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Television Is A Runaway Train That You Have To Get On For Nine Months Of The Year. But At The Same Time, It Has A Wonderful Immediacy.

-Tina Fey

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Television Is A Runaway

Tina Fey

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Television Is A Runaway Train That You Have To Get On For Nine Months Of The Year. But At The Same Time, It Has A Wonderful Immediacy.

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You Have To Remember That Actors Are Human Beings. Which Is Hard Sometimes Because They Look So Much Better Than Human Beings.

When A Man Plays A Woman In A Dress, You're Halfway There. It's Inherently Funny. When A Woman Plays A Man, For Whatever Reason, It's Not That Instant Kind Of Funny.

A New Poll Showed That 66% Of Americans Think President Bush Is Doing A Poor Job Handling The War In Iraq And The Remaining 34% Think That Adam And Eve Rode Dinosaurs To Church.

I Was The Editor Of The School Newspaper And In Drama Club And Choir, So I Was Not A Popular Girl In The Traditional Sense, But I Think I Was Known For Being Relatively Scathing.

Whenever You See Me, I'm On Antique Quaaludes.

Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable. For Sketch Writers, Remember They're Called Sketches For A Reason. They're Not Called Oil Paintings. Some Of Them Are Going To Stink. You Have To Let Them Stink.

There Are So Many Quiet Times You Spend As A Mother That Aren't Glorified But Are A Foundation For Your Kids. No Matter What, There Was Always A Thick Safety Net Under This Trapeze.

You Can Fix It As Soon As You Get Up - You Brush And Use Mouthwash - But There’s Something About Knowing You Woke Up With Hot-mothball Mouth That Makes You Feel Old. I Think God Designed Our Mouths To Die First To Help Us Slowly Transition To The Grave.

I Don't Want To Be Somebody Else.

If You Watch [the] Search For Signs Of Intelligent Life [in The Universe], Or The Incredible Shrinking Woman, Or 9 To 5, There Is A Lot Of Gender Politics At The Forefront Of Lily Tomlin Work, Which Was Kind Of Thrilling For Me To Be Watching As A 10-, 11-, 12-year-old Kid.

There Was An Assumption That I Was Personally Attacking Sarah Palin By Impersonating Her On Tv. No One Ever Said It Was 'mean' When Chevy Chase Played Gerald Ford Falling Down All The Time. No One Ever Accused Dana Carvey Or Darrell Hammond Or Dan Aykroyd Of 'going Too Far' In Their Political Impressions. You See What I'm Getting At Here. I Am Not Mean And Mrs. Palin Is Not Fragile. To Imply Otherwise Is A Disservice To Us Both.

Boyhood Proves That There's Still Good Roles For Women Over 40, As Long As You Get Hired When You're Under 40.

I Never Get To Go To Movies, Because I'm A Mom.

Never Tell A Crazy Person He’s Crazy.

It Was Reported That Guy Ritchie Has Cast His Wife Madonna In A Small Walk-on Role In His New Movie, Revolver. Madonna Will Play The Part Of The Woman Who Ruins The Film.

I Think The Philosophy Will Continue To Be What It Always Was; Which Was, Let's Keep Throwing A Bunch Of Things At The Wall, And See What Sticks.

"admission" Is Paul Weitz's Movie. This Is Karen Croner - The Screenwriter's - Movie. To Have Such A Lovely Role In Such A Beautifully Written Script Offered To Me, It's Like Elves Made The Shoes.

For My First Show At 'snl', I Wrote A Bill Clinton Sketch, And During Our Read-through, It Wasn't Getting Any Laughs. This Weight Of Embarrassment Came Over Me, And I Felt Like I Was Sweating From My Spine Out. But I Realized, 'okay, That Happened, And I Did Not Die.' You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

I'm Married, You Know. I Love My Husband And I Have A Child.

Your Characters Should Be As Smart As You Are, If Not Smarter.

Ladies Gotta Say No To Their Husbands At The Movies. They Gotta Say: "no, We Are Watching Back-to-back Cancer Movies. And Then This Movie About A Cat."

Seriously, I've Just Realized That Almost Everyone Is A Fraud, So I Try Not To Feel Too Bad About It.

Most Of The Time You're Too Busy To Think About It. But Every Now And Then You Say, 'i Work At 'saturday Night Live,' And That Is So Cool.

