Background Image

...

Once Or Twice A Week I Would Set My Alarm For Six A.m. So I Could Get Up And Plug In Hot Stix...i Would Study The Curls In The Mirror, Impressed With Both The Appliance And My Newfound Ability To Use It. Then, Without Fail, At The Last Second Before Leaving For School, I Would Ask Myself, "am I Supposed To Brush It Out Or Leave It?" Why Could I Never Remember" That Feeling Of "i'm Pretty Sure This Next Step Is Wrong, But I'm Just Gonna Do It Anyway" Is Part Of The Same Set Of Instincts That Makes Me Such A Great Cook.

-Tina Fey

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Once Or Twice A

Tina Fey

...

Once Or Twice A Week I Would Set My Alarm For Six A.m. So I Could Get Up And Plug In Hot Stix...i Would Study The Curls In The Mirror, Impressed With Both The Appliance And My Newfound Ability To Use It. Then, Without Fail, At The Last Second Before Leaving For School, I Would Ask Myself, "am I Supposed To Brush It Out Or Leave It?" Why Could I Never Remember" That Feeling Of "i'm Pretty Sure This Next Step Is Wrong, But I'm Just Gonna Do It Anyway" Is Part Of The Same Set Of Instincts That Makes Me Such A Great Cook.

Views: 5

Topic

More From Tina Fey

If You Want To Be A Screenwriter, Take An Acting Class To Get A Sense Of What You're Asking Actors To Do. Learning Other Skills Will Help You Communicate With People And Respect What They Do.

My Ability To Turn Good News Into Anxiety Is Rivaled Only By My Ability To Turn Anxiety Into Chin Acne.

[television] Is A Great Medium For Writers, Because There's Just No Time For A Studio To Interfere Very Long. You Write It, You Shoot It; It's On Tv.

To Me Yes, And Means Don't Be Afraid To Contribute. Always Make Sure You're Adding Something To The Discussion. Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.

I Was A Little Excited But Mostly Blorft. "blorft" Is An Adjective I Just Made Up That Means 'completely Overwhelmed But Proceeding As If Everything Is Fine And Reacting To The Stress With The Torpor Of A Possum.' I Have Been Blorft Every Day For The Past Seven Years.

You’re In Competition With Everyone.

The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.

I Don't Really Have A Nemesis, But I Have A Series Of Hundreds Of Small Enemies That Fuel Me. Everyone I Meet I Assume Is Out To Get Me And That Fuels My Fire On A Daily Basis.

For My First Show At 'snl', I Wrote A Bill Clinton Sketch, And During Our Read-through, It Wasn't Getting Any Laughs. This Weight Of Embarrassment Came Over Me, And I Felt Like I Was Sweating From My Spine Out. But I Realized, 'okay, That Happened, And I Did Not Die.' You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

It Is Less Dangerous To Draw A Cartoon Of Allah French-kissing Uncle Sam — Which, Let Me Make It Very Clear, I Have Not Done — Than It Is To Speak Honestly About [working Moms].

There Are A Couple Of Things I Want To Impart To Ladies Who Want To Be In Comedy: One, You Don’t Have To Be Weird Or Be Quirky To Get Your Job Done. And Two, Comedy Skill Is Not Sexually Transmittable. You Do Not Have To Sleep With A Comedian To Learn What You’re Doing. Male Comedians Will Not Like That Advice, But It Is The Truth.

In A Study, Scientists Report That Drinking Beer Can Be Good For The Liver. I'm Sorry, Did I Say 'scientists'? I Meant Irish People.

We Writers Dream Of A Future Where Actors Are Mostly Computer Generated And Their Performances Can Be Adjusted, By Us, On A Laptop, Alone.

We're Gonna Promote Freedom. Usher In Democratic Values And Ideals. And Fight Terror-loving Terrorists.

Read! When Your Baby Is Finally Down For The Night, Pick Up A Juicy Book Like Eat, Pray, Love Or Pride And Prejudice Or My Personal Favorite,understanding Sleep Disorders: Narcolepsy And Apnea; A Clinical Study. Taking Some Time To Read Each Night Really Taught Me How To Feign Narcolepsy When My Husband Asked Me What My "plan" Was For Taking Down The Christmas Tree.

I'm A Logic Monster, If Things Don't Make Sense I've Gotta Make Sense Of Them. I Enjoy Helping To Develop Material For Movies, It's A Way For Me To Get Into The Part.

If You Retain Nothing Else, Always Remember The Most Important Rule Of Beauty. “who Cares?”

