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I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

-Roseanne Barr

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I Actually Regard Facebook

Roseanne Barr

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I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

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It's Okay To Be Fat. So You're Fat. Just Be Fat And Shut Up About It.

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Meditation State Is A Place Of Deep Relaxation Where You Can Pinpoint The Things You Do And To Set A Paradigm Switch From Effect To Cause. So How To Be A Cause In Your Own Life.

I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

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Whatever Helps You Sleep Is My Opinion On The Subject, And That's What I Like About The Western World's Most Popular Religion, It Has Helped Put So Many People To Sleep, Although Most Of Them Permanently And Without Their Approval.

I Hate Alcoholics And Aa (alcoholics Anonymous). If You Can't Drink Responsibly, Don't Drink At All. Don't Go To Meetings, Whine About Your Character Flaws And Blame The Fact That You Are A Sociopath On Booze.

As Long As Your Abuser Has You Scared, You Will Stay In The Cycle Of Abuse. Thinking Of Solutions Helps You To Escape.

Being Hated And Hunted And Blamed For Your Own Suffering Makes People Kind Of Testy, Nervous, And On Edge, And Often Fundamentalist And Extreme. Bombs Get Thrown Only When People Cannot Honestly Talk Together.

The Thing Women Have Yet To Learn Is Nobody Gives You Power. You Just Take It.

I Will Barnstorm American Living Rooms. Mainstream Media Will Be Unable To Ignore Me, But More Importantly They Will Be Unable To Overlook The Needs Of Average Americans In The Run-up To The 2012 Election.

I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians. I'd Rather Go Straight To Hell, And Not Collect $200.

Comedy Is The Only Hope For Humanity.

I Used To Want To Be A Movie Star So I Wouldn't Have To Live In Trailers Anymore. And Now That I Make Movies, I Spend A Lot Of My Life Living In Trailers.

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I'm Either Mentally Ill Or Jewish. I Can't Sometimes Tell The Difference.

There's A Lot More To Being A Woman Than Being A Mother, But There's A Hell Of A Lot More To Being A Mother Than Most People Suspect.

Honestly, A Lot Of The Human Etiquette I Learned In Life I Learned From, Like, Thank-you Notes And Dating Jimmy Kimmel.

Nobody Wanted The "roseanne" Show. I Heard From Agents That There Was No Interest In A Show About A Fat Woman And Her Family.

You Can Really Learn From Donahue. I Didn't Know You Could Be A Woman In A Man's Body. You Go Out And You Can't Parallel Park.

I Have Five Kids From Three Marriages. I Come From A Trailer Park. My Sister And Brother Are Both Gay. I Have Multiple Personalities.

Tv Family Sitcoms Have Always Been About Fathers Who Know Best And Mothers Who Are So Enchanted With Everything They Do. I Wanted To Be The First Mom To Be A Mom On Tv. I Wanted To Sent Out A Message About How Us Women Really Feel.

Tv Is A Language All Its Own, A Land Of One Dimensional Stereotypes That Destroys Culture, Not Adds To It. Tv Is Anti-art, A Reflection Of Consumerism That Serves The Power Structure. Tv Is About Demographics.

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Why Have I Been Chosen To Deliver The Message Of Female Intelligence And Its Divinity To A Deaf World Of Males? I Have Asked My God That Question And She Answered, 'hey, Why Not You Roseanne?' Indeed, Why Not Each Of Us?

In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

I Had One Kid With The Birth Control Pill, I Had One With The Diaphram And I Had One With The I.u.d. I Don't Even Know What Happened With My I.u.d. It Never Came Out. But I Have My Suspicions Because That Kid Picks Up Hbo.

I Figure If The Kids Are Alive At The End Of The Day, I've Done My Job.

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I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

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I Used To Play Barbies With My Mormon Neighbor Friend; It Was Always, "oh, We're Going To Go On A Date. Ken's Taking Us Out, And We're Going With Ken On A Date." And I Was Like, "we're Parachuting Behind Enemy Lines To Save The Jews." That's How I Played Barbies. I Was Told When I Was A Girl That Every Jewish Woman Has To Have Five Children To Replace Three Fifths Of Our People That Were Killed. That's How I Was Raised.

