports That Kim Jong Un Climbed North Korea's Highest Mountain. Kim Jong Un Said All It Took To Climb That Mountain Was Hard Work, Determination, And Lying About Climbing That Mountain.

A Massive Power Outage In Washington, D.c., Today Affected A Number Of Federal Buildings, Including The White House. When Asked When They Could Restore Power To The White House, Officials Said, '2016?'

A Recent Study Shows That Standing At Work For Long Periods Of Time Is Bad For You, After Earlier Research Indicated That Sitting For Too Long At Work Is Bad For You. So Really The Only Thing We Know Is, Work Is Bad For You.

In A Recent Interview, Jeb Bush Revealed That His Brother George Gave Him The Nickname 'tortoise' Because He's Making Slow, Steady Progress. Though I Think The Bigger Story Here Is That Compared To George, Jeb Is The Slow One.

Now That The Midterm Elections Are Over, President Obama Has Invited Congressional Leaders From Both Parties To A Meeting At The White House Tomorrow. When Asked If He's Nervous, Obama Said, 'oh, I'm Not Going To Be There. I Just Invited Them Over. They Can Figure It Out Themselves.'

President Obama Had Beer With Four Unemployed Construction Workers. And Obama Asked The Guys What Was It Like To Lose Their Jobs, And They Were Like, 'oh, You'll See.'

Construction Workers

Thank You Hard Taco Shells For Surviving The Long Journey From Factory, To Supermarket, To My Plate And Then Breaking The Moment I Put Something Inside You. Thank You.

You Gotta Risk It To Get The Biscuit.

The Federal Government Is Starting To Plan For Climate Change By Making Extended Forecasts That Can Help People Plan For Extreme Weather - Because What Can Go Wrong When You Combine The Efficiency Of Government With The Accuracy Of Weathermen?

...being A Father Is The Most Exciting, Amazing Thing That Ever Happened To Me.

Japan And South Korea Are On High Alert After North Korea Successfully Launched A Long-range Rocket. Both Countries Are Surprised By North Korea's Successful Launch, But Definitely Not As Surprised As North Korea.

Shepard Fairey, The Street Artist Responsible For President Obama's 'hope' Poster, Is Now Facing Vandalism Charges In Detroit. It's Pretty Serious. Detroit Officials Say The Artist's Spray Paint Caused Over $9,000 Worth Of Improvements.

Some Areas Near Dallas Experienced A 3.5-magnitude Earthquake, Which Some Blame On Fracking. However, Scientists Say That It Was More Likely Aftershocks From Chris Christie Celebrating At The Cowboys Game.

Hillary Clinton Has A $350 Billion Plan That She Says Will Make College More Affordable. Which Has To Be Better Than My Parents' Plan To Make College Affordable: 'be Good At Sports.'

Yesterday In Florida, President Obama Kissed A Woman On The Cheek After She Told Him He Looks Good. Which Explains Why Last Night, Michelle Made Him Sleep On Air Mattress One.

Donald Trump Got In Some Trouble For Saying That John Mccain Is Not A War Hero, And Said, 'i Like People That Weren't Captured.' Not Good. In Fact, Trump's People Are Telling Him To Lay Low For A While Until This All Combs Over.

A Political Action Committee Trying To Raise Money For A 2016 Hillary Clinton Campaign Is Selling “ready For Hillary” Champagne Glasses And Christmas Ornaments. Because If One Thing Improves The Holidays, It's Drinking Mixed With Politics.

The 'tonight Show' Didn't Seem Like An Actual Job That You Could Have. All You Remember Is You Watched Johnny Carson, And You Never Thought He Would Retire.

You're Sitting There, With Your Wife And Your Baby And Your Smiling Dog, And You're Watching Real Housewives Getting Into Fistfights On Tv. And You Go, 'how Great Is My Life? I'm So Happy Right Now.'

We're Into Tech Stuff, Gadgets, Phones, Video Games. We'll Treat A Video Game Premiere Like A Movie Premiere. I'm Just Going To Be Honest With What I Like And What I Do. What I Enjoy. We're Not Going To Hide The Fact That People Are On The Internet All Day. I Think A Lot Of Shows Don't Really Mention That.

President Obama And Mitt Romney Both Gave Commencement Speeches Over The Last Few Days. Obama Was Like, 'you Can Be Whatever You Want To Be,' While Romney Was Like, 'i Can Be Whatever You Want Me To Be.'

