Background Image
...
I Don't Live The Single Life And Never Really Did.
-Tina Fey
...
Please Wait....
Translating....

I Don't Live The

Tina Fey
...
I Don't Live The Single Life And Never Really Did.

Understanding the Quote: "i don't live the single life and never really did...."

This quote by Tina Fey reflects deeply on the theme of single life. It connects to the universal human journey of purpose, motivation, and reflection. Often categorized under Single Life, the quote offers insight, emotional clarity, and intellectual inspiration to readers worldwide.

Whether you’re a student exploring new ideas, a leader trying to motivate your team, or someone seeking direction in life — this quote provides value. It resonates because it’s more than words — it’s a bridge between experience and wisdom. It shows how Tina Fey interprets life's core challenges and triumphs.

Lessons From the Quote

This quote teaches resilience and focus. It reminds readers that no matter where they stand in life, reflection and self-awareness lead to growth. Each word has meaning, and when studied, it becomes clear how impactful thoughtful language can be.

About Tina Fey

Tina Fey is celebrated for insightful thoughts on single life and motivation. Their legacy lives on through writings that guide, comfort, and inspire. Discover more on their profile page.

Actionable Takeaways

  • Reflect on how this quote applies to your current life path.
  • Share the message with someone who needs inspiration.
  • Write your thoughts on this quote in a journal or blog post.
  • Use it as a daily affirmation or reminder.

Closing Thoughts

Quotes like this endure because they capture universal truths. They comfort us in solitude and empower us in groups. Carry this quote forward — live by its wisdom, share its message, and keep its essence alive.

Views: 6
Topic
Single Life
More From Tina Fey
Gravity”: “it’s The Story Of How George Clooney Would Rather Float Away Into Space And Die Then Spend One More Minute With A Woman His Own Age.
Space
Age
Stories
Life Is Improvisation.
Inspirational
Life Is
Improvisation
It's A Great Lesson About Not Being Too Precious About Your Writing. You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go. You Can't Be That Kid Standing At The Top Of The Waterslide, Overthinking It...you Have To Let People See What You Wrote.
Funny Motivational
Writing
Kids
I Am Constantly Amazed By Tina Fey. And I Am Tina Fey.
Funny
Humor
Fey
I Went Through A Phase Where I Was Sick Of Acting, I Didn't Want To Do It Anymore, I Was Bored With It And Then I Tried Directing A Movie And I Was Like: "shoot, Get Back Over There!" It Made Me Appreciate Acting More.
Bored
Appreciate
Sick
I Feel Like I Represent Normalcy In Some Way.
Normalcy
Way
Feels
Read! When Your Baby Is Finally Down For The Night, Pick Up A Juicy Book Like Eat, Pray, Love Or Pride And Prejudice Or My Personal Favorite,understanding Sleep Disorders: Narcolepsy And Apnea; A Clinical Study. Taking Some Time To Read Each Night Really Taught Me How To Feign Narcolepsy When My Husband Asked Me What My "plan" Was For Taking Down The Christmas Tree.
Baby
Husband
Book
The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes. Everyone Else Is Struggling.
Struggle
Athlete
Kim
Quentin Tarantino Is Here, Star Of All My Sexual Nightmares.
Stars
Nightmare
Tarantino
I Was A Very Confident Little Kid.
Kids
Littles
Little Kid
Life Is Improvisation. All Of Those [improv] Classes Were Like Church To Me. The Training Had Seeped Into Me And Changed Who I Am.
Who I Am
Class
Training
You Can Be A Little Bit Darker And Rougher On The Stage, Partly Because When You're In The Theater, People Have Come To See You, And So They Kind Of Know What They're In For. In Television, You Are Sort Of Sneaking Into People's Homes. So, I Think You Can Be A Little Bit Darker On Stage.
Home
Thinking
People
Acting Is Really About Showing Up That Day And Telling The Writers What You Feel Like Saying.
Acting
Showing Up
Feels
When You Go Into Something Where You Can Really Trust That Everyone Has Thought About It, More Than You Have Even, Then That's Like A Gift.
I Prefer The Retro Chic Of Spending Christmas Just Like Joseph And Mary Did - Traveling Arduously Back To The Place Of Your Birth To Be Counted, With No Guarantee Of A Bed When You Get There.
Bed
Guarantees
Birth
Doing One Movie Every Two Years Is About All I Can Handle 'cause, Being The Creator At '30 Rock', My Year There Starts In The Middle Of June And Goes Back Around Until March.
June
Rocks
Years
Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion.
Hilarious
Hard Work
Delusion
A Willingness To Drop Your Ego And Let Yourself Look Foolish. You Almost Have To Enjoy Looking Vulnerable. You'd Be Surprised How Many People Don't Want To Do That.
People
Ego
Vulnerable
My Favorite Day At 30 Rock Is Thursday, When The Show Airs. At Lunch We Screen The Episodes. For Everyone To Watch Together, To See The Stuff We All Worked On, To Hear The Crew Laugh - It’s Great Fun.
Fun
Favorite Day
Rocks
[television] Is A Great Medium For Writers, Because There's Just No Time For A Studio To Interfere Very Long. You Write It, You Shoot It; It's On Tv.
