Background Image

...

If Nobody Is Clear On What You're Protesting, It's Not A Protest. Thousands Of People Gathered In London This Week To Voice Their Disapproval Of The G-20. Their Basic Message Being, Stop All Your Globalizing And Unite The World!

-Bill Maher

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

If Nobody Is Clear

Bill Maher

...

If Nobody Is Clear On What You're Protesting, It's Not A Protest. Thousands Of People Gathered In London This Week To Voice Their Disapproval Of The G-20. Their Basic Message Being, Stop All Your Globalizing And Unite The World!

Views: 4

Topic

More From Bill Maher

The Answer Isn't Another Pill. The Answer Is Spinach.

Paul Revere Was Warning The British About Gun Control, And George Washington Apparently Was Crossing The Delaware To Bomb An Abortion Clinic.

That Mitt Romney, He Is A Master Campaigner. This Week He Was Introducing His Wife, And He Said, 'she Is The Heavyweight Champion Of My Life.” Which May Explain Why On The Ride Home, He Was Strapped To The Roof Of The Car.

The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight, Because I Have Been Saying, For The Longest Time, That President Bush Must Set A Timetable For Removing His Head From His Ass...and, By God, Today They Went In And Looked For It... They Didn't Find It. So Now We Don't Know Where It Is, But At Least For Once In My Life, I Get To See The Words "bush", "operation", And "success" In The Same Sentence.

Nowas You All Know, This Week, Pope Benedict Told Vatican Radio—you Know, Vatican Radio, Playing The Hits From The 8th Century, 9th Century And Today—benedict Told Them He Was Going To Resign Because The Church Needs A Fresh, Young Face, Somewhere Other Than A Priest's Lap.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

Don't You Think That Being A Person Of Faith Has Become A Third Rail In American Politics? If You Want To Run For President Nowadays, You'd Better Get Out There And Say You're A Very Faith-based Person.

Mitt Romney Was Attacking Obama About Our Failing Education System. He Has A Point. We Are Graduating Millions Of People In This Country Who Are So Lacking In Basic Analytical Skills, They Are Considering Voting For Mitt Romney.

Karl Rove Described Obama As "the Guy At The Country Club With The Beautiful Date, Holding A Martini, And Making Snide Comments About Everyone Who Passes By." Unlike George Bush, Who's The Guy At The Country Club Who Makes Snide Comments, And Then Passes Out. Now This Characterization, Of Course, Was Something Mr. Rove Just Completely Pulled Out Of His Bulbous, Gelatinous A$$, But Remember This Is America, A Land Where People Believe Anything They Hear.

Faith Means Making A Virtue Out Of Not Thinking. It's Nothing To Brag About...religion Is Dangerous Because It Allows Human Beings, Who Don't Have All The Answers, To Think That They Do.

We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

You Can't Deny That Religion Has Done Some Good. It Organizes Lots Of Anti-poverty Programs And Soup Kitchens And Missionary Work. But I Would Say That, First Of All, All Those Things Can Be Accomplished Without Religion. You Can Be Ethical, Somebody Who Does The Right Thing Without Feeling That He Has To In Order To Get His Ass Saved In The Next Life.

When It Comes To Religion, We're Not Two Sides Of The Same Coin, And You Don't Get To Put Your Unreason Up On The Same Shelf With My Reason. Your Stuff Has To Go Over There, On The Shelf With Zeus And Thor And The Kraken, With The Stuff That Is Not Evidence-based, Stuff That Religious People Never Change Their Mind About, No Matter What Happens.

I Think What's Dangerous Is The Idea That Someone Can Wash Away Your Sins.

During The Debate, Bush Was Asked By A Lady To Name Three Mistakes He's Made. And Bush Responded, This Debate, The Last Debate And The Next Debate.

Life Is About Making Tough Choices. Sometimes You Have To Go Where Your Career Is Going.

For The First Time Since 1979, We Are Talking To The Islamic Republic Of Iran. Obama Says Talking To Him Is Probably Pointless, But It's A Hell Of A Relief From Mitch Mcconnell.

It's So Childish, "greatest Country In The World." It's Like Saying, "i Have The Greatest Wife In The World. Not Just The One Best Suited For Me, The Greatest Wife In The World. And If You Could Have My Wife, You'd Kill Your Wife."

If You Believe That The World Is Going To Come To An End - And Perhaps Any Day Now - Does It Not Drain One's Motivation To Improve Life On Earth While We're Here?

I Don't Know Anyone Less Jesus Like Than Christians.

The Clinton White House Today Said They Would Start To Give National Security And Intelligence Briefings To George Bush. I Don't Know How Well This Is Working Out. Today After The First One Bush Said, 'i've Got One Question: What Color Is The Red Phone?'

