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One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.

-Tina Fey

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One Afternoon A Girl

Tina Fey

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One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.

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I Am Constantly Amazed By Tina Fey. And I Am Tina Fey.

It Is An Impressively Arrogant Move To Conclude That Just Because You Don’t Like Something, It Is Empirically Not Good. I Don’t Like Chinese Food, But I Don’t Write Articles Trying To Prove It Doesn’t Exist.

Luxury Cruises Were Designed To Make Something Unbearable (a Two Week Transatlantic Crossing) Seem Bearable. There's No Need To Do It Now, There Are Planes. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Ride On A Stage Coach For Two Months But There's All-you-can-eat Shrimp. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Had An Old-timey Appendectomy Without Anesthesia While Steel Drums Play. You Might Take A Vacation While Riding On A Camel For Two Days If They Gave You Those Little Animal Towels Wearing Your Sunglasses.

My Problem With The Traditional Acting Method Was That I Never Understood What You Were Supposed To Be Thinking About When You're Onstage.

This Is What I Tell Young Women Who Ask Me For Career Advice. People Are Going To Try To Trick You. To Make You Feel That You Are In Competition With One Another. You're Up For A Promotion. If They Go For A Woman, It'll Be Between You And Barbara. Don't Be Fooled. You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

I'm Married, You Know. I Love My Husband And I Have A Child.

I Dreamed Of Being An Actress When I Was A Little Kid Because You Don't Know Then That The Writer Writes Everything The Actor Is Saying. But As I Got Older, I Got Into College And Became More Aware That Writing Is Another Option, And I Started Getting Into It, Too.

I Keep My Eyes On The Sea, Waiting To Be Rocketed Into It On A Wave Of Fire. I'll Be Ready For It To Happen And That Way It Won't Happen. It's A Burden, Being Able To Control Situations With My Hyper-vigilance, But Its My Lot In Life.

In A Study, Scientists Report That Drinking Beer Can Be Good For The Liver. I'm Sorry, Did I Say 'scientists'? I Meant Irish People.

Photoshop Is Just Like Makeup. When It’s Done Well It Looks Great, And When It’s Overdone You Look Like A Crazy Asshole.

I Guess What I Would Tell Women Is To Get Their Education First, Before Having Kids. That Way They Can Keep Their Options Open Down The Road. I Also Think That It Shouldn't Necessarily Be An Issue Just For Women, That Men Should Be Part Of The Stay-home Discussion Too.

My Mom Wanted Me To Apply To Princeton, Cause She Just I Guess Since I Was A Kid Had This Dream That I Would Apply To Princeton, And It Was Not Happening.

In An Interview, Paris Hilton Said That Of Her And Her Sister, "people Love To Hate Us. But When You Know Us, You Love Us. And If You Really Get To Know Us, You Get Gonorrhea."

The Ideal Situation For A Parent Is One That No One Has - Having A Fulfilling Job That Requires You To Work Three Days A Week. It's Better For The Parents, Because They Get To Spend Time With The Children And Also Have A Source Of Pride And Achievement - And Income - Outside The Home.

My Parents Raised Me That You Never Ask People About Their Reproductive Plans. “you Don’t Know Their Situation,” My Mom Would Say. I Considered It Such An Impolite Question That For Years I Didn’t Even Ask Myself. Thirty-five Turned Into Forty Faster Than Mcdonald’s Food Turns Into Cold Nonfood.

The Topic Of Working Moms Is A Tap-dance Recital In A Minefield.

I Don't Want To Be Somebody Else.

I Want To Thank My Parents For Somehow Raising Me To Have Confidence That Is Disproportionate With My Looks And Abilities.

To Say I’m An Overrated Troll, When You Have Never Even Seen Me Guard A Bridge, Is Patently Unfair.

There Was An Assumption That I Was Personally Attacking Sarah Palin By Impersonating Her On Tv. No One Ever Said It Was 'mean' When Chevy Chase Played Gerald Ford Falling Down All The Time. No One Ever Accused Dana Carvey Or Darrell Hammond Or Dan Aykroyd Of 'going Too Far' In Their Political Impressions. You See What I'm Getting At Here. I Am Not Mean And Mrs. Palin Is Not Fragile. To Imply Otherwise Is A Disservice To Us Both.

I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.

I Was A Very Confident Little Kid.

I Think If You Ask Any Of Us Here, We All Dreamed Of Ending Up On Saturday Night Live. I Remember Thinking, 'i'll Just Keep Doing This As Long As I Can Get Away With It.'

Al Gore Announced Tuesday That He Plans To Launch A 24-hour Cable News Network For Young Adults. Gore Claims He's Been Wanting To Do This Since He Invented Cable Tv In The 1990s.

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

There's A Drunk Midget In My House Ah, Babies! They're More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts. Like Most People Who Have Had One Baby, I Am An Expert On Everythiing And Will Tell You, Unsolicited, How To Raise Your Kid!

A Willingness To Drop Your Ego And Let Yourself Look Foolish. You Almost Have To Enjoy Looking Vulnerable. You'd Be Surprised How Many People Don't Want To Do That.

I Had To Get Back To Work... Nbc Has Me Under Contract; The Baby And I Only Have A Verbal Agreement.

You Can Tell How Smart People Are By What They Laugh At.

Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion, Just Thinking Foolishly That You Will Be Able To Do What You Want To Do

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