Background Image

...

So, My Unsolicited Advice To Women In The Workplace Is This. When Faced With Sexism, Or Ageism, Or Lookism, Or Even Really Aggressive Buddhism, Ask Yourself The Following Question: “is This Person In Between Me And What I Want To Do?” If The Answer Is No, Ignore It And Move On. Your Energy Is Better Used Doing Your Work And Outpacing People That Way. Then, When You’re In Charge, Don’t Hire The People Who Were Jerky To You.

-Tina Fey

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

So, My Unsolicited Advice

Tina Fey

...

So, My Unsolicited Advice To Women In The Workplace Is This. When Faced With Sexism, Or Ageism, Or Lookism, Or Even Really Aggressive Buddhism, Ask Yourself The Following Question: “is This Person In Between Me And What I Want To Do?” If The Answer Is No, Ignore It And Move On. Your Energy Is Better Used Doing Your Work And Outpacing People That Way. Then, When You’re In Charge, Don’t Hire The People Who Were Jerky To You.

Views: 5

Topic

Funny Motivational

More From Tina Fey

In Most Cases Being A Good Boss Means Hiring Talented People And Then Getting Out Of Their Way.

I Don't Enjoy Any Kind Of Danger Or Volatility. I Don't Have That Kind Of 'i Love The Bad Guys' Thing. No, No Thank You. I Like Nice People.

It’s The Same Reason I Don’t Get Hooters. Why Do We Need To Enjoy Chicken Wings And Boobies At The Same Time? Yes, They Are A Natural And Beautiful Part Of The Human Experience. And So Are Boobies. But Why At The Same Time?

"admission" Is Paul Weitz's Movie. This Is Karen Croner - The Screenwriter's - Movie. To Have Such A Lovely Role In Such A Beautifully Written Script Offered To Me, It's Like Elves Made The Shoes.

No Other Formula Gives Your Baby A Better Start In Life Except That Stuff That Comes Out Of You For Free.

When You Have A Set Of Characters, You Have To Fall In Love With Them And Care About Them As Each Individual Character.

Falling In Love

[television] Is A Great Medium For Writers, Because There's Just No Time For A Studio To Interfere Very Long. You Write It, You Shoot It; It's On Tv.

If You Retain Nothing Else, Always Remember The Most Important Rule Of Beauty. “who Cares?”

And, You Know, Politics Aside, The Success Of Sarah Palin And Women Like Her Is Good For All Women - Except, Of Course - Those Who Will End Up, You Know, Like, Paying For Their Own Rape 'kit 'n' Stuff. But For Everybody Else, It's A Win-win. Unless You're A Gay Woman Who Wants To Marry Your Partner Of 20 Years - Whatever. But For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us. Unless You Believe In Evolution. You Know - Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing's A Disaster.

Read! When Your Baby Is Finally Down For The Night, Pick Up A Juicy Book Like Eat, Pray, Love Or Pride And Prejudice Or My Personal Favorite,understanding Sleep Disorders: Narcolepsy And Apnea; A Clinical Study. Taking Some Time To Read Each Night Really Taught Me How To Feign Narcolepsy When My Husband Asked Me What My "plan" Was For Taking Down The Christmas Tree.

After College, I Knew I Wanted To Work In Comedy, So The First Thing I Did Was Go To Where The Comedy Was. I Moved From Charlottesville To Chicago, Because That's Where The Second City And Improv Olympics Are. You Have To Go Wherever You Need To Go To Study What Interests You.

Don’t Waste Your Energy Trying To Educate Or Change Opinions; Go Over, Under, Through, And Opinions Will Change Organically When You’re The Boss. Or They Won’t. Who Cares? Do Your Thing, And Don’t Care If They Like It.

The Ideal Situation For A Parent Is One That No One Has - Having A Fulfilling Job That Requires You To Work Three Days A Week. It's Better For The Parents, Because They Get To Spend Time With The Children And Also Have A Source Of Pride And Achievement - And Income - Outside The Home.

An Acting Teacher Once Told Me, 'greet Everything With Yes... Even If You Abandon One Idea For Another One, Saying Yes Allows You To Move Forward.'

It's A Great Lesson About Not Being Too Precious About Your Writing. You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go. You Can't Be That Kid Standing At The Top Of The Waterslide, Overthinking It...you Have To Let People See What You Wrote.

