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Suddenly, People Had Three Phone Numbers But Never Answered Their Phones.

-Roseanne Barr

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Suddenly, People Had Three

Roseanne Barr

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Suddenly, People Had Three Phone Numbers But Never Answered Their Phones.

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Don't Call People Names You Dirty Name Caller You.

I Survived My Childhood By Birthing Many Separate Identities To Stand In For One Another In Times Of Great Stress And Fear.

Impeach The President And The Vice President, They Are Traitors To America, And So Are All Of Their Supporters. Impeach! Anyone In Congress Who Refuses To Save Our Union From These Traitors By Doing Nothing Needs To Be Recalled.

Everyone In America (according To My Generalizations) Is A Potential Millionaire Waiting For His Or Her Big Break. I Was Astonished Lately To Realize That Americans Are Definitely Believing In And Planning For The Future, Despite The Fact That They Elected Ronald Reagan Twice.

A Lot Of People Who Are Actors And Artists Who Work In Hollywood Come From A Background Of Abuse, And You Can Make Abused People Very Fearful And They'll Do What They're Told. Hollywood Definitely Has A Point Of View That It Sells.

I Think I Should Be Here Alone To Rethink The World, I Do. I Want These Lesser Humans Gone.

A Lot Of Men Are Impotent And It's Very Sad. How Many Of You Are Impotent? I See. Can't Get Your Arms Up Either?

Women Complain About Pms, But I Think Of It As The Only Time Of The Month When I Can Be Myself.

A Good Man Doesn't Just Happen. They Have To Be Created By Us Women. A Guy Is A Lump Like This Doughnut.

I Want To Be The Girl In Indiana Jones. I Would Love To Do An Adventure Movie Where I Was Saving The World. It Might Be Cool If I Used A Lot Of Kitchen Tools To Fight Off The Enemy.

My Husband Says, 'roseanne, Don't You Think We Ought To Talk About Our Sexual Problems?' Like I'm Gonna Turn Off Wheel Of Fortune For That.

I'm Never Going To Get Married Again. Three Strikes, You're Out. I Think If I Would Try To Get Married Again In California, I Have To Go To Prison, Don't I? I Think You Only Get Three.

Women Should Try To Increase Their Size Rather Than Decrease It, Because I Believe The Bigger We Are, The More Space We'll Take Up, And The More We'll Have To Be Reckoned With.

Half The World's Starving; The Other Half Is Trying To Lose Weight.

I’m Not A Politician. I Think That Uniquely Qualifies Me To Become President Of The U.s.

If You Spend All Your Time Worrying About Dying, Living Isn't Going To Be Much Fun.

Once You Get Away From Wanting To Get Paid, You Can Actually Say Some True Things.

I Like To Get People Talking. I Am A Provocateur, And I Do Like Getting On Twitter And Riling People Up. You Know What, After A While Some Sane Dialogue And Sane Conclusions Come Of That Kind Of Thing.

I Hate Alcoholics And Aa (alcoholics Anonymous). If You Can't Drink Responsibly, Don't Drink At All. Don't Go To Meetings, Whine About Your Character Flaws And Blame The Fact That You Are A Sociopath On Booze.

Men Read Maps Better Than Women Because Only Men Can Understand The Concept Of An Inch Equaling A Hundred Miles.

I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

I'm Either Mentally Ill Or Jewish. I Can't Sometimes Tell The Difference.

When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

Putting Measures Like Gay Marriage On Ballots For Elections Only Hurts The Gay Rights Cause And Elects More Conservative Politicians.

I Have Five Kids From Three Marriages. I Come From A Trailer Park. My Sister And Brother Are Both Gay. I Have Multiple Personalities.

Meditation State Is A Place Of Deep Relaxation Where You Can Pinpoint The Things You Do And To Set A Paradigm Switch From Effect To Cause. So How To Be A Cause In Your Own Life.

