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When I Used To Watch Comedians With My Dad, He Laid It All Out For Me. He Wanted To Be A Comedian Himself, And He Was So Funny. We'd Watch Stand-up On Tv, And He'd Tell Me The Subtext Of What They Were Saying.

-Roseanne Barr

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When I Used To

Roseanne Barr

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When I Used To Watch Comedians With My Dad, He Laid It All Out For Me. He Wanted To Be A Comedian Himself, And He Was So Funny. We'd Watch Stand-up On Tv, And He'd Tell Me The Subtext Of What They Were Saying.

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I'm On The Mirror Diet. You Eat All Your Food In Front Of A Mirror In The Nude. It Works Pretty Good, Though Some Of The Fancier Restaurants Don't Go For It.

The Most Out-there Thing I’m Saying Is, ‘don’t Have Babies. Don’t Get Married And Have Kids. Have A Larger Life Than That.

I Have A Huge Crush On President George W. Bush. I Saw Him At A Recent Fundraiser, And He`s A Babe. He`s Got That Ronald Reagan Charm. I Think He`s Hot. I Respect His Wife, But If He Wasn`t Married I`d Be Putting On My Cowboy Boots And Coming Around.

I'm A Heterosexual. I Don't Know Why I'm Like This. I Was Just Born This Way.

You Know When You First Get Rich, And You, Like, Just Buy Everything That You See? I Did That For Several Years. And I Have Sheds Full Of Things, Maybe Sometimes Nine Copies Of The Same Thing.

You Can Always Get Better. Nobody Can Stop You From Getting Better, And Nobody Can Stop You From Trying To Make Something Right.

I Always Had A Dissociative Disorder. But I Healed From It Over The Course Of 14 Years Of Big-time Therapy. But, You Know, I Mean, Everybody's Kind Of Loony Now. So I Was Kind Of A Pioneer In The Mental Illness Thing, Too.

There Is No Scarier Chasm Of Darkness Than The Human Mind.

I Want To Say That Nobody Accuses Their Parents Of Abusing Them Without Justification To Do That. I Didn't Just Make It Up. A Lot Of Things Were True And Abusive And Horrible Things That Happened To Me That My Father Did.

The Basic Thing Is, People Want To Get Paid, So They'll Say The Things That Get Them Paid, In Entertainment Or Politics.

My Husband Says, 'god, Roseanne, I Can't Remember The Last Time We Had Sex.' Well, I Can, And That Is Why We Ain't Doing It.

There Isn't Any New Man. The New Man Is The Old Man, Only He Whines More.

You Must Never Be Afraid In New York City, Because Then You Will Call Bad Stuff To You And You Will Not Like It There.

I Signed A Deal With Satan Because I Wanted To Get Famous. Then I Forgot I Had A Deal With Satan And Then I Got Really Famous.

Us Needs To Fix Up It's Election System So That Votes Are Fairly Counted, And The Electoral College Is Removed.

As The Books Got More And More Zionist And Less And Less Socialist, My Entire Generation, At Least A Large Percentage Of It, Simply Left Judaism. We Became Buddhist And Hindu And Atheist Or Agnostic, All Of Which (except Christian) Were More In Keeping With Peaceful Self-transformative Ideas That Did Not Bow Down To Militarism.

I Loved Comedy All My Life. I Think It's A Real Powerful Art Form.

A Lot Of Men Are Impotent And It's Very Sad. How Many Of You Are Impotent? I See. Can't Get Your Arms Up Either?

I'm Fat And Proud Of It. If Someone Asks Me How My Diet Is Going, I Say 'fine - How Was Your Lobotomy?'

Tv Family Sitcoms Have Always Been About Fathers Who Know Best And Mothers Who Are So Enchanted With Everything They Do. I Wanted To Be The First Mom To Be A Mom On Tv. I Wanted To Sent Out A Message About How Us Women Really Feel.

Whatever Helps You Sleep Is My Opinion On The Subject, And That's What I Like About The Western World's Most Popular Religion, It Has Helped Put So Many People To Sleep, Although Most Of Them Permanently And Without Their Approval.

Don't Call People Names You Dirty Name Caller You.

When I Used To Watch Comedians With My Dad, He Laid It All Out For Me. He Wanted To Be A Comedian Himself, And He Was So Funny. We'd Watch Stand-up On Tv, And He'd Tell Me The Subtext Of What They Were Saying.

