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The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.

-Tina Fey

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The Comedy For The

Tina Fey

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The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.

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I Wrote A One-act Play - I Can't Remember The Name Of It, But It Was Really About The Way Women Are Perceived As Leaders. In The Play, Catherine The Great Would Say Things Like, "you Know, John F. Kennedy Had Extramarital Affairs And No One Says Anything. But I Bang One Horse And Now I'm A Horse Banger For All Eternity? That's It? That's What I Am?"

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Seriously, I've Just Realized That Almost Everyone Is A Fraud, So I Try Not To Feel Too Bad About It.

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Acting Is Really About Showing Up That Day And Telling The Writers What You Feel Like Saying.

I Became Immersed In The Cult Of Improvisation. I Was Like One Of Those Athletes Trying To Get Into The Olympics. It Was All About Blind Focus. I Was So Sure That I Was Doing Exactly What I'd Been Put On This Earth To Do, And I Would Have Done Anything To Make It Onto That Stage.

Make Statements Also Applies To Us Women: Speak In Statements Instead Of Apologetic Questions. No One Wants To Go To A Doctor Who Says, “i’m Going To Be Your Surgeon? I’m Here To Talk To You About Your Procedure? I Was First In My Class At Johns Hopkins, So?” Make Statements, With Your Actions And Your Voice.

At Some Point, You Realize That People Might Be Laughing At Your Jokes Because They're Afraid Not To Laugh.

I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.

Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

I Got A Fan Letter On The Back Of A Prison Menu. And I Remember Thinking, 'well, They Get Pie. It's Not So Bad. They Get Pie On The Weekends.' I Want To Say Blueberry And Also A Boston Cream Pie. Not So Bad.

Anne Hathaway You Gave A Stunning Performance In "les Miserables." I Have Not Seen Someone So Totally Alone And Abandoned Like That Since You Were Onstage With James Franco At The Oscars.

Not Only Is My Wardrobe Totally Average, My Body's Totally Average. I Love All The Candy-fantasy Fulfillment Of Sex And The City.

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My Problem With The Traditional Acting Method Was That I Never Understood What You Were Supposed To Be Thinking About When You're Onstage.

If You Are Capable People Are Happy To Play With You.

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Now Let Me Be Clear; Millions Of Women Around The World Nurse Their Children Beautifully For Years Without Giving Anybody Else A Hard Time About It. Teat Nazis Are A Solely Western Upper-middle-class Phenomenon Occurring When Highly Ambitious Women Experience Deprivation From Outside Modes Of Achievement.

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I Have A Suspicion That The Definition Of "crazy" In Show Business Is A Woman Who Keeps Talking Even After No One Wants To F*** [sleep With Her] Anymore.

To Say I’m An Overrated Troll, When You Have Never Even Seen Me Guard A Bridge, Is Patently Unfair.

Sometimes If You Have A Difficult Decisin To Make, Just Stall Until The Answer Presents Itself.

I Think My Level Of Fame Will Drop Back Down. I Think It’ll Recede. In Fact, I Know It Will. That’s Life On Planet Earth. And I’m Okay With That. Besides Getting Tables At Restaurants And Special Treatment At The Airport, What Else Is There?

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When I Was Going To School In, Like, '84 To '88, You Didn't Have Cell Phones. There Was No E-mail, If You Can Wrap Your Brain Around That.

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There Are So Many Quiet Times You Spend As A Mother That Aren't Glorified But Are A Foundation For Your Kids. No Matter What, There Was Always A Thick Safety Net Under This Trapeze.

When Actors Are Too Good-looking, I Can’t Memorize Them. For Example, I Have Never Seen A Picture Of Sienna Miller Where I Didn’t Say, “that Girl’s Pretty. Who Is That?

Gravity”: “it’s The Story Of How George Clooney Would Rather Float Away Into Space And Die Then Spend One More Minute With A Woman His Own Age.

I Want To Thank My Parents For Somehow Raising Me To Have Confidence That Is Disproportionate With My Looks And Abilities.

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Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion.

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I Dreamed Of Being An Actress When I Was A Little Kid Because You Don't Know Then That The Writer Writes Everything The Actor Is Saying. But As I Got Older, I Got Into College And Became More Aware That Writing Is Another Option, And I Started Getting Into It, Too.

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There Are No Mistakes Only Opportunities.

