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In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

-Roseanne Barr

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In The New World

Roseanne Barr

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In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

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In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

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Pot Enables You To Think Clearly Without Any Fear Or Any Limits. It's A Mind-expander, Which Is Part Of Why It's Illegal And Why Drugs Like Vicodin Are Legal.

I'm Just Into Spirituality. I Believe That In A Previous Life I Used To Be Shirley Maclaine.

Women Complain About Pms, But I Think Of It As The Only Time Of The Month When I Can Be Myself.

I Figure If The Kids Are Alive At The End Of The Day, I've Done My Job.

There Is No Scarier Chasm Of Darkness Than The Human Mind.

Hollywood Is The Only Place On Earth That Has More Vampires, More Undead, More Resurrections Than A Month Of Easter Sundays.

The Only Options Open For Girls Then Were Of Course Mother, Secretary Or Teacher. At Least That's What We All Thought And Were Preparing Ourselves For. Now, I Must Say How Lucky We Are, As Women, To Live In An Age Where 'dental Hygienist' Has Been Added To The List.

Who's Elk Horn Do I Have To Blow In Order To Get Something To Eat Around Here?

I Signed A Deal With Satan Because I Wanted To Get Famous. Then I Forgot I Had A Deal With Satan And Then I Got Really Famous.

I Actually Get More Conservative When I'm In Vegas.

As Prime Minister Of Israel, I Will Introduce A Bill Into The Knesset That Will Simply Pay The Arabs Not To Shoot At The Jews.

Adults In A Free Country Should Be Able To Smoke A Joint If They Want To.

I'm Fat And Proud Of It. If Someone Asks Me How My Diet Is Going, I Say 'fine - How Was Your Lobotomy?'

I Had One Kid With The Birth Control Pill, I Had One With The Diaphram And I Had One With The I.u.d. I Don't Even Know What Happened With My I.u.d. It Never Came Out. But I Have My Suspicions Because That Kid Picks Up Hbo.

Finding A Calm Place Inside Myself Through Meditation Kind Of Helped Me To Get Over A Lot Of Mental Illness ... It's Just Been A Really Great Thing In My Life.

The Most Out-there Thing I’m Saying Is, ‘don’t Have Babies. Don’t Get Married And Have Kids. Have A Larger Life Than That.

I Hate Alcoholics And Aa (alcoholics Anonymous). If You Can't Drink Responsibly, Don't Drink At All. Don't Go To Meetings, Whine About Your Character Flaws And Blame The Fact That You Are A Sociopath On Booze.

You Know, I'm Blessed. 'blessed' Is A Better Way Of Saying 'rich.'

I Was Not Raised A Zionist, But A Socialist, As Were Most Jews Before The Holocaust.

A Good Man Doesn't Just Happen. They Have To Be Created By Us Women. A Guy Is A Lump Like This Doughnut.

I Didn't Know That Being In A Relationship Meant You Had To Be Nice. I Thought It Meant You Had To Hack Away At The Other Person Until They Were Beaten Down And Then Were Too Afraid To Leave.

Judaism Is One Of The Last Of The World's Matrilineal Philosophies. Matriarchies Are Always The Cultures That Patriarchy Attacks And Decimates, Because They Don't Spend All Their Money On The Military Like Patriarchy Does. They Are Easy Prey.

I Used To Want To Be A Movie Star So I Wouldn't Have To Live In Trailers Anymore. And Now That I Make Movies, I Spend A Lot Of My Life Living In Trailers.

This Bugs Me The Worst. That's When The Husband Thinks That The Wife Knows Where Everything Is, Huh? Like They Think The Uterus Is A Tracking Device. He Comes In: "hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do We Have Any Cheetos Left?" Like He Can't Go Over And Lift Up The Sofa Cushion Himself.

Truth Is Available To The Ears That Can Hear It.

They've Said 'roseanne's Nuts' For Years, And Now I'm Going To Make That A Reality - I'm All About Nuts Now, Macadamia Nuts!

