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I Always Had A Dissociative Disorder. But I Healed From It Over The Course Of 14 Years Of Big-time Therapy. But, You Know, I Mean, Everybody's Kind Of Loony Now. So I Was Kind Of A Pioneer In The Mental Illness Thing, Too.

-Roseanne Barr

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I Always Had A

Roseanne Barr

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I Always Had A Dissociative Disorder. But I Healed From It Over The Course Of 14 Years Of Big-time Therapy. But, You Know, I Mean, Everybody's Kind Of Loony Now. So I Was Kind Of A Pioneer In The Mental Illness Thing, Too.

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The Most Out-there Thing I’m Saying Is, ‘don’t Have Babies. Don’t Get Married And Have Kids. Have A Larger Life Than That.

As The Books Got More And More Zionist And Less And Less Socialist, My Entire Generation, At Least A Large Percentage Of It, Simply Left Judaism. We Became Buddhist And Hindu And Atheist Or Agnostic, All Of Which (except Christian) Were More In Keeping With Peaceful Self-transformative Ideas That Did Not Bow Down To Militarism.

I Had - After I Sang The 'star Spangled Banner' So Badly, After My Tragic Singing Accident, After That, You Know, All My Stuff Kind Of, Like, Really Got Even More Full Blown And, You Know, I Got Stage Fright And, You Know, I Couldn't Do Stand-up Anymore And Let Alone Sing And All The Other Things.

A Lot Of Men Are Impotent And It's Very Sad. How Many Of You Are Impotent? I See. Can't Get Your Arms Up Either?

I Used To Want To Be A Movie Star So I Wouldn't Have To Live In Trailers Anymore. And Now That I Make Movies, I Spend A Lot Of My Life Living In Trailers.

Eating Cookies That You Bake With Your Grandmother Is One Of The Greatest Social Steps One Must Experience In Order To Grow Up Into A Decent World Citizen, In My Opinion.

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I Was Completely Nuts For Most Of My Life.

You Know When You First Get Rich, And You, Like, Just Buy Everything That You See? I Did That For Several Years. And I Have Sheds Full Of Things, Maybe Sometimes Nine Copies Of The Same Thing.

Facts And Data, Rather Than Opinion, Are The Two Cornerstones Of Problem Solving, And Yet They Are Consistently Withheld From The People By American Media. We Must Have Facts And Data In Order To Recognize Where There Is A Problem!

I Figure If The Kids Are Alive At The End Of The Day, I've Done My Job.

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I Always Felt That It Was Easier To Take A Funny Person And Teach Them To Write Television Than To Take Somebody Who Was A Television Writer And Make Them Funny.

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I Want To Say That Nobody Accuses Their Parents Of Abusing Them Without Justification To Do That. I Didn't Just Make It Up. A Lot Of Things Were True And Abusive And Horrible Things That Happened To Me That My Father Did.

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I Avoided Reality For Most Of My Life. But Once You Deal With It, It's Kind Of Cool.

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I Don't Really Want To Hang Out With Politicians. I'd Rather Go Straight To Hell, And Not Collect $200.

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Patriarchy Is A Bully Notion, Which If You Will Notice Never Attacks A Nation That Can Defend Itself. Zionism Is Patriarchal And Sets Judaism On Its Head.

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I Think That All Comics Or Humorists, Or Whatever We Are, Ask Questions. That's What We're Supposed To Do. But I Not Only Ask The Questions, I Offer Solutions.

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I Am An Observant Jew! Now My Secret Is Out.

I Have A Huge Crush On President George W. Bush. I Saw Him At A Recent Fundraiser, And He`s A Babe. He`s Got That Ronald Reagan Charm. I Think He`s Hot. I Respect His Wife, But If He Wasn`t Married I`d Be Putting On My Cowboy Boots And Coming Around.

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I'm Never Going To Get Married Again. Three Strikes, You're Out. I Think If I Would Try To Get Married Again In California, I Have To Go To Prison, Don't I? I Think You Only Get Three.

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I Like It When Very Little Children Think For Themselves, Because They Do Not Have Access To Car Keys Or Credit Cards Or Crack Pipes, But They Have Some Really Funny Lines.

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A Good Man Doesn't Just Happen. They Have To Be Created By Us Women. A Guy Is A Lump Like This Doughnut.

I Consider Myself To Be A Pretty Good Judge Of People... That's Why I Don't Like Any Of Them.

I Signed A Deal With Satan Because I Wanted To Get Famous. Then I Forgot I Had A Deal With Satan And Then I Got Really Famous.