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It Doesn't Matter If It's A School Play Or A Dumb Tv Show. It's Your Work. You Should Care About It So Much That People Get Annoyed With You.

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There Should Be A New, More Honest Euphemism. Like, I'm Leaving Office Because I Plan To Solicit More Anonymous Sex In Bathrooms.

I Feel Like I Represent Normalcy In Some Way.

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I Was Wearing My Best Gap Turtleneck And My Dates Were Two Adult Lesbians, So Yea, I Was Pretty Cool.

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I'm Still Technically Employed By The National Broadcasting Company.

I Don't Want To Be Somebody Else.

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The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.

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You’re In Competition With Everyone.

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There Was An Assumption That I Was Personally Attacking Sarah Palin By Impersonating Her On Tv. No One Ever Said It Was 'mean' When Chevy Chase Played Gerald Ford Falling Down All The Time. No One Ever Accused Dana Carvey Or Darrell Hammond Or Dan Aykroyd Of 'going Too Far' In Their Political Impressions. You See What I'm Getting At Here. I Am Not Mean And Mrs. Palin Is Not Fragile. To Imply Otherwise Is A Disservice To Us Both.

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If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine, No One Would Have Sex Tapes.

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You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

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You Know Who Does Have A Funny Bone In Her Body? Your Mom Every Night For A Dollar.

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Whenever You See Me, I'm On Antique Quaaludes.

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Whatever The Problem, Be Part Of The Solution. Don’t Just Sit Around Raising Questions And Pointing Out Obstacles.

North Korea Referred To The Interview As Absolutely Intolerable And A Wanton Act Of Terror. Even More Amazing: Not The Worst Review The Movie Got.

I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.

Boyhood Proves That There's Still Good Roles For Women Over 40, As Long As You Get Hired When You're Under 40.

Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue. In What Other Profession Would You Brag About Not Knowing Stuff? “i’m Not One Of Those Fancy Harvard Heart Surgeons. I’m Just An Unlicensed Plumber With A Dream And I’d Like To Cut Your Chest Open.” The Crowd Cheers.

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North Korea Threatened To Attack If Sony Pictures Released The Interview, Forcing Us All To Pretend That We Wanted To See It.

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Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

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I Like To Write About Women, Not So Much About The Way They Relate To Men, But About The Way They Relate To Each Other.

If A Bout Of "creepy Face" Sets In, The Trick Is To Look Away From The Camera Between Shots And Turn Back Only When Necessary. This Also Limits How Much Of Your Soul The Camera Can Steal.

In Washington, Officials From The National Rifle Association Met With A Group Of High School Students. There Were No Survivors.

Life Is Improvisation. All Of Those [improv] Classes Were Like Church To Me. The Training Had Seeped Into Me And Changed Who I Am.

What Turning Forty Means To Me I Need To Take My Pants Off As Soon As I Get Home. I Didn't Used To Have To Do That. But Now I Do.

I Don't Enjoy Any Kind Of Danger Or Volatility. I Don't Have That Kind Of 'i Love The Bad Guys' Thing. No, No Thank You. I Like Nice People.

I Have To Say, I'm Really Not That Attractive. Until I Met My Husband, I Could Not Get A Date.

Diamond In The Rough

Either Way, Everything Will Be Fine. But If You Have An Opinion, Please Feel Free To Offer It To Me Through The Gap In The Door Of A Public Restroom. Everyone Else Does.

I Think The Philosophy Will Continue To Be What It Always Was; Which Was, Let's Keep Throwing A Bunch Of Things At The Wall, And See What Sticks.

In Into The Woods, Cinderella Runs From Her Prince, Rapunzel Is Thrown From A Tower For Her Prince, And Sleeping Beauty Just Thought She Was Getting Coffee With Bill Cosby.

When You Have A Set Of Characters, You Have To Fall In Love With Them And Care About Them As Each Individual Character.

Falling In Love

If You Care About [the Characters] As If They Were Real, That Always Helps.

A Combustion Engine Of Ambition And Disappointment.

In Most Cases Being A Good Boss Means Hiring Talented People And Then Getting Out Of Their Way.

We Are A Society That Constantly Celebrates No One But Women And It Must Stop! I Want To Hear What The Men Of The World Have Been Up To. What Fun New Guns Have They Invented? What Are They Raping These Days? What’s Michael Bay’s Next Film Going To Be?

