Background Image

...

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

-Tina Fey

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Some People Work With

Tina Fey

...

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

Views: 5

Topic

More From Tina Fey

I Keep My Eyes On The Sea, Waiting To Be Rocketed Into It On A Wave Of Fire. I'll Be Ready For It To Happen And That Way It Won't Happen. It's A Burden, Being Able To Control Situations With My Hyper-vigilance, But Its My Lot In Life.

Not Only Is My Wardrobe Totally Average, My Body's Totally Average. I Love All The Candy-fantasy Fulfillment Of Sex And The City.

It's Hard To Get Laughs When You're New.

When I Started On 'saturday Night Live,' I Had The Choice Of Wearing Contact Lenses, Which I Had Never Worn Before, Or Glasses, In Order To Be Able To Read The Cue Cards.

(my Proudest Moment As A Child Was The Time I Beat My Uncle Pierre At Scrabble With The Seven-letter Word Farting.)

The Ladies Of Comedy Now Are Comfortable Dressing Up. It's Not Forbidden Anymore.

George Clooney Married Amal Alamuddin This Year. Amal Is A Human Rights Lawyer Who Worked On The Enron Case, Was An Advisor To Kofi Annan Regarding Syria, And Was Selected For A Three-person Commission Investigating Rules Of War Violation In The Gaza Strip. So Tonight, Her Husband Is Getting A Lifetime Achievement Award.

If A Bout Of "creepy Face" Sets In, The Trick Is To Look Away From The Camera Between Shots And Turn Back Only When Necessary. This Also Limits How Much Of Your Soul The Camera Can Steal.

I Think Part Of Picking Where You Live In New York Is Accepting Who You Are. Really Looking At Yourself And Going, 'yeah, I'm Not Cool Enough For The West Village.'

Luxury Cruises Were Designed To Make Something Unbearable (a Two Week Transatlantic Crossing) Seem Bearable. There's No Need To Do It Now, There Are Planes. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Ride On A Stage Coach For Two Months But There's All-you-can-eat Shrimp. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Had An Old-timey Appendectomy Without Anesthesia While Steel Drums Play. You Might Take A Vacation While Riding On A Camel For Two Days If They Gave You Those Little Animal Towels Wearing Your Sunglasses.

Trying To Be A Leader In A Sort Of Very Atypical Workplace Like 'saturday Night Live' Forces You To Realize That No One Wants You To Be Their Leader. If You Can Help Them Get Their Thing On Tv Or Whatever, They Want That. But No Adult Is Looking For A Role Model.

I Think Women Dress For Other Women To Let Them Know What Their Deal Is. Because If Women Were Only Dressing For Men, There Would Be Nothing But Victoria's Secret. There Would Be No Dior.

Now Let Me Be Clear; Millions Of Women Around The World Nurse Their Children Beautifully For Years Without Giving Anybody Else A Hard Time About It. Teat Nazis Are A Solely Western Upper-middle-class Phenomenon Occurring When Highly Ambitious Women Experience Deprivation From Outside Modes Of Achievement.

In My Experience, The Hardest Thing About Having Someone "come Out" To You Is The "pretending To Be Surprised" Part.

According To A New Study, Women In Satisfying Marriages Are Less Likely To Develop Cardiovascular Diseases Than Unmarried Women. So Don't Worry, Lonely Women, You'll Be Dead Soon.

I Think The Philosophy Will Continue To Be What It Always Was; Which Was, Let's Keep Throwing A Bunch Of Things At The Wall, And See What Sticks.

I Don't Like My Feet. I'm Not Crazy About Anybody's Feet. But I Have Flat Feet.

I Like To Write About Women, Not So Much About The Way They Relate To Men, But About The Way They Relate To Each Other.

Anne Hathaway You Gave A Stunning Performance In "les Miserables." I Have Not Seen Someone So Totally Alone And Abandoned Like That Since You Were Onstage With James Franco At The Oscars.

The Same Ten Minutes That Magazines Urge Me To Use For Sit-ups And Triceps Dips, I Used For Sobbing.

Pentagon Records Show That At Least 8,000 Members Of The All-volunteer U.s. Army Have Deserted Since The Iraq War Began. Hey, At Least Somebody Has An Exit Strategy.

