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I Want To Always Be An Interloper. I Never Want To Feel Like I'm A Guy Who Is Embraced By The People Who Are Putting Me On The Air. I Want To Feel Like I Broke Into The Studio And Took Over And Made Them Mad. If I'm Not Doing That, I'm Not Doing My Job.

-Bill Maher

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I Want To Always

Bill Maher

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I Want To Always Be An Interloper. I Never Want To Feel Like I'm A Guy Who Is Embraced By The People Who Are Putting Me On The Air. I Want To Feel Like I Broke Into The Studio And Took Over And Made Them Mad. If I'm Not Doing That, I'm Not Doing My Job.

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God Makes Trees, He Doesn't Write Books.

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I Know Climate Change Is A Hoax – Of Course – But Places That Have Never Seen This Type Of Winter Weather Got Hit By It. More Than A Half A Million Southerners Have Been Left In The Dark --- And Then The Storm Hit.

Look, I Have Never Made A Secret Of The Fact That I Have Tried Marijuana... About 50,000 Times.

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People Have To Stop Saying That Just Because Someone Is An Anti-gay Activist They Might Be Gay. They're Definitely Gay!!

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Beating Newt Gingrich In A Popularity Contest Is Like Beating Stephen Hawking In 'dancing With The Stars.'

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Rick Perry Said Obama's Suggestions For Gun Control Disgust Him. He Said The Real Answer To This Problem Isn't Laws, It's Prayer. You Know, I Know You're Not Supposed To Say This About Elected Officials, But I Would Pay To See Rick Perry Defend Himself Against A School Shooter With Prayer.

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If I Thought The Lord Was Speaking To Me I'd Check Myself Into Bellevue, And I Think You Should Too.

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The American People Don't Really Care What Side Of An Issue You're On. They Just Don't Want You To Act Like A Pussy.

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I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

I'll Clue You In On A Secret: Death Is Not The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You. I Know We Think That; We Are The First Society Ever To Think That. It's Not Worse Than Dishonor; It's Not Worse Than Losing Your Freedom; Its Not Worse Than Losing A Sense Of Personal Responsibility.

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All Across The Middle East In The Streets, People Are Demanding Democracy. It's Amazing. The Only Way In America You Get People To Get Worked Up Like That Is To Threaten To Give Them Health Care.

Recently, There's Been A Trend In America That I Find Very Disturbing... Rewarding Immoral And Illegal Behavior...for Example, We Now Give Free Needles To Junkies, Which Seems To Me To Be Only A Step Away From Giving Condoms To Rapists.

North Carolina Right Now Is Going Apeshit In A Way No State Ever Has. Take Every Crazy, Angry Idea Your Drunk, Right-wing Uncle Mumbles At Thanksgiving, Turn It Into A Law, And That’s North Carolina Today.

John Kerry Made A Joke About Bush Being A Moron, And Now Bush Wants Morons To Think It Was A Joke Was About The Troops. ... Now, John Kerry Has Apologized. He Said He Made A Botched Joke And Admitted That He Has A Joking Problem. He Has Checked Into An Improv Group And Revealed That As A Child, He Was Molested By A Clown.

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

Religion, To Me, Is A Bureaucracy Between Man And God That I Don't Need.

When You Tolerate Intolerance, You're Not Really Being A Liberal.

I Think Religion Is A Neurological Disorder.

The Country Can't Get Well If The People Are Sick. And The People Are Sick.

What Kind Of Tyrant Punishes Everyone Just To Get Back At The Few He's Mad At? I Mean, Besides Chris Christie.

If We Stopped Calling It Profiling And Started Calling It "proactive Intelligence Screening" Or "high Alert Detecting", People Would Be Saying "well, It's About Time".

I Hate Religion. I Think It's A Neurological Disorder.

It's A Little Strange When You Have Never Been To War, And You Eye-roll About A Guy Who's Got Shrapnel Still In His Body, As Chuck Hagel Does.

I Urge The Media To Start Referring To Climate Skeptics As What They Really Are: Climate Assholes.

So When I Say We Had Been The Cowards, Yes, That's What I Meant, We As A Society. And That's Everybody, Including Myself. I Had Been Screaming About The Drug War And This War And Other Wars. I Should Have Been More On Terrorism, Too. So Should You, So Should Everybody.

