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My Parents Are Very Well-behaved. If Anything, If My Mom Were Here Right Now, She Would Hug And Kiss Every One Of You Hello, And Then She Would Feed You.

-Tina Fey

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My Parents Are Very

Tina Fey

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My Parents Are Very Well-behaved. If Anything, If My Mom Were Here Right Now, She Would Hug And Kiss Every One Of You Hello, And Then She Would Feed You.

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I'm Not A Fan Of Purposely Farting In Front Of Other People. If You Have To Fart, Leave The Room.

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This Requires A Level Of Delusion/egomania Usually Reserved For Popes And Drag Queens

I Became Immersed In The Cult Of Improvisation. I Was Like One Of Those Athletes Trying To Get Into The Olympics. It Was All About Blind Focus. I Was So Sure That I Was Doing Exactly What I'd Been Put On This Earth To Do, And I Would Have Done Anything To Make It Onto That Stage.

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I'm Still Technically Employed By The National Broadcasting Company.

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Funny Motivational

"i Can't Believe You Recently Had A Baby. How Do You Do It?" The Baby Starts To Come Down...and Once That Happens You Can't-it Comes Out. Whether You Let It Or Not, The Baby Comes Out. So That's How I Did It.

I Think Someone Should Design Exercise Machines That Reward People With Sex At The End Of Their Workouts, Because People Will Perform Superhuman Feats For Even The Faint Hope Of That.

Maternity Leave Is Over For Tina Fey Of Saturday Night Live. She'll Be Back Behind The Weekend Update Anchor Desk For This Week's Episode, Her First Show Since Giving Birth To Daughter Alice On Sept. 10. I Had To Get Back To Work, .. Nbc Has Me Under Contract; The Baby And I Have Only A Verbal Agreement.

A Recent Study Announced That 52 Per Cent Of All Teens Who Sign Virginity Pledges Recant Them Within Twelve Months. If I'm On My Game.

When You Have A Set Of Characters, You Have To Fall In Love With Them And Care About Them As Each Individual Character.

Falling In Love

Anyone Who Knows Me Will Tell You That I Am All About Money. I Mean, Just Look How Well My Line Of Zodiac-inspired Toe Rings And Homeopathic Children's Medications Are Selling On Home Shopping Network.

Whatever The Problem - Be Part Of The Solution

Just Say Yes And You'll Figure It Out Afterwards.

There Are So Many Quiet Times You Spend As A Mother That Aren't Glorified But Are A Foundation For Your Kids. No Matter What, There Was Always A Thick Safety Net Under This Trapeze.

This Is What I Tell Young Women Who Ask Me For Career Advice. People Are Going To Try To Trick You. To Make You Feel That You Are In Competition With One Another. You're Up For A Promotion. If They Go For A Woman, It'll Be Between You And Barbara. Don't Be Fooled. You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

An Interim Government Was Set Up In Afghanistan. It Included Two Women, One Of Whom Was Minister Of Women's Affairs. Man, Who'd She Have To Show Here Ankles To To Get That Job?

Never Tell A Crazy Person He’s Crazy.

I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.

What Turning Forty Means To Me I Need To Take My Pants Off As Soon As I Get Home. I Didn't Used To Have To Do That. But Now I Do.

I Like To Write About Women, Not So Much About The Way They Relate To Men, But About The Way They Relate To Each Other.

It's Like Being A Little Kid Again, Parading Around In A Nightgown Tucked Into Your Underpants, Believing It Looks Terrific.

I'm Not That Good Looking... Nobody Is That Good Looking. I Have Seen A Lot Of Movie Stars, And Maybe Four Are Amazing Looking. The Rest Have A Team Of Gay Guys Who Make It Happen.

A Combustion Engine Of Ambition And Disappointment.

Now Let Me Be Clear; Millions Of Women Around The World Nurse Their Children Beautifully For Years Without Giving Anybody Else A Hard Time About It. Teat Nazis Are A Solely Western Upper-middle-class Phenomenon Occurring When Highly Ambitious Women Experience Deprivation From Outside Modes Of Achievement.