I Don't Know How Many More Movies I'm Going To Get The Opportunity To Make And I Don't Want To Look Back And Go: "man, I Just Floated Through That One." Or: "i Did That One For The Money." I Want To Be Able To Say That I Worked As A Hard As I Could And I Did The Best Work That I Could Do.

My Mom Wanted Me To Apply To Princeton, Cause She Just I Guess Since I Was A Kid Had This Dream That I Would Apply To Princeton, And It Was Not Happening.

Gravity”: “it’s The Story Of How George Clooney Would Rather Float Away Into Space And Die Then Spend One More Minute With A Woman His Own Age.

It Is Less Dangerous To Draw A Cartoon Of Allah French-kissing Uncle Sam — Which, Let Me Make It Very Clear, I Have Not Done — Than It Is To Speak Honestly About [working Moms].

(my Proudest Moment As A Child Was The Time I Beat My Uncle Pierre At Scrabble With The Seven-letter Word Farting.)

Only In Comedy, By The Way, Does An Obedient White Girl From The Suburbs Count As Diversity.

At Some Point, You Realize That People Might Be Laughing At Your Jokes Because They're Afraid Not To Laugh.

Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

This January, Kevin Costner Will Be Honored By The Palm Springs International Film Festival For His Contribution To Film. This Gives Costner Just Two Months To Make A Contribution To Film.

The Idea Of Being In Control For The Sake Of Control, Is Not Really Important To Me. If Everyone Is Sharp And Doing, You Know, What They're Doing Well, You Don't Really Need To Be In Control All The Time.

Photoshop Is Just Like Makeup. When It’s Done Well It Looks Great, And When It’s Overdone You Look Like A Crazy Asshole.

The Topic Of Working Moms Is A Tap-dance Recital In A Minefield.

If You Care About [the Characters] As If They Were Real, That Always Helps.

I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.

I Had A Gentleman In College Tell Me, During A Date, That I Could Be Really Pretty If I Lost Some Weight. On A Date!

When I Started On 'saturday Night Live,' I Had The Choice Of Wearing Contact Lenses, Which I Had Never Worn Before, Or Glasses, In Order To Be Able To Read The Cue Cards.

To Me Yes, And Means Don't Be Afraid To Contribute. Always Make Sure You're Adding Something To The Discussion. Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

So, My Unsolicited Advice To Women In The Workplace Is This. When Faced With Sexism, Or Ageism, Or Lookism, Or Even Really Aggressive Buddhism, Ask Yourself The Following Question: “is This Person In Between Me And What I Want To Do?” If The Answer Is No, Ignore It And Move On. Your Energy Is Better Used Doing Your Work And Outpacing People That Way. Then, When You’re In Charge, Don’t Hire The People Who Were Jerky To You.

Funny Motivational

I Am Going To Dedicate Myself, Full Time, To My Day-drinking.

Sometimes, You Can Feel Or See How A Movie Can... How You Can Do It. Sometimes It's Just Like Seeing, "can That Work? Will People Buy That? Can We Do That?" And All Those Checkmarks.

Anne Hathaway You Gave A Stunning Performance In "les Miserables." I Have Not Seen Someone So Totally Alone And Abandoned Like That Since You Were Onstage With James Franco At The Oscars.

Whatever The Problem, Be Part Of The Solution. Don’t Just Sit Around Raising Questions And Pointing Out Obstacles.

It's Harder To Make Something Good When You Can't Curse All The Time.

Gay People Don’t Actually Try To Convert People. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses You’re Thinking Of.

Acting Is Really About Showing Up That Day And Telling The Writers What You Feel Like Saying.

Saudi Arabian Police Arrested Seven Teenage Boys For Leering At Women. In Accordance With Saudi Law, The Boys Will Be Whipped And The Women Will Be Stoned To Death.

I Really Like John Mccain. He's An Awesome Dude And Was A Lot Of Fun When He Hosted "snl." I'd Love To See A Mccain-giuliani "rage" Ticket.

I Really Love Cursing A Lot. But As I Get Older, I Realize It's A Little Unseemly For Women Of A Certain Age.

Maternity Leave Is Over For Tina Fey Of Saturday Night Live. She'll Be Back Behind The Weekend Update Anchor Desk For This Week's Episode, Her First Show Since Giving Birth To Daughter Alice On Sept. 10. I Had To Get Back To Work, .. Nbc Has Me Under Contract; The Baby And I Have Only A Verbal Agreement.