Former New York Governor George Pataki May Enter The Race For President. It's Not Definite, But He Tweeted That He'll Announce His 2016 Plans On May 28 In New Hampshire. Well, What's He Gonna Do, Go To New Hampshire To Say He's Not Running? That's Like Getting Down On One Knee And Saying, 'i Think It's Time To See Other People.'

In Celebration Of Mother's Day Yesterday, President Obama Called Three Moms Who Had Written Him Letters. Then Kids Who Made Their Mom A Macaroni Necklace Said, 'thanks, Obama.'

President Obama Awarded A National Medal Of Arts To Author Stephen King. You Know, Because If There's Anyone Who Can Relate To The Story Of A Guy Trapped In A Mansion That's Driving Him Insane, It's Obama.

I Like Doing Energetic Things.

Starbucks Is Planning To Close Down All The Restrooms In Its New York Locations. Which Explains The Most Popular New Starbucks Order: An Empty Cup.

In New York, There Are So Many Potholes, They're Like Craters On The Moon. That's Another Traffic Thing.

President Obama Recently Said That His Day Is All About Politics, So In The Mornings He Likes To Watch Espn. So If You Get The Feeling He's Repeating Himself Every Half Hour, That's Where He Learned It From.

You Only Think Of The Best Comeback When You Leave.

A House Panel In Texas Has Approved Full Marijuana Legalization For The State. Yeah, Meaning Texas Could Go From Having Dude Ranches To 'dude, Ranches.'

A New Poll Found That 43 Percent Of Americans Think President Obama Is Doing A Good Job At Handling The Bp Oil Spill. Of Course, The Same Poll Found That 43 Percent Of Americans Hate Pelicans.

Thank You, Horseradish, For Being Neither A Radish Nor A Horse. What You Are Is A Liar Food.

In Several Speeches And Interviews, Donald Trump Has Brought Up His Book 'the Art Of The Deal,' And Said That Obama Would Have Negotiated A Better Deal With Iran If He Had Read It. It Got Even More Awkward For Obama When Iran Was Like, 'it Worked For Us - You Guys Got Screwed!'

Nissan Is Recalling Almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s To Address An Airbag Problem. When Toyota Heard That, They Said, 'airbags! I Knew We Forgot Something.'

This Morning My Dad Called Me Up And Said, 'so, Tonight's Your Last Show, Huh.' And I Said, 'no, Dad, That's Someone Else.'

Sometimes I Wish I Had A Terrible Childhood, So That At Least I'd Have An Excuse.

I Remember People Saying To Us, "you're Too Nice. Hollywood Is Going To Eat You Up And Spit You Out." I Never Listened To Them.

I Haven't Been On A Date In Awhile. I Went On Maybe Two Dates In My Whole Life.

In A New Interview, Herman Cain Said That If Rick Perry Were An Ice Cream Flavor, He'd Be 'rocky Road.' I Don't Know, Perry's Not Really Any Flavor Of Ice Cream. He's Just The Brain Freeze Part.

Apparently President Obama's Favorite Cocktail Is A Martini. When Asked How He Likes It, He Said, 'on The Beach, In Hawaii, In 2017.'

Three Of Donald Trump's Kids Have Come Forward To Defend Him, And Called Him 'an Incredible Dad And Role Model.' Donald Was So Moved That He Wrote One Of Them Back Into His Will. 'i'm Not Gonna Tell You Which One . . . It's Donald Jr.'

I Read That As Marijuana Legalization Becomes More Popular, It Could Affect The Jobs Of Drug-sniffing Dogs. Or As Those Dogs Put It, 'thanks, Bo Obama.'

Mitt Romney Announced He Will Fight Former Heavyweight Champion Evander Holyfield In A Charity Boxing Match. You Can Tell That Romney Is Serious About It. Today, His Butler Gave Him A Piggyback Ride Up The Steps Of The Philadelphia Art Museum.

After Michael Jordan Recently Criticized President Obama's Golf Game, Obama Responded By Saying That Jordan Should Spend More Time Thinking About His Basketball Team, The Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan Said, 'do You Really Want To Talk About Whose Team Got Crushed This Week?'

Researchers In Canada Say They Have Discovered The Part Of The Brain That Is Used To Make Decisions, And This Is Weird: If You're Married, It's Actually Located In Your Wife's Brain.