The Supreme Court Is Expected To Rule This Week Whether Banning Cross Burning By Groups Like The Klu Klux Klan Violates The First Amendment. The Outcome Could Affect The Entertainment At Trent Lott's Christmas Party.

The Washington State Supreme Court On Thursday Announced A Two-year Suspension For A Lawyer Found Having Jailhouse Sex With A Triple Murder Defendant She Was Representing. Haha! Jokes On You Dummies... I'm Not Really A Lawyer!

Many Of The World's Greatest Discoveries Have Been By Accident. I Mean, Look At The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Or Botox.

And, You Know, Politics Aside, The Success Of Sarah Palin And Women Like Her Is Good For All Women - Except, Of Course - Those Who Will End Up, You Know, Like, Paying For Their Own Rape 'kit 'n' Stuff. But For Everybody Else, It's A Win-win. Unless You're A Gay Woman Who Wants To Marry Your Partner Of 20 Years - Whatever. But For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us. Unless You Believe In Evolution. You Know - Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing's A Disaster.

If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine, No One Would Have Sex Tapes.

I Want To Spend Time With Oprah And I Don't Know What I Need To Do To Make That Happen.

I Was A Very Confident Little Kid.

I Want To Go To There.

It Is Less Dangerous To Draw A Cartoon Of Allah French-kissing Uncle Sam — Which, Let Me Make It Very Clear, I Have Not Done — Than It Is To Speak Honestly About [working Moms].

To Say I’m An Overrated Troll, When You Have Never Even Seen Me Guard A Bridge, Is Patently Unfair.

Now If You're Not „hot”, You Are Expected To Work On It Until You Are. It's Like When You Renovate A House And You're Legally Required To Leave Just One Of The Original Walls Standing. If You Don't Have A Good Body You Have Down To A Neutral Shape, Then Bolt On Some Breast Implants, Replace Your Teeth, Dye You Hair, And Call Yourself The Playmate Of The Year. How Do We Survive This? How Do We Teach Our Daughters And Our Gay Sons That They Are Good Enough The Way They Are? We Have To Lead By Example.

In Order To Feel Safer On His Private Jet, Actor John Travolta Has Purchased A Bomb-sniffing Dog. Unfortunately For The Actor, The Dog Came Six Movies Too Late.

Your Characters Should Be As Smart As You Are, If Not Smarter.

In Afghanistan This Week, Outnumbered Northern Alliance Rebels On Horseback Defeated Taliban Forces Armed With Tanks. Experts Say The Victory Is Just Like The Story Of David And Goliath And David's Friend, The Stealth Bomber.

The New York Post Quoted Senator Hillary Clinton Saying That She Would Never Run For President, Declaring "that Is Not Something I'm Going To Be Doing. "which In Clinton Talk Means "i Will Be President In Three Years.

Never Tell A Crazy Person He’s Crazy.

When Hiring, Mix Harvard Nerds With Chicago Improvisers And Stir.

This January, Kevin Costner Will Be Honored By The Palm Springs International Film Festival For His Contribution To Film. This Gives Costner Just Two Months To Make A Contribution To Film.

[please Let My Daughter] Not Have To Wear High Heels.

It Was Reported That The New York Knicks Have Won All 12 Of The Home Games Attended By Magician David Blaine. A Spokesman For The Knicks Said, 'if This Is What It Takes To Win, It's Not Worth It.'

The Only Way I Could Get Comfortable Around People Was To Make Them Laugh.

When You Go Into Something Where You Can Really Trust That Everyone Has Thought About It, More Than You Have Even, Then That's Like A Gift.

Whatever The Problem - Be Part Of The Solution

North Korea Threatened To Attack If Sony Pictures Released The Interview, Forcing Us All To Pretend That We Wanted To See It.

"admission" Is Paul Weitz's Movie. This Is Karen Croner - The Screenwriter's - Movie. To Have Such A Lovely Role In Such A Beautifully Written Script Offered To Me, It's Like Elves Made The Shoes.

Just Say Yes And You'll Figure It Out Afterwards.

Amy Poehler And I Have Been Friends For So Long, We're Like Oprah And Gale. Only We're Not Denying Anything.

Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable.

I Hope For His Sake That Tracy's Apology Will Be Accepted As Sincere By His Gay And Lesbian Coworkers At 30 Rock, Without Whom Tracy Would Not Have Lines To Say, Clothes To Wear, Sets To Stand On, Scene Partners To Act With, Or A Printed-out Paycheck From Accounting To Put In His Pocket.