There's A Drunk Midget In My House Ah, Babies! They're More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts. Like Most People Who Have Had One Baby, I Am An Expert On Everythiing And Will Tell You, Unsolicited, How To Raise Your Kid!

Yeah, It's Tough Being Smart And Sexy, Too. I Have To Say, I'm Really Not That Attractive. Until I Met My Husband, I Could Not Get A Date. I Promise You It's True. My Husband Jeff Richmond Saw A Diamond In The Rough And Took Me In.

If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine, No One Would Have Sex Tapes.

Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

Life Is Improvisation.

If You Are A Woman And You Bought This Book For Practical Tips On How To Make It In A Male-dominated Workplace, Here They Are. No Pigtails, No Tube Tops. Cry Sparingly. (some People Say “never Let Them See You Cry.” I Say, If You’re So Mad You Could Just Cry, Then Cry. It Terrifies Everyone.)

Ladies Gotta Say No To Their Husbands At The Movies. They Gotta Say: "no, We Are Watching Back-to-back Cancer Movies. And Then This Movie About A Cat."

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

You Can Be A Little Bit Darker And Rougher On The Stage, Partly Because When You're In The Theater, People Have Come To See You, And So They Kind Of Know What They're In For. In Television, You Are Sort Of Sneaking Into People's Homes. So, I Think You Can Be A Little Bit Darker On Stage.

Gay People Don’t Actually Try To Convert People. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses You’re Thinking Of.

Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

I Still Want Oprah To Play My Best Friend. I Want To Spend Time With Oprah.

Every Day I Wrote In My Journal: "how Am I Going To Win Today?" So That When The Guys Are Talking About Water-boarding I'm Telling Them They Haven't Even Got The Right Towels.

I Felt Like That Character In Flowers For Algernon. Not Charlie, The Lady Teacher From The College Who Realizes, 'i've Got To Stop Dry-humping This Mentally Challenged Guy!

My Parents Raised Me That You Never Ask People About Their Reproductive Plans. “you Don’t Know Their Situation,” My Mom Would Say. I Considered It Such An Impolite Question That For Years I Didn’t Even Ask Myself. Thirty-five Turned Into Forty Faster Than Mcdonald’s Food Turns Into Cold Nonfood.

Obviously, As An Adult I Realize This Girl-on-girl Sabotage Is The Third Worst Kind Of Female Behavior, Right Behind Saying "like" All The Time And Leaving Your Baby In A Dumpster.

The Comedy For The Democrats Is That They're Showing Off Too Much. They Need To Be Putting A Boring White Guy Out There To Kind Of Get A Hold Of Things. Once The Boring White Guy Is Out There, Then You Bust Out The Junior Senator From Illinois Who Smokes And Does Cocaine.

I Don't Weigh Myself. I Just Go By If My Clothes Fit. I Try Not To Participate Too Much In The Incredible Amount Of Wasted Energy That Women Have Around Dealing With Food. I Just Feel Like Being Healthy Is Sort Of A Job Requirement To Be On Tv, And Being A Writer Is So Much Coping With Fatigue And Stress, And You Just Eat. You Eat To Stay Awake.

In Into The Woods, Cinderella Runs From Her Prince, Rapunzel Is Thrown From A Tower For Her Prince, And Sleeping Beauty Just Thought She Was Getting Coffee With Bill Cosby.

I Don't Like A Tremendous Amount Of Conflict. I Don't Think That Fighting And Passion Are The Same Thing.

I Want To Go To There.

The Thing That Always Fascinated Me About Improv Is That It's Basically A Happy Accident That You Think You're Initiating.

Happy Accidents

I Want To Spend Time With Oprah And I Don't Know What I Need To Do To Make That Happen.

Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue. In What Other Profession Would You Brag About Not Knowing Stuff? “i’m Not One Of Those Fancy Harvard Heart Surgeons. I’m Just An Unlicensed Plumber With A Dream And I’d Like To Cut Your Chest Open.” The Crowd Cheers.

