Everyone In America (according To My Generalizations) Is A Potential Millionaire Waiting For His Or Her Big Break. I Was Astonished Lately To Realize That Americans Are Definitely Believing In And Planning For The Future, Despite The Fact That They Elected Ronald Reagan Twice.

-Roseanne Barr

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Everyone In America (according

Roseanne Barr

Topic

Believe

America

Waiting

More From Roseanne Barr

I Had - After I Sang The 'star Spangled Banner' So Badly, After My Tragic Singing Accident, After That, You Know, All My Stuff Kind Of, Like, Really Got Even More Full Blown And, You Know, I Got Stage Fright And, You Know, I Couldn't Do Stand-up Anymore And Let Alone Sing And All The Other Things.

Stars

Singing

Stuff

Since I Had My Gastric Bypass Surgery In 1998, I Eat Like A Bird. Unfortunately, That Bird Is A California Condor.

California

Bird

Bypass

I Thank God For Creating Gay Men. Because If It Wasn't For Them, Us Fat Women Would Have No One To Dance With.

Gay

Men

Creating

Husbands Are Never Happy. My Husband Asked Me For More Space, So I Locked Him Out Of The House.

Husband

Space

House

My Grandmother ... Came Here, Not Only Like So Many Others Because Of The Streets 'being Paved With Gold' And All, But Because She Wanted To Leave The Place Where The Streets Were Paved With People Who Had Not Gone To America.

Grandmother

America

People

I'm A Heterosexual. I Don't Know Why I'm Like This. I Was Just Born This Way.

Way

Sexuality

Born

I Avoided Reality For Most Of My Life. But Once You Deal With It, It's Kind Of Cool.

Reality

Kind

Deals

My Kids Were Completely Out Of Control, While I Was Working Fifteen Hours A Day Plus Weekends. I Screamed A Lot, Something I'm Not Particularly Proud Of, But It Was That Or Firearms.

Kids

Weekend

Fifteen

I Think I'm Hysterical. I Watch Myself On Tape And Just Roar - Isn't That Weird?

Thinking

Watches

Tape

We Never Get Sick Of Each Other. That's How Sick We Are.

Sick

Love And Marriage

When I Used To Watch Comedians With My Dad, He Laid It All Out For Me. He Wanted To Be A Comedian Himself, And He Was So Funny. We'd Watch Stand-up On Tv, And He'd Tell Me The Subtext Of What They Were Saying.

Dad

Comedian

Watches

Being Hated And Hunted And Blamed For Your Own Suffering Makes People Kind Of Testy, Nervous, And On Edge, And Often Fundamentalist And Extreme. Bombs Get Thrown Only When People Cannot Honestly Talk Together.

People

Suffering

Together

I Didn't Know That Being In A Relationship Meant You Had To Be Nice. I Thought It Meant You Had To Hack Away At The Other Person Until They Were Beaten Down And Then Were Too Afraid To Leave.

Nice

Down And

Persons

I Know How To Do Anything, I'm A Mom.

Funny

Family

Mom

I’m Not A Politician. I Think That Uniquely Qualifies Me To Become President Of The U.s.

Thinking

President

Politician

A Guy Is A Lump Like A Doughnut. So, First You Gotta Get Rid Of All The Stuff His Mom Did To Him. And Then You Gotta Get Rid Of All That Macho Crap That They Pick Up From Beer Commercials. And Then There's My Personal Favorite, The Male Ego.

Mom

Mother

Beer

My Real Life Is Funnier Than Anything On Tv.

Real

Real Life

Tvs

I'm So Much More Famous Than I Am Financially Successful.

Successful

Adults In A Free Country Should Be Able To Smoke A Joint If They Want To.

Country

Adults

Want

I'm On The Mirror Diet. You Eat All Your Food In Front Of A Mirror In The Nude. It Works Pretty Good, Though Some Of The Fancier Restaurants Don't Go For It.

Mirrors

Restaurants

Diets

I Call Myself A 'domestic Goddess.

Goddess

Housewife

My Children Love Me. I'm Like The Mother They Never Had.

Mother

Children

My Children

I Loved Work And I Loved Pouring Myself Into The Work, You Know. It Was The Real Life That I Had Trouble With.

Work

Real

Pouring

They've Said 'roseanne's Nuts' For Years, And Now I'm Going To Make That A Reality - I'm All About Nuts Now, Macadamia Nuts!

Reality

Years

Nuts

Hillary Clinton And Barack Hussein Obama Cannot Win, And They Are Put In Place To Assure A Victory By Mitt Romney... This Is The Plan Of All The Insurance Companies That Are Owned By Mormon Interests. It Is Unfolding As The Mormon Church Planned Over The Last Fifty Years.

