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In No Way Was I Intending To Say, Nor Have I Ever Thought, That The Men And Women Who Defend Our Nation In Uniform Are Anything But Courageous And Valiant, And I Offer My Apologies To Anyone Who Took It Wrong.

-Bill Maher

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In No Way Was

Bill Maher

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In No Way Was I Intending To Say, Nor Have I Ever Thought, That The Men And Women Who Defend Our Nation In Uniform Are Anything But Courageous And Valiant, And I Offer My Apologies To Anyone Who Took It Wrong.

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A Lot Of People Have Warned President Clinton That Bosnia Will Turn Into Another Vietnam, Which Would Be Embarrassing For Him Because He'll Have To Go Back To College.

Let Us Not Become So Tolerant That We Tolerate Intolerance.

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To A Coward, Courage Always Looks Like Stupidity.

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If You Want To Get Rich With A Tax Free Enterprise That Sells Nothing, Start A Church.

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The Reason I Love My Dog So Much Is Because When I Come Home, He's The Only One In The World Who Treats Me Like I'm The Beatles.

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The Whole Dating Ritual Was Different When I Was A Kid. Girls Got Pinned, Not Nailed.

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I Am So Tired Of Rearranging My Life Around What The Stupidest People Might Do.

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We're All Gonna Be Gay If We Get Health Care!

I Hate Religion. I Think It's A Neurological Disorder.

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I Don't Know Anyone Less Jesus Like Than Christians.

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Republicans Stand By Their Convictions. Stupid, Ignorant, World-destroying Convictions Based On Disproven Economic Fantasies And Ancient Books Full Of Primitive Morality And Magic People. But Convictions, Nonetheless.

This Is My Question For Conservatives: Don't You Want To Live, Too?

Saddam Hussein Is Hitler Like Oasis Was The Beatles.

You Are What You Do. It's About Actions.

The Plain Fact Is Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live. The Hour Is Getting Very Late To Be Able To Indulge In Having Key Deciscions Made By Religious People. By Irrationalists. By Those Who Would Steer The Ship Of State, Not By A Compass, But By The Equivalent Of Reading The Entrails Of A Chicken.

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Karl Rove Thinks We Shouldn’t Have Hillary Clinton In The White House Because She Fell And Hit Her Head A Couple Years Ago, Spent Three Days In The Hospital, And Maybe She Has Brain Damage. You Know, I Don’t Recall The Republicans Being This Concerned With Mental Fitness During The Years When Reagan Was Talking To House Plants In The White House.

John Mccain, Who Once Called Jerry Falwell And Pat Robertson 'forces Of Evil', Has Now Come Out For Teaching Intelligent Design. That Is Sad, When Smart People Have To Pretend To Be So Dumb To Get Elected.

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I Just Don't See Why Anybody Would Vote Republican In The Army. If You Want To Support The Troops, If I Was A Troop, I Would Say, 'you Know How To Support Me? Don't Send Me To Stupid Wars.'

We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

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Democrats Are Lame. The Media Is Lame. And Donald Trump Hasn't Even Played His War Card Yet. You Know, He Could Start A War And Get A Lot Of Support There.

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Being A Conservative Also Used To Involve The Concept Of People Being Free To Do Whatever They Want To Do, As Long As It Doesn't Hurt Somebody Else. Conservatives Used To Be Very Libertarian.

This Is America. We Don't Call An Election Before We Know Who Won. That, After All, Is The Job Of The Supreme Court.

I Believe Only Foreigners Should Run For President...face It, The Presidency Is A Lousy Job. And Who Does Lousy Jobs We Don't Want Anymore Better Than Foreigners?

'the Lorax,'...it's A Mythical, Woodland Creature, Right, Who's For Saving Trees. He Speaks For The Trees Because No One Else Can. Kind Of The Way Conservatives Speak For Fetuses.

The Only Silver Lining I Can Find Is That British Accents Aren't Sexy Anymore.

Of Course, There Are Questions That Plague All Of Us. How Did We Get Here? What Happens When We Die? Is There A Heaven? Am I On The List? Who Let The Dogs Out?