And I Can See Russia From My House.

Saturday Night Live

I Was Wearing My Best Gap Turtleneck And My Dates Were Two Adult Lesbians, So Yea, I Was Pretty Cool.

Don’t Waste Your Energy Trying To Educate Or Change Opinions; Go Over, Under, Through, And Opinions Will Change Organically When You’re The Boss. Or They Won’t. Who Cares? Do Your Thing, And Don’t Care If They Like It.

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

I Want To Thank My Parents For Somehow Raising Me To Have Confidence That Is Disproportionate With My Looks And Abilities.

The Upsides Of Acting In Things Is Mostly Getting Your Hair Done And Having People Give You Clothes. So As Long As You Can Have A Little Bit Of That In Your Life, Then It's Just As Delightful To Be Behind Camera.

I Don't Really Have A Nemesis, But I Have A Series Of Hundreds Of Small Enemies That Fuel Me. Everyone I Meet I Assume Is Out To Get Me And That Fuels My Fire On A Daily Basis.

Al Gore Announced Tuesday That He Plans To Launch A 24-hour Cable News Network For Young Adults. Gore Claims He's Been Wanting To Do This Since He Invented Cable Tv In The 1990s.

I Do Like To Start On Time; I Like To Set The Bar High For People.

Lesson Learned? When People Say, "you Really, Really Must" Do Something, It Means You Don't Really Have To. No One Ever Says, "you Really, Really Must Deliver The Baby During Labor." When It's True, It Doesn't Need To Be Said.

A New Study Suggests That Middle-aged Adults Who Go On Periodic Drinking Binges May Face A Heightened Risk Of Dementia Later On In Life. The Study Is Entitled, 'national Strategy For Victory In Iraq.'

When I Turned 50, I Looked In The Mirror And I Thought: "hey, This Isn't The Dress Rehearsal, This Is Life And I Don't Know How Much Longer I'm Going To Have!"

For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us, Unless You Believe In Evolution. Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing Is A Disaster.

[television] Is A Great Medium For Writers, Because There's Just No Time For A Studio To Interfere Very Long. You Write It, You Shoot It; It's On Tv.

"i Can't Believe You Recently Had A Baby. How Do You Do It?" The Baby Starts To Come Down...and Once That Happens You Can't-it Comes Out. Whether You Let It Or Not, The Baby Comes Out. So That's How I Did It.

Tracy: Stop Eating People's Old French Fries, Little Pigeon. Have Some Self-respect. Don't You Know You Can Fly?

I Found The Recording Sessions Very Freeing Because You Can Really Try Things. When You're Filming Something, If You're Improvising A Film And You're Wasting Film And Wasting A Cameraman's Time.

When You Have A Set Of Characters, You Have To Fall In Love With Them And Care About Them As Each Individual Character.

Falling In Love

If You’re Looking For A Spiritual Allegory In The Style Of C.s. Lewis, I Guess You Could Piece Something Together With Lorne Michaels As A Symbol For God And My Struggles With Hair Removal As A Metaphor For Virtue

A Recent Study Announced That 52 Per Cent Of All Teens Who Sign Virginity Pledges Recant Them Within Twelve Months. If I'm On My Game.

If You're An Actor And You Don't Get Cast In Stuff A Lot, Then Put Together A Show Or Hold Play-reading Nights At Your Apartment. Make Your Own Opportunities.

Ladies Gotta Say No To Their Husbands At The Movies. They Gotta Say: "no, We Are Watching Back-to-back Cancer Movies. And Then This Movie About A Cat."

Feminists Do The Best Photoshop Because They Leave The Meat On Your Bones. They Don’t Change Your Size Or Your Skin Color. They Leave In Your Disgusting Knuckles, But They May Take Out Some Armpit Stubble. Not Because They’re Denying Its Existence, But Because They Understand That It’s Okay To Make A Photo Look As If You Were Caught On Your Best Day In The Best Light.

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

You Can Tell How Smart People Are By What They Laugh At.

Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion.

Thomas Jefferson—another Gorgeous White Boy Who Would Not Have Been Interested In Me. This Was My Problem In A Nutshell. To Get Some Play In Charlottesville, You Had To Be Either A Martha Jefferson Or A Sally Hemings.