Now, I'm No Doctor, But I Am On Tv. And In My Professional Opinion, George Bush Is A Paranoid Schizophrenic.

This Party Is Just Full Of Children, And Someone Needs To Leave Them In A Hot Car.

Your Fuselage Shouldn't Open More Easily Than Your Pretzel Bag.

If You Have A Gun, You Can Rob A Bank, But If You Have A Bank, You Can Rob Everyone.

Ronald Reagan Basically Legalized Every Illegal Immigrant In This Country. I Just Like To Bring This Up Because Every Week I Like To Make Republican Heads Explode About How They Love Ronald Reagan, But Would Despise Everything He Did.

Let's Be Honest, Half The Marriages End In Divorce. For Me, It's Never Made Much Sense. I Have A Girlfriend And I'm Not Interested In Anyone Else, But I Still Wouldn't Want To Bring The Federal And State Government Into My Life.

The House Okayed The Gasoline Tax Cut, Which Will Increase The Deficit, Line The Pockets Of The Oil Companies, And Hurt The Environment; Dole Said That If There Was Just Some Way This Could Interfere With People's Sex Lives, It Would Be Perfect Legislation.

We're All Gonna Be Gay If We Get Health Care!

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

There's No Greater Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ.

It's All Been Satirized For Your Protection.

Trying To Get Today's Republicans To Accept Basic Facts Is Like Trying To Get Your Dog To Take A Pill. You Have To Feed Them The Truth Wrapped In A Piece Of Baloney, Hold Their Snouts Shut And Stroke Their Throats. And Even Then, Just When You Think They've Swallowed It, They Spit It Out On The Linoleum.

A Flu Shot Is The Worst Thing You Can Do.

Just Be Happy That Something Traveled 5,000 Miles Across The Pacific And, For Once, It Wasn't Your Job.

I Hear This All The Time: 'obama's Policies Aren't Working.' He Hasn't Been Allowed To Put His Policies Into Place.

When You Look At Belief In Such Things - As Do You Go To Heaven, Is There A Devil - We Have More In Common With (muslin Countries) Turkey And Iran And Syria Than We Do With European Nations And Canada And Nations That, Yes, I Would Consider More Enlightened That Us.

What Mostly Prevents Black People From Voting Is That Drug Laws Send Them To Prison, And Then They Can't Vote.

You Know, If You're An American And You're Born At This Time In History Especially, You're Lucky. We All Are. We Won The World History Powerball Lottery...

In Ancient Times They Sacrificed The Virgins. Men Were Not About To Sacrifice The Sluts!

Based On Every Statement I’ve Heard Out Of Any Republican In The Last Two Years, The Israelis Are Controlling Our Government.

Republicans Are Always Saying We Should Privatize Things Like Schools, Prisons, Social Security - Hey, How About We Privatize Privacy! Because If The Government Forbids Gay Men From Tying The Knot, What Is Their Alternative? They Can`t All Marry Liza Minnelli.

If You Believe Jesus Ever Had A Good Word For War Or Torture Or Tax Cuts For The Rich, Or Raping The Earth, Or Refusing Water To Dying Migrants, Then You Might As Well Believe Bunnies Lay Painted Eggs.

There's More Than One Mosque In The World That Used To Be A Church And Before That Was A Temple. Because It's A Lot Easier To Just Change The Sign On The Top And Say Under New Management Than It Is To Change The Whole Building.

I Kid Fox News, But They May Be A Little Biased. We Had An Earthquake Here On Monday, And They Reported That 'the Earth's Crust Was Emboldened By Obama's Weakness.'

Only Cowards Push A Button From Thousands Of Miles Away, Or Tens Of Thousands Of Feet Up, To Kill People Who Can't Possibly Fight Back.

Obama Has Had More Fundraisers Than The Last Six Presidents Combined. And He's Still Losing In The Money Race!

I Never Thought I'd Say This, What Obama Needs In His Personality Is A Little George Bush.

To Most Christians, The Bible Is Like A Software License. Nobody Actually Reads It. They Just Scroll To The Bottom And Click 'i Agree'.

It Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.

New Rule: There Is No Devil, So Stop Blaming Your Screw-ups On Him. Last Week, One Of The Biggest Evangelical Leaders In America, The Reverend Ted Haggard, Was Outed For Drugs And Extramarital Gay Sex With A Male Prostitute. Or As Fox News Reported It, 'john Kerry Hates Our Troops'.

Fame Has Sent A Number Of Celebrities Off The Deep End, And In The Case Of Michael Jackson, To The Kiddy Pool.