I Just Feel Like People Like A Little Break. Especially At 12:37 At Night, You Go, Like, 'i'm Just Tired Of The Snarky Right Now. I Just Want To Lie Down And Have Somebody Make Me Laugh For An Hour. Entertain Me, And Then I'm Going To Sleep With A Smile On My Face.' That's My Job; That's What I Do.

Yesterday On Cnn, Joe Biden Said He Hasn't Made Up His Mind About Whether He'll Run For President In 2016. Which Raises The Question: 'who Was Raising That Question?'

Today Russia Announced That It Will Join America's Fight With The Terror Group Isis. Then Putin Said, "but I Did Not Say Which Side.

Today Is 11/11/11, A Date So Simple Even Rick Perry Can Remember It.

The Heroic New York Doctor Who Caught Ebola Has Been Declared Ebola Free. President Obama Called The Doctor To Thank Him For His Selflessness And Compassion. Then To Be Safe, Obama Threw His Phone In A Trash Can And Lit It On Fire.

Joe Biden Was Spotted With A Bruise On His Face That Was Apparently Caused By His Dog. I Guess They Collided When They Both Went After The Same Tennis Ball.

Thank You... 'real Housewives Of Atlanta,' For Demonstrating A Universal Truth: Idiots Like Me Will Always Watch Idiots Like You Fight On Tv. You Will Forever Be In My Tivo.

The White House Is Worried About Joe Biden's Potential Run For President, And A Source Says They Fear That It Wouldn't Have The Right Outcome. That's Right, They Think He Might Win.

Hillary Clinton Said That Libyan Leader Moammar Gadhafi Is Engaged In 'theater.' Which Explains The New Strategy To Defeat Him: Casting Him As The Lead In 'spider-man: The Musical.'

Researchers Here In New York Created A Robot That Actually Passed A Self-awareness Test. So If You're Keeping Score, That's Robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0.

Jim Gilmore Was The Only Gop Candidate Not Invited To The Republican Debates Tonight, But I Saw That He Actually Planned To Live-tweet It. When He Heard That, Jeb Bush Was Like 'can I Do That? I Don't Want To Be Here!'

Happy Birthday To Arnold Palmer, Who Turned 82. That's 41 Years Iced Tea And 41 Years Lemonade.

I Wanted To Be The Next Dana Carvey. This Was My Ultimate Goal. If I Ever Cut Into A Birthday Cake And Made A Wish, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Threw A Coin Into A Fountain, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.' If I Saw A Shooting Star, I Would Wish To Be On 'saturday Night Live.'

I, Of Course, Wanted To Do Something With Drew Barrymore. Please. So We Were Reading Scripts Back And Forth And Then We Found This Script, Fever Pitch...

Hillary Clinton Wrote An Op-ed For A Paper In Iowa About Her Plans To Help The Middle Class. Middle-class Americans Said, 'why Didn't You Just Say That In A Speech?' And She Said, 'because I Charge $200,000 For A Speech.'

At A Recent Education Summit, President Obama Admitted That He Can't Rap. When They Heard, Americans Said, 'good!'

It Would've Been Amazing [to Work As Programmer]. You're Good At Numbers, You're Good With People, You Like To Wear Shorts In The Summertime.

Researchers In The U.k. Have Developed A Vegetable Called "super Broccoli" Designed To Fight Heart Disease. Not To Be Outdone, Researchers In America Have Developed A Way To Stuff An Oreo Inside Another Oreo.

There Are Reports That French President Francois Hollande Had An Affair With An Actress Who Is 18 Years Younger Than Him. It's Pretty Serious. Under French Law, He Could Face Up To 30 High Fives.

Joe Biden Went To Brazil In An Effort To Try And Repair America's Relationship With Their Government. Biden Said, 'it's Great To Be Here In The Amazon. I've Always Wanted To See Where All The Books Come From.'

Newt Gingrich Plans To Announce His Campaign For President This Wednesday. I Don’t Know About His Chances. I Mean, I’m Not Saying Gingrich Peaked In The ‘90s, But His Campaign Is Being Sponsored By Tamagotchis And Crystal Pepsi.

Director Ken Burns Revealed That His Next Documentary Is About Franklin Roosevelt, And It's Fourteen Hours Long...which Sounds Like Too Much, Until You Realize There's Been Over Thirty Hours Of Tv Dedicated To Honey Boo Boo.