Stupid

Winning

Years

I Simply Care Nothing For Any Of Your Religions, As All Three Are Fundamentally Flawed, Unlike The Church Of Common Sense, Right From The Start! They Call God He Instead Of She And All Three Would Like To Burn Me At The Stake For Saying That!

Common Sense

Church

Three

Impeach The President And The Vice President, They Are Traitors To America, And So Are All Of Their Supporters. Impeach! Anyone In Congress Who Refuses To Save Our Union From These Traitors By Doing Nothing Needs To Be Recalled.

America

President

Vices

The Quickest Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Chest.

Marriage

Sex

Food

Everything Here Must Be Done Twice As No One Can Do It Right The First Time.

Done

Firsts

Los Angeles

Any Hamas Or Zionist Type Who Tries To Interfere With The Labor Unions And Grab The Money Will Be Marched To The Guillotines And Subsequently Beheaded. And Isn't That Easier And More Productive Than Some Endless, Bloody Conflict? So Sayeth The Gospel Of Common Sense. Happy Mother's Day.

Mother

Common Sense

Trying

Patriarchy Is A Bully Notion, Which If You Will Notice Never Attacks A Nation That Can Defend Itself. Zionism Is Patriarchal And Sets Judaism On Its Head.

Bully

Judaism

Patriarchal Society

I Never Consciously Set Out To Talk About Taboos Or Anything Like That.

Taboo

The Most Out-there Thing I’m Saying Is, ‘don’t Have Babies. Don’t Get Married And Have Kids. Have A Larger Life Than That.

Baby

Kids

Married

You Must Never Be Afraid In New York City, Because Then You Will Call Bad Stuff To You And You Will Not Like It There.

New York

Cities

Stuff

I Was Completely Nuts For Most Of My Life.

Nuts

Pot Enables You To Think Clearly Without Any Fear Or Any Limits. It's A Mind-expander, Which Is Part Of Why It's Illegal And Why Drugs Like Vicodin Are Legal.

Thinking

Drug

Mind

The One Who Cares The Most Wins. ... That's How I Knew I'd End Up With Everyone Else Waving The White Flags And Not Me. That's How I Knew I'd Be The Last Person Standing When It Was All Over. ... I Cared The Most.

Success

Winning

White

The Real Truth Is, I Just Want To Keep The Voice Of Dissent Alive In All Of Our Elections. I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians.

Real

Voice

Alive

When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

Mom

Prayer

Giving

I Used To Want To Be A Movie Star So I Wouldn't Have To Live In Trailers Anymore. And Now That I Make Movies, I Spend A Lot Of My Life Living In Trailers.

Stars

Want

Used

Why Have I Been Chosen To Deliver The Message Of Female Intelligence And Its Divinity To A Deaf World Of Males? I Have Asked My God That Question And She Answered, 'hey, Why Not You Roseanne?' Indeed, Why Not Each Of Us?

Males

Female

Why Not

Birth Control That Really Works - Every Night Before We Go To Bed We Spend An Hour With Our Kids.

Kids

Night

Bed

Don't Call People Names You Dirty Name Caller You.

Dirty

Names

People

Truth Is Available To The Ears That Can Hear It.

Ears

Truth Is

Available

The Only Options Open For Girls Then Were Of Course Mother, Secretary Or Teacher. At Least That's What We All Thought And Were Preparing Ourselves For. Now, I Must Say How Lucky We Are, As Women, To Live In An Age Where 'dental Hygienist' Has Been Added To The List.

Girl

Mother

Teacher

I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

Thinking

Yesterday

Giving

There's Nothing Like A Hardship Song To Set My Toes A-tappin.

Song

Hardship

Toes

Everything On This Earth Right Now Is About Labor And Slavery. War Is The Only American Export Left That Anyone Wants To Buy.

War

Slavery

Earth

It's Not Really The Job Of A Public Servant To Inspire, But To Get The Job That The People Demand Done. The Democrats Think That If They Have Hope And Are Inspired, Things Will Get Better, But They Actually Won't.

Jobs

Thinking

People

Women Are Cursed, And Men Are The Proof.

Valentines Day

Funny Relationship

Men

I Used To Think That Communing With Nature Was A Healing, Positive Thing. Now, I Think I'd Like To Commune With Other Things - Like Room Service And Temperature Control.