I Believe Only Foreigners Should Run For President...face It, The Presidency Is A Lousy Job. And Who Does Lousy Jobs We Don't Want Anymore Better Than Foreigners?

I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

Hey Birthers, Wanna Hear My Theory? My Theory Was That Obama Was Born In America And You Were Born With The Umbilical Cord Around Your Neck.

Let's Face It; God Has A Big Ego Problem. Why Do We Always Have To Worship Him?

Ninety Percent Of People Support Background Checks. Which Means Even People Who Can't Pass A Background Check Support Background Checks.

Remember, Guns Don't Kill People - Unless You Practice Real Hard.

Look, I Have Never Made A Secret Of The Fact That I Have Tried Marijuana... About 50,000 Times.

Meat Is Dirty. I Wouldn't Touch A Hot Dog Without A Condom On It

The Whole Dating Ritual Was Different When I Was A Kid. Girls Got Pinned, Not Nailed.

Why Is Mitt Romney Not Bragging: 'i Covered All These People'? Why Can't The Democrats Sell The Idea, We're Trying To Make You Well? Is That Such A Hard Sale?

I Said I Didn't Respect Religion... And Anyone Who Believes In Fairy Tales To Answer Questions That We Can't Answer... So I Don't Respect Our Religions Either. But I Do Believe It Is A Clash Of Civilizations, Absolutely, Between The Islamic World And The Western World. It Has Been Going On For 1,000 Years.

Sex Is Too Easy For Women To Get, And Too Hard For Men. I Mean, Honestly, For A Man To Walk Into Someplace And Have Every Woman Ready To Take Him Home, He'd Have To Rule The World. A Woman Would Have To Do Her Hair.

If You Think Democrats Are Going To Take Away Your Bible, You're An Idiot. If You Think They Are Going To Take Away Your Gun, You're An Armed Idiot. If You Think They're Going To Take Away Your Gun And Give It To A Mexican To Kill Your God, You're Bill O'reilly.

I'd Just Like To Know What A Cop Would Have To Do To Get Indicted - And What Good Are Cop Cameras Since Eric Garner Is On Tape?

Look At The List Of Liberals Who Are Active In Politics, If Not Running. Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Springsteen, Spielberg... And Then You Look At The Conservatives, It's Like Chuck Norris, Bo Derek And The Gatlin Brothers. I Don't Know If Being Liberal Makes You More Right, But It Does Seem Like It Makes You More Talented.

Beating Newt Gingrich In A Popularity Contest Is Like Beating Stephen Hawking In 'dancing With The Stars.'

New Rule: If An Evangelical Tries To Use Halloween To Pimp Jesus To Kids, They Get To Egg His House. On Halloween, The President Of The American Family Association Urged His Flock To Hand Out A Christian-based Comic Book Instead Of Candy. Excuse Me, Halloween Isn't A Time To Push Your Beliefs. You Don't See Me Handing Out Pot To Kids...okay, Well Not The Little Kids.

Nobody In America Who Wants Pot Has Any Trouble Getting It, So Maybe That's Why We Aren't Seeing Support For Legalization. People Don't Think It's Necessary To Legalize It, Because It's So Easy To Get It.

There's A Phrase We Live By In America: "in God We Trust". It's Right There Where Jesus Would Want It: On Our Money.

When I Was 5-years-old, I Knew Who Khrushchev Was.

I Think There Is A Problem, Though, With The Media Gushing Over [obama] Too Much. I Don't Think He Thinks That He's All That, But The Media Does. I Mean, The Coverage After, That I Was Watching, From Msnbc, I Mean These Guys Were Ready To Have Sex With Him.it's Embarrassing.

The Nypd Must Stop Acting Like The Only Thing Black People Do Is Run From Them And Shoot At Them. Believe It Or Not There Are Some Black New Yorkers Who Won't Run And Can't Shoot -- They're Called The #‎ Knicks .

New Rule: 'kidiots' Leave The Children Behind. At Least Until They Learn Something. A New Study Has Shown That Half Of American High Schools Agree That Newspapers Should Only Be Able To Publish Government-approved Material. Almost One Out Of Five Said People Should Not Be Allowed To Voice Unpopular Opinions..this Is The First Generation After September 11th, Who Discovered News During A 'watch What You Say' Administration...george W. Bush Once Asked, 'is Our Children Learning.' No, They Isn't. A Better Question Would Be, 'is Our Teacher's Teaching?

Barack Obama Is The President Of The United States, A Politician In America, A Very Religious Country, So I Understand Why He Has To Pretend To Be A Religious Person Himself. I Say Pretend Because, I Can Only Hope That Someone As Bright As He, Wouldn't Really Believe That People Can Walk On Water And Ride A Winged Horse And Rain Frogs And You Can Change Water Into Wine.