I Had - After I Sang The 'star Spangled Banner' So Badly, After My Tragic Singing Accident, After That, You Know, All My Stuff Kind Of, Like, Really Got Even More Full Blown And, You Know, I Got Stage Fright And, You Know, I Couldn't Do Stand-up Anymore And Let Alone Sing And All The Other Things.

Growing Up In A Jewish Matriarchal World Inside The Patriarchal Paradise Of Salt Lake City, Utah, Gave Me Increased Perspective On Gender Issues, As It Also Did My Gay Brother And My Lesbian Sister. Our Younger Sister Is The Perfect Jewish-american Wife And Mother, And Is Fiercely Proud Of That Fact.

I Want To Say That Nobody Accuses Their Parents Of Abusing Them Without Justification To Do That. I Didn't Just Make It Up. A Lot Of Things Were True And Abusive And Horrible Things That Happened To Me That My Father Did.

I'm So Much More Famous Than I Am Financially Successful.

In Order To Be Able To Write A Good Joke, You Have To Find The Truth.

I'm A Heterosexual. I Don't Know Why I'm Like This. I Was Just Born This Way.

I Believe In Equal Rights For All Citizens. One Law For All.

It's Okay To Be Fat. So You're Fat. Just Be Fat And Shut Up About It.

My Children Love Me. I'm Like The Mother They Never Had.

I Hold To Nothing But Envisioning International Peace And Utopia. We All Have Many More Things In Common Than Not.

Hollywood Is The Only Place On Earth That Has More Vampires, More Undead, More Resurrections Than A Month Of Easter Sundays.

Nobody Wanted The "roseanne" Show. I Heard From Agents That There Was No Interest In A Show About A Fat Woman And Her Family.

I Was Not Raised A Zionist, But A Socialist, As Were Most Jews Before The Holocaust.

Have You Heard About The Women Who Stabbed Her Husband 37 Times? I Admire Her Restraint.

I Am A Woman, Therefore I Am A Problem Solver.

Problem Solvers

I Used To Want To Be A Movie Star So I Wouldn't Have To Live In Trailers Anymore. And Now That I Make Movies, I Spend A Lot Of My Life Living In Trailers.

There's Nothing Like A Hardship Song To Set My Toes A-tappin.

Patriarchy Is Impotent And Qualitatively Unable To Solve Even The Most Simple Problems In The Cosmos Such As Picking Up Their Own Socks Or Placing A Carton Of Milk Back In The Refrigerator After Drinking From It.

My Kids Were Completely Out Of Control, While I Was Working Fifteen Hours A Day Plus Weekends. I Screamed A Lot, Something I'm Not Particularly Proud Of, But It Was That Or Firearms.

They've Said 'roseanne's Nuts' For Years, And Now I'm Going To Make That A Reality - I'm All About Nuts Now, Macadamia Nuts!

It's Not Really The Job Of A Public Servant To Inspire, But To Get The Job That The People Demand Done. The Democrats Think That If They Have Hope And Are Inspired, Things Will Get Better, But They Actually Won't.

Just Ten Of The Jewish Billionaires On This Earth Have More Than Enough To Transform The Occupied Territories Into Heaven. We Can Put The 'pal' Back In Palestinian.

My Hope Is That Gays Will Be Running The World, Because Then There Would Be No War. Just A Greater Emphasis On Military Apparel.

I'm A Farmer Now, And It's Fantastic. My Goal Is To Be Totally Self-sufficient And Grow Everything That I Eat. There's Something About Earning Your Dinner That's Cool.

Acorn Is Organizing To Make Sure The Job Of Rebuilding New Orleans Is Done By The People Of New Orleans And Truly Benefits The Communities Who Have Been Hurt The Most.

I Have A Huge Crush On President George W. Bush. I Saw Him At A Recent Fundraiser, And He`s A Babe. He`s Got That Ronald Reagan Charm. I Think He`s Hot. I Respect His Wife, But If He Wasn`t Married I`d Be Putting On My Cowboy Boots And Coming Around.

