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We Had No Religion At All, But We Were Jews In New Hampshire, And My Sister - Who Is Now A Rabbi - Said It Best: We Were, Like, The Only Jews In Bedford, New Hampshire, As Well As The Only Democrats, So We Just Kind Of Associated Those Two Things Together. My Dad Raised Us To Believe That Paying Taxes Is An Honor.

-Roseanne Barr

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We Had No Religion

Roseanne Barr

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We Had No Religion At All, But We Were Jews In New Hampshire, And My Sister - Who Is Now A Rabbi - Said It Best: We Were, Like, The Only Jews In Bedford, New Hampshire, As Well As The Only Democrats, So We Just Kind Of Associated Those Two Things Together. My Dad Raised Us To Believe That Paying Taxes Is An Honor.

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I Think I'm Hysterical. I Watch Myself On Tape And Just Roar - Isn't That Weird?

Anyone With A Show On T.v. Will Tell You It's Backbreaking Work. And If You Have A Big Personality, Which I Have, And You're A Perfectionist, There's Going To Be Head-butting.

Women Are Cursed, And Men Are The Proof.

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My Hope Is That Gays Will Be Running The World, Because Then There Would Be No War. Just A Greater Emphasis On Military Apparel.

Here Is My Personal Opinion About Prostitution. If Men Knew How To Do It, They Wouldn't Have To Pay For It.

Personal Opinions

My Daughter Made Me A Jerry Springer-watching Kit, With Crackers, Cheez Whiz, Polyester Stretch Pants And A T-shirt With Two Fat Women Fighting Over A Skinny Guy.

Tv Family Sitcoms Have Always Been About Fathers Who Know Best And Mothers Who Are So Enchanted With Everything They Do. I Wanted To Be The First Mom To Be A Mom On Tv. I Wanted To Sent Out A Message About How Us Women Really Feel.

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Show Business.

Most Of The Books Call Her A He, But I Am Able To Ascertain What Is Meant, Despite That Semantic Error.

Two Things Do Me In: One's Chocolate Cake, The Other's Hypocrisy.

To Expect Life To Treat You Good Is Foolish As Hoping A Bull Won't Hit You Because You Are A Vegetarian.

A Good Man Doesn't Just Happen. They Have To Be Created By Us Women. A Guy Is A Lump Like This Doughnut.

I Figure If The Kids Are Alive At The End Of The Day, I've Done My Job.

As Long As Your Abuser Has You Scared, You Will Stay In The Cycle Of Abuse. Thinking Of Solutions Helps You To Escape.

Whatever Helps You Sleep Is My Opinion On The Subject, And That's What I Like About The Western World's Most Popular Religion, It Has Helped Put So Many People To Sleep, Although Most Of Them Permanently And Without Their Approval.

Who's Elk Horn Do I Have To Blow In Order To Get Something To Eat Around Here?

Any Hamas Or Zionist Type Who Tries To Interfere With The Labor Unions And Grab The Money Will Be Marched To The Guillotines And Subsequently Beheaded. And Isn't That Easier And More Productive Than Some Endless, Bloody Conflict? So Sayeth The Gospel Of Common Sense. Happy Mother's Day.

I Am An Observant Jew! Now My Secret Is Out.

I Will Outlaw Bullshit. After The Passage Of This Law The Patriarchy Will Inevitably Start To Crumble As Will The Concept Of War Itself Which Is Largely A Large Load Of Bullshit.

Politics And Religion In The United States Work Like The Twin Grips Of A Pair Of Pliers On A Critical Mass Of The Masses.

As The Books Got More And More Zionist And Less And Less Socialist, My Entire Generation, At Least A Large Percentage Of It, Simply Left Judaism. We Became Buddhist And Hindu And Atheist Or Agnostic, All Of Which (except Christian) Were More In Keeping With Peaceful Self-transformative Ideas That Did Not Bow Down To Militarism.

There's Nothing Like A Hardship Song To Set My Toes A-tappin.

I've Never Done Anything For Money, And That Is Why I Got Money. When You Do Stuff For Money, You Never Get Money.

I'm A Farmer Now, And It's Fantastic. My Goal Is To Be Totally Self-sufficient And Grow Everything That I Eat. There's Something About Earning Your Dinner That's Cool.

I Got, Like, Diane Keaton's Manager, And She Was Very Connected; She Had Power. And She Was Like, "your Star Is In Tears On This Comedy. Do You Even Notice That At All?"

My Husband And I Didn't Sign A Pre-nuptial Agreement. We Signed A Mutual Suicide Pact.

Men Read Maps Better Than Women Because Only Men Can Understand The Concept Of An Inch Equaling A Hundred Miles.

You Can Always Get Better. Nobody Can Stop You From Getting Better, And Nobody Can Stop You From Trying To Make Something Right.

I Say I'm The Only Serious Comedian In The Presidential Race. And I'd Like To Take This Opportunity To Ask Both Romney And Obama To Debate Me. Because I Think That Both Of Those Guys - I Think That The American People Are Being Given A False Choice, Because The Choice Between The Lesser Of Two Evils Is A False Choice.

Women Should Try To Increase Their Size Rather Than Decrease It, Because I Believe The Bigger We Are, The More Space We'll Take Up, And The More We'll Have To Be Reckoned With.

Growing Up In A Jewish Matriarchal World Inside The Patriarchal Paradise Of Salt Lake City, Utah, Gave Me Increased Perspective On Gender Issues, As It Also Did My Gay Brother And My Lesbian Sister. Our Younger Sister Is The Perfect Jewish-american Wife And Mother, And Is Fiercely Proud Of That Fact.

I Always Felt That It Was Easier To Take A Funny Person And Teach Them To Write Television Than To Take Somebody Who Was A Television Writer And Make Them Funny.

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The Day I Worry About Cleaning My House Is The Day Sears Comes Out With A Riding Vacuum Cleaner.

Funny Relationship

You Know When You First Get Rich, And You, Like, Just Buy Everything That You See? I Did That For Several Years. And I Have Sheds Full Of Things, Maybe Sometimes Nine Copies Of The Same Thing.

You May Marry The Man Of Your Dreams, Ladies, But Fourteen Years Later You're Married To A Couch That Burps.

Being Nuts Is Its Own Reward.

Adults In A Free Country Should Be Able To Smoke A Joint If They Want To.

There's A Lot More To Being A Woman Than Being A Mother, But There's A Hell Of A Lot More To Being A Mother Than Most People Suspect.

Us Needs To Fix Up It's Election System So That Votes Are Fairly Counted, And The Electoral College Is Removed.

A Lot Of People Who Are Actors And Artists Who Work In Hollywood Come From A Background Of Abuse, And You Can Make Abused People Very Fearful And They'll Do What They're Told. Hollywood Definitely Has A Point Of View That It Sells.

I Hold To Nothing But Envisioning International Peace And Utopia. We All Have Many More Things In Common Than Not.

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Valerie Jarrett

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