Writing
Long
Television
We Should Leave People Alone About Their Weight. Being Skinny For A While (provided You Actually Eat Food And Don't Take Pills Or Smoke To Get There) Is A Perfectly Fine Pastime. Everyone Should Try It Once, Like A Super-short Haircut Or Dating A White Guy.
White
People
Dating
I Didn't Get On Tv Until I Was 30, Which Is Really Fortunate Because You Are Who You Are At That Point.
Tvs
Fortunate
Who You Are
At The Request Of The Catholic Church, A Three-day Sex Orgy To Be Held Near Rio De Janeiro Was Cancelled Last Friday. So Instead I Spent The Weekend Cleaning My Apartment.
Funny
Friday
Sex
There Are So Many Quiet Times You Spend As A Mother That Aren't Glorified But Are A Foundation For Your Kids. No Matter What, There Was Always A Thick Safety Net Under This Trapeze.
Mother
Kids
Safety
The Ladies Of Comedy Now Are Comfortable Dressing Up. It's Not Forbidden Anymore.
Dressing Up
Comedy
Forbidden
I Don't Like A Tremendous Amount Of Conflict. I Don't Think That Fighting And Passion Are The Same Thing.
Passion
Fighting
Thinking
That Turned-up Collar. The Jacket That Zipped All The Way Down The Front Into A Nice Fitted Shape. The White Denim That Made My Untanned Skin Look Like A Color.
Nice
White
Color
I Think Someone Should Design Exercise Machines That Reward People With Sex At The End Of Their Workouts, Because People Will Perform Superhuman Feats For Even The Faint Hope Of That.
Funny
Workout
Sex
There's A Drunk Midget In My House Ah, Babies! They're More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts. Like Most People Who Have Had One Baby, I Am An Expert On Everythiing And Will Tell You, Unsolicited, How To Raise Your Kid!
Baby
Kids
Adorable
Maternity Leave Is Over For Tina Fey Of Saturday Night Live. She'll Be Back Behind The Weekend Update Anchor Desk For This Week's Episode, Her First Show Since Giving Birth To Daughter Alice On Sept. 10. I Had To Get Back To Work, .. Nbc Has Me Under Contract; The Baby And I Have Only A Verbal Agreement.
Daughter
Baby
Weekend
"30 Rock" Is Over, So I Definitely Aspire To Write Another Movie Again; Eventually, Will Try To Pitch Something For Television Again.
Writing
Rocks
Trying
Growing Up As A Girl Is Always Traumatizing, Especially When You Have The Deadly Combination Of Greasy Skin And Getting Your Boobs At Ten. But I Think It's Good To Grow Up That Way. It Builds Character.
Funny
Girl
Growing Up
"admission" Is Paul Weitz's Movie. This Is Karen Croner - The Screenwriter's - Movie. To Have Such A Lovely Role In Such A Beautifully Written Script Offered To Me, It's Like Elves Made The Shoes.
Shoes
Lovely
Roles
It's Easy To Fall Into The Trap Of Just Cranking Out Things That Are Good Enough To Sell.
Fall
Easy
Good Enough
Thomas Jefferson—another Gorgeous White Boy Who Would Not Have Been Interested In Me. This Was My Problem In A Nutshell. To Get Some Play In Charlottesville, You Had To Be Either A Martha Jefferson Or A Sally Hemings.
Boys
Play
White
You Can Tell How Smart People Are By What They Laugh At.
Witty
Smart
Humor
A New Study Suggests That Middle-aged Adults Who Go On Periodic Drinking Binges May Face A Heightened Risk Of Dementia Later On In Life. The Study Is Entitled, 'national Strategy For Victory In Iraq.'
Drinking
Iraq
Risk
...nothing Is Creepier Than A Bunch Of Adults Being Very Quiet.
Adults
Quiet
Bunch
I Feel About Photoshop The Way Some People Feel About Abortion. It Is Appalling And A Tragic Reflection On The Moral Decay Of Our Society…unless I Need It, In Which Case, Everybody Be Cool.
Reflection
People
Abortion
You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go.
Overthinking
Games
Let It Go
Start With A 'yes', And See Where That Takes You.
Bossypants
Only In Comedy, By The Way, Does An Obedient White Girl From The Suburbs Count As Diversity.
Girl
White
Diversity
Even When I Was At 'snl,' I Didn't Do Impersonations. I Always Wanted To Be The Kind Of Person Who Could Do Them - I Always Thought They Were The Coolest Thing On The Show - But I Didn't Have Any Experience.
Kind
Snl
Shows
If You Are Capable People Are Happy To Play With You.
Play
People
Ifs
I Have Two Daughters, And We Live Here In Manhattan, And Having Gone Through The Manhattan Kindergarten Application Process, Nothing Will Ever Rival The Stress Of That.
Daughter
Stress
Two
Saudi Arabian Police Arrested Seven Teenage Boys For Leering At Women. In Accordance With Saudi Law, The Boys Will Be Whipped And The Women Will Be Stoned To Death.
Teenage
Boys
Law
Finally The World Would See My Full Range Of Comedy Characters - From Grouchy Librarian To Russian Librarian.
Character
World
Comedy
Many Of The World's Greatest Discoveries Have Been By Accident. I Mean, Look At The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Or Botox.