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I Have Great Parents, And They Both Taught Me Great Things, But My Formative Years Were Boundaryless.

No Government In The Middle East Is Innocent. Wars Make The Stock Market Go Up, So No One In America Is Innocent Either, Nor Anyone Anywhere Where Capitalism Reigns.

I Have Five Kids From Three Marriages. I Come From A Trailer Park. My Sister And Brother Are Both Gay. I Have Multiple Personalities.

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We Had No Religion At All, But We Were Jews In New Hampshire, And My Sister - Who Is Now A Rabbi - Said It Best: We Were, Like, The Only Jews In Bedford, New Hampshire, As Well As The Only Democrats, So We Just Kind Of Associated Those Two Things Together. My Dad Raised Us To Believe That Paying Taxes Is An Honor.

One Of The First Things I Bought When I Made 'roseanne Show' Money Was A Farm In Iowa.

I Loved Work And I Loved Pouring Myself Into The Work, You Know. It Was The Real Life That I Had Trouble With.

I Am A Woman, Therefore I Am A Problem Solver.

Problem Solvers

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It's Okay To Be Fat. So You're Fat. Just Be Fat And Shut Up About It.

I Remember Performing On A Punk Stage With No Mic In The Middle Of A Mosh Pit. My Act Was Called "how To Be A Domestic Goddess."

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Abortion Is A Woman's Right.

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I'm A Heterosexual. I Don't Know Why I'm Like This. I Was Just Born This Way.

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I'm Either Mentally Ill Or Jewish. I Can't Sometimes Tell The Difference.

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I Know How To Do Anything, I'm A Mom.

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I Avoided Reality For Most Of My Life. But Once You Deal With It, It's Kind Of Cool.

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There's Nothing Like A Hardship Song To Set My Toes A-tappin.

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I Have Horrible Stage Fright - You Know How You Go Through The Bi-polar Stage Fright Thing? Then You Go On Drugs To Get Over The Stage Fright And Perform, But Then You're Not Funny At All.

Men Read Maps Better Than Women Because Only Men Can Understand The Concept Of An Inch Equaling A Hundred Miles.

I Meditate So I Know How To Find A Peaceful Place Within To Be Calm And Peaceful.

The Day I Worry About Cleaning My House Is The Day Sears Comes Out With A Riding Vacuum Cleaner.

Funny Relationship

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I’m Not A Politician. I Think That Uniquely Qualifies Me To Become President Of The U.s.

Suddenly, People Had Three Phone Numbers But Never Answered Their Phones.

I Have A Huge Crush On President George W. Bush. I Saw Him At A Recent Fundraiser, And He`s A Babe. He`s Got That Ronald Reagan Charm. I Think He`s Hot. I Respect His Wife, But If He Wasn`t Married I`d Be Putting On My Cowboy Boots And Coming Around.

Women Should Try To Increase Their Size Rather Than Decrease It, Because I Believe The Bigger We Are, The More Space We'll Take Up, And The More We'll Have To Be Reckoned With.

Meditation State Is A Place Of Deep Relaxation Where You Can Pinpoint The Things You Do And To Set A Paradigm Switch From Effect To Cause. So How To Be A Cause In Your Own Life.

Politics And Religion In The United States Work Like The Twin Grips Of A Pair Of Pliers On A Critical Mass Of The Masses.

I Thank God For Creating Gay Men. Because If It Wasn't For Them, Us Fat Women Would Have No One To Dance With.

As A Housewife, I Feel That If The Kids Are Still Alive When My Husband Gets Home From Work, Then Hey, I've Done My Job.

Self-esteem Is The Goddamn Root Of All Evil.

You Must Never Be Afraid In New York City, Because Then You Will Call Bad Stuff To You And You Will Not Like It There.