I Like Groaning. That Means That You're Not Pandering To Their Already Settled Prejudices.

Anyone Who Tells You That They Know, They Just Know What Happens When You Die, I Promise You, You Dont. How Can I Be So Sure? Because I Dont Know And You Do Not Possess Mental Powers That I Do Not.

I Get The Playboy Thing A Lot. People Assume I Go Out With Bimbos. I Couldn`t Go Out With Bimbos If I Tried! I Scare Them Off! The Women That Like Me Are Smart. So I Go To The Playboy Mansion Four Or Five Times A Year, But People Think I Go All The Time.

Romney, Gingrich, Santorum Spent Their Week Lecturing America About The Morality Of Birth Control. You Know, You Guys Don't Need Birth Control, You Are Birth Control.

There's More Attention Paid To Entertainers Than Ever And Less That They Have To Say. Not That Entertainers Were Ever A Great Beacon Of Knowledge To Begin With, But At Least When The Beatles Were The Leaders Of The Culture, They Had A Message. It Was Brief; It Wasn't Terribly Complicated. "give Peace A Chance." "all You Need Is Love." But At Least They Were Trying. At Least They Had Grown.

Bush The Younger Has Two Things Going For Him That His Father Never Had. One: An Easy Charm With Regular People And Two: The Power To Make Them Disappear Without A Trial.

To Me A Real Patriot Is Like A Real Friend. Who's Your Real Friend? It's The Person Who Tells You The Truth. That's Who My Real Friends Are. So, You Know, I Think As Far As Our Country Goes, We Need More People Who Will Do That.

When The Tabloids Photograph Me When I'm Out, I Always Say: "you Know What, Folks? I'm Not Married And I'm Not Gay. You Caught Me With A Hot Chick. You Got Me. Take Me To Hot-chick Jail. Did It Again. Guilty."

One Of The Advantages Of Atheism Is Takes So Little Of Your Time.

I Hear A Lot Of Talk Today About Xenophobia. Is It Really Phobia If You Have Something To Be Afraid Of?

Only A Bush Could Answer A 'yes' Or 'no' Question Two Different Ways And Be Wrong Both Times.

Religions Are Maintained By People. People Who Can't Get Laid, Because Sex Is The First Great Earthly Pleasure. But If You Can't Get That, Power Is A Pretty Good Second One. And That's What Religion Gives To People. Power. Power Is Sex For People Who Can't Get Or Don't Want Or Aren't Any Good At Sex Itself.

When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

It's A Good Time To Say "oh" And Take Stock And Say, "gee, How Was I Ethically This Year?" That's The Problem With Faith, Joe. What It Does Is It Kind Of Screws Up Your Priorities. Your Priorities Shouldn't Be Saving Your Own Ass, Which Is The Focus Of Christianity. The Focus Should Be, I'm A Good Person, And I Do That Just For The Sake Of Being Good. Like The Christmas Song Says, "be Good For Goodness' Sake."

Mitt Romney Comes From A Mormon Background. I Don't Know How Many Wives He Has. I'm Not Saying That I Believe In That, I'm Just Saying He Was Born On A Mormon Compound. I'm Not A 'wifer' But For Some Reason He's Never Shown His Original Marriage Certificate.

I Just Don't Think A Lot Of Republicans Like It When Single Women Have Sex.

New Rule: Stop Calling It Obamacare. It's Not Like Obama Will Be The Doctor For Your Next Prostate Exam. That's Just A Common Fantasy Of Republican Men.

In This Country, A Smart Leader Is Suspect. That's Just The Way It Is. Even George Bush's Father, Who Was A Lot Smarter Than The Son, Had To Sort Of Prove That He Wasn't That Bright.

Eell There Always Is A Tendency In Human Nature To Deify.

We Are A Nation That Is Unenlightened Because Of Religion. I Do Believe That. I Think That Religion Stops People From Thinking. I Think It Justifies Crazies.

Americans Are Gluttons. We Shop With Forklifts. We Have A Holiday Where We Stuff Food Into Other Food. Our Strippers Wrestle In Jell-o, Where Other Countries Have To Use Mud.

The Worst Years Of My Life Were The First Two Years I Was Doing Standup. You're Learning How To Do, And You're Going On Stage In Front Of Two Drunks And People Aren't Laughing And You're Broke. That's A Really Hard Time In Your Life.

People Have To Stop Saying That Just Because Someone Is An Anti-gay Activist They Might Be Gay. They're Definitely Gay!!