The One Thing You Shouldn't Do Is Try To Tell A Cab Driver How To Get Somewhere.

People Are Being Really Picky About The Upcoming Election. I Read That Americans Do Not Want The Next President To Be A First-term Senator, Be Over 65, Or Have A Former President In The Family. Then The Secret Service Said, 'hey, Whoever Slips Through Slips Through. No Promises.'

Shouldn't Every Day Be Earth Day? I Mean, What Are Our Options?

The U.s. Continues The Search For Osama Bin Laden. Reports Suggest That Bin Laden Is Most Likely Hiding Out Somewhere Remote And Barren, Where He Will Not Encounter Others. The Fbi Has Begun Searching Theaters Showing The Movie 'glitter.'

Osama Bin Laden

George W. Bush Gave A Commencement Speech At Southern Methodist University This Weekend. It Was Pretty Inspirational. He Said, 'as I Like To Tell The 'c' Students, You Too Can Be President.' Even George W. Bush Has George W. Bush Comedy Material In His Act.

Hillary Clinton's Younger Brother Tony Is Facing Criticism For Using The Clintons' Political Connections To Help His Career. So On The Down Side, She Has A Sketchy Brother Named Tony. On The Up Side, She Just Locked Up Every Vote In New Jersey.

Senate Democrats Blocked President Obama's Trade Bill Yesterday Because They're Worried It Could Hurt Jobs. It's Not An Issue For Republicans, Since They've All Found Work As Presidential Candidates.

Yesterday, The White House Confirmed That President Obama Will Meet With Pope Francis During His Visit In September. Some Experts Are Wondering If They'll Discuss Their Disagreement Over Contraception. Then Joe Biden Said, 'i Didn't Even Know They Were Dating.'

A Recent Study Found That People Lie More When They Are Texting. Yeah, Especially That One Lie: "sorry, Just Got Your Text!

Democrats Have Been Doing Everything They Can To Get Young People And College Students To Vote In The Midterms. Though If You Want Students To Participate In Something, Maybe You Shouldn't Call Them Midterms.

In A Speech In Texas, Donald Trump Called Hillary Clinton 'easily The Worst Secretary Of State In The History Of Our Country.' When Asked What He Based That On, Trump Said, 'i Heard Me Say It Just Now. So It's Gotta Be True.'

A New Poll Found That Almost 70 Percent Of Voters Say That Whoever Our Next President Is, They Must Have Political Experience. You Know, Because It Would Be Rude To Say 'anyone But Donald Trump.'

The Bp President Said Yesterday That The Company Would Survive. That's Like Someone Running Over Your Dog And Saying, 'don't Worry, My Car Is Fine.'

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Is Going To Israel. He's Going To Be Pretty Disappointed When He Finds Out The Gaza Strip Isn't A Steak.

A New Study Found That Students Who Are Taught Abstinence End Up With Better Math Scores. Of Course, If You Join The Math Team, The Abstinence Takes Care Of Itself.

After Facing Backlash From Customers, Subway Says It Will Remove A Chemical In Its Bread That Is Also Found In Yoga Mats. Some People Were Like, 'you Mean I've Been Eating A Dangerous Chemical?' While Most People Were Like, 'you Mean I Can Eat My Yoga Mat?'

President Obama Spent Election Day Away From Any Press Coverage, Attending Closed-door Meetings Inside The White House. But On The Bright Side, It Is Nice To See Some Doors Actually Closed At The White House. It's A Whole New Secret Service Security Thing.

Donald Trump's Campaign Has Raised About $100,000 In Donations During The Second Quarter. Which Raises An Important Question: Who Is Giving Donald Trump Money? That's Like Giving Your Money To A Pile Of Money.

When I See Professional Clowns, Mimes, Or People Who Makes Ballon Animals, I Think Of Their Relatives And How Disappointed They Must Be.

President Obama Recently Sat Down With Espn And Said The Ncaa Should Reduce The Shot Clock For Basketball Games. Then He Said, 'and While We're At It, Is There Any Way They Can Reduce The 'being President Clock?'

Thank You, People Who Say 'wow, You're Really Photogenic,' For Not Saying What You Really Mean: 'wow, You're Really Ugly In Person.'

Donald Trump's Not Backing Down. Yesterday He Said He Doesn't Need To Be Lectured By The Other Republican Candidates, Who He Says Have No Business Running For President. Not To Be Confused With Donald Trump, Who Ran For President And Now Has No Business.