Nature

Healing

Loss

Facts And Data, Rather Than Opinion, Are The Two Cornerstones Of Problem Solving, And Yet They Are Consistently Withheld From The People By American Media. We Must Have Facts And Data In Order To Recognize Where There Is A Problem!

Media

Order

Data

The Day I Worry About Cleaning My House Is The Day Sears Comes Out With A Riding Vacuum Cleaner.

Funny Relationship

Worry

House

Eat As Much As You'd Like. My Philosophy Has Always Been That All Women Desire To Be As Fat As Myself But Just Have A Great Fear Of Doing So. Because They Think They Won't Get Any Men, But You Will. You'll Get More Men, And Better Men.

Philosophy

Food

Thinking

My Dad Taught Me Swears When I Was A Toddler, And I Saw, At A Really Early Age, That If I Shocked People, I Would Get Approval, And It Made My Arms Itch With Glee. I Got Addicted To It. It Became This Source Of Power In A Totally Powerless Life.

Dad

People

Age

Those Who Can't Do, Teach. And, As Woody Allen Says, Those Who Can't Teach, Teach Gym. And, As I Say, Those Who Can't Teach Gym Become Experts. That's Who We Look To For Answers These Days-the People Telling You How To Make Your Marriage Work. Men Telling Women How To Raise Their Self-esteem. The Only Thing That Cures Everything Is Talking To People Who Have The Same Problem You Do. The Rest Is Just A Moneymaking Bullshit Scheme That Some Asshole Is Getting Rich On.

Self Esteem

Men

Talking

I Quit Smoking. I Feel Better. I Smell Better. And It's Safer To Drink Out Of Old Beer Cans Laying Around The House.

Beer

Feel Better

Smell

I Used To Play Barbies With My Mormon Neighbor Friend; It Was Always, "oh, We're Going To Go On A Date. Ken's Taking Us Out, And We're Going With Ken On A Date." And I Was Like, "we're Parachuting Behind Enemy Lines To Save The Jews." That's How I Played Barbies. I Was Told When I Was A Girl That Every Jewish Woman Has To Have Five Children To Replace Three Fifths Of Our People That Were Killed. That's How I Was Raised.

Girl

Children

Play

There Isn't Any New Man. The New Man Is The Old Man, Only He Whines More.

Men

Old Man

My Family Were Hitters. If You Made Them Laugh, They Didn't Hit You. My Dad Wouldn't Hit Me If I Got Him With Humor Right Between The Eyes.

Dad

Eye

Laughing

If You Spend All Your Time Worrying About Dying, Living Isn't Going To Be Much Fun.

Fun

Worry

Dying

I'm Not Going To Vacuum 'til Sears Makes One You Can Ride On.

Mom

Mother

Clever

I Survived My Childhood By Birthing Many Separate Identities To Stand In For One Another In Times Of Great Stress And Fear.

Stress

Childhood

Resilience

I Hold To Nothing But Envisioning International Peace And Utopia. We All Have Many More Things In Common Than Not.

Common

Utopia

Envisioning

There's A Lot More To Being A Woman Than Being A Mother, But There's A Hell Of A Lot More To Being A Mother Than Most People Suspect.

Inspiring

Mother

People

Hollywood Is The Only Place On Earth That Has More Vampires, More Undead, More Resurrections Than A Month Of Easter Sundays.

Easter

Sunday

Vampire

I Like Facts And Data Because They Help Me Think Clearly, Beyond The Cultural Messages That I Ingest Unwittingly, And Sometimes Find Myself Regurgitating Almost Unconsciously.

Thinking

Data

Messages

Without Democracy In Our Homes, We Will Never Have It In The World.

Home

Democracy

World

I Try To Tell People To Keep Having Hope. It's Always What You Don't Know And Don't Expect That's Gonna Be So Great.

Hope

People

Trying

I Had Left Home (like All Jewish Girls) In Order To Eat Pork And Take Birth Control Pills. When I First Shared An Intimate Evening With My Husband, I Was Swept Away By The Passion (so Dormant Inside Myself) Of A Long And Tortured Existence. The Physical Cravings I Had Tried So Hard To Deny, Finally And Ultimately Sated ... But Enough About The Pork.

Girl

Husband

Passion

I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians. I'd Rather Go Straight To Hell, And Not Collect $200.

Want

Hell

Politician

I Hate Every Human Being On Earth. I Feel That Everyone Is Beneath Me, And I Feel They Should All Worship Me. That's What I Told My Kids.

Hate

Kids

Earth

Comedy Is The Only Hope For Humanity.