"i Can't Believe You Recently Had A Baby. How Do You Do It?" The Baby Starts To Come Down...and Once That Happens You Can't-it Comes Out. Whether You Let It Or Not, The Baby Comes Out. So That's How I Did It.

Lesson Learned? When People Say, "you Really, Really Must" Do Something, It Means You Don't Really Have To. No One Ever Says, "you Really, Really Must Deliver The Baby During Labor." When It's True, It Doesn't Need To Be Said.

(my Proudest Moment As A Child Was The Time I Beat My Uncle Pierre At Scrabble With The Seven-letter Word Farting.)

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A Wise Friend Once Told Me, 'don't Wear What Fashion Designers Tell You To Wear. Wear What They Wear.'

Twitter Seems Like A Busman's Holiday: Just More Writing. I Have No Plans To Do It. I'll Just Stick With My 24/7 Webcam. I'm Old-fashioned That Way.

The Only Way I Could Get Comfortable Around People Was To Make Them Laugh.

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When You Go Into Something Where You Can Really Trust That Everyone Has Thought About It, More Than You Have Even, Then That's Like A Gift.

It's Harder To Make Something Good When You Can't Curse All The Time.

It's Not Vanity, Because If You Look Weird, It Will Distract From What Your Trying To Do. If You Look As Good As You Can, People Will Be Able To Pay Attention To What Your Actually Saying.

The First Time I Went To See A Second City Show, I Was In Awe Of Everything. I Just Wanted To Touch The Same Stage That Gilda Radner Had Walked On. It Was Sacred Ground.

An Acting Teacher Once Told Me, 'greet Everything With Yes... Even If You Abandon One Idea For Another One, Saying Yes Allows You To Move Forward.'

I Hire People That Are Good, And Aren't Crazy. Or Assholes. Because That Takes Up Too Much Time. There Are Just As Many Good People Who Are Not Crazy.

My Ability To Turn Good News Into Anxiety Is Rivaled Only By My Ability To Turn Anxiety Into Chin Acne.

You Don't Just Decide To Destroy A Person By Making Up Stuff, And No One At 'snl' Is Writing To Go After Someone.

Yeah, It's Tough Being Smart And Sexy, Too. I Have To Say, I'm Really Not That Attractive. Until I Met My Husband, I Could Not Get A Date. I Promise You It's True. My Husband Jeff Richmond Saw A Diamond In The Rough And Took Me In.

Sometimes When You're Doing A Comedy, The Director Will Yell Out "alts" And Then The Director Gets The First Laugh.

Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

Thomas Jefferson—another Gorgeous White Boy Who Would Not Have Been Interested In Me. This Was My Problem In A Nutshell. To Get Some Play In Charlottesville, You Had To Be Either A Martha Jefferson Or A Sally Hemings.

The New York Post Quoted Senator Hillary Clinton Saying That She Would Never Run For President, Declaring "that Is Not Something I'm Going To Be Doing. "which In Clinton Talk Means "i Will Be President In Three Years.

Sometimes You Want To Have A Very Productive Saturday To Feel That You Are In Control Of Your Life, Which Of Course You Are Not.

Control Of Your Life

Saudi Arabian Police Arrested Seven Teenage Boys For Leering At Women. In Accordance With Saudi Law, The Boys Will Be Whipped And The Women Will Be Stoned To Death.

For My First Show At 'snl', I Wrote A Bill Clinton Sketch, And During Our Read-through, It Wasn't Getting Any Laughs. This Weight Of Embarrassment Came Over Me, And I Felt Like I Was Sweating From My Spine Out. But I Realized, 'okay, That Happened, And I Did Not Die.' You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

Don't Waste Your Energy Trying To Educate Or Change Opinions... Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

According To A New Study, Women In Satisfying Marriages Are Less Likely To Develop Cardiovascular Diseases Than Unmarried Women. So Don't Worry, Lonely Women, You'll Be Dead Soon.

In A Study, Scientists Report That Drinking Beer Can Be Good For The Liver. I'm Sorry, Did I Say 'scientists'? I Meant Irish People.

Al Gore Announced Tuesday That He Plans To Launch A 24-hour Cable News Network For Young Adults. Gore Claims He's Been Wanting To Do This Since He Invented Cable Tv In The 1990s.

