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I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.

-Tina Fey

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I Really Admire Stand-up,

Tina Fey

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I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.

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Saudi Arabian Police Arrested Seven Teenage Boys For Leering At Women. In Accordance With Saudi Law, The Boys Will Be Whipped And The Women Will Be Stoned To Death.

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Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion.

Never Tell A Crazy Person He’s Crazy.

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Funny Inspirational

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This Made No Sense To Me, Probably Because I Speak English And Have Never Had A Head Injury.

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And, You Know, Politics Aside, The Success Of Sarah Palin And Women Like Her Is Good For All Women - Except, Of Course - Those Who Will End Up, You Know, Like, Paying For Their Own Rape 'kit 'n' Stuff. But For Everybody Else, It's A Win-win. Unless You're A Gay Woman Who Wants To Marry Your Partner Of 20 Years - Whatever. But For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us. Unless You Believe In Evolution. You Know - Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing's A Disaster.

Even When I Was At 'snl,' I Didn't Do Impersonations. I Always Wanted To Be The Kind Of Person Who Could Do Them - I Always Thought They Were The Coolest Thing On The Show - But I Didn't Have Any Experience.

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I Went To The University Of Virginia And I Came From, I Grew Up In Suburban Philadelphia.

We're Gonna Promote Freedom. Usher In Democratic Values And Ideals. And Fight Terror-loving Terrorists.

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I Think People Fetishize Glasses In General. You Could Put Glasses On A Rotting Pumpkin And People Would Think It Was Sexy.

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Just Say Yes And You'll Figure It Out Afterwards.

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Lesson Learned? When People Say, "you Really, Really Must" Do Something, It Means You Don't Really Have To. No One Ever Says, "you Really, Really Must Deliver The Baby During Labor." When It's True, It Doesn't Need To Be Said.

I'm Not That Good Looking... Nobody Is That Good Looking. I Have Seen A Lot Of Movie Stars, And Maybe Four Are Amazing Looking. The Rest Have A Team Of Gay Guys Who Make It Happen.

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You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

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This Worked Out Perfectly For Me In College, Because What Nineteen-year-old Virginia Boy Doesn't Want A Wide-hipped, Sarcastic Greek Girl With Short Hair That's Permed On Top? What's That You Say? None Of Them Want That? You Are Correct.

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The Ladies Of Comedy Now Are Comfortable Dressing Up. It's Not Forbidden Anymore.

Sometimes You Want To Have A Very Productive Saturday To Feel That You Are In Control Of Your Life, Which Of Course You Are Not.

Control Of Your Life

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It's Hard To Get Laughs When You're New.

[television] Is A Great Medium For Writers, Because There's Just No Time For A Studio To Interfere Very Long. You Write It, You Shoot It; It's On Tv.

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It Was Scary To Be In That World Of Politics. I Felt Uncomfortable To Be In That Discussion. The Weird Thing Is, When Darrell Hammond Or Will Ferrell Or Dana Carvey Did An Impersonation Of A President, No One Assumed It Was Personal, But Because Sarah Palin And I Are Both Women And People Think Women Are Meaner To Each Other, Everyone Assumed It Was Personal.

The Thing That Always Fascinated Me About Improv Is That It's Basically A Happy Accident That You Think You're Initiating.

Happy Accidents

I Was The Editor Of The School Newspaper And In Drama Club And Choir, So I Was Not A Popular Girl In The Traditional Sense, But I Think I Was Known For Being Relatively Scathing.

You Mostly Know That You Want To Be Funny, Know That You Have The Desire. It's Not Like People Who Grow Up Beautiful And Can Look In The Mirror And Be Like, I'm Beautiful! Funny Is More Of A Journey. And A Desperate Attempt.

I Wrote A One-act Play - I Can't Remember The Name Of It, But It Was Really About The Way Women Are Perceived As Leaders. In The Play, Catherine The Great Would Say Things Like, "you Know, John F. Kennedy Had Extramarital Affairs And No One Says Anything. But I Bang One Horse And Now I'm A Horse Banger For All Eternity? That's It? That's What I Am?"