I Thank God For Creating Gay Men. Because If It Wasn't For Them, Us Fat Women Would Have No One To Dance With.

My Children Love Me. I'm Like The Mother They Never Had.

You Know, I'm Blessed. 'blessed' Is A Better Way Of Saying 'rich.'

We Never Get Sick Of Each Other. That's How Sick We Are.

Love And Marriage

A Lot Of Times Nerds Are Really Artists Listening To The Beat Of Another Drummer.

No Government In The Middle East Is Innocent. Wars Make The Stock Market Go Up, So No One In America Is Innocent Either, Nor Anyone Anywhere Where Capitalism Reigns.

Half The World's Starving; The Other Half Is Trying To Lose Weight.

I Consider Myself To Be A Pretty Good Judge Of People... That's Why I Don't Like Any Of Them.

We Had No Religion At All, But We Were Jews In New Hampshire, And My Sister - Who Is Now A Rabbi - Said It Best: We Were, Like, The Only Jews In Bedford, New Hampshire, As Well As The Only Democrats, So We Just Kind Of Associated Those Two Things Together. My Dad Raised Us To Believe That Paying Taxes Is An Honor.

I Was Completely Nuts For Most Of My Life.

Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Personal Opinions

Everyone In America (according To My Generalizations) Is A Potential Millionaire Waiting For His Or Her Big Break. I Was Astonished Lately To Realize That Americans Are Definitely Believing In And Planning For The Future, Despite The Fact That They Elected Ronald Reagan Twice.

Finding A Calm Place Inside Myself Through Meditation Kind Of Helped Me To Get Over A Lot Of Mental Illness ... It's Just Been A Really Great Thing In My Life.

I'm Either Mentally Ill Or Jewish. I Can't Sometimes Tell The Difference.

To Expect Life To Treat You Good Is Foolish As Hoping A Bull Won't Hit You Because You Are A Vegetarian.

I'm Not Upset About My Divorce. I'm Only Upset That I'm Not A Widow.

Abortion Is A Woman's Right.

It's The Night Of The Living Dead. It's Scary Out Here.

Night Of The Living Dead

Why Have I Been Chosen To Deliver The Message Of Female Intelligence And Its Divinity To A Deaf World Of Males? I Have Asked My God That Question And She Answered, 'hey, Why Not You Roseanne?' Indeed, Why Not Each Of Us?

Somewhere Within The Concept Of Justice, The Worst Of The Guilty Must Always Be Removed. I Cannot Divorce This, Not Completely. The People Must Have Justice And So I Want To Reinstate And Enshrine The Blessed And Holy Guillotine!

I Want To Eat, Cook, Meet Famous People And Make Fun Of Them.

I’m Not A Politician. I Think That Uniquely Qualifies Me To Become President Of The U.s.

Husbands Are Never Happy. My Husband Asked Me For More Space, So I Locked Him Out Of The House.

When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

The Fact That My Grown Kids Like To Hang Out With Me, I Mean, It Just - I Don't Think It Really Can Get Any Better Than That, I Don't Think.

I Hate Every Human Being On Earth. I Feel That Everyone Is Beneath Me, And I Feel They Should All Worship Me. That's What I Told My Kids.

I Had - After I Sang The 'star Spangled Banner' So Badly, After My Tragic Singing Accident, After That, You Know, All My Stuff Kind Of, Like, Really Got Even More Full Blown And, You Know, I Got Stage Fright And, You Know, I Couldn't Do Stand-up Anymore And Let Alone Sing And All The Other Things.

I Have Great Parents, And They Both Taught Me Great Things, But My Formative Years Were Boundaryless.

Any Hamas Or Zionist Type Who Tries To Interfere With The Labor Unions And Grab The Money Will Be Marched To The Guillotines And Subsequently Beheaded. And Isn't That Easier And More Productive Than Some Endless, Bloody Conflict? So Sayeth The Gospel Of Common Sense. Happy Mother's Day.

Truth Is Available To The Ears That Can Hear It.

The One Who Cares The Most Wins. ... That's How I Knew I'd End Up With Everyone Else Waving The White Flags And Not Me. That's How I Knew I'd Be The Last Person Standing When It Was All Over. ... I Cared The Most.

I Hate Alcoholics And Aa (alcoholics Anonymous). If You Can't Drink Responsibly, Don't Drink At All. Don't Go To Meetings, Whine About Your Character Flaws And Blame The Fact That You Are A Sociopath On Booze.

