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I Loved Comedy All My Life. I Think It's A Real Powerful Art Form.

-Roseanne Barr

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I Loved Comedy All

Roseanne Barr

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I Loved Comedy All My Life. I Think It's A Real Powerful Art Form.

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I Had One Kid With The Birth Control Pill, I Had One With The Diaphram And I Had One With The I.u.d. I Don't Even Know What Happened With My I.u.d. It Never Came Out. But I Have My Suspicions Because That Kid Picks Up Hbo.

When I Was Little, That Was One Thing That I Was Told In A Vision: I Was Going To Have My Own Show When I Grew Up. And It's Going To Be Funny.

I Hate Alcoholics And Aa (alcoholics Anonymous). If You Can't Drink Responsibly, Don't Drink At All. Don't Go To Meetings, Whine About Your Character Flaws And Blame The Fact That You Are A Sociopath On Booze.

The Only Options Open For Girls Then Were Of Course Mother, Secretary Or Teacher. At Least That's What We All Thought And Were Preparing Ourselves For. Now, I Must Say How Lucky We Are, As Women, To Live In An Age Where 'dental Hygienist' Has Been Added To The List.

No Government In The Middle East Is Innocent. Wars Make The Stock Market Go Up, So No One In America Is Innocent Either, Nor Anyone Anywhere Where Capitalism Reigns.

Tv Family Sitcoms Have Always Been About Fathers Who Know Best And Mothers Who Are So Enchanted With Everything They Do. I Wanted To Be The First Mom To Be A Mom On Tv. I Wanted To Sent Out A Message About How Us Women Really Feel.

Everyone In America (according To My Generalizations) Is A Potential Millionaire Waiting For His Or Her Big Break. I Was Astonished Lately To Realize That Americans Are Definitely Believing In And Planning For The Future, Despite The Fact That They Elected Ronald Reagan Twice.

You Can Really Learn From Donahue. I Didn't Know You Could Be A Woman In A Man's Body. You Go Out And You Can't Parallel Park.

I'm A Farmer Now, And It's Fantastic. My Goal Is To Be Totally Self-sufficient And Grow Everything That I Eat. There's Something About Earning Your Dinner That's Cool.

I Always Had A Dissociative Disorder. But I Healed From It Over The Course Of 14 Years Of Big-time Therapy. But, You Know, I Mean, Everybody's Kind Of Loony Now. So I Was Kind Of A Pioneer In The Mental Illness Thing, Too.

The Most Out-there Thing I’m Saying Is, ‘don’t Have Babies. Don’t Get Married And Have Kids. Have A Larger Life Than That.

We're Not Meant To Be Parents When We're 50.

I Used To Think That Communing With Nature Was A Healing, Positive Thing. Now, I Think I'd Like To Commune With Other Things - Like Room Service And Temperature Control.

I Have Great Parents, And They Both Taught Me Great Things, But My Formative Years Were Boundaryless.

Growing Up In A Jewish Matriarchal World Inside The Patriarchal Paradise Of Salt Lake City, Utah, Gave Me Increased Perspective On Gender Issues, As It Also Did My Gay Brother And My Lesbian Sister. Our Younger Sister Is The Perfect Jewish-american Wife And Mother, And Is Fiercely Proud Of That Fact.

We Never Get Sick Of Each Other. That's How Sick We Are.

Love And Marriage

I Figure If The Kids Are Alive At The End Of The Day, I've Done My Job.

I Like To Get People Talking. I Am A Provocateur, And I Do Like Getting On Twitter And Riling People Up. You Know What, After A While Some Sane Dialogue And Sane Conclusions Come Of That Kind Of Thing.

I Say I'm The Only Serious Comedian In The Presidential Race. And I'd Like To Take This Opportunity To Ask Both Romney And Obama To Debate Me. Because I Think That Both Of Those Guys - I Think That The American People Are Being Given A False Choice, Because The Choice Between The Lesser Of Two Evils Is A False Choice.