Mean
Discovery
Peanut Butter
It's Hard To Get Laughs When You're New.
Laughing
Am I Just Chasing It Because It's The Hardest Thing For Me To Get And I Want To Prove I Can Do It?
Want
Chasing
Hardest
Now Let Me Be Clear; Millions Of Women Around The World Nurse Their Children Beautifully For Years Without Giving Anybody Else A Hard Time About It. Teat Nazis Are A Solely Western Upper-middle-class Phenomenon Occurring When Highly Ambitious Women Experience Deprivation From Outside Modes Of Achievement.
Children
Hard Times
Years
...the Music Seems Creepy, Like When Children Sing In A Horror Movie
Children
Creepy
Horror
Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.
Worthwhile
Initiation
I Hope For His Sake That Tracy's Apology Will Be Accepted As Sincere By His Gay And Lesbian Coworkers At 30 Rock, Without Whom Tracy Would Not Have Lines To Say, Clothes To Wear, Sets To Stand On, Scene Partners To Act With, Or A Printed-out Paycheck From Accounting To Put In His Pocket.
Apology
Gay
Rocks
If These Two Are Tired Of Having Sex With Each Other, What Hope Is There For The Rest Of Us?
Funny
Sex
Tired
The New York Post Quoted Senator Hillary Clinton Saying That She Would Never Run For President, Declaring "that Is Not Something I'm Going To Be Doing. "which In Clinton Talk Means "i Will Be President In Three Years.
Running
New York
Mean
And I Can See Russia From My House.
Russia
House
Saturday Night Live
In My Experience, The Hardest Thing About Having Someone "come Out" To You Is The "pretending To Be Surprised" Part.
Pretending
Hardest
Hardest Thing
In A Study, Scientists Report That Drinking Beer Can Be Good For The Liver. I'm Sorry, Did I Say 'scientists'? I Meant Irish People.
Funny
Sorry
Party
You Have To Remember That Actors Are Human Beings. Which Is Hard Sometimes Because They Look So Much Better Than Human Beings.
Witty
Looks
Actors
Whenever You See Me, I'm On Antique Quaaludes.
Antiques
Ridiculous
Quaaludes
It's Harder To Make Something Good When You Can't Curse All The Time.
Curse
Harder
‘how Do You Juggle It All?’ People Constantly Ask Me, With An Accusatory Look In Their Eyes. ‘you’re Screwing It All Up, Aren’t You?’ Their Eyes Say. My Standard Answer Is That I Have The Same Struggle As Any Working Parent But With The Good Fortune To Be Working At My Dream Job. Or Sometimes I Just Hand Them A Juicy Red Apple I’ve Poisoned In My Working-mother Witch Cauldron And Fly Away.
Mother
Dream
Jobs
I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.
Funny
Humor
Style
Why Are My Arms So Weak? It's Like I Did That Push-up Last Year For Nothing!
Rocks
Years
Arms
Every Morning, When Alaskans Wake Up, One Of The First Things They Do, Is Look Outside To See If There Are Any Russians Hanging Around. And If There Are, You Gotta Go Up To Them And Ask, 'what Are You Doing Here?' And If They Can't Give You A Good Reason, It's Our Responsibility To Say, You Know, 'shoo! Get Back Over There!'
Morning
Responsibility
Giving
The First Time I Went To See A Second City Show, I Was In Awe Of Everything. I Just Wanted To Touch The Same Stage That Gilda Radner Had Walked On. It Was Sacred Ground.
Cities
Sacred
Firsts
Tracy: Stop Eating People's Old French Fries, Little Pigeon. Have Some Self-respect. Don't You Know You Can Fly?
Rocks
Self
People
The Same Ten Minutes That Magazines Urge Me To Use For Sit-ups And Triceps Dips, I Used For Sobbing.
Use
Magazines
Dip
I Feel Like There Is A Lot Of Inherent Humor In The Stress And Insanity Surrounding That Process. People Lose Their Minds, Trying To Prove Their Parental Worth By Getting Their Children Into One Of Five Colleges; When There Are Thousands Of Good Colleges Across The United States - And Elsewhere.
Children
Stress
College
Whitney Houston’s Cover Of “i Will Always Love You” Was Constantly On My Fm Walkman Radio Around That Time. I Think That Made Me Cry Because I Associated It With Absolutely No One.
Witty
Love You
Thinking
You Don't Just Decide To Destroy A Person By Making Up Stuff, And No One At 'snl' Is Writing To Go After Someone.
Writing
Stuff
Snl
North Korea Threatened To Attack If Sony Pictures Released The Interview, Forcing Us All To Pretend That We Wanted To See It.
Korea
Interviews
Sony
I Never Get To Go To Movies, Because I'm A Mom.
Mom
Your Characters Should Be As Smart As You Are, If Not Smarter.
Smart
Writing
Character
Every Day I Wrote In My Journal: "how Am I Going To Win Today?" So That When The Guys Are Talking About Water-boarding I'm Telling Them They Haven't Even Got The Right Towels.
Winning
Talking
Water
According To A New Study, Women In Satisfying Marriages Are Less Likely To Develop Cardiovascular Diseases Than Unmarried Women. So Don't Worry, Lonely Women, You'll Be Dead Soon.