I Felt Like That Character In Flowers For Algernon. Not Charlie, The Lady Teacher From The College Who Realizes, 'i've Got To Stop Dry-humping This Mentally Challenged Guy!

Start With A 'yes', And See Where That Takes You.

So, My Unsolicited Advice To Women In The Workplace Is This. When Faced With Sexism, Or Ageism, Or Lookism, Or Even Really Aggressive Buddhism, Ask Yourself The Following Question: “is This Person In Between Me And What I Want To Do?” If The Answer Is No, Ignore It And Move On. Your Energy Is Better Used Doing Your Work And Outpacing People That Way. Then, When You’re In Charge, Don’t Hire The People Who Were Jerky To You.

Funny Motivational

The Thing That Always Fascinated Me About Improv Is That It's Basically A Happy Accident That You Think You're Initiating.

Happy Accidents

When Humor Works, It Works Because It's Clarifying What People Already Feel. It Has To Come From Someplace Real.

That Turned-up Collar. The Jacket That Zipped All The Way Down The Front Into A Nice Fitted Shape. The White Denim That Made My Untanned Skin Look Like A Color.

Don’t Waste Your Energy Trying To Educate Or Change Opinions; Go Over, Under, Through, And Opinions Will Change Organically When You’re The Boss. Or They Won’t. Who Cares? Do Your Thing, And Don’t Care If They Like It.

I Feel About Photoshop The Way Some People Feel About Abortion. It Is Appalling And A Tragic Reflection On The Moral Decay Of Our Society…unless I Need It, In Which Case, Everybody Be Cool.

It's Easy To Fall Into The Trap Of Just Cranking Out Things That Are Good Enough To Sell.

A New Poll Showed That 66% Of Americans Think President Bush Is Doing A Poor Job Handling The War In Iraq And The Remaining 34% Think That Adam And Eve Rode Dinosaurs To Church.

Many Of The World's Greatest Discoveries Have Been By Accident. I Mean, Look At The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Or Botox.

When Choosing Sexual Partners, Remember: Talent Is Not Sexually Transmittable.

When I First Set Out To Ruin Snl, I Didn't Think Anyone Would Notice, But I Persevered Because - Like You Trying To Do A Nine-piece Jigsaw Puzzle - It Was A Labour Of Love.

I Really Like John Mccain. He's An Awesome Dude And Was A Lot Of Fun When He Hosted "snl." I'd Love To See A Mccain-giuliani "rage" Ticket.

I'm Not A Fan Of Purposely Farting In Front Of Other People. If You Have To Fart, Leave The Room.

I Am Extremely Square And Obedient In Nature!

In Afghanistan This Week, Outnumbered Northern Alliance Rebels On Horseback Defeated Taliban Forces Armed With Tanks. Experts Say The Victory Is Just Like The Story Of David And Goliath And David's Friend, The Stealth Bomber.

I Definitely Think Of Myself Still As A Writer First, And Feel Like - With The Lucky Exception Of This - Any Acting Opportunity I've Gotten Is Usually Because I Was Writing On It. This Is Like A Wonderful Vacation. If You've Ever Sat In A Writers' Room It's The Most Disgusting, Tortuous Place, So It's A Treat To Be Treated Like A Movie Actor.

Researches Reported That They Developed A Self-healing Plastic That Repairs Itself If Cracked. The Plastic Will Change The Way Airplanes Are Built And Medicine Is Practiced. In A Related Story, Joan Rivers Will Never Die.

A Willingness To Drop Your Ego And Let Yourself Look Foolish. You Almost Have To Enjoy Looking Vulnerable. You'd Be Surprised How Many People Don't Want To Do That.

Just Say Yes And You'll Figure It Out Afterwards.

This January, Kevin Costner Will Be Honored By The Palm Springs International Film Festival For His Contribution To Film. This Gives Costner Just Two Months To Make A Contribution To Film.

George Clooney Married Amal Alamuddin This Year. Amal Is A Human Rights Lawyer Who Worked On The Enron Case, Was An Advisor To Kofi Annan Regarding Syria, And Was Selected For A Three-person Commission Investigating Rules Of War Violation In The Gaza Strip. So Tonight, Her Husband Is Getting A Lifetime Achievement Award.