I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians. I'd Rather Go Straight To Hell, And Not Collect $200.

I'm Fat And Proud Of It. If Someone Asks Me How My Diet Is Going, I Say 'fine - How Was Your Lobotomy?'

I Have Horrible Stage Fright - You Know How You Go Through The Bi-polar Stage Fright Thing? Then You Go On Drugs To Get Over The Stage Fright And Perform, But Then You're Not Funny At All.

Part Of My Platform Is, Of Course, The Guilty Must Be Punished And That We No Longer Let Our Children See Their Guilty Leaders Getting Away With Murder. Because It Teaches Children, You Know, That They Don’t Have To Have Any Morals As Long As They Have Guns And Are Bullies And I Don’t Think That's A Good Message. . . . I Do Say That I Am In Favor Of The Return Of The Guillotine And That Is For The Worst Of The Worst Of The Guilty.

I'm Just Into Spirituality. I Believe That In A Previous Life I Used To Be Shirley Maclaine.

Those Who Can't Do, Teach. And, As Woody Allen Says, Those Who Can't Teach, Teach Gym. And, As I Say, Those Who Can't Teach Gym Become Experts. That's Who We Look To For Answers These Days-the People Telling You How To Make Your Marriage Work. Men Telling Women How To Raise Their Self-esteem. The Only Thing That Cures Everything Is Talking To People Who Have The Same Problem You Do. The Rest Is Just A Moneymaking Bullshit Scheme That Some Asshole Is Getting Rich On.

Experts Say You Should Never Hit Your Children In Anger. When Is A Good Time? When You're Feeling Festive?

Funny Inspirational

It's A Big Culture Of Mind Control Too, Mk-ultra Mind Control Rules In Hollywood. If You Don't Know That, Google It And Look Into It. It's Really Hard For Artists To Find Their Voice In The Media. It's Levels Of Brainwashing And Mind Control.

I Want To Eat, Cook, Meet Famous People And Make Fun Of Them.

'winning' In Hollywood Means Not Just Power, Money, And Complimentary Smoked-salmon Pizza, But Also That Everyone Around You Fails Just As You Are Peaking.

As The Books Got More And More Zionist And Less And Less Socialist, My Entire Generation, At Least A Large Percentage Of It, Simply Left Judaism. We Became Buddhist And Hindu And Atheist Or Agnostic, All Of Which (except Christian) Were More In Keeping With Peaceful Self-transformative Ideas That Did Not Bow Down To Militarism.

Finding A Calm Place Inside Myself Through Meditation Kind Of Helped Me To Get Over A Lot Of Mental Illness ... It's Just Been A Really Great Thing In My Life.

The Basic Thing Is, People Want To Get Paid, So They'll Say The Things That Get Them Paid, In Entertainment Or Politics.

No Government In The Middle East Is Innocent. Wars Make The Stock Market Go Up, So No One In America Is Innocent Either, Nor Anyone Anywhere Where Capitalism Reigns.

We Had No Religion At All, But We Were Jews In New Hampshire, And My Sister - Who Is Now A Rabbi - Said It Best: We Were, Like, The Only Jews In Bedford, New Hampshire, As Well As The Only Democrats, So We Just Kind Of Associated Those Two Things Together. My Dad Raised Us To Believe That Paying Taxes Is An Honor.

Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Personal Opinions

My Husband Says, 'god, Roseanne, I Can't Remember The Last Time We Had Sex.' Well, I Can, And That Is Why We Ain't Doing It.

Comedy Is The Only Hope For Humanity.

There Isn't A Problem On This Earth That A Doughnut Cannot Make Better.

Pot Enables You To Think Clearly Without Any Fear Or Any Limits. It's A Mind-expander, Which Is Part Of Why It's Illegal And Why Drugs Like Vicodin Are Legal.