Easter

Humanity

Comedy

We Had No Religion At All, But We Were Jews In New Hampshire, And My Sister - Who Is Now A Rabbi - Said It Best: We Were, Like, The Only Jews In Bedford, New Hampshire, As Well As The Only Democrats, So We Just Kind Of Associated Those Two Things Together. My Dad Raised Us To Believe That Paying Taxes Is An Honor.

Dad

Believe

Two

It's A Big Culture Of Mind Control Too, Mk-ultra Mind Control Rules In Hollywood. If You Don't Know That, Google It And Look Into It. It's Really Hard For Artists To Find Their Voice In The Media. It's Levels Of Brainwashing And Mind Control.

Artist

Media

Voice

Men Read Maps Better Than Women Because Only Men Can Understand The Concept Of An Inch Equaling A Hundred Miles.

Birthday

Travel

Humor

I Meditate So I Know How To Find A Peaceful Place Within To Be Calm And Peaceful.

Peaceful

Calm

Know How

One Of The First Things I Bought When I Made 'roseanne Show' Money Was A Farm In Iowa.

Iowa

Firsts

Made

Women Complain About Pms, But I Think Of It As The Only Time Of The Month When I Can Be Myself.

Time

Women

Humor

I'm Either Mentally Ill Or Jewish. I Can't Sometimes Tell The Difference.

Differences

Sometimes

Ill

Oh, Hi. I Been Married Thirteen Years, And Lemme Tell You, It's A Thrill To Be Out Of The House. I Never Get Out Of The House. I Stay Home All The Time. I Never Do Anything Fun 'cause I'm A Housewife. I Hate The Word "housewife." I Prefer To Be Called "domestic Goddess.

Marriage

Fun

Hate

As Long As Your Abuser Has You Scared, You Will Stay In The Cycle Of Abuse. Thinking Of Solutions Helps You To Escape.

Thinking

Long

Abuse

I Actually Get More Conservative When I'm In Vegas.

Vegas

Conservative

I Try To Do Women's-point-of-view Comedy. The Joke Is, 'this Is What I Think; There's The Truth.' I Try To Think Of Stuff That's Real Broad, But The More Personal It Is, The More Universal It Is. All My Friends Go Through The Same Stuff.

Real

Thinking

Views

Just Ten Of The Jewish Billionaires On This Earth Have More Than Enough To Transform The Occupied Territories Into Heaven. We Can Put The 'pal' Back In Palestinian.

Heaven

Pals

Earth

Judaism Is One Of The Last Of The World's Matrilineal Philosophies. Matriarchies Are Always The Cultures That Patriarchy Attacks And Decimates, Because They Don't Spend All Their Money On The Military Like Patriarchy Does. They Are Easy Prey.

Philosophy

Military

Lasts

I'm Funnier Now Because I'm Braver And Less Full Of Hate, So Everything Is Even More Ridiculous Than It Was Before.

Hate

Ridiculous

The Basic Thing Is, People Want To Get Paid, So They'll Say The Things That Get Them Paid, In Entertainment Or Politics.

People

Want

Entertainment

We're Not Meant To Be Parents When We're 50.

Parent

Meant To Be

When I Was Little, That Was One Thing That I Was Told In A Vision: I Was Going To Have My Own Show When I Grew Up. And It's Going To Be Funny.

Vision

Littles

Grew Up

A Lot Of People Who Are Actors And Artists Who Work In Hollywood Come From A Background Of Abuse, And You Can Make Abused People Very Fearful And They'll Do What They're Told. Hollywood Definitely Has A Point Of View That It Sells.

Artist

Views

People

As The Books Got More And More Zionist And Less And Less Socialist, My Entire Generation, At Least A Large Percentage Of It, Simply Left Judaism. We Became Buddhist And Hindu And Atheist Or Agnostic, All Of Which (except Christian) Were More In Keeping With Peaceful Self-transformative Ideas That Did Not Bow Down To Militarism.

Christian

Buddhist

Atheist

I Believe In Equal Rights For All Citizens. One Law For All.

Believe

Rights

Law

I'm Never Going To Get Married Again. Three Strikes, You're Out. I Think If I Would Try To Get Married Again In California, I Have To Go To Prison, Don't I? I Think You Only Get Three.

Thinking

California

Trying

A Good Man Doesn't Just Happen. They Have To Be Created By Us Women. A Guy Is A Lump Like This Doughnut.

Men

Guy

Good Man

Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Men

Personal Opinions

Pay

To Expect Life To Treat You Good Is Foolish As Hoping A Bull Won't Hit You Because You Are A Vegetarian.