Funny Motivational

It Was Scary To Be In That World Of Politics. I Felt Uncomfortable To Be In That Discussion. The Weird Thing Is, When Darrell Hammond Or Will Ferrell Or Dana Carvey Did An Impersonation Of A President, No One Assumed It Was Personal, But Because Sarah Palin And I Are Both Women And People Think Women Are Meaner To Each Other, Everyone Assumed It Was Personal.

Yeah, It's Tough Being Smart And Sexy, Too. I Have To Say, I'm Really Not That Attractive. Until I Met My Husband, I Could Not Get A Date. I Promise You It's True. My Husband Jeff Richmond Saw A Diamond In The Rough And Took Me In.

To Me Yes, And Means Don't Be Afraid To Contribute. Always Make Sure You're Adding Something To The Discussion. Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

Ladies Gotta Say No To Their Husbands At The Movies. They Gotta Say: "no, We Are Watching Back-to-back Cancer Movies. And Then This Movie About A Cat."

[please Let My Daughter] Not Have To Wear High Heels.

At Some Point, You Realize That People Might Be Laughing At Your Jokes Because They're Afraid Not To Laugh.

The Topic Of Working Moms Is A Tap-dance Recital In A Minefield.

I Want Every Day To Be The Most Boring News Day Ever. I Want Every Day To Be About Spelling Bee Champions And Baby Basketball. It's Better To Have No Comedy Material Than A Horrific News Day.

I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.

Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue. In What Other Profession Would You Brag About Not Knowing Stuff? “i’m Not One Of Those Fancy Harvard Heart Surgeons. I’m Just An Unlicensed Plumber With A Dream And I’d Like To Cut Your Chest Open.” The Crowd Cheers.

I Am Going To Dedicate Myself, Full Time, To My Day-drinking.

The Eyes Are The Window To Where The Soul Is Supposed To Be.

You Must Not Look In That Mirror At Your Doughy Legs And Flat Feet, For Today Is About Dreams And Illusions, And Unfiltered Natural Daylight Is The Enemy Of Dreams.

Most Of The Time You're Too Busy To Think About It. But Every Now And Then You Say, 'i Work At 'saturday Night Live,' And That Is So Cool.

There Should Be A New, More Honest Euphemism. Like, I'm Leaving Office Because I Plan To Solicit More Anonymous Sex In Bathrooms.

I Hire People That Are Good, And Aren't Crazy. Or Assholes. Because That Takes Up Too Much Time. There Are Just As Many Good People Who Are Not Crazy.

I Definitely Think Of Myself Still As A Writer First, And Feel Like - With The Lucky Exception Of This - Any Acting Opportunity I've Gotten Is Usually Because I Was Writing On It. This Is Like A Wonderful Vacation. If You've Ever Sat In A Writers' Room It's The Most Disgusting, Tortuous Place, So It's A Treat To Be Treated Like A Movie Actor.

When Humor Works, It Works Because It's Clarifying What People Already Feel. It Has To Come From Someplace Real.

If A Bout Of "creepy Face" Sets In, The Trick Is To Look Away From The Camera Between Shots And Turn Back Only When Necessary. This Also Limits How Much Of Your Soul The Camera Can Steal.

Not Only Is My Wardrobe Totally Average, My Body's Totally Average. I Love All The Candy-fantasy Fulfillment Of Sex And The City.

Amy Poehler And I Have Been Friends For So Long, We're Like Oprah And Gale. Only We're Not Denying Anything.

In Real Life These Women Experienced Different Sides Of The Same Sexism Coin. People Who Didn't Like Hillary Called Her A Ballbuster. People Who Didn't Like Sarah Called Her Caribou Barbie. People Attempted To Marginalize These Women Based On Their Gender.

It's Not Vanity, Because If You Look Weird, It Will Distract From What Your Trying To Do. If You Look As Good As You Can, People Will Be Able To Pay Attention To What Your Actually Saying.

Start With A 'yes', And See Where That Takes You.

I Learned Quickly That Trying To Force Country Folk To Love The Big City Is Like Telling Your Gay Cousin, "you Just Haven't Met The Right Girl Yet.

Acting Is Really About Showing Up That Day And Telling The Writers What You Feel Like Saying.

I Had A Gentleman In College Tell Me, During A Date, That I Could Be Really Pretty If I Lost Some Weight. On A Date!

The Upsides Of Acting In Things Is Mostly Getting Your Hair Done And Having People Give You Clothes. So As Long As You Can Have A Little Bit Of That In Your Life, Then It's Just As Delightful To Be Behind Camera.

Just Say Yes And You'll Figure It Out Afterwards.

I Want To Go To There.