If You Want To Make An Audience Laugh, You Dress A Man Up Like An Old Lady And Push Her Down The Stairs. If You Want To Make Comedy Writers Laugh, You Push An Actual Old Lady Down The Stairs.

You Mostly Know That You Want To Be Funny, Know That You Have The Desire. It's Not Like People Who Grow Up Beautiful And Can Look In The Mirror And Be Like, I'm Beautiful! Funny Is More Of A Journey. And A Desperate Attempt.

It's Easy To Fall Into The Trap Of Just Cranking Out Things That Are Good Enough To Sell.

I Got A Fan Letter On The Back Of A Prison Menu. And I Remember Thinking, 'well, They Get Pie. It's Not So Bad. They Get Pie On The Weekends.' I Want To Say Blueberry And Also A Boston Cream Pie. Not So Bad.

Mary Tyler Moore Was A Working Woman Whose Story Lines Were Not Always About Dating And Men. They Were About Work Friendships And Relationships, Which Is What I Feel My Adult Life Has Mostly Been About.

When Actors Are Too Good-looking, I Can’t Memorize Them. For Example, I Have Never Seen A Picture Of Sienna Miller Where I Didn’t Say, “that Girl’s Pretty. Who Is That?

Amy Poehler And I Have Been Friends For So Long, We're Like Oprah And Gale. Only We're Not Denying Anything.

There Are A Couple Of Things I Want To Impart To Ladies Who Want To Be In Comedy: One, You Don’t Have To Be Weird Or Be Quirky To Get Your Job Done. And Two, Comedy Skill Is Not Sexually Transmittable. You Do Not Have To Sleep With A Comedian To Learn What You’re Doing. Male Comedians Will Not Like That Advice, But It Is The Truth.

I Had To Face The Fact That I Had Been Using My Gay Friends As Props. They Were Always Supposed To Be Funny And Entertain Me And Praise Me And Listen To My Problems, And Their Life Was Supposed To Be A Secret That No One Wanted To Hear About. I Wanted Them To Stay In The “half Closet.

You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

I Had My Hair In A Ponytail And Looked My Trademark Exhausted.

There's A Drunk Midget In My House Ah, Babies! They're More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts. Like Most People Who Have Had One Baby, I Am An Expert On Everythiing And Will Tell You, Unsolicited, How To Raise Your Kid!

In An Interview, Paris Hilton Said That Of Her And Her Sister, "people Love To Hate Us. But When You Know Us, You Love Us. And If You Really Get To Know Us, You Get Gonorrhea."

I Became Immersed In The Cult Of Improvisation. I Was Like One Of Those Athletes Trying To Get Into The Olympics. It Was All About Blind Focus. I Was So Sure That I Was Doing Exactly What I'd Been Put On This Earth To Do, And I Would Have Done Anything To Make It Onto That Stage.

I Work, And Then Whenever I Have Any Other Time, I'm With My Daughter, And Then I Go To Sleep. I Think You Basically Have To Abandon The Dreams Of Having Any Other Adult Activities In Your Life. You Have To Go To Sleep Whenever Your Child Goes To Sleep. That's Basically How We're Doing It.

I Want To Go To There.

Let's Review The Cost-free Techniques That We've Learned So Far For Raising An Achievement-oriented, Obedient, Drug-free, Virgin Adult: Calamity, Praise, Local Theater, And Flat Feet. Another Key Element Is "strong Father Figure / Fear Thereof."

I Love To Play Strippers And To Imitate Them. I Love Using That Idea For Comedy, But The Idea Of Actually Going There? I Feel Like We All Need To Be Better Than That. That Industry Needs To Die, By All Of Us Being A Little Bit Better Than That.

Sometimes If You Have A Difficult Decisin To Make, Just Stall Until The Answer Presents Itself.

You All Watched A Sketch About Feminism And You Didn't Even Know It Because Of All The Jokes. It's Like When Jessica Seinfeld Puts Spinach In Kids' Brownies. Suckers!

I Was Wearing My Best Gap Turtleneck And My Dates Were Two Adult Lesbians, So Yea, I Was Pretty Cool.

It Was Reported That The New York Knicks Have Won All 12 Of The Home Games Attended By Magician David Blaine. A Spokesman For The Knicks Said, 'if This Is What It Takes To Win, It's Not Worth It.'