In My Experience, The Hardest Thing About Having Someone "come Out" To You Is The "pretending To Be Surprised" Part.

I’ve Always Been Able To Tell A Lot About People By Whether They Ask Me About My Scar. Most People Never Ask, But If It Comes Up Naturally Somehow And I Offer Up The Story, They Are Quite Interested. Some People Are Just Dumb: 'did A Cat Scratch You?' God Bless. Those Sweet Dumdums I Never Mind. Sometimes It Is A Fun Sociology Litmus Test, Like When My Friend Ricky Asked Me, 'did They Ever Catch The Black Guy That Did That To You?' Hmmm. It Was Not A Black Guy, Ricky, And I Never Said It Was.

I Don't Like A Tremendous Amount Of Conflict. I Don't Think That Fighting And Passion Are The Same Thing.

Life Is Improvisation. All Of Those [improv] Classes Were Like Church To Me. The Training Had Seeped Into Me And Changed Who I Am.

Trying To Be A Leader In A Sort Of Very Atypical Workplace Like 'saturday Night Live' Forces You To Realize That No One Wants You To Be Their Leader. If You Can Help Them Get Their Thing On Tv Or Whatever, They Want That. But No Adult Is Looking For A Role Model.

My Parents Raised Me That You Never Ask People About Their Reproductive Plans. “you Don’t Know Their Situation,” My Mom Would Say. I Considered It Such An Impolite Question That For Years I Didn’t Even Ask Myself. Thirty-five Turned Into Forty Faster Than Mcdonald’s Food Turns Into Cold Nonfood.

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

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In Most Cases Being A Good Boss Means Hiring Talented People And Then Getting Out Of Their Way.

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I Work, And Then Whenever I Have Any Other Time, I'm With My Daughter, And Then I Go To Sleep. I Think You Basically Have To Abandon The Dreams Of Having Any Other Adult Activities In Your Life. You Have To Go To Sleep Whenever Your Child Goes To Sleep. That's Basically How We're Doing It.

I Feel Like There Is A Lot Of Inherent Humor In The Stress And Insanity Surrounding That Process. People Lose Their Minds, Trying To Prove Their Parental Worth By Getting Their Children Into One Of Five Colleges; When There Are Thousands Of Good Colleges Across The United States - And Elsewhere.

You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go.

In Into The Woods, Cinderella Runs From Her Prince, Rapunzel Is Thrown From A Tower For Her Prince, And Sleeping Beauty Just Thought She Was Getting Coffee With Bill Cosby.

I Prefer The Retro Chic Of Spending Christmas Just Like Joseph And Mary Did - Traveling Arduously Back To The Place Of Your Birth To Be Counted, With No Guarantee Of A Bed When You Get There.

I Would Not Trade Any Of These Features For Anybody Else’s. I Wouldn’t Trade The Small Thin-lipped Mouth That Makes Me Resemble My Nephew. I Wouldn’t Even Trade The Acne Scar On My Right Cheek, Because That Recurring Zit Spent More Time With Me In College Than Any Boy Ever Did.

Pentagon Records Show That At Least 8,000 Members Of The All-volunteer U.s. Army Have Deserted Since The Iraq War Began. Hey, At Least Somebody Has An Exit Strategy.

As An Improviser, I Always Find It Jarring When I Meet Someone In Real Life Whose First Answer Is No. “no, We Can’t Do That.” “no, That’s Not In The Budget.” “no, I Will Not Hold Your Hand For A Dollar.” What Kind Of Way Is That To Live?

You Can't Control Things By Being Nervous.

To Me Yes, And Means Don't Be Afraid To Contribute. Always Make Sure You're Adding Something To The Discussion. Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

This January, Kevin Costner Will Be Honored By The Palm Springs International Film Festival For His Contribution To Film. This Gives Costner Just Two Months To Make A Contribution To Film.