I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

I'm Never Going To Get Married Again. Three Strikes, You're Out. I Think If I Would Try To Get Married Again In California, I Have To Go To Prison, Don't I? I Think You Only Get Three.

Everything That`s Written About Me Has Such A Negative Taint. It Just Has A Life Of Its Own, Like An Avalanche, And I Don`t Think There`s Anything I Can Do To Stop It.

My Real Life Is Funnier Than Anything On Tv.

Tv Is A Language All Its Own, A Land Of One Dimensional Stereotypes That Destroys Culture, Not Adds To It. Tv Is Anti-art, A Reflection Of Consumerism That Serves The Power Structure. Tv Is About Demographics.

It's A Big Culture Of Mind Control Too, Mk-ultra Mind Control Rules In Hollywood. If You Don't Know That, Google It And Look Into It. It's Really Hard For Artists To Find Their Voice In The Media. It's Levels Of Brainwashing And Mind Control.

Diets Are A Temporary Solution To A Permanent Problem.

Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Personal Opinions

A Guy Is A Lump Like A Doughnut. So, First You Gotta Get Rid Of All The Stuff His Mom Did To Him. And Then You Gotta Get Rid Of All That Macho Crap That They Pick Up From Beer Commercials. And Then There's My Personal Favorite, The Male Ego.

I Think I Should Be Here Alone To Rethink The World, I Do. I Want These Lesser Humans Gone.

Don't Call People Names You Dirty Name Caller You.

If You Spend All Your Time Worrying About Dying, Living Isn't Going To Be Much Fun.

I Quit Smoking. I Feel Better. I Smell Better. And It's Safer To Drink Out Of Old Beer Cans Laying Around The House.

I Always Had A Dissociative Disorder. But I Healed From It Over The Course Of 14 Years Of Big-time Therapy. But, You Know, I Mean, Everybody's Kind Of Loony Now. So I Was Kind Of A Pioneer In The Mental Illness Thing, Too.

My Husband Says, 'god, Roseanne, I Can't Remember The Last Time We Had Sex.' Well, I Can, And That Is Why We Ain't Doing It.

My Kids Were Completely Out Of Control, While I Was Working Fifteen Hours A Day Plus Weekends. I Screamed A Lot, Something I'm Not Particularly Proud Of, But It Was That Or Firearms.

My Husband And I Didn't Sign A Pre-nuptial Agreement. We Signed A Mutual Suicide Pact.

My Husband Is Almost As Heavy As I Am. We Were Married In Adjoining Churches.

Two Things Do Me In: One's Chocolate Cake, The Other's Hypocrisy.

I Think That All Comics Or Humorists, Or Whatever We Are, Ask Questions. That's What We're Supposed To Do. But I Not Only Ask The Questions, I Offer Solutions.

We Never Get Sick Of Each Other. That's How Sick We Are.

Love And Marriage

I Had Left Home (like All Jewish Girls) In Order To Eat Pork And Take Birth Control Pills. When I First Shared An Intimate Evening With My Husband, I Was Swept Away By The Passion (so Dormant Inside Myself) Of A Long And Tortured Existence. The Physical Cravings I Had Tried So Hard To Deny, Finally And Ultimately Sated ... But Enough About The Pork.

I Will Barnstorm American Living Rooms. Mainstream Media Will Be Unable To Ignore Me, But More Importantly They Will Be Unable To Overlook The Needs Of Average Americans In The Run-up To The 2012 Election.

Just Ten Of The Jewish Billionaires On This Earth Have More Than Enough To Transform The Occupied Territories Into Heaven. We Can Put The 'pal' Back In Palestinian.

You Know When You First Get Rich, And You, Like, Just Buy Everything That You See? I Did That For Several Years. And I Have Sheds Full Of Things, Maybe Sometimes Nine Copies Of The Same Thing.

Patriarchy Is A Bully Notion, Which If You Will Notice Never Attacks A Nation That Can Defend Itself. Zionism Is Patriarchal And Sets Judaism On Its Head.