Lonely
Funny Marriage
Worry
A Harvard Medical School Study Has Determined That Rectal Thermometers Are Still The Best Way To Tell A Baby's Temperature. Plus, It Really Teaches The Baby Who's Boss.
Baby
School
Boss
I Still Want Oprah To Play My Best Friend. I Want To Spend Time With Oprah.
Friendship
Play
My Best Friend
If You Want To Make An Audience Laugh, You Dress A Man Up Like An Old Lady And Push Her Down The Stairs. If You Want To Make Comedy Writers Laugh, You Push An Actual Old Lady Down The Stairs.
Funny
Humor
Men
I Would Not Trade Any Of These Features For Anybody Else’s. I Wouldn’t Trade The Small Thin-lipped Mouth That Makes Me Resemble My Nephew. I Wouldn’t Even Trade The Acne Scar On My Right Cheek, Because That Recurring Zit Spent More Time With Me In College Than Any Boy Ever Did.
Boys
College
Nephew
Don’t Waste Your Energy Trying To Educate Or Change Opinions; Go Over, Under, Through, And Opinions Will Change Organically When You’re The Boss. Or They Won’t. Who Cares? Do Your Thing, And Don’t Care If They Like It.
Motivational
Inspiring
Leadership
It's Like Being A Little Kid Again, Parading Around In A Nightgown Tucked Into Your Underpants, Believing It Looks Terrific.
Believe
Kids
Looks
I Don't Want To Be Somebody Else.
Want
It Has Been Said That To Write Is To Live Forever. The Man Who Said That Is Dead.
Philosophical
Writing
Men
And Don't Think That By Eating Freedom Fries You Are Being Patriotic And Helping The War Effort. Use Less Gasoline, Read A Newspaper. You Know What, How About We Cool It With The Freedom Fries Anyway You Fat Asses. We're The Fattest Country In The World. Have You Ever Walked Around An American Mall? It's Nothing But Chick Fillets And Lane Bryant Track Suits Busting At The Seams.
Country
War
Patriotic
Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.
Drinking
People
Water
I Don't Weigh Myself. I Just Go By If My Clothes Fit. I Try Not To Participate Too Much In The Incredible Amount Of Wasted Energy That Women Have Around Dealing With Food. I Just Feel Like Being Healthy Is Sort Of A Job Requirement To Be On Tv, And Being A Writer Is So Much Coping With Fatigue And Stress, And You Just Eat. You Eat To Stay Awake.
Jobs
Stress
Clothes
Whatever The Problem - Be Part Of The Solution
Problem
Solutions
Bossypants
Amy Poehler And I Have Been Friends For So Long, We're Like Oprah And Gale. Only We're Not Denying Anything.
Funny
Humor
Long
Being A Mom Has Made Me So Tired. And So Happy.
Inspiring
Mom
Mother
Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable. For Sketch Writers, Remember They're Called Sketches For A Reason. They're Not Called Oil Paintings. Some Of Them Are Going To Stink. You Have To Let Them Stink.
Writing
Oil
Painting
I Am Extremely Square And Obedient In Nature!
Squares
Obedient
Pissing In Jars, They Had Never Been Handed A Fifteen-year-old Kotex Product By The School Nurse. But They Trusted Me And Paula, So I'm Proud To Say We Made
School
Years
Nurse
Ah, Babies! They’re More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts.
Baby
Humor
Adorable
Last Night The Taliban Offered To Release Eight Westerners If The U.s. Promised Not To Attack. The State Department Declined But Thanked The Taliban For The Offer, Saying It Really Felt Good To Laugh Again.
Night
Eight
Laughing
It’s The Same Reason I Don’t Get Hooters. Why Do We Need To Enjoy Chicken Wings And Boobies At The Same Time? Yes, They Are A Natural And Beautiful Part Of The Human Experience. And So Are Boobies. But Why At The Same Time?
Beautiful
Wings
Needs
[please Let My Daughter] Not Have To Wear High Heels.
Daughter
High Heels
Please
Now If You're Not „hot”, You Are Expected To Work On It Until You Are. It's Like When You Renovate A House And You're Legally Required To Leave Just One Of The Original Walls Standing. If You Don't Have A Good Body You Have Down To A Neutral Shape, Then Bolt On Some Breast Implants, Replace Your Teeth, Dye You Hair, And Call Yourself The Playmate Of The Year. How Do We Survive This? How Do We Teach Our Daughters And Our Gay Sons That They Are Good Enough The Way They Are? We Have To Lead By Example.
Daughter
Wall
Son
Boyhood Proves That There's Still Good Roles For Women Over 40, As Long As You Get Hired When You're Under 40.
Long
Roles
Boyhood
If You're An Actor And You Don't Get Cast In Stuff A Lot, Then Put Together A Show Or Hold Play-reading Nights At Your Apartment. Make Your Own Opportunities.
Reading
Opportunity
Night
Pentagon Records Show That At Least 8,000 Members Of The All-volunteer U.s. Army Have Deserted Since The Iraq War Began. Hey, At Least Somebody Has An Exit Strategy.
War
Army
Iraq
The Upsides Of Acting In Things Is Mostly Getting Your Hair Done And Having People Give You Clothes. So As Long As You Can Have A Little Bit Of That In Your Life, Then It's Just As Delightful To Be Behind Camera.