When Hiring, Mix Harvard Nerds With Chicago Improvisers And Stir.

Just Say Yes And You'll Figure It Out Afterwards.

I'm Such A Fan Of Lily's [tomlin], For So Many Years. I Feel Like Lily Was The First Popular Mainstream Crossover Comedian Who Also Was Kind Of An Overtly Feminist Comedian.

In Washington, Officials From The National Rifle Association Met With A Group Of High School Students. There Were No Survivors.

Sometimes I'll Be Telling My Husband, 'i Think I'm Cracking Up'. Sometimes You Just Need A Minute To Say, 'i Think I'm Cracking' And Just Acknowledge It.

I Feel Like There Is A Lot Of Inherent Humor In The Stress And Insanity Surrounding That Process. People Lose Their Minds, Trying To Prove Their Parental Worth By Getting Their Children Into One Of Five Colleges; When There Are Thousands Of Good Colleges Across The United States - And Elsewhere.

If These Two Are Tired Of Having Sex With Each Other, What Hope Is There For The Rest Of Us?

If You Ever Start To Feel Good About Yourself... .... They Have This Thing Called The Internet.

I Hope For His Sake That Tracy's Apology Will Be Accepted As Sincere By His Gay And Lesbian Coworkers At 30 Rock, Without Whom Tracy Would Not Have Lines To Say, Clothes To Wear, Sets To Stand On, Scene Partners To Act With, Or A Printed-out Paycheck From Accounting To Put In His Pocket.

For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us, Unless You Believe In Evolution. Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing Is A Disaster.

Whatever The Problem - Be Part Of The Solution

In An Interview, Paris Hilton Said That Of Her And Her Sister, "people Love To Hate Us. But When You Know Us, You Love Us. And If You Really Get To Know Us, You Get Gonorrhea."

Once Or Twice A Week I Would Set My Alarm For Six A.m. So I Could Get Up And Plug In Hot Stix...i Would Study The Curls In The Mirror, Impressed With Both The Appliance And My Newfound Ability To Use It. Then, Without Fail, At The Last Second Before Leaving For School, I Would Ask Myself, "am I Supposed To Brush It Out Or Leave It?" Why Could I Never Remember" That Feeling Of "i'm Pretty Sure This Next Step Is Wrong, But I'm Just Gonna Do It Anyway" Is Part Of The Same Set Of Instincts That Makes Me Such A Great Cook.

Instead Of Trying To Fit An Impossible Ideal, I Took A Personal Inventory Of All My Healthy Body Parts For Which I Am Grateful: Straight Greek Eyebrows. They Start At The Hairline At My Temple And, Left Unchecked, Will Grow Straight Across My Face And Onto Yours.

When You Go Into Something Where You Can Really Trust That Everyone Has Thought About It, More Than You Have Even, Then That's Like A Gift.

I Want To Go To There.

President Bush Gave A Rousing Speech To The United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, In A Touching Show Of Support, Every Foreign Dignitary Shook Hands With The President And Smiled Warmly As He Mispronounced Their Names.

The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes. Everyone Else Is Struggling.

I Had To Get Back To Work... Nbc Has Me Under Contract; The Baby And I Only Have A Verbal Agreement.

Trying To Be A Leader In A Sort Of Very Atypical Workplace Like 'saturday Night Live' Forces You To Realize That No One Wants You To Be Their Leader. If You Can Help Them Get Their Thing On Tv Or Whatever, They Want That. But No Adult Is Looking For A Role Model.

A Willingness To Drop Your Ego And Let Yourself Look Foolish. You Almost Have To Enjoy Looking Vulnerable. You'd Be Surprised How Many People Don't Want To Do That.

Many Of The World's Greatest Discoveries Have Been By Accident. I Mean, Look At The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Or Botox.

(my Proudest Moment As A Child Was The Time I Beat My Uncle Pierre At Scrabble With The Seven-letter Word Farting.)

I Was Like, Oh, I Want To Sign Up For "catwoman," And Then Anne Hathaway Had Already Signed Up For It.

It Is An Impressively Arrogant Move To Conclude That Just Because You Don’t Like Something, It Is Empirically Not Good. I Don’t Like Chinese Food, But I Don’t Write Articles Trying To Prove It Doesn’t Exist.

Television Is A Runaway Train That You Have To Get On For Nine Months Of The Year. But At The Same Time, It Has A Wonderful Immediacy.

My Parents Are Very Well-behaved. If Anything, If My Mom Were Here Right Now, She Would Hug And Kiss Every One Of You Hello, And Then She Would Feed You.