During A Charity Boxing Match On Friday, Mitt Romney Lasted Two Rounds Against Evander Holyfield And Raised A Million Dollars. It Was Just Like Holyfield's Fight With Mike Tyson, Except Romney Chewed Off His Other Ear Talking About His 18 Grandchildren.

If You're Going To Do A Chris Christie Joke, Just Say, 'christie Spent $82,000 At A Concession Stand At Metlife Stadium. Then He Turned To His Friends And Said, 'you Guys Want Anything?'' That's A Joke. I Can't Believe It. I Caved In. I Feel Awful.

Listening Is More Important Than Talking. Just Hit Your Mark And Believe What You Say. Just Listen To People And React To What They Are Saying.

Got Bin Laden And Interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win For Obama All Around.

The Man Who Invented Doritos Has Passed Away At The Age Of 97. He Asked To Be Buried With The Creator Of Fritos And Cheetos In A Variety Pack.

I Saw That On Small Business Saturday, The President Went Shopping At A Bookstore And Bought 17 Books, Including "the Laughing Monsters," "being Mortal," And "heart Of Darkness." Or As The Cashier Put It, "you Ok, Man? Maybe A Little 'chicken Soup For The Presidential Soul?'

President Obama Has Reduced The Sentences Of 22 Federal Prisoners Who Were Arrested For Drug-related Crimes - Eight Of Whom Were Serving Life Sentences. It Marks The First Time Someone Has Said 'thanks Obama' But Actually Meant It.

[writing A Joke] There Is No Team Of Writers. It's Just You In An Office, Staring At Yourself In The Mirror.

In An Interview, President Obama Said He Recently Deejayed A Small Dance Party At The White House. Obama Has A Lot In Common With Deejays. He Takes Requests And Then Completely Ignores Them.

Father's Day Is Important Because, Besides Being The Day On Which We Honor Dad, It's The One Day Of The Year That Brookstone Does Any Business.

John Walker Lindh, A Twenty-year-old American Studying In Pakistan, Was Captured In Northern Afghanistan Fighting For The Taliban. Experts Call It The Worst Semester Abroad Program Ever.

President Obama Said That Over 40 Countries Have Offered To Help The U.s. Fight Isis. Of Course They Said It The Same Way Your Friends Do When They Promise To Help You Move. 'yeah Just Call Me, You Know, If I'm Around. It'll Be Fun.'

Vladimir Putin Celebrated His 63rd Birthday Today. He Had A Nice Party, But It Got Awkward When Two Of His Friends Got Him The Same Country.

Over The Weekend It Came Out That The U.s. Has Been Listening In On German Chancellor Angela Merkel's Cellphone Since 2002. At This Point, I Feel Like The Only World Leader Our Government Doesn't Listen To Is President Obama.

A Clothing Company Is Making T-shirts Inspired By Bernie Sanders With Messages Like 'feel The Bern.' They Were Gonna Make Them For Lincoln Chafee Too, But No One Wants To Wear A Shirt That Says 'feel The Chafee.'

It's Being Reported That Google Spent Over $5 Million On Lobbying Just During The First Quarter Of This Year. You'd Think Google Wouldn't Really Need To Lobby Politicians. All They Have To Say Is, 'we Have Your Search History. Do What We Tell You.'

A Miami Judge Issued Florida's First Gay Marriage License Yesterday, Which Makes It The 36th State To Legally Perform Gay Marriages. Of Course, Most Florida Residents Are Too Old To Understand What That Means. They'll Say, 'well, I Think All Marriages Should Be Gay, And Merry.'

A Man In Georgia Was Arrested For Burglary After He Left His Facebook Account Open On The Victim's Computer. But This Is Nice: He's Only Been In Jail A Few Hours, And His Status Already Says "in A Relationship!

A New Study Found That A Mother's Diet Affects Her Baby's Allergies. Which Can Only Mean One Thing: My Mom Ate Cats.

In A New Interview, The President Discussed The Upcoming Election. He Said That Hillary Clinton Is Going To Do Great As A Presidential Candidate. When Asked How Biden Would Do, Obama Said, 'hillary's Going To Do Great.'

Rand Paul Is Officially Running For President. He Even Revealed His Campaign Slogan, Which Is 'defeat The Washington Machine. Unleash The American Dream.' It's Hard To Tell If He's Running For President Or Doing An Infomercial For Bowflex.