I’m Not A Mean Person, But I Have A Capacity For It. I Have The Biting Comment Formed Somewhere In The Back Of My Head — Like It’s In Captivity. Sometimes People Expect That I’m Going To Be Tough. It’s Not A Bad Situation. People Treat You Better. People Are On Time.

I Was A Very Confident Little Kid.

Somewhere Around The Fifth Or Seventh Grade I Figured Out That I Could Ingratiate Myself To People By Making Them Laugh. Essentially, I Was Just Trying To Make Them Like Me. But After A While It Became Part Of My Identity.

I Keep My Eyes On The Sea, Waiting To Be Rocketed Into It On A Wave Of Fire. I'll Be Ready For It To Happen And That Way It Won't Happen. It's A Burden, Being Able To Control Situations With My Hyper-vigilance, But Its My Lot In Life.

Tracy: Stop Eating People's Old French Fries, Little Pigeon. Have Some Self-respect. Don't You Know You Can Fly?

I Wrote A One-act Play - I Can't Remember The Name Of It, But It Was Really About The Way Women Are Perceived As Leaders. In The Play, Catherine The Great Would Say Things Like, "you Know, John F. Kennedy Had Extramarital Affairs And No One Says Anything. But I Bang One Horse And Now I'm A Horse Banger For All Eternity? That's It? That's What I Am?"

A New Poll Showed That 66% Of Americans Think President Bush Is Doing A Poor Job Handling The War In Iraq And The Remaining 34% Think That Adam And Eve Rode Dinosaurs To Church.

You Don't Just Decide To Destroy A Person By Making Up Stuff, And No One At 'snl' Is Writing To Go After Someone.

I Grew Up In A Family Of Republicans. And When I Was 18 And Registering To Vote, My Mom’s Only Instruction Was ‘you Just Go In And Pull The Big Republican Lever.’ That’s My Welcome To Adulthood. She’s Like, ‘no, Don’t Even Read It. Just Pull The Republican Lever.

My Parents Are Very Well-behaved. If Anything, If My Mom Were Here Right Now, She Would Hug And Kiss Every One Of You Hello, And Then She Would Feed You.

When I Started On 'saturday Night Live,' I Had The Choice Of Wearing Contact Lenses, Which I Had Never Worn Before, Or Glasses, In Order To Be Able To Read The Cue Cards.

Trying To Be A Leader In A Sort Of Very Atypical Workplace Like 'saturday Night Live' Forces You To Realize That No One Wants You To Be Their Leader. If You Can Help Them Get Their Thing On Tv Or Whatever, They Want That. But No Adult Is Looking For A Role Model.

Start With A 'yes', And See Where That Takes You.

I Don't Want To Be Somebody Else.

I Think The Philosophy Will Continue To Be What It Always Was; Which Was, Let's Keep Throwing A Bunch Of Things At The Wall, And See What Sticks.

[...] Things Most People Do Naturally Are Often Inexplicably Difficult For Me.

Will Ferrell Is A Dangerous Man. If He Thinks You're In His Way In Show Business, He Will Crack Your Head Open. He's The Jeff Gillooly Of Comedy.

I Want To Thank My Parents For Somehow Raising Me To Have Confidence That Is Disproportionate With My Looks And Abilities.

If You Care About [the Characters] As If They Were Real, That Always Helps.

It's Easy To Fall Into The Trap Of Just Cranking Out Things That Are Good Enough To Sell.

The Eyes Are The Window To Where The Soul Is Supposed To Be.

North Korea Threatened To Attack If Sony Pictures Released The Interview, Forcing Us All To Pretend That We Wanted To See It.

If You Retain Nothing Else, Always Remember The Most Important Rule Of Beauty. “who Cares?”

If A Bout Of "creepy Face" Sets In, The Trick Is To Look Away From The Camera Between Shots And Turn Back Only When Necessary. This Also Limits How Much Of Your Soul The Camera Can Steal.

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