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I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

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I Think I'm Hysterical. I Watch Myself On Tape And Just Roar - Isn't That Weird?

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Truth Is Available To The Ears That Can Hear It.

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I Want To Be The Girl In Indiana Jones. I Would Love To Do An Adventure Movie Where I Was Saving The World. It Might Be Cool If I Used A Lot Of Kitchen Tools To Fight Off The Enemy.

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Diets Are A Temporary Solution To A Permanent Problem.

Everything Here Must Be Done Twice As No One Can Do It Right The First Time.

Without Democracy In Our Homes, We Will Never Have It In The World.

I Always Was A Writer, But Then I Wanted To Do Stand-up Because I Thought That Was A Way That I Could Perform What I Wrote.

A Guy Is A Lump Like A Doughnut. So, First You Gotta Get Rid Of All The Stuff His Mom Did To Him. And Then You Gotta Get Rid Of All That Macho Crap That They Pick Up From Beer Commercials. And Then There's My Personal Favorite, The Male Ego.

Eating Cookies That You Bake With Your Grandmother Is One Of The Greatest Social Steps One Must Experience In Order To Grow Up Into A Decent World Citizen, In My Opinion.

Husbands Are Never Happy. My Husband Asked Me For More Space, So I Locked Him Out Of The House.

I Try To Tell People To Keep Having Hope. It's Always What You Don't Know And Don't Expect That's Gonna Be So Great.

A Lot Of People Who Are Actors And Artists Who Work In Hollywood Come From A Background Of Abuse, And You Can Make Abused People Very Fearful And They'll Do What They're Told. Hollywood Definitely Has A Point Of View That It Sells.

I Meditate So I Know How To Find A Peaceful Place Within To Be Calm And Peaceful.

Anyone With A Show On T.v. Will Tell You It's Backbreaking Work. And If You Have A Big Personality, Which I Have, And You're A Perfectionist, There's Going To Be Head-butting.

I Never Consciously Set Out To Talk About Taboos Or Anything Like That.

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I'm A Comic, And I'm Supposed To Outrage And Make People Laugh, Part Of Makin' People Laugh Is To Shake Up Their Thinkin'. That's What I Came Here To Do.

Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Personal Opinions

Patriarchy Is Impotent And Qualitatively Unable To Solve Even The Most Simple Problems In The Cosmos Such As Picking Up Their Own Socks Or Placing A Carton Of Milk Back In The Refrigerator After Drinking From It.

As The Books Got More And More Zionist And Less And Less Socialist, My Entire Generation, At Least A Large Percentage Of It, Simply Left Judaism. We Became Buddhist And Hindu And Atheist Or Agnostic, All Of Which (except Christian) Were More In Keeping With Peaceful Self-transformative Ideas That Did Not Bow Down To Militarism.

In Order To Be Able To Write A Good Joke, You Have To Find The Truth.

I Think I Should Be Here Alone To Rethink The World, I Do. I Want These Lesser Humans Gone.

I Say I'm The Only Serious Comedian In The Presidential Race. And I'd Like To Take This Opportunity To Ask Both Romney And Obama To Debate Me. Because I Think That Both Of Those Guys - I Think That The American People Are Being Given A False Choice, Because The Choice Between The Lesser Of Two Evils Is A False Choice.

I Didn't Know That Being In A Relationship Meant You Had To Be Nice. I Thought It Meant You Had To Hack Away At The Other Person Until They Were Beaten Down And Then Were Too Afraid To Leave.

A Lot Of People In Television Who've Had Successful Shows Claim The 'roseanne' Show As Their Starting Place, And I'm Really Proud Of That.

You Must Never Be Afraid In New York City, Because Then You Will Call Bad Stuff To You And You Will Not Like It There.

Oh, Hi. I Been Married Thirteen Years, And Lemme Tell You, It's A Thrill To Be Out Of The House. I Never Get Out Of The House. I Stay Home All The Time. I Never Do Anything Fun 'cause I'm A Housewife. I Hate The Word "housewife." I Prefer To Be Called "domestic Goddess.