People Have To Stop Saying That Just Because Someone Is An Anti-gay Activist They Might Be Gay. They're Definitely Gay!!

More Astronauts Have Been To The Moon Than Farmers Who Paid The Inheritance Tax In 2013.

Sarah Palin's Whole Family Got Into A Drunken Public Fistfight. Something Police Are Calling A 'tragic Case Of Trash-on-trash Violence.'

The Difference Between A Gop Convention And Comic-con Is That The People At Comic-con Have A Much Firmer Grasp Of Reality.

We Do It All The Time, We Legislate Taste. We Do It With The Tax Code. Churches And Children Get A Tax Break, Because It's Assumed That We All Agree That We Want To Encourage Churches And Children. I Don't. I Don't. That's My Opinion. I Don't Want To Encourage Either Churches Or Children, And It's A Very Bad Idea To Put Them Together.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

I Think The Right-wingers Have To Buddy Up To The Fact That Either The Minimum Wage Has To Go Up, And People Get Enough Money To Live, Or You're Always Going To Have People Needing Government Assistance. You Can't Have It Both Ways.

I Have Two Dogs. If I Had Retarded Children, I'd Be A Hero. And Yet, The Dogs Are Pretty Much The Same Thing.

If A President Must Constantly Remind The People That We're At War, Then We're Not.

Jim Bakker Spells His Name With Two K's Because Three Would Be Too Obvious.

My Policy Is I Am Always More Than Happy To Say, "i'm Sorry If I Hurt Your Feelings." What I Am Not Willing To Do Is Take Back What I Said. Unless I Am Wrong.

That's America For You - A Red Herring Culture, Always Scared Of The Wrong Things. The Fact Is, There Are A Lot Of Creepy Middle-aged Men Out There Lusting For Your Kids. They Work For Mtv, The Pharmaceutical Industry, Mcdonald's, Marlboro And K Street.

It Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.

Conservatives Claim [hillary] Clinton Campaign Involved In Satanic 'spirit Cooking'.

Heroin May Be Bad, But It Sure As Hell Hasn't Hurt My Cd Collection.

A New Cologne Is Coming Out. It's For Cowboys, And It's Made From Cow's Manure. That Way The Women Will Be On You Like Flies!

I Think The Funniest Stuff Comes From The Heaviest Stuff.

I Used To Stay At The Trump [hotels] And I Just Wouldn't Now. The People Were Great, But I Wouldn't Stay At A 'birther' Hotel.

Disneyland's A Mess. And It's Not Just The Measles. Donald Duck Has Bird Flu. Pocahontas Has Small Pox. The Little Mermaid Has Crabs. And The Monorail? Mono.

There Is A Big Difference Between A Disappointing Friend And A Deadly Enemy. Of Course The Democrats Are Disappointing. That's What Makes Them Democrats. If They Were Any More Frustrating They'd Be Your Relatives. But In This Country They Are All That Stands Between You And Darkest Night. You Know Why Their Symbol Is The Letter 'd'? Because It's A Grade That Means Good Enough, But Just Barely. You Know Why The Republican Symbol Is 'r'? Because It's The Noise A Pirate Makes When He Robs You And Feeds You To A Shark.

Donald Trump Got The Power Of The Government Behind Him Now. He Didn't Have That Before When He Was Just A Clown. The Republican Party Is Still With Him. Including Those State Legislatures. Gerrymandering. He Has Basically Pravda In Fox News, In Breitbart, In Drudge.

Americans Are Finally Coming To A Point Where They're Accepting Of Religious Criticism, Is Because George Bush Is The First President Who Really Put Religion So Front-and-center. He's The Most Christ-y President We've Ever Had - And He Is, Not Uncoincidentally, The Biggest Disaster We've Ever Had. I Think Even People Who Are Religious Don't Like It Shoved Down Their Throat. I Think People Kind Of Get It On A Certain Level, That This Is An Antiscience Administration, And We're Living In A Time Where We Can't Afford To Be Antiscience - For Environmental Reasons, For Educational Reasons.

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The Republicans Proved They Are Not The Party Of 'no.' They're The Party Of 'f**k, No!'