...the Music Seems Creepy, Like When Children Sing In A Horror Movie

Every Day I Wrote In My Journal: "how Am I Going To Win Today?" So That When The Guys Are Talking About Water-boarding I'm Telling Them They Haven't Even Got The Right Towels.

Quentin Tarantino Is Here, Star Of All My Sexual Nightmares.

The Idea Of Being In Control For The Sake Of Control, Is Not Really Important To Me. If Everyone Is Sharp And Doing, You Know, What They're Doing Well, You Don't Really Need To Be In Control All The Time.

I Never Get To Go To Movies, Because I'm A Mom.

I Didn't Get On Tv Until I Was 30, Which Is Really Fortunate Because You Are Who You Are At That Point.

I Keep My Eyes On The Sea, Waiting To Be Rocketed Into It On A Wave Of Fire. I'll Be Ready For It To Happen And That Way It Won't Happen. It's A Burden, Being Able To Control Situations With My Hyper-vigilance, But Its My Lot In Life.

Boyhood Proves That There's Still Good Roles For Women Over 40, As Long As You Get Hired When You're Under 40.

I Really Like John Mccain. He's An Awesome Dude And Was A Lot Of Fun When He Hosted "snl." I'd Love To See A Mccain-giuliani "rage" Ticket.

Being A Mom Has Made Me So Tired. And So Happy.

Twitter Seems Like A Busman's Holiday: Just More Writing. I Have No Plans To Do It. I'll Just Stick With My 24/7 Webcam. I'm Old-fashioned That Way.

I Think The Philosophy Will Continue To Be What It Always Was; Which Was, Let's Keep Throwing A Bunch Of Things At The Wall, And See What Sticks.

When I First Set Out To Ruin Snl, I Didn't Think Anyone Would Notice, But I Persevered Because - Like You Trying To Do A Nine-piece Jigsaw Puzzle - It Was A Labour Of Love.

When I Was Going To School In, Like, '84 To '88, You Didn't Have Cell Phones. There Was No E-mail, If You Can Wrap Your Brain Around That.

When I Started On 'saturday Night Live,' I Had The Choice Of Wearing Contact Lenses, Which I Had Never Worn Before, Or Glasses, In Order To Be Able To Read The Cue Cards.

I Work, And Then Whenever I Have Any Other Time, I'm With My Daughter, And Then I Go To Sleep. I Think You Basically Have To Abandon The Dreams Of Having Any Other Adult Activities In Your Life. You Have To Go To Sleep Whenever Your Child Goes To Sleep. That's Basically How We're Doing It.

Whitney Houston’s Cover Of “i Will Always Love You” Was Constantly On My Fm Walkman Radio Around That Time. I Think That Made Me Cry Because I Associated It With Absolutely No One.

I Got A Fan Letter On The Back Of A Prison Menu. And I Remember Thinking, 'well, They Get Pie. It's Not So Bad. They Get Pie On The Weekends.' I Want To Say Blueberry And Also A Boston Cream Pie. Not So Bad.

I Have No Affinity For Animals. I Don’t Hate Animals And I Would Never Hurt An Animal; I Just Don’t Actively Care About Them. When A Coworker Shows Me Cute Pictures Of Her Dog, I Struggle To Respond Correctly, Like An Autistic Person Who Has Been Taught To Recognize Human Emotions From Flash Cards. In Short, I Am The Worst.

Somewhere Around The Fifth Or Seventh Grade I Figured Out That I Could Ingratiate Myself To People By Making Them Laugh. Essentially, I Was Just Trying To Make Them Like Me. But After A While It Became Part Of My Identity.

I Have Two Daughters, And We Live Here In Manhattan, And Having Gone Through The Manhattan Kindergarten Application Process, Nothing Will Ever Rival The Stress Of That.

Television Is A Runaway Train That You Have To Get On For Nine Months Of The Year. But At The Same Time, It Has A Wonderful Immediacy.

You Can Tell How Smart People Are By What They Laugh At.

That Turned-up Collar. The Jacket That Zipped All The Way Down The Front Into A Nice Fitted Shape. The White Denim That Made My Untanned Skin Look Like A Color.

Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine, No One Would Have Sex Tapes.

I'm Not A Fan Of Purposely Farting In Front Of Other People. If You Have To Fart, Leave The Room.

I Grew Up In A Family Of Republicans. And When I Was 18 And Registering To Vote, My Mom’s Only Instruction Was ‘you Just Go In And Pull The Big Republican Lever.’ That’s My Welcome To Adulthood. She’s Like, ‘no, Don’t Even Read It. Just Pull The Republican Lever.