I'm A Farmer Now, And It's Fantastic. My Goal Is To Be Totally Self-sufficient And Grow Everything That I Eat. There's Something About Earning Your Dinner That's Cool.

There Is No Scarier Chasm Of Darkness Than The Human Mind.

I Was Not Raised A Zionist, But A Socialist, As Were Most Jews Before The Holocaust.

I'm A Heterosexual. I Don't Know Why I'm Like This. I Was Just Born This Way.

As A Housewife, I Feel That If The Kids Are Still Alive When My Husband Gets Home From Work, Then Hey, I've Done My Job.

When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

I Had - After I Sang The 'star Spangled Banner' So Badly, After My Tragic Singing Accident, After That, You Know, All My Stuff Kind Of, Like, Really Got Even More Full Blown And, You Know, I Got Stage Fright And, You Know, I Couldn't Do Stand-up Anymore And Let Alone Sing And All The Other Things.

My Husband Says, 'god, Roseanne, I Can't Remember The Last Time We Had Sex.' Well, I Can, And That Is Why We Ain't Doing It.

We're Not Meant To Be Parents When We're 50.

Illiteracy Is A Huge Problem In America. One In Three Adults In Our Country Is Illiterate.

The Day I Worry About Cleaning My House Is The Day Sears Comes Out With A Riding Vacuum Cleaner.

Funny Relationship

I Have A Huge Crush On President George W. Bush. I Saw Him At A Recent Fundraiser, And He`s A Babe. He`s Got That Ronald Reagan Charm. I Think He`s Hot. I Respect His Wife, But If He Wasn`t Married I`d Be Putting On My Cowboy Boots And Coming Around.

I'm Funnier Now Because I'm Braver And Less Full Of Hate, So Everything Is Even More Ridiculous Than It Was Before.

Sometimes For Me Not Throwing A Tantrum Is What Running A Marathon Or Swimming The English Channel Must Be Like For Others Of A Less-challenging Emotional Nature.

Judaism Is One Of The Last Of The World's Matrilineal Philosophies. Matriarchies Are Always The Cultures That Patriarchy Attacks And Decimates, Because They Don't Spend All Their Money On The Military Like Patriarchy Does. They Are Easy Prey.

Impeach The President And The Vice President, They Are Traitors To America, And So Are All Of Their Supporters. Impeach! Anyone In Congress Who Refuses To Save Our Union From These Traitors By Doing Nothing Needs To Be Recalled.

I Believe In Equal Rights For All Citizens. One Law For All.

My Dad Taught Me Swears When I Was A Toddler, And I Saw, At A Really Early Age, That If I Shocked People, I Would Get Approval, And It Made My Arms Itch With Glee. I Got Addicted To It. It Became This Source Of Power In A Totally Powerless Life.

I Know How To Do Anything, I'm A Mom.

My Husband And I Didn't Sign A Pre-nuptial Agreement. We Signed A Mutual Suicide Pact.

Finding A Calm Place Inside Myself Through Meditation Kind Of Helped Me To Get Over A Lot Of Mental Illness ... It's Just Been A Really Great Thing In My Life.

I Have Horrible Stage Fright - You Know How You Go Through The Bi-polar Stage Fright Thing? Then You Go On Drugs To Get Over The Stage Fright And Perform, But Then You're Not Funny At All.

There Isn't Any New Man. The New Man Is The Old Man, Only He Whines More.

I Used To Think That Communing With Nature Was A Healing, Positive Thing. Now, I Think I'd Like To Commune With Other Things - Like Room Service And Temperature Control.

It's Not Really The Job Of A Public Servant To Inspire, But To Get The Job That The People Demand Done. The Democrats Think That If They Have Hope And Are Inspired, Things Will Get Better, But They Actually Won't.

I Always Had A Dissociative Disorder. But I Healed From It Over The Course Of 14 Years Of Big-time Therapy. But, You Know, I Mean, Everybody's Kind Of Loony Now. So I Was Kind Of A Pioneer In The Mental Illness Thing, Too.

Both The Democratic And Republican Parties Are Bought And Paid For By Corporate America And Cater To The Needs Of The Highest Bidder As Opposed To The People They Claim To Represent. I Cannot Be Bought.