The End Of My Addiction To Fame Happened At The Exact Moment Roseanne Dropped Out Of The Top Ten, In The Seventh Of Our Nine Seasons. It Was Mysteriously Instantaneous!

Everything On This Earth Right Now Is About Labor And Slavery. War Is The Only American Export Left That Anyone Wants To Buy.

Anyone With A Show On T.v. Will Tell You It's Backbreaking Work. And If You Have A Big Personality, Which I Have, And You're A Perfectionist, There's Going To Be Head-butting.

'winning' In Hollywood Means Not Just Power, Money, And Complimentary Smoked-salmon Pizza, But Also That Everyone Around You Fails Just As You Are Peaking.

I Try To Do Women's-point-of-view Comedy. The Joke Is, 'this Is What I Think; There's The Truth.' I Try To Think Of Stuff That's Real Broad, But The More Personal It Is, The More Universal It Is. All My Friends Go Through The Same Stuff.

They've Said 'roseanne's Nuts' For Years, And Now I'm Going To Make That A Reality - I'm All About Nuts Now, Macadamia Nuts!

In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

I'm Never Going To Get Married Again. Three Strikes, You're Out. I Think If I Would Try To Get Married Again In California, I Have To Go To Prison, Don't I? I Think You Only Get Three.

Nobody Wanted The "roseanne" Show. I Heard From Agents That There Was No Interest In A Show About A Fat Woman And Her Family.

Eating Cookies That You Bake With Your Grandmother Is One Of The Greatest Social Steps One Must Experience In Order To Grow Up Into A Decent World Citizen, In My Opinion.

Who's Elk Horn Do I Have To Blow In Order To Get Something To Eat Around Here?

In Order To Be Able To Write A Good Joke, You Have To Find The Truth.

My Husband And I Didn't Sign A Pre-nuptial Agreement. We Signed A Mutual Suicide Pact.

Tv Is A Language All Its Own, A Land Of One Dimensional Stereotypes That Destroys Culture, Not Adds To It. Tv Is Anti-art, A Reflection Of Consumerism That Serves The Power Structure. Tv Is About Demographics.

I Like It When Very Little Children Think For Themselves, Because They Do Not Have Access To Car Keys Or Credit Cards Or Crack Pipes, But They Have Some Really Funny Lines.

I Will Barnstorm American Living Rooms. Mainstream Media Will Be Unable To Ignore Me, But More Importantly They Will Be Unable To Overlook The Needs Of Average Americans In The Run-up To The 2012 Election.

Patriarchy Is A Bully Notion, Which If You Will Notice Never Attacks A Nation That Can Defend Itself. Zionism Is Patriarchal And Sets Judaism On Its Head.

Patriarchal Society

I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

A Guy Is A Lump Like A Doughnut. So, First You Gotta Get Rid Of All The Stuff His Mom Did To Him. And Then You Gotta Get Rid Of All That Macho Crap That They Pick Up From Beer Commercials. And Then There's My Personal Favorite, The Male Ego.

I Quit Smoking. I Feel Better. I Smell Better. And It's Safer To Drink Out Of Old Beer Cans Laying Around The House.

I Always Felt That It Was Easier To Take A Funny Person And Teach Them To Write Television Than To Take Somebody Who Was A Television Writer And Make Them Funny.

I Hold To Nothing But Envisioning International Peace And Utopia. We All Have Many More Things In Common Than Not.

Women Are Cursed, And Men Are The Proof.

Funny Relationship

Suddenly, People Had Three Phone Numbers But Never Answered Their Phones.

Meditation State Is A Place Of Deep Relaxation Where You Can Pinpoint The Things You Do And To Set A Paradigm Switch From Effect To Cause. So How To Be A Cause In Your Own Life.

The Day I Worry About Cleaning My House Is The Day Sears Comes Out With A Riding Vacuum Cleaner.

Funny Relationship

A Good Man Doesn't Just Happen. They Have To Be Created By Us Women. A Guy Is A Lump Like This Doughnut.

We're Not Meant To Be Parents When We're 50.

The Real Truth Is, I Just Want To Keep The Voice Of Dissent Alive In All Of Our Elections. I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians.

I Simply Care Nothing For Any Of Your Religions, As All Three Are Fundamentally Flawed, Unlike The Church Of Common Sense, Right From The Start! They Call God He Instead Of She And All Three Would Like To Burn Me At The Stake For Saying That!