I'm Such A Fan Of Lily's [tomlin], For So Many Years. I Feel Like Lily Was The First Popular Mainstream Crossover Comedian Who Also Was Kind Of An Overtly Feminist Comedian.

I Was Like, Oh, I Want To Sign Up For "catwoman," And Then Anne Hathaway Had Already Signed Up For It.

President Bush Gave A Rousing Speech To The United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, In A Touching Show Of Support, Every Foreign Dignitary Shook Hands With The President And Smiled Warmly As He Mispronounced Their Names.

At The Request Of The Catholic Church, A Three-day Sex Orgy To Be Held Near Rio De Janeiro Was Cancelled Last Friday. So Instead I Spent The Weekend Cleaning My Apartment.

Pentagon Records Show That At Least 8,000 Members Of The All-volunteer U.s. Army Have Deserted Since The Iraq War Began. Hey, At Least Somebody Has An Exit Strategy.

Not Only Is My Wardrobe Totally Average, My Body's Totally Average. I Love All The Candy-fantasy Fulfillment Of Sex And The City.

If These Two Are Tired Of Having Sex With Each Other, What Hope Is There For The Rest Of Us?

I Do Like To Start On Time; I Like To Set The Bar High For People.

I Don't Live The Single Life And Never Really Did.

In Afghanistan This Week, Outnumbered Northern Alliance Rebels On Horseback Defeated Taliban Forces Armed With Tanks. Experts Say The Victory Is Just Like The Story Of David And Goliath And David's Friend, The Stealth Bomber.

I'm Not A Fan Of Purposely Farting In Front Of Other People. If You Have To Fart, Leave The Room.

I Have No Affinity For Animals. I Don’t Hate Animals And I Would Never Hurt An Animal; I Just Don’t Actively Care About Them. When A Coworker Shows Me Cute Pictures Of Her Dog, I Struggle To Respond Correctly, Like An Autistic Person Who Has Been Taught To Recognize Human Emotions From Flash Cards. In Short, I Am The Worst.

After College, I Knew I Wanted To Work In Comedy, So The First Thing I Did Was Go To Where The Comedy Was. I Moved From Charlottesville To Chicago, Because That's Where The Second City And Improv Olympics Are. You Have To Go Wherever You Need To Go To Study What Interests You.

I Went To The University Of Virginia And I Came From, I Grew Up In Suburban Philadelphia.

Being A Mom Has Made Me So Tired. And So Happy.

When You Go Into Something Where You Can Really Trust That Everyone Has Thought About It, More Than You Have Even, Then That's Like A Gift.

Am I Just Chasing It Because It's The Hardest Thing For Me To Get And I Want To Prove I Can Do It?

Somewhere Around The Fifth Or Seventh Grade I Figured Out That I Could Ingratiate Myself To People By Making Them Laugh. Essentially, I Was Just Trying To Make Them Like Me. But After A While It Became Part Of My Identity.

I Learned Quickly That Trying To Force Country Folk To Love The Big City Is Like Telling Your Gay Cousin, "you Just Haven't Met The Right Girl Yet.

In An Attempt To Make Things Easier For Myself, Which Is The Basis For All Of History's Worst Decisions [...].

In Washington, Officials From The National Rifle Association Met With A Group Of High School Students. There Were No Survivors.

Even When I Was At 'snl,' I Didn't Do Impersonations. I Always Wanted To Be The Kind Of Person Who Could Do Them - I Always Thought They Were The Coolest Thing On The Show - But I Didn't Have Any Experience.

No Other Formula Gives Your Baby A Better Start In Life Except That Stuff That Comes Out Of You For Free.

I'm Still Technically Employed By The National Broadcasting Company.

Now Every Girl Is Expected To Have: Caucasian Blue Eyes, Full Spanish Lips, A Classic Button Nose, Hairless Asian Skin With A California Tan, A Jamaican Dance Hall Ass, Long Swedish Legs, Small Japanese Feet, The Abs Of A Lesbian Gym Owner, The Hips Of A Nine-year-old Boy, The Arms Of Michelle Obama, And Doll Tits. The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes.

Anyone Who Knows Me Will Tell You That I Am All About Money. I Mean, Just Look How Well My Line Of Zodiac-inspired Toe Rings And Homeopathic Children's Medications Are Selling On Home Shopping Network.