Bulls

Vegetarian

Foolish

Ever Since I Was A Girl, I Have Written About One To Five Pages Every Day - On Napkins, On Scrap Paper, In Notebooks And Tablets, On The Walls In My Room As A Teenager, And In Orange Paint On The Cheap White Plastic Blinds In My Room.

Notebook

Girl

Wall

I Will Barnstorm American Living Rooms. Mainstream Media Will Be Unable To Ignore Me, But More Importantly They Will Be Unable To Overlook The Needs Of Average Americans In The Run-up To The 2012 Election.

Running

Media

Average

Your Body Is Your Instrument, You Play It Expertly.

Play

Body

Instruments

Putting Measures Like Gay Marriage On Ballots For Elections Only Hurts The Gay Rights Cause And Elects More Conservative Politicians.

Hurt

Gay

Rights

I'm Just Into Spirituality. I Believe That In A Previous Life I Used To Be Shirley Maclaine.

Believe

Spirituality

Used

I Consider Myself To Be A Pretty Good Judge Of People... That's Why I Don't Like Any Of Them.

People

Judging

Good Judges

My Husband And I Didn't Sign A Pre-nuptial Agreement. We Signed A Mutual Suicide Pact.

Marriage

Suicide

Husband

Excuse The Mess But We Live Here.

Cleaning

Excuse

Mess

In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

Children

Grandmother

Animal

I Have A Fierce Eating Disorder That Has Survived Even Bariatric Surgery. I Got Even Fatter After That! Hey, Maybe Fat People Are Just Trying To Get Closer To Others, Did Anybody Ever That Of That?!

People

Eating Disorder

Trying

Half The World's Starving; The Other Half Is Trying To Lose Weight.

Trying

Half

World

My Husband Says, 'roseanne, Don't You Think We Ought To Talk About Our Sexual Problems?' Like I'm Gonna Turn Off Wheel Of Fortune For That.

Husband

Thinking

Wheels

I Want To Eat, Cook, Meet Famous People And Make Fun Of Them.

Fun

People

Want

My Parents ... Had Decided Early On That All Of The Problems In My Family Had Somehow To Do With Me. All Roads Led To Roseyville, A Messy, Chaotic Town Where, As Parents, They Were Required To Visit, But Could Never Get Out Of Quick Enough Or Find A Decent Parking Place.

Parent

Towns

Blame

Abortion Is A Woman's Right.

Abortion

A Lot Of People In Television Who've Had Successful Shows Claim The 'roseanne' Show As Their Starting Place, And I'm Really Proud Of That.

Laugh Every Day As Much As You Can.

Laughing

Whatever Helps You Sleep Is My Opinion On The Subject, And That's What I Like About The Western World's Most Popular Religion, It Has Helped Put So Many People To Sleep, Although Most Of Them Permanently And Without Their Approval.

Sleep

People

World

Honestly, A Lot Of The Human Etiquette I Learned In Life I Learned From, Like, Thank-you Notes And Dating Jimmy Kimmel.

Dating

Notes

Etiquette

Once You Get Away From Wanting To Get Paid, You Can Actually Say Some True Things.

Get Away

True Things

Paid

The End Of My Addiction To Fame Happened At The Exact Moment Roseanne Dropped Out Of The Top Ten, In The Seventh Of Our Nine Seasons. It Was Mysteriously Instantaneous!

Addiction

Nine

Moments

I Think I Should Be Here Alone To Rethink The World, I Do. I Want These Lesser Humans Gone.

Thinking

Gone

World

I Never Do Anything Fun, Because I'm A Housewife. I Hate That Word 'housewife.' I Prefer To Be Called 'domestic Goddess.'

Fun

Hate

Goddess

It's Okay To Be Fat. So You're Fat. Just Be Fat And Shut Up About It.

Being Happy

Food

Weight Loss

Tv Family Sitcoms Have Always Been About Fathers Who Know Best And Mothers Who Are So Enchanted With Everything They Do. I Wanted To Be The First Mom To Be A Mom On Tv. I Wanted To Sent Out A Message About How Us Women Really Feel.

Mom

Mother

Father

I Loved Comedy All My Life. I Think It's A Real Powerful Art Form.

Art

Powerful

Real

Growing Up In A Jewish Matriarchal World Inside The Patriarchal Paradise Of Salt Lake City, Utah, Gave Me Increased Perspective On Gender Issues, As It Also Did My Gay Brother And My Lesbian Sister. Our Younger Sister Is The Perfect Jewish-american Wife And Mother, And Is Fiercely Proud Of That Fact.