I Have Five Kids From Three Marriages. I Come From A Trailer Park. My Sister And Brother Are Both Gay. I Have Multiple Personalities.

I Remember Performing On A Punk Stage With No Mic In The Middle Of A Mosh Pit. My Act Was Called "how To Be A Domestic Goddess."

My Parents ... Had Decided Early On That All Of The Problems In My Family Had Somehow To Do With Me. All Roads Led To Roseyville, A Messy, Chaotic Town Where, As Parents, They Were Required To Visit, But Could Never Get Out Of Quick Enough Or Find A Decent Parking Place.

My Family Were Hitters. If You Made Them Laugh, They Didn't Hit You. My Dad Wouldn't Hit Me If I Got Him With Humor Right Between The Eyes.

Facts And Data, Rather Than Opinion, Are The Two Cornerstones Of Problem Solving, And Yet They Are Consistently Withheld From The People By American Media. We Must Have Facts And Data In Order To Recognize Where There Is A Problem!

My Husband Says, 'roseanne, Don't You Think We Ought To Talk About Our Sexual Problems?' Like I'm Gonna Turn Off Wheel Of Fortune For That.

I Got, Like, Diane Keaton's Manager, And She Was Very Connected; She Had Power. And She Was Like, "your Star Is In Tears On This Comedy. Do You Even Notice That At All?"

I Had Left Home (like All Jewish Girls) In Order To Eat Pork And Take Birth Control Pills. When I First Shared An Intimate Evening With My Husband, I Was Swept Away By The Passion (so Dormant Inside Myself) Of A Long And Tortured Existence. The Physical Cravings I Had Tried So Hard To Deny, Finally And Ultimately Sated ... But Enough About The Pork.

Pot Enables You To Think Clearly Without Any Fear Or Any Limits. It's A Mind-expander, Which Is Part Of Why It's Illegal And Why Drugs Like Vicodin Are Legal.

Birth Control That Really Works - Every Night Before We Go To Bed We Spend An Hour With Our Kids.

I Never Do Anything Fun, Because I'm A Housewife. I Hate That Word 'housewife.' I Prefer To Be Called 'domestic Goddess.'

I Think I'm Hysterical. I Watch Myself On Tape And Just Roar - Isn't That Weird?

Women Should Try To Increase Their Size Rather Than Decrease It, Because I Believe The Bigger We Are, The More Space We'll Take Up, And The More We'll Have To Be Reckoned With.

Women Complain About Pms, But I Think Of It As The Only Time Of The Month When I Can Be Myself.

Most Of The Books Call Her A He, But I Am Able To Ascertain What Is Meant, Despite That Semantic Error.

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Show Business.

Humanity Is A Failed Experiment, But I Think I'm God And I'd Like To Start Over. I Don't Want To Die, I Just Want Everyone Else To. I Certainly Would Not Be Lonely. It Would Be Exciting Never Having To Listen To Another Person Again But Just My Own Self Droning On And On. That's Why I Write A Blog. And I Read It, Too.

Being Hated And Hunted And Blamed For Your Own Suffering Makes People Kind Of Testy, Nervous, And On Edge, And Often Fundamentalist And Extreme. Bombs Get Thrown Only When People Cannot Honestly Talk Together.

There Isn't A Problem On This Earth That A Doughnut Cannot Make Better.

Eat As Much As You'd Like. My Philosophy Has Always Been That All Women Desire To Be As Fat As Myself But Just Have A Great Fear Of Doing So. Because They Think They Won't Get Any Men, But You Will. You'll Get More Men, And Better Men.

Acorn Is Organizing To Make Sure The Job Of Rebuilding New Orleans Is Done By The People Of New Orleans And Truly Benefits The Communities Who Have Been Hurt The Most.

I Say I'm The Only Serious Comedian In The Presidential Race. And I'd Like To Take This Opportunity To Ask Both Romney And Obama To Debate Me. Because I Think That Both Of Those Guys - I Think That The American People Are Being Given A False Choice, Because The Choice Between The Lesser Of Two Evils Is A False Choice.

I Think I Should Be Here Alone To Rethink The World, I Do. I Want These Lesser Humans Gone.

Both The Democratic And Republican Parties Are Bought And Paid For By Corporate America And Cater To The Needs Of The Highest Bidder As Opposed To The People They Claim To Represent. I Cannot Be Bought.