My Problem With The Traditional Acting Method Was That I Never Understood What You Were Supposed To Be Thinking About When You're Onstage.

There Should Be A New, More Honest Euphemism. Like, I'm Leaving Office Because I Plan To Solicit More Anonymous Sex In Bathrooms.

My Work Is My Work. I Take My Work Seriously But I Don't Take Myself Too Seriously.

In Real Life, People In The Most Dire Situations Must Cope Through Humor.

I’m Not A Mean Person, But I Have A Capacity For It. I Have The Biting Comment Formed Somewhere In The Back Of My Head — Like It’s In Captivity. Sometimes People Expect That I’m Going To Be Tough. It’s Not A Bad Situation. People Treat You Better. People Are On Time.

I Had To Get Back To Work... Nbc Has Me Under Contract; The Baby And I Only Have A Verbal Agreement.

The Ladies Of Comedy Now Are Comfortable Dressing Up. It's Not Forbidden Anymore.

It Has Been Said That To Write Is To Live Forever. The Man Who Said That Is Dead.

As An Improviser, I Always Find It Jarring When I Meet Someone In Real Life Whose First Answer Is No. “no, We Can’t Do That.” “no, That’s Not In The Budget.” “no, I Will Not Hold Your Hand For A Dollar.” What Kind Of Way Is That To Live?

In My Limited Experience, Shows Are Like Children. You Can Teach Them Manners And Dress Them In Little Sailor Suits, But In The End, They're Going To Be Who They're Going To Be.

In Response To The Escalating Violence In Iraq, President Bush Is Delaying The Return Home Of 25,000 Troops And Will Actually Add Reinforcements To The South. Then In A Symbolic Gesture He Pulled Down The Mission Accomplished Banner, Put On A Flight Suit, Walked Backwards To A Jet Fighter And Flew It In Reverse Off An Aircraft Carrier.

Many Of The World's Greatest Discoveries Have Been By Accident. I Mean, Look At The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Or Botox.

There Are No Mistakes Only Opportunities.

We Are A Society That Constantly Celebrates No One But Women And It Must Stop! I Want To Hear What The Men Of The World Have Been Up To. What Fun New Guns Have They Invented? What Are They Raping These Days? What’s Michael Bay’s Next Film Going To Be?

You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

30 Rock Is A Little Different From Other Current Sitcoms, In That It's Fast-paced, But The Pace Comes From The Actors, Not The Editing.

I Think People Fetishize Glasses In General. You Could Put Glasses On A Rotting Pumpkin And People Would Think It Was Sexy.

I Think Someone Should Design Exercise Machines That Reward People With Sex At The End Of Their Workouts, Because People Will Perform Superhuman Feats For Even The Faint Hope Of That.

Ah, Babies! They’re More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts.

I Feel Like There Is A Lot Of Inherent Humor In The Stress And Insanity Surrounding That Process. People Lose Their Minds, Trying To Prove Their Parental Worth By Getting Their Children Into One Of Five Colleges; When There Are Thousands Of Good Colleges Across The United States - And Elsewhere.

Once Or Twice A Week I Would Set My Alarm For Six A.m. So I Could Get Up And Plug In Hot Stix...i Would Study The Curls In The Mirror, Impressed With Both The Appliance And My Newfound Ability To Use It. Then, Without Fail, At The Last Second Before Leaving For School, I Would Ask Myself, "am I Supposed To Brush It Out Or Leave It?" Why Could I Never Remember" That Feeling Of "i'm Pretty Sure This Next Step Is Wrong, But I'm Just Gonna Do It Anyway" Is Part Of The Same Set Of Instincts That Makes Me Such A Great Cook.

I'm A Big Fan Of 'the Office,' Both The British And The American Versions.

I Don't Like My Feet. I'm Not Crazy About Anybody's Feet. But I Have Flat Feet.

The First Time I Went To See A Second City Show, I Was In Awe Of Everything. I Just Wanted To Touch The Same Stage That Gilda Radner Had Walked On. It Was Sacred Ground.

I Like To Crack The Jokes Now And Again, But It's Only Because I Struggle With Math.

I Think My Level Of Fame Will Drop Back Down. I Think It’ll Recede. In Fact, I Know It Will. That’s Life On Planet Earth. And I’m Okay With That. Besides Getting Tables At Restaurants And Special Treatment At The Airport, What Else Is There?