Hair
Clothes
Long
You Must Not Look In That Mirror At Your Doughy Legs And Flat Feet, For Today Is About Dreams And Illusions, And Unfiltered Natural Daylight Is The Enemy Of Dreams.
Dream
Witty
Mirrors
I Had A Gentleman In College Tell Me, During A Date, That I Could Be Really Pretty If I Lost Some Weight. On A Date!
College
Gentleman
Weight
At Some Point, You Realize That People Might Be Laughing At Your Jokes Because They're Afraid Not To Laugh.
People
Laughing
Realizing
Most Of My Work Is Done Before We Start Shooting, Preparation Work, So My Normal Day Begins When I Start Writing, It Might Even Be The Night Before.
Writing
Night
Preparation
It Is An Impressively Arrogant Move To Conclude That Just Because You Don’t Like Something, It Is Empirically Not Good. I Don’t Like Chinese Food, But I Don’t Write Articles Trying To Prove It Doesn’t Exist.
Witty
Moving
Writing
The Thing That Always Fascinated Me About Improv Is That It's Basically A Happy Accident That You Think You're Initiating.
Thinking
Happy Accidents
Accidents
You Can Fix It As Soon As You Get Up - You Brush And Use Mouthwash - But There’s Something About Knowing You Woke Up With Hot-mothball Mouth That Makes You Feel Old. I Think God Designed Our Mouths To Die First To Help Us Slowly Transition To The Grave.
Thinking
Knowing
Transition
I Think Part Of Picking Where You Live In New York Is Accepting Who You Are. Really Looking At Yourself And Going, 'yeah, I'm Not Cool Enough For The West Village.'
New York
Thinking
Where You Live
You Go Through Big Chunks Of Time Where You're Just Thinking, 'this Is Impossible - Oh,this Is Impossible'. And Then You Just Keep Going And Keep Going, And You Sort Of Do The Impossible.
Inspiring
Humor
Parenting
Sometimes I'll Be Telling My Husband, 'i Think I'm Cracking Up'. Sometimes You Just Need A Minute To Say, 'i Think I'm Cracking' And Just Acknowledge It.
Mom
Husband
Thinking
I Have A Suspicion That The Definition Of "crazy" In Show Business Is A Woman Who Keeps Talking Even After No One Wants To F*** [sleep With Her] Anymore.
Crazy
Sleep
Talking
When I Was Going To School In, Like, '84 To '88, You Didn't Have Cell Phones. There Was No E-mail, If You Can Wrap Your Brain Around That.
School
Phones
Cells
You Transition As A Mother From Literally Just Pulling A Booger Out Of That Person's Nose Whenever You See One Until At Some Point They Assert: "no, I'm A Person. You Can't Fix My Underpants On The Subway."
Mother
Transition
Noses
Researches Reported That They Developed A Self-healing Plastic That Repairs Itself If Cracked. The Plastic Will Change The Way Airplanes Are Built And Medicine Is Practiced. In A Related Story, Joan Rivers Will Never Die.
Funny
Change
Healing
I Had To Get Back To Work... Nbc Has Me Under Contract; The Baby And I Only Have A Verbal Agreement.
Funny
Mom
Baby
It Doesn't Matter If It's A School Play Or A Dumb Tv Show. It's Your Work. You Should Care About It So Much That People Get Annoyed With You.
School
Tv Shows
Play
Somewhere Around The Fifth Or Seventh Grade I Figured Out That I Could Ingratiate Myself To People By Making Them Laugh. Essentially, I Was Just Trying To Make Them Like Me. But After A While It Became Part Of My Identity.
Laughing
People
Trying
It’s No More Dangerous To Society Than A Radio Broadcast Of The War Of The Worlds.
War
World
Radio
Anne Hathaway You Gave A Stunning Performance In "les Miserables." I Have Not Seen Someone So Totally Alone And Abandoned Like That Since You Were Onstage With James Franco At The Oscars.
Oscars
Abandoned
Stunning
You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.
Business
Competition
Another Woman
Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue. In What Other Profession Would You Brag About Not Knowing Stuff? “i’m Not One Of Those Fancy Harvard Heart Surgeons. I’m Just An Unlicensed Plumber With A Dream And I’d Like To Cut Your Chest Open.” The Crowd Cheers.
Dream
Witty
Jobs
I'm A Big Fan Of 'the Office,' Both The British And The American Versions.
Office
Fans
Bigs
I Work, And Then Whenever I Have Any Other Time, I'm With My Daughter, And Then I Go To Sleep. I Think You Basically Have To Abandon The Dreams Of Having Any Other Adult Activities In Your Life. You Have To Go To Sleep Whenever Your Child Goes To Sleep. That's Basically How We're Doing It.
Daughter
Mother
Dream
In Washington, Officials From The National Rifle Association Met With A Group Of High School Students. There Were No Survivors.
Funny
School
Humor
What Turning Forty Means To Me I Need To Take My Pants Off As Soon As I Get Home. I Didn't Used To Have To Do That. But Now I Do.