‘how Do You Juggle It All?’ People Constantly Ask Me, With An Accusatory Look In Their Eyes. ‘you’re Screwing It All Up, Aren’t You?’ Their Eyes Say. My Standard Answer Is That I Have The Same Struggle As Any Working Parent But With The Good Fortune To Be Working At My Dream Job. Or Sometimes I Just Hand Them A Juicy Red Apple I’ve Poisoned In My Working-mother Witch Cauldron And Fly Away.

Boyhood Proves That There's Still Good Roles For Women Over 40, As Long As You Get Hired When You're Under 40.

I Have No Affinity For Animals. I Don’t Hate Animals And I Would Never Hurt An Animal; I Just Don’t Actively Care About Them. When A Coworker Shows Me Cute Pictures Of Her Dog, I Struggle To Respond Correctly, Like An Autistic Person Who Has Been Taught To Recognize Human Emotions From Flash Cards. In Short, I Am The Worst.

Let's Review The Cost-free Techniques That We've Learned So Far For Raising An Achievement-oriented, Obedient, Drug-free, Virgin Adult: Calamity, Praise, Local Theater, And Flat Feet. Another Key Element Is "strong Father Figure / Fear Thereof."

30 Rock Is A Little Different From Other Current Sitcoms, In That It's Fast-paced, But The Pace Comes From The Actors, Not The Editing.

What Turning Forty Means To Me I Need To Take My Pants Off As Soon As I Get Home. I Didn't Used To Have To Do That. But Now I Do.

Anyone Who Knows Me Will Tell You That I Am All About Money. I Mean, Just Look How Well My Line Of Zodiac-inspired Toe Rings And Homeopathic Children's Medications Are Selling On Home Shopping Network.

If You Want To Be A Screenwriter, Take An Acting Class To Get A Sense Of What You're Asking Actors To Do. Learning Other Skills Will Help You Communicate With People And Respect What They Do.

It Will Never Be Perfect, But Perfect Is Overrated. Perfect Is Boring On Live Tv.

There Are A Couple Of Things I Want To Impart To Ladies Who Want To Be In Comedy: One, You Don’t Have To Be Weird Or Be Quirky To Get Your Job Done. And Two, Comedy Skill Is Not Sexually Transmittable. You Do Not Have To Sleep With A Comedian To Learn What You’re Doing. Male Comedians Will Not Like That Advice, But It Is The Truth.

You Can’t Be That Kid Standing At The Top Of The Waterslide, Overthinking It. You Have To Go Down The Chute.

Funny Inspirational

Sometimes If You Have A Difficult Decisin To Make, Just Stall Until The Answer Presents Itself.

I Would Not Trade Any Of These Features For Anybody Else’s. I Wouldn’t Trade The Small Thin-lipped Mouth That Makes Me Resemble My Nephew. I Wouldn’t Even Trade The Acne Scar On My Right Cheek, Because That Recurring Zit Spent More Time With Me In College Than Any Boy Ever Did.

It Has Been Said That To Write Is To Live Forever. The Man Who Said That Is Dead.

I’ve Always Been Able To Tell A Lot About People By Whether They Ask Me About My Scar. Most People Never Ask, But If It Comes Up Naturally Somehow And I Offer Up The Story, They Are Quite Interested. Some People Are Just Dumb: 'did A Cat Scratch You?' God Bless. Those Sweet Dumdums I Never Mind. Sometimes It Is A Fun Sociology Litmus Test, Like When My Friend Ricky Asked Me, 'did They Ever Catch The Black Guy That Did That To You?' Hmmm. It Was Not A Black Guy, Ricky, And I Never Said It Was.

If You Ever Start To Feel Good About Yourself... .... They Have This Thing Called The Internet.

I Have A Suspicion That The Definition Of "crazy" In Show Business Is A Woman Who Keeps Talking Even After No One Wants To F*** [sleep With Her] Anymore.

I Think Someone Should Design Exercise Machines That Reward People With Sex At The End Of Their Workouts, Because People Will Perform Superhuman Feats For Even The Faint Hope Of That.

Every Day I Wrote In My Journal: "how Am I Going To Win Today?" So That When The Guys Are Talking About Water-boarding I'm Telling Them They Haven't Even Got The Right Towels.