I Hope For His Sake That Tracy's Apology Will Be Accepted As Sincere By His Gay And Lesbian Coworkers At 30 Rock, Without Whom Tracy Would Not Have Lines To Say, Clothes To Wear, Sets To Stand On, Scene Partners To Act With, Or A Printed-out Paycheck From Accounting To Put In His Pocket.

Start With A 'yes', And See Where That Takes You.

I Prefer The Retro Chic Of Spending Christmas Just Like Joseph And Mary Did - Traveling Arduously Back To The Place Of Your Birth To Be Counted, With No Guarantee Of A Bed When You Get There.

I Grew Up In A Family Of Republicans. And When I Was 18 And Registering To Vote, My Mom’s Only Instruction Was ‘you Just Go In And Pull The Big Republican Lever.’ That’s My Welcome To Adulthood. She’s Like, ‘no, Don’t Even Read It. Just Pull The Republican Lever.

I Have To Say, I'm Really Not That Attractive. Until I Met My Husband, I Could Not Get A Date.

Diamond In The Rough

Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion.

Some People Say, “never Let Them See You Cry.” I Say, If You’re So Mad You Could Just Cry, Then Cry. It Terrifies Everyone.

In Real Life These Women Experienced Different Sides Of The Same Sexism Coin. People Who Didn't Like Hillary Called Her A Ballbuster. People Who Didn't Like Sarah Called Her Caribou Barbie. People Attempted To Marginalize These Women Based On Their Gender.

Doing One Movie Every Two Years Is About All I Can Handle 'cause, Being The Creator At '30 Rock', My Year There Starts In The Middle Of June And Goes Back Around Until March.

Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue. In What Other Profession Would You Brag About Not Knowing Stuff? “i’m Not One Of Those Fancy Harvard Heart Surgeons. I’m Just An Unlicensed Plumber With A Dream And I’d Like To Cut Your Chest Open.” The Crowd Cheers.

I Think If You Ask Any Of Us Here, We All Dreamed Of Ending Up On Saturday Night Live. I Remember Thinking, 'i'll Just Keep Doing This As Long As I Can Get Away With It.'

You All Have Got To Stop Calling Each Other Sluts And Whores. It Only Makes It Okay For Guys To Call You Sluts And Whores.

You’re In Competition With Everyone.

The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.

My Parents Raised Me That You Never Ask People About Their Reproductive Plans. “you Don’t Know Their Situation,” My Mom Would Say. I Considered It Such An Impolite Question That For Years I Didn’t Even Ask Myself. Thirty-five Turned Into Forty Faster Than Mcdonald’s Food Turns Into Cold Nonfood.

North Korea Referred To The Interview As Absolutely Intolerable And A Wanton Act Of Terror. Even More Amazing: Not The Worst Review The Movie Got.

When Choosing Sexual Partners, Remember: Talent Is Not Sexually Transmittable.

Read! When Your Baby Is Finally Down For The Night, Pick Up A Juicy Book Like Eat, Pray, Love Or Pride And Prejudice Or My Personal Favorite,understanding Sleep Disorders: Narcolepsy And Apnea; A Clinical Study. Taking Some Time To Read Each Night Really Taught Me How To Feign Narcolepsy When My Husband Asked Me What My "plan" Was For Taking Down The Christmas Tree.

‘how Do You Juggle It All?’ People Constantly Ask Me, With An Accusatory Look In Their Eyes. ‘you’re Screwing It All Up, Aren’t You?’ Their Eyes Say. My Standard Answer Is That I Have The Same Struggle As Any Working Parent But With The Good Fortune To Be Working At My Dream Job. Or Sometimes I Just Hand Them A Juicy Red Apple I’ve Poisoned In My Working-mother Witch Cauldron And Fly Away.

...i Can't Possibly Take Time Off For A Second Baby, Unless I Do, In Which Case That Is Nobody's Business And I'll Never Regret It For A Moment Unless It Ruins My Life.

It's Like Being A Little Kid Again, Parading Around In A Nightgown Tucked Into Your Underpants, Believing It Looks Terrific.

I Have Two Daughters, And We Live Here In Manhattan, And Having Gone Through The Manhattan Kindergarten Application Process, Nothing Will Ever Rival The Stress Of That.

According To A New Study, Women In Satisfying Marriages Are Less Likely To Develop Cardiovascular Diseases Than Unmarried Women. So Don't Worry, Lonely Women, You'll Be Dead Soon.