Ever Since I Was A Girl, I Have Written About One To Five Pages Every Day - On Napkins, On Scrap Paper, In Notebooks And Tablets, On The Walls In My Room As A Teenager, And In Orange Paint On The Cheap White Plastic Blinds In My Room.

A Lot Of People In Television Who've Had Successful Shows Claim The 'roseanne' Show As Their Starting Place, And I'm Really Proud Of That.

I Have A Huge Crush On President George W. Bush. I Saw Him At A Recent Fundraiser, And He`s A Babe. He`s Got That Ronald Reagan Charm. I Think He`s Hot. I Respect His Wife, But If He Wasn`t Married I`d Be Putting On My Cowboy Boots And Coming Around.

Tv Is A Language All Its Own, A Land Of One Dimensional Stereotypes That Destroys Culture, Not Adds To It. Tv Is Anti-art, A Reflection Of Consumerism That Serves The Power Structure. Tv Is About Demographics.

I Quit Smoking. I Feel Better. I Smell Better. And It's Safer To Drink Out Of Old Beer Cans Laying Around The House.

I Think That All Comics Or Humorists, Or Whatever We Are, Ask Questions. That's What We're Supposed To Do. But I Not Only Ask The Questions, I Offer Solutions.

The Fact That My Grown Kids Like To Hang Out With Me, I Mean, It Just - I Don't Think It Really Can Get Any Better Than That, I Don't Think.

Patriarchy Is Impotent And Qualitatively Unable To Solve Even The Most Simple Problems In The Cosmos Such As Picking Up Their Own Socks Or Placing A Carton Of Milk Back In The Refrigerator After Drinking From It.

Since I Had My Gastric Bypass Surgery In 1998, I Eat Like A Bird. Unfortunately, That Bird Is A California Condor.

The One Who Cares The Most Wins. ... That's How I Knew I'd End Up With Everyone Else Waving The White Flags And Not Me. That's How I Knew I'd Be The Last Person Standing When It Was All Over. ... I Cared The Most.

My Husband And I Didn't Sign A Pre-nuptial Agreement. We Signed A Mutual Suicide Pact.

I Always Was A Writer, But Then I Wanted To Do Stand-up Because I Thought That Was A Way That I Could Perform What I Wrote.

Everything That`s Written About Me Has Such A Negative Taint. It Just Has A Life Of Its Own, Like An Avalanche, And I Don`t Think There`s Anything I Can Do To Stop It.

There's Nothing Like A Hardship Song To Set My Toes A-tappin.

The Real Truth Is, I Just Want To Keep The Voice Of Dissent Alive In All Of Our Elections. I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians.

I Have More Money Than God, But Not As Much As Oprah.

And, You Know, I Liked Writing Humor. Well, I Should Say, I Wanted To Write Seriously, But It Kept Turning Funny.

Being Nuts Is Its Own Reward.

After My 1985 Appearance On The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I Was Wooed By Producers In Hollywood, Who Told Me They Wanted To Turn My Act Into A Sitcom.

One Of The First Things I Bought When I Made 'roseanne Show' Money Was A Farm In Iowa.

In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

Two Things Do Me In: One's Chocolate Cake, The Other's Hypocrisy.

Pot Enables You To Think Clearly Without Any Fear Or Any Limits. It's A Mind-expander, Which Is Part Of Why It's Illegal And Why Drugs Like Vicodin Are Legal.

I'm Never Going To Get Married Again. Three Strikes, You're Out. I Think If I Would Try To Get Married Again In California, I Have To Go To Prison, Don't I? I Think You Only Get Three.

Diets Are A Temporary Solution To A Permanent Problem.

I First Would Allow The Guilty Bankers To Pay, You Know, The Ability To Pay Back Anything Over $100 Million [of] Personal Wealth Because I Believe In A Maximum Wage Of $100 Million. And If They Are Unable To Live On That Amount Of That Amount Then They Should, You Know, Go To The Reeducation Camps And If That Doesn't Help, Then Being Beheaded.