I Have Two Daughters, And We Live Here In Manhattan, And Having Gone Through The Manhattan Kindergarten Application Process, Nothing Will Ever Rival The Stress Of That.

I Got A Fan Letter On The Back Of A Prison Menu. And I Remember Thinking, 'well, They Get Pie. It's Not So Bad. They Get Pie On The Weekends.' I Want To Say Blueberry And Also A Boston Cream Pie. Not So Bad.

It's A Great Lesson About Not Being Too Precious About Your Writing. You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go. You Can't Be That Kid Standing At The Top Of The Waterslide, Overthinking It...you Have To Let People See What You Wrote.

Funny Motivational

My Favorite Day At 30 Rock Is Thursday, When The Show Airs. At Lunch We Screen The Episodes. For Everyone To Watch Together, To See The Stuff We All Worked On, To Hear The Crew Laugh - It’s Great Fun.

The Barrier Between Tv And Movies Has Come Down And Film Actors Are Willing To Do Tv And Vice Versa, Because They Just Want To Follow What's Interesting.

I Was Ten. I Had Noticed Something Was Weird Earlier In The Day, But I Knew From Commercials That One's Menstrual Period Was A Blue Liquid That You Poured Like Laundry Detergent Onto Maxi Pads To Test Their Absorbency. This Wasn't Blue, So... I Ignored It For A Few Hours.

In Real Life These Women Experienced Different Sides Of The Same Sexism Coin. People Who Didn't Like Hillary Called Her A Ballbuster. People Who Didn't Like Sarah Called Her Caribou Barbie. People Attempted To Marginalize These Women Based On Their Gender.

Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable. For Sketch Writers, Remember They're Called Sketches For A Reason. They're Not Called Oil Paintings. Some Of Them Are Going To Stink. You Have To Let Them Stink.

Television Is A Runaway Train That You Have To Get On For Nine Months Of The Year. But At The Same Time, It Has A Wonderful Immediacy.

Why Are My Arms So Weak? It's Like I Did That Push-up Last Year For Nothing!

The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.

I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.

Only In Comedy, By The Way, Does An Obedient White Girl From The Suburbs Count As Diversity.

You Go Through Big Chunks Of Time Where You're Just Thinking, 'this Is Impossible - Oh,this Is Impossible'. And Then You Just Keep Going And Keep Going, And You Sort Of Do The Impossible.

I Became Immersed In The Cult Of Improvisation. I Was Like One Of Those Athletes Trying To Get Into The Olympics. It Was All About Blind Focus. I Was So Sure That I Was Doing Exactly What I'd Been Put On This Earth To Do, And I Would Have Done Anything To Make It Onto That Stage.

In A Study, Scientists Report That Drinking Beer Can Be Good For The Liver. I'm Sorry, Did I Say 'scientists'? I Meant Irish People.

I Was A Little Excited But Mostly Blorft. "blorft" Is An Adjective I Just Made Up That Means 'completely Overwhelmed But Proceeding As If Everything Is Fine And Reacting To The Stress With The Torpor Of A Possum.' I Have Been Blorft Every Day For The Past Seven Years.

Sleep When Your Baby Sleeps. Everyone Knows This Classic Tip, But I Say Why Stop There? Scream When Your Baby Screams. Take Benadryl When Your Baby Takes Benadryl. And Walk Around Pantless When Your Baby Walks Around Pantless.

There Should Be A New, More Honest Euphemism. Like, I'm Leaving Office Because I Plan To Solicit More Anonymous Sex In Bathrooms.

Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

I Still Want Oprah To Play My Best Friend. I Want To Spend Time With Oprah.

North Korea Referred To The Interview As Absolutely Intolerable And A Wanton Act Of Terror. Even More Amazing: Not The Worst Review The Movie Got.

Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

You All Have Got To Stop Calling Each Other Sluts And Whores. It Only Makes It Okay For Guys To Call You Sluts And Whores.

Whatever The Problem, Be Part Of The Solution. Don’t Just Sit Around Raising Questions And Pointing Out Obstacles.

In Real Life, People In The Most Dire Situations Must Cope Through Humor.

I Love To Play Strippers And To Imitate Them. I Love Using That Idea For Comedy, But The Idea Of Actually Going There? I Feel Like We All Need To Be Better Than That. That Industry Needs To Die, By All Of Us Being A Little Bit Better Than That.