God Invented Mankind Because He Loved Silly Stories. Ralph Steadman I Like Being Absurd.

Vladimir Putin Bribed A Soccer Official With A Picasso Painting So He Would Support Russia's Bid To Host The 2018 World Cup. Putin Was Like, 'it Wasn't Picasso, Just Picture Of What His Face Would Look Like If He Said No.' (nose Over Here, Eye Up Here, Ear In Forehead.)

Sources Say The Obama Administration Is In The 'final Stages' Of Planning The Closing Of Guantanamo Bay. The Way It's Gonna Work Is, They're Going To Put A Radio Shack Sign Out Front And Let Nature Take Its Course.

Facebook Revealed That Ebola Was The Most Popular Facebook Topic In The U.s. This Year, With The World Cup Coming In Sixth. So Welcome To America, Where Even Ebola Is More Popular Than Soccer.

Yesterday, The Supreme Court Spent Over An Hour Listening To Arguments On Whether Obamacare Is Unconstitutional. Yeah, Listening To Arguments About Obamacare For An Hour, Or As Most People Call That, 'thanksgiving Dinner.'

In A New Poll Of Democratic Voters, Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee Came In With Zero Percent Support. Or In Other Words: We're All Tied With Presidential Candidate Lincoln Chafee.

The White House Announced That President Obama Will Attend A Summit In Kenya This July. When Asked If He's Ever Been To Kenya, Obama Said, 'of Course. I Was Born - No, Bored - Over There. There's Nothing To Do In Kenya.'

My Parents Were Kind Of Over Protective People. Me And My Sister Had To Play In The Backyard All The Time. They Bought Us Bikes For Christmas But Wouldn't Let Us Ride In The Street, We Had To Ride In The Backyard. Another Christmas, My Dad Got Me A Basketball Hoop And Put It In The Middle Of The Lawn! You Can't Dribble On Grass.

I Became A Yankees Fan For A Few Years. But Now, I Gotta Say, I'm Really Rooting For The Red Sox.

I Like Living With Myself. I Mean Obviously, Because Here I Am Interviewing Myself.

Donald Trump Announced That He's Running For President. During His Speech He Told The Crowd That If Elected He Would Be 'the Greatest Jobs President That God Ever Created.' Then God Said, 'hey, Don't Drag Me Into This Publicity Stunt.'

Republican Ted Cruz Announced That He Will Run For President In 2016. So Finally, Carnival Is No Longer The Most Dangerous Cruise In America.

President Obama Broke A World Record After He Reached A Million Followers On Twitter In Just Five Hours. The Only Guys Not Following Obama? His Secret Service Agents. They Lost Track Months Ago.

Hillary Clinton Used A Private Email Account To Conduct Official State Business. Experts Say That If This Violates Any Federal Rules, Then She . . . Will Still Be President.

I Know What You Want. And I Know What You Need. But I'm Gonna Screw It Up, Yeah, Cause I'm An Idiot. And I'm Your Boyfriend.

Barnes & Noble Ceo William Lynch Just Announced That He Is Stepping Down After Three Years. When Asked If He's Looking For A New Job, He Was Like, 'nah, Just Browsing.'

A New Study Found That Women Think Men Holding A Guitar Are More Attractive, Even If They Are Not Playing It. In A Related Story, Guys With An Accordion Will Die Alone.

If You're A Sports Fan You Realize That When You Meet Somebody, Like A Girlfriend, They Kind Of Have To Root For Your Team. They Don't Have A Choice.

Honestly, I Just Want To Keep People Awake. Or At Least Give You One Joke To Go To Bed With.

A New Survey Found That 12 Percent Of Parents Punish Their Kids By Banning Social Networking Sites. The Other 88 Percent Punish Their Kids By Joining Social Networking Sites.

The Illinois Senate Passed A Bill On Wednesday To Legalize Medical Marijuana. The Bill Was Passed After The State Senator Said, 'come On, Dude, Pass It. Come On.'

The White House Encouraged Tom Brady To Be More Of A Role Model. They Would've Said More, But There Was A Drunken Secret Service Agent Streaking Across The Rose Garden.

Jeb Bush Is Facing Criticism After It Was Just Revealed That He Checked Off His Race As 'hispanic' On A Voter Registration Form Back In 2009. When Asked If He Regrets It Now, Bush Said, 'si.'