The Quickest Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Chest.

The Basic Thing Is, People Want To Get Paid, So They'll Say The Things That Get Them Paid, In Entertainment Or Politics.

To Say That I Have An Undisciplined Mind Would Not Be Incorrect Overall, But It's A Little Off The Mark Because I Have Great Discipline When I Write - But Only For About Ten Minutes.

My Real Life Is Funnier Than Anything On Tv.

I'm Just Into Spirituality. I Believe That In A Previous Life I Used To Be Shirley Maclaine.

Humanity Is A Failed Experiment, But I Think I'm God And I'd Like To Start Over. I Don't Want To Die, I Just Want Everyone Else To. I Certainly Would Not Be Lonely. It Would Be Exciting Never Having To Listen To Another Person Again But Just My Own Self Droning On And On. That's Why I Write A Blog. And I Read It, Too.

Somewhere Within The Concept Of Justice, The Worst Of The Guilty Must Always Be Removed. I Cannot Divorce This, Not Completely. The People Must Have Justice And So I Want To Reinstate And Enshrine The Blessed And Holy Guillotine!

Putting Measures Like Gay Marriage On Ballots For Elections Only Hurts The Gay Rights Cause And Elects More Conservative Politicians.

Birth Control That Really Works - Every Night Before We Go To Bed We Spend An Hour With Our Kids.

I Was Completely Nuts For Most Of My Life.

I Never Do Anything Fun, Because I'm A Housewife. I Hate That Word 'housewife.' I Prefer To Be Called 'domestic Goddess.'

Experts Say You Should Never Hit Your Children In Anger. When Is A Good Time? When You're Feeling Festive?

Funny Inspirational

A Guy Is A Lump Like A Doughnut. So, First You Gotta Get Rid Of All The Stuff His Mom Did To Him. And Then You Gotta Get Rid Of All That Macho Crap That They Pick Up From Beer Commercials. And Then There's My Personal Favorite, The Male Ego.

I Loved Work And I Loved Pouring Myself Into The Work, You Know. It Was The Real Life That I Had Trouble With.

I'm Fat And Proud Of It. If Someone Asks Me How My Diet Is Going, I Say 'fine - How Was Your Lobotomy?'

Men Read Maps Better Than Women Because Only Men Can Understand The Concept Of An Inch Equaling A Hundred Miles.

Who's Elk Horn Do I Have To Blow In Order To Get Something To Eat Around Here?

I Try To Do Women's-point-of-view Comedy. The Joke Is, 'this Is What I Think; There's The Truth.' I Try To Think Of Stuff That's Real Broad, But The More Personal It Is, The More Universal It Is. All My Friends Go Through The Same Stuff.

My Daughter Made Me A Jerry Springer-watching Kit, With Crackers, Cheez Whiz, Polyester Stretch Pants And A T-shirt With Two Fat Women Fighting Over A Skinny Guy.

We Had No Religion At All, But We Were Jews In New Hampshire, And My Sister - Who Is Now A Rabbi - Said It Best: We Were, Like, The Only Jews In Bedford, New Hampshire, As Well As The Only Democrats, So We Just Kind Of Associated Those Two Things Together. My Dad Raised Us To Believe That Paying Taxes Is An Honor.

Anyone With A Show On T.v. Will Tell You It's Backbreaking Work. And If You Have A Big Personality, Which I Have, And You're A Perfectionist, There's Going To Be Head-butting.

I Will Barnstorm American Living Rooms. Mainstream Media Will Be Unable To Ignore Me, But More Importantly They Will Be Unable To Overlook The Needs Of Average Americans In The Run-up To The 2012 Election.

There Is No Scarier Chasm Of Darkness Than The Human Mind.

My Kids Were Completely Out Of Control, While I Was Working Fifteen Hours A Day Plus Weekends. I Screamed A Lot, Something I'm Not Particularly Proud Of, But It Was That Or Firearms.