Women
Home
Mean
Obviously, As An Adult I Realize This Girl-on-girl Sabotage Is The Third Worst Kind Of Female Behavior, Right Behind Saying "like" All The Time And Leaving Your Baby In A Dumpster.
Funny
Girl
Witty
To Say I’m An Overrated Troll, When You Have Never Even Seen Me Guard A Bridge, Is Patently Unfair.
Witty
Bridges
Troll
I Love To Play Strippers And To Imitate Them. I Love Using That Idea For Comedy, But The Idea Of Actually Going There? I Feel Like We All Need To Be Better Than That. That Industry Needs To Die, By All Of Us Being A Little Bit Better Than That.
Play
Ideas
Needs
You Can’t Be That Kid Standing At The Top Of The Waterslide, Overthinking It. You Have To Go Down The Chute.
Strong Women
Witty
Funny Inspirational
The Washington State Supreme Court On Thursday Announced A Two-year Suspension For A Lawyer Found Having Jailhouse Sex With A Triple Murder Defendant She Was Representing. Haha! Jokes On You Dummies... I'm Not Really A Lawyer!
Funny
Sex
Humor
It Will Never Be Perfect, But Perfect Is Overrated. Perfect Is Boring On Live Tv.
Witty
Perfect
Tvs
If A Bout Of "creepy Face" Sets In, The Trick Is To Look Away From The Camera Between Shots And Turn Back Only When Necessary. This Also Limits How Much Of Your Soul The Camera Can Steal.
Soul
Creepy
Cameras
Television Is A Runaway Train That You Have To Get On For Nine Months Of The Year. But At The Same Time, It Has A Wonderful Immediacy.
Years
Television
Nine
Sleep When Your Baby Sleeps. Everyone Knows This Classic Tip, But I Say Why Stop There? Scream When Your Baby Screams. Take Benadryl When Your Baby Takes Benadryl. And Walk Around Pantless When Your Baby Walks Around Pantless.
Baby
Sleep
Classic
Ladies Gotta Say No To Their Husbands At The Movies. They Gotta Say: "no, We Are Watching Back-to-back Cancer Movies. And Then This Movie About A Cat."
Funny
Husband
Cancer
For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us, Unless You Believe In Evolution. Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing Is A Disaster.
Believe
Conservative
Evolution
One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.
Girl
Cousin
Numbers
North Korea Referred To The Interview As Absolutely Intolerable And A Wanton Act Of Terror. Even More Amazing: Not The Worst Review The Movie Got.
Korea
Interviews
Reviews
If You Care About [the Characters] As If They Were Real, That Always Helps.
Real
Character
Care
It's Not Vanity, Because If You Look Weird, It Will Distract From What Your Trying To Do. If You Look As Good As You Can, People Will Be Able To Pay Attention To What Your Actually Saying.
Vanity
People
Trying
I Definitely Think Of Myself Still As A Writer First, And Feel Like - With The Lucky Exception Of This - Any Acting Opportunity I've Gotten Is Usually Because I Was Writing On It. This Is Like A Wonderful Vacation. If You've Ever Sat In A Writers' Room It's The Most Disgusting, Tortuous Place, So It's A Treat To Be Treated Like A Movie Actor.
Writing
Opportunity
Thinking
You All Watched A Sketch About Feminism And You Didn't Even Know It Because Of All The Jokes. It's Like When Jessica Seinfeld Puts Spinach In Kids' Brownies. Suckers!
Kids
Feminism
Spinach
The More New Yorkers Like Something, The More Disgusted They Are. "the Kitchen Was All Sub-zero: I Want To Kill Myself. The Building Has A Playroom That Makes You Want To Break Your Own Jaw With A Golf Club. I Can't Take It.
Zero
Golf
Kitchen
I'm Still Technically Employed By The National Broadcasting Company.
Broadcasting
Company
Employed
You Can't Control Things By Being Nervous.
Nervous
In Afghanistan This Week, Outnumbered Northern Alliance Rebels On Horseback Defeated Taliban Forces Armed With Tanks. Experts Say The Victory Is Just Like The Story Of David And Goliath And David's Friend, The Stealth Bomber.
Victory
Rebel
Experts
I Think The Philosophy Will Continue To Be What It Always Was; Which Was, Let's Keep Throwing A Bunch Of Things At The Wall, And See What Sticks.
Wall
Philosophy
Thinking
This Week, Penny Collector Gene Sukie Went To The Bank And Cashed In Ten Thousand Pounds Of Pennies He Had Collected Over 34 Years, Which Were Worth Over Fourteen Thousand Dollars. And, Of Course, I Was In Line Behind Him.
Funny
Humor
Years
I Have No Affinity For Animals. I Don’t Hate Animals And I Would Never Hurt An Animal; I Just Don’t Actively Care About Them. When A Coworker Shows Me Cute Pictures Of Her Dog, I Struggle To Respond Correctly, Like An Autistic Person Who Has Been Taught To Recognize Human Emotions From Flash Cards. In Short, I Am The Worst.
Cute
Dog
Hurt
If You Watch [the] Search For Signs Of Intelligent Life [in The Universe], Or The Incredible Shrinking Woman, Or 9 To 5, There Is A Lot Of Gender Politics At The Forefront Of Lily Tomlin Work, Which Was Kind Of Thrilling For Me To Be Watching As A 10-, 11-, 12-year-old Kid.
