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For My First Show At 'snl', I Wrote A Bill Clinton Sketch, And During Our Read-through, It Wasn't Getting Any Laughs. This Weight Of Embarrassment Came Over Me, And I Felt Like I Was Sweating From My Spine Out. But I Realized, 'okay, That Happened, And I Did Not Die.' You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

-Tina Fey

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For My First Show

Tina Fey

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For My First Show At 'snl', I Wrote A Bill Clinton Sketch, And During Our Read-through, It Wasn't Getting Any Laughs. This Weight Of Embarrassment Came Over Me, And I Felt Like I Was Sweating From My Spine Out. But I Realized, 'okay, That Happened, And I Did Not Die.' You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

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Saudi Arabian Police Arrested Seven Teenage Boys For Leering At Women. In Accordance With Saudi Law, The Boys Will Be Whipped And The Women Will Be Stoned To Death.

I Don't Weigh Myself. I Just Go By If My Clothes Fit. I Try Not To Participate Too Much In The Incredible Amount Of Wasted Energy That Women Have Around Dealing With Food. I Just Feel Like Being Healthy Is Sort Of A Job Requirement To Be On Tv, And Being A Writer Is So Much Coping With Fatigue And Stress, And You Just Eat. You Eat To Stay Awake.

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An Interim Government Was Set Up In Afghanistan. It Included Two Women, One Of Whom Was Minister Of Women's Affairs. Man, Who'd She Have To Show Here Ankles To To Get That Job?

I Was Wearing My Best Gap Turtleneck And My Dates Were Two Adult Lesbians, So Yea, I Was Pretty Cool.

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I Was A Little Excited But Mostly Blorft. "blorft" Is An Adjective I Just Made Up That Means 'completely Overwhelmed But Proceeding As If Everything Is Fine And Reacting To The Stress With The Torpor Of A Possum.' I Have Been Blorft Every Day For The Past Seven Years.

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I Had My Hair In A Ponytail And Looked My Trademark Exhausted.

Gravity”: “it’s The Story Of How George Clooney Would Rather Float Away Into Space And Die Then Spend One More Minute With A Woman His Own Age.

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I'm Still Technically Employed By The National Broadcasting Company.

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At Some Point, You Realize That People Might Be Laughing At Your Jokes Because They're Afraid Not To Laugh.

I Think Women Dress For Other Women To Let Them Know What Their Deal Is. Because If Women Were Only Dressing For Men, There Would Be Nothing But Victoria's Secret. There Would Be No Dior.

This Requires A Level Of Delusion/egomania Usually Reserved For Popes And Drag Queens

Wafah Dufour Bin Laden, Niece Of Osama Bin Laden Has Signed A Contract To Star In A Reality Show... Called Skating With The Nieces Of Terrorists.

When You Go Into Something Where You Can Really Trust That Everyone Has Thought About It, More Than You Have Even, Then That's Like A Gift.

It’s The Same Reason I Don’t Get Hooters. Why Do We Need To Enjoy Chicken Wings And Boobies At The Same Time? Yes, They Are A Natural And Beautiful Part Of The Human Experience. And So Are Boobies. But Why At The Same Time?

It Is Less Dangerous To Draw A Cartoon Of Allah French-kissing Uncle Sam — Which, Let Me Make It Very Clear, I Have Not Done — Than It Is To Speak Honestly About [working Moms].

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The Ideal Situation For A Parent Is One That No One Has - Having A Fulfilling Job That Requires You To Work Three Days A Week. It's Better For The Parents, Because They Get To Spend Time With The Children And Also Have A Source Of Pride And Achievement - And Income - Outside The Home.

A Combustion Engine Of Ambition And Disappointment.

There Is No One Of-woman-born Who Does Not Like Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits. Anyone Who Claims Otherwise Is A Liar And A Socialist.

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I Hope For His Sake That Tracy's Apology Will Be Accepted As Sincere By His Gay And Lesbian Coworkers At 30 Rock, Without Whom Tracy Would Not Have Lines To Say, Clothes To Wear, Sets To Stand On, Scene Partners To Act With, Or A Printed-out Paycheck From Accounting To Put In His Pocket.

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My Parents Raised Me That You Never Ask People About Their Reproductive Plans. “you Don’t Know Their Situation,” My Mom Would Say. I Considered It Such An Impolite Question That For Years I Didn’t Even Ask Myself. Thirty-five Turned Into Forty Faster Than Mcdonald’s Food Turns Into Cold Nonfood.

Obviously, As An Adult I Realize This Girl-on-girl Sabotage Is The Third Worst Kind Of Female Behavior, Right Behind Saying "like" All The Time And Leaving Your Baby In A Dumpster.

My Parents Are Very Well-behaved. If Anything, If My Mom Were Here Right Now, She Would Hug And Kiss Every One Of You Hello, And Then She Would Feed You.

It Doesn't Matter If It's A School Play Or A Dumb Tv Show. It's Your Work. You Should Care About It So Much That People Get Annoyed With You.

I Went To The University Of Virginia And I Came From, I Grew Up In Suburban Philadelphia.