I Think I Should Be Here Alone To Rethink The World, I Do. I Want These Lesser Humans Gone.

I Want To Eat, Cook, Meet Famous People And Make Fun Of Them.

Don't Call People Names You Dirty Name Caller You.

Women Are Cursed, And Men Are The Proof.

Funny Relationship

My Family Were Hitters. If You Made Them Laugh, They Didn't Hit You. My Dad Wouldn't Hit Me If I Got Him With Humor Right Between The Eyes.

I Consider Myself To Be A Pretty Good Judge Of People... That's Why I Don't Like Any Of Them.

Eat As Much As You'd Like. My Philosophy Has Always Been That All Women Desire To Be As Fat As Myself But Just Have A Great Fear Of Doing So. Because They Think They Won't Get Any Men, But You Will. You'll Get More Men, And Better Men.

When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

Your Body Is Your Instrument, You Play It Expertly.

I Want To Be The Girl In Indiana Jones. I Would Love To Do An Adventure Movie Where I Was Saving The World. It Might Be Cool If I Used A Lot Of Kitchen Tools To Fight Off The Enemy.

It's A Big Culture Of Mind Control Too, Mk-ultra Mind Control Rules In Hollywood. If You Don't Know That, Google It And Look Into It. It's Really Hard For Artists To Find Their Voice In The Media. It's Levels Of Brainwashing And Mind Control.

I'm On The Mirror Diet. You Eat All Your Food In Front Of A Mirror In The Nude. It Works Pretty Good, Though Some Of The Fancier Restaurants Don't Go For It.

Why Have I Been Chosen To Deliver The Message Of Female Intelligence And Its Divinity To A Deaf World Of Males? I Have Asked My God That Question And She Answered, 'hey, Why Not You Roseanne?' Indeed, Why Not Each Of Us?

My Dad Taught Me Swears When I Was A Toddler, And I Saw, At A Really Early Age, That If I Shocked People, I Would Get Approval, And It Made My Arms Itch With Glee. I Got Addicted To It. It Became This Source Of Power In A Totally Powerless Life.

Honestly, A Lot Of The Human Etiquette I Learned In Life I Learned From, Like, Thank-you Notes And Dating Jimmy Kimmel.

To Expect Life To Treat You Good Is Foolish As Hoping A Bull Won't Hit You Because You Are A Vegetarian.

My Husband Says, 'roseanne, Don't You Think We Ought To Talk About Our Sexual Problems?' Like I'm Gonna Turn Off Wheel Of Fortune For That.

Suddenly, People Had Three Phone Numbers But Never Answered Their Phones.

I'm Either Mentally Ill Or Jewish. I Can't Sometimes Tell The Difference.

The American People Are Sick And Tired Of This ‘lesser Evil’ Garbage They Get Fed Every Election Year. Both The Democrats And The Republicans Do The Same Evils Once They’re In Office...

I'm Funnier Now Because I'm Braver And Less Full Of Hate, So Everything Is Even More Ridiculous Than It Was Before.

My Husband Says, 'god, Roseanne, I Can't Remember The Last Time We Had Sex.' Well, I Can, And That Is Why We Ain't Doing It.

I Was Not Raised A Zionist, But A Socialist, As Were Most Jews Before The Holocaust.

I Didn't Know That Being In A Relationship Meant You Had To Be Nice. I Thought It Meant You Had To Hack Away At The Other Person Until They Were Beaten Down And Then Were Too Afraid To Leave.

I Want To Say That Nobody Accuses Their Parents Of Abusing Them Without Justification To Do That. I Didn't Just Make It Up. A Lot Of Things Were True And Abusive And Horrible Things That Happened To Me That My Father Did.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach. And, As Woody Allen Says, Those Who Can't Teach, Teach Gym. And, As I Say, Those Who Can't Teach Gym Become Experts. That's Who We Look To For Answers These Days-the People Telling You How To Make Your Marriage Work. Men Telling Women How To Raise Their Self-esteem. The Only Thing That Cures Everything Is Talking To People Who Have The Same Problem You Do. The Rest Is Just A Moneymaking Bullshit Scheme That Some Asshole Is Getting Rich On.