Kids
Intelligent
Years
I Was Like, Oh, I Want To Sign Up For "catwoman," And Then Anne Hathaway Had Already Signed Up For It.
Want
Catwoman
Now Every Girl Is Expected To Have: Caucasian Blue Eyes, Full Spanish Lips, A Classic Button Nose, Hairless Asian Skin With A California Tan, A Jamaican Dance Hall Ass, Long Swedish Legs, Small Japanese Feet, The Abs Of A Lesbian Gym Owner, The Hips Of A Nine-year-old Boy, The Arms Of Michelle Obama, And Doll Tits. The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes.
Girl
Sarcastic
Athlete
If You Are A Woman And You Bought This Book For Practical Tips On How To Make It In A Male-dominated Workplace, Here They Are. No Pigtails, No Tube Tops. Cry Sparingly. (some People Say “never Let Them See You Cry.” I Say, If You’re So Mad You Could Just Cry, Then Cry. It Terrifies Everyone.)
Book
People
Mad
I Was A Little Excited But Mostly Blorft. "blorft" Is An Adjective I Just Made Up That Means 'completely Overwhelmed But Proceeding As If Everything Is Fine And Reacting To The Stress With The Torpor Of A Possum.' I Have Been Blorft Every Day For The Past Seven Years.
Witty
Stress
Mean
Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.
Witty
Being Yourself
Badass
And, You Know, Politics Aside, The Success Of Sarah Palin And Women Like Her Is Good For All Women - Except, Of Course - Those Who Will End Up, You Know, Like, Paying For Their Own Rape 'kit 'n' Stuff. But For Everybody Else, It's A Win-win. Unless You're A Gay Woman Who Wants To Marry Your Partner Of 20 Years - Whatever. But For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us. Unless You Believe In Evolution. You Know - Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing's A Disaster.
Believe
Gay
Winning
In An Interview, Paris Hilton Said That Of Her And Her Sister, "people Love To Hate Us. But When You Know Us, You Love Us. And If You Really Get To Know Us, You Get Gonorrhea."
Funny
Hate
Humor
Anyone Who Knows Me Will Tell You That I Am All About Money. I Mean, Just Look How Well My Line Of Zodiac-inspired Toe Rings And Homeopathic Children's Medications Are Selling On Home Shopping Network.
Funny
Children
Home
I Learned Quickly That Trying To Force Country Folk To Love The Big City Is Like Telling Your Gay Cousin, "you Just Haven't Met The Right Girl Yet.
Girl
Country
Cousin
This Worked Out Perfectly For Me In College, Because What Nineteen-year-old Virginia Boy Doesn't Want A Wide-hipped, Sarcastic Greek Girl With Short Hair That's Permed On Top? What's That You Say? None Of Them Want That? You Are Correct.
Girl
Sarcastic
Boys
This January, Kevin Costner Will Be Honored By The Palm Springs International Film Festival For His Contribution To Film. This Gives Costner Just Two Months To Make A Contribution To Film.
Spring
Two
Giving
In An Attempt To Make Things Easier For Myself, Which Is The Basis For All Of History's Worst Decisions [...].
Decision
Easier
Worst
If You Retain Nothing Else, Always Remember The Most Important Rule Of Beauty. “who Cares?”
Inspirational
Inspiring
Hilarious
You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.
Sweating
My Parents Raised Me That You Never Ask People About Their Reproductive Plans. “you Don’t Know Their Situation,” My Mom Would Say. I Considered It Such An Impolite Question That For Years I Didn’t Even Ask Myself. Thirty-five Turned Into Forty Faster Than Mcdonald’s Food Turns Into Cold Nonfood.
Mom
Mcdonalds
Years
I Grew Up In A Family Of Republicans. And When I Was 18 And Registering To Vote, My Mom’s Only Instruction Was ‘you Just Go In And Pull The Big Republican Lever.’ That’s My Welcome To Adulthood. She’s Like, ‘no, Don’t Even Read It. Just Pull The Republican Lever.
Mom
Levers
Welcome
Sometimes, You Can Feel Or See How A Movie Can... How You Can Do It. Sometimes It's Just Like Seeing, "can That Work? Will People Buy That? Can We Do That?" And All Those Checkmarks.
People
Sometimes
Feels
I Want To Spend Time With Oprah And I Don't Know What I Need To Do To Make That Happen.
Needs
Want
Spend Time
Instead Of Trying To Fit An Impossible Ideal, I Took A Personal Inventory Of All My Healthy Body Parts For Which I Am Grateful: Straight Greek Eyebrows. They Start At The Hairline At My Temple And, Left Unchecked, Will Grow Straight Across My Face And Onto Yours.
Grateful
Eyebrows
Greek
My Parents Are Very Well-behaved. If Anything, If My Mom Were Here Right Now, She Would Hug And Kiss Every One Of You Hello, And Then She Would Feed You.
Mom
Kissing
Parent
I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.
Actors
Used
Havens
You Know Who Does Have A Funny Bone In Her Body? Your Mom Every Night For A Dollar.
Mom
Night
Doe
I Was The Editor Of The School Newspaper And In Drama Club And Choir, So I Was Not A Popular Girl In The Traditional Sense, But I Think I Was Known For Being Relatively Scathing.