Mother

Brother

Growing Up

Legalize Hemp And Allow Women To Grow It And Make Food, Clothing And Housing For Pennies From It And Legalize Marijuana Too. Let Women Integrate Their Divided Consciousness With A Natural Herb Instead Of Doctors' Pills That Kill The Liver.

Women

Marijuana

Medicine

To Say That I Have An Undisciplined Mind Would Not Be Incorrect Overall, But It's A Little Off The Mark Because I Have Great Discipline When I Write - But Only For About Ten Minutes.

Writing

Discipline

Mind

There Is No Scarier Chasm Of Darkness Than The Human Mind.

Darkness

Mind

Sanity

The Fact That My Grown Kids Like To Hang Out With Me, I Mean, It Just - I Don't Think It Really Can Get Any Better Than That, I Don't Think.

Mean

Kids

Thinking

Eating Cookies That You Bake With Your Grandmother Is One Of The Greatest Social Steps One Must Experience In Order To Grow Up Into A Decent World Citizen, In My Opinion.

Growing Up

Grandmother

Order

It's The Night Of The Living Dead. It's Scary Out Here.

Night

Scary

Night Of The Living Dead

After My 1985 Appearance On The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I Was Wooed By Producers In Hollywood, Who Told Me They Wanted To Turn My Act Into A Sitcom.

Hollywood

Tonight

Appearance

I Say I'm The Only Serious Comedian In The Presidential Race. And I'd Like To Take This Opportunity To Ask Both Romney And Obama To Debate Me. Because I Think That Both Of Those Guys - I Think That The American People Are Being Given A False Choice, Because The Choice Between The Lesser Of Two Evils Is A False Choice.

Opportunity

Thinking

Race

My Best Friend Linda Is Leaving Her Husband Just Because He Is Unfaithful To Her. That Is No Reason To Leave The Person. I Feel Like After That, You Should Stay With Them And Make Sure That The Rest Of Their Life Is Sheer Hell.

Husband

Leaving

Infidelity

I'm A Farmer Now, And It's Fantastic. My Goal Is To Be Totally Self-sufficient And Grow Everything That I Eat. There's Something About Earning Your Dinner That's Cool.

Self

Goal

Dinner

I Have Five Kids From Three Marriages. I Come From A Trailer Park. My Sister And Brother Are Both Gay. I Have Multiple Personalities.

Brother

Kids

Gay

Anyone With A Show On T.v. Will Tell You It's Backbreaking Work. And If You Have A Big Personality, Which I Have, And You're A Perfectionist, There's Going To Be Head-butting.

Personality

Perfectionist

Bigs

'winning' In Hollywood Means Not Just Power, Money, And Complimentary Smoked-salmon Pizza, But Also That Everyone Around You Fails Just As You Are Peaking.

Mean

Winning

Hollywood

Self-esteem Is The Goddamn Root Of All Evil.

Self Esteem

Roots

Evil

My Husband Is Almost As Heavy As I Am. We Were Married In Adjoining Churches.

Husband

Church

Married

I Always Was A Writer, But Then I Wanted To Do Stand-up Because I Thought That Was A Way That I Could Perform What I Wrote.

Way

Wanted

Women Should Try To Increase Their Size Rather Than Decrease It, Because I Believe The Bigger We Are, The More Space We'll Take Up, And The More We'll Have To Be Reckoned With.

Believe

Space

Trying

You Can Really Learn From Donahue. I Didn't Know You Could Be A Woman In A Man's Body. You Go Out And You Can't Parallel Park.

Men

Body

Parks

A Lot Of Men Are Impotent And It's Very Sad. How Many Of You Are Impotent? I See. Can't Get Your Arms Up Either?

Men

Arms

Very Sad

You Can Always Get Better. Nobody Can Stop You From Getting Better, And Nobody Can Stop You From Trying To Make Something Right.

Inspirational

Get Better

Trying

You May Marry The Man Of Your Dreams, Ladies, But Fourteen Years Later You're Married To A Couch That Burps.

Dream

Men

Years

Part Of My Platform Is, Of Course, The Guilty Must Be Punished And That We No Longer Let Our Children See Their Guilty Leaders Getting Away With Murder. Because It Teaches Children, You Know, That They Don’t Have To Have Any Morals As Long As They Have Guns And Are Bullies And I Don’t Think That's A Good Message. . . . I Do Say That I Am In Favor Of The Return Of The Guillotine And That Is For The Worst Of The Worst Of The Guilty.