I Would Not Trade Any Of These Features For Anybody Else’s. I Wouldn’t Trade The Small Thin-lipped Mouth That Makes Me Resemble My Nephew. I Wouldn’t Even Trade The Acne Scar On My Right Cheek, Because That Recurring Zit Spent More Time With Me In College Than Any Boy Ever Did.

I Found The Recording Sessions Very Freeing Because You Can Really Try Things. When You're Filming Something, If You're Improvising A Film And You're Wasting Film And Wasting A Cameraman's Time.

I Hire People That Are Good, And Aren't Crazy. Or Assholes. Because That Takes Up Too Much Time. There Are Just As Many Good People Who Are Not Crazy.

It’s No More Dangerous To Society Than A Radio Broadcast Of The War Of The Worlds.

Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

I Am Constantly Amazed By Tina Fey. And I Am Tina Fey.

I Felt Like That Character In Flowers For Algernon. Not Charlie, The Lady Teacher From The College Who Realizes, 'i've Got To Stop Dry-humping This Mentally Challenged Guy!

"30 Rock" Is Over, So I Definitely Aspire To Write Another Movie Again; Eventually, Will Try To Pitch Something For Television Again.

The New York Post Quoted Senator Hillary Clinton Saying That She Would Never Run For President, Declaring "that Is Not Something I'm Going To Be Doing. "which In Clinton Talk Means "i Will Be President In Three Years.

Sometimes I'll Be Telling My Husband, 'i Think I'm Cracking Up'. Sometimes You Just Need A Minute To Say, 'i Think I'm Cracking' And Just Acknowledge It.

You Must Not Look In That Mirror At Your Doughy Legs And Flat Feet, For Today Is About Dreams And Illusions, And Unfiltered Natural Daylight Is The Enemy Of Dreams.

And, You Know, Politics Aside, The Success Of Sarah Palin And Women Like Her Is Good For All Women - Except, Of Course - Those Who Will End Up, You Know, Like, Paying For Their Own Rape 'kit 'n' Stuff. But For Everybody Else, It's A Win-win. Unless You're A Gay Woman Who Wants To Marry Your Partner Of 20 Years - Whatever. But For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us. Unless You Believe In Evolution. You Know - Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing's A Disaster.

I'm Not That Good Looking... Nobody Is That Good Looking. I Have Seen A Lot Of Movie Stars, And Maybe Four Are Amazing Looking. The Rest Have A Team Of Gay Guys Who Make It Happen.

I Didn't Get On Tv Until I Was 30, Which Is Really Fortunate Because You Are Who You Are At That Point.

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

In My Experience, The Hardest Thing About Having Someone "come Out" To You Is The "pretending To Be Surprised" Part.

Quentin Tarantino Is Here, Star Of All My Sexual Nightmares.

We Writers Dream Of A Future Where Actors Are Mostly Computer Generated And Their Performances Can Be Adjusted, By Us, On A Laptop, Alone.

Either Way, Everything Will Be Fine. But If You Have An Opinion, Please Feel Free To Offer It To Me Through The Gap In The Door Of A Public Restroom. Everyone Else Does.

This Week, Penny Collector Gene Sukie Went To The Bank And Cashed In Ten Thousand Pounds Of Pennies He Had Collected Over 34 Years, Which Were Worth Over Fourteen Thousand Dollars. And, Of Course, I Was In Line Behind Him.

You Can Tell How Smart People Are By What They Laugh At.

I Think For Women Especially, You Need To Have A Plan. I Need To Have Some Other Ways To Generate Income, So I Don't Have To Stretch My Face Or Lift The Top Of My Head With Surgery Or Something.

Luxury Cruises Were Designed To Make Something Unbearable (a Two Week Transatlantic Crossing) Seem Bearable. There's No Need To Do It Now, There Are Planes. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Ride On A Stage Coach For Two Months But There's All-you-can-eat Shrimp. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Had An Old-timey Appendectomy Without Anesthesia While Steel Drums Play. You Might Take A Vacation While Riding On A Camel For Two Days If They Gave You Those Little Animal Towels Wearing Your Sunglasses.

I Am Extremely Square And Obedient In Nature!

The Upsides Of Acting In Things Is Mostly Getting Your Hair Done And Having People Give You Clothes. So As Long As You Can Have A Little Bit Of That In Your Life, Then It's Just As Delightful To Be Behind Camera.