One Of The Candidates At The Early Gop Debate, George Pataki, Said His Routine Before Every Debate Is To Drink A Diet Lemon Snapple Iced Tea And Pray. Which Is Also The Advice Chris Christie Gets From His Doctor.

Officials From The Soccer Organization Fifa, Which Decides Which Cities Get To Host The World Cup, Are Accused Of Accepting Bribes When Making Their Decision. Of Course The Toughest Part For The Soccer Officials Was Taking Bribes Without Using Their Hands.

Mitt Romney Will Travel To London Where He Will Attend The Olympics Opening Ceremony. Of Course It's Going Ot Be Weird When They're Announcing All The Countries, And He's Like 'got A Bank Account There, Got One There, Two Bank Accounts There.'

London Olympics

This Week The Obama Administration Warned China To Remove Its Secret Agents From The U.s. Then In The Middle Of Obama's Announcement A Plant Behind Him Got Up And Walked Away.

A New Report Claims That William Shakespeare Was A Marijuana User And May Have Been High When He Wrote Some Of His Plays. Which Explains That One Line: 'to Be, Or Not To Be . . . Wait, What Was The Question?'

Bp Wants Twitter To Shut Down A Fake Bp Account That Is Mocking The Oil Company. In Response, Twitter Wants Bp To Shut Down The Oil Leak That's Ruining The Ocean.

The Department Of Agriculture Announced That It Will Ban Six New Strains Of E. Coli. Which Explains Why The Hot Dog Vendor Outside My Building Is Now Just Selling Napkins.

Senator Rand Paul Reflected On Mitt Romney's Potential 2016 Campaign And Said, 'it's Sort Of What Einstein Said, That The Definition Of Insanity Is To Do The Same Thing Over And Over Again And Expect A Different Result.' When Someone Told Him Einstein Didn't Actually Say That, He Said, 'in The Words Of Gandhi, 'my Bad.''

That's Right, Mitt Romney Took On Evander Holyfield In A Boxing Match For Charity, And It Was A Pretty One-sided Fight. But It Was Still Not The Worst Boxing Match We've Seen This Month. This Weekend Vladimir Putin Played In An Exhibition Hockey Game With Some Former Nhl Players And Scored Eight Goals. Even Evander Holyfield And Mitt Romney Said, 'that Looks Fake.'

I Love Nashville. I've Been Here So Many Times... Oh Man, I Would Stay Here For A Year If I Could. It's Just So Much Fun.

Researches At Yale Found A Connection Between Brain Cancer And Work Environment. The No. 1 Most Dangerous Job For Developing Brain Cancer? Plutonium Hat Model.

Nasa Is Developing Space Taxis To Shuttle Astronauts To The International Space Station. And Just Like New York Taxis, They're All Going To Be Driven By Aliens.

During His Weekly Address To The Nation, President Obama Discussed Higher Education And Said, 'the Most Important Skill You Can Sell Is Your Knowledge.' Or As English Majors Working At Starbucks Put It, 'no It's Not.'

L.a., Its Nice, But I Think Of Sunshine And People On Rollerblades Eating Sushi. New York, I Think Of Nighttime, I Think Of Times Square And Broadway And Nightlife And The City That Never Sleeps.

Hurricane Irene ... The Storm Was Huge News. In Fact, The Weather Channel Reported Something They Haven't Seen In Years. Viewers.

During A Speech On Sunday, President Obama Said To The Crowd, 'we've Got To Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote.' This Went On For An Hour Until Someone Finally Fixed His Teleprompter.

New Scientist Magazine Reported That In The Future, Cars Could Be Powered By Hazelnuts. That's Encouraging, Considering An Eight-ounce Jar Of Hazelnuts Costs About Nine Dollars. Yeah, I've Got An Idea For A Car That Runs On Bald Eagle Heads And Faberge Eggs.

I'd Be Nothing Without My Wife. She's The Coolest. She's The Greatest. She Is The Smartest. She's The Funniest. I Love Her So Much. She's Like The - It's Like Your Best Friend For The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Your Best Friend

This Week Biden Said That He Will Decide On A Potential 2016 Presidential Campaign By The Spring Or The Summer. Then He Said, 'whichever Comes First.'

I'm Not A Big Baseball Fan, To Be Honest.