I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

New Rule: News Organizations Have To Stop Using The Phrase: "we Go Beyond The Headlines." That's Your Job, Dummy. You Don't See American Airlines Saying, "we Land Our Jets On The Runway"!

The People Who Got Everything Wrong Are Back On Tv Talking About The Place They Got All Wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It's Like Satan's Vip List For Hell.

It Somehow Became An Article Of Faith On The Right That Obama Is The Most Extreme President In American History. Although, When They Say That, I Think What They Really Mean Is...he's Black.

How Can The Republicans Get Away With Picking Their Dennis Kucinich, But When - If The Democrats Tried It, All Hell Would Break Lose?

I Can't Stay Mad At Pope Frank. I Just Can't. It's A Funny Situation That I Like The Pope And Mel Gibson Doesn't.

I Believe In God, I Just Give Him More Credit Than Being A Single Parent And An Author.

I Would Describe My Spirituality As Exactly The Opposite Of Having A Religious Affiliation.

You Can't Lie To Kids About Drugs. They Know About Drugs. You Can't Say They're Just All Bad. They Know Life Is A Little More Complicated. I Have Never Done Heroin. I Would Never Recommend Heroin, But It Hasn't Hurt My Record Collection.

New Rule: Since Our New National Position On Science Is, "screw It, We Prefer Witchcraft," Let's Not Just Retire The Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's Drive It To One Of The Five Stupidest States And Have The Locals Beat It With Sticks. Putting It In A Museum Is Too Dangerous. Someone Could Steal It, Fly It Into Space And Notice We Revolve Around The Sun.

If You Want To Get Rich With A Tax Free Enterprise That Sells Nothing, Start A Church.

During The Depression, Or Back When We Were Fighting Hitler, People Didn't Have Time To Sue A Company If The Coffee Was Too Hot. There Were Urgent, Pressing Problems. If You Think You Have It Tough, Read History Books.

People Say I'm Into Black Women. Robert De Niro Is Into Black Women. I'm Just Into Women Who Are Real, And They Happen To Be Black.

And He Said That 47%-that's Pretty High-47% Of Americans Are Basically Welfare Bums Who Are Mooching Off The Government. And Then He Said, 'my Job Is Not To Worry About Those People.' You Know, Where Do People Get This Stuff That Mitt Romney Is A Heartless, Calculating C**ksucker?

No Politician Is Perfect. But In Every Election In Your Life, There Will Be One Choice That Is Better Than The Others. Go Out And Vote For That One.

Now, I'm No Doctor, But I Am On Tv. And In My Professional Opinion, George Bush Is A Paranoid Schizophrenic.

Stand-up Is Great Because I Can Get Everything Off My Chest.

African American Congressman Bobby Rush Wore A Hoodie On The Floor Of Congress To Make A Point This Week. And They Threw Him Out. They Said A Hoodie Is Too Scary For Congress. Too Scary? Have You Ever Looked Into Michele Bachmann's Eyes?

African American

I Think That Religion Stops People From Thinking. I Think It Justifies Crazies. I Think Flying Planes Into A Building Was A Faith-based Initiative. I Think Religion Is A Neurological Disorder. If You Look At It Logically, It's Something That Was Drilled Into Your Head When You Were A Small Child. It Certainly Was Drilled Into Mine At That Age. And You Really Can't Be Responsible When You Are A Kid For What Adults Put Into Your Head.

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

What A Day For The Tea Party People. Did You See That? America's Parks And Fairgrounds Were Lost In A Sea Of Man-boobs. They Were Venting Their Anger And Rage Against Taxes, Which, Of Course, In Most Cases For Them Went Down. Protesting Their Taxes Went Down, But You Know, Why Let The Truth Spoil A Perfectly Good Klan Rally.

It's Not Getting Any Better For The American People. It Seems To Be Getting Worse. That's Predictable; Education Is A Cycle. Stupidity Breeds More Stupidity.

I Don't Dislike Children, I Just Don't Particularly Want To Be Around With Them A Lot. Problem Is, Neither Do Their Parents.

Faith Means Making A Virtue Out Of Not Thinking. It's Nothing To Brag About.

That's What American Democracy Has Come Down To At These Town Hall Meetings: Old People And Gun Nuts, Which Is A Terrible Combination. I Heard Somebody Yell 'ak-47!' And A Lady Yelled, 'bingo!'

Just Be Happy That Something Traveled 5,000 Miles Across The Pacific And, For Once, It Wasn't Your Job.