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Show Business.

Self-esteem Is The Goddamn Root Of All Evil.

A Good Man Doesn't Just Happen. They Have To Be Created By Us Women. A Guy Is A Lump Like This Doughnut.

I Try To Tell People To Keep Having Hope. It's Always What You Don't Know And Don't Expect That's Gonna Be So Great.

Truth Is Available To The Ears That Can Hear It.

Sometimes For Me Not Throwing A Tantrum Is What Running A Marathon Or Swimming The English Channel Must Be Like For Others Of A Less-challenging Emotional Nature.

They've Said 'roseanne's Nuts' For Years, And Now I'm Going To Make That A Reality - I'm All About Nuts Now, Macadamia Nuts!

I’m Not A Politician. I Think That Uniquely Qualifies Me To Become President Of The U.s.

Oh, Hi. I Been Married Thirteen Years, And Lemme Tell You, It's A Thrill To Be Out Of The House. I Never Get Out Of The House. I Stay Home All The Time. I Never Do Anything Fun 'cause I'm A Housewife. I Hate The Word "housewife." I Prefer To Be Called "domestic Goddess.

Illiteracy Is A Huge Problem In America. One In Three Adults In Our Country Is Illiterate.

I've Never Done Anything For Money, And That Is Why I Got Money. When You Do Stuff For Money, You Never Get Money.

'winning' In Hollywood Means Not Just Power, Money, And Complimentary Smoked-salmon Pizza, But Also That Everyone Around You Fails Just As You Are Peaking.

I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

I Like It When Very Little Children Think For Themselves, Because They Do Not Have Access To Car Keys Or Credit Cards Or Crack Pipes, But They Have Some Really Funny Lines.

I Used To Want To Be A Movie Star So I Wouldn't Have To Live In Trailers Anymore. And Now That I Make Movies, I Spend A Lot Of My Life Living In Trailers.

Women Should Try To Increase Their Size Rather Than Decrease It, Because I Believe The Bigger We Are, The More Space We'll Take Up, And The More We'll Have To Be Reckoned With.

I Believe In Equal Rights For All Citizens. One Law For All.

Women Of This Planet Need Some Essential Resources: Wells, Seeds And Roads. That Is Primarily All We Have Ever Needed. Added To That, Women Need Righteous And Strong Men Who Will Help Us To Use Our Most Cherished Gifts: The Ability To Multitask And Problem Solve.

Most Of The Books Call Her A He, But I Am Able To Ascertain What Is Meant, Despite That Semantic Error.

As The Books Got More And More Zionist And Less And Less Socialist, My Entire Generation, At Least A Large Percentage Of It, Simply Left Judaism. We Became Buddhist And Hindu And Atheist Or Agnostic, All Of Which (except Christian) Were More In Keeping With Peaceful Self-transformative Ideas That Did Not Bow Down To Militarism.

When I Used To Watch Comedians With My Dad, He Laid It All Out For Me. He Wanted To Be A Comedian Himself, And He Was So Funny. We'd Watch Stand-up On Tv, And He'd Tell Me The Subtext Of What They Were Saying.

Once You Get Away From Wanting To Get Paid, You Can Actually Say Some True Things.

My Husband Is Almost As Heavy As I Am. We Were Married In Adjoining Churches.

Abortion Is A Woman's Right.

I'm Enjoying My Life, Post-menopause, So Much. It's Just So Great To Grow Into Yourself, And Not Be Bothered With All That Tyranny Of Biology.

You Know, I'm Blessed. 'blessed' Is A Better Way Of Saying 'rich.'