I Got A Fan Letter On The Back Of A Prison Menu. And I Remember Thinking, 'well, They Get Pie. It's Not So Bad. They Get Pie On The Weekends.' I Want To Say Blueberry And Also A Boston Cream Pie. Not So Bad.

I Had To Face The Fact That I Had Been Using My Gay Friends As Props. They Were Always Supposed To Be Funny And Entertain Me And Praise Me And Listen To My Problems, And Their Life Was Supposed To Be A Secret That No One Wanted To Hear About. I Wanted Them To Stay In The “half Closet.

I Hire People That Are Good, And Aren't Crazy. Or Assholes. Because That Takes Up Too Much Time. There Are Just As Many Good People Who Are Not Crazy.

Steve Carell's Foxcatcher Look Took Two Hours To Put On, Including His Hairstyling And Make Up. Just For Comparison, It Took Me Three Hours Today To Prepare For My Role As "human Woman".

You All Have Got To Stop Calling Each Other Sluts And Whores. It Only Makes It Okay For Guys To Call You Sluts And Whores.

Most Of My Work Is Done Before We Start Shooting, Preparation Work, So My Normal Day Begins When I Start Writing, It Might Even Be The Night Before.

I Don't Like A Tremendous Amount Of Conflict. I Don't Think That Fighting And Passion Are The Same Thing.

Growing Up As A Girl Is Always Traumatizing, Especially When You Have The Deadly Combination Of Greasy Skin And Getting Your Boobs At Ten. But I Think It's Good To Grow Up That Way. It Builds Character.

I Think If You Ask Any Of Us Here, We All Dreamed Of Ending Up On Saturday Night Live. I Remember Thinking, 'i'll Just Keep Doing This As Long As I Can Get Away With It.'

I Think My Level Of Fame Will Drop Back Down. I Think It’ll Recede. In Fact, I Know It Will. That’s Life On Planet Earth. And I’m Okay With That. Besides Getting Tables At Restaurants And Special Treatment At The Airport, What Else Is There?

Some People Say, “never Let Them See You Cry.” I Say, If You’re So Mad You Could Just Cry, Then Cry. It Terrifies Everyone.

As An Improviser, I Always Find It Jarring When I Meet Someone In Real Life Whose First Answer Is No. “no, We Can’t Do That.” “no, That’s Not In The Budget.” “no, I Will Not Hold Your Hand For A Dollar.” What Kind Of Way Is That To Live?

My Mom Wanted Me To Apply To Princeton, Cause She Just I Guess Since I Was A Kid Had This Dream That I Would Apply To Princeton, And It Was Not Happening.

The Idea Of Being In Control For The Sake Of Control, Is Not Really Important To Me. If Everyone Is Sharp And Doing, You Know, What They're Doing Well, You Don't Really Need To Be In Control All The Time.

It Was Reported That Guy Ritchie Has Cast His Wife Madonna In A Small Walk-on Role In His New Movie, Revolver. Madonna Will Play The Part Of The Woman Who Ruins The Film.

Seriously, I've Just Realized That Almost Everyone Is A Fraud, So I Try Not To Feel Too Bad About It.

You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

You Must Not Look In That Mirror At Your Doughy Legs And Flat Feet, For Today Is About Dreams And Illusions, And Unfiltered Natural Daylight Is The Enemy Of Dreams.

At The Request Of The Catholic Church, A Three-day Sex Orgy To Be Held Near Rio De Janeiro Was Cancelled Last Friday. So Instead I Spent The Weekend Cleaning My Apartment.

This Worked Out Perfectly For Me In College, Because What Nineteen-year-old Virginia Boy Doesn't Want A Wide-hipped, Sarcastic Greek Girl With Short Hair That's Permed On Top? What's That You Say? None Of Them Want That? You Are Correct.

My Parents Raised Me That You Never Ask People About Their Reproductive Plans. “you Don’t Know Their Situation,” My Mom Would Say. I Considered It Such An Impolite Question That For Years I Didn’t Even Ask Myself. Thirty-five Turned Into Forty Faster Than Mcdonald’s Food Turns Into Cold Nonfood.

"i Can't Believe You Recently Had A Baby. How Do You Do It?" The Baby Starts To Come Down...and Once That Happens You Can't-it Comes Out. Whether You Let It Or Not, The Baby Comes Out. So That's How I Did It.

I Felt Like That Character In Flowers For Algernon. Not Charlie, The Lady Teacher From The College Who Realizes, 'i've Got To Stop Dry-humping This Mentally Challenged Guy!