I First Would Allow The Guilty Bankers To Pay, You Know, The Ability To Pay Back Anything Over $100 Million [of] Personal Wealth Because I Believe In A Maximum Wage Of $100 Million. And If They Are Unable To Live On That Amount Of That Amount Then They Should, You Know, Go To The Reeducation Camps And If That Doesn't Help, Then Being Beheaded.

Two Things Do Me In: One's Chocolate Cake, The Other's Hypocrisy.

I'm Funnier Now Because I'm Braver And Less Full Of Hate, So Everything Is Even More Ridiculous Than It Was Before.

To Say That I Have An Undisciplined Mind Would Not Be Incorrect Overall, But It's A Little Off The Mark Because I Have Great Discipline When I Write - But Only For About Ten Minutes.

I Like It When Very Little Children Think For Themselves, Because They Do Not Have Access To Car Keys Or Credit Cards Or Crack Pipes, But They Have Some Really Funny Lines.

Sometimes For Me Not Throwing A Tantrum Is What Running A Marathon Or Swimming The English Channel Must Be Like For Others Of A Less-challenging Emotional Nature.

You May Marry The Man Of Your Dreams, Ladies, But Fourteen Years Later You're Married To A Couch That Burps.

I Used To Play Barbies With My Mormon Neighbor Friend; It Was Always, "oh, We're Going To Go On A Date. Ken's Taking Us Out, And We're Going With Ken On A Date." And I Was Like, "we're Parachuting Behind Enemy Lines To Save The Jews." That's How I Played Barbies. I Was Told When I Was A Girl That Every Jewish Woman Has To Have Five Children To Replace Three Fifths Of Our People That Were Killed. That's How I Was Raised.

To Expect Life To Treat You Good Is Foolish As Hoping A Bull Won't Hit You Because You Are A Vegetarian.

A Lot Of Times Nerds Are Really Artists Listening To The Beat Of Another Drummer.

I Quit Smoking. I Feel Better. I Smell Better. And It's Safer To Drink Out Of Old Beer Cans Laying Around The House.

I'm Enjoying My Life, Post-menopause, So Much. It's Just So Great To Grow Into Yourself, And Not Be Bothered With All That Tyranny Of Biology.

Who's Elk Horn Do I Have To Blow In Order To Get Something To Eat Around Here?

I Know How To Do Anything, I'm A Mom.

My Daughter Made Me A Jerry Springer-watching Kit, With Crackers, Cheez Whiz, Polyester Stretch Pants And A T-shirt With Two Fat Women Fighting Over A Skinny Guy.

Tv Family Sitcoms Have Always Been About Fathers Who Know Best And Mothers Who Are So Enchanted With Everything They Do. I Wanted To Be The First Mom To Be A Mom On Tv. I Wanted To Sent Out A Message About How Us Women Really Feel.

Suddenly, People Had Three Phone Numbers But Never Answered Their Phones.

I Thank God For Creating Gay Men. Because If It Wasn't For Them, Us Fat Women Would Have No One To Dance With.

You Know, I'm Blessed. 'blessed' Is A Better Way Of Saying 'rich.'

I Can't Have Cats Around Me Because They Try To Steal My Energy.

Ever Since I Was A Girl, I Have Written About One To Five Pages Every Day - On Napkins, On Scrap Paper, In Notebooks And Tablets, On The Walls In My Room As A Teenager, And In Orange Paint On The Cheap White Plastic Blinds In My Room.

Everything Here Must Be Done Twice As No One Can Do It Right The First Time.

Birth Control That Really Works - Every Night Before We Go To Bed We Spend An Hour With Our Kids.

I Try To Tell People To Keep Having Hope. It's Always What You Don't Know And Don't Expect That's Gonna Be So Great.

I Didn't Know That Being In A Relationship Meant You Had To Be Nice. I Thought It Meant You Had To Hack Away At The Other Person Until They Were Beaten Down And Then Were Too Afraid To Leave.

