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I Had Left Home (like All Jewish Girls) In Order To Eat Pork And Take Birth Control Pills. When I First Shared An Intimate Evening With My Husband, I Was Swept Away By The Passion (so Dormant Inside Myself) Of A Long And Tortured Existence. The Physical Cravings I Had Tried So Hard To Deny, Finally And Ultimately Sated ... But Enough About The Pork.

-Roseanne Barr

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I Had Left Home

Roseanne Barr

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I Had Left Home (like All Jewish Girls) In Order To Eat Pork And Take Birth Control Pills. When I First Shared An Intimate Evening With My Husband, I Was Swept Away By The Passion (so Dormant Inside Myself) Of A Long And Tortured Existence. The Physical Cravings I Had Tried So Hard To Deny, Finally And Ultimately Sated ... But Enough About The Pork.

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Women Of This Planet Need Some Essential Resources: Wells, Seeds And Roads. That Is Primarily All We Have Ever Needed. Added To That, Women Need Righteous And Strong Men Who Will Help Us To Use Our Most Cherished Gifts: The Ability To Multitask And Problem Solve.

I've Never Done Anything For Money, And That Is Why I Got Money. When You Do Stuff For Money, You Never Get Money.

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Patriarchy Is Impotent And Qualitatively Unable To Solve Even The Most Simple Problems In The Cosmos Such As Picking Up Their Own Socks Or Placing A Carton Of Milk Back In The Refrigerator After Drinking From It.

My Husband Is Almost As Heavy As I Am. We Were Married In Adjoining Churches.

I Avoided Reality For Most Of My Life. But Once You Deal With It, It's Kind Of Cool.

This Bugs Me The Worst. That's When The Husband Thinks That The Wife Knows Where Everything Is, Huh? Like They Think The Uterus Is A Tracking Device. He Comes In: "hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do We Have Any Cheetos Left?" Like He Can't Go Over And Lift Up The Sofa Cushion Himself.

I Call Myself A 'domestic Goddess.

Legalize Hemp And Allow Women To Grow It And Make Food, Clothing And Housing For Pennies From It And Legalize Marijuana Too. Let Women Integrate Their Divided Consciousness With A Natural Herb Instead Of Doctors' Pills That Kill The Liver.

To Expect Life To Treat You Good Is Foolish As Hoping A Bull Won't Hit You Because You Are A Vegetarian.

I Never Consciously Set Out To Talk About Taboos Or Anything Like That.

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The Thing Women Have Yet To Learn Is Nobody Gives You Power. You Just Take It.

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Us Needs To Fix Up It's Election System So That Votes Are Fairly Counted, And The Electoral College Is Removed.

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Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Personal Opinions

In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

My Children Love Me. I'm Like The Mother They Never Had.

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Finding A Calm Place Inside Myself Through Meditation Kind Of Helped Me To Get Over A Lot Of Mental Illness ... It's Just Been A Really Great Thing In My Life.

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I Want To Say That Nobody Accuses Their Parents Of Abusing Them Without Justification To Do That. I Didn't Just Make It Up. A Lot Of Things Were True And Abusive And Horrible Things That Happened To Me That My Father Did.

They've Said 'roseanne's Nuts' For Years, And Now I'm Going To Make That A Reality - I'm All About Nuts Now, Macadamia Nuts!

A Lot Of People In Television Who've Had Successful Shows Claim The 'roseanne' Show As Their Starting Place, And I'm Really Proud Of That.

I Have Horrible Stage Fright - You Know How You Go Through The Bi-polar Stage Fright Thing? Then You Go On Drugs To Get Over The Stage Fright And Perform, But Then You're Not Funny At All.

Being Nuts Is Its Own Reward.

Ever Since I Was A Girl, I Have Written About One To Five Pages Every Day - On Napkins, On Scrap Paper, In Notebooks And Tablets, On The Walls In My Room As A Teenager, And In Orange Paint On The Cheap White Plastic Blinds In My Room.

Once You Get Away From Wanting To Get Paid, You Can Actually Say Some True Things.

Most Of The Books Call Her A He, But I Am Able To Ascertain What Is Meant, Despite That Semantic Error.

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I Hate Alcoholics And Aa (alcoholics Anonymous). If You Can't Drink Responsibly, Don't Drink At All. Don't Go To Meetings, Whine About Your Character Flaws And Blame The Fact That You Are A Sociopath On Booze.

I'm Enjoying My Life, Post-menopause, So Much. It's Just So Great To Grow Into Yourself, And Not Be Bothered With All That Tyranny Of Biology.

Birth Control That Really Works - Every Night Before We Go To Bed We Spend An Hour With Our Kids.

My Dad Taught Me Swears When I Was A Toddler, And I Saw, At A Really Early Age, That If I Shocked People, I Would Get Approval, And It Made My Arms Itch With Glee. I Got Addicted To It. It Became This Source Of Power In A Totally Powerless Life.

Adults In A Free Country Should Be Able To Smoke A Joint If They Want To.

You Can Always Get Better. Nobody Can Stop You From Getting Better, And Nobody Can Stop You From Trying To Make Something Right.

To Say That I Have An Undisciplined Mind Would Not Be Incorrect Overall, But It's A Little Off The Mark Because I Have Great Discipline When I Write - But Only For About Ten Minutes.