I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

I Feel Terrible For A Palestinian Child Who Dies. But, If It's Your Father, Your Brother Or Your Uncle Who Was Firing Those Rockets Into Israel, Whose Fault Is It Really? Do You Really Expect The Israelis Not To Retaliate?

If There Is Such A Thing As Karma, Let's Hope That Sarah Palin Comes Back As A Wolf Being Shot At From A Plane.

I Couldn't Run For Any Office. I Think That Religion Is Bad, Weed Is Good, And Babies Are Disgusting; Who Would Vote For Me?

And He Said That 47%-that's Pretty High-47% Of Americans Are Basically Welfare Bums Who Are Mooching Off The Government. And Then He Said, 'my Job Is Not To Worry About Those People.' You Know, Where Do People Get This Stuff That Mitt Romney Is A Heartless, Calculating C**ksucker?

A Flu Shot Just Compromises Your Immune System.

People Have Romantic Notions About Television. In The Highest Realms They Think It's Some Sort Of Art Medium, And It's Not. Others Think It's An Entertainment Medium, It's Not That Either. It's An Advertising Medium. It's A Method To Deliver Advertising Like A Cigarette Is A Method To Deliver Nicotine.

A New Biography Came Out That Says That In High School Obama Was A Huge Pothead … Mitt Romney Had To Respond To This And Said, ‘it Is Appalling That Obama Spent His Teenage Years Goofing Around And Smoking Pot When He Should Have Been Pinning Down Gay Kids And Cutting Their Hair.

When People Say To Me, 'you Hate America,' I Don't Hate America. I Love America. I Am Just Embarrassed That It Has Been Taken Over By People Like Evangelicals, By People Who Do Not Believe In Science And Rationality. It Is The 21st Century. And I Will Tell You, My Friend. The Future Does Not Belong To The Evangelicals. The Future Does Not Belong To Religion.

This Is A Ridiculous Heat Wave We're In Right Now, And To Contribute, Newt Gingrich Said That For The Entire Month Of June, He Will Stop Blowing Hot Air.

The Shame Would Be If Democrats Get Thrown Out Of Office Without Ever Having Tried Democratic Policies.

Arnold Was On The 'today' Show Today, He Was A Little Light On Specifics. He Said He Could Solve California's $38 Billion Budget Deficit, Without Cutting Spending Or Raising Taxes Because There Was A Third Way. What Is It? Let's Just Say It Involves A Robot Going Back In Time To Convince Gray Davis To Go Into Dentistry.

The Only Way For Mankind To Survive Is For Religion To Die.

When I Was In High School The Worst Thing You Could Ever Get Was Vd. Talk About The Sniffles! I Just Want To Meet An Old-fashioned Girl With Gonorrhea.

The Politicians Are No Prizes, But The People Are Even Worse, They're So Ill-informed. I Never Understand The Pushback When I Say People Are Stupid.

Unemployment Is Down, Confidence Is Up, Dow 5,000 Above Bush - Or As Republicans Put It, Let's Talk About Gay People And Abortion!

That's Ended, That's Over. I Want You To Meet My Pimps. I Thought, I'm A Show-business Ho Already, So I Might As Well Be A Real Ho.

I Want To Always Be An Interloper. I Never Want To Feel Like I'm A Guy Who Is Embraced By The People Who Are Putting Me On The Air. I Want To Feel Like I Broke Into The Studio And Took Over And Made Them Mad. If I'm Not Doing That, I'm Not Doing My Job.

Attorney General John Ashcroft Is In Intensive Care. He's Suffering From A Severe Case Of Pancreatitis, Which They Can't Really Figure Out Because He's Not Really A Drinker. They Think He Might Have Picked Up Some Type Of Infection While Wiping His Ass With The Bill Of Rights.

Republicans Say That Sex Is Bad, Because With Them It Always Is. It Is!...i'm Sorry, But They're Just Doughy, Asexual, Wonky, White People, And If You Had To Have Sex With Them It Would Be Over In An Excruciating Three Minutes. It's Just, - And From The Headlines Of The Past Year I Gather The Only Sex They're Really Good At, Is Gay Sex. Really.

The Other Guys Are Selling Certainty. Not Me. I'm On The Corner With Doubt.

You Would Think There Is A Higher Bar Than Having A Facebook Page To Run For President.

Even When [federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke Said The Recession Was Over ... You Think That Would Have Been A Bigger Boom Somewhere, But It Seems We Just Take Everything In Stride.

I Would Describe My Spirituality As Exactly The Opposite Of Having A Religious Affiliation.

Glenn Beck Retired Or Got Fired...and A Lot Of People Are Asking Who Will Now Speak For The Raving Lunatics Who Startle You Outside Of A Parking Garage?