I Loved Comedy All My Life. I Think It's A Real Powerful Art Form.

My Family Were Hitters. If You Made Them Laugh, They Didn't Hit You. My Dad Wouldn't Hit Me If I Got Him With Humor Right Between The Eyes.

Abortion Is A Woman's Right.

I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

Laugh Every Day As Much As You Can.

I Used To Think That Communing With Nature Was A Healing, Positive Thing. Now, I Think I'd Like To Commune With Other Things - Like Room Service And Temperature Control.

I Know That I Pay 48 Percent Of My Income To Taxes. You Know, I Wouldn't Mind So Much If It Wasn't Going Just To Export War. If It Was Actually Going To Help The People Of The United States, I Would Gladly Pay More.

As Prime Minister Of Israel, I Will Introduce A Bill Into The Knesset That Will Simply Pay The Arabs Not To Shoot At The Jews.

Us Needs To Fix Up It's Election System So That Votes Are Fairly Counted, And The Electoral College Is Removed.

Since I Had My Gastric Bypass Surgery In 1998, I Eat Like A Bird. Unfortunately, That Bird Is A California Condor.

I Remember Performing On A Punk Stage With No Mic In The Middle Of A Mosh Pit. My Act Was Called "how To Be A Domestic Goddess."

My Grandmother ... Came Here, Not Only Like So Many Others Because Of The Streets 'being Paved With Gold' And All, But Because She Wanted To Leave The Place Where The Streets Were Paved With People Who Had Not Gone To America.

I'm Not Going To Vacuum 'til Sears Makes One You Can Ride On.

Excuse The Mess But We Live Here.

The Fact That My Grown Kids Like To Hang Out With Me, I Mean, It Just - I Don't Think It Really Can Get Any Better Than That, I Don't Think.

I'm A Comic, And I'm Supposed To Outrage And Make People Laugh, Part Of Makin' People Laugh Is To Shake Up Their Thinkin'. That's What I Came Here To Do.

It's The Night Of The Living Dead. It's Scary Out Here.

Night Of The Living Dead

I'm On The Mirror Diet. You Eat All Your Food In Front Of A Mirror In The Nude. It Works Pretty Good, Though Some Of The Fancier Restaurants Don't Go For It.

The Quickest Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Chest.

I Was Completely Nuts For Most Of My Life.

As Long As Your Abuser Has You Scared, You Will Stay In The Cycle Of Abuse. Thinking Of Solutions Helps You To Escape.

I Have Great Parents, And They Both Taught Me Great Things, But My Formative Years Were Boundaryless.

There Is No Scarier Chasm Of Darkness Than The Human Mind.

This Bugs Me The Worst. That's When The Husband Thinks That The Wife Knows Where Everything Is, Huh? Like They Think The Uterus Is A Tracking Device. He Comes In: "hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do We Have Any Cheetos Left?" Like He Can't Go Over And Lift Up The Sofa Cushion Himself.

I Say I'm The Only Serious Comedian In The Presidential Race. And I'd Like To Take This Opportunity To Ask Both Romney And Obama To Debate Me. Because I Think That Both Of Those Guys - I Think That The American People Are Being Given A False Choice, Because The Choice Between The Lesser Of Two Evils Is A False Choice.

I Always Felt That It Was Easier To Take A Funny Person And Teach Them To Write Television Than To Take Somebody Who Was A Television Writer And Make Them Funny.

I Always Was A Writer, But Then I Wanted To Do Stand-up Because I Thought That Was A Way That I Could Perform What I Wrote.

I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

Legalize Hemp And Allow Women To Grow It And Make Food, Clothing And Housing For Pennies From It And Legalize Marijuana Too. Let Women Integrate Their Divided Consciousness With A Natural Herb Instead Of Doctors' Pills That Kill The Liver.