The Only Options Open For Girls Then Were Of Course Mother, Secretary Or Teacher. At Least That's What We All Thought And Were Preparing Ourselves For. Now, I Must Say How Lucky We Are, As Women, To Live In An Age Where 'dental Hygienist' Has Been Added To The List.

Humanity Is A Failed Experiment, But I Think I'm God And I'd Like To Start Over. I Don't Want To Die, I Just Want Everyone Else To. I Certainly Would Not Be Lonely. It Would Be Exciting Never Having To Listen To Another Person Again But Just My Own Self Droning On And On. That's Why I Write A Blog. And I Read It, Too.

'winning' In Hollywood Means Not Just Power, Money, And Complimentary Smoked-salmon Pizza, But Also That Everyone Around You Fails Just As You Are Peaking.

My Husband Is Almost As Heavy As I Am. We Were Married In Adjoining Churches.

I Had Left Home (like All Jewish Girls) In Order To Eat Pork And Take Birth Control Pills. When I First Shared An Intimate Evening With My Husband, I Was Swept Away By The Passion (so Dormant Inside Myself) Of A Long And Tortured Existence. The Physical Cravings I Had Tried So Hard To Deny, Finally And Ultimately Sated ... But Enough About The Pork.

Everything That`s Written About Me Has Such A Negative Taint. It Just Has A Life Of Its Own, Like An Avalanche, And I Don`t Think There`s Anything I Can Do To Stop It.

I Have Great Parents, And They Both Taught Me Great Things, But My Formative Years Were Boundaryless.

Abortion Is A Woman's Right.

I Thank God For Creating Gay Men. Because If It Wasn't For Them, Us Fat Women Would Have No One To Dance With.

I Hate Every Human Being On Earth. I Feel That Everyone Is Beneath Me, And I Feel They Should All Worship Me. That's What I Told My Kids.

Women Are Cursed, And Men Are The Proof.

Funny Relationship

I Consider Myself To Be A Pretty Good Judge Of People... That's Why I Don't Like Any Of Them.

I Never Do Anything Fun, Because I'm A Housewife. I Hate That Word 'housewife.' I Prefer To Be Called 'domestic Goddess.'

My Children Love Me. I'm Like The Mother They Never Had.

I Hold To Nothing But Envisioning International Peace And Utopia. We All Have Many More Things In Common Than Not.

Adults In A Free Country Should Be Able To Smoke A Joint If They Want To.

Have You Heard About The Women Who Stabbed Her Husband 37 Times? I Admire Her Restraint.

I Like Facts And Data Because They Help Me Think Clearly, Beyond The Cultural Messages That I Ingest Unwittingly, And Sometimes Find Myself Regurgitating Almost Unconsciously.

If You Spend All Your Time Worrying About Dying, Living Isn't Going To Be Much Fun.

Men Read Maps Better Than Women Because Only Men Can Understand The Concept Of An Inch Equaling A Hundred Miles.

Pot Enables You To Think Clearly Without Any Fear Or Any Limits. It's A Mind-expander, Which Is Part Of Why It's Illegal And Why Drugs Like Vicodin Are Legal.

Patriarchy Is A Bully Notion, Which If You Will Notice Never Attacks A Nation That Can Defend Itself. Zionism Is Patriarchal And Sets Judaism On Its Head.

Patriarchal Society

Laugh Every Day As Much As You Can.

Two Things Do Me In: One's Chocolate Cake, The Other's Hypocrisy.

My Family Were Hitters. If You Made Them Laugh, They Didn't Hit You. My Dad Wouldn't Hit Me If I Got Him With Humor Right Between The Eyes.

Part Of My Platform Is, Of Course, The Guilty Must Be Punished And That We No Longer Let Our Children See Their Guilty Leaders Getting Away With Murder. Because It Teaches Children, You Know, That They Don’t Have To Have Any Morals As Long As They Have Guns And Are Bullies And I Don’t Think That's A Good Message. . . . I Do Say That I Am In Favor Of The Return Of The Guillotine And That Is For The Worst Of The Worst Of The Guilty.

You Can Always Get Better. Nobody Can Stop You From Getting Better, And Nobody Can Stop You From Trying To Make Something Right.