I Always Say People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right. I Like To Be Nice Too, But Come On. People Frequently Ask Me, What Is My Definition Of Politically Correct. My Answer Is Always The Same: The Elevation Of Sensitivity Over Truth. People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right, Rather Be Sensitive Than True. Well, Being Nice And Sensitive Are Important, But They're Not More Important Than Being Right; They're Not More Important Than The Truth.

Married Men Live Longer. Yes. And An Indoor Cat Also Lives Longer. It's A Furball With A Broken Spirit, That Can Only Look Out On A World It Can Never Enjoy. But It Does Technically Live Longer.

To Give You An Idea How Slowly We Are Leaving Afghanistan, Afghans Don't Refer To Us Anymore As 'infidel Crusaders.' They Refer To Us As 'irish Relatives.'

We Have The Bill Of Rights. What We Need Is A Bill Of Responsibilities.

John Kerry Is Finding Out That It Is No Fun To Be The Front Runner, That's When You Get All The Heat. He Had To Deny Internet Rumors This Week That He Had Botox Treatments. The Republicans Say Kerry Should Have A Clear, Unfurrowed Brow The Old Fashioned Way By Not Giving A Sh--.

I'd Like To Protect Children, Too, But... Is Everything Worth Sacrificing To That? I Mean, Drugs Have Done A Lot Of Good... They've Midwived A Lot Of Good Ideas... Lot Of Great Songs, You Know? I Think "penny Lane" Is Worth 10 Dead Kids... I Think Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. There, I Said It.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Come Out Against Gay Marriage. He Said Marriage Is A Sacred Union Between A Groupie And Any Number Of Body Builders.

John Mccain, Who Once Called Jerry Falwell And Pat Robertson 'forces Of Evil', Has Now Come Out For Teaching Intelligent Design. That Is Sad, When Smart People Have To Pretend To Be So Dumb To Get Elected.

If You're Living Hand-to-mouth, And Still Buying Into The Con That The Big Threats To America Are Socialized Medicine, Mexican Immigrants And Tax Increases, Then You're Not Being Kept Down By The Rich. You're Being Kept Down By You.

Whoever Needs The Relationship Less Has All The Power.

New Rule: I Don't Give Two Fingleberries And A Mcshit-all That Dumbledore Is Gay. I Never Wanted To Know Who Dumbledore Was In The First Place. Let Alone His Sexuality. What Concerns Me Is Adults Who Read 800-page Books About Magic Schoolboys... And Then Try To Talk To Me About It. If I Had The Slightest Interest In Homosexuals With Powers, I'd Be A Republican.

The Difference Between A Hockey Mom And A Pit Bull: At Some Point, A Pit Bull Does Stop Whining.

The Senate Decided They Will Be Smoke-free. They Ordained That All Public Areas In The Senate Are Now Smoke-free. However, The Senators Themselves Will Still Be Allowed To Blow Smoke Up Each Other's Asses.

Is It Like Gay Men Go Into The Priesthood Because They Figure, Well, This'll Solve My Problem. I Can't Be A Homosexual In The Priesthood; It'll Just Go Away. Maybe I'll Try It With The Republican Party.

I Know A Whole Generation Has Been Raised On The Notion Of Multiculturalism; That All Civilizations Are Just Different. No! Not Always. Sometimes Things Are Better! Rule Of Law Is Better Than Autocracy And Theocracy; Equality Of The Sexes, Better; Protection Of Minorities, Better; Free Speech, Better; Free Elections, Better; Free Appliances With Large Purchases, Better! Don't Get So Tolerant That You Tolerate Intolerance.

Every Time Somebody Says 'islamophobia' It Gives The People Who Are Intimidating Cover.

If You Have A Few Hundred Followers And You Let Some Of Them Molest Children, They Call You A Cult Leader. If You Have A Billion, They Call You Pope.

There's A New Ipad Out...people Are Going Nuts For This Thing...and, Today, Mitt Romney Said, 'it's A Flat Piece Of White Plastic. If You Can Love It, Why Not Me?'

Suicide Is Man's Way Of Telling God, 'you Can't Fire Me - I Quit.'

Americans Are Used To Being Pandered To And Spoon-fed Everything. In A Culture That Needs Caffeine-free Cherry Chocolate Diet Coke, You'd Best Deliver Information With Entertainment.

I Think The Funniest Stuff Comes From The Heaviest Stuff.

You Can’t Be A Rational Person Six Days A Week And On One Day Of The Week, Go To A Building, And Think You Are Drinking The Blood Of A Two Thousand Year Old Space God. That Doesn’t Make You A Person Of Faith…, That Makes You A Schizophrenic.