We're Always On A Tightrope. We're Trying To Put Together People Who Don't Make Sense To Be Together, Talking About Issues That Are Sensitive And Controversial. We're Mixing Dangerous Chemicals On A Nightly Basis.

Women Cannot Complain About Men Anymore Until They Start Getting Better Taste In Them.

Mitt Romney Was Attacking Obama About Our Failing Education System. He Has A Point. We Are Graduating Millions Of People In This Country Who Are So Lacking In Basic Analytical Skills, They Are Considering Voting For Mitt Romney.

The Problem Is That The People With The Most Ridiculous Ideas Are Always The People Who Are Most Certain Of Them.

The Difference, I Think, That Matters Is Which Of The Religions Are Dangerous. They're All Crazy, But Which Ones Have The Potential To Turn That Into Death. In That Area, I Think We Have To Worry The Most About The Muslims And The Christians

On The Show, I Do A Very Serious Thing. And A Lot Of People Have A Hard Time Reconciling That With What I'm Going To Do After The Show. They Can't Get It Into Their Heads: "how Can He Be Talking To Madeleine Albright One Minute And Then Somebody Half His Age...." They're Just Jealous. But I Never Made Any Bones About It. I Am A Player. Always Have Been.

You Know... There Is A Name For People Who Are Always Wrong About Everything All The Time.... Husband!!!

We've Been On A Long Break And I've Just Been Kicking Back, Doing Nothing. Like Our Government.

Republicans Are Obsessed With Abortion...if They Really Wanted To Protect The Weakest, Most Helpless People, Wouldn't They Protect The Democrats?

[george W. Bush] Has Balls. And He's A Leader. Unfortunately His Balls And Leadership Are In The Service Of Shitty Ideas. We Need His Balls On Someone Who Thinks Right.

Karl Rove Thinks We Shouldn’t Have Hillary Clinton In The White House Because She Fell And Hit Her Head A Couple Years Ago, Spent Three Days In The Hospital, And Maybe She Has Brain Damage. You Know, I Don’t Recall The Republicans Being This Concerned With Mental Fitness During The Years When Reagan Was Talking To House Plants In The White House.

Don't You Think That Being A Person Of Faith Has Become A Third Rail In American Politics? If You Want To Run For President Nowadays, You'd Better Get Out There And Say You're A Very Faith-based Person.

For The First Time Since 1979, We Are Talking To The Islamic Republic Of Iran. Obama Says Talking To Him Is Probably Pointless, But It's A Hell Of A Relief From Mitch Mcconnell.

One Of The Reasons I Still Do Stand-up Is Because It Was So Hard In The Beginning That I Feel Like It Would Be Such A Shame Not To Redeem It That It's All Fun.

New Rule: Gay Marriage Won't Lead To Dog Marriage. It Is Not A Slippery Slope To Rampant Inter-species Coupling. When Women Got The Right To Vote, It Didn't Lead To Hamsters Voting. No Court Has Extended The Equal Protection Clause To Salmon. And For The Record, All Marriages Are "same Sex" Marriages. You Get Married, And Every Night, It's The Same Sex.

There Is A Big Difference Between A Disappointing Friend And A Deadly Enemy. Of Course The Democrats Are Disappointing. That's What Makes Them Democrats. If They Were Any More Frustrating They'd Be Your Relatives. But In This Country They Are All That Stands Between You And Darkest Night. You Know Why Their Symbol Is The Letter 'd'? Because It's A Grade That Means Good Enough, But Just Barely. You Know Why The Republican Symbol Is 'r'? Because It's The Noise A Pirate Makes When He Robs You And Feeds You To A Shark.

I See They Found Out The Universe Is 80 Million Years Older Than We Thought. It's Also Been Lying About Its Weight.

It Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.

I Do Think The Patriotic Thing To Do Is To Critique My Country. How Else Do You Make A Country Better But By Pointing Out Its Flaws?

President Obama Invited John Mccain To The White House To Give His Opinion On Egypt, Specifically What It's Like To Be A Mummy.

We Don't Really Have To Make Fun Of Religion - It Makes Fun Of Itself.

There Is No Such Thing As A Moderate Republican Anymore.

Even Somebody Like Bill Clinton, Who I Happen To Admire Very Much, The Second He Was Out Of Office, I Remember, He Was Interview In Rolling Stone And He Said He Thought We Should Have Legalized Marijuana. And I Thought, Gosh, If Only You Were In Some Sort Of Position To Affect Change In The Last Eight Years Where You Could Have Done Something About That.

