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Every Election, Roughly Half The Population Votes Democrat And The Other Half Votes Republican. Now, I Understand Why The Republicans Get One Percent Of The Vote - The Richest One Percent.that Other Percent, Someone Will Have To Explain To Me.

-Bill Maher

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Every Election, Roughly Half

Bill Maher

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Every Election, Roughly Half The Population Votes Democrat And The Other Half Votes Republican. Now, I Understand Why The Republicans Get One Percent Of The Vote - The Richest One Percent.that Other Percent, Someone Will Have To Explain To Me.

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Herman Cain Answered The Wall Street Protesters, And He Had A Message For These Protesters. He Said, 'if You Don't Have A Job, If You're Not Rich, Don't Blame Wall Street, Don't Blame The Banks, Blame Yourself.' And A Nation Of Out Of Work Teabaggers Said, 'yeah! Hey, Wait A Minute.'

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I Don't Respect Religon. I Don't Respect Superstitious Thinking And That Is What Religous Is.

There Are Two Things That You Have To Lie To Get Through. One Is Politics, And The Other Is Marriage.

We Have Been The Cowards Lobbing Cruise Missiles From 2,000 Miles Away. That's Cowardly. Staying In The Airplane When It Hits The Building, Say What You Want About It, It's Not Cowardly.

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If You Want To Get Rich With A Tax Free Enterprise That Sells Nothing, Start A Church.

I Think We Do Sympathize. And A Lot Of Us Think A Lot Of What Snowden Did Was Great, And You're Abetting Him. But, We Also Think, Well, If We Are Going To Have Someone Who Is Going To Be The One To Take Secret Materials And Disseminate It...why You? You Weren't Elected To That Post. That Seems To Be What The Question Always Comes Down To.

You Can't Get Saved If You Don't Play.

We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

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Freedom Isn't Free. It Shouldn't Be A Bragging Point That 'oh, I Don't Get Involved In Politics,' As If That Makes Someone Cleaner. No, That Makes You Derelict Of Duty In A Republic. Liars And Panderers In Government Would Have A Much Harder Time Of It If So Many People Didn't Insist On Their Right To Remain Ignorant And Blindly Agreeable.

In The Muslim World, Much Of It, They Cannot Conceive Of Something Coming Out Of The United States That Wouldn't Be Sanctioned By The Government, Because In Their Countries, Everything Is Sanctioned By The Government.

I'm Definitely Good. I'm Not Bad; I'm Extremely Honest, And I Allow No Bullshit To Pass By My Radar. And That Will Always Get Lots Of People Thinking You're A Jerk. But There Are People Who Appreciate Total Honesty And Questioning Of The Conformities In Our Society, And I'm Heroic To Those People. And I Should Be. It's An Indictment Of The Rest Of Society Who Doesn't Get That.

I Have Two Questions About Arnold Schwarzenegger. What Does He Know, And When Will He Know It?

Love Does Not Conquer All.

I Said I Didn't Respect Religion... And Anyone Who Believes In Fairy Tales To Answer Questions That We Can't Answer... So I Don't Respect Our Religions Either. But I Do Believe It Is A Clash Of Civilizations, Absolutely, Between The Islamic World And The Western World. It Has Been Going On For 1,000 Years.

I Don't Know If [barack Obama] Saw The Latest Religion Survey, But Almost A Quarter Of The Country Are Nones. I Don't Mean The Ones Who Hit Me On The Knuckles With A Ruler In Sunday School - I Mean They Put "none" For Religion.

And He Said That 47%-that's Pretty High-47% Of Americans Are Basically Welfare Bums Who Are Mooching Off The Government. And Then He Said, 'my Job Is Not To Worry About Those People.' You Know, Where Do People Get This Stuff That Mitt Romney Is A Heartless, Calculating C**ksucker?

I Would Wager That The Number Of Civilians That Were Killed [in] A Typical Week Under Saddam Hussein Was Probably More Than We Killed During The Weeks We Were At War There.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Come Out Against Gay Marriage. He Said Marriage Is A Sacred Union Between A Groupie And Any Number Of Body Builders.

...what I Love About Ann Coulter Is That She's Sort Of The-she's Sort Of A Version Of Myself In That She Absolutely Never Pulls A Punch. Even When She's Saying Something That I Think Is Outrageous, It's What She Really Believes And She Doesn't Back Off Of It. And That Is What I Find So Refreshing And, Unfortunately, So Unique. I Can't Name Five Other People Who Do That, Who Don't Calculate Before They Speak.