I Used To Play Barbies With My Mormon Neighbor Friend; It Was Always, "oh, We're Going To Go On A Date. Ken's Taking Us Out, And We're Going With Ken On A Date." And I Was Like, "we're Parachuting Behind Enemy Lines To Save The Jews." That's How I Played Barbies. I Was Told When I Was A Girl That Every Jewish Woman Has To Have Five Children To Replace Three Fifths Of Our People That Were Killed. That's How I Was Raised.

I Have Five Kids From Three Marriages. I Come From A Trailer Park. My Sister And Brother Are Both Gay. I Have Multiple Personalities.

I Hold To Nothing But Envisioning International Peace And Utopia. We All Have Many More Things In Common Than Not.

Hillary Clinton And Barack Hussein Obama Cannot Win, And They Are Put In Place To Assure A Victory By Mitt Romney... This Is The Plan Of All The Insurance Companies That Are Owned By Mormon Interests. It Is Unfolding As The Mormon Church Planned Over The Last Fifty Years.

I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians. I'd Rather Go Straight To Hell, And Not Collect $200.

My Hope Is That Gays Will Be Running The World, Because Then There Would Be No War. Just A Greater Emphasis On Military Apparel.

You Can Always Get Better. Nobody Can Stop You From Getting Better, And Nobody Can Stop You From Trying To Make Something Right.

I'm Not Upset About My Divorce. I'm Only Upset That I'm Not A Widow.

If You Spend All Your Time Worrying About Dying, Living Isn't Going To Be Much Fun.

Facts And Data, Rather Than Opinion, Are The Two Cornerstones Of Problem Solving, And Yet They Are Consistently Withheld From The People By American Media. We Must Have Facts And Data In Order To Recognize Where There Is A Problem!

I Like Facts And Data Because They Help Me Think Clearly, Beyond The Cultural Messages That I Ingest Unwittingly, And Sometimes Find Myself Regurgitating Almost Unconsciously.

My Children Love Me. I'm Like The Mother They Never Had.

Meditation State Is A Place Of Deep Relaxation Where You Can Pinpoint The Things You Do And To Set A Paradigm Switch From Effect To Cause. So How To Be A Cause In Your Own Life.

The End Of My Addiction To Fame Happened At The Exact Moment Roseanne Dropped Out Of The Top Ten, In The Seventh Of Our Nine Seasons. It Was Mysteriously Instantaneous!

Husbands Are Never Happy. My Husband Asked Me For More Space, So I Locked Him Out Of The House.

I Avoided Reality For Most Of My Life. But Once You Deal With It, It's Kind Of Cool.

I Never Consciously Set Out To Talk About Taboos Or Anything Like That.

Being Hated And Hunted And Blamed For Your Own Suffering Makes People Kind Of Testy, Nervous, And On Edge, And Often Fundamentalist And Extreme. Bombs Get Thrown Only When People Cannot Honestly Talk Together.

Women Complain About Pms, But I Think Of It As The Only Time Of The Month When I Can Be Myself.

Adults In A Free Country Should Be Able To Smoke A Joint If They Want To.

Any Hamas Or Zionist Type Who Tries To Interfere With The Labor Unions And Grab The Money Will Be Marched To The Guillotines And Subsequently Beheaded. And Isn't That Easier And More Productive Than Some Endless, Bloody Conflict? So Sayeth The Gospel Of Common Sense. Happy Mother's Day.

I Actually Get More Conservative When I'm In Vegas.

My Grandmother ... Came Here, Not Only Like So Many Others Because Of The Streets 'being Paved With Gold' And All, But Because She Wanted To Leave The Place Where The Streets Were Paved With People Who Had Not Gone To America.

I Am A Woman, Therefore I Am A Problem Solver.

Problem Solvers

I'm A Heterosexual. I Don't Know Why I'm Like This. I Was Just Born This Way.

A Lot Of Times Nerds Are Really Artists Listening To The Beat Of Another Drummer.