Everything That`s Written About Me Has Such A Negative Taint. It Just Has A Life Of Its Own, Like An Avalanche, And I Don`t Think There`s Anything I Can Do To Stop It.

Truth Is Available To The Ears That Can Hear It.

A Lot Of People In Television Who've Had Successful Shows Claim The 'roseanne' Show As Their Starting Place, And I'm Really Proud Of That.

Being Hated And Hunted And Blamed For Your Own Suffering Makes People Kind Of Testy, Nervous, And On Edge, And Often Fundamentalist And Extreme. Bombs Get Thrown Only When People Cannot Honestly Talk Together.

One Of The First Things I Bought When I Made 'roseanne Show' Money Was A Farm In Iowa.

A Guy Is A Lump Like A Doughnut. So, First You Gotta Get Rid Of All The Stuff His Mom Did To Him. And Then You Gotta Get Rid Of All That Macho Crap That They Pick Up From Beer Commercials. And Then There's My Personal Favorite, The Male Ego.

The Day I Worry About Cleaning My House Is The Day Sears Comes Out With A Riding Vacuum Cleaner.

Funny Relationship

I Simply Care Nothing For Any Of Your Religions, As All Three Are Fundamentally Flawed, Unlike The Church Of Common Sense, Right From The Start! They Call God He Instead Of She And All Three Would Like To Burn Me At The Stake For Saying That!

I Think I'm Hysterical. I Watch Myself On Tape And Just Roar - Isn't That Weird?

Adults In A Free Country Should Be Able To Smoke A Joint If They Want To.

I've Never Done Anything For Money, And That Is Why I Got Money. When You Do Stuff For Money, You Never Get Money.

Eating Cookies That You Bake With Your Grandmother Is One Of The Greatest Social Steps One Must Experience In Order To Grow Up Into A Decent World Citizen, In My Opinion.

Diets Are A Temporary Solution To A Permanent Problem.

My Real Life Is Funnier Than Anything On Tv.

The End Of My Addiction To Fame Happened At The Exact Moment Roseanne Dropped Out Of The Top Ten, In The Seventh Of Our Nine Seasons. It Was Mysteriously Instantaneous!

Take This Marriage Thing Seriously - It Has To Last All The Way To The Divorce.

Any Hamas Or Zionist Type Who Tries To Interfere With The Labor Unions And Grab The Money Will Be Marched To The Guillotines And Subsequently Beheaded. And Isn't That Easier And More Productive Than Some Endless, Bloody Conflict? So Sayeth The Gospel Of Common Sense. Happy Mother's Day.

Eat As Much As You'd Like. My Philosophy Has Always Been That All Women Desire To Be As Fat As Myself But Just Have A Great Fear Of Doing So. Because They Think They Won't Get Any Men, But You Will. You'll Get More Men, And Better Men.

Whatever Helps You Sleep Is My Opinion On The Subject, And That's What I Like About The Western World's Most Popular Religion, It Has Helped Put So Many People To Sleep, Although Most Of Them Permanently And Without Their Approval.

Oh, Hi. I Been Married Thirteen Years, And Lemme Tell You, It's A Thrill To Be Out Of The House. I Never Get Out Of The House. I Stay Home All The Time. I Never Do Anything Fun 'cause I'm A Housewife. I Hate The Word "housewife." I Prefer To Be Called "domestic Goddess.

We Never Get Sick Of Each Other. That's How Sick We Are.

Love And Marriage

I Hate Every Human Being On Earth. I Feel That Everyone Is Beneath Me, And I Feel They Should All Worship Me. That's What I Told My Kids.

Being Nuts Is Its Own Reward.

I Loved Work And I Loved Pouring Myself Into The Work, You Know. It Was The Real Life That I Had Trouble With.

The Most Out-there Thing I’m Saying Is, ‘don’t Have Babies. Don’t Get Married And Have Kids. Have A Larger Life Than That.