You Don't Just Decide To Destroy A Person By Making Up Stuff, And No One At 'snl' Is Writing To Go After Someone.

[...] Things Most People Do Naturally Are Often Inexplicably Difficult For Me.

I Was The Editor Of The School Newspaper And In Drama Club And Choir, So I Was Not A Popular Girl In The Traditional Sense, But I Think I Was Known For Being Relatively Scathing.

You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

This Is What I Tell Young Women Who Ask Me For Career Advice. People Are Going To Try To Trick You. To Make You Feel That You Are In Competition With One Another. You're Up For A Promotion. If They Go For A Woman, It'll Be Between You And Barbara. Don't Be Fooled. You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

I Think The Philosophy Will Continue To Be What It Always Was; Which Was, Let's Keep Throwing A Bunch Of Things At The Wall, And See What Sticks.

In Most Cases Being A Good Boss Means Hiring Talented People And Then Getting Out Of Their Way.

Last Night The Taliban Offered To Release Eight Westerners If The U.s. Promised Not To Attack. The State Department Declined But Thanked The Taliban For The Offer, Saying It Really Felt Good To Laugh Again.

Photoshop Is Just Like Makeup. When It’s Done Well It Looks Great, And When It’s Overdone You Look Like A Crazy Asshole.

According To A New Study, Women In Satisfying Marriages Are Less Likely To Develop Cardiovascular Diseases Than Unmarried Women. So Don't Worry, Lonely Women, You'll Be Dead Soon.

Obviously, As An Adult I Realize This Girl-on-girl Sabotage Is The Third Worst Kind Of Female Behavior, Right Behind Saying "like" All The Time And Leaving Your Baby In A Dumpster.

I Want To Thank My Parents For Somehow Raising Me To Have Confidence That Is Disproportionate With My Looks And Abilities.

You Transition As A Mother From Literally Just Pulling A Booger Out Of That Person's Nose Whenever You See One Until At Some Point They Assert: "no, I'm A Person. You Can't Fix My Underpants On The Subway."

I Want Every Day To Be The Most Boring News Day Ever. I Want Every Day To Be About Spelling Bee Champions And Baby Basketball. It's Better To Have No Comedy Material Than A Horrific News Day.

Whitney Houston’s Cover Of “i Will Always Love You” Was Constantly On My Fm Walkman Radio Around That Time. I Think That Made Me Cry Because I Associated It With Absolutely No One.

I Was Wearing My Best Gap Turtleneck And My Dates Were Two Adult Lesbians, So Yea, I Was Pretty Cool.

Tracy: Stop Eating People's Old French Fries, Little Pigeon. Have Some Self-respect. Don't You Know You Can Fly?

You Go Through Big Chunks Of Time Where You're Just Thinking, 'this Is Impossible - Oh,this Is Impossible'. And Then You Just Keep Going And Keep Going, And You Sort Of Do The Impossible.

I Don't Like My Feet. I'm Not Crazy About Anybody's Feet. But I Have Flat Feet.

I Became Immersed In The Cult Of Improvisation. I Was Like One Of Those Athletes Trying To Get Into The Olympics. It Was All About Blind Focus. I Was So Sure That I Was Doing Exactly What I'd Been Put On This Earth To Do, And I Would Have Done Anything To Make It Onto That Stage.

30 Rock Is A Little Different From Other Current Sitcoms, In That It's Fast-paced, But The Pace Comes From The Actors, Not The Editing.

I Definitely Think Of Myself Still As A Writer First, And Feel Like - With The Lucky Exception Of This - Any Acting Opportunity I've Gotten Is Usually Because I Was Writing On It. This Is Like A Wonderful Vacation. If You've Ever Sat In A Writers' Room It's The Most Disgusting, Tortuous Place, So It's A Treat To Be Treated Like A Movie Actor.

Pentagon Records Show That At Least 8,000 Members Of The All-volunteer U.s. Army Have Deserted Since The Iraq War Began. Hey, At Least Somebody Has An Exit Strategy.

Gravity”: “it’s The Story Of How George Clooney Would Rather Float Away Into Space And Die Then Spend One More Minute With A Woman His Own Age.

This Week, Penny Collector Gene Sukie Went To The Bank And Cashed In Ten Thousand Pounds Of Pennies He Had Collected Over 34 Years, Which Were Worth Over Fourteen Thousand Dollars. And, Of Course, I Was In Line Behind Him.

Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable. For Sketch Writers, Remember They're Called Sketches For A Reason. They're Not Called Oil Paintings. Some Of Them Are Going To Stink. You Have To Let Them Stink.

When A Man Plays A Woman In A Dress, You're Halfway There. It's Inherently Funny. When A Woman Plays A Man, For Whatever Reason, It's Not That Instant Kind Of Funny.

So, My Unsolicited Advice To Women In The Workplace Is This. When Faced With Sexism, Or Ageism, Or Lookism, Or Even Really Aggressive Buddhism, Ask Yourself The Following Question: “is This Person In Between Me And What I Want To Do?” If The Answer Is No, Ignore It And Move On. Your Energy Is Better Used Doing Your Work And Outpacing People That Way. Then, When You’re In Charge, Don’t Hire The People Who Were Jerky To You.

Funny Motivational

At The Upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez And Marc Anthony Will Perform Together As The First Time, As Man And Wife. Hopefully Music.

Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue.

I’m Not A Mean Person, But I Have A Capacity For It. I Have The Biting Comment Formed Somewhere In The Back Of My Head — Like It’s In Captivity. Sometimes People Expect That I’m Going To Be Tough. It’s Not A Bad Situation. People Treat You Better. People Are On Time.

You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go.

Whenever You See Me, I'm On Antique Quaaludes.

Will Ferrell Is A Dangerous Man. If He Thinks You're In His Way In Show Business, He Will Crack Your Head Open. He's The Jeff Gillooly Of Comedy.

Life Is Improvisation. All Of Those [improv] Classes Were Like Church To Me. The Training Had Seeped Into Me And Changed Who I Am.

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

I Really Love Cursing A Lot. But As I Get Older, I Realize It's A Little Unseemly For Women Of A Certain Age.

The Supreme Court Is Expected To Rule This Week Whether Banning Cross Burning By Groups Like The Klu Klux Klan Violates The First Amendment. The Outcome Could Affect The Entertainment At Trent Lott's Christmas Party.

If You Are A Woman And You Bought This Book For Practical Tips On How To Make It In A Male-dominated Workplace, Here They Are. No Pigtails, No Tube Tops. Cry Sparingly. (some People Say “never Let Them See You Cry.” I Say, If You’re So Mad You Could Just Cry, Then Cry. It Terrifies Everyone.)

In Order To Feel Safer On His Private Jet, Actor John Travolta Has Purchased A Bomb-sniffing Dog. Unfortunately For The Actor, The Dog Came Six Movies Too Late.

Amy Poehler And I Have Been Friends For So Long, We're Like Oprah And Gale. Only We're Not Denying Anything.

I Think Women Dress For Other Women To Let Them Know What Their Deal Is. Because If Women Were Only Dressing For Men, There Would Be Nothing But Victoria's Secret. There Would Be No Dior.

We Should Leave People Alone About Their Weight. Being Skinny For A While (provided You Actually Eat Food And Don't Take Pills Or Smoke To Get There) Is A Perfectly Fine Pastime. Everyone Should Try It Once, Like A Super-short Haircut Or Dating A White Guy.

Don't Waste Your Energy Trying To Educate Or Change Opinions... Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

When Choosing Sexual Partners, Remember: Talent Is Not Sexually Transmittable.

It's Like Being A Little Kid Again, Parading Around In A Nightgown Tucked Into Your Underpants, Believing It Looks Terrific.

North Korea Referred To The Interview As Absolutely Intolerable And A Wanton Act Of Terror. Even More Amazing: Not The Worst Review The Movie Got.

It's Harder To Make Something Good When You Can't Curse All The Time.

Make Statements Also Applies To Us Women: Speak In Statements Instead Of Apologetic Questions. No One Wants To Go To A Doctor Who Says, “i’m Going To Be Your Surgeon? I’m Here To Talk To You About Your Procedure? I Was First In My Class At Johns Hopkins, So?” Make Statements, With Your Actions And Your Voice.

The More New Yorkers Like Something, The More Disgusted They Are. "the Kitchen Was All Sub-zero: I Want To Kill Myself. The Building Has A Playroom That Makes You Want To Break Your Own Jaw With A Golf Club. I Can't Take It.

I Have Two Daughters, And We Live Here In Manhattan, And Having Gone Through The Manhattan Kindergarten Application Process, Nothing Will Ever Rival The Stress Of That.

I'm A Big Fan Of 'the Office,' Both The British And The American Versions.

In Real Life, People In The Most Dire Situations Must Cope Through Humor.

I Don't Want To Be Somebody Else.