Even When I Was At 'snl,' I Didn't Do Impersonations. I Always Wanted To Be The Kind Of Person Who Could Do Them - I Always Thought They Were The Coolest Thing On The Show - But I Didn't Have Any Experience.

Never Tell A Crazy Person He’s Crazy.

I Don't Know How Many More Movies I'm Going To Get The Opportunity To Make And I Don't Want To Look Back And Go: "man, I Just Floated Through That One." Or: "i Did That One For The Money." I Want To Be Able To Say That I Worked As A Hard As I Could And I Did The Best Work That I Could Do.

[...] Things Most People Do Naturally Are Often Inexplicably Difficult For Me.

The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes. Everyone Else Is Struggling.

Somewhere Around The Fifth Or Seventh Grade I Figured Out That I Could Ingratiate Myself To People By Making Them Laugh. Essentially, I Was Just Trying To Make Them Like Me. But After A While It Became Part Of My Identity.

At The Upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez And Marc Anthony Will Perform Together As The First Time, As Man And Wife. Hopefully Music.

Ladies Gotta Say No To Their Husbands At The Movies. They Gotta Say: "no, We Are Watching Back-to-back Cancer Movies. And Then This Movie About A Cat."

You Have To Remember That Actors Are Human Beings. Which Is Hard Sometimes Because They Look So Much Better Than Human Beings.

For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us, Unless You Believe In Evolution. Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing Is A Disaster.

Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

If You Watch [the] Search For Signs Of Intelligent Life [in The Universe], Or The Incredible Shrinking Woman, Or 9 To 5, There Is A Lot Of Gender Politics At The Forefront Of Lily Tomlin Work, Which Was Kind Of Thrilling For Me To Be Watching As A 10-, 11-, 12-year-old Kid.

30 Rock Is A Little Different From Other Current Sitcoms, In That It's Fast-paced, But The Pace Comes From The Actors, Not The Editing.

Your Characters Should Be As Smart As You Are, If Not Smarter.

Then She Took Out A Speculum The Size Of A Milk Shake Machine. Even Michelle Duggar Would Have Flinched At This Thing, But I Had Never Seen One Before.

Feminists Do The Best Photoshop Because They Leave The Meat On Your Bones. They Don’t Change Your Size Or Your Skin Color. They Leave In Your Disgusting Knuckles, But They May Take Out Some Armpit Stubble. Not Because They’re Denying Its Existence, But Because They Understand That It’s Okay To Make A Photo Look As If You Were Caught On Your Best Day In The Best Light.

If You're An Actor And You Don't Get Cast In Stuff A Lot, Then Put Together A Show Or Hold Play-reading Nights At Your Apartment. Make Your Own Opportunities.

I Like To Crack The Jokes Now And Again, But It's Only Because I Struggle With Math.

I Love To Play Strippers And To Imitate Them. I Love Using That Idea For Comedy, But The Idea Of Actually Going There? I Feel Like We All Need To Be Better Than That. That Industry Needs To Die, By All Of Us Being A Little Bit Better Than That.

[television] Is A Great Medium For Writers, Because There's Just No Time For A Studio To Interfere Very Long. You Write It, You Shoot It; It's On Tv.

I Think If You Ask Any Of Us Here, We All Dreamed Of Ending Up On Saturday Night Live. I Remember Thinking, 'i'll Just Keep Doing This As Long As I Can Get Away With It.'

Trying To Be A Leader In A Sort Of Very Atypical Workplace Like 'saturday Night Live' Forces You To Realize That No One Wants You To Be Their Leader. If You Can Help Them Get Their Thing On Tv Or Whatever, They Want That. But No Adult Is Looking For A Role Model.

I Don't Like My Feet. I'm Not Crazy About Anybody's Feet. But I Have Flat Feet.

Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue.

I Still Want Oprah To Play My Best Friend. I Want To Spend Time With Oprah.

Being A Mom Has Made Me So Tired. And So Happy.

Every Day I Wrote In My Journal: "how Am I Going To Win Today?" So That When The Guys Are Talking About Water-boarding I'm Telling Them They Haven't Even Got The Right Towels.

Mary Tyler Moore Was A Working Woman Whose Story Lines Were Not Always About Dating And Men. They Were About Work Friendships And Relationships, Which Is What I Feel My Adult Life Has Mostly Been About.

I Am Constantly Amazed By Tina Fey. And I Am Tina Fey.

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Mary-Louise Parker

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