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When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

-Roseanne Barr

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When I Was Three,

Roseanne Barr

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When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

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Night Of The Living Dead

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I Always Was A Writer, But Then I Wanted To Do Stand-up Because I Thought That Was A Way That I Could Perform What I Wrote.

Being Nuts Is Its Own Reward.

A Lot Of People In Television Who've Had Successful Shows Claim The 'roseanne' Show As Their Starting Place, And I'm Really Proud Of That.

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Funny Inspirational

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Humanity Is A Failed Experiment, But I Think I'm God And I'd Like To Start Over. I Don't Want To Die, I Just Want Everyone Else To. I Certainly Would Not Be Lonely. It Would Be Exciting Never Having To Listen To Another Person Again But Just My Own Self Droning On And On. That's Why I Write A Blog. And I Read It, Too.

I Had - After I Sang The 'star Spangled Banner' So Badly, After My Tragic Singing Accident, After That, You Know, All My Stuff Kind Of, Like, Really Got Even More Full Blown And, You Know, I Got Stage Fright And, You Know, I Couldn't Do Stand-up Anymore And Let Alone Sing And All The Other Things.

Tv Is A Language All Its Own, A Land Of One Dimensional Stereotypes That Destroys Culture, Not Adds To It. Tv Is Anti-art, A Reflection Of Consumerism That Serves The Power Structure. Tv Is About Demographics.

I'm Not Upset About My Divorce. I'm Only Upset That I'm Not A Widow.

Impeach The President And The Vice President, They Are Traitors To America, And So Are All Of Their Supporters. Impeach! Anyone In Congress Who Refuses To Save Our Union From These Traitors By Doing Nothing Needs To Be Recalled.

Self-esteem Is The Goddamn Root Of All Evil.

To Expect Life To Treat You Good Is Foolish As Hoping A Bull Won't Hit You Because You Are A Vegetarian.

A Lot Of Men Are Impotent And It's Very Sad. How Many Of You Are Impotent? I See. Can't Get Your Arms Up Either?

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Show Business.

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Nicole Anderson

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