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I Prefer The Retro Chic Of Spending Christmas Just Like Joseph And Mary Did - Traveling Arduously Back To The Place Of Your Birth To Be Counted, With No Guarantee Of A Bed When You Get There.

-Tina Fey

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I Prefer The Retro

Tina Fey

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I Prefer The Retro Chic Of Spending Christmas Just Like Joseph And Mary Did - Traveling Arduously Back To The Place Of Your Birth To Be Counted, With No Guarantee Of A Bed When You Get There.

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No Other Formula Gives Your Baby A Better Start In Life Except That Stuff That Comes Out Of You For Free.

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Whatever The Problem, Be Part Of The Solution. Don’t Just Sit Around Raising Questions And Pointing Out Obstacles.

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In Real Life, People In The Most Dire Situations Must Cope Through Humor.

I'm Not That Good Looking... Nobody Is That Good Looking. I Have Seen A Lot Of Movie Stars, And Maybe Four Are Amazing Looking. The Rest Have A Team Of Gay Guys Who Make It Happen.

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Am I Just Chasing It Because It's The Hardest Thing For Me To Get And I Want To Prove I Can Do It?

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Control Of Your Life

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I Went Through A Phase Where I Was Sick Of Acting, I Didn't Want To Do It Anymore, I Was Bored With It And Then I Tried Directing A Movie And I Was Like: "shoot, Get Back Over There!" It Made Me Appreciate Acting More.

I Went To The University Of Virginia And I Came From, I Grew Up In Suburban Philadelphia.

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When I Started On 'saturday Night Live,' I Had The Choice Of Wearing Contact Lenses, Which I Had Never Worn Before, Or Glasses, In Order To Be Able To Read The Cue Cards.

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I Don't Like A Tremendous Amount Of Conflict. I Don't Think That Fighting And Passion Are The Same Thing.

This Made No Sense To Me, Probably Because I Speak English And Have Never Had A Head Injury.

I Love To Play Strippers And To Imitate Them. I Love Using That Idea For Comedy, But The Idea Of Actually Going There? I Feel Like We All Need To Be Better Than That. That Industry Needs To Die, By All Of Us Being A Little Bit Better Than That.

Just Say Yes And You'll Figure It Out Afterwards.

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When I Turned 50, I Looked In The Mirror And I Thought: "hey, This Isn't The Dress Rehearsal, This Is Life And I Don't Know How Much Longer I'm Going To Have!"

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

I Want To Thank My Parents For Somehow Raising Me To Have Confidence That Is Disproportionate With My Looks And Abilities.

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I Had To Get Back To Work... Nbc Has Me Under Contract; The Baby And I Only Have A Verbal Agreement.

To Me Yes, And Means Don't Be Afraid To Contribute. Always Make Sure You're Adding Something To The Discussion. Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

Whenever You See Me, I'm On Antique Quaaludes.

Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

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...nothing Is Creepier Than A Bunch Of Adults Being Very Quiet.

I Don't Know How Many More Movies I'm Going To Get The Opportunity To Make And I Don't Want To Look Back And Go: "man, I Just Floated Through That One." Or: "i Did That One For The Money." I Want To Be Able To Say That I Worked As A Hard As I Could And I Did The Best Work That I Could Do.

I Want To Go To There.

Ah, Babies! They’re More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts.

As An Improviser, I Always Find It Jarring When I Meet Someone In Real Life Whose First Answer Is No. “no, We Can’t Do That.” “no, That’s Not In The Budget.” “no, I Will Not Hold Your Hand For A Dollar.” What Kind Of Way Is That To Live?

If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine, No One Would Have Sex Tapes.

Why Are My Arms So Weak? It's Like I Did That Push-up Last Year For Nothing!

I Was Ten. I Had Noticed Something Was Weird Earlier In The Day, But I Knew From Commercials That One's Menstrual Period Was A Blue Liquid That You Poured Like Laundry Detergent Onto Maxi Pads To Test Their Absorbency. This Wasn't Blue, So... I Ignored It For A Few Hours.

Yeah, It's Tough Being Smart And Sexy, Too. I Have To Say, I'm Really Not That Attractive. Until I Met My Husband, I Could Not Get A Date. I Promise You It's True. My Husband Jeff Richmond Saw A Diamond In The Rough And Took Me In.

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Anyone Who Knows Me Will Tell You That I Am All About Money. I Mean, Just Look How Well My Line Of Zodiac-inspired Toe Rings And Homeopathic Children's Medications Are Selling On Home Shopping Network.

I Don't Really Have A Nemesis, But I Have A Series Of Hundreds Of Small Enemies That Fuel Me. Everyone I Meet I Assume Is Out To Get Me And That Fuels My Fire On A Daily Basis.

Photoshop Is Just Like Makeup. When It’s Done Well It Looks Great, And When It’s Overdone You Look Like A Crazy Asshole.

And I Can See Russia From My House.

Saturday Night Live

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A Harvard Medical School Study Has Determined That Rectal Thermometers Are Still The Best Way To Tell A Baby's Temperature. Plus, It Really Teaches The Baby Who's Boss.