If You’re Looking For A Spiritual Allegory In The Style Of C.s. Lewis, I Guess You Could Piece Something Together With Lorne Michaels As A Symbol For God And My Struggles With Hair Removal As A Metaphor For Virtue

A Wise Friend Once Told Me, 'don't Wear What Fashion Designers Tell You To Wear. Wear What They Wear.'

I'm Such A Fan Of Lily's [tomlin], For So Many Years. I Feel Like Lily Was The First Popular Mainstream Crossover Comedian Who Also Was Kind Of An Overtly Feminist Comedian.

It Doesn't Matter If It's A School Play Or A Dumb Tv Show. It's Your Work. You Should Care About It So Much That People Get Annoyed With You.

30 Rock Is A Little Different From Other Current Sitcoms, In That It's Fast-paced, But The Pace Comes From The Actors, Not The Editing.

You Go Through Big Chunks Of Time Where You're Just Thinking, 'this Is Impossible - Oh,this Is Impossible'. And Then You Just Keep Going And Keep Going, And You Sort Of Do The Impossible.

You Don't Just Decide To Destroy A Person By Making Up Stuff, And No One At 'snl' Is Writing To Go After Someone.

It Has Been Said That To Write Is To Live Forever. The Man Who Said That Is Dead.

North Korea Threatened To Attack If Sony Pictures Released The Interview, Forcing Us All To Pretend That We Wanted To See It.

I'm Still Technically Employed By The National Broadcasting Company.

Growing Up As A Girl Is Always Traumatizing, Especially When You Have The Deadly Combination Of Greasy Skin And Getting Your Boobs At Ten. But I Think It's Good To Grow Up That Way. It Builds Character.

In An Interview, Paris Hilton Said That Of Her And Her Sister, "people Love To Hate Us. But When You Know Us, You Love Us. And If You Really Get To Know Us, You Get Gonorrhea."

...nothing Is Creepier Than A Bunch Of Adults Being Very Quiet.

Pentagon Records Show That At Least 8,000 Members Of The All-volunteer U.s. Army Have Deserted Since The Iraq War Began. Hey, At Least Somebody Has An Exit Strategy.

"i Can't Believe You Recently Had A Baby. How Do You Do It?" The Baby Starts To Come Down...and Once That Happens You Can't-it Comes Out. Whether You Let It Or Not, The Baby Comes Out. So That's How I Did It.

I Do Like To Start On Time; I Like To Set The Bar High For People.

This Made No Sense To Me, Probably Because I Speak English And Have Never Had A Head Injury.

I Think The Web Is, You Know, Things Like Youtube And Stuff Are Absolutely Where A Lot Of Younger People Are Watching Their Tv On Itunes In The Web And Youtube, Whatever. So, I Think It's An Important Place To Have A Presence.

Whatever The Problem, Be Part Of The Solution. Don’t Just Sit Around Raising Questions And Pointing Out Obstacles.

Many Of The World's Greatest Discoveries Have Been By Accident. I Mean, Look At The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Or Botox.

I Was Taken To An Examining Room Where A Big Butch Nurse Practitioner Came In And Asked Me If I Was Pregnant. “no Way!” Was I Sexually Active? “nope!” Had I Ever Been Molested? “well,” I Said, Trying To Make A Joke, “oprah Says The Only Answers To That Question Are ‘yes’ And ‘i Don’t Remember.’ ” I Laughed. We Were Having Fun. The Nurse Looked At Me, Concerned/annoyed.

Researches Reported That They Developed A Self-healing Plastic That Repairs Itself If Cracked. The Plastic Will Change The Way Airplanes Are Built And Medicine Is Practiced. In A Related Story, Joan Rivers Will Never Die.

I'm A Logic Monster, If Things Don't Make Sense I've Gotta Make Sense Of Them. I Enjoy Helping To Develop Material For Movies, It's A Way For Me To Get Into The Part.

Seriously, I've Just Realized That Almost Everyone Is A Fraud, So I Try Not To Feel Too Bad About It.

There Was An Assumption That I Was Personally Attacking Sarah Palin By Impersonating Her On Tv. No One Ever Said It Was 'mean' When Chevy Chase Played Gerald Ford Falling Down All The Time. No One Ever Accused Dana Carvey Or Darrell Hammond Or Dan Aykroyd Of 'going Too Far' In Their Political Impressions. You See What I'm Getting At Here. I Am Not Mean And Mrs. Palin Is Not Fragile. To Imply Otherwise Is A Disservice To Us Both.