Make Statements Also Applies To Us Women: Speak In Statements Instead Of Apologetic Questions. No One Wants To Go To A Doctor Who Says, “i’m Going To Be Your Surgeon? I’m Here To Talk To You About Your Procedure? I Was First In My Class At Johns Hopkins, So?” Make Statements, With Your Actions And Your Voice.

Obviously, As An Adult I Realize This Girl-on-girl Sabotage Is The Third Worst Kind Of Female Behavior, Right Behind Saying "like" All The Time And Leaving Your Baby In A Dumpster.

A New Study Suggests That Middle-aged Adults Who Go On Periodic Drinking Binges May Face A Heightened Risk Of Dementia Later On In Life. The Study Is Entitled, 'national Strategy For Victory In Iraq.'

I Still Want Oprah To Play My Best Friend. I Want To Spend Time With Oprah.

An Acting Teacher Once Told Me, 'greet Everything With Yes... Even If You Abandon One Idea For Another One, Saying Yes Allows You To Move Forward.'

I Feel Like I Represent Normalcy In Some Way.

Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

I Want To Spend Time With Oprah And I Don't Know What I Need To Do To Make That Happen.

It's A Great Lesson About Not Being Too Precious About Your Writing. You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go. You Can't Be That Kid Standing At The Top Of The Waterslide, Overthinking It...you Have To Let People See What You Wrote.

Funny Motivational

We're Gonna Promote Freedom. Usher In Democratic Values And Ideals. And Fight Terror-loving Terrorists.

Feminists Do The Best Photoshop Because They Leave The Meat On Your Bones. They Don’t Change Your Size Or Your Skin Color. They Leave In Your Disgusting Knuckles, But They May Take Out Some Armpit Stubble. Not Because They’re Denying Its Existence, But Because They Understand That It’s Okay To Make A Photo Look As If You Were Caught On Your Best Day In The Best Light.

To Say I’m An Overrated Troll, When You Have Never Even Seen Me Guard A Bridge, Is Patently Unfair.

Most Of My Work Is Done Before We Start Shooting, Preparation Work, So My Normal Day Begins When I Start Writing, It Might Even Be The Night Before.

Every Morning, When Alaskans Wake Up, One Of The First Things They Do, Is Look Outside To See If There Are Any Russians Hanging Around. And If There Are, You Gotta Go Up To Them And Ask, 'what Are You Doing Here?' And If They Can't Give You A Good Reason, It's Our Responsibility To Say, You Know, 'shoo! Get Back Over There!'

It’s The Same Reason I Don’t Get Hooters. Why Do We Need To Enjoy Chicken Wings And Boobies At The Same Time? Yes, They Are A Natural And Beautiful Part Of The Human Experience. And So Are Boobies. But Why At The Same Time?

The Only Way I Could Get Comfortable Around People Was To Make Them Laugh.

You Go Through Big Chunks Of Time Where You're Just Thinking, 'this Is Impossible - Oh,this Is Impossible'. And Then You Just Keep Going And Keep Going, And You Sort Of Do The Impossible.

You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go.

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

An Interim Government Was Set Up In Afghanistan. It Included Two Women, One Of Whom Was Minister Of Women's Affairs. Man, Who'd She Have To Show Here Ankles To To Get That Job?

There Is No One Of-woman-born Who Does Not Like Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits. Anyone Who Claims Otherwise Is A Liar And A Socialist.

...the Music Seems Creepy, Like When Children Sing In A Horror Movie

I Like To Write About Women, Not So Much About The Way They Relate To Men, But About The Way They Relate To Each Other.

I Wrote A One-act Play - I Can't Remember The Name Of It, But It Was Really About The Way Women Are Perceived As Leaders. In The Play, Catherine The Great Would Say Things Like, "you Know, John F. Kennedy Had Extramarital Affairs And No One Says Anything. But I Bang One Horse And Now I'm A Horse Banger For All Eternity? That's It? That's What I Am?"

The More New Yorkers Like Something, The More Disgusted They Are. "the Kitchen Was All Sub-zero: I Want To Kill Myself. The Building Has A Playroom That Makes You Want To Break Your Own Jaw With A Golf Club. I Can't Take It.

My Ability To Turn Good News Into Anxiety Is Rivaled Only By My Ability To Turn Anxiety Into Chin Acne.

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