I Will Barnstorm American Living Rooms. Mainstream Media Will Be Unable To Ignore Me, But More Importantly They Will Be Unable To Overlook The Needs Of Average Americans In The Run-up To The 2012 Election.

Anyone With A Show On T.v. Will Tell You It's Backbreaking Work. And If You Have A Big Personality, Which I Have, And You're A Perfectionist, There's Going To Be Head-butting.

You Know When You First Get Rich, And You, Like, Just Buy Everything That You See? I Did That For Several Years. And I Have Sheds Full Of Things, Maybe Sometimes Nine Copies Of The Same Thing.

In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

Facts And Data, Rather Than Opinion, Are The Two Cornerstones Of Problem Solving, And Yet They Are Consistently Withheld From The People By American Media. We Must Have Facts And Data In Order To Recognize Where There Is A Problem!

The One Who Cares The Most Wins. ... That's How I Knew I'd End Up With Everyone Else Waving The White Flags And Not Me. That's How I Knew I'd Be The Last Person Standing When It Was All Over. ... I Cared The Most.

My Best Friend Linda Is Leaving Her Husband Just Because He Is Unfaithful To Her. That Is No Reason To Leave The Person. I Feel Like After That, You Should Stay With Them And Make Sure That The Rest Of Their Life Is Sheer Hell.

My Dad Taught Me Swears When I Was A Toddler, And I Saw, At A Really Early Age, That If I Shocked People, I Would Get Approval, And It Made My Arms Itch With Glee. I Got Addicted To It. It Became This Source Of Power In A Totally Powerless Life.

My Husband Is Almost As Heavy As I Am. We Were Married In Adjoining Churches.

Illiteracy Is A Huge Problem In America. One In Three Adults In Our Country Is Illiterate.

As A Housewife, I Feel That If The Kids Are Still Alive When My Husband Gets Home From Work, Then Hey, I've Done My Job.

You Know What, When I Was Thin, I Thought There Was A Fat Girl Trying To Get Out Of Me.

Husbands Are Never Happy. My Husband Asked Me For More Space, So I Locked Him Out Of The House.

I Have More Money Than God, But Not As Much As Oprah.

I Never Do Anything Fun, Because I'm A Housewife. I Hate That Word 'housewife.' I Prefer To Be Called 'domestic Goddess.'

You Can Always Get Better. Nobody Can Stop You From Getting Better, And Nobody Can Stop You From Trying To Make Something Right.

There Isn't Any New Man. The New Man Is The Old Man, Only He Whines More.

I Always Had A Dissociative Disorder. But I Healed From It Over The Course Of 14 Years Of Big-time Therapy. But, You Know, I Mean, Everybody's Kind Of Loony Now. So I Was Kind Of A Pioneer In The Mental Illness Thing, Too.

Hillary Clinton And Barack Hussein Obama Cannot Win, And They Are Put In Place To Assure A Victory By Mitt Romney... This Is The Plan Of All The Insurance Companies That Are Owned By Mormon Interests. It Is Unfolding As The Mormon Church Planned Over The Last Fifty Years.

I Figure If The Kids Are Alive At The End Of The Day, I've Done My Job.

Judaism Is One Of The Last Of The World's Matrilineal Philosophies. Matriarchies Are Always The Cultures That Patriarchy Attacks And Decimates, Because They Don't Spend All Their Money On The Military Like Patriarchy Does. They Are Easy Prey.

You Must Never Be Afraid In New York City, Because Then You Will Call Bad Stuff To You And You Will Not Like It There.

Most Of The Books Call Her A He, But I Am Able To Ascertain What Is Meant, Despite That Semantic Error.

My Parents ... Had Decided Early On That All Of The Problems In My Family Had Somehow To Do With Me. All Roads Led To Roseyville, A Messy, Chaotic Town Where, As Parents, They Were Required To Visit, But Could Never Get Out Of Quick Enough Or Find A Decent Parking Place.