I Don't Like My Feet. I'm Not Crazy About Anybody's Feet. But I Have Flat Feet.

"30 Rock" Is Over, So I Definitely Aspire To Write Another Movie Again; Eventually, Will Try To Pitch Something For Television Again.

To Say I’m An Overrated Troll, When You Have Never Even Seen Me Guard A Bridge, Is Patently Unfair.

The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.

The First Time I Went To See A Second City Show, I Was In Awe Of Everything. I Just Wanted To Touch The Same Stage That Gilda Radner Had Walked On. It Was Sacred Ground.

Gravity”: “it’s The Story Of How George Clooney Would Rather Float Away Into Space And Die Then Spend One More Minute With A Woman His Own Age.

I Think Part Of Picking Where You Live In New York Is Accepting Who You Are. Really Looking At Yourself And Going, 'yeah, I'm Not Cool Enough For The West Village.'

I'm A Big Fan Of 'the Office,' Both The British And The American Versions.

This Requires A Level Of Delusion/egomania Usually Reserved For Popes And Drag Queens

A Willingness To Drop Your Ego And Let Yourself Look Foolish. You Almost Have To Enjoy Looking Vulnerable. You'd Be Surprised How Many People Don't Want To Do That.

It Was Reported That The New York Knicks Have Won All 12 Of The Home Games Attended By Magician David Blaine. A Spokesman For The Knicks Said, 'if This Is What It Takes To Win, It's Not Worth It.'

Last Night The Taliban Offered To Release Eight Westerners If The U.s. Promised Not To Attack. The State Department Declined But Thanked The Taliban For The Offer, Saying It Really Felt Good To Laugh Again.

One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.

You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go.

I Think Women Dress For Other Women To Let Them Know What Their Deal Is. Because If Women Were Only Dressing For Men, There Would Be Nothing But Victoria's Secret. There Would Be No Dior.

I Want To Thank My Parents For Somehow Raising Me To Have Confidence That Is Disproportionate With My Looks And Abilities.

I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.

Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion, Just Thinking Foolishly That You Will Be Able To Do What You Want To Do

I Had My Hair In A Ponytail And Looked My Trademark Exhausted.

Anne Hathaway You Gave A Stunning Performance In "les Miserables." I Have Not Seen Someone So Totally Alone And Abandoned Like That Since You Were Onstage With James Franco At The Oscars.

Gay People Don’t Actually Try To Convert People. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses You’re Thinking Of.

I’m Not A Mean Person, But I Have A Capacity For It. I Have The Biting Comment Formed Somewhere In The Back Of My Head — Like It’s In Captivity. Sometimes People Expect That I’m Going To Be Tough. It’s Not A Bad Situation. People Treat You Better. People Are On Time.

I Went Through A Phase Where I Was Sick Of Acting, I Didn't Want To Do It Anymore, I Was Bored With It And Then I Tried Directing A Movie And I Was Like: "shoot, Get Back Over There!" It Made Me Appreciate Acting More.

When Actors Are Too Good-looking, I Can’t Memorize Them. For Example, I Have Never Seen A Picture Of Sienna Miller Where I Didn’t Say, “that Girl’s Pretty. Who Is That?

I Was The Editor Of The School Newspaper And In Drama Club And Choir, So I Was Not A Popular Girl In The Traditional Sense, But I Think I Was Known For Being Relatively Scathing.

According To A New Study, Women In Satisfying Marriages Are Less Likely To Develop Cardiovascular Diseases Than Unmarried Women. So Don't Worry, Lonely Women, You'll Be Dead Soon.

Luxury Cruises Were Designed To Make Something Unbearable (a Two Week Transatlantic Crossing) Seem Bearable. There's No Need To Do It Now, There Are Planes. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Ride On A Stage Coach For Two Months But There's All-you-can-eat Shrimp. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Had An Old-timey Appendectomy Without Anesthesia While Steel Drums Play. You Might Take A Vacation While Riding On A Camel For Two Days If They Gave You Those Little Animal Towels Wearing Your Sunglasses.

I Don't Really Have A Nemesis, But I Have A Series Of Hundreds Of Small Enemies That Fuel Me. Everyone I Meet I Assume Is Out To Get Me And That Fuels My Fire On A Daily Basis.

For My First Show At 'snl', I Wrote A Bill Clinton Sketch, And During Our Read-through, It Wasn't Getting Any Laughs. This Weight Of Embarrassment Came Over Me, And I Felt Like I Was Sweating From My Spine Out. But I Realized, 'okay, That Happened, And I Did Not Die.' You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

Wafah Dufour Bin Laden, Niece Of Osama Bin Laden Has Signed A Contract To Star In A Reality Show... Called Skating With The Nieces Of Terrorists.