Children

Gun

Thinking

I First Would Allow The Guilty Bankers To Pay, You Know, The Ability To Pay Back Anything Over $100 Million [of] Personal Wealth Because I Believe In A Maximum Wage Of $100 Million. And If They Are Unable To Live On That Amount Of That Amount Then They Should, You Know, Go To The Reeducation Camps And If That Doesn't Help, Then Being Beheaded.

Believe

Bankers

Pay

Most Of The Books Call Her A He, But I Am Able To Ascertain What Is Meant, Despite That Semantic Error.

Book

Errors

Able

Nobody Wanted The "roseanne" Show. I Heard From Agents That There Was No Interest In A Show About A Fat Woman And Her Family.

Agents

Fats

Interest

I Like It When Very Little Children Think For Themselves, Because They Do Not Have Access To Car Keys Or Credit Cards Or Crack Pipes, But They Have Some Really Funny Lines.

Children

Thinking

Keys

I Am An Observant Jew! Now My Secret Is Out.

Secret

Jew

Observant

Sometimes For Me Not Throwing A Tantrum Is What Running A Marathon Or Swimming The English Channel Must Be Like For Others Of A Less-challenging Emotional Nature.

Running

Swimming

Emotional

I Was Not Raised A Zionist, But A Socialist, As Were Most Jews Before The Holocaust.

Holocaust

Socialist

Zionist

I Have Great Parents, And They Both Taught Me Great Things, But My Formative Years Were Boundaryless.

Years

Parent

Taught

I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

War

Law

Bullshit

A Lot Of Times Nerds Are Really Artists Listening To The Beat Of Another Drummer.

Artist

Nerd

Listening

Suddenly, People Had Three Phone Numbers But Never Answered Their Phones.

Phones

Numbers

People

I'm Enjoying My Life, Post-menopause, So Much. It's Just So Great To Grow Into Yourself, And Not Be Bothered With All That Tyranny Of Biology.

Biology

Menopause

Enjoy

I Am A Woman, Therefore I Am A Problem Solver.

Problem

Problem Solvers

My Daughter Made Me A Jerry Springer-watching Kit, With Crackers, Cheez Whiz, Polyester Stretch Pants And A T-shirt With Two Fat Women Fighting Over A Skinny Guy.

Daughter

Fighting

Two

Have You Heard About The Women Who Stabbed Her Husband 37 Times? I Admire Her Restraint.

Husband

Admire

Restraint

Illiteracy Is A Huge Problem In America. One In Three Adults In Our Country Is Illiterate.

Country

America

Adults

My Hope Is That Gays Will Be Running The World, Because Then There Would Be No War. Just A Greater Emphasis On Military Apparel.

Funny

Running

Military

The Thing Women Have Yet To Learn Is Nobody Gives You Power. You Just Take It.

Inspirational

Being Strong

Strong Women

I Hate Alcoholics And Aa (alcoholics Anonymous). If You Can't Drink Responsibly, Don't Drink At All. Don't Go To Meetings, Whine About Your Character Flaws And Blame The Fact That You Are A Sociopath On Booze.

Hate

Character

Facts

I Want To Say That Nobody Accuses Their Parents Of Abusing Them Without Justification To Do That. I Didn't Just Make It Up. A Lot Of Things Were True And Abusive And Horrible Things That Happened To Me That My Father Did.

Father

Parent

Want

Who's Elk Horn Do I Have To Blow In Order To Get Something To Eat Around Here?

Blow

Order

Elk

I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

Husband

Real

Writing

Two Things Do Me In: One's Chocolate Cake, The Other's Hypocrisy.

Cake

Two

Hypocrisy

I Like To Get People Talking. I Am A Provocateur, And I Do Like Getting On Twitter And Riling People Up. You Know What, After A While Some Sane Dialogue And Sane Conclusions Come Of That Kind Of Thing.

Talking

People

Kind

Acorn Is Organizing To Make Sure The Job Of Rebuilding New Orleans Is Done By The People Of New Orleans And Truly Benefits The Communities Who Have Been Hurt The Most.

Hurt

Jobs

New Orleans

Diets Are A Temporary Solution To A Permanent Problem.

Problem

Diets

Solutions

Take This Marriage Thing Seriously - It Has To Last All The Way To The Divorce.

Divorce

Insightful

Way

As A Housewife, I Feel That If The Kids Are Still Alive When My Husband Gets Home From Work, Then Hey, I've Done My Job.

Inspirational

Jobs

Husband

Patriarchy Is Impotent And Qualitatively Unable To Solve Even The Most Simple Problems In The Cosmos Such As Picking Up Their Own Socks Or Placing A Carton Of Milk Back In The Refrigerator After Drinking From It.