Funny
Girl
Drama
I Keep My Eyes On The Sea, Waiting To Be Rocketed Into It On A Wave Of Fire. I'll Be Ready For It To Happen And That Way It Won't Happen. It's A Burden, Being Able To Control Situations With My Hyper-vigilance, But Its My Lot In Life.
Eye
Fire
Sea
I'm Married, You Know. I Love My Husband And I Have A Child.
Husband
Children
Married
...i Can't Possibly Take Time Off For A Second Baby, Unless I Do, In Which Case That Is Nobody's Business And I'll Never Regret It For A Moment Unless It Ruins My Life.
Baby
Regret
Ruins
Wafah Dufour Bin Laden, Niece Of Osama Bin Laden Has Signed A Contract To Star In A Reality Show... Called Skating With The Nieces Of Terrorists.
Funny
Stars
Niece
It Was Reported That Guy Ritchie Has Cast His Wife Madonna In A Small Walk-on Role In His New Movie, Revolver. Madonna Will Play The Part Of The Woman Who Ruins The Film.
Funny
Humor
Play
I Want Every Day To Be The Most Boring News Day Ever. I Want Every Day To Be About Spelling Bee Champions And Baby Basketball. It's Better To Have No Comedy Material Than A Horrific News Day.
Basketball
Baby
Champion
I Think People Fetishize Glasses In General. You Could Put Glasses On A Rotting Pumpkin And People Would Think It Was Sexy.
Sexy
Thinking
Glasses
You All Have Got To Stop Calling Each Other Sluts And Whores. It Only Makes It Okay For Guys To Call You Sluts And Whores.
Mean Girls
Guy
Fetch
When A Man Plays A Woman In A Dress, You're Halfway There. It's Inherently Funny. When A Woman Plays A Man, For Whatever Reason, It's Not That Instant Kind Of Funny.
Men
Halfway There
Play
I Think The Web Is, You Know, Things Like Youtube And Stuff Are Absolutely Where A Lot Of Younger People Are Watching Their Tv On Itunes In The Web And Youtube, Whatever. So, I Think It's An Important Place To Have A Presence.
Thinking
People
Important
This Is What I Tell Young Women Who Ask Me For Career Advice. People Are Going To Try To Trick You. To Make You Feel That You Are In Competition With One Another. You're Up For A Promotion. If They Go For A Woman, It'll Be Between You And Barbara. Don't Be Fooled. You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.
Witty
Careers
People
In Into The Woods, Cinderella Runs From Her Prince, Rapunzel Is Thrown From A Tower For Her Prince, And Sleeping Beauty Just Thought She Was Getting Coffee With Bill Cosby.
Running
Coffee
Sleep
I Want To Go To There.
Funny
Desire
Phrases
I’ve Always Been Able To Tell A Lot About People By Whether They Ask Me About My Scar. Most People Never Ask, But If It Comes Up Naturally Somehow And I Offer Up The Story, They Are Quite Interested. Some People Are Just Dumb: 'did A Cat Scratch You?' God Bless. Those Sweet Dumdums I Never Mind. Sometimes It Is A Fun Sociology Litmus Test, Like When My Friend Ricky Asked Me, 'did They Ever Catch The Black Guy That Did That To You?' Hmmm. It Was Not A Black Guy, Ricky, And I Never Said It Was.
Sweet
Fun
Cat
Most Of The Time You're Too Busy To Think About It. But Every Now And Then You Say, 'i Work At 'saturday Night Live,' And That Is So Cool.
Night
Thinking
Busy
I Like To Crack The Jokes Now And Again, But It's Only Because I Struggle With Math.
Inspirational
Funny
Struggle
I Don't Really Have A Nemesis, But I Have A Series Of Hundreds Of Small Enemies That Fuel Me. Everyone I Meet I Assume Is Out To Get Me And That Fuels My Fire On A Daily Basis.
Fire
Enemy
Fuel
When Humor Works, It Works Because It's Clarifying What People Already Feel. It Has To Come From Someplace Real.
Real
People
Working It
Then She Took Out A Speculum The Size Of A Milk Shake Machine. Even Michelle Duggar Would Have Flinched At This Thing, But I Had Never Seen One Before.
Machines
Milk
Size
I Do Like To Start On Time; I Like To Set The Bar High For People.
People
Bars
When Hiring, Mix Harvard Nerds With Chicago Improvisers And Stir.
Nerd
Chicago
Harvard
For My First Show At 'snl', I Wrote A Bill Clinton Sketch, And During Our Read-through, It Wasn't Getting Any Laughs. This Weight Of Embarrassment Came Over Me, And I Felt Like I Was Sweating From My Spine Out. But I Realized, 'okay, That Happened, And I Did Not Die.' You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.
Inspirational
Laughing
Bills
I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.
Art
Thinking
Dying
An Interim Government Was Set Up In Afghanistan. It Included Two Women, One Of Whom Was Minister Of Women's Affairs. Man, Who'd She Have To Show Here Ankles To To Get That Job?
Funny
Jobs
Humor
Trending Author
Joy Behar
Douglas Engelbart
John Glenn
Michael P. Anderson
Nate Silver
Karl Rove
Category
Information