Patriarchal Society

I Want To Say That Nobody Accuses Their Parents Of Abusing Them Without Justification To Do That. I Didn't Just Make It Up. A Lot Of Things Were True And Abusive And Horrible Things That Happened To Me That My Father Did.

Have You Heard About The Women Who Stabbed Her Husband 37 Times? I Admire Her Restraint.

Whatever Helps You Sleep Is My Opinion On The Subject, And That's What I Like About The Western World's Most Popular Religion, It Has Helped Put So Many People To Sleep, Although Most Of Them Permanently And Without Their Approval.

There Isn't Any New Man. The New Man Is The Old Man, Only He Whines More.

You Know What, When I Was Thin, I Thought There Was A Fat Girl Trying To Get Out Of Me.

I Want To Eat, Cook, Meet Famous People And Make Fun Of Them.

I'm Not Going To Vacuum 'til Sears Makes One You Can Ride On.

I Used To Think That Communing With Nature Was A Healing, Positive Thing. Now, I Think I'd Like To Commune With Other Things - Like Room Service And Temperature Control.

My Dad Taught Me Swears When I Was A Toddler, And I Saw, At A Really Early Age, That If I Shocked People, I Would Get Approval, And It Made My Arms Itch With Glee. I Got Addicted To It. It Became This Source Of Power In A Totally Powerless Life.

The Thing Women Have Yet To Learn Is Nobody Gives You Power. You Just Take It.

I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

I'm Funnier Now Because I'm Braver And Less Full Of Hate, So Everything Is Even More Ridiculous Than It Was Before.

There Isn't A Problem On This Earth That A Doughnut Cannot Make Better.

Oh, Hi. I Been Married Thirteen Years, And Lemme Tell You, It's A Thrill To Be Out Of The House. I Never Get Out Of The House. I Stay Home All The Time. I Never Do Anything Fun 'cause I'm A Housewife. I Hate The Word "housewife." I Prefer To Be Called "domestic Goddess.

I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians. I'd Rather Go Straight To Hell, And Not Collect $200.

You May Marry The Man Of Your Dreams, Ladies, But Fourteen Years Later You're Married To A Couch That Burps.

Everything Here Must Be Done Twice As No One Can Do It Right The First Time.

Take This Marriage Thing Seriously - It Has To Last All The Way To The Divorce.

Anyone With A Show On T.v. Will Tell You It's Backbreaking Work. And If You Have A Big Personality, Which I Have, And You're A Perfectionist, There's Going To Be Head-butting.

I Am An Observant Jew! Now My Secret Is Out.

Putting Measures Like Gay Marriage On Ballots For Elections Only Hurts The Gay Rights Cause And Elects More Conservative Politicians.

Legalize Hemp And Allow Women To Grow It And Make Food, Clothing And Housing For Pennies From It And Legalize Marijuana Too. Let Women Integrate Their Divided Consciousness With A Natural Herb Instead Of Doctors' Pills That Kill The Liver.

And, You Know, I Liked Writing Humor. Well, I Should Say, I Wanted To Write Seriously, But It Kept Turning Funny.

I'm A Comic, And I'm Supposed To Outrage And Make People Laugh, Part Of Makin' People Laugh Is To Shake Up Their Thinkin'. That's What I Came Here To Do.

Without Democracy In Our Homes, We Will Never Have It In The World.

I Like To Get People Talking. I Am A Provocateur, And I Do Like Getting On Twitter And Riling People Up. You Know What, After A While Some Sane Dialogue And Sane Conclusions Come Of That Kind Of Thing.

A Lot Of Men Are Impotent And It's Very Sad. How Many Of You Are Impotent? I See. Can't Get Your Arms Up Either?

I Try To Tell People To Keep Having Hope. It's Always What You Don't Know And Don't Expect That's Gonna Be So Great.

Experts Say You Should Never Hit Your Children In Anger. When Is A Good Time? When You're Feeling Festive?