I Want To Be The Girl In Indiana Jones. I Would Love To Do An Adventure Movie Where I Was Saving The World. It Might Be Cool If I Used A Lot Of Kitchen Tools To Fight Off The Enemy.

There's A Lot More To Being A Woman Than Being A Mother, But There's A Hell Of A Lot More To Being A Mother Than Most People Suspect.

You Can Really Learn From Donahue. I Didn't Know You Could Be A Woman In A Man's Body. You Go Out And You Can't Parallel Park.

I Have A Fierce Eating Disorder That Has Survived Even Bariatric Surgery. I Got Even Fatter After That! Hey, Maybe Fat People Are Just Trying To Get Closer To Others, Did Anybody Ever That Of That?!

Eating Disorder

Since I Had My Gastric Bypass Surgery In 1998, I Eat Like A Bird. Unfortunately, That Bird Is A California Condor.

As Prime Minister Of Israel, I Will Introduce A Bill Into The Knesset That Will Simply Pay The Arabs Not To Shoot At The Jews.

Take This Marriage Thing Seriously - It Has To Last All The Way To The Divorce.

Once You Get Away From Wanting To Get Paid, You Can Actually Say Some True Things.

I Was Not Raised A Zionist, But A Socialist, As Were Most Jews Before The Holocaust.

Hillary Clinton And Barack Hussein Obama Cannot Win, And They Are Put In Place To Assure A Victory By Mitt Romney... This Is The Plan Of All The Insurance Companies That Are Owned By Mormon Interests. It Is Unfolding As The Mormon Church Planned Over The Last Fifty Years.

When I Was Little, That Was One Thing That I Was Told In A Vision: I Was Going To Have My Own Show When I Grew Up. And It's Going To Be Funny.

Your Body Is Your Instrument, You Play It Expertly.

Laugh Every Day As Much As You Can.

Politics And Religion In The United States Work Like The Twin Grips Of A Pair Of Pliers On A Critical Mass Of The Masses.

This Bugs Me The Worst. That's When The Husband Thinks That The Wife Knows Where Everything Is, Huh? Like They Think The Uterus Is A Tracking Device. He Comes In: "hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do We Have Any Cheetos Left?" Like He Can't Go Over And Lift Up The Sofa Cushion Himself.

I Know How To Do Anything, I'm A Mom.

I'm A Comic, And I'm Supposed To Outrage And Make People Laugh, Part Of Makin' People Laugh Is To Shake Up Their Thinkin'. That's What I Came Here To Do.

I Am A Woman, Therefore I Am A Problem Solver.

Problem Solvers

Comedy Is The Only Hope For Humanity.

There's Nothing Like A Hardship Song To Set My Toes A-tappin.

My Husband Is Almost As Heavy As I Am. We Were Married In Adjoining Churches.

I First Would Allow The Guilty Bankers To Pay, You Know, The Ability To Pay Back Anything Over $100 Million [of] Personal Wealth Because I Believe In A Maximum Wage Of $100 Million. And If They Are Unable To Live On That Amount Of That Amount Then They Should, You Know, Go To The Reeducation Camps And If That Doesn't Help, Then Being Beheaded.

I Try To Tell People To Keep Having Hope. It's Always What You Don't Know And Don't Expect That's Gonna Be So Great.

I'm Not Going To Vacuum 'til Sears Makes One You Can Ride On.

My Dad Taught Me Swears When I Was A Toddler, And I Saw, At A Really Early Age, That If I Shocked People, I Would Get Approval, And It Made My Arms Itch With Glee. I Got Addicted To It. It Became This Source Of Power In A Totally Powerless Life.

Just Ten Of The Jewish Billionaires On This Earth Have More Than Enough To Transform The Occupied Territories Into Heaven. We Can Put The 'pal' Back In Palestinian.

As A Housewife, I Feel That If The Kids Are Still Alive When My Husband Gets Home From Work, Then Hey, I've Done My Job.

It's Not Really The Job Of A Public Servant To Inspire, But To Get The Job That The People Demand Done. The Democrats Think That If They Have Hope And Are Inspired, Things Will Get Better, But They Actually Won't.

My Hope Is That Gays Will Be Running The World, Because Then There Would Be No War. Just A Greater Emphasis On Military Apparel.

I Used To Want To Be A Movie Star So I Wouldn't Have To Live In Trailers Anymore. And Now That I Make Movies, I Spend A Lot Of My Life Living In Trailers.