A Lot Of People Who Are Actors And Artists Who Work In Hollywood Come From A Background Of Abuse, And You Can Make Abused People Very Fearful And They'll Do What They're Told. Hollywood Definitely Has A Point Of View That It Sells.

I Consider Myself To Be A Pretty Good Judge Of People... That's Why I Don't Like Any Of Them.

My Husband Says, 'roseanne, Don't You Think We Ought To Talk About Our Sexual Problems?' Like I'm Gonna Turn Off Wheel Of Fortune For That.

My Grandmother ... Came Here, Not Only Like So Many Others Because Of The Streets 'being Paved With Gold' And All, But Because She Wanted To Leave The Place Where The Streets Were Paved With People Who Had Not Gone To America.

I Loved Work And I Loved Pouring Myself Into The Work, You Know. It Was The Real Life That I Had Trouble With.

Both The Democratic And Republican Parties Are Bought And Paid For By Corporate America And Cater To The Needs Of The Highest Bidder As Opposed To The People They Claim To Represent. I Cannot Be Bought.

I'm So Much More Famous Than I Am Financially Successful.

I Am A Woman, Therefore I Am A Problem Solver.

Problem Solvers

Politics And Religion In The United States Work Like The Twin Grips Of A Pair Of Pliers On A Critical Mass Of The Masses.

I Will Barnstorm American Living Rooms. Mainstream Media Will Be Unable To Ignore Me, But More Importantly They Will Be Unable To Overlook The Needs Of Average Americans In The Run-up To The 2012 Election.

Everything That`s Written About Me Has Such A Negative Taint. It Just Has A Life Of Its Own, Like An Avalanche, And I Don`t Think There`s Anything I Can Do To Stop It.

It's Okay To Be Fat. So You're Fat. Just Be Fat And Shut Up About It.

There's Nothing Like A Hardship Song To Set My Toes A-tappin.

You Can Really Learn From Donahue. I Didn't Know You Could Be A Woman In A Man's Body. You Go Out And You Can't Parallel Park.

A Guy Is A Lump Like A Doughnut. So, First You Gotta Get Rid Of All The Stuff His Mom Did To Him. And Then You Gotta Get Rid Of All That Macho Crap That They Pick Up From Beer Commercials. And Then There's My Personal Favorite, The Male Ego.

I Have Five Kids From Three Marriages. I Come From A Trailer Park. My Sister And Brother Are Both Gay. I Have Multiple Personalities.

I Always Felt That It Was Easier To Take A Funny Person And Teach Them To Write Television Than To Take Somebody Who Was A Television Writer And Make Them Funny.

Experts Say You Should Never Hit Your Children In Anger. When Is A Good Time? When You're Feeling Festive?

Funny Inspirational

I Figure If The Kids Are Alive At The End Of The Day, I've Done My Job.

I Try To Tell People To Keep Having Hope. It's Always What You Don't Know And Don't Expect That's Gonna Be So Great.

When I Was Little, That Was One Thing That I Was Told In A Vision: I Was Going To Have My Own Show When I Grew Up. And It's Going To Be Funny.

A Good Man Doesn't Just Happen. They Have To Be Created By Us Women. A Guy Is A Lump Like This Doughnut.

Impeach The President And The Vice President, They Are Traitors To America, And So Are All Of Their Supporters. Impeach! Anyone In Congress Who Refuses To Save Our Union From These Traitors By Doing Nothing Needs To Be Recalled.

Women Complain About Pms, But I Think Of It As The Only Time Of The Month When I Can Be Myself.

I Hate Every Human Being On Earth. I Feel That Everyone Is Beneath Me, And I Feel They Should All Worship Me. That's What I Told My Kids.

We're Not Meant To Be Parents When We're 50.

Why Have I Been Chosen To Deliver The Message Of Female Intelligence And Its Divinity To A Deaf World Of Males? I Have Asked My God That Question And She Answered, 'hey, Why Not You Roseanne?' Indeed, Why Not Each Of Us?

It's The Night Of The Living Dead. It's Scary Out Here.

Night Of The Living Dead

I Like It When Very Little Children Think For Themselves, Because They Do Not Have Access To Car Keys Or Credit Cards Or Crack Pipes, But They Have Some Really Funny Lines.

Pot Enables You To Think Clearly Without Any Fear Or Any Limits. It's A Mind-expander, Which Is Part Of Why It's Illegal And Why Drugs Like Vicodin Are Legal.

I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

Abortion Is A Woman's Right.

Suddenly, People Had Three Phone Numbers But Never Answered Their Phones.

The Basic Thing Is, People Want To Get Paid, So They'll Say The Things That Get Them Paid, In Entertainment Or Politics.

A Lot Of Times Nerds Are Really Artists Listening To The Beat Of Another Drummer.

I Know That I Pay 48 Percent Of My Income To Taxes. You Know, I Wouldn't Mind So Much If It Wasn't Going Just To Export War. If It Was Actually Going To Help The People Of The United States, I Would Gladly Pay More.

My Family Were Hitters. If You Made Them Laugh, They Didn't Hit You. My Dad Wouldn't Hit Me If I Got Him With Humor Right Between The Eyes.

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