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I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

-Roseanne Barr

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I Will Outlaw Bullshit.

Roseanne Barr

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I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

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Without Democracy In Our Homes, We Will Never Have It In The World.

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I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

You Know What, When I Was Thin, I Thought There Was A Fat Girl Trying To Get Out Of Me.

You Can Really Learn From Donahue. I Didn't Know You Could Be A Woman In A Man's Body. You Go Out And You Can't Parallel Park.

I Loved Work And I Loved Pouring Myself Into The Work, You Know. It Was The Real Life That I Had Trouble With.

Once You Get Away From Wanting To Get Paid, You Can Actually Say Some True Things.

The One Who Cares The Most Wins. ... That's How I Knew I'd End Up With Everyone Else Waving The White Flags And Not Me. That's How I Knew I'd Be The Last Person Standing When It Was All Over. ... I Cared The Most.

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Show Business.

Illiteracy Is A Huge Problem In America. One In Three Adults In Our Country Is Illiterate.

There's A Lot More To Being A Woman Than Being A Mother, But There's A Hell Of A Lot More To Being A Mother Than Most People Suspect.

Women Are Cursed, And Men Are The Proof.

Funny Relationship

Nobody Wanted The "roseanne" Show. I Heard From Agents That There Was No Interest In A Show About A Fat Woman And Her Family.

This Bugs Me The Worst. That's When The Husband Thinks That The Wife Knows Where Everything Is, Huh? Like They Think The Uterus Is A Tracking Device. He Comes In: "hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do We Have Any Cheetos Left?" Like He Can't Go Over And Lift Up The Sofa Cushion Himself.

Women Complain About Pms, But I Think Of It As The Only Time Of The Month When I Can Be Myself.

Somewhere Within The Concept Of Justice, The Worst Of The Guilty Must Always Be Removed. I Cannot Divorce This, Not Completely. The People Must Have Justice And So I Want To Reinstate And Enshrine The Blessed And Holy Guillotine!

A Lot Of Men Are Impotent And It's Very Sad. How Many Of You Are Impotent? I See. Can't Get Your Arms Up Either?

I'm Funnier Now Because I'm Braver And Less Full Of Hate, So Everything Is Even More Ridiculous Than It Was Before.

Comedy Is The Only Hope For Humanity.

As Long As Your Abuser Has You Scared, You Will Stay In The Cycle Of Abuse. Thinking Of Solutions Helps You To Escape.

Eating Cookies That You Bake With Your Grandmother Is One Of The Greatest Social Steps One Must Experience In Order To Grow Up Into A Decent World Citizen, In My Opinion.

We're Not Meant To Be Parents When We're 50.

I Can't Have Cats Around Me Because They Try To Steal My Energy.

Facts And Data, Rather Than Opinion, Are The Two Cornerstones Of Problem Solving, And Yet They Are Consistently Withheld From The People By American Media. We Must Have Facts And Data In Order To Recognize Where There Is A Problem!

To Expect Life To Treat You Good Is Foolish As Hoping A Bull Won't Hit You Because You Are A Vegetarian.

You Know, I'm Blessed. 'blessed' Is A Better Way Of Saying 'rich.'

The Thing Women Have Yet To Learn Is Nobody Gives You Power. You Just Take It.

I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

Legalize Hemp And Allow Women To Grow It And Make Food, Clothing And Housing For Pennies From It And Legalize Marijuana Too. Let Women Integrate Their Divided Consciousness With A Natural Herb Instead Of Doctors' Pills That Kill The Liver.

You Can Always Get Better. Nobody Can Stop You From Getting Better, And Nobody Can Stop You From Trying To Make Something Right.

We Had No Religion At All, But We Were Jews In New Hampshire, And My Sister - Who Is Now A Rabbi - Said It Best: We Were, Like, The Only Jews In Bedford, New Hampshire, As Well As The Only Democrats, So We Just Kind Of Associated Those Two Things Together. My Dad Raised Us To Believe That Paying Taxes Is An Honor.

Tv Family Sitcoms Have Always Been About Fathers Who Know Best And Mothers Who Are So Enchanted With Everything They Do. I Wanted To Be The First Mom To Be A Mom On Tv. I Wanted To Sent Out A Message About How Us Women Really Feel.

I Think That All Comics Or Humorists, Or Whatever We Are, Ask Questions. That's What We're Supposed To Do. But I Not Only Ask The Questions, I Offer Solutions.

I Say I'm The Only Serious Comedian In The Presidential Race. And I'd Like To Take This Opportunity To Ask Both Romney And Obama To Debate Me. Because I Think That Both Of Those Guys - I Think That The American People Are Being Given A False Choice, Because The Choice Between The Lesser Of Two Evils Is A False Choice.

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If You Spend All Your Time Worrying About Dying, Living Isn't Going To Be Much Fun.

Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Personal Opinions

I Know How To Do Anything, I'm A Mom.

As The Books Got More And More Zionist And Less And Less Socialist, My Entire Generation, At Least A Large Percentage Of It, Simply Left Judaism. We Became Buddhist And Hindu And Atheist Or Agnostic, All Of Which (except Christian) Were More In Keeping With Peaceful Self-transformative Ideas That Did Not Bow Down To Militarism.

I Used To Think That Communing With Nature Was A Healing, Positive Thing. Now, I Think I'd Like To Commune With Other Things - Like Room Service And Temperature Control.

Eat As Much As You'd Like. My Philosophy Has Always Been That All Women Desire To Be As Fat As Myself But Just Have A Great Fear Of Doing So. Because They Think They Won't Get Any Men, But You Will. You'll Get More Men, And Better Men.

Abortion Is A Woman's Right.

A Guy Is A Lump Like A Doughnut. So, First You Gotta Get Rid Of All The Stuff His Mom Did To Him. And Then You Gotta Get Rid Of All That Macho Crap That They Pick Up From Beer Commercials. And Then There's My Personal Favorite, The Male Ego.

I Have A Fierce Eating Disorder That Has Survived Even Bariatric Surgery. I Got Even Fatter After That! Hey, Maybe Fat People Are Just Trying To Get Closer To Others, Did Anybody Ever That Of That?!

Eating Disorder

You Know When You First Get Rich, And You, Like, Just Buy Everything That You See? I Did That For Several Years. And I Have Sheds Full Of Things, Maybe Sometimes Nine Copies Of The Same Thing.

I Think I Should Be Here Alone To Rethink The World, I Do. I Want These Lesser Humans Gone.

Patriarchy Is A Bully Notion, Which If You Will Notice Never Attacks A Nation That Can Defend Itself. Zionism Is Patriarchal And Sets Judaism On Its Head.

Patriarchal Society

Pot Enables You To Think Clearly Without Any Fear Or Any Limits. It's A Mind-expander, Which Is Part Of Why It's Illegal And Why Drugs Like Vicodin Are Legal.

My Real Life Is Funnier Than Anything On Tv.

I Actually Get More Conservative When I'm In Vegas.

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Shirley Hazzard

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