Feminists Do The Best Photoshop Because They Leave The Meat On Your Bones. They Don’t Change Your Size Or Your Skin Color. They Leave In Your Disgusting Knuckles, But They May Take Out Some Armpit Stubble. Not Because They’re Denying Its Existence, But Because They Understand That It’s Okay To Make A Photo Look As If You Were Caught On Your Best Day In The Best Light.

Tracy: Stop Eating People's Old French Fries, Little Pigeon. Have Some Self-respect. Don't You Know You Can Fly?

A Combustion Engine Of Ambition And Disappointment.

In My Limited Experience, Shows Are Like Children. You Can Teach Them Manners And Dress Them In Little Sailor Suits, But In The End, They're Going To Be Who They're Going To Be.

At The Upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez And Marc Anthony Will Perform Together As The First Time, As Man And Wife. Hopefully Music.

I Like To Write About Women, Not So Much About The Way They Relate To Men, But About The Way They Relate To Each Other.

There Are So Many Quiet Times You Spend As A Mother That Aren't Glorified But Are A Foundation For Your Kids. No Matter What, There Was Always A Thick Safety Net Under This Trapeze.

The More New Yorkers Like Something, The More Disgusted They Are. "the Kitchen Was All Sub-zero: I Want To Kill Myself. The Building Has A Playroom That Makes You Want To Break Your Own Jaw With A Golf Club. I Can't Take It.

Let's Review The Cost-free Techniques That We've Learned So Far For Raising An Achievement-oriented, Obedient, Drug-free, Virgin Adult: Calamity, Praise, Local Theater, And Flat Feet. Another Key Element Is "strong Father Figure / Fear Thereof."

You Transition As A Mother From Literally Just Pulling A Booger Out Of That Person's Nose Whenever You See One Until At Some Point They Assert: "no, I'm A Person. You Can't Fix My Underpants On The Subway."

Now If You're Not „hot”, You Are Expected To Work On It Until You Are. It's Like When You Renovate A House And You're Legally Required To Leave Just One Of The Original Walls Standing. If You Don't Have A Good Body You Have Down To A Neutral Shape, Then Bolt On Some Breast Implants, Replace Your Teeth, Dye You Hair, And Call Yourself The Playmate Of The Year. How Do We Survive This? How Do We Teach Our Daughters And Our Gay Sons That They Are Good Enough The Way They Are? We Have To Lead By Example.

You Have To Remember That Actors Are Human Beings. Which Is Hard Sometimes Because They Look So Much Better Than Human Beings.

Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

In My Experience, The Hardest Thing About Having Someone "come Out" To You Is The "pretending To Be Surprised" Part.

In Afghanistan This Week, Outnumbered Northern Alliance Rebels On Horseback Defeated Taliban Forces Armed With Tanks. Experts Say The Victory Is Just Like The Story Of David And Goliath And David's Friend, The Stealth Bomber.

...the Rule Of Agreement Reminds You To “respect What Your Partner Has Created” And To At Least Start From An Open-minded Place. Start With A Yes And See Where That Takes You.

In Order To Feel Safer On His Private Jet, Actor John Travolta Has Purchased A Bomb-sniffing Dog. Unfortunately For The Actor, The Dog Came Six Movies Too Late.

I Have A Suspicion That The Definition Of "crazy" In Show Business Is A Woman Who Keeps Talking Even After No One Wants To F*** [sleep With Her] Anymore.

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

Mary Tyler Moore Was A Working Woman Whose Story Lines Were Not Always About Dating And Men. They Were About Work Friendships And Relationships, Which Is What I Feel My Adult Life Has Mostly Been About.

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

If These Two Are Tired Of Having Sex With Each Other, What Hope Is There For The Rest Of Us?

You Can Fix It As Soon As You Get Up - You Brush And Use Mouthwash - But There’s Something About Knowing You Woke Up With Hot-mothball Mouth That Makes You Feel Old. I Think God Designed Our Mouths To Die First To Help Us Slowly Transition To The Grave.

The Same Ten Minutes That Magazines Urge Me To Use For Sit-ups And Triceps Dips, I Used For Sobbing.

I Love To Play Strippers And To Imitate Them. I Love Using That Idea For Comedy, But The Idea Of Actually Going There? I Feel Like We All Need To Be Better Than That. That Industry Needs To Die, By All Of Us Being A Little Bit Better Than That.