Both The Democratic And Republican Parties Are Bought And Paid For By Corporate America And Cater To The Needs Of The Highest Bidder As Opposed To The People They Claim To Represent. I Cannot Be Bought.

I Think I'm Hysterical. I Watch Myself On Tape And Just Roar - Isn't That Weird?

I Thank God For Creating Gay Men. Because If It Wasn't For Them, Us Fat Women Would Have No One To Dance With.

Hollywood Is The Only Place On Earth That Has More Vampires, More Undead, More Resurrections Than A Month Of Easter Sundays.

I Had Left Home (like All Jewish Girls) In Order To Eat Pork And Take Birth Control Pills. When I First Shared An Intimate Evening With My Husband, I Was Swept Away By The Passion (so Dormant Inside Myself) Of A Long And Tortured Existence. The Physical Cravings I Had Tried So Hard To Deny, Finally And Ultimately Sated ... But Enough About The Pork.

I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

Finding A Calm Place Inside Myself Through Meditation Kind Of Helped Me To Get Over A Lot Of Mental Illness ... It's Just Been A Really Great Thing In My Life.

Legalize Hemp And Allow Women To Grow It And Make Food, Clothing And Housing For Pennies From It And Legalize Marijuana Too. Let Women Integrate Their Divided Consciousness With A Natural Herb Instead Of Doctors' Pills That Kill The Liver.

The Day I Worry About Cleaning My House Is The Day Sears Comes Out With A Riding Vacuum Cleaner.

Funny Relationship

I Meditate So I Know How To Find A Peaceful Place Within To Be Calm And Peaceful.

I Have Horrible Stage Fright - You Know How You Go Through The Bi-polar Stage Fright Thing? Then You Go On Drugs To Get Over The Stage Fright And Perform, But Then You're Not Funny At All.

I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

I Always Felt That It Was Easier To Take A Funny Person And Teach Them To Write Television Than To Take Somebody Who Was A Television Writer And Make Them Funny.

Just Ten Of The Jewish Billionaires On This Earth Have More Than Enough To Transform The Occupied Territories Into Heaven. We Can Put The 'pal' Back In Palestinian.

I Remember Performing On A Punk Stage With No Mic In The Middle Of A Mosh Pit. My Act Was Called "how To Be A Domestic Goddess."

Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Personal Opinions

Eating Cookies That You Bake With Your Grandmother Is One Of The Greatest Social Steps One Must Experience In Order To Grow Up Into A Decent World Citizen, In My Opinion.

Half The World's Starving; The Other Half Is Trying To Lose Weight.

You Know What, When I Was Thin, I Thought There Was A Fat Girl Trying To Get Out Of Me.

I Know How To Do Anything, I'm A Mom.

There Isn't A Problem On This Earth That A Doughnut Cannot Make Better.

I Had - After I Sang The 'star Spangled Banner' So Badly, After My Tragic Singing Accident, After That, You Know, All My Stuff Kind Of, Like, Really Got Even More Full Blown And, You Know, I Got Stage Fright And, You Know, I Couldn't Do Stand-up Anymore And Let Alone Sing And All The Other Things.

You May Marry The Man Of Your Dreams, Ladies, But Fourteen Years Later You're Married To A Couch That Burps.

As Long As Your Abuser Has You Scared, You Will Stay In The Cycle Of Abuse. Thinking Of Solutions Helps You To Escape.

A Lot Of People Who Are Actors And Artists Who Work In Hollywood Come From A Background Of Abuse, And You Can Make Abused People Very Fearful And They'll Do What They're Told. Hollywood Definitely Has A Point Of View That It Sells.

The Thing Women Have Yet To Learn Is Nobody Gives You Power. You Just Take It.

It's Okay To Be Fat. So You're Fat. Just Be Fat And Shut Up About It.

This Bugs Me The Worst. That's When The Husband Thinks That The Wife Knows Where Everything Is, Huh? Like They Think The Uterus Is A Tracking Device. He Comes In: "hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do We Have Any Cheetos Left?" Like He Can't Go Over And Lift Up The Sofa Cushion Himself.