Humanity Is A Failed Experiment, But I Think I'm God And I'd Like To Start Over. I Don't Want To Die, I Just Want Everyone Else To. I Certainly Would Not Be Lonely. It Would Be Exciting Never Having To Listen To Another Person Again But Just My Own Self Droning On And On. That's Why I Write A Blog. And I Read It, Too.

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My Children Love Me. I'm Like The Mother They Never Had.

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I Want To Be The Girl In Indiana Jones. I Would Love To Do An Adventure Movie Where I Was Saving The World. It Might Be Cool If I Used A Lot Of Kitchen Tools To Fight Off The Enemy.

I Was Not Raised A Zionist, But A Socialist, As Were Most Jews Before The Holocaust.

You May Marry The Man Of Your Dreams, Ladies, But Fourteen Years Later You're Married To A Couch That Burps.

I Always Was A Writer, But Then I Wanted To Do Stand-up Because I Thought That Was A Way That I Could Perform What I Wrote.

There Isn't A Problem On This Earth That A Doughnut Cannot Make Better.

I Loved Comedy All My Life. I Think It's A Real Powerful Art Form.

I Hate Alcoholics And Aa (alcoholics Anonymous). If You Can't Drink Responsibly, Don't Drink At All. Don't Go To Meetings, Whine About Your Character Flaws And Blame The Fact That You Are A Sociopath On Booze.

A Lot Of Times Nerds Are Really Artists Listening To The Beat Of Another Drummer.

I Actually Regard Facebook As A Huge Bore, But I Cannot Refrain From Participating In It. I Guess I Crave The Feeling Of Hope It Gives Me To Think That Today Will Be Different From Yesterday, That I Will Find An Interesting Comment Or Poke Or Video, And On The Extremely Rare Occasion When That Happens, I Am Just Thrilled.

I'm On The Mirror Diet. You Eat All Your Food In Front Of A Mirror In The Nude. It Works Pretty Good, Though Some Of The Fancier Restaurants Don't Go For It.

As Long As Your Abuser Has You Scared, You Will Stay In The Cycle Of Abuse. Thinking Of Solutions Helps You To Escape.

Men Read Maps Better Than Women Because Only Men Can Understand The Concept Of An Inch Equaling A Hundred Miles.

Experts Say You Should Never Hit Your Children In Anger. When Is A Good Time? When You're Feeling Festive?

Funny Inspirational

I Have Great Parents, And They Both Taught Me Great Things, But My Formative Years Were Boundaryless.

Women Of This Planet Need Some Essential Resources: Wells, Seeds And Roads. That Is Primarily All We Have Ever Needed. Added To That, Women Need Righteous And Strong Men Who Will Help Us To Use Our Most Cherished Gifts: The Ability To Multitask And Problem Solve.

Illiteracy Is A Huge Problem In America. One In Three Adults In Our Country Is Illiterate.

The Day I Worry About Cleaning My House Is The Day Sears Comes Out With A Riding Vacuum Cleaner.

Funny Relationship

I Call Myself A 'domestic Goddess.

The End Of My Addiction To Fame Happened At The Exact Moment Roseanne Dropped Out Of The Top Ten, In The Seventh Of Our Nine Seasons. It Was Mysteriously Instantaneous!

There Isn't Any New Man. The New Man Is The Old Man, Only He Whines More.

As A Housewife, I Feel That If The Kids Are Still Alive When My Husband Gets Home From Work, Then Hey, I've Done My Job.

It's The Night Of The Living Dead. It's Scary Out Here.

Night Of The Living Dead

Being Hated And Hunted And Blamed For Your Own Suffering Makes People Kind Of Testy, Nervous, And On Edge, And Often Fundamentalist And Extreme. Bombs Get Thrown Only When People Cannot Honestly Talk Together.

It's A Big Culture Of Mind Control Too, Mk-ultra Mind Control Rules In Hollywood. If You Don't Know That, Google It And Look Into It. It's Really Hard For Artists To Find Their Voice In The Media. It's Levels Of Brainwashing And Mind Control.

In The New World Every Position Of Power Evacuated By An Arrested And Beheaded Pedophile Or Bankster Will Be Filled With A Grandmother Who Has Pledged To Create Heaven On Earth For All Children, Animal And Humans With The Stolen Money We Have Recovered.

I Say I'm The Only Serious Comedian In The Presidential Race. And I'd Like To Take This Opportunity To Ask Both Romney And Obama To Debate Me. Because I Think That Both Of Those Guys - I Think That The American People Are Being Given A False Choice, Because The Choice Between The Lesser Of Two Evils Is A False Choice.