What Turning Forty Means To Me I Need To Take My Pants Off As Soon As I Get Home. I Didn't Used To Have To Do That. But Now I Do.

There Are No Mistakes Only Opportunities.

I Found The Recording Sessions Very Freeing Because You Can Really Try Things. When You're Filming Something, If You're Improvising A Film And You're Wasting Film And Wasting A Cameraman's Time.

I Think If You Ask Any Of Us Here, We All Dreamed Of Ending Up On Saturday Night Live. I Remember Thinking, 'i'll Just Keep Doing This As Long As I Can Get Away With It.'

You Can’t Be That Kid Standing At The Top Of The Waterslide, Overthinking It. You Have To Go Down The Chute.

Funny Inspirational

The Supreme Court Is Expected To Rule This Week Whether Banning Cross Burning By Groups Like The Klu Klux Klan Violates The First Amendment. The Outcome Could Affect The Entertainment At Trent Lott's Christmas Party.

In Response To The Escalating Violence In Iraq, President Bush Is Delaying The Return Home Of 25,000 Troops And Will Actually Add Reinforcements To The South. Then In A Symbolic Gesture He Pulled Down The Mission Accomplished Banner, Put On A Flight Suit, Walked Backwards To A Jet Fighter And Flew It In Reverse Off An Aircraft Carrier.

If You Are Capable People Are Happy To Play With You.

I Had To Get Back To Work... Nbc Has Me Under Contract; The Baby And I Only Have A Verbal Agreement.

It's Harder To Make Something Good When You Can't Curse All The Time.

It's Hard To Get Laughs When You're New.

And Don't Think That By Eating Freedom Fries You Are Being Patriotic And Helping The War Effort. Use Less Gasoline, Read A Newspaper. You Know What, How About We Cool It With The Freedom Fries Anyway You Fat Asses. We're The Fattest Country In The World. Have You Ever Walked Around An American Mall? It's Nothing But Chick Fillets And Lane Bryant Track Suits Busting At The Seams.

We Writers Dream Of A Future Where Actors Are Mostly Computer Generated And Their Performances Can Be Adjusted, By Us, On A Laptop, Alone.

Every Morning, When Alaskans Wake Up, One Of The First Things They Do, Is Look Outside To See If There Are Any Russians Hanging Around. And If There Are, You Gotta Go Up To Them And Ask, 'what Are You Doing Here?' And If They Can't Give You A Good Reason, It's Our Responsibility To Say, You Know, 'shoo! Get Back Over There!'

If You Want To Make An Audience Laugh, You Dress A Man Up Like An Old Lady And Push Her Down The Stairs. If You Want To Make Comedy Writers Laugh, You Push An Actual Old Lady Down The Stairs.

In Into The Woods, Cinderella Runs From Her Prince, Rapunzel Is Thrown From A Tower For Her Prince, And Sleeping Beauty Just Thought She Was Getting Coffee With Bill Cosby.

I Was Ten. I Had Noticed Something Was Weird Earlier In The Day, But I Knew From Commercials That One's Menstrual Period Was A Blue Liquid That You Poured Like Laundry Detergent Onto Maxi Pads To Test Their Absorbency. This Wasn't Blue, So... I Ignored It For A Few Hours.

Your Characters Should Be As Smart As You Are, If Not Smarter.

Either Way, Everything Will Be Fine. But If You Have An Opinion, Please Feel Free To Offer It To Me Through The Gap In The Door Of A Public Restroom. Everyone Else Does.

If You Care About [the Characters] As If They Were Real, That Always Helps.

For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us, Unless You Believe In Evolution. Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing Is A Disaster.

If You Are A Woman And You Bought This Book For Practical Tips On How To Make It In A Male-dominated Workplace, Here They Are. No Pigtails, No Tube Tops. Cry Sparingly. (some People Say “never Let Them See You Cry.” I Say, If You’re So Mad You Could Just Cry, Then Cry. It Terrifies Everyone.)

It Is Less Dangerous To Draw A Cartoon Of Allah French-kissing Uncle Sam — Which, Let Me Make It Very Clear, I Have Not Done — Than It Is To Speak Honestly About [working Moms].

In An Attempt To Make Things Easier For Myself, Which Is The Basis For All Of History's Worst Decisions [...].

In Real Life, People In The Most Dire Situations Must Cope Through Humor.

When Hiring, Mix Harvard Nerds With Chicago Improvisers And Stir.