On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love Became The First Black Republican Woman Elected To Congress. She's Also A Mormon. Yeah, A Black Female Republican Mormon. Even Unicorns Are Saying, 'not Buyin' It.'

No-one Gets Beaten To Death Quite Like Hilary Swank

In Pakistan Anti-american Protesters Set A Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurant On Fire. The Protesters Mistakenly Thought They Were Attacking High-ranking U.s. Military Official Colonel Sanders.

New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter Said That He Is Open To Letting Transgender People Serve In The Military. He Said There's No Reason To Prevent People From Being Generals Just Because Of Their Privates.

I Just Heard About A Woman In Germany Who Just Gave Birth To A Baby Boy Named "jihad." Or As The Tsa Put It, "hope You Like Amtrak!

Many People Are Noting The Difference Between Hillary Clinton's Friendly Public Appearances And Her Blunt And Direct Twitter Account. Yeah, She's Nice In Person, And Mean On The Internet. You Know, Kinda Like Everyone.

A Group Called Draft Biden 2016 Has Started Selling Bumper Stickers That Say 'i'm Ridin' With Biden.' It's A Lot Better Than The Other One That Women Around The White House Have Started Using - 'i'm Hidin' From Biden.'

Christine O'donnell Released A Commercial In Which She Says, 'i'm Not A Witch.' That's Pretty Good, Though Not As Effective As Her Opponent's Slogan, 'i'm Not Christine O'donnell.'

The Pipeline Would Run From Canada To The Gulf Coast. It'll Be The Biggest Underground Structure Leading Into The U.s. Then People In Mexico Said, 'eh . . . Second Biggest.'

A Man In Thailand Was Arrested With More Than 10,000 Pairs Of Stolen Underwear. Legal Experts Are Expecting A Brief Trial.

Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Announced That He's Endorsing Mitt Romney For President. It's Good News For Romney. I Mean, You Always Want Chris Christie On Your Side. Unless You're In A Canoe.

There's Always Going To Be Someone Out There... Who Doesn't Believe In You Or Who Thinks Your Head Is Too Big Or You're Not Smart Enough. But Those Are The People You Need To Ignore, And Those Are The Times You Need To Just Keep Doing What You Love Doing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Publicist Told Usa Today That The Actor Has Not Ruled Out Running For Governor Of California, Saying That He Will Make A Decision Soon. Reportedly Arnold Needs That Time To Learn How To Pronounce 'gubernatorial.'

There's A New Facebook App That Will Post A Final Status Update For You After You Die. That's Ridiculous. I Don't Need Someone To Change My Status When I Die. I Need Them To Water My Farmville Crops.

Despite Russia's Move To Raise Interest Rates This Week, The Value Of The Ruble Has Continued To Crash. Russia's Economy Is So Bad, Edward Snowden Had To Put Government Secrets On Craigslist.

Lincoln Chafee, Former Governor Of Rhode Island, Announced He's Running For President. Before He Announced He's Running, His Wife Went On Facebook And Asked His Staff If They Remembered His Password. Because If A Facebook Password Is Too Hard To Remember, The Launch Codes For The Nukes Should Be A Piece Of Cake.

Apple Is Developing A Service Called Home Kit That Will Allow People To Operate Gadgets Like Garage Openers And Thermostats Through One App. In Related News, Please Don't Tell My Parents About This. I Can't Be Explaining This Stuff Every Week.

During An Interview, Former President George W. Bush Discussed His Painting Hobby And Said, 'never Paint Your Wife Or Your Mother.' Then He Added, 'because It's Almost Impossible To Get The Paint Out Of Their Hair.'

While He Was In Utah, Obama Discussed Immigration Reform With Leaders Of The Mormon Church. Obama Introduced The First Lady. Then The Church's President Introduced His First Lady. And His Second Lady. And His Third, Fourth, And Fifth Ladies.

Ten Delta Airlines Baggage Handlers Were Arrested For Smuggling Drugs Into Detroit. Yeah, You Can Tell Delta Was Involved, Because The Drugs Were Supposed To Be Smuggled Into Chicago.

Police In Texas Arrested A Man Who Was Using The Alias 'barack Obama' While Trying To Steal Money From 35 Atms. They Could Tell Something Was Up When A Guy Named Barack Obama Was Trying To Take Money From Banks Instead Of Giving It To Them.

Trending Author

Christina Milian

Mahendra Singh Dhoni

Category