I'm Enjoying My Life, Post-menopause, So Much. It's Just So Great To Grow Into Yourself, And Not Be Bothered With All That Tyranny Of Biology.

I'm A Comic, And I'm Supposed To Outrage And Make People Laugh, Part Of Makin' People Laugh Is To Shake Up Their Thinkin'. That's What I Came Here To Do.

Honestly, A Lot Of The Human Etiquette I Learned In Life I Learned From, Like, Thank-you Notes And Dating Jimmy Kimmel.

I Quit Smoking. I Feel Better. I Smell Better. And It's Safer To Drink Out Of Old Beer Cans Laying Around The House.

I Know That I Pay 48 Percent Of My Income To Taxes. You Know, I Wouldn't Mind So Much If It Wasn't Going Just To Export War. If It Was Actually Going To Help The People Of The United States, I Would Gladly Pay More.

Putting Measures Like Gay Marriage On Ballots For Elections Only Hurts The Gay Rights Cause And Elects More Conservative Politicians.

My Hope Is That Gays Will Be Running The World, Because Then There Would Be No War. Just A Greater Emphasis On Military Apparel.

My Kids Were Completely Out Of Control, While I Was Working Fifteen Hours A Day Plus Weekends. I Screamed A Lot, Something I'm Not Particularly Proud Of, But It Was That Or Firearms.

There's Nothing Like A Hardship Song To Set My Toes A-tappin.

I'm Not Going To Vacuum 'til Sears Makes One You Can Ride On.

Diets Are A Temporary Solution To A Permanent Problem.

To Say That I Have An Undisciplined Mind Would Not Be Incorrect Overall, But It's A Little Off The Mark Because I Have Great Discipline When I Write - But Only For About Ten Minutes.

Just Ten Of The Jewish Billionaires On This Earth Have More Than Enough To Transform The Occupied Territories Into Heaven. We Can Put The 'pal' Back In Palestinian.

I Remember Performing On A Punk Stage With No Mic In The Middle Of A Mosh Pit. My Act Was Called "how To Be A Domestic Goddess."

Once You Get Away From Wanting To Get Paid, You Can Actually Say Some True Things.

Everything On This Earth Right Now Is About Labor And Slavery. War Is The Only American Export Left That Anyone Wants To Buy.

Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Personal Opinions

Women Are Cursed, And Men Are The Proof.

Funny Relationship

I Always Had A Dissociative Disorder. But I Healed From It Over The Course Of 14 Years Of Big-time Therapy. But, You Know, I Mean, Everybody's Kind Of Loony Now. So I Was Kind Of A Pioneer In The Mental Illness Thing, Too.

I Hold To Nothing But Envisioning International Peace And Utopia. We All Have Many More Things In Common Than Not.

My Best Friend Linda Is Leaving Her Husband Just Because He Is Unfaithful To Her. That Is No Reason To Leave The Person. I Feel Like After That, You Should Stay With Them And Make Sure That The Rest Of Their Life Is Sheer Hell.

I Didn't Know That Being In A Relationship Meant You Had To Be Nice. I Thought It Meant You Had To Hack Away At The Other Person Until They Were Beaten Down And Then Were Too Afraid To Leave.

I Actually Get More Conservative When I'm In Vegas.

I Want To Eat, Cook, Meet Famous People And Make Fun Of Them.

I First Would Allow The Guilty Bankers To Pay, You Know, The Ability To Pay Back Anything Over $100 Million [of] Personal Wealth Because I Believe In A Maximum Wage Of $100 Million. And If They Are Unable To Live On That Amount Of That Amount Then They Should, You Know, Go To The Reeducation Camps And If That Doesn't Help, Then Being Beheaded.

When I Was Three, I Fell And I Got Bell's Palsy In My Face. My Mom Said The First Day She Called The Rabbi, And He Said A Prayer For Me But Nothing Happened. The Second Day She Called The Mormons, And They Said A Prayer For Me And My Face Was Healed, So My Whole Life Was Going Around As A Jew Who Was Giving Talks In Mormon Churches About Being Healed By The Mormons.

Patriarchy Is Impotent And Qualitatively Unable To Solve Even The Most Simple Problems In The Cosmos Such As Picking Up Their Own Socks Or Placing A Carton Of Milk Back In The Refrigerator After Drinking From It.

I Try To Do Women's-point-of-view Comedy. The Joke Is, 'this Is What I Think; There's The Truth.' I Try To Think Of Stuff That's Real Broad, But The More Personal It Is, The More Universal It Is. All My Friends Go Through The Same Stuff.