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

I Dreamed Of Being An Actress When I Was A Little Kid Because You Don't Know Then That The Writer Writes Everything The Actor Is Saying. But As I Got Older, I Got Into College And Became More Aware That Writing Is Another Option, And I Started Getting Into It, Too.

Seriously, I've Just Realized That Almost Everyone Is A Fraud, So I Try Not To Feel Too Bad About It.

You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

I Grew Up In A Family Of Republicans. And When I Was 18 And Registering To Vote, My Mom’s Only Instruction Was ‘you Just Go In And Pull The Big Republican Lever.’ That’s My Welcome To Adulthood. She’s Like, ‘no, Don’t Even Read It. Just Pull The Republican Lever.

Gay People Don’t Actually Try To Convert People. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses You’re Thinking Of.

You Can Fix It As Soon As You Get Up - You Brush And Use Mouthwash - But There’s Something About Knowing You Woke Up With Hot-mothball Mouth That Makes You Feel Old. I Think God Designed Our Mouths To Die First To Help Us Slowly Transition To The Grave.

The More New Yorkers Like Something, The More Disgusted They Are. "the Kitchen Was All Sub-zero: I Want To Kill Myself. The Building Has A Playroom That Makes You Want To Break Your Own Jaw With A Golf Club. I Can't Take It.

I Became Immersed In The Cult Of Improvisation. I Was Like One Of Those Athletes Trying To Get Into The Olympics. It Was All About Blind Focus. I Was So Sure That I Was Doing Exactly What I'd Been Put On This Earth To Do, And I Would Have Done Anything To Make It Onto That Stage.

You Transition As A Mother From Literally Just Pulling A Booger Out Of That Person's Nose Whenever You See One Until At Some Point They Assert: "no, I'm A Person. You Can't Fix My Underpants On The Subway."

If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine, No One Would Have Sex Tapes.

Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

You Must Not Look In That Mirror At Your Doughy Legs And Flat Feet, For Today Is About Dreams And Illusions, And Unfiltered Natural Daylight Is The Enemy Of Dreams.

Now If You're Not „hot”, You Are Expected To Work On It Until You Are. It's Like When You Renovate A House And You're Legally Required To Leave Just One Of The Original Walls Standing. If You Don't Have A Good Body You Have Down To A Neutral Shape, Then Bolt On Some Breast Implants, Replace Your Teeth, Dye You Hair, And Call Yourself The Playmate Of The Year. How Do We Survive This? How Do We Teach Our Daughters And Our Gay Sons That They Are Good Enough The Way They Are? We Have To Lead By Example.

Tracy: Stop Eating People's Old French Fries, Little Pigeon. Have Some Self-respect. Don't You Know You Can Fly?

A New Poll Showed That 66% Of Americans Think President Bush Is Doing A Poor Job Handling The War In Iraq And The Remaining 34% Think That Adam And Eve Rode Dinosaurs To Church.

That Turned-up Collar. The Jacket That Zipped All The Way Down The Front Into A Nice Fitted Shape. The White Denim That Made My Untanned Skin Look Like A Color.

Steve Carell's Foxcatcher Look Took Two Hours To Put On, Including His Hairstyling And Make Up. Just For Comparison, It Took Me Three Hours Today To Prepare For My Role As "human Woman".

In Afghanistan This Week, Outnumbered Northern Alliance Rebels On Horseback Defeated Taliban Forces Armed With Tanks. Experts Say The Victory Is Just Like The Story Of David And Goliath And David's Friend, The Stealth Bomber.

It Was Reported That Guy Ritchie Has Cast His Wife Madonna In A Small Walk-on Role In His New Movie, Revolver. Madonna Will Play The Part Of The Woman Who Ruins The Film.

At The Request Of The Catholic Church, A Three-day Sex Orgy To Be Held Near Rio De Janeiro Was Cancelled Last Friday. So Instead I Spent The Weekend Cleaning My Apartment.

Gravity”: “it’s The Story Of How George Clooney Would Rather Float Away Into Space And Die Then Spend One More Minute With A Woman His Own Age.

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Albert Szent-Gyorgyi

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