What Is It With Conservatives? Seriously, I'm Not Trying To Be Partisan But It Seems Like If They're Anti-illegal Alien, They Have Illegal Aliens Working For Them. If They're Anti-gay, They Turn Out To Be Gay. If They're Super Christian, They're A Witch.

Disneyland's A Mess. And It's Not Just The Measles. Donald Duck Has Bird Flu. Pocahontas Has Small Pox. The Little Mermaid Has Crabs. And The Monorail? Mono.

The Only Sport I Really Get Into Is Snowboarding. Cause That's The Only Sport Where They Perform A Half Pipe Just After Smoking A Full Pipe.

I'll Show You Obama's Birth Certificate When You Show Me Sarah Palin's High School Diploma.

They Are Having A Panel Look Into The Intelligence Failures In Iraq. It Is A Seven-person Panel And It Will Include Senator John Mccain, But The Findings From This Panel Will Not Be Issued Until After The Election. President Bush Says The Commission Can Go Off And Report Back In A Year, You Know, The Same Way It Works In The Texas National Guard.

New Rule: Tulips Aren't Flowers. They're Some Kind Of Gay Onion.

I Have Such Disdain For Anybody Who Gets Joy Out Of Blowing The Stuffing Out Of A Little Woodland Creature, That I Don't Really Care If Any Of Them Gets Shot.

Clint Eastwood's Speech Was Kind Of A Metaphor For The Entire Republican Party: A Confused Old Person Yelling At Something That Doesn't Exist.

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

The Jury Could Get The Case As Early As Next Week, But The Defense Says They Just Want To Introduce One Last-minute Load Of Crap.

Atheism Is A Religion The Way Abstinence Is A Sex Position.

The Problem Is That The People With The Most Ridiculous Ideas Are Always The People Who Are Most Certain Of Them.

I See They Found Out The Universe Is 80 Million Years Older Than We Thought. It's Also Been Lying About Its Weight.

What I Have Against Religion Is That They Start You When You Are So Defenseless. I Mean, I Was Three When They Started Pumping This Bullshit Into My Head. I Believed In Santa Claus And The Fairy Godmother, Of Course I Believed In A Virgin Birth, And A Guy Lived In A Whale, And A Woman Came From A Rib. But Then Something Happened That Made Me Doubt All Of It: I Graduated Sixth Grade!

You Can Behead People, You Can Crucify Them, You Can Cut Their Hearts Out And Eat Them On Youtube...but, Don't Screw With The Place Where God Hid America's Oil.

It's Been Over A Year Since They've Graduated, But Neither Of The Bush Twins Have Found Any Work. Why Don't They Sign Up (for Military Service In Iraq)? Do They Hate America, Or Just Freedom In General?

You Can Always Tell When Obama's Negotiations With The Republicans Are Winding Down, Because He's Missing His Watch And His Lunch Money.

I Saw This Anti-drug Commercial That Showed A Kid Smoking Pot In His Dad`s Room With His Friend. This Kid Finds A Gun, The Gun Accidentally Goes Off And Kills His Friend. Only In America Is The Villain In This Commercial Not Guns Or Bad Parenting, But Pot.

I'm Staying In A Strange Hotel. I Called Room Service For A Sandwich And They Sent Up Two Hookers.

It's Supposed To Be A Good Thing That He's Got This Dialogue Started. To Me, I Think, I Just Took Away Something Bad From It, Because, Apparently He Had To Do This Not To Convince Them Of Anything. To Educate Them.

New Rule: If Churches Don't Have To Pay Taxes, They Also Can't Call The Fire Department When They Catch Fire. Sorry Reverend, That's One Of Those Services That Goes Along With Paying In. I'll Use The Fire Department I Pay For. You Can Pray For Rain.

People Are Either Good Or They're Not. Religion Doesn't Make Anybody Good, I Don't Think.

The Only Thing I Hate Worse Than Prophecy Is Self-fulfilling Prophecy

The People Who Got Everything Wrong Are Back On Tv Talking About The Place They Got All Wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It's Like Satan's Vip List For Hell.

Your Taxes Are Due A Week From Today. You Can Make Out Your Check Directly To Halliburton. Or You Can Do What I'm Going To Do. I'm Filing My First Joint Return. No, I'm Not Getting Married, I'm Sending The Irs An Actual Joint With A Note That Says, 'if You Think I'm Paying For This War, You Must Be High.'

I Think I Know Now Why We Are Occupying Iraq. In Case We Have To Sell America And Move To A Smaller Country.

If Anybody Is So Mad At Vladimir Putin, You Know What They Could Do? They Could Advocate For A Gas Tax. He Gets All His Leverage From Selling Gas And Oil. If We Had A Gas Tax That Made That Less Palatable, He Would Be Less Of A Player On The World Stage.