Judaism Is One Of The Last Of The World's Matrilineal Philosophies. Matriarchies Are Always The Cultures That Patriarchy Attacks And Decimates, Because They Don't Spend All Their Money On The Military Like Patriarchy Does. They Are Easy Prey.

If You Spend All Your Time Worrying About Dying, Living Isn't Going To Be Much Fun.

Ever Since I Was A Girl, I Have Written About One To Five Pages Every Day - On Napkins, On Scrap Paper, In Notebooks And Tablets, On The Walls In My Room As A Teenager, And In Orange Paint On The Cheap White Plastic Blinds In My Room.

I Simply Care Nothing For Any Of Your Religions, As All Three Are Fundamentally Flawed, Unlike The Church Of Common Sense, Right From The Start! They Call God He Instead Of She And All Three Would Like To Burn Me At The Stake For Saying That!

No Government In The Middle East Is Innocent. Wars Make The Stock Market Go Up, So No One In America Is Innocent Either, Nor Anyone Anywhere Where Capitalism Reigns.

I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

Without Democracy In Our Homes, We Will Never Have It In The World.

I Got, Like, Diane Keaton's Manager, And She Was Very Connected; She Had Power. And She Was Like, "your Star Is In Tears On This Comedy. Do You Even Notice That At All?"

I'm A Heterosexual. I Don't Know Why I'm Like This. I Was Just Born This Way.

I’m Not A Politician. I Think That Uniquely Qualifies Me To Become President Of The U.s.

It's Not Really The Job Of A Public Servant To Inspire, But To Get The Job That The People Demand Done. The Democrats Think That If They Have Hope And Are Inspired, Things Will Get Better, But They Actually Won't.

I'm Funnier Now Because I'm Braver And Less Full Of Hate, So Everything Is Even More Ridiculous Than It Was Before.

Whatever Helps You Sleep Is My Opinion On The Subject, And That's What I Like About The Western World's Most Popular Religion, It Has Helped Put So Many People To Sleep, Although Most Of Them Permanently And Without Their Approval.

Politics And Religion In The United States Work Like The Twin Grips Of A Pair Of Pliers On A Critical Mass Of The Masses.

Legalize Hemp And Allow Women To Grow It And Make Food, Clothing And Housing For Pennies From It And Legalize Marijuana Too. Let Women Integrate Their Divided Consciousness With A Natural Herb Instead Of Doctors' Pills That Kill The Liver.

Since I Had My Gastric Bypass Surgery In 1998, I Eat Like A Bird. Unfortunately, That Bird Is A California Condor.

As Prime Minister Of Israel, I Will Introduce A Bill Into The Knesset That Will Simply Pay The Arabs Not To Shoot At The Jews.

There's A Lot More To Being A Woman Than Being A Mother, But There's A Hell Of A Lot More To Being A Mother Than Most People Suspect.

Everything That`s Written About Me Has Such A Negative Taint. It Just Has A Life Of Its Own, Like An Avalanche, And I Don`t Think There`s Anything I Can Do To Stop It.

I Never Do Anything Fun, Because I'm A Housewife. I Hate That Word 'housewife.' I Prefer To Be Called 'domestic Goddess.'

The Only Options Open For Girls Then Were Of Course Mother, Secretary Or Teacher. At Least That's What We All Thought And Were Preparing Ourselves For. Now, I Must Say How Lucky We Are, As Women, To Live In An Age Where 'dental Hygienist' Has Been Added To The List.

Laugh Every Day As Much As You Can.

Abortion Is A Woman's Right.

I Had Left Home (like All Jewish Girls) In Order To Eat Pork And Take Birth Control Pills. When I First Shared An Intimate Evening With My Husband, I Was Swept Away By The Passion (so Dormant Inside Myself) Of A Long And Tortured Existence. The Physical Cravings I Had Tried So Hard To Deny, Finally And Ultimately Sated ... But Enough About The Pork.

I Was Raised On Government Cheese. As An Adult, In My First Marriage, My Husband And I Worked Real Hard Just To Go Bankrupt. I Happened To Write Some Jokes About It. I Did Real Well For Myself.

This Bugs Me The Worst. That's When The Husband Thinks That The Wife Knows Where Everything Is, Huh? Like They Think The Uterus Is A Tracking Device. He Comes In: "hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do We Have Any Cheetos Left?" Like He Can't Go Over And Lift Up The Sofa Cushion Himself.

One Of The First Things I Bought When I Made 'roseanne Show' Money Was A Farm In Iowa.

Acorn Is Organizing To Make Sure The Job Of Rebuilding New Orleans Is Done By The People Of New Orleans And Truly Benefits The Communities Who Have Been Hurt The Most.

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