Oh, Hi. I Been Married Thirteen Years, And Lemme Tell You, It's A Thrill To Be Out Of The House. I Never Get Out Of The House. I Stay Home All The Time. I Never Do Anything Fun 'cause I'm A Housewife. I Hate The Word "housewife." I Prefer To Be Called "domestic Goddess.

I Can't Have Cats Around Me Because They Try To Steal My Energy.

After My 1985 Appearance On The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I Was Wooed By Producers In Hollywood, Who Told Me They Wanted To Turn My Act Into A Sitcom.

My Real Life Is Funnier Than Anything On Tv.

Being Nuts Is Its Own Reward.

Two Things Do Me In: One's Chocolate Cake, The Other's Hypocrisy.

I've Never Done Anything For Money, And That Is Why I Got Money. When You Do Stuff For Money, You Never Get Money.

It's A Big Culture Of Mind Control Too, Mk-ultra Mind Control Rules In Hollywood. If You Don't Know That, Google It And Look Into It. It's Really Hard For Artists To Find Their Voice In The Media. It's Levels Of Brainwashing And Mind Control.

I Like Facts And Data Because They Help Me Think Clearly, Beyond The Cultural Messages That I Ingest Unwittingly, And Sometimes Find Myself Regurgitating Almost Unconsciously.

I Know That I Pay 48 Percent Of My Income To Taxes. You Know, I Wouldn't Mind So Much If It Wasn't Going Just To Export War. If It Was Actually Going To Help The People Of The United States, I Would Gladly Pay More.

Adults In A Free Country Should Be Able To Smoke A Joint If They Want To.

I'm A Farmer Now, And It's Fantastic. My Goal Is To Be Totally Self-sufficient And Grow Everything That I Eat. There's Something About Earning Your Dinner That's Cool.

Judaism Is One Of The Last Of The World's Matrilineal Philosophies. Matriarchies Are Always The Cultures That Patriarchy Attacks And Decimates, Because They Don't Spend All Their Money On The Military Like Patriarchy Does. They Are Easy Prey.

The Only Options Open For Girls Then Were Of Course Mother, Secretary Or Teacher. At Least That's What We All Thought And Were Preparing Ourselves For. Now, I Must Say How Lucky We Are, As Women, To Live In An Age Where 'dental Hygienist' Has Been Added To The List.

I Believe In Equal Rights For All Citizens. One Law For All.

Men Read Maps Better Than Women Because Only Men Can Understand The Concept Of An Inch Equaling A Hundred Miles.

Self-esteem Is The Goddamn Root Of All Evil.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach. And, As Woody Allen Says, Those Who Can't Teach, Teach Gym. And, As I Say, Those Who Can't Teach Gym Become Experts. That's Who We Look To For Answers These Days-the People Telling You How To Make Your Marriage Work. Men Telling Women How To Raise Their Self-esteem. The Only Thing That Cures Everything Is Talking To People Who Have The Same Problem You Do. The Rest Is Just A Moneymaking Bullshit Scheme That Some Asshole Is Getting Rich On.

I Had One Kid With The Birth Control Pill, I Had One With The Diaphram And I Had One With The I.u.d. I Don't Even Know What Happened With My I.u.d. It Never Came Out. But I Have My Suspicions Because That Kid Picks Up Hbo.

Everything That`s Written About Me Has Such A Negative Taint. It Just Has A Life Of Its Own, Like An Avalanche, And I Don`t Think There`s Anything I Can Do To Stop It.

Legalize Hemp And Allow Women To Grow It And Make Food, Clothing And Housing For Pennies From It And Legalize Marijuana Too. Let Women Integrate Their Divided Consciousness With A Natural Herb Instead Of Doctors' Pills That Kill The Liver.

The Quickest Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Chest.

I Avoided Reality For Most Of My Life. But Once You Deal With It, It's Kind Of Cool.

I Used To Play Barbies With My Mormon Neighbor Friend; It Was Always, "oh, We're Going To Go On A Date. Ken's Taking Us Out, And We're Going With Ken On A Date." And I Was Like, "we're Parachuting Behind Enemy Lines To Save The Jews." That's How I Played Barbies. I Was Told When I Was A Girl That Every Jewish Woman Has To Have Five Children To Replace Three Fifths Of Our People That Were Killed. That's How I Was Raised.

You Know What, When I Was Thin, I Thought There Was A Fat Girl Trying To Get Out Of Me.