I Like To Crack The Jokes Now And Again, But It's Only Because I Struggle With Math.

In An Attempt To Make Things Easier For Myself, Which Is The Basis For All Of History's Worst Decisions [...].

North Korea Threatened To Attack If Sony Pictures Released The Interview, Forcing Us All To Pretend That We Wanted To See It.

I Dreamed Of Being An Actress When I Was A Little Kid Because You Don't Know Then That The Writer Writes Everything The Actor Is Saying. But As I Got Older, I Got Into College And Became More Aware That Writing Is Another Option, And I Started Getting Into It, Too.

That Turned-up Collar. The Jacket That Zipped All The Way Down The Front Into A Nice Fitted Shape. The White Denim That Made My Untanned Skin Look Like A Color.

It Was Reported That The New York Knicks Have Won All 12 Of The Home Games Attended By Magician David Blaine. A Spokesman For The Knicks Said, 'if This Is What It Takes To Win, It's Not Worth It.'

When I First Set Out To Ruin Snl, I Didn't Think Anyone Would Notice, But I Persevered Because - Like You Trying To Do A Nine-piece Jigsaw Puzzle - It Was A Labour Of Love.

Make Statements Also Applies To Us Women: Speak In Statements Instead Of Apologetic Questions. No One Wants To Go To A Doctor Who Says, “i’m Going To Be Your Surgeon? I’m Here To Talk To You About Your Procedure? I Was First In My Class At Johns Hopkins, So?” Make Statements, With Your Actions And Your Voice.

Either Way, Everything Will Be Fine. But If You Have An Opinion, Please Feel Free To Offer It To Me Through The Gap In The Door Of A Public Restroom. Everyone Else Does.

I’ve Always Been Able To Tell A Lot About People By Whether They Ask Me About My Scar. Most People Never Ask, But If It Comes Up Naturally Somehow And I Offer Up The Story, They Are Quite Interested. Some People Are Just Dumb: 'did A Cat Scratch You?' God Bless. Those Sweet Dumdums I Never Mind. Sometimes It Is A Fun Sociology Litmus Test, Like When My Friend Ricky Asked Me, 'did They Ever Catch The Black Guy That Did That To You?' Hmmm. It Was Not A Black Guy, Ricky, And I Never Said It Was.

Mary Tyler Moore Was A Working Woman Whose Story Lines Were Not Always About Dating And Men. They Were About Work Friendships And Relationships, Which Is What I Feel My Adult Life Has Mostly Been About.

The First Time I Went To See A Second City Show, I Was In Awe Of Everything. I Just Wanted To Touch The Same Stage That Gilda Radner Had Walked On. It Was Sacred Ground.

Life Is Improvisation.

You Can Fix It As Soon As You Get Up - You Brush And Use Mouthwash - But There’s Something About Knowing You Woke Up With Hot-mothball Mouth That Makes You Feel Old. I Think God Designed Our Mouths To Die First To Help Us Slowly Transition To The Grave.

In An Interview, Paris Hilton Said That Of Her And Her Sister, "people Love To Hate Us. But When You Know Us, You Love Us. And If You Really Get To Know Us, You Get Gonorrhea."

When Humor Works, It Works Because It's Clarifying What People Already Feel. It Has To Come From Someplace Real.

(my Proudest Moment As A Child Was The Time I Beat My Uncle Pierre At Scrabble With The Seven-letter Word Farting.)

Only In Comedy, By The Way, Does An Obedient White Girl From The Suburbs Count As Diversity.

If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine, No One Would Have Sex Tapes.

Whenever You See Me, I'm On Antique Quaaludes.

I Work, And Then Whenever I Have Any Other Time, I'm With My Daughter, And Then I Go To Sleep. I Think You Basically Have To Abandon The Dreams Of Having Any Other Adult Activities In Your Life. You Have To Go To Sleep Whenever Your Child Goes To Sleep. That's Basically How We're Doing It.

After College, I Knew I Wanted To Work In Comedy, So The First Thing I Did Was Go To Where The Comedy Was. I Moved From Charlottesville To Chicago, Because That's Where The Second City And Improv Olympics Are. You Have To Go Wherever You Need To Go To Study What Interests You.

I Learned Quickly That Trying To Force Country Folk To Love The Big City Is Like Telling Your Gay Cousin, "you Just Haven't Met The Right Girl Yet.

I Feel About Photoshop The Way Some People Feel About Abortion. It Is Appalling And A Tragic Reflection On The Moral Decay Of Our Society…unless I Need It, In Which Case, Everybody Be Cool.

I Was Like, Oh, I Want To Sign Up For "catwoman," And Then Anne Hathaway Had Already Signed Up For It.

30 Rock Is A Little Different From Other Current Sitcoms, In That It's Fast-paced, But The Pace Comes From The Actors, Not The Editing.

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

Sometimes When You're Doing A Comedy, The Director Will Yell Out "alts" And Then The Director Gets The First Laugh.

I Feel Like I Represent Normalcy In Some Way.

The Thing That Always Fascinated Me About Improv Is That It's Basically A Happy Accident That You Think You're Initiating.

Happy Accidents

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