I Learned Quickly That Trying To Force Country Folk To Love The Big City Is Like Telling Your Gay Cousin, "you Just Haven't Met The Right Girl Yet.

It Doesn't Matter If It's A School Play Or A Dumb Tv Show. It's Your Work. You Should Care About It So Much That People Get Annoyed With You.

I Prefer The Retro Chic Of Spending Christmas Just Like Joseph And Mary Did - Traveling Arduously Back To The Place Of Your Birth To Be Counted, With No Guarantee Of A Bed When You Get There.

Sometimes When You're Doing A Comedy, The Director Will Yell Out "alts" And Then The Director Gets The First Laugh.

A Combustion Engine Of Ambition And Disappointment.

I Wrote A One-act Play - I Can't Remember The Name Of It, But It Was Really About The Way Women Are Perceived As Leaders. In The Play, Catherine The Great Would Say Things Like, "you Know, John F. Kennedy Had Extramarital Affairs And No One Says Anything. But I Bang One Horse And Now I'm A Horse Banger For All Eternity? That's It? That's What I Am?"

You Must Not Look In That Mirror At Your Doughy Legs And Flat Feet, For Today Is About Dreams And Illusions, And Unfiltered Natural Daylight Is The Enemy Of Dreams.

Make Statements Also Applies To Us Women: Speak In Statements Instead Of Apologetic Questions. No One Wants To Go To A Doctor Who Says, “i’m Going To Be Your Surgeon? I’m Here To Talk To You About Your Procedure? I Was First In My Class At Johns Hopkins, So?” Make Statements, With Your Actions And Your Voice.

The Eyes Are The Window To Where The Soul Is Supposed To Be.

I Am Constantly Amazed By Tina Fey. And I Am Tina Fey.

We're Gonna Promote Freedom. Usher In Democratic Values And Ideals. And Fight Terror-loving Terrorists.

I Was Like, Oh, I Want To Sign Up For "catwoman," And Then Anne Hathaway Had Already Signed Up For It.

I Am Extremely Square And Obedient In Nature!

In Most Cases Being A Good Boss Means Hiring Talented People And Then Getting Out Of Their Way.

The First Time I Went To See A Second City Show, I Was In Awe Of Everything. I Just Wanted To Touch The Same Stage That Gilda Radner Had Walked On. It Was Sacred Ground.

It's Like Being A Little Kid Again, Parading Around In A Nightgown Tucked Into Your Underpants, Believing It Looks Terrific.

If You Want To Make An Audience Laugh, You Dress A Man Up Like An Old Lady And Push Her Down The Stairs. If You Want To Make Comedy Writers Laugh, You Push An Actual Old Lady Down The Stairs.

My Work Is My Work. I Take My Work Seriously But I Don't Take Myself Too Seriously.

I Feel Like I Represent Normalcy In Some Way.

...the Rule Of Agreement Reminds You To “respect What Your Partner Has Created” And To At Least Start From An Open-minded Place. Start With A Yes And See Where That Takes You.

My Mom Wanted Me To Apply To Princeton, Cause She Just I Guess Since I Was A Kid Had This Dream That I Would Apply To Princeton, And It Was Not Happening.

...i Can't Possibly Take Time Off For A Second Baby, Unless I Do, In Which Case That Is Nobody's Business And I'll Never Regret It For A Moment Unless It Ruins My Life.

Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue.

Once Or Twice A Week I Would Set My Alarm For Six A.m. So I Could Get Up And Plug In Hot Stix...i Would Study The Curls In The Mirror, Impressed With Both The Appliance And My Newfound Ability To Use It. Then, Without Fail, At The Last Second Before Leaving For School, I Would Ask Myself, "am I Supposed To Brush It Out Or Leave It?" Why Could I Never Remember" That Feeling Of "i'm Pretty Sure This Next Step Is Wrong, But I'm Just Gonna Do It Anyway" Is Part Of The Same Set Of Instincts That Makes Me Such A Great Cook.