Drinking

Simple

Cosmos

There Isn't A Problem On This Earth That A Doughnut Cannot Make Better.

Earth

Problem

Doughnut

Somewhere Within The Concept Of Justice, The Worst Of The Guilty Must Always Be Removed. I Cannot Divorce This, Not Completely. The People Must Have Justice And So I Want To Reinstate And Enshrine The Blessed And Holy Guillotine!

Blessed

Divorce

People

I Always Had A Dissociative Disorder. But I Healed From It Over The Course Of 14 Years Of Big-time Therapy. But, You Know, I Mean, Everybody's Kind Of Loony Now. So I Was Kind Of A Pioneer In The Mental Illness Thing, Too.

Mean

Years

Pioneers

Finding A Calm Place Inside Myself Through Meditation Kind Of Helped Me To Get Over A Lot Of Mental Illness ... It's Just Been A Really Great Thing In My Life.

Meditation

Calm

Kind

You Know When You First Get Rich, And You, Like, Just Buy Everything That You See? I Did That For Several Years. And I Have Sheds Full Of Things, Maybe Sometimes Nine Copies Of The Same Thing.

Years

Nine

Firsts

My Husband Says, 'god, Roseanne, I Can't Remember The Last Time We Had Sex.' Well, I Can, And That Is Why We Ain't Doing It.

Sex

Husband

Lasts

Both The Democratic And Republican Parties Are Bought And Paid For By Corporate America And Cater To The Needs Of The Highest Bidder As Opposed To The People They Claim To Represent. I Cannot Be Bought.

Party

America

People

Women Of This Planet Need Some Essential Resources: Wells, Seeds And Roads. That Is Primarily All We Have Ever Needed. Added To That, Women Need Righteous And Strong Men Who Will Help Us To Use Our Most Cherished Gifts: The Ability To Multitask And Problem Solve.

Strong

Men

Essentials

Experts Say You Should Never Hit Your Children In Anger. When Is A Good Time? When You're Feeling Festive?

Funny Inspirational

Children

Anger

I Always Felt That It Was Easier To Take A Funny Person And Teach Them To Write Television Than To Take Somebody Who Was A Television Writer And Make Them Funny.

Writing

Television

Easier

I Know That I Pay 48 Percent Of My Income To Taxes. You Know, I Wouldn't Mind So Much If It Wasn't Going Just To Export War. If It Was Actually Going To Help The People Of The United States, I Would Gladly Pay More.

War

People

Mind

I Can't Have Cats Around Me Because They Try To Steal My Energy.

Cat

Trying

Energy

I Think That All Comics Or Humorists, Or Whatever We Are, Ask Questions. That's What We're Supposed To Do. But I Not Only Ask The Questions, I Offer Solutions.

Thinking

Offers

Solutions

Politics And Religion In The United States Work Like The Twin Grips Of A Pair Of Pliers On A Critical Mass Of The Masses.

United States

Pliers

Politics

I Have More Money Than God, But Not As Much As Oprah.

More Money

Humanity Is A Failed Experiment, But I Think I'm God And I'd Like To Start Over. I Don't Want To Die, I Just Want Everyone Else To. I Certainly Would Not Be Lonely. It Would Be Exciting Never Having To Listen To Another Person Again But Just My Own Self Droning On And On. That's Why I Write A Blog. And I Read It, Too.

Lonely

Writing

Thinking

No Government In The Middle East Is Innocent. Wars Make The Stock Market Go Up, So No One In America Is Innocent Either, Nor Anyone Anywhere Where Capitalism Reigns.

War

Government

America

You Know What, When I Was Thin, I Thought There Was A Fat Girl Trying To Get Out Of Me.

Girl

Trying

Weight

I'm Not Upset About My Divorce. I'm Only Upset That I'm Not A Widow.

Divorce

Upset

Widows

As Prime Minister Of Israel, I Will Introduce A Bill Into The Knesset That Will Simply Pay The Arabs Not To Shoot At The Jews.

Israel

Pay

Bills

And, You Know, I Liked Writing Humor. Well, I Should Say, I Wanted To Write Seriously, But It Kept Turning Funny.

Writing

Should

Wells

You Know, I'm Blessed. 'blessed' Is A Better Way Of Saying 'rich.'

Blessed

Way

Rich

Us Needs To Fix Up It's Election System So That Votes Are Fairly Counted, And The Electoral College Is Removed.

College

Needs

Election

I Figure If The Kids Are Alive At The End Of The Day, I've Done My Job.

Jobs

Kids

Parenting

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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