Sleep When Your Baby Sleeps. Everyone Knows This Classic Tip, But I Say Why Stop There? Scream When Your Baby Screams. Take Benadryl When Your Baby Takes Benadryl. And Walk Around Pantless When Your Baby Walks Around Pantless.

President Bush Gave A Rousing Speech To The United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, In A Touching Show Of Support, Every Foreign Dignitary Shook Hands With The President And Smiled Warmly As He Mispronounced Their Names.

Doing One Movie Every Two Years Is About All I Can Handle 'cause, Being The Creator At '30 Rock', My Year There Starts In The Middle Of June And Goes Back Around Until March.

The Barrier Between Tv And Movies Has Come Down And Film Actors Are Willing To Do Tv And Vice Versa, Because They Just Want To Follow What's Interesting.

Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable. For Sketch Writers, Remember They're Called Sketches For A Reason. They're Not Called Oil Paintings. Some Of Them Are Going To Stink. You Have To Let Them Stink.

I Was A Very Confident Little Kid.

Sometimes I'll Be Telling My Husband, 'i Think I'm Cracking Up'. Sometimes You Just Need A Minute To Say, 'i Think I'm Cracking' And Just Acknowledge It.

I Felt Like That Character In Flowers For Algernon. Not Charlie, The Lady Teacher From The College Who Realizes, 'i've Got To Stop Dry-humping This Mentally Challenged Guy!

‘how Do You Juggle It All?’ People Constantly Ask Me, With An Accusatory Look In Their Eyes. ‘you’re Screwing It All Up, Aren’t You?’ Their Eyes Say. My Standard Answer Is That I Have The Same Struggle As Any Working Parent But With The Good Fortune To Be Working At My Dream Job. Or Sometimes I Just Hand Them A Juicy Red Apple I’ve Poisoned In My Working-mother Witch Cauldron And Fly Away.

When Choosing Sexual Partners, Remember: Talent Is Not Sexually Transmittable.

I Had To Face The Fact That I Had Been Using My Gay Friends As Props. They Were Always Supposed To Be Funny And Entertain Me And Praise Me And Listen To My Problems, And Their Life Was Supposed To Be A Secret That No One Wanted To Hear About. I Wanted Them To Stay In The “half Closet.

Finally The World Would See My Full Range Of Comedy Characters - From Grouchy Librarian To Russian Librarian.

Lesson Learned? When People Say, "you Really, Really Must" Do Something, It Means You Don't Really Have To. No One Ever Says, "you Really, Really Must Deliver The Baby During Labor." When It's True, It Doesn't Need To Be Said.

The Thing That Always Fascinated Me About Improv Is That It's Basically A Happy Accident That You Think You're Initiating.

Happy Accidents

There's A Drunk Midget In My House Ah, Babies! They're More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts. Like Most People Who Have Had One Baby, I Am An Expert On Everythiing And Will Tell You, Unsolicited, How To Raise Your Kid!

My Ability To Turn Good News Into Anxiety Is Rivaled Only By My Ability To Turn Anxiety Into Chin Acne.

It Was Reported That Guy Ritchie Has Cast His Wife Madonna In A Small Walk-on Role In His New Movie, Revolver. Madonna Will Play The Part Of The Woman Who Ruins The Film.

This Is What I Tell Young Women Who Ask Me For Career Advice. People Are Going To Try To Trick You. To Make You Feel That You Are In Competition With One Another. You're Up For A Promotion. If They Go For A Woman, It'll Be Between You And Barbara. Don't Be Fooled. You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

I’ve Always Been Able To Tell A Lot About People By Whether They Ask Me About My Scar. Most People Never Ask, But If It Comes Up Naturally Somehow And I Offer Up The Story, They Are Quite Interested. Some People Are Just Dumb: 'did A Cat Scratch You?' God Bless. Those Sweet Dumdums I Never Mind. Sometimes It Is A Fun Sociology Litmus Test, Like When My Friend Ricky Asked Me, 'did They Ever Catch The Black Guy That Did That To You?' Hmmm. It Was Not A Black Guy, Ricky, And I Never Said It Was.

...i Can't Possibly Take Time Off For A Second Baby, Unless I Do, In Which Case That Is Nobody's Business And I'll Never Regret It For A Moment Unless It Ruins My Life.

You All Watched A Sketch About Feminism And You Didn't Even Know It Because Of All The Jokes. It's Like When Jessica Seinfeld Puts Spinach In Kids' Brownies. Suckers!

Trending Author

Alanis Morissette

Mary McLeod Bethune

Category