Glenn Beck Retired Or Got Fired...and A Lot Of People Are Asking Who Will Now Speak For The Raving Lunatics Who Startle You Outside Of A Parking Garage?

Dealing W/ Hamas Is Like Dealing W/ A Crazy Woman Who’s Trying To Kill U – U Can Only Hold Her Wrists So Long Before You Have To Slap Her.

The Thing I Don't Understand About Homosexuals Is, How Do They Decide Which One Is The One Who's Supposed To Pretend They Don't Want It?

Americans Are Used To Being Pandered To And Spoon-fed Everything. In A Culture That Needs Caffeine-free Cherry Chocolate Diet Coke, You'd Best Deliver Information With Entertainment.

Rick Santorum Said This Week That His 12-year-old Could Out-reason Me About God. Look, I Am Not About To Debate A Home-schooled 12-year-old. I Have Enough Trouble With Sarah Palin.

Talk To Women Who've Ever Dated An Arab Man. The Results Are Not Good.

If You're Living Hand-to-mouth, And Still Buying Into The Con That The Big Threats To America Are Socialized Medicine, Mexican Immigrants And Tax Increases, Then You're Not Being Kept Down By The Rich. You're Being Kept Down By You.

Republicans Don't Have To Accept Evolution, Economics, Climatology, Or Human Sexuality, But I Just Watched A Week Of Their National Convention, And I Need Them To Admit The Historical Existence Of George W. Bush. If Your Party Can Run The Nation For Eight Years And Then Have A National Convention And Not Invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, Or Tom Delay, You're Not A Political Movement, You're The Witness Protection Program.

The Reason I Love My Dog So Much Is Because When I Come Home, He's The Only One In The World Who Treats Me Like I'm The Beatles.

There's More Than One Mosque In The World That Used To Be A Church And Before That Was A Temple. Because It's A Lot Easier To Just Change The Sign On The Top And Say Under New Management Than It Is To Change The Whole Building.

The Worst Years Of My Life Were The First Two Years I Was Doing Standup. You're Learning How To Do, And You're Going On Stage In Front Of Two Drunks And People Aren't Laughing And You're Broke. That's A Really Hard Time In Your Life.

Hillary Clinton And Nancy Reagan Have A Lot In Common - They're Both Smarter Than Their Husbands And Both Consulted The Stars For Guidance, Nancy With Astrology And Hillary With Barbra Streisand.

I Love Trains. It's The Only Way To Travel Anymore Where It Doesn't Involve A Tsa Agent Slowly Tracing The Curve Of My Inner Thigh.

False Hope Really Makes You Cynical.

[the Republicans] Are Always Asking The Muslims To Denounce Their Extremists. And I Agree With Them. But They Don't Take That Note And Do It Among Their Own. They Don't Denounce Their Own Extremists.

Clint Eastwood's Speech Was Kind Of A Metaphor For The Entire Republican Party: A Confused Old Person Yelling At Something That Doesn't Exist.

My Wife Always Has A Splitting Archetype Whenever I Want To Have Sex.

New Rule: Stop Asking Miss Usa Contestants If They Believe In Evolution. It’s Not Their Field. It’s Like Asking Stephen Hawking If He Believes In Hair Scrunchies. Here’s What They Know About: Spray Tans, Fake Boobs And Baton Twirling. Here’s What They Don’t Know About: Everything Else. If I Cared About The Uninformed Opinions Of Some Ditsy Beauty Queen, I’d Join The Tea Party.

If You Think Democrats Are Going To Take Away Your Bible, You're An Idiot. If You Think They Are Going To Take Away Your Gun, You're An Armed Idiot. If You Think They're Going To Take Away Your Gun And Give It To A Mexican To Kill Your God, You're Bill O'reilly.

Curious People Are Intersting People, I Wonder Why That Is.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

The Tea Baggers. The One Thing They Hate Is When You Call Them Racist. The Other Thing They Hate Is Black People. But They Won't Say It.

There Is Good News. Scientists Sent A Probe Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico Today And They Found Traces Of Seawater.

Sam Harris Made That Great Analogy. He Said, 'if Someone Was Talking Into Their Hair Dryer And Claiming That They Were Speaking To God, They Would Call Bellevue. But, Take Away The Hair Dryer, It's Just Praying.'