I Try To Do Women's-point-of-view Comedy. The Joke Is, 'this Is What I Think; There's The Truth.' I Try To Think Of Stuff That's Real Broad, But The More Personal It Is, The More Universal It Is. All My Friends Go Through The Same Stuff.

I Meditate So I Know How To Find A Peaceful Place Within To Be Calm And Peaceful.

Women Are Cursed, And Men Are The Proof.

Funny Relationship

The Only Options Open For Girls Then Were Of Course Mother, Secretary Or Teacher. At Least That's What We All Thought And Were Preparing Ourselves For. Now, I Must Say How Lucky We Are, As Women, To Live In An Age Where 'dental Hygienist' Has Been Added To The List.

I Call Myself A 'domestic Goddess.

Women Of This Planet Need Some Essential Resources: Wells, Seeds And Roads. That Is Primarily All We Have Ever Needed. Added To That, Women Need Righteous And Strong Men Who Will Help Us To Use Our Most Cherished Gifts: The Ability To Multitask And Problem Solve.

We're Not Meant To Be Parents When We're 50.

Everything On This Earth Right Now Is About Labor And Slavery. War Is The Only American Export Left That Anyone Wants To Buy.

Without Democracy In Our Homes, We Will Never Have It In The World.

I Actually Get More Conservative When I'm In Vegas.

I'm Not Upset About My Divorce. I'm Only Upset That I'm Not A Widow.

I Never Consciously Set Out To Talk About Taboos Or Anything Like That.

I Consider Myself To Be A Pretty Good Judge Of People... That's Why I Don't Like Any Of Them.

I Have A Fierce Eating Disorder That Has Survived Even Bariatric Surgery. I Got Even Fatter After That! Hey, Maybe Fat People Are Just Trying To Get Closer To Others, Did Anybody Ever That Of That?!

Eating Disorder

Self-esteem Is The Goddamn Root Of All Evil.

Both The Democratic And Republican Parties Are Bought And Paid For By Corporate America And Cater To The Needs Of The Highest Bidder As Opposed To The People They Claim To Represent. I Cannot Be Bought.

Tv Is A Language All Its Own, A Land Of One Dimensional Stereotypes That Destroys Culture, Not Adds To It. Tv Is Anti-art, A Reflection Of Consumerism That Serves The Power Structure. Tv Is About Demographics.

When I Was Little, That Was One Thing That I Was Told In A Vision: I Was Going To Have My Own Show When I Grew Up. And It's Going To Be Funny.

My Husband And I Didn't Sign A Pre-nuptial Agreement. We Signed A Mutual Suicide Pact.

When I Used To Watch Comedians With My Dad, He Laid It All Out For Me. He Wanted To Be A Comedian Himself, And He Was So Funny. We'd Watch Stand-up On Tv, And He'd Tell Me The Subtext Of What They Were Saying.

Somewhere Within The Concept Of Justice, The Worst Of The Guilty Must Always Be Removed. I Cannot Divorce This, Not Completely. The People Must Have Justice And So I Want To Reinstate And Enshrine The Blessed And Holy Guillotine!

The American People Are Sick And Tired Of This ‘lesser Evil’ Garbage They Get Fed Every Election Year. Both The Democrats And The Republicans Do The Same Evils Once They’re In Office...

I Like Facts And Data Because They Help Me Think Clearly, Beyond The Cultural Messages That I Ingest Unwittingly, And Sometimes Find Myself Regurgitating Almost Unconsciously.

I Got, Like, Diane Keaton's Manager, And She Was Very Connected; She Had Power. And She Was Like, "your Star Is In Tears On This Comedy. Do You Even Notice That At All?"

I Had One Kid With The Birth Control Pill, I Had One With The Diaphram And I Had One With The I.u.d. I Don't Even Know What Happened With My I.u.d. It Never Came Out. But I Have My Suspicions Because That Kid Picks Up Hbo.

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