I Loved Comedy All My Life. I Think It's A Real Powerful Art Form.

There's A Lot More To Being A Woman Than Being A Mother, But There's A Hell Of A Lot More To Being A Mother Than Most People Suspect.

Part Of My Platform Is, Of Course, The Guilty Must Be Punished And That We No Longer Let Our Children See Their Guilty Leaders Getting Away With Murder. Because It Teaches Children, You Know, That They Don’t Have To Have Any Morals As Long As They Have Guns And Are Bullies And I Don’t Think That's A Good Message. . . . I Do Say That I Am In Favor Of The Return Of The Guillotine And That Is For The Worst Of The Worst Of The Guilty.

I Hate Every Human Being On Earth. I Feel That Everyone Is Beneath Me, And I Feel They Should All Worship Me. That's What I Told My Kids.

In Order To Be Able To Write A Good Joke, You Have To Find The Truth.

I Have A Fierce Eating Disorder That Has Survived Even Bariatric Surgery. I Got Even Fatter After That! Hey, Maybe Fat People Are Just Trying To Get Closer To Others, Did Anybody Ever That Of That?!

Eating Disorder

I'm A Comic, And I'm Supposed To Outrage And Make People Laugh, Part Of Makin' People Laugh Is To Shake Up Their Thinkin'. That's What I Came Here To Do.

Impeach The President And The Vice President, They Are Traitors To America, And So Are All Of Their Supporters. Impeach! Anyone In Congress Who Refuses To Save Our Union From These Traitors By Doing Nothing Needs To Be Recalled.

I Call Myself A 'domestic Goddess.

You Know When You First Get Rich, And You, Like, Just Buy Everything That You See? I Did That For Several Years. And I Have Sheds Full Of Things, Maybe Sometimes Nine Copies Of The Same Thing.

I'm Not Going To Vacuum 'til Sears Makes One You Can Ride On.

You Must Never Be Afraid In New York City, Because Then You Will Call Bad Stuff To You And You Will Not Like It There.

My Best Friend Linda Is Leaving Her Husband Just Because He Is Unfaithful To Her. That Is No Reason To Leave The Person. I Feel Like After That, You Should Stay With Them And Make Sure That The Rest Of Their Life Is Sheer Hell.

Whatever Helps You Sleep Is My Opinion On The Subject, And That's What I Like About The Western World's Most Popular Religion, It Has Helped Put So Many People To Sleep, Although Most Of Them Permanently And Without Their Approval.

I Got, Like, Diane Keaton's Manager, And She Was Very Connected; She Had Power. And She Was Like, "your Star Is In Tears On This Comedy. Do You Even Notice That At All?"

As A Housewife, I Feel That If The Kids Are Still Alive When My Husband Gets Home From Work, Then Hey, I've Done My Job.

I Am An Observant Jew! Now My Secret Is Out.

I Know That I Pay 48 Percent Of My Income To Taxes. You Know, I Wouldn't Mind So Much If It Wasn't Going Just To Export War. If It Was Actually Going To Help The People Of The United States, I Would Gladly Pay More.

Everything Here Must Be Done Twice As No One Can Do It Right The First Time.

Take This Marriage Thing Seriously - It Has To Last All The Way To The Divorce.

I Can't Have Cats Around Me Because They Try To Steal My Energy.

As Prime Minister Of Israel, I Will Introduce A Bill Into The Knesset That Will Simply Pay The Arabs Not To Shoot At The Jews.

Comedy Is The Only Hope For Humanity.

It's Not Really The Job Of A Public Servant To Inspire, But To Get The Job That The People Demand Done. The Democrats Think That If They Have Hope And Are Inspired, Things Will Get Better, But They Actually Won't.

Laugh Every Day As Much As You Can.

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John Philpot Curran

Lakhdar Brahimi

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