The President Is Not Doing Well With African Americans. His Popularity Rating - His Approval Rating - With Blacks: Two Percent. Two Percent. That Is Somewhere Between Mark Fuhrman And Sickle Cell Anemia.

Approval Rating

But Isn't There Something Wrong When I'm The Only Guy In The Country That Got Fired For 9/11?

I Feel Like I'm Wearing Orthopedic Shoes, Because I Stand Corrected.

I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

Saddam Hussein Is Hitler Like Oasis Was The Beatles.

Every Asshole Who Ever Chanted 'drill Baby Drill' Should Have To Report To The Gulf Coast Today For Cleanup Duty.

The Clinton White House Today Said They Would Start To Give National Security And Intelligence Briefings To George Bush. I Don't Know How Well This Is Working Out. Today After The First One Bush Said, 'i've Got One Question: What Color Is The Red Phone?'

Why Did Mitt Romney Strap His Dog To The Roof Of His Car? Could It Be Because His Station Wagon Was Full Of Wives?

I Think The Funniest Stuff Comes From The Heaviest Stuff.

You're Either A Rationalist, Or You're Not. And The Good News Is A Recent Poll Found 20% Of Adults Under 30 Say They Are Rationalists, And Have Figured Out That Santa Claus And Jesus Are Really The Same Guy. Now, 20% Is Hardly A Majority. But It's A Bigger Minority Than Blacks, Jews, Homosexuals, Nra Members, Teachers, Or Seniors... And It's Certainly Enough To Stop Being Shy About Expressing The Opinion That We're Not The Crazy Ones!

You Know, If You're An American And You're Born At This Time In History Especially, You're Lucky. We All Are. We Won The World History Powerball Lottery...

Ted Cruz, Of Course, Was Furious That The Big Storm Back East Shut Down The Government. He Said, 'that My Job!' But You Know, There Is A Big Difference Between Ted Cruz And Snow. Both Are White And Everyone’s Sick Of Them – But Eventually Snow Goes Away.

New Rule: I Don't Give Two Fingleberries And A Mcshit-all That Dumbledore Is Gay. I Never Wanted To Know Who Dumbledore Was In The First Place. Let Alone His Sexuality. What Concerns Me Is Adults Who Read 800-page Books About Magic Schoolboys... And Then Try To Talk To Me About It. If I Had The Slightest Interest In Homosexuals With Powers, I'd Be A Republican.

The Nypd Must Stop Acting Like The Only Thing Black People Do Is Run From Them And Shoot At Them. Believe It Or Not There Are Some Black New Yorkers Who Won't Run And Can't Shoot -- They're Called The #‎ Knicks .

To Those People Who Say, 'my Father Is Alive Because Of Animal Experimentation,' I Say, 'yeah, Well, Good For You. This Dog Died So Your Father Could Live.' Sorry, But I Am Just Not Behind That Kind Of Trade-off.

Why Are We Working So Hard To Preserve Iraq, A Fake Country To Begin With? Why Do We Care Whether This Fake Country That Was Drawn On The Map 100 Years Ago Remains?

When I Was In High School The Worst Thing You Could Ever Get Was Vd. Talk About The Sniffles! I Just Want To Meet An Old-fashioned Girl With Gonorrhea.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm A Birth Survivor.

Based On Every Statement I’ve Heard Out Of Any Republican In The Last Two Years, The Israelis Are Controlling Our Government.

Of Course, There Are Questions That Plague All Of Us. How Did We Get Here? What Happens When We Die? Is There A Heaven? Am I On The List? Who Let The Dogs Out?

Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

Since The Icelandic Volcano Obviously Needs A Virgin Sacrifice And The Catholic Church Obviously Needs New Leadership The Pope Must Volunteer To Jump In The Volcano. Pontiff, Don't Think Of It As Endorsing Paganism, Think Of It As Supersizing Ash Wednesday.

...what I Love About Ann Coulter Is That She's Sort Of The-she's Sort Of A Version Of Myself In That She Absolutely Never Pulls A Punch. Even When She's Saying Something That I Think Is Outrageous, It's What She Really Believes And She Doesn't Back Off Of It. And That Is What I Find So Refreshing And, Unfortunately, So Unique. I Can't Name Five Other People Who Do That, Who Don't Calculate Before They Speak.

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