Maybe Every Other American Movie Shouldn't Be Based On A Comic Book. Other Countries Will Think Americans Live In An Infantile Fantasy Land Where Reality Is Whatever We Say It Is And Every Problem Can Be Solved With Violence.

Faith Means The Purposeful Suspension Of Critical Thinking. It’s Nothing To Be Admired.

The Unemployment Rate Is Now At 9.2%, Which Is Scary, Because Experts Say 9.5 Is The Point At Which People Are Desperate Enough To Consider Michele Bachmann.

A Cult Is A Cult, And That's What A Frat Is. A Place Where They Strip You Of Your Personality And Rebuild It In Their Image.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

A Group Of Cuban Americans Denounced The Castro Government As A Fascist Regime That Monitors And Scrutinized Its Citizens' Everyday Existence. And Then They Excused Themselves To Go Watch Big Brother.

When Those Myths Were Created, When The Bible Was Written, Man Didn't Know What An Atom Or A Germ Was, Or Where The Sun Went At Night, Or Why The Women Got Pregnant. [laughs.] They Needed Stories To Answer The Questions.

Mitt Romney, Who Is On Record Saying That He Would Not Waste Money Going After Bin Laden, And On Record Saying He Would Not Violate Pakistan's Border To Get Bin Laden, This Week Said, 'of Course I Would Have Gotten Bin Laden.' Even His Etch-a-sketch Went, Seriously?

Why Are We Working So Hard To Preserve Iraq, A Fake Country To Begin With? Why Do We Care Whether This Fake Country That Was Drawn On The Map 100 Years Ago Remains?

Stupidity Is Not Another Form Of Knowledge.

We Survived The 1980's. Back Then, The Economic Program Was Called 'trickle Down.' That Actually Meant They Were Pissing On You. How The Whole Theory Goes Was This: 'we Have All The Money. If We Drop Some, It's Yours. Go For It.'

I Kid The Republicans, With Love. I Feel Bad For Them. They Got Nobody For Next Time. Who Are They Gonna Run? Sarah Palin, Reading Off Her Hand. Did You See That? You Saw This? She Wrote "tax Cuts" On Her Hand. A Republican So Stupid She Has To Be Reminded Of The One Thing - Tax Cuts! This Is Like If You Saw The Coyote's Paw And It Said "road Runner".

One Of The Reasons I Still Do Stand-up Is Because It Was So Hard In The Beginning That I Feel Like It Would Be Such A Shame Not To Redeem It That It's All Fun.

My Generation Didn`t Face The Kind Of Urgent, Pressing Issues That My Parents Did, Who Fought Through A War And A Depression And Know What Suffering Is. That`s Why Bob Dole Had A Tough Time With This Electorate. He Was An Old-fashioned Curmudgeon Who Knew About Sacrifice, And We Didn`t Know If We Could Live Up To His Standards. But We Knew We Could Live Up To Bill Clinton`s. He`s More Like One Of Us.

Guns Aren't Just A Tool Of Last Resort. They're Awesome. That's Why People Stroke Them. And Name Them, And Take Pictures With Them. You Guys Aren't Just Firearm Enthusiasts — You're Ammosexuals. And Before You Try And Deny You Have Some Sort Of Unnatural Romantic Relationship With Your Gun, Consider This. You're Taking It Out To Dinner! Because It Completes You. Get A Room.

Well, The American Public Always Wanted To Vote For A Guy And Bush Was The Perfect Guy Who They'd Want To Have Over For Pot-roast. And George Bush Is That Guy. He Does That Well. You'd Like To Have Him Over For Pot-roast. He Reminds You Of Yourself. Okay. Well, Now He's Been Over, He's Had The Pot-roast. But He's Getting Drunk And Now He's Talking About Stem Cells And Terri Schiavo And Gay Marriage. And Now He's The Guest That Won't Leave.

A Flu Shot Is The Worst Thing You Can Do.

And To Answer The Question That People Have About This Conspiracy Theory That He Has A Pack In His Back, My Answer Is, If Someone Was Feeding Him Answers, Couldn't They Be Able To Feed Him Better Ones Than He Came Up With?

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