Funny Inspirational

I've Never Done Anything For Money, And That Is Why I Got Money. When You Do Stuff For Money, You Never Get Money.

I Know That I Pay 48 Percent Of My Income To Taxes. You Know, I Wouldn't Mind So Much If It Wasn't Going Just To Export War. If It Was Actually Going To Help The People Of The United States, I Would Gladly Pay More.

Hillary Clinton And Barack Hussein Obama Cannot Win, And They Are Put In Place To Assure A Victory By Mitt Romney... This Is The Plan Of All The Insurance Companies That Are Owned By Mormon Interests. It Is Unfolding As The Mormon Church Planned Over The Last Fifty Years.

I Was Completely Nuts For Most Of My Life.

To Say That I Have An Undisciplined Mind Would Not Be Incorrect Overall, But It's A Little Off The Mark Because I Have Great Discipline When I Write - But Only For About Ten Minutes.

It's The Night Of The Living Dead. It's Scary Out Here.

Night Of The Living Dead

Humanity Is A Failed Experiment, But I Think I'm God And I'd Like To Start Over. I Don't Want To Die, I Just Want Everyone Else To. I Certainly Would Not Be Lonely. It Would Be Exciting Never Having To Listen To Another Person Again But Just My Own Self Droning On And On. That's Why I Write A Blog. And I Read It, Too.

I Want To Be The Girl In Indiana Jones. I Would Love To Do An Adventure Movie Where I Was Saving The World. It Might Be Cool If I Used A Lot Of Kitchen Tools To Fight Off The Enemy.

My Hope Is That Gays Will Be Running The World, Because Then There Would Be No War. Just A Greater Emphasis On Military Apparel.

Eat As Much As You'd Like. My Philosophy Has Always Been That All Women Desire To Be As Fat As Myself But Just Have A Great Fear Of Doing So. Because They Think They Won't Get Any Men, But You Will. You'll Get More Men, And Better Men.

When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

Being Hated And Hunted And Blamed For Your Own Suffering Makes People Kind Of Testy, Nervous, And On Edge, And Often Fundamentalist And Extreme. Bombs Get Thrown Only When People Cannot Honestly Talk Together.

As The Books Got More And More Zionist And Less And Less Socialist, My Entire Generation, At Least A Large Percentage Of It, Simply Left Judaism. We Became Buddhist And Hindu And Atheist Or Agnostic, All Of Which (except Christian) Were More In Keeping With Peaceful Self-transformative Ideas That Did Not Bow Down To Militarism.

I Survived My Childhood By Birthing Many Separate Identities To Stand In For One Another In Times Of Great Stress And Fear.

'winning' In Hollywood Means Not Just Power, Money, And Complimentary Smoked-salmon Pizza, But Also That Everyone Around You Fails Just As You Are Peaking.

Tv Family Sitcoms Have Always Been About Fathers Who Know Best And Mothers Who Are So Enchanted With Everything They Do. I Wanted To Be The First Mom To Be A Mom On Tv. I Wanted To Sent Out A Message About How Us Women Really Feel.

My Grandmother ... Came Here, Not Only Like So Many Others Because Of The Streets 'being Paved With Gold' And All, But Because She Wanted To Leave The Place Where The Streets Were Paved With People Who Had Not Gone To America.

My Best Friend Linda Is Leaving Her Husband Just Because He Is Unfaithful To Her. That Is No Reason To Leave The Person. I Feel Like After That, You Should Stay With Them And Make Sure That The Rest Of Their Life Is Sheer Hell.

I Loved Comedy All My Life. I Think It's A Real Powerful Art Form.

When I Used To Watch Comedians With My Dad, He Laid It All Out For Me. He Wanted To Be A Comedian Himself, And He Was So Funny. We'd Watch Stand-up On Tv, And He'd Tell Me The Subtext Of What They Were Saying.

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Katharine Fullerton Gerould

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