Russia Has Banned All Adoptions To Americans. So, If You Were Hoping To Get A Little White Kid With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, You're Going To Have To Wait Until Lindsay Lohan Reproduces.

We Had A National Tragedy This Week, And The President Of The United States And Sarah Palin Both Made Speeches On The Same Day. Obama Came Out Against Lunatics With Guns, She Gave The Rebuttal.

If It Makes You Feel Any Better We Will Be Happy To Attack A Country That Had Nothing To Do With It.

It's Nine Months Before The Election And Bush's Poll Numbers Have Fallen To The Exact Level That His Father's Poll Numbers Were Nine Months Before He Lost To Bill Clinton. Today Front Runner John Kerry Said He's Not Superstitious, But Just To Be On The Safe Side, He's Going To Start F---ing Everything That Moves.

I Don't Dislike Children, I Just Don't Particularly Want To Be Around With Them A Lot. Problem Is, Neither Do Their Parents.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm A Birth Survivor.

Religion Is Defined As Belief In And Worship Of A Controlling Power And Atheism Is Precisely Not That.

The Cable Tv Sex Channels Don't Expand Our Horizons, Don't Make Us Better People, And Don't Come In Clearly Enough.

The Drug War Is An Addiction, Really.

I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

Sarah Palin Said Perhaps The Most Irresponsible Thing I've Ever Heard Any Politician Say. She Said, 'the Only Thing That Stops A Bad Guy With A Nuke Is A Good Guy With A Nuke.' You Think She Realizes That Nuking Russia Might Not Be Good For Someone Who Can See Russia From Her House?

If Anybody Is So Mad At Vladimir Putin, You Know What They Could Do? They Could Advocate For A Gas Tax. He Gets All His Leverage From Selling Gas And Oil. If We Had A Gas Tax That Made That Less Palatable, He Would Be Less Of A Player On The World Stage.

[george W. Bush] Has Balls. And He's A Leader. Unfortunately His Balls And Leadership Are In The Service Of Shitty Ideas. We Need His Balls On Someone Who Thinks Right.

Some People Think I Enjoy Debate. I Don't. I Wish Everyone Agreed With Me; It Would Save A Lot Of Time.

My Father Said, Bring Along Your Best Girl. This Is Something You Say To A Pimp!

When You Want To Make It Clear To The Rest Of The World That You Are Not An Imperialist, The Best Countries To Have With You Are Britain And Spain.

I'm Not A Joiner. I Don't Like Organizations.

Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options.

Donald Rumsfeld Also Lost His Gig Last Week. When Asked What His Future Plans Are, Rumsfeld Said, 'what's A Plan?'

The First Amendment Was Specifically Designed For Citizens To Insult Politicians. Libel Laws Were Written To Protect Law Students Speaking Out On Political Issues From Getting Called Whores By Oxycontin Addicts.

Sarah Palin Finally Heard What Happened In Japan And She's Demanding That We Invade 'tsunami.'

Republicans Are Taking The Defeat Over Health Care As Well As Tiger Woods Took To Marriage.

New Rule: The People Of America Who Were Most In Favor Of The Iraq War Must Now Go There And Fight It.

I Kid The Republicans, With Love. I Feel Bad For Them. They Got Nobody For Next Time. Who Are They Gonna Run? Sarah Palin, Reading Off Her Hand. Did You See That? You Saw This? She Wrote "tax Cuts" On Her Hand. A Republican So Stupid She Has To Be Reminded Of The One Thing - Tax Cuts! This Is Like If You Saw The Coyote's Paw And It Said "road Runner".

When The Tabloids Photograph Me When I'm Out, I Always Say: "you Know What, Folks? I'm Not Married And I'm Not Gay. You Caught Me With A Hot Chick. You Got Me. Take Me To Hot-chick Jail. Did It Again. Guilty."

Catholicism Has Changed Tremendously In Recent Years. Now When Communion Is Served There Is Also A Salad Bar.

Jesus Is Not A Candle. A Company In South Dakota Is Selling Candles With The Scent Of Jesus. You Light One And Your Friends Says, Christ, What's That Smell?

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