There Was An Assumption That I Was Personally Attacking Sarah Palin By Impersonating Her On Tv. No One Ever Said It Was 'mean' When Chevy Chase Played Gerald Ford Falling Down All The Time. No One Ever Accused Dana Carvey Or Darrell Hammond Or Dan Aykroyd Of 'going Too Far' In Their Political Impressions. You See What I'm Getting At Here. I Am Not Mean And Mrs. Palin Is Not Fragile. To Imply Otherwise Is A Disservice To Us Both.

You Mostly Know That You Want To Be Funny, Know That You Have The Desire. It's Not Like People Who Grow Up Beautiful And Can Look In The Mirror And Be Like, I'm Beautiful! Funny Is More Of A Journey. And A Desperate Attempt.

When Actors Are Too Good-looking, I Can’t Memorize Them. For Example, I Have Never Seen A Picture Of Sienna Miller Where I Didn’t Say, “that Girl’s Pretty. Who Is That?

At The Request Of The Catholic Church, A Three-day Sex Orgy To Be Held Near Rio De Janeiro Was Cancelled Last Friday. So Instead I Spent The Weekend Cleaning My Apartment.

As An Improviser, I Always Find It Jarring When I Meet Someone In Real Life Whose First Answer Is No. “no, We Can’t Do That.” “no, That’s Not In The Budget.” “no, I Will Not Hold Your Hand For A Dollar.” What Kind Of Way Is That To Live?

This Week, Penny Collector Gene Sukie Went To The Bank And Cashed In Ten Thousand Pounds Of Pennies He Had Collected Over 34 Years, Which Were Worth Over Fourteen Thousand Dollars. And, Of Course, I Was In Line Behind Him.

Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion, Just Thinking Foolishly That You Will Be Able To Do What You Want To Do

In Into The Woods, Cinderella Runs From Her Prince, Rapunzel Is Thrown From A Tower For Her Prince, And Sleeping Beauty Just Thought She Was Getting Coffee With Bill Cosby.

Gay People Don’t Actually Try To Convert People. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses You’re Thinking Of.

Then She Took Out A Speculum The Size Of A Milk Shake Machine. Even Michelle Duggar Would Have Flinched At This Thing, But I Had Never Seen One Before.

Life Is Improvisation.

Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

There's A Drunk Midget In My House Ah, Babies! They're More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts. Like Most People Who Have Had One Baby, I Am An Expert On Everythiing And Will Tell You, Unsolicited, How To Raise Your Kid!

One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.

I Had My Hair In A Ponytail And Looked My Trademark Exhausted.

I Want Every Day To Be The Most Boring News Day Ever. I Want Every Day To Be About Spelling Bee Champions And Baby Basketball. It's Better To Have No Comedy Material Than A Horrific News Day.

That Turned-up Collar. The Jacket That Zipped All The Way Down The Front Into A Nice Fitted Shape. The White Denim That Made My Untanned Skin Look Like A Color.

If You Are Capable People Are Happy To Play With You.

For My First Show At 'snl', I Wrote A Bill Clinton Sketch, And During Our Read-through, It Wasn't Getting Any Laughs. This Weight Of Embarrassment Came Over Me, And I Felt Like I Was Sweating From My Spine Out. But I Realized, 'okay, That Happened, And I Did Not Die.' You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

When I Was Going To School In, Like, '84 To '88, You Didn't Have Cell Phones. There Was No E-mail, If You Can Wrap Your Brain Around That.

Quentin Tarantino Is Here, Star Of All My Sexual Nightmares.

I Dreamed Of Being An Actress When I Was A Little Kid Because You Don't Know Then That The Writer Writes Everything The Actor Is Saying. But As I Got Older, I Got Into College And Became More Aware That Writing Is Another Option, And I Started Getting Into It, Too.

The Idea Of Being In Control For The Sake Of Control, Is Not Really Important To Me. If Everyone Is Sharp And Doing, You Know, What They're Doing Well, You Don't Really Need To Be In Control All The Time.

...nothing Is Creepier Than A Bunch Of Adults Being Very Quiet.

We Should Leave People Alone About Their Weight. Being Skinny For A While (provided You Actually Eat Food And Don't Take Pills Or Smoke To Get There) Is A Perfectly Fine Pastime. Everyone Should Try It Once, Like A Super-short Haircut Or Dating A White Guy.

A Willingness To Drop Your Ego And Let Yourself Look Foolish. You Almost Have To Enjoy Looking Vulnerable. You'd Be Surprised How Many People Don't Want To Do That.