When You Get People Who Are Out Of Office, Suddenly Their Tongues Loosen Up And Suddenly They Say The Things That You Wish They'd Said Or Did When They Were In Office.

Between Ron Paul And Rick Perry, I Think The Lesson Is Don't Get Sick In Texas.

Our Mistakes From The Past Are Just That: Mistakes. And They Were Necessary To Make In Order To Become The Wiser Person We Became.

New Rule: The People Of America Who Were Most In Favor Of The Iraq War Must Now Go There And Fight It.

Which Is Why I'd Like To Tip Off Law Enforcement To An Even Larger Child-abusing Religious Cult. Its Leader Also Has A Compound, And This Guy Not Only Operates Outside The Bounds Of The Law, But He Used To Be A Nazi And He Wears Funny Hats. That's Right, The Pope Is Coming To America This Week And Ladies, He's Single!

God Knows Life Sucks. It's Right There In The Bible. The Book Of Job Is All About Job Asking God To Take Away Pain And Misery. And God Says, "i Can't Take Away Pain And Misery Because Then No One Would Talk To Me."

In Republican Fantasy World, Everything Is Always Obama's Fault. Somehow, He's Weak And He's Ineffective, And Yet He Pulls The Strings On Everything In The World.

If You, The Citizen, Deliberately Vote For Someone Who Won't Give You Healthcare Over Someone Who Will, You Need To Have Your Head Examined. Except You Can't Afford To Have Your Head Examined.

Their [republicans] Approach To A Woman's Body Is The Same As Their Approach To The Economy: They Have No Idea How It Works, But They're Eager To Screw With It Anyway.

Greed Can Overtake Smart.

Religion, It Stops People From Thinking Because They Think All The Answers Are In That One Book; It Impedes Progress; It Justifies Crazy People. Flying Planes Into A Building Was A Faith-based Initiative.

In America, If A Democrat Even Thinks You're Calling Him Liberal He Grabs An Orange Vest And A Rifle And Heads Into The Woods To Kill Something.

Obama Is Huge In The Polls These Days. His Popularity Is Soaring. Even Conservatives Are Coming Around. 30 Percent Of Them Now Believe Obama Deserves A Green Card.

The Teachers Don't Know Anything. What Are The Kids Going To Learn With A Horrible Education System?

I Love The Tea Party. They Are The Ultimate Beer Goggles. They Make Everything Look Better.

Newt Gingrich Was Campaigning At A Zoo This Week And He Was Bitten By A Penguin. Newt Gingrich Is Always Campaigning At Zoos. Mitt Romney Once Did A Photo Op At A Zoo. That Was A Big Mistake, Because He Stood Next To The Chameleon, And He Changed Colors.

Just Because Your Tattoo Has Chinese Characters In It Doesn't Make You Spiritual. It's Right Above The Crack Of Your Ass, And It Translate To Beef With Broccoli. The Last Time You Did Anything Spiritual, You Were Praying To God You Weren't Pregnant. You're Not Spiritual. You're Just High.

Last Week, I Suggested The Candidates Take Up Mushrooms. I'll Be Damned If Rick Perry Didn't Take Me Up On That.

I Never Hear Terrorists Say 'merry Christmas,' Only 'allahu Akbar'.

Merry Christmas

I Don't Think George Bush Is A Good President By Any Imagination, But When He Said, 'if You're Talking To Al-quaeda, We Want To Know What It's About,' It Just Proves One Thing: If You're President Long Enough, You Will One Day Say Something That Is True.

I'm Not Into Western Medicine. That To Me Is A Complete Scare Tactic.

[obamacare] Was Going To Be The Republicans' Big Issue, And They're Not Talking About It Because It's Working.

Of Course, There Are Questions That Plague All Of Us. How Did We Get Here? What Happens When We Die? Is There A Heaven? Am I On The List? Who Let The Dogs Out?

I Think America Causes Cancer, Longevity Is Less Important Than Fun, And Young People Should Be Discouraged From Voting.

Rick Perry Said Obama's Suggestions For Gun Control Disgust Him. He Said The Real Answer To This Problem Isn't Laws, It's Prayer. You Know, I Know You're Not Supposed To Say This About Elected Officials, But I Would Pay To See Rick Perry Defend Himself Against A School Shooter With Prayer.

To All Conservative Women Out There: If You Are So Sure The Embryo Needed For Stem Cell Research Are Precious Human Life That Can't Be Destroyed, Then Implant One In Your Uterus And Bring It To Term. That's Right, Put Your Cervix Where Your Mouth Is.

When We Make Mistakes They Call It Evil

Making Mistakes

Trending Author

Category