Diets Are A Temporary Solution To A Permanent Problem.

A Lot Of People In Television Who've Had Successful Shows Claim The 'roseanne' Show As Their Starting Place, And I'm Really Proud Of That.

The American People Are Sick And Tired Of This ‘lesser Evil’ Garbage They Get Fed Every Election Year. Both The Democrats And The Republicans Do The Same Evils Once They’re In Office...

Growing Up In A Jewish Matriarchal World Inside The Patriarchal Paradise Of Salt Lake City, Utah, Gave Me Increased Perspective On Gender Issues, As It Also Did My Gay Brother And My Lesbian Sister. Our Younger Sister Is The Perfect Jewish-american Wife And Mother, And Is Fiercely Proud Of That Fact.

Without Democracy In Our Homes, We Will Never Have It In The World.

To Say That I Have An Undisciplined Mind Would Not Be Incorrect Overall, But It's A Little Off The Mark Because I Have Great Discipline When I Write - But Only For About Ten Minutes.

I'm Funnier Now Because I'm Braver And Less Full Of Hate, So Everything Is Even More Ridiculous Than It Was Before.

I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians. I'd Rather Go Straight To Hell, And Not Collect $200.

I'm Just Into Spirituality. I Believe That In A Previous Life I Used To Be Shirley Maclaine.

I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

Excuse The Mess But We Live Here.

And, You Know, I Liked Writing Humor. Well, I Should Say, I Wanted To Write Seriously, But It Kept Turning Funny.

If You Spend All Your Time Worrying About Dying, Living Isn't Going To Be Much Fun.

Everything Here Must Be Done Twice As No One Can Do It Right The First Time.

I Actually Get More Conservative When I'm In Vegas.

I Think That All Comics Or Humorists, Or Whatever We Are, Ask Questions. That's What We're Supposed To Do. But I Not Only Ask The Questions, I Offer Solutions.

I Never Consciously Set Out To Talk About Taboos Or Anything Like That.

Patriarchy Is Impotent And Qualitatively Unable To Solve Even The Most Simple Problems In The Cosmos Such As Picking Up Their Own Socks Or Placing A Carton Of Milk Back In The Refrigerator After Drinking From It.

I Loved Work And I Loved Pouring Myself Into The Work, You Know. It Was The Real Life That I Had Trouble With.

Impeach The President And The Vice President, They Are Traitors To America, And So Are All Of Their Supporters. Impeach! Anyone In Congress Who Refuses To Save Our Union From These Traitors By Doing Nothing Needs To Be Recalled.

Illiteracy Is A Huge Problem In America. One In Three Adults In Our Country Is Illiterate.

The Thing Women Have Yet To Learn Is Nobody Gives You Power. You Just Take It.

My Daughter Made Me A Jerry Springer-watching Kit, With Crackers, Cheez Whiz, Polyester Stretch Pants And A T-shirt With Two Fat Women Fighting Over A Skinny Guy.

Have You Heard About The Women Who Stabbed Her Husband 37 Times? I Admire Her Restraint.

Honestly, A Lot Of The Human Etiquette I Learned In Life I Learned From, Like, Thank-you Notes And Dating Jimmy Kimmel.

I Meditate So I Know How To Find A Peaceful Place Within To Be Calm And Peaceful.

I Used To Think That Communing With Nature Was A Healing, Positive Thing. Now, I Think I'd Like To Commune With Other Things - Like Room Service And Temperature Control.

My Grandmother ... Came Here, Not Only Like So Many Others Because Of The Streets 'being Paved With Gold' And All, But Because She Wanted To Leave The Place Where The Streets Were Paved With People Who Had Not Gone To America.

I Have More Money Than God, But Not As Much As Oprah.

One Of The First Things I Bought When I Made 'roseanne Show' Money Was A Farm In Iowa.

I'm So Much More Famous Than I Am Financially Successful.

I Always Was A Writer, But Then I Wanted To Do Stand-up Because I Thought That Was A Way That I Could Perform What I Wrote.

You May Marry The Man Of Your Dreams, Ladies, But Fourteen Years Later You're Married To A Couch That Burps.

I Call Myself A 'domestic Goddess.

My Kids Were Completely Out Of Control, While I Was Working Fifteen Hours A Day Plus Weekends. I Screamed A Lot, Something I'm Not Particularly Proud Of, But It Was That Or Firearms.

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