Every Morning, When Alaskans Wake Up, One Of The First Things They Do, Is Look Outside To See If There Are Any Russians Hanging Around. And If There Are, You Gotta Go Up To Them And Ask, 'what Are You Doing Here?' And If They Can't Give You A Good Reason, It's Our Responsibility To Say, You Know, 'shoo! Get Back Over There!'

I Felt Like That Character In Flowers For Algernon. Not Charlie, The Lady Teacher From The College Who Realizes, 'i've Got To Stop Dry-humping This Mentally Challenged Guy!

Every Kid Has Something They're Good At, That You Hope They Find And Gravitate Toward.

This Requires A Level Of Delusion/egomania Usually Reserved For Popes And Drag Queens

To Me Yes, And Means Don't Be Afraid To Contribute. Always Make Sure You're Adding Something To The Discussion. Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

When Humor Works, It Works Because It's Clarifying What People Already Feel. It Has To Come From Someplace Real.

Either Way, Everything Will Be Fine. But If You Have An Opinion, Please Feel Free To Offer It To Me Through The Gap In The Door Of A Public Restroom. Everyone Else Does.

At Some Point, You Realize That People Might Be Laughing At Your Jokes Because They're Afraid Not To Laugh.

I Think People Fetishize Glasses In General. You Could Put Glasses On A Rotting Pumpkin And People Would Think It Was Sexy.

I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.

I'm Such A Fan Of Lily's [tomlin], For So Many Years. I Feel Like Lily Was The First Popular Mainstream Crossover Comedian Who Also Was Kind Of An Overtly Feminist Comedian.

Am I Just Chasing It Because It's The Hardest Thing For Me To Get And I Want To Prove I Can Do It?

The Ideal Situation For A Parent Is One That No One Has - Having A Fulfilling Job That Requires You To Work Three Days A Week. It's Better For The Parents, Because They Get To Spend Time With The Children And Also Have A Source Of Pride And Achievement - And Income - Outside The Home.

I Don't Like A Tremendous Amount Of Conflict. I Don't Think That Fighting And Passion Are The Same Thing.

A Harvard Medical School Study Has Determined That Rectal Thermometers Are Still The Best Way To Tell A Baby's Temperature. Plus, It Really Teaches The Baby Who's Boss.

When I First Set Out To Ruin Snl, I Didn't Think Anyone Would Notice, But I Persevered Because - Like You Trying To Do A Nine-piece Jigsaw Puzzle - It Was A Labour Of Love.

Growing Up As A Girl Is Always Traumatizing, Especially When You Have The Deadly Combination Of Greasy Skin And Getting Your Boobs At Ten. But I Think It's Good To Grow Up That Way. It Builds Character.

Instead Of Trying To Fit An Impossible Ideal, I Took A Personal Inventory Of All My Healthy Body Parts For Which I Am Grateful: Straight Greek Eyebrows. They Start At The Hairline At My Temple And, Left Unchecked, Will Grow Straight Across My Face And Onto Yours.

An Acting Teacher Once Told Me, 'greet Everything With Yes... Even If You Abandon One Idea For Another One, Saying Yes Allows You To Move Forward.'

It's Harder To Make Something Good When You Can't Curse All The Time.

In An Interview, Paris Hilton Said That Of Her And Her Sister, "people Love To Hate Us. But When You Know Us, You Love Us. And If You Really Get To Know Us, You Get Gonorrhea."

If These Two Are Tired Of Having Sex With Each Other, What Hope Is There For The Rest Of Us?

Saudi Arabian Police Arrested Seven Teenage Boys For Leering At Women. In Accordance With Saudi Law, The Boys Will Be Whipped And The Women Will Be Stoned To Death.

Researches Reported That They Developed A Self-healing Plastic That Repairs Itself If Cracked. The Plastic Will Change The Way Airplanes Are Built And Medicine Is Practiced. In A Related Story, Joan Rivers Will Never Die.

If You Care About [the Characters] As If They Were Real, That Always Helps.

I'm Not A Fan Of Purposely Farting In Front Of Other People. If You Have To Fart, Leave The Room.

President Bush Gave A Rousing Speech To The United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, In A Touching Show Of Support, Every Foreign Dignitary Shook Hands With The President And Smiled Warmly As He Mispronounced Their Names.

Trending Author

Category