A New Poll Showed That 66% Of Americans Think President Bush Is Doing A Poor Job Handling The War In Iraq And The Remaining 34% Think That Adam And Eve Rode Dinosaurs To Church.

I Had A Gentleman In College Tell Me, During A Date, That I Could Be Really Pretty If I Lost Some Weight. On A Date!

Sometimes When You're Doing A Comedy, The Director Will Yell Out "alts" And Then The Director Gets The First Laugh.

One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.

In Response To The Escalating Violence In Iraq, President Bush Is Delaying The Return Home Of 25,000 Troops And Will Actually Add Reinforcements To The South. Then In A Symbolic Gesture He Pulled Down The Mission Accomplished Banner, Put On A Flight Suit, Walked Backwards To A Jet Fighter And Flew It In Reverse Off An Aircraft Carrier.

I Have A Suspicion That The Definition Of "crazy" In Show Business Is A Woman Who Keeps Talking Even After No One Wants To F*** [sleep With Her] Anymore.

I'm A Logic Monster, If Things Don't Make Sense I've Gotta Make Sense Of Them. I Enjoy Helping To Develop Material For Movies, It's A Way For Me To Get Into The Part.

When Choosing Sexual Partners, Remember: Talent Is Not Sexually Transmittable.

Some People Say, “never Let Them See You Cry.” I Say, If You’re So Mad You Could Just Cry, Then Cry. It Terrifies Everyone.

The Idea Of Being In Control For The Sake Of Control, Is Not Really Important To Me. If Everyone Is Sharp And Doing, You Know, What They're Doing Well, You Don't Really Need To Be In Control All The Time.

Pissing In Jars, They Had Never Been Handed A Fifteen-year-old Kotex Product By The School Nurse. But They Trusted Me And Paula, So I'm Proud To Say We Made

It Was Reported That The New York Knicks Have Won All 12 Of The Home Games Attended By Magician David Blaine. A Spokesman For The Knicks Said, 'if This Is What It Takes To Win, It's Not Worth It.'

Life Is Improvisation.

I Really Like John Mccain. He's An Awesome Dude And Was A Lot Of Fun When He Hosted "snl." I'd Love To See A Mccain-giuliani "rage" Ticket.

Finally The World Would See My Full Range Of Comedy Characters - From Grouchy Librarian To Russian Librarian.

Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

I Became Immersed In The Cult Of Improvisation. I Was Like One Of Those Athletes Trying To Get Into The Olympics. It Was All About Blind Focus. I Was So Sure That I Was Doing Exactly What I'd Been Put On This Earth To Do, And I Would Have Done Anything To Make It Onto That Stage.

We Should Leave People Alone About Their Weight. Being Chubby For A While (provided You Don’t Give Yourself Diabetes) Is A Natural Phase Of Life And Nothing To Be Ashamed Of. Like Puberty Or Slowly Turning Into A Republican.

The Thing That Always Fascinated Me About Improv Is That It's Basically A Happy Accident That You Think You're Initiating.

Happy Accidents

I Definitely Think Of Myself Still As A Writer First, And Feel Like - With The Lucky Exception Of This - Any Acting Opportunity I've Gotten Is Usually Because I Was Writing On It. This Is Like A Wonderful Vacation. If You've Ever Sat In A Writers' Room It's The Most Disgusting, Tortuous Place, So It's A Treat To Be Treated Like A Movie Actor.

In Real Life These Women Experienced Different Sides Of The Same Sexism Coin. People Who Didn't Like Hillary Called Her A Ballbuster. People Who Didn't Like Sarah Called Her Caribou Barbie. People Attempted To Marginalize These Women Based On Their Gender.

When You Go Into Something Where You Can Really Trust That Everyone Has Thought About It, More Than You Have Even, Then That's Like A Gift.

I Am Extremely Square And Obedient In Nature!

When Humor Works, It Works Because It's Clarifying What People Already Feel. It Has To Come From Someplace Real.

A Recent Study Announced That 52 Per Cent Of All Teens Who Sign Virginity Pledges Recant Them Within Twelve Months. If I'm On My Game.

I Still Want Oprah To Play My Best Friend. I Want To Spend Time With Oprah.

In A Study, Scientists Report That Drinking Beer Can Be Good For The Liver. I'm Sorry, Did I Say 'scientists'? I Meant Irish People.

Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable.

I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.

There Was An Assumption That I Was Personally Attacking Sarah Palin By Impersonating Her On Tv. No One Ever Said It Was 'mean' When Chevy Chase Played Gerald Ford Falling Down All The Time. No One Ever Accused Dana Carvey Or Darrell Hammond Or Dan Aykroyd Of 'going Too Far' In Their Political Impressions. You See What I'm Getting At Here. I Am Not Mean And Mrs. Palin Is Not Fragile. To Imply Otherwise Is A Disservice To Us Both.

I Learned Quickly That Trying To Force Country Folk To Love The Big City Is Like Telling Your Gay Cousin, "you Just Haven't Met The Right Girl Yet.

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