Everyone In America (according To My Generalizations) Is A Potential Millionaire Waiting For His Or Her Big Break. I Was Astonished Lately To Realize That Americans Are Definitely Believing In And Planning For The Future, Despite The Fact That They Elected Ronald Reagan Twice.

Us Needs To Fix Up It's Election System So That Votes Are Fairly Counted, And The Electoral College Is Removed.

I’m Not A Politician. I Think That Uniquely Qualifies Me To Become President Of The U.s.

When I Used To Watch Comedians With My Dad, He Laid It All Out For Me. He Wanted To Be A Comedian Himself, And He Was So Funny. We'd Watch Stand-up On Tv, And He'd Tell Me The Subtext Of What They Were Saying.

Being Nuts Is Its Own Reward.

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Show Business.

Your Body Is Your Instrument, You Play It Expertly.

After My 1985 Appearance On The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I Was Wooed By Producers In Hollywood, Who Told Me They Wanted To Turn My Act Into A Sitcom.

You May Marry The Man Of Your Dreams, Ladies, But Fourteen Years Later You're Married To A Couch That Burps.

Excuse The Mess But We Live Here.

I'm Just Into Spirituality. I Believe That In A Previous Life I Used To Be Shirley Maclaine.

Legalize Hemp And Allow Women To Grow It And Make Food, Clothing And Housing For Pennies From It And Legalize Marijuana Too. Let Women Integrate Their Divided Consciousness With A Natural Herb Instead Of Doctors' Pills That Kill The Liver.

A Good Man Doesn't Just Happen. They Have To Be Created By Us Women. A Guy Is A Lump Like This Doughnut.

Experts Say You Should Never Hit Your Children In Anger. When Is A Good Time? When You're Feeling Festive?

Funny Inspirational

Hollywood Is The Only Place On Earth That Has More Vampires, More Undead, More Resurrections Than A Month Of Easter Sundays.

I Actually Get More Conservative When I'm In Vegas.

Eat As Much As You'd Like. My Philosophy Has Always Been That All Women Desire To Be As Fat As Myself But Just Have A Great Fear Of Doing So. Because They Think They Won't Get Any Men, But You Will. You'll Get More Men, And Better Men.

My Real Life Is Funnier Than Anything On Tv.

I Am A Woman, Therefore I Am A Problem Solver.

Problem Solvers

I Want To Say That Nobody Accuses Their Parents Of Abusing Them Without Justification To Do That. I Didn't Just Make It Up. A Lot Of Things Were True And Abusive And Horrible Things That Happened To Me That My Father Did.

Half The World's Starving; The Other Half Is Trying To Lose Weight.

I First Would Allow The Guilty Bankers To Pay, You Know, The Ability To Pay Back Anything Over $100 Million [of] Personal Wealth Because I Believe In A Maximum Wage Of $100 Million. And If They Are Unable To Live On That Amount Of That Amount Then They Should, You Know, Go To The Reeducation Camps And If That Doesn't Help, Then Being Beheaded.

Acorn Is Organizing To Make Sure The Job Of Rebuilding New Orleans Is Done By The People Of New Orleans And Truly Benefits The Communities Who Have Been Hurt The Most.

The Basic Thing Is, People Want To Get Paid, So They'll Say The Things That Get Them Paid, In Entertainment Or Politics.

Self-esteem Is The Goddamn Root Of All Evil.

I Simply Care Nothing For Any Of Your Religions, As All Three Are Fundamentally Flawed, Unlike The Church Of Common Sense, Right From The Start! They Call God He Instead Of She And All Three Would Like To Burn Me At The Stake For Saying That!

A Lot Of Times Nerds Are Really Artists Listening To The Beat Of Another Drummer.

I Think That All Comics Or Humorists, Or Whatever We Are, Ask Questions. That's What We're Supposed To Do. But I Not Only Ask The Questions, I Offer Solutions.

I Quit Smoking. I Feel Better. I Smell Better. And It's Safer To Drink Out Of Old Beer Cans Laying Around The House.

I Loved Comedy All My Life. I Think It's A Real Powerful Art Form.

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William Greider

Edward R. Murrow

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