Wafah Dufour Bin Laden, Niece Of Osama Bin Laden Has Signed A Contract To Star In A Reality Show... Called Skating With The Nieces Of Terrorists.

You Can Be A Little Bit Darker And Rougher On The Stage, Partly Because When You're In The Theater, People Have Come To See You, And So They Kind Of Know What They're In For. In Television, You Are Sort Of Sneaking Into People's Homes. So, I Think You Can Be A Little Bit Darker On Stage.

Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

If You're An Actor And You Don't Get Cast In Stuff A Lot, Then Put Together A Show Or Hold Play-reading Nights At Your Apartment. Make Your Own Opportunities.

I Prefer The Retro Chic Of Spending Christmas Just Like Joseph And Mary Did - Traveling Arduously Back To The Place Of Your Birth To Be Counted, With No Guarantee Of A Bed When You Get There.

When I Started On 'saturday Night Live,' I Had The Choice Of Wearing Contact Lenses, Which I Had Never Worn Before, Or Glasses, In Order To Be Able To Read The Cue Cards.

I Have A Suspicion That The Definition Of "crazy" In Show Business Is A Woman Who Keeps Talking Even After No One Wants To F*** [sleep With Her] Anymore.

Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion, Just Thinking Foolishly That You Will Be Able To Do What You Want To Do

You Can Fix It As Soon As You Get Up - You Brush And Use Mouthwash - But There’s Something About Knowing You Woke Up With Hot-mothball Mouth That Makes You Feel Old. I Think God Designed Our Mouths To Die First To Help Us Slowly Transition To The Grave.

If You Want To Make An Audience Laugh, You Dress A Man Up Like An Old Lady And Push Her Down The Stairs. If You Want To Make Comedy Writers Laugh, You Push An Actual Old Lady Down The Stairs.

A Harvard Medical School Study Has Determined That Rectal Thermometers Are Still The Best Way To Tell A Baby's Temperature. Plus, It Really Teaches The Baby Who's Boss.

An Interim Government Was Set Up In Afghanistan. It Included Two Women, One Of Whom Was Minister Of Women's Affairs. Man, Who'd She Have To Show Here Ankles To To Get That Job?

That Turned-up Collar. The Jacket That Zipped All The Way Down The Front Into A Nice Fitted Shape. The White Denim That Made My Untanned Skin Look Like A Color.

No Other Formula Gives Your Baby A Better Start In Life Except That Stuff That Comes Out Of You For Free.

I Want To Spend Time With Oprah And I Don't Know What I Need To Do To Make That Happen.

It's Easy To Fall Into The Trap Of Just Cranking Out Things That Are Good Enough To Sell.

This Requires A Level Of Delusion/egomania Usually Reserved For Popes And Drag Queens

The Thing That Always Fascinated Me About Improv Is That It's Basically A Happy Accident That You Think You're Initiating.

Happy Accidents

I'm Not That Good Looking... Nobody Is That Good Looking. I Have Seen A Lot Of Movie Stars, And Maybe Four Are Amazing Looking. The Rest Have A Team Of Gay Guys Who Make It Happen.

In Response To The Escalating Violence In Iraq, President Bush Is Delaying The Return Home Of 25,000 Troops And Will Actually Add Reinforcements To The South. Then In A Symbolic Gesture He Pulled Down The Mission Accomplished Banner, Put On A Flight Suit, Walked Backwards To A Jet Fighter And Flew It In Reverse Off An Aircraft Carrier.

I Don't Enjoy Any Kind Of Danger Or Volatility. I Don't Have That Kind Of 'i Love The Bad Guys' Thing. No, No Thank You. I Like Nice People.

I Found The Recording Sessions Very Freeing Because You Can Really Try Things. When You're Filming Something, If You're Improvising A Film And You're Wasting Film And Wasting A Cameraman's Time.

Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable.

I Feel Like I Represent Normalcy In Some Way.

When Actors Are Too Good-looking, I Can’t Memorize Them. For Example, I Have Never Seen A Picture Of Sienna Miller Where I Didn’t Say, “that Girl’s Pretty. Who Is That?

I Do Like To Start On Time; I Like To Set The Bar High For People.

It's A Great Lesson About Not Being Too Precious About Your Writing. You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go. You Can't Be That Kid Standing At The Top Of The Waterslide, Overthinking It...you Have To Let People See What You Wrote.

Funny Motivational

Either Way, Everything Will Be Fine. But If You Have An Opinion, Please Feel Free To Offer It To Me Through The Gap In The Door Of A Public Restroom. Everyone Else Does.

Yeah, It's Tough Being Smart And Sexy, Too. I Have To Say, I'm Really Not That Attractive. Until I Met My Husband, I Could Not Get A Date. I Promise You It's True. My Husband Jeff Richmond Saw A Diamond In The Rough And Took Me In.

I Am Constantly Amazed By Tina Fey. And I Am Tina Fey.

I'm Not A Fan Of Purposely Farting In Front Of Other People. If You Have To Fart, Leave The Room.

Feminists Do The Best Photoshop Because They Leave The Meat On Your Bones. They Don’t Change Your Size Or Your Skin Color. They Leave In Your Disgusting Knuckles, But They May Take Out Some Armpit Stubble. Not Because They’re Denying Its Existence, But Because They Understand That It’s Okay To Make A Photo Look As If You Were Caught On Your Best Day In The Best Light.

When Humor Works, It Works Because It's Clarifying What People Already Feel. It Has To Come From Someplace Real.

One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.

Now If You're Not „hot”, You Are Expected To Work On It Until You Are. It's Like When You Renovate A House And You're Legally Required To Leave Just One Of The Original Walls Standing. If You Don't Have A Good Body You Have Down To A Neutral Shape, Then Bolt On Some Breast Implants, Replace Your Teeth, Dye You Hair, And Call Yourself The Playmate Of The Year. How Do We Survive This? How Do We Teach Our Daughters And Our Gay Sons That They Are Good Enough The Way They Are? We Have To Lead By Example.

I Feel About Photoshop The Way Some People Feel About Abortion. It Is Appalling And A Tragic Reflection On The Moral Decay Of Our Society…unless I Need It, In Which Case, Everybody Be Cool.

When I Turned 50, I Looked In The Mirror And I Thought: "hey, This Isn't The Dress Rehearsal, This Is Life And I Don't Know How Much Longer I'm Going To Have!"

If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine, No One Would Have Sex Tapes.

Ladies Gotta Say No To Their Husbands At The Movies. They Gotta Say: "no, We Are Watching Back-to-back Cancer Movies. And Then This Movie About A Cat."

...i Can't Possibly Take Time Off For A Second Baby, Unless I Do, In Which Case That Is Nobody's Business And I'll Never Regret It For A Moment Unless It Ruins My Life.

This Made No Sense To Me, Probably Because I Speak English And Have Never Had A Head Injury.

The Only Way I Could Get Comfortable Around People Was To Make Them Laugh.

I Would Not Trade Any Of These Features For Anybody Else’s. I Wouldn’t Trade The Small Thin-lipped Mouth That Makes Me Resemble My Nephew. I Wouldn’t Even Trade The Acne Scar On My Right Cheek, Because That Recurring Zit Spent More Time With Me In College Than Any Boy Ever Did.

It’s The Same Reason I Don’t Get Hooters. Why Do We Need To Enjoy Chicken Wings And Boobies At The Same Time? Yes, They Are A Natural And Beautiful Part Of The Human Experience. And So Are Boobies. But Why At The Same Time?

I Went To The University Of Virginia And I Came From, I Grew Up In Suburban Philadelphia.

In My Experience, The Hardest Thing About Having Someone "come Out" To You Is The "pretending To Be Surprised" Part.

I Like To Crack The Jokes Now And Again, But It's Only Because I Struggle With Math.

Twitter Seems Like A Busman's Holiday: Just More Writing. I Have No Plans To Do It. I'll Just Stick With My 24/7 Webcam. I'm Old-fashioned That Way.

Lesson Learned? When People Say, "you Really, Really Must" Do Something, It Means You Don't Really Have To. No One Ever Says, "you Really, Really Must Deliver The Baby During Labor." When It's True, It Doesn't Need To Be Said.

Then She Took Out A Speculum The Size Of A Milk Shake Machine. Even Michelle Duggar Would Have Flinched At This Thing, But I Had Never Seen One Before.

And Don't Think That By Eating Freedom Fries You Are Being Patriotic And Helping The War Effort. Use Less Gasoline, Read A Newspaper. You Know What, How About We Cool It With The Freedom Fries Anyway You Fat Asses. We're The Fattest Country In The World. Have You Ever Walked Around An American Mall? It's Nothing But Chick Fillets And Lane Bryant Track Suits Busting At The Seams.

It Was Scary To Be In That World Of Politics. I Felt Uncomfortable To Be In That Discussion. The Weird Thing Is, When Darrell Hammond Or Will Ferrell Or Dana Carvey Did An Impersonation Of A President, No One Assumed It Was Personal, But Because Sarah Palin And I Are Both Women And People Think Women Are Meaner To Each Other, Everyone Assumed It Was Personal.

I Like To Write About Women, Not So Much About The Way They Relate To Men, But About The Way They Relate To Each Other.

We Are A Society That Constantly Celebrates No One But Women And It Must Stop! I Want To Hear What The Men Of The World Have Been Up To. What Fun New Guns Have They Invented? What Are They Raping These Days? What’s Michael Bay’s Next Film Going To Be?

Quentin Tarantino Is Here, Star Of All My Sexual Nightmares.

I Had A Gentleman In College Tell Me, During A Date, That I Could Be Really Pretty If I Lost Some Weight. On A Date!

"30 Rock" Is Over, So I Definitely Aspire To Write Another Movie Again; Eventually, Will Try To Pitch Something For Television Again.

The Ladies Of Comedy Now Are Comfortable Dressing Up. It's Not Forbidden Anymore.

I Have No Affinity For Animals. I Don’t Hate Animals And I Would Never Hurt An Animal; I Just Don’t Actively Care About Them. When A Coworker Shows Me Cute Pictures Of Her Dog, I Struggle To Respond Correctly, Like An Autistic Person Who Has Been Taught To Recognize Human Emotions From Flash Cards. In Short, I Am The Worst.

And, You Know, Politics Aside, The Success Of Sarah Palin And Women Like Her Is Good For All Women - Except, Of Course - Those Who Will End Up, You Know, Like, Paying For Their Own Rape 'kit 'n' Stuff. But For Everybody Else, It's A Win-win. Unless You're A Gay Woman Who Wants To Marry Your Partner Of 20 Years - Whatever. But For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us. Unless You Believe In Evolution. You Know - Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing's A Disaster.

There Are No Mistakes Only Opportunities.

Your Characters Should Be As Smart As You Are, If Not Smarter.

The Upsides Of Acting In Things Is Mostly Getting Your Hair Done And Having People Give You Clothes. So As Long As You Can Have A Little Bit Of That In Your Life, Then It's Just As Delightful To Be Behind Camera.

[please Let My Daughter] Not Have To Wear High Heels.

A New Poll Showed That 66% Of Americans Think President Bush Is Doing A Poor Job Handling The War In Iraq And The Remaining 34% Think That Adam And Eve Rode Dinosaurs To Church.

The Washington State Supreme Court On Thursday Announced A Two-year Suspension For A Lawyer Found Having Jailhouse Sex With A Triple Murder Defendant She Was Representing. Haha! Jokes On You Dummies... I'm Not Really A Lawyer!

Boyhood Proves That There's Still Good Roles For Women Over 40, As Long As You Get Hired When You're Under 40.

Sometimes If You Have A Difficult Decisin To Make, Just Stall Until The Answer Presents Itself.

A Combustion Engine Of Ambition And Disappointment.

I Dreamed Of Being An Actress When I Was A Little Kid Because You Don't Know Then That The Writer Writes Everything The Actor Is Saying. But As I Got Older, I Got Into College And Became More Aware That Writing Is Another Option, And I Started Getting Into It, Too.

An Acting Teacher Once Told Me, 'greet Everything With Yes... Even If You Abandon One Idea For Another One, Saying Yes Allows You To Move Forward.'

Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue. In What Other Profession Would You Brag About Not Knowing Stuff? “i’m Not One Of Those Fancy Harvard Heart Surgeons. I’m Just An Unlicensed Plumber With A Dream And I’d Like To Cut Your Chest Open.” The Crowd Cheers.

I Have To Say, I'm Really Not That Attractive. Until I Met My Husband, I Could Not Get A Date.

Diamond In The Rough

I Keep My Eyes On The Sea, Waiting To Be Rocketed Into It On A Wave Of Fire. I'll Be Ready For It To Happen And That Way It Won't Happen. It's A Burden, Being Able To Control Situations With My Hyper-vigilance, But Its My Lot In Life.

If A Bout Of "creepy Face" Sets In, The Trick Is To Look Away From The Camera Between Shots And Turn Back Only When Necessary. This Also Limits How Much Of Your Soul The Camera Can Steal.

Ah, Babies! They’re More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts.

The New York Post Quoted Senator Hillary Clinton Saying That She Would Never Run For President, Declaring "that Is Not Something I'm Going To Be Doing. "which In Clinton Talk Means "i Will Be President In Three Years.

Trending Author